The Color of Love: A Story of a Mixed-Race Jewish Girl

by Marra B. Gad

In this award-winning memoir, a mixed-race Jewish woman recounts her journey from adoption and prejudice to helping the family that once shunned her.Marra B. Gad’s biological parents were a black man and a white Jewish woman. In 1970, at three days old, she was adopted by a white Jewish family in Chicago. For them, it was love at first sight—but the world was not ready for a family like theirs. In black spaces, Marra was considered “not black enough” and encountered antisemitism. In Jewish spaces, she was mistaken for the help, asked to leave, or worse. She even faced racism within her own family.Marra’s family cut ties with relatives who refused to accept her—including her once beloved and glamorous Great-Aunt Nette. But after fifteen years of estrangement, Marra discovered that Nette had Alzheimer’s, and that she was the only one able to reunite Nette with her family. Instead of revenge, Marra chose love, and watched as the disease erased her aunt’s racism, making space for a relationship that was never possible before.The Color of Love explores the idea of yerusha, which means “inheritance” in Yiddish. At turns heart-wrenching and heartwarming, this is a story about what you inherit from your family—identity, disease, melanin, hate, and most powerful of all, love.Winner of the 2020 Midwest Book Award in Autobiography/Memoir

Genres: Memoir, Jewish, Nonfiction, Judaism, Book Club, Audiobook, Biography Memoir

235 pages, Kindle Edition

First published November 12, 2019

Reviews

[Tim Null · Rating 4 out of 5]

My dad's mother died giving birth to him. His father died a few months later. Granddad Null died about a week after he'd been kicked in the head by a mule. Dad was raised by an aunt and uncle: his mother's sister, Susan, and her husband, Emmitt.

Even though my dad insisted his aunt and uncle were hard task managers, every story he told about them indicated they were hardworking but loving people. For example, they had a daughter about nine months after they accepted Dad into their household, so he would have a playmate. The two times Dad did something really bad, they didn't punish him. They just acted hurt and disappointed.  (Dad claimed the guilt was unbearable.) They told him stories about his mother and father. He was told, "If you're half the man your father was, you'll be okay." (Dad said it made him feel isolated.)

Uncle Emmitt took Dad with him every Friday when he drove the mule-drawn wagon into town. (Dad had an Uncle Emmitt quote for every occasion.) Additionally, Aunt Susan and Uncle Emmitt made sure Dad got a college education at a Baptist College where he could get a scholarship. (I had the good fortune of meeting one of Dad's stepbrothers, the younger of the two. He was gracious and soft-spoken. He played classical music on a baby grand piano. He was a high school principal. If you didn't know better, you wouldn't believe he grew up on a farm in Kansas.)

When Dad's stepsister married a Hispanic, Aunt Susan told Dad he needed to accept his stepsister's husband into the family and apologize for all the mean-spirited things he'd told his stepsister. Eventually, Dad made a grand gesture of accepting his stepsister's children into the family, but in the absence of an apology, his stepsister wasn't able to forgive him. (Fortunately, the children of the two step-siblings reestablished good relations.)

I was a witness to my dad's quest to discover his birth mother and father. From the beginning (when he first went to the Kalamazoo Public Library to research Uzal Cory and William Earl Dodge, AKA Uncle Bill) and the end (when he made his last genealogical chart).

I've also witnessed the great impact Alzheimer’s has had on my family. I stayed with my grandparents when my family made their first trip to Kansas and Oklahoma. My grandparents taught me how to walk. When my family came back to get me, I ran to my Grammy for protection because I'd already forgotten about my parents and siblings. So I clearly loved my Grammy, but unfortunately, I only have one memory of her before the onset of her dementia. It's a memory of her and Mom washing the dishes. I remember this because I had just walked into the kitchen to admit I had done something stupid. (Somethings never change.)

Alzheimer’s has had a big impact on my family. First, it took away my Grammy, then my mother. Later, it took my eldest sister. Now it's taking my brother. My mother was the kindest, most loving person I've ever known. My mother was also very religious in a quiet, nonoffensive way. She once told my sisters that my atheism was part of God's plan. I was honored to learn that God took the time to think of me. Personally, I have no use for religion, but, out of respect for my mother, I attempt to be tolerant towards those who do. (John Lennon sang, "Whatever gets you through the night. It's all right. It's all right.")

I suppose all this personal history is why I was attracted to Marra B. Gad's memoir titled The Color of Love: A Story of a Mixed-Race Jewish Girl.

Gad's quest was completely different than my father's, yet somehow the same.  My father tried to live up to the expectations of his biological parents. Marra Gad tried to live up to the expectations of her adoptive parents.

"[Gad] was born in April 1970 to a young, unmarried, white Jewish girl from Manhattan." She was mixed race and Jewish. She "was the color of milk chocolate and had a head full of dark, curly hair." Like most parents and grandparents, Gad's adoptive parents and grandmother fell in love with her the instant they saw her.

Unfortunately, not everyone was as accepting of her as her immediate family. The first half of the book tells of Gad's early experiences with people who were and weren't accepting of her particular mix of race and religion. Most of this happened during the 1970s and 80s, so I found it curious that Gad never mentioned Sammy Davis, Jr.

The second half of the book deals mainly with Gad's relationship with an aunt who has Alzheimer’s. (People tell me my hemorrhagic stroke turned me into a nicer person, but I try my best to prove them wrong.)

The Color of Love is a short book and easy to read. People with experience with either mixed relationships or Alzheimer’s might find it to be a pleasant and/or useful read. There is some grownup behavior, but I'd have no difficulty letting my 13 year old granddaughter read it.

Gad grew up in Chicago like Michelle Obama; near, but not in, the Southside. What a difference a few blocks can make!

Your homework assignment: Both Michelle Robinson Obama and Marra B. Gad went to a Chicago school for gifted students. Was it the same school? (I honestly don't know the answer, and I'm too lazy to look it up.)

[Jacqueline · Rating 5 out of 5]

You'd better read this book because my input, from my own perspective as a 99.9% Western Ashkenazic Jew (according to Ancestry.com) will never suffice. See those stars up at the top, though? I'm sticking to them. Fact: If you are a white parent of non-white Jewish kids [homegrown OR by adoption], you will never know it all. Take a seat, because class is in session now and for the rest of your life.

Racism endures in large part because it takes on many disguises and comes from unexpected sources. Discrimination doesn't always wear the mask we think it will. If you think you've heard something ugly, then you have. If you've had to ask yourself, "Is it just me?" the answer is no, it's the perpetrator of the horrible act or comment. Which doesn't help much upon impact.

Ms. Gad teaches us how she forgives the unforgiveable. Even if you can never do likewise, you will understand how she could. One huge reason that resonates throughout her book is that Marra B. Gad's life was launched in love, which prepared her to deal with very thoughtless words and rough treatment by strangers, well-meaning friends, and extended family. Such positive beginnings have sustained and fueled Marra B. Gad throughout her life. She shows us how to deal with the rough corners even when she finds herself utterly gob-smacked.

There's a bottomless dollop of love between each page, and we all need more of that in life. The very tone of Ms. Gad's voice chimes fierce, warm, filigree love. Love means many splendid things to Marra B. Gad. High on her list is good chocolate cake. Cake celebrates the good times; brings loved ones together. Cake soothes the rough spots; loves you to your soul when seemingly nothing else will. Ms. Gad cherishes cake for everything it represents to her, and she has come full circle so that cake loves her just as fully. Yes, this has everything to do with the story. Now you must find out why.

[Chelka Posladek · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars.
I want to give this more stars, but I hesitate. As others have said, it's "important." It's touching. It's informative. It's easy to read and easy to connect to the author. BUT. There are really two stories here, and I had a hard time feeling like I was reading just one book. The stories are certainly connected, largely by cast of characters. The author did a great job of trying to wrap everything together under the umbrella of love (living a life of love, choosing love, making love the foundation for all choices, etc.), but it felt a little too forced to me. The first half was largely about her own experience growing up mixed race in a racist world. The second half was about assisting her great-aunt through Alzheimer's. As another reviewer said, the first half was easier to get into. It had more energy and was more riveting. I have a Grandmother with Alzheimer's, and I had no problem relating to the second half. It simply lacked the vibrancy.

Overall, it was a good read and worth my time. I feel like my eyes were opened and I have no problem recommending it. Just didn't end quite as strongly as it began.

[Liza Wiemer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard the author speak for Hadassah and pushed the book to the top of my reading list. Marra's memoir is an important one, showing the reality and pain of racism within the Jewish community as well as within her own family. It angered me and saddened me. But I'm also grateful because Marra puts it all out there. Maara's an extraordinary person and her warmth, kindness, compassion, thoughtfulness shines through on every page. She is truly a beautiful person, exemplifying ahavas yisroel and what it means to embrace "the color of love."

Meeting Marra some day is on my bucket list. :)

This is a must-read and I will be recommending it over and over again!

[SundayAtDusk · Rating 3 out of 5]

This memoir takes a good look at prejudice and discrimination in the Jewish faith. Those who believe that a race or religious group, that has faced tremendous prejudice and persecution, is far less likely to be prejudiced against others are in for a rude awakening. Actually, the more one strongly identifies with a race or religion, the more likely one is to discriminate against others outside of the group.

Marra Gad was adopted as a baby by a Jewish couple. The adoption was arranged by a rabbi, since her biological mother was Jewish. When she was born, however, and it was obvious her father was probably black, her adoptive parents were given the choice of backing out of the adoption. They did not and Marra grew up with loving parents and siblings. That love did not spread out to the extended family, though, and there was much estrangement due to a “schvartze” being brought into the family.

Gee, if only her skin and hair had been like a white child’s, she would have fit so well into the family; with her high IQ and her girly-girl interest in hair, clothes and jewelry. But no, with dark skin and hair that resisted straightening, family members would make derogatory comments about her right to her face, even at her father’s funeral and her sister’s wedding.

Ms. Gad also covered her dating life in the story, where she claimed no white Jewish men wanted to marry a black Jewish woman, and no black men wanted to marry a black Jewish woman. Not wanting to challenge the author’s experiences there, but it was hard not to wonder if possibly she really didn’t want to get married and have kids, possibly due to her own experience as a biracial child.

The latter part of the book is about how the author tries to take control of the lives of a great-aunt and her husband, after the state of California took custody of them, due to senility. The great-aunt had always been hateful to Ms. Gad, and she proceeds to explain in the memoir all that she did for these relatives, and why she did all that she did; when she could have easily ignored the situation with no guilt. Personally, I found that part of the story uninteresting, which sounds rotten, I know, but it’s true.

By the end of the memoir all I could think is why stay in any organized religion where one is so not wanted? Of course, not all Jews are prejudiced against blacks, and some Jews have welcomed blacks into their families by adoption, as the author's parents did, or by marriage. It's estimated that only 2% of American Jews are black, however, so one wonders if their future in the Jewish faith is ever going to be easier or happier.

(Note: I received a free ARC of this book from Amazon Vine.)

[Reads & Reviews · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Color of Love, by Marra B. Gad, is an important look into racism that exists across cultures. Gad, a biracial woman adopted into a white, Jewish family, faced racism her entire life from family members to strangers. Sensitive and wanting only to be loved for who she was on the inside, Gad’s book is hard to read at times, but also filled with the love from her immediate family and hope that one day society will only see who we are rather than what we are.

While difficult to read at times due to the nature of the book, The Color of Love was also very easy to read. Gad’s writing is engaging and draws readers in. It was easy to connect with her as she’s funny, dramatic, and family-oriented. Self-deprecating at times, Gad shares experiences that range from the moment her parents bring her home until present day. She talks of how she never felt like she belonged, whether it was with her Jewish family or within the black community. As she was judged by how she looked, her appearance became a focus for her, which led to her desire to be accepted by her great-aunt Nette.

Marra had the love of her parents, siblings, and her beloved grandmother, Bubbie, but it was Aunt Nette that drew her attention. It’s this relationship that Gad uses to show the emotional pain she experienced throughout her life and how she eventually learns to love who she is. That the cruel and racist Nette was Marra’s ideal of beauty is ironic in that Nette was as ugly on the inside as she was pretty on the outside. My heart broke for the young woman who only wanted to be accepted by her worldly aunt. Gad’s accounts of her interactions with Nette will break your heart-and make you want to lash out violently. It was hard to read these parts of the book, but important to Marra’s story.

Eventually Nette’s decline into Alzheimer’s allows Marra to come to terms with who she-and Nette-are. With grace and kindness, Marra walks with Nette through her final journey and along the way she finds clarity that helps her move forward with her life and find the happiness that she’s yearned for.

I think The Color of Love is a book everyone should read. As mentioned, it’s an easy read, but also one that will lead readers to question their own behavior towards people who are different than them.

I received a copy of this book from Amazon Vine in exchange for honest feedback.

[Kelsi Hasden · Rating 2 out of 5]

I couldn't finish the book. As a mixed race Jew, who has had similar experiences, I couldn't handle how strongly the Tragic Mulatto ran through her story. I don't need every story to have a happy ending, but I do need it to try to not follow negative and damaging stereotypes. I will try finishing it at a later date.

[Sarah M · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars

As the title states, Marra Gad tells the story of her life as a mixed-race adopted daughter of a white Jewish family. A large chunk of the book focuses on her strained relationship with her racist great-aunt, who falls under Marra's care when she is old and becoming senile.

I had hopes for this book, but was disappointed to discover that it consists largely of platitudes about love and forgiveness, with a lot of "telling" instead of "showing" and not much complexity.

[Tali · Rating 5 out of 5]

Imagine having a close family member who is horribly racist toward you and treats you like you don’t belong your entire life. Then imagine that family member becoming incapacitated by Alzheimer’s and you are the only one who can care for them. That’s exactly what happened to Marra Gad. I could never imagine what it’s like to have the lived experiences she did, but I’m so glad she wrote this memoir. Gad is mixed-race and Jewish. She was adopted at birth by an Ashkenazi Jewish family and grew up in a Jewish community. As she grows up, she experiences racism and othering in many places and situations, even from members of her own family. Her parents cut off anyone who treats her any differently than her siblings. Even her great-aunt who had a bond with her mother and sister. But Gad steps up for her family when her great-aunt needs help. She leads with love and kindness and makes peace for herself. She is truly an incredibly strong and resilient person. This was such a heavy book that was written with such compassion and empathy. It also
Illuminated the broken system of elder care and conservatorship. I think Gad lives the Jewish values of tzedakah, the obligation to actively help those in need, mitzvah, forgiving others who have wronged you, and the golden rule to love unconditionally. This is a must read.

[Chava · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found Marra's story interesting, and I'm sure it was cathartic for her to write about her experiences. It is sad that we let people who hurt us and don't care about us take up so much of our thoughts, time and effort.

I related to many aspects of the book: I know someone who is mixed race and had some of the same challenges; I dealt with my mother's Alzheimer's, which in later years was marked by a huge change in personality; and I now people who went to the same camp at Marra.

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a compelling memoir written in a thoughtful and sophisticated manner. The story was gripping and makes one truly believe that truth is stranger than fiction. Full disclosure, I know the author and many of the people in the book and yet I still was moved by the story and impressed with the humanity of it all.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Touching story of a mixed-race Jewish girl. When Marra wrote about herself, I loved what she had to say. I didn't much care for the other part of the story, Marra's care for her elderly great aunt who always belittled her. All in all, the writing is lovely and Marra's voice is genuine and beautiful.

[Michaela Lubbers · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the first book I've read entirely aloud, I think, save children's books. I read the first section to my mom who wanted me to keep reading. That turned into me reading her the entire thing. It's a good book to read aloud and I bet that the audiobook (assuming there is one) would be an especially good listen. Marra's narrative voice is strong and enticing, though she uses "Word. Word. Word." a lot - too much, in my opinion.

As a mixed-race Jewish girl, Marra has lots of problems. She does have some internal issues, namely identity issues and being too smart (mostly a childhood issue - she seems to have no issues channeling her intelligence in her adulthood). Those are derivative of her external issues, though - being too Black to be Jewish, being mixed race, being too Jewish to be Black, being too smart to be Black, this intersection of her race and religion - are her real problems and she wouldn't have aforementioned internal confusion if society simply accepted her as she is. Unfortunately, it seems that no scion of society did - thought maybe that's changing? - and thus, her internal problems arose. Marra has a unique perspective coupled with a particularly interesting life, though much of what makes it interesting is unfortunately heartbreaking.

In her writing, Marra gives us the depths of her emotions, the space to process them alongside her, deft humor, and a good mix of what's really happening in her world and rumination of those happenings.

[Lilli (LitbyLilli) · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredibly powerful narrative about racism, ageism, love, family, forgiveness, Judaism, and life.

Growing up adopted, multiracial, Black, and Jewish wasn’t easy for Marra B. Gad. She holds nothing back in her memoir. The book focuses on her experiences with her racist great aunt Nette. Through that lens, she is able to convey her experiences with racism throughout her life both in and out of the Jewish community. Her prose is engaging and straightforward. Gad takes a conversational approach to a complicated issue and in doing so, makes it all the more thought provoking.

I can’t recommend this memoir enough. It might be short, but it certainly packs a punch.

[Rachel Linfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

This incredibly powerful memoir illustrates the deeply held prejudices that plague our own communities. Marra reveals the pain and discrimination she experienced as a mixed race woman growing up in a Jewish community. I was inspired by her ability to forgive and reflect upon her experiences to move forward. This work pushed me to continue thinking about how our Jewish spaces must better empower the voices of all of people. This book was a quick read and gave space to a conversation that I wish happened more in Jewish communities.

[Sunny · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

This book is a very easy read that still covers deep topics. It offers a glimpse into two worlds of discrimination and the overlap between them. I appreciated the themes of love and forgiveness that this book brings.

A big part of my reservations with the book lie in the genre. I have a hard time with memoirs. I’m not really sure where to file them in my brain or how to react to them. I can’t criticize the story, because it is someone’s life and I also don’t want to say that they should have shared more or less- because I don’t know their motivations for writing this and I don’t think they owe anything to me as a reader.

[Elaine Wingfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a quick read. I enjoyed the outlook of how people often worry of what society thinks of us, but in reality some of the worse battles we fight to gain love are within our own families. The color of love is a great story of how she faced so much hatred yet she eventually learned to truly love herself. I can relate to so much of her struggle to be loved by family.

[Dennis Fischman · Rating 4 out of 5]

At first I thought this was going to be a book about the travails of being too Black for the white Jews and too Jewish for the Christian Blacks, and it is (because when that's your intersectional identity, it influences every aspect of your life!) But at heart, it's a memoir about taking on the responsibility for an aging relative with Alzheimer's, and how the disease changes you both. I raced right through it. Yes, these people are jet-setters, and how they live and what they can afford has no relation to my life, but some of the human aspects are just the same.

[Beth Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

An amazing story, incredibly relatable and heart-wrenching at the same time.

[Solange · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good. Made me think very hard about the plans we all must make and ensure for our future in case we are unable to make our own choices.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had the privilege of hearing Marra speak at my work on more that one occasion and as such her story resonated even more deeply.

[Ally Jo · Rating 3 out of 5]

A quick read with a lot of interesting stories and feeling, but it felt like I was reading the same sentences over and over rather than actually tackling anything with depth.

[Brittany Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very inspiring painful and yet beautiful story.

I listed to the audiobook narrated by the author and it was beautiful to hear her voice - her words.

[Rona · Rating 4 out of 5]

I almost dumped this book because the first 40% were vignettes of Jewish people being awful to her and some Black people,too. Then the family story came to a turning point. She took the hard road. It made all the difference.

[Sam Spina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great memoir about things that matter. A deeper understanding is definitely explored with both race and religion.

[Lisa Feld · Rating 4 out of 5]

As Gad herself says of her choice to care for her racist great-aunt, this was not a decision she made out of saintliness, and it certainly wasn’t because her aunt had earned forgiveness. But NOT doing something would have meant living with and being defined by anger and resentment, not a viable option for Gad’s sanity.

Gad’s portrayal of her complex relationship with her sophisticated, adventurous, and painfully racist Great Aunt Nette serves as a window into the ongoing struggle Gad faces to be welcomed into the communities of which she is a part: too black to be accepted by her white Jewish relatives or the larger Jewish community, too Jewish and light-skinned to be fully seen as black. Walking away from those communities is impossible, but constantly battling rejection from those communities can be soul destroying. Gad is honest about the hurt she suffers for choosing to engage lovingly, but it’s the best option she has.

Gad’s writing is engaging, moving, and I think it should be required reading for all Jews. Too many of us try to secure our own place in the community by looking around for who we can kick out, whose credentials we can question, and Gad’s memoir depicts just how painful that rejection can be, and how you can tick all the boxes (Born to a Jewish mother, speak Hebrew, engage in synagogue life) and still not be safe. I hope this memoir sparks some long overdue conversations about identity, empathy, and inclusion.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Color of Love was a fascinating look into the life of a mixed-race Jewish girl. Adopted by a white Jewish family at birth, Marra and her nuclear family faced racism from many angles, including members of their own family. I was both heartbroken for Marra, for the hurt she's had to endure - and continues to endure -due to the color of her skin, but also extremely impressed by her ability to act with grace and love towards those who have harmed her. She teaches us important lessons throughout. Highly recommend!

[Amy Ariel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I just do not like memoir.

However, I promised I would buy new and read this book when I read on Facebook that Marra had received an overtly racist reception at the URJ Biennial. It took me too long to get to it, but now I have.

1. I think the Jewish community needs to read this book. Marra was born to a Jewish woman and adopted by a Jewish couple. So many pieces of her personal history are invisible in the Jewish community: a Jewish woman unmarried and pregnant, a white Jewish woman pregnant with the child of a presumably Black man based on the story, adoption of a child born to a Jewish mother, racism in Jewish families and in the community - so much.
2. I think the aspect of the story about her great aunt felt like a related but separate story. I understand how they fit together, but the racism Marra experiences isn’t specific to her family. Clerks in stores, health care providers... it shows up everywhere. And yet the second have of the book is entirely about her relationship with her great aunt and her choice to love - to live in love. Living in love is great and all, but it isn’t going to change society. It doesn’t even transform her relationship with her aunt or with her dad’s family. It is about who SHE is. We learn nothing about her experiences as camp (I wonder why she doesn’t name OSRUI, the only Reform Jewish camp I know of in Oconomowoc, WI) or at her synagogue.

I want everyone to read her book and hear her story.
I will be giving her book to people as gifts.
I am glad I read it.

I think I also fundamentally feel and believe differently about forgiveness and about love.
And no matter what, I just can’t enjoy this genre.
Sometimes it’s important to read it anyway.

[Vanessa Ehrlich · Rating 4 out of 5]

We are getting ready to read this book for book club in the summer of 2o20. I think that after a summer of racial injustice we will have much to discuss. It was particularly interesting since it was set in the Chicagoland area.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Marra B. Gad is an incredible person: that was my reaction to reading her moving memoir “The Color of Love: A Story of a Mixed Race Girl” (Bolden Books). Gad is a mixed race, adopted daughter of white Jewish parents. Unlike many of these adoptions, Gad’s mother was Jewish. In fact, once Gad was born, the rabbi who saw her was so upset to learn that she was mixed race that he offered to find her parents another baby to adopt. Fortunately for Gad, her parents fell in love with her at first sight. That didn’t mean that life was easy for them.
See the rest of my review at http://www.thereportergroup.org/Artic...