You Don't Look Adopted

by Anne Heffron

Can writing your story save your life? I should have come with a manual. My parents thought they were getting one thing when they adopted me—a baby of their own—when what they got was a human being with a story of her own. As a child, I traded safety for silence. As an adult, I had no idea who I was, why I quit nearly everything I started, why I struggled with things that came more easily to my friends (jobs, relationships, finances, self-esteem), why I seemed hell-bent on throwing myself away. It got to the point where I didn’t care if telling my story was going to kill I was going to find a way to tell it, because living a life that felt like a lie was unbearable.In order to write this book, I moved away from everything I knew, maxed out my credit cards, borrowed from friends and family, had lots of sex with strangers. Nearly penniless, I was living like a millionaire in the apartment of a fabulously famous writer. I was finally listening to my own voice. I ate cheesecake for dinner and fell in love with the East Village. I broke almost every rule I ran into because I was afraid this kind of freedom couldn’t go on forever. As I wrote, I lived every day as if it were my last. I was in for such a surprise.

Genres: Adoption, Memoir

261 pages, Paperback

Published July 2, 2016

About the author

Anne Heffron was born in Manhattan in 1964 to a young college student who gave her up for adoption. Fifty-one years later Anne returned to Manhattan to find the roots of her story, the story that began with her birth instead of the story that began "The day we got you." This journey is the subject of "You Don't Look Adopted", an account of the perils and blessings of adoption.

Before turning to memoir, Anne co-wrote the film "Phantom Halo" with her writing partner, Antonia Bogdanovich. "Phantom Halo" was first shown at the 2015 Austin Film Festival and won Best Picture at the 2015 New York International Film Festival. She and Antonia currently have a screenplay, "The Rabbit Will Die" in development.

Reviews

[Matt Hutson · Rating 4 out of 5]

When people tell their stories in an elegant and creative way like this one it makes for a very fascinating and informative read.

You Don't Look Adopted by Anne Heffron is a memoir about what life is like for an adopted person. Anne argues the fact that adoption for a lot of adoptees is actually a type of trauma. The author felt as though she was always going to be abandoned, in her relationships and even with her own child. Although other adoptees may experience their adoption in a different way, Anne makes a clear point about why she feels the way she feels.

I really got a chance to know Anne from reading her book and I'm glad I did. I got a chance to understand adoption. I got a chance to understand the writing process for this book as she explains a lot about it. The unique aspect about this book is that it is written in a fragmented style because she thought it best represented her brain. At first I didn't like it, but then I understood it about 1/4 the way in.

It's not just a story about her adoption but an inspiring story to tell your own story. Break it up into manageable pieces. It is so much more rewarding when you see the complete picture after writing all the components. Sometimes you just have to jump over that hurdle, and do what you need to do to get your word out there.

Whether you are an adoptee, or you adopted someone, or even if you're not adopted at all, reading Anne's story is enlightening.

[Heather Shelby · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m adopted and recently found my birth family. Since then I’ve been reading a lot of books on the topic. This one was honest and true. Funny and emotional. I really enjoyed it and got me to think how being adopted has affected my life. I’m so glad you got your story out Anne! It’s an important one.

[C · Rating 5 out of 5]

Of the books I’ve read related to adoption, I think Heffron has done the best job I’ve seen in articulating what it’s like to be an adoptee. Essential reading for any member of the adoption constellation.

[Amelia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book opened my protected heart wide open and repeatedly threw sugar into the small, but significant, wounds. Wounds which I have patched up with scotch tape over the years. Anne Heffron's anecdotes and stories truly helped me realize that I am not alone in my journey of awaking from the fog, and that someone out there understands how I feel, and is able to put into words how I feel. I was amazed at how much resonates with me, and I want everyone to read this book and experience what I experienced in the 2 days it took me to read it. She shares her personal journey, no matter how rough and hard it just have been for her- her honestly and openness inspires me to finally be okay with who I am, and how I feel.

[Jen · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were a few blips in this book that resonated with me as an adoptee, but by and large this felt more like a book about a woman with unresolved severe avoidant or anxious attachment disorder. The author believes this is rooted in her adopted status, and I don’t doubt that plays a role, but I also picked up on some dysfunctional dynamics in her adopted family, especially her mother, and that certainly contributed to her attachment issues. I hope writing the book was helpful and healing for Anne. However, this isn’t a book I found personally helpful regarding adoption. It was just too focused on her unhealthy emotional state and behavior patterns.

[Victoria · Rating 3 out of 5]

I did not like this book at first. I am glad by the end Ms. Heffron expressed herself and accepted herself for the first time in her life. I just wish she could have done it sooner than her 50s. I pray I will be able to help my future adopted child be his/herself and feel his/her emotions as I stay and love him/her. This book is essentially journal entries that are very scattered and fragmented. It could have done with a (better) editor. I think this format does have some value but I personally would have preferred the entries to flow together better.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

As an adoptee, this is the first book I've read that resonates. The way the author described the feelings she experienced was so real...I could have written them. Also, learning about primal wound makes things from the past make sense.

[Diana Dewey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Seriously the best read helping me understand my gal! Thank you for telling your truth.