The School of Life Guide to Modern Manners: How to navigate the dilemmas of social life

by The School of Life, Alain de Botton (Editor)

An essential guide to modern etiquette.

Life is full of awkward social situations; we forget someone's name while making introductions, we're stuck on the elevator with our boss, we run into our ex on a first date. While these dilemmas might feel trivial, they tap into some of the deepest themes of our social how to pursue our own agenda while honoring the happiness and needs of others? How to go beyond the surface level when relating to another person?

Featuring twenty case studies from our modern world, this book puts good manners back at the center of our lives. Far from being old fashioned or stuffy, The School of Life argues, etiquette provides a framework through which to create a kinder and more considerate world.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Personal Development, Relationships

112 pages, Hardcover

First published September 19, 2019

About the author

The School of Life is a global organisation helping people lead more fulfilled lives.

We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.

Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.

That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.

Reviews

[Graeme · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is not at all about which fork to use and how to scratch an itchy bottom at a party (not with a fork).

In fact, it has brief case studies that really do help answer the promise of the subtitle: How to Navigate the Dilemmas of Social Life. Like all of the School of Life books, videos, and articles I have ever seen (and I am a fanatical devotee) they reflect the always devastatingly honest but kind, gentle brilliance of the school's founder, Saint Alain de Botton. He's not really a saint, but he is to me, in a strictly atheistic way.

The back cover of this small, insultingly giftable work bears a few accurate descriptive paragraphs:

Modern life is full of minor but acute dilemmas: wishing to end a boring conversation without causing offence; forgetting a name when introducing friends; running into an ex on a first date with a new partner . . .

Though they might seem insignificant, such dilemmas illustrate some of the greatest themes in social existence: how to pursue our own happiness while honoring the sensitivities of others; how to convey goodwill with sincerity; and how to be kind without being supine or sentimental.

This book puts good manners back at the centre of our lives. Through twenty case studies, Modern Manners provides a new philosophy of graceful conduct. Far from trivial diversions, manners are the practical expression of a dignified mission to create a kinder and more considerate world.

Here's a lovely excerpt to give you a flavor:

The clumsy person's folly isn't a special curse, it's a universal feature of the human condition. The wine-spiller is not particularly cretinous because everyone else is—in some way or another—a total fool as well. Those who are present might look poised just now but they must logically all have done many exceedingly ridiculous things in the past. At various unknown times they've been utterly daft: they've made embarrassing noises; their voices came out at an odd high pitch; they've stood on the tail of their hosts' dogs; they've discovered too late that there's no toilet paper in the bathroom; they've forgotten their own name . . . Understanding the ubiquity of all this, the wise respond benevolently to the human comedy. They are implicit followers of Michel de Montaigne and his vital reminder: 'To learn that we have said or done a stupid thing is nothing, we must learn a more ample and important lesson: that we are but blockheads . . . On the highest throne in the world, we still sit on our arses.'

The photographs in the book are apparently from the 1960s (and thus free of copyright?), generally irrelevant to the subject under discussion, and strangely depressing. The book design is mediocre, pretentious, and works against comprehension. The advice on manners is worthy, so look past the design and crappy photographs.

[Justina P · Rating 1 out of 5]

Could be used as a decoration maybe

[Melissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

~Disclaimer: I received a free kindle copy of this book.~

I always find books on manners compelling. This book in particular because it claims to be MODERN manners. Most of the books on manners I have read have clear sexism running through them (whether it jabs about another's woman's weight, sexual behavior, or whether she “properly” embraces femininity). I requested a review copy of this book in the hope it didn’t fall into the same traps.

The chapters cover topics that I’m sure many of us have struggled with: writing thank you notes, gift giving, rejecting/canceling plans, and small talk.

I had some shifts in opinions as I read this book as it offers some different perspectives on social interactions that seem tedious (e.g. “Small talk exists for a noble reason: it is designed to prevent hurt. It provides us with a rich source of information so that we can safely ascertain the frame of mind of our interlocutor – and therefore gauge what more in-depth topics of conversation might safely be broached.”).

I have a few criques of the text:
-It focuses more on the psychology of our reactions rather than how to handle a situation with grace
-It often uses difficult vocabulary words that might make it less accessible to some individuals
-The images that are included rarely seem to relate to anything
-It doesn’t provide citation for the psychology and philosophy (I like to read and interpret sources myself)

All in all I found this to be decent read, but one I’m unlikely to read again.

[Amanda Williamson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an entirely lovely read! Here are the little snippets I enjoyed the most:

"Even outside of parenthood, we are all endowed with surprisingly rich capacities to love someone and at the same time to find them extremely wearing. It does not, as the bore mistakenly ends up thinking, need to be a choice between love and interest on the one hand and tedium and loathing on the other."

"Friendships cannot develop until one side takes a risk by showing they are ready to like even when there’s as yet no evidence that they are liked back. We have to realise that whether or not the other person likes us is going to depend on what we do, not — mystically — on what we by nature ‘are’, and that we have the agency to do rather a lot of things. Even though we may initially get very few signs of their interest (they might be looking little d and behaving in an off-hand way), we should assume that this is only a legacy of a restraint that springs from fear that they are not able to please — and that so long as we keep showing them warmth and encouragement to appeasetheir self-suspicion, the barriers will eventually come down."

"The underlying idea is that in order to demonstrate our position as an empathetic receiver of confidences, we have to show our broken and flawed sides: we’ve failed, so another can tell us of their failure; we’ve been hurt, so they can admit to being hurt; we’ve done, and admitted we’ve done, very stupid things so we’re not going to turn against those who have also been at points very silly. To be a good companion, it isn’t enough simply to be polite or to commiserate. We need to take a risk. We need to give our friends something they could use against us — so that they can feel safe in giving us something we might use against them. Under the umbrella of mutually assured destruction, real trust and friendship can flourish."

"We should do the same with adults. We should imagine the source of problems that drive a person in a service situation to behave disrespectfully towards a customer. It almost certainly isn’t anything to do specifically with us; probably it was a genuine error, or the manager is upset about something that happened in their relationship or is worried about money or is in physical pain ... and we are the nearest target. We need to reimagine the lives of others and guess at the turmoil, disappointment, worry and sadness in people who may outwardly appear merely aggressive or rude. We need to be patient with those who frustrate us most by accepting that, despite our lingering feelings of low self-worth, it is very seldom really anything to do with us."

"The sympathetic person remembers their own troubled and sometimes very unimpressive history and always brings it to bear on the mishaps and sorrows of others. Today they might be able to manage comfortably, but at various times, they too have been in chaos, and are sure to be so again before long. The sympathetic person knows that all kinds of weaknesses are compatible with being loveable. It is normal and wholly unsurprising to feel shy, to be ignorant of certain social conventions, to be preoccupied, to have made grave errors - and to have a large bit of spinach in one's teeth."

[Zihan · Rating 3 out of 5]

.

[Julia · Rating 2 out of 5]

In all honesty, I found the material in the book very self-evident. The revelations were not really "revelations." Though the writer had a good flow/rhythm, it wasn't interesting to me because of how obvious everything was.

[Michael Choi · Rating 5 out of 5]

The key for people to understand you, is to show your vulnerabilities, to show you are human, then they will trust you

[Evin Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

An absolutely delightful book and a quick Sunday read. This is a reminder that the awkwardness that lies beneath the surface is the key to charm and intimacy:

"Few things are socially more seductive than a glimpse of weakness borne with strength." (p.40)

"The wise respond benevolently to the human comedy." (p.77)

This gem of a quote, is a hint as to where I found this book - in the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston:

"Some of the reason why great artists are rare is that our minds are not well set up to understand why we feel as we do. We register our emotions in broad strokes and derive an overall sense of our moods long before we grasp the basis upon which they rest. We are bad at traveling upstream from our impressions to their source; it feels frustrating to have to ask too directly what was really pleasing about a present or why exactly a person seemed charming to have dinner with." (p.18)

[Skyhard · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not as much as a guide. More like some slightly funny stories from/about frightened or insecure persons.

[Madison A. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this! Some good insights.

“Even outside of parenthood, we are all endowed with surprisingly rich capacities to love someone and at the same time to find them extremely wearing”.

“To skirt the danger of being a full-blown bore, we should foster the courage to imagine that we might sometimes, without anything too awful being meant by this, be just such a thing”.

“It is tragic that we should spend so much of our social lives trying to impress others when it is really the judicious revelation of weakness that builds intimacy and turns strangers into friends”.

“We need to be patient with those who frustrate us most by accepting that, despite our lingering feelings of low self-worth, it is very seldom really anything to do with us”.

“The person who accepts that they are a bit of a fool need never fear that the world will one day discover they are such a thing - and humiliate them for it”.

“Our friendships are shallower and more brittle than they might be because they are afflicted by a subtext: hampered by a layer of unresolved and unmentionable embarrassments, resentments, envious feelings, unreciprocated desires, hurts, and misunderstandings”.

“The possibility of friendship between people therefore frequently hangs in the balance because both sides are, privately, waiting for a sign from the other one as to whether or not they are liked - before they dare to show (or even register) any enthusiasm of their own”.

“We should stop worrying quite so much whether or not people like us, and do that far more interesting and socially useful move: concentrate on showing that we like them”.

“To truly please people required that we dare to show a little more of the touching weirdness that lurks within us all”.

“We rely on the needs of others to remind us of what we’re capable of”.

[Jannik Faierson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated this small yet profound book although I believe that the title is misleading.
In this volume, the School of Life presents 20 situations that possibly arise in social circumstances of every-day life. At first, they attempt to provide useful tips but offer something much more valuable on the way: A philosophy of decency and kindness.
They show us that we are imperfect beings with legitimate needs and that many resentments towards others do not hold, being irrational. These written words want to convince us to be content and confident with ourselves, suspend judgments, and reflect upon our own actions more reasonably. Some chapters offer specific advice, about a sincere apology or how to open up to a friend for instance, while others elaborate on general features of psychology and morals in social life.

Thereby, the book does so much more than presenting manners. The latter are stiff, inflexible, and without emotion and compassion. In the 21st century, it's robots and machines that require manners - a programmed code of conduct. People, on the other hand, need the reassurance that their intentions and emotions are valid, morally relevant, and multilayered. Covid-19 will be gone one day and people will strive to rebuild a fulfilling social life. Navigating physical encounters and building meaningful relationships is at the heart of our species. But that does not mean we are inherently good at it. Instead, it is a messy learning process (called life) and we need resources that contradict our pessimistic inner voices by offering clear, coherent, and profound insights about our actions influence our role in this world.

[Katharina Klose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Auch wenn sich der Titel und die Zusammenfassung eigentlich nicht danach anhört, ist das Buch eigentlich eine ziemlich leichte Kost. Es wird nichts großartig aufgetischt und weit in den theoretischen Bereich ausgeholt, sondern alltägliche Situationen erklärt. Mit passenden Bildern und Seiten, die die Aussage eines Kapitels als eine Art "inspirational quote" darstellen, geben dem Ganzen seine Leichtigkeit.

Jedoch bin ich der Ansicht - und deswegen auch nur vier anstatt fünf Sterne -. dass man sich viele Dinge selbst erklären und herleiten kann, wenn die Ehrlichkeit einem wichtig ist. Für mich spielt Ehrlichkeit in meinem Leben eine große Rolle und so kann ich in diesem Buch beschriebene Situationen zum Teil nicht nachvollziehen, da ich schon rein intuitiv so handle, wie das Buch es am Ende des Kapitels dann empfiehlt.

Generell kann man aber sagen, dass das Buch eine schöne Lektüre für zwischendurch ist, wenn man mehr über sich, wie man bei anderen ankommt und den Faktor der Ehrlichkeit darin lernen möchte.

[Candy C · Rating 3 out of 5]

The more nuanced and artistic writing in this book was a welcoming improvement from the lacklustre writing in the book I had finished prior to this. Unfortunately, while I agree with many of the perspectives and tips provided, I somehow feel like the points raised in the articles got increasingly weird or unhelpful in the last quarter or so of this guidebook. Towards the latter parts of this guide, I additionally got a much stronger feeling that the various articles were written by different individuals, perhaps because of the conflicting stances and inconsistent tones therein.

Regarding the peripheries of this work, the highlighted quotations from the essays were well-chosen and presented clearly and tastefully as the final page of their respective essays. However, the first page of each essay irked me slightly with its featuring of an uncaptioned black-and-white aesthetic and quirky photo that does not always readily demonstrate a connection to what would be discussed in the pages that follow.

[Bilyana Ruzhenova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Заглавието може да е подвеждащо. В книгата не става въпрос за това дали свалянето на слушалките, докато говорим с някой, е признак за добри обноски в днешно време. По-скоро е наръчник, чиито насоки ни помагат да постигнем душевен мир и да накараме другите да се чувстват добре в нашата компания. Идеите, разбира се, не са нови, но са поднесени адекватно и дават поводи за размисъл.

We can’t ultimately feel our valuable sides until we are called upon to exercise them: we don’t have a sense of our strength until someone needs us to lift something; we can’t feel intelligent until someone asks us to solve an issue; we can’t feel wise until we’ve been brought in to adjudicate a dispute. We rely on the needs of others to remind us what we’re capable of. [..] And yet we are staying guarded out of an ideal of self-sufficiency that isn’t either true to our needs or constructive for the well-being and esteem of others.

[Natasha · Rating 4 out of 5]

As usual, The School of Life will tie difficulties and issues we face as an adult to a point in our childhood where we took the world too literally and chose catastrophic explanation for whatever was happening. Yet, this book was pretty enjoyable and provided some applicable tips on how to navigate through various social situations, even on how to thank someone properly by knowing what to pay attention to. For a socially awkward person like me, those tips help a lot as they are not complicated and rather simple.

[Akhil Jain · Rating 3 out of 5]

My fav quotes (not a review):

We should learn to make our excuses and head off into the crowd. To do so as graciously as possible, we should reframe our intentions so that they apply to our conversational partner rather than to ourselves. We might apologetically exclaim: ‘I really wouldn’t want to monopolise you for any more of the evening!’ Or, more playfully, we might say: ‘Your future husband or wife isn’t going to forgive me for delaying you meeting them any further!’

[Crystal · Rating 3 out of 5]

Misleading title

A more correct title would be A More Appropriate Way if Handling Social Situations. This is not really focused on having good manners as it was about changing your mindset about social interactions. There were a few nice tips ands outlooks on things in life that are useful, but most of it was common decency/common sense.
#GoodreadsGiveaway

[Donald Schopflocher · Rating 4 out of 5]

Soothing short essays, largely about awkward social moments, that emphasize the differences between our inner self-assessments and general social morėes. The advice clearly favours trusting that our inner feelings of alarm, confusion, self-hate are shared by the other and that empathy towards self and others will generally provide a mannerly way forward.

[Ben Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Important reading

I think the school of life's a very important organisation today and have loved their YouTube channel for a long time. Very pleased to find that their books are just as wonderful.

[Annarella · Rating 4 out of 5]

All the School of Life's books are thought provoking and interesting.
This is no exception and I found it interesting and full of food for thought.
Highly recommended.
Many thanks to the publisher and Edelweiss for this ARC, all opinions are mine

[Julian Dones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lovely book. Takes on the minuscule detail of life and how to manage them in a proper, wisely manner. Enjoy the read and would recommend to anyone.

[M · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not bad, not amazing. The theories are good but for the life of me I can't understand the pictures at the end of each chapter.

[brightredglow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Surprisingly enjoyed it. Pragmatic, useful advice with a bit humor and photos from my favorite eras.

[Christina · Rating 2 out of 5]

Incongruous assortment of Studio 58 retrospective photos with vague and/or common advice.

[Diana · Rating 1 out of 5]

100% waffle 0% actionable steps

[citrus-tea-melon · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a good short read. I like De Botton’s writing so it was a good read. Some of the descriptions felt a bit exaggerated but it adds to the charm.

3.5/5

[Alice Gargano · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was really nice, but maybe a bit too posh. I did learn how important it is to be real and genuine, especially when things get a bit embarrassing.

[Steven · Rating 3 out of 5]

Got a bit boring near the end, but in general I like the School of Life series, teaches you a lot about daily life, values such as humility, curiosity, empathy.

[Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

More philosophy than etiquette, beautifully and brilliantly written.