Believe Me: How Trusting Women Can Change the World

by Jessica Valenti (Editor), Jaclyn Friedman (Editor)

What would happen if we believed women? A groundbreaking anthology offers a potent rallying cry and theory of changeHarvey Weinstein. Brett Kavanaugh. Jeffrey Epstein. Donald Trump. The most infamous abusers in modern American history are being outed as women speak up to publicly expose behavior that was previously only whispered about -- and it's both making an impact, and sparking a backlash. From the leading, agenda-setting feminist editors of Yes Means Yes, Believe Me brings readers into the evolving landscape of the movement against sexual violence, and outlines how trusting women is the critical foundation for future progress.In Believe Me, contributors ask and answer the crucial What would happen if we didn't just believe women, but acted as though they matter? If we take women's experiences of online harassment seriously, it will transform the internet. If we listen to and center survivors, we could revolutionize our systems of justice. If we believe Black women when they talk about pain, we will save countless lives.With contributions from many of the most important voices in feminism today, Believe Me is an essential roadmap for the #MeToo era and beyond.

Genres: Feminism, Nonfiction, Essays, Politics, Sociology, Adult, Womens

320 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 28, 2020

About the author

Award-winning writer and activist Jessica Valenti is the author of seven books, including the New York Times bestseller Sex Object: A Memoir. Her groundbreaking anthology, Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape, paved the way for legislation of the same name, setting what’s now considered the gold standard for sexual consent.

Jessica has also been credited with sparking feminism’s online wave by founding the trailblazing blog Feministing. She’s been a columnist for The Guardian and The Nation, and her writing has been published everywhere from The New York Times and The Atlantic to Bitch magazine and The Toast.

After the demise of Roe, Jessica founded Abortion, Every Day, an urgent synthesis of anything and everything happening with abortion rights in the United States.

She lives in Brooklyn with her husband and daughter.

Reviews

[Caitlyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took me four months to finally finish this book. Not because I thought it wasn't good, but because these essays were so powerful and personal that sometimes it became too much to keep going without a break. Sexual assault, rape, workplace harassment, sexism, and racism are heavy topics, but each of these writers leads a fearless charge to protect women from violence and show how the world needs to start believing their stories if we ever want to see true systemic change in our justice system, workplace, schools, and homes. This is also very timely reading for the #MeToo Movement and the Black Lives Matter Movement.

[Stacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book does a really wonderful job of capturing a wide expanse of issues that all connect to this same question: What would happen if we trust women? It’s good to read this one in small bites, as each short essay packs a powerful punch.

[Bryn Lerud · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this for Feminist Book Club. It's a book of essays concerning the importance of believing women's stories about abuse. I have an idea. Why don't men just stop raping women?

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This collection of essays was so varied; I thought it did an excellent job of representing many women's voices. I was especially affected by the essay about a woman veteran with a service dog, and how she is continuously not believed and not respected for her right to a service dog.

[Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought the majority of these essays were very good.

[Jenni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Believe Me is an intense read. All of its essays, written by a wide variety of authors, illustrate issues that touch everyone when we don't trust women, from advancements in health care to the pipeline from domestic abuse/sexual harassment to school shootings. Much of it is sad in hindsight: we can look back at reports and political movements by women, and go, "oh, I guess they were right back then..." It's an investigation into what it means to be believed, and who gets to be believed, in the United States particularly. As much as there is a backlash against "cancel culture," one of the authors reminds us that it took over 80 women until anyone took accusations against Harvey Weinstein seriously enough, whereas his word against the women was enough for a long time.

What I found remarkable was how such a short book has all these essays civilly debate among each other: as an example, one author addresses the issue of how white men are often voted in to leadership roles in anti-harassment and anti-rape organization, and the well-intentioned approaches often focus not on preventing harassment or rape by incentivizing good bystander ("see something, say something") behavior and building a safe environment, instead focusing on how the victim can more easily report issues after the fact. This essay is followed by a man writing about his experiences doing anti-sexual-harassment work, and how it absolutely sucks that often, the only way to make people believe women is to have a white man say the same thing.

Likewise, the book contains criticism of white feminism, which often forgets to take into account dangerous sexism combined with racism that Black women face, such as that resulting in devastating numbers of Black women not being treated appropriately by doctors - studies show, that medical professionals believe (note: believe, not "have evidence of") that Black women can handle pain better than White women, and that they also exaggerate their symptoms more. This is a deadly combination. Samantha Irby's essay on finally getting diagnosed with Crohn's disease is both heartbreaking and in her usual style, humorous: Irby, with no history of drug abuse, was asked by her doctor whether she was just exaggerating her symptoms to get pain killers, only to sheepishly attend to her once the MRI showed that she truly had a problem.

A very illuminating, engaging read.

[Max · Rating 4 out of 5]

As an AFAB (assigned female at birth) person, I expected to not be surprised by most of the information in this book. #MeToo happened in high school and early college for me, so I've been steeped in dialog about rape culture and creating safe spaces for women since I started looking outside my small-town bubble for political conversations. But I found that I learned much more than I bargained for about black women, disabled women, women in the porn industry, women at the beginning of rape crisis centers, women in the age of "hysteria" (a diagnostic predecessor to PTSD as one essay taught me), and immigrant women who all struggle to be believed when they raise their voices.

This collection is also not just about sexual assault -- it's about women's rights to be heard when voicing pain, asking for help, asking for their point of view to be taken seriously, asking for the world to be crafted with women in mind, and asking to be seen as equal to men in spaces where that's a perfectly reasonable request.

I would definitely recommend this as required reading for all feminists to broaden our views of womanhood. I would also recommend this to men who are seeking to be better allies to women and advocate for their right to be believed; there are several essays written by men that provide a valuable, relatable perspective for you, too.

[Momily · Rating 4 out of 5]

At first I felt that the essays were all very similar and covered the same topics; however, the farther I got into the book the more I enjoyed it. I loved the different styles-- letters, comics, interviews-- and the different topics covered. I felt like I learned something about different cultures, races, occupations, and genders, yet connect on the topic of believing women. Believing women does not only relate to sexual assault, but also the health care field, immigration, and workplace. Reading of the different experiences was saddening, but knowing that these authors, as well as others, are hoping to change how the world sees women* is hopeful.

*including female-identifying and nonbinary folks

[Maria · Rating 4 out of 5]

“For survivors and our communities, the personal is more than political: it lights the path toward a more just, peaceful future that holds a diverse, expansive potential to restructure political power.”
Sabrina Hersi Issa

Essays on believing women. Some of them were really really good.

[Karena · Rating 4 out of 5]

great collection of essays. Well rounded.

[Neha · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hard to get through at times, but very illuminating. I appreciated the many different perspectives this volume offered.

[trijnewijn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gek eigenlijk hoe makkelijk het tegenwoordig is om te weten of een boek voor de pandemie werd geschreven of niet. Ik vermoed dat de meeste essays intussen aangevuld kunnen worden met nog talloze extra voorbeelden, helaas. Of het nu gaat om Brett Kavanaugh of Bart De Pauw, het is duidelijk dat de maatschappij het nog steeds heel moeilijk vindt om vrouwen te geloven.

Ongeloof is de gemakkelijkste uitweg. Want geloven en toch niks doen, dat is nog veel moeilijker goed te praten.

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

A simple premise expertly argued throughout this powerful collected work. A few essays miss the mark in realizing the importance of disentangling interlocking oppressive systems (one essay is very pro-capitalist), while another essay gets to the point of the importance of believing women even when they lie about other things in such a clumsily haphazard way that it threatens to undermine it's thesis. Yet, the rest of the essays, especially Friedman's conclusion, are superb.

[Rachel Seyfert · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an amazing, important read detailing powerful essays by activists and survivors. I found myself taking notes every page or so.

[mjraves]

such an important book!! review coming soon

[Judi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Essays about different perspectives of how women of perceived and treated. It was interesting and some of the essays were challenging. It definitely left me with plenty to think about.

[Rachel-RN · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good variety of personal stories and viewpoints dealing with sexual assault, harassment, racism, etc. Pretty heavy topics, but ones that effect many people. At the end of the day, believe women. The world would be so much better.

[Mel · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting collection of essays on gender based violence and women’s place in society. Very pleased to see essays on trans rights, sometimes missing from supposedly feminist books. A good overview of essays and introduction to lots of different authors you may not have heard of before, enabling you to spiral even further down your TBR pile.

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very important topic that I usually enjoy reading about. I had to renew this and force myself through it, though. I don't want to give it lower than 3 stars because of the subject matter and the fact that there is nothing wrong with the writing. It felt more like an assignment for school as opposed to the page turner that I was more in the mood for. Still, an important work in the genre.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Preaching to the choir with this one but would also love for people who are misinformed about the term "believe women" to read

[Allison Sylviadotter · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would have given this book 5 stars if it hadn't pandered to males. Several of the essays are written by trans-identified males, which to me makes no sense in a book about the systematic oppression of women (females) in society. The trans-identified males repeatedly equate themselves with the exact same oppression as women of colour, which is not only sexist but racist. Women of colour are not male, they are female and experience oppression at the intersection of race and sex, which a male does not. A male cannot understand that, and cannot (and definitely should not) speak on their behalf.

While a huge fan of the co-editor Valenti and her feminist writings, her counterpart Friedman (upon investigation) has fought against women's safe spaces, women-only groups, women-only changing rooms and restrooms, and has a disturbing obsession with trans-identified males and their sex lives. She calls them a "women with a penis" as if that's normal. She thinks trans women are literal women, again no. Trans women are trans, it's a modifier that cannot be overlooked. Women deserve spaces without male anatomy in them, without people with male socialisation, without people with male behaviour, and without male entitlement.

This unnecessary addition of male voices in a book about women's struggles is misguided at best, damaging at worst. That said, the women that contributed to this book did a STUNNING job. I would recommend this book (regardless of the problem of males speaking in a space that should be for women only.)

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars, rounded up. As with all essay collections, there were some that I enjoyed more than others in this collection, but all of essays circled back to the main theme of the anthology quite well, painting a depresseing picture of current reality and a not even utopian, but simply BETTER, vision of an alternative reality wherein women are believed as the default instead of men. Some essays had me weeping, some furious, a couple of them were a little dull-- I had to read this book over the course of a couple of months. While a couple from the beginning about Dr. Ford's testimony during the Kavanaugh hearings stayed with me the best, the essay about Samantha Irby and her experiences of dealing with doctors and nurses who are inclined to disbelieve patients about their own bodies hit me the hardest- it was the most raw to me, even though there were essays much more graphic and violent in nature. Just not being believed even about our own bodies by the people we need to trust to help us heal them- that was powerful. I reread a couple of the pieces, but mostly because heavier non-fiction subject material, especially about topics that feel so personal, are exhausting to me at this point in 2021. Beyond that, though, the book is an excellent collection, and everyone who has enjoyed other work by Valenti will likely enjoy this collection she edited.

[Eden · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a beautiful book of essays. Many resonated with me on a deep level, pulling me into their world. Many gave me a new perspective, adding nuance to my understanding of the issues discussed rather than a rehash of information I'm already familiar with. Some didn't quite manage to pull me in, but that's okay - they are bound to resonate with someone else, and I listened to what they had to offer.

Some of the essays that stood out to me in particular include:
Gossip Is an English Word by Sarah Deer and Bonnie Clairmont, about the power of truth telling in the face of sexual violence, particularly in Native American communities)
The Room Where It Happened by Dahlia Lithwick (about Christine Blasey Ford's testimony, about the role that bystanders play)
He's Unmarked, She's Marked by Julia Serrano (about our unconcious bias, based in linguist theory, around the things that seem normal/right are seen as unmarked, while those that are atypical/unexpected capture our attention)
Do Not Pet by Anuradha Bhagwati (about not being believed about invisible disabilities, stemming from sexual violence)
Reproductive Justice by Cherise Scott (about how reproductive justice can fit within a spiritual context)

[lily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a well-put together book of essays on believing women and how it can change the world for the better. It's not a surprise that believing women is a key to improving society and we've (almost) always are on the right side of things. In my unbiased opinion as a woman, anyway.

But this book of essays was great. The authors did a wonderful job of getting essays from diverse backgrounds and viewpoints. I felt like a lot of perspectives were included, some of which I hadn't considered.

I will say I had hoped it wouldn't fully be centered around the Brett Kavanaugh "trial" but I understand how this event was a major catalyst for the movement. I initially thought it'd be about believing women in general, throughout history, versus how it's important after this specific event occurred. But in order to capture readers I think it was an important stylistic choice, which doesn't take away from the effectiveness or impact of the book.

tl;dr: read this book...everyone read it. It's worth a read. Also inspires some anger and frustration and the never ending question of when will the justice system & society catch up and start believing women?

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. Some essays were better than others, but a lot of excellent points were made. Though the focus, because of recent events like #MeToo , was largely on believing women about sexual assault and harrassment, some also brought up the issue of believing women about pain and medical issues (many medical professionals assume women are exaggerating or being hysterical, so often health issues are allowed to advance to much worse states because they don't get treated in time), as well as reproductive rights (abortion bans and forced sterilizations both taking away women's right to decide for themselves, since they are not believed capable or responsible enough to decide for themselves), workers' rights, women in wartime, and the intersection of other prejudices (race and sexuality being big ones) on which women are listened to or respected more or less. Contributors came from several backgrounds (white, black, Indigenous/Native, Latina, trans, etc) each bringing their own experiences and points of view, and lest anyone rail about 'just a bunch of bitter b*tches', there are also some essays by male contributors, all with good food for thought.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredibly powerful, essential contribution to the intersectional feminist conversation in 2020, and a necessary update to the forward-thinking theory put forth in Yes Means Yes. The essays included here are diverse, wide-thinking, timely, and thought-provoking, and each one could be its own book. I read Valenti's and Friedman's first work in a feminist theory class in college, so it's interesting to reflect over 10 years later, and look forward to where this book will show up and how it might change the culture and conversation, given the impact of the first anthology.

The audiobook was done by a full cast, and well done, with a minor mistake in a later essay, where one sentence's multiple takes (more than 5) pronouncing a non-English word was accidentally included in full. I thought my app was glitching for a bit, until I realized it was an editing mistake and the paragraph finally continued. Readers should also note that one of the essays is visual, so access to the supplemental PDF is required to fully read this book.

[Ava Orofino · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a feminist, but more importantly, I am a realist. But, this one little book combined the ideas of feminism and put a realist tone to it. And, although it mainly discussed a lot of difficult and emotional topics, it made me see the world from a different point of view, and also made me realize how lucky I am to have the advantages I have today to help me get through times like this if I ever had to go through them. Heartbreaking and truth-defying words and stories by female-identifiers who experienced or knew of someone who had experienced something horrific like some of the things discussed. EVERYONE needs to educate themselves on this topic, along with many others. And this is the perfect way to do it.

[Amanda Hobson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just the book we need right now

I have so many words to describe the profound impact of this book: brilliant, insightful, thought-provoking, and inspiring. As Friedman and Valenti did over a decade ago with Yes Means Yes, they have done again by pulling together another exceptional set of essays about ending sexual and gender violence and the path forward. In a moment when it’s easy to lose hope about the state of affairs, this book creates both greater understanding of the issues facing us and how we can unravel our culture of violence. I can see this book being widely adapted for college courses.

[Christina Ciampa · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Believe Me, contributors ask and answer the crucial question: What would happen if we didn't just believe women, but acted as though they matter? If we take women's experiences of online harassment seriously, it will transform the internet. If we listen to and center survivors, we could revolutionize our systems of justice. If we believe Black women when they talk about pain, we will save countless lives.

This book is incredibly powerful, an essential contribution to the intersectional feminist conversation in 2020, and necessary update to the forward-thinking theory put forth in Yes Means Yes.

[Gina · Rating 4 out of 5]

As with any collection, some pieces are better than others, but some of this is really great and the overall theme is important. I especially appreciated Julia Serano's model of marked/unmarked, which I had not previously seen, and find useful.

I also appreciate how many people and organizations there are working for equality. It is important to remember that there is existing engagement; it is not just you against the world.

I also appreciate the effort to try and create a vision of how things can be better. It is not easy, but it is needed. Jaclyn Friedman's concluding essay is a good reminder.