Ryšys su vaiku: kaip kurti pasitikėjimu grįstus santykius

by Karyn Purvis, Justė Povilaitienė (Translator)

Šioje knygoje pateikiama ne tik naujausių mokslinių tyrimų duomenimis grįstų žinių, padėsiančių geriau suprasti savo atžalas, bet ir gausybė praktinių patarimų, kaip auginti vaikus, kurti ir palaikyti tvirtą ryšį su jais, kaip suprasti, kas slypi už vaiko elgesio. Ji kupina vilties, kad meile ir globa paremtas ryšys padės kiekvieno vaiko gyvenimo žaizdoms gyti.

Tai privalomas skaitinys visiems, kurie yra įvaikinę ar globoja vaikus. Knyga bus naudinga ir savo biologinius vaikus auginantiems tėvams bei su vaikais dirbantiems specialistams.

Genres: Parenting, Adoption, Nonfiction, Fostering, Family, Psychology, Counselling

304 pages, Hardcover

First published February 22, 2007

Reviews

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I probably read this too early, but my husband and I are talking about talking about looking into adoption (ie: very early/tentative/maybe stages) and when I asked in Litsy, a friend who adopted two kids not as babies said this book was everything. It's definitely not the parenting style I was raised in, and while I do know enough to know I don't want to raise a child the way I was raised, I don't necessarily know anything at all. This would be a book to revisit when dealing with behavioral issues, meltdowns, frustrations. The author uses a lot of scholarly research but writes simply, sometimes I almost felt it was too dumbed down but since she references everything I may go back to the source. This is a very time-intensive, patient, full-body type of parenting, and from what I'm understanding, an important approach for children who may be coming from a trauma background. It's interesting how much mindfulness is a part of this. But one suggested schedule has me a bit overwhelmed. I mean, how does this combine with working parents, I wonder. And do we really need that much eye contact? What about if a child has been abused, could they interpret eye contact as domineering? Phew, lots to revisit here.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is BY FAR the most helpful book I've read on attachment, bonding and helping a traumatized child learn to feel safe and yet not allow them to overly control the life of your family due to their very real struggles and issues. Written by two PhD's at Texas Christian University, they provide common-sense understanding of what triggers fear and other struggles in traumatized children while offering very helpful and HOPEFUL strategies for compassionate, loving, strong and effective parenting to help them learn to feel secure and overcome their struggles. After reading another book on this subject last week from start to finish in one late-night session that gave me very little hope, very few practical ideas and created a great deal of anxiety and fear of the future, this book has been a great comfort.

I will be giving this book as a gift to every new adoptive parent I know. Can't wait to finish it, probably this weekend. I stayed up until 3:30am reading it last night...

[Kami · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book because I have an adopted daughter that I am struggling to connect with. I thought it was exceptional. There were several chapters applicable only to adopted and foster children, however the rest of it I would recommend to any parent.

Here's a few of the gems I found personally beneficial:

1)A lot of my daughter's behaviors that drive me insane aren't her personality--it's a result of where she began and are coping/survival mechanisms. I actually was surprised at how many behaviors they listed that my daughter does, almost word for word. It makes it easier to be compassionate (another thing they stress).

2) I really liked Ch. 5--"Teaching Life Values." It was great because it gave clear, usable strategies (backed up with research)that are things I could instantly implement.

3) Ditto that with Ch. 6--"You Are the Boss." I've already have been trying a lot of their recommended corrective approaches with my daughter. What surprised me at first, is that even though I stay calmer, she gets more mad. Especially when I make her do "re-dos." It does make sense though. Before I would just yell at her and then we'd move on, now it's much more involved and requires her to respond to me and practice, and takes way more of her time and energy. However, I have high hopes that it will help. I know yelling won't help a thing.

4) I read Ch. 7--"Dealing with Defiance" out loud to my husband. Definitely things we plan on using there.

5)I also thought it was useful that they directed two chapters in particular to the parents. They gave overviews of different parenting styles(ie permissive, authoritative, or authoritarian)--I'm definitely authoritarian and avoidant. Yeah, I need to work on that. It just gave perspective on how parents have issues to work on too.

[Brittnee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is pure GOLD! This book gives real strategies and insights into how to help bring healing, attachment and growth to our kiddos. Every foster parent and adoptive parent should read this book. It is invaluable. You don't have to be a foster or adoptive parent to read this book. If you're interested in learning more about the needs of kiddos from hard places and/or providing support for your family/friends who have adopted and how their kiddo's needs are best met and how attachment & healing are built then READ this book! :)

[Leah Weaver · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. Obviously, I'm not an adoptive mom, but as a teacher and a "foster and adoptive sister", I have been greatly benefited by this book. If you have never read this book or one like it, I would highly recommend it. In some places it could feel a little oversimplified, but the reality is no book can fully expound on every situation or circumstance. I feel like it better equipped me to understand and evaluate what a child truly needs and how to meet those needs in productive, wholesome ways. I think our traditional views on child-training can be greatly benefited by the perspectives offered here.

[Staci · Rating 5 out of 5]

The framework of this book is parenting children who come from any kind of difficult past or transition, adoption, trauma, etc.

The surprising humble,and highly emotional pie I ate while reading it was this: Dr. Purvis is kind to suggest the kind of parenting it takes to successfully parent children from "hard places" is just that: mere kindness. The fact is, her parenting strategies would make every child a happier, more connected, more well adjusted child.

And if every parent practiced the kind of parenting she suggests, well, the world would be a better place. We'd all be much more effective, loving parents.

I highly recommend this book for ANYONE dealing with emotions or behavior in kids that your current strategies just aren't fixing.

The best example of how I was challenged was her suggestion that "sometimes to be an effective parent, you have to be willing to leave that full cart of groceries." Following through works, but whining, pleading, begging and bribing don't teach anything.

Love this, and will refer to it again and again.

[Moh. Nasiri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good tips for parenting.

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Should be required reading for adoptive parents. However, there were many things I highlighted that will aid me in being a better mom to my biological children as well.
Noteworthy quotes:
1- Too often parents and experts look at behavioral disorders as if they they existed separate from sensory impairments, separate from attention difficulties, separate from childhood deprivation, neurological damage, attachment disorders, post traumatic stress; and so on. You should take a more holistic approach because we know from a wealth of scientific research that a baby's neurological, physical, behavioral, and relational skills all develop and emerge together. An infant needs more than just food and water and a roof over his or her head to grow; he or she needs close physical human contact and social interactions to develop optimally.
2- Time-outs are a common form of discipline, but this strategy backfires with a special needs child, esp. one who has been adopted or who has attachment difficulties. Isolating that child just reinforces her deeply ingrained experience that she can only rely on herself and that she is alone against the world.
3- The goal is for a child to interrupt his or her own misbehavior at the point of intention, instead of parents interrupting a misbehavior at the point of action.

[Dani Bruno · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had trouble rating this book. It is certainly insightful, both for adoptive children and children with special needs, but lacks any biblical worldview (I.e. they comment several times how “nature” has created us certain ways). I would recommend reading this alongside books that give insight on Christian principles in parenting. Even so, some of the psychological explanations and practical advice for children who have endured trauma or live with special needs was certainly eye opening and helpful.

[Kacie Woodmansee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought most of the advice in this book was excellent. While geared towards foster/adopted children from hard places, a majority of the information could be applied towards all children. Knowing the history and science behind certain behaviors is always helpful for understanding where kids are coming from. The main issue I had with the book is the main issue I have with a lot of the reviews of the book. It's okay to not have the whole parenting thing figured out. You shouldn't feel shame if you need to be reminded of some of the truths in this book or if you've never heard them. While, yes, some of the concepts are Parenting 101, nobody is a perfect parent and we all need to be reminded of those basics every now and then. So don't feel bad if you read a review that says they've heard all this before. That doesn't mean it won't be helpful to you and your family. And don't feel bad if you read this book and realize you struggle with a lot of the concepts. I wish the book emphasized having grace for yourself as a parent. You're not going to always get it right. The three steps forward and one step back illustration used in the book should be applied to parents as well. Use this book as a tool for some of those steps forward and forgive yourself (and ask forgiveness from your children) when you take that step back.

[Sanjida · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a bit hokey when I first read it, but after being a parent for over a year I've realized I ended up using much of this advice, so it must have felt helpful.

[Kaleb McMillan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Now that I’ve read this book I will be a perfect parent. It is as simple as that

[Kendra · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great resource book. Lots of helpful, practical ideas on how to help your adopted child in the bonding process. The only reason I didn't give it a "5" is that I had hoped (maybe it was an unfair expectation) that she would address, in more depth, the complex emotions that parents also bring into the relationship (ex. grief and loss). Maybe we are odd ducks in that we have already experienced the death of a child, although there are plenty of people who also adopt after infertility. I feel that the author does a great job of teaching us how to help our child bond to us, but I was hoping that she would speak in more depth to how parents might see *themselves* bonding to their child. (and how to help their children welcome a sister/brother into the mix too) Maybe I'll just need to find another book to deal with all those other issues....This is still an excellent resource!

[Melissa Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very informative and insightful book. While it was great for me to read as an adoptive mother preparing to adopt a toddler, I think it is a great parenting book for others as well. It provides solid reasons why traumatized children act out in different ways and gives very practical parenting advice on how to gently, but firmly help them deal with their issues. Definitely a must-read for adoptive parents.

[Genni · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of this may seem like common sense to a lot of parents (i.e. make eye contact with your children, play with them, enjoy them, etc), but there is also a wealth of really fantastic insight and tips for dealing with children from hard places. I wish they would put out another book dealing specifically with adopting older children since there is such a need there. Anyway, highly recommended if you have adopted or are thinking about it as a possibility.

[Nathaniel Spencer · Rating 5 out of 5]

A goldmine of information and techniques, not only for parents of (as the book terms it) “kids from hard places,” but any parents at all. I’d almost say it’s required reading. What’s great is that there’s a unifying spirit to all of the concepts here, and I expect you could grow not only as a parent by implementing them, but as a person. Parenting changes a person as it is, and this book outlines a type of person that I would really like to be.

[Melissa Grice · Rating 5 out of 5]

A thorough, encouraging book on increasing attachment and coping with trauma in adopted children. Not only will this help with bonding with our new child, but there are several strategies here that will improve our relationships with our bio children as well. I love that the authors focus on strategies of nurturing emotional connections, establishing felt safety, establishing boundaries, and optimizing physical health, and they view medication as a very last resort.

[Helen Tocco · Rating 5 out of 5]

I hope to adopt children someday in the next few years, and I think I need to read this book at least 5 more times to really let all this great information sink in. It was a bit repetitive at times, but I think the repetition is useful to make sure you are really internalizing the concepts. I highly recommend this for any parent, and especially adoptive and foster parents.

[Makenzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for every adoptive or foster parent, but beneficial to any parent or person who works with children. Lots of practical advice with research to back it up. If you have a chance to see Karyn Purvis at an Empowered to Connect conference I highly recommend it!

[Andrew Wolgemuth · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent read for adoptive and/or foster care parenting (and those who support them, too). It's helpful in providing better understanding the thinking and behavior of kids from tough places, and it provides lots of practical helps and guidance in the process.

[Ashlee Kirschner · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book did have a lot of useful ideas in it - giving your adopted child options, distracting them after saying no to prevent a meltdown, recognizing that your adhd kid may go and go until they literally fall down from exhaustion and dehydration (and how to help prevent this).

There was also helpful suggestions about potential nutritional shortfalls in kids with adhd, etc. such as a lack of magnesium which helps calm you down.

However, this book was somewhat unrealistic. I am not sure if their suggested schedule was simply meant for a couple weeks while you get your kid on track or if it was meant to be your regular routine. Their suggested routine involved hours and hours of focussed time with your child with no time for work and only 2-3 hrs of time to do meal prep and housework throughout the entire day. And they suggest cutting out highly processed foods, sugar, etc. The schedule was completely unrealistic for people who work, have more than one child and who make their food from scratch.

I also did not agree with their approach to discipline. In a realistic world again it would not work very well. It required you dealing with every situation immediately (which means your child is always playing near you and that you are also always able to drop everything immediately to deal with it). And it also did not seem to address the seriousness of the behaviour (Ie saying hands are not for hitting when your child whacks another - it didn’t really seem to teach the child to take things seriously and to realize how their actions harmed another)

[Gediminas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Apie tėvystę esu skaitęs nedaug, bet ši knyga drąsiai gali būti šalia Kaip užauginti žmogų: mintys iš vaikų psichologo smėlio dėžės kaip labai verta perskaityti. Tikėtina, kad iš jos pasiimsite tiek platesnį matymą, tiek praktinių patarimų.

Ko nesimato iš knygos pavadinimo - kad pagrindinė knygos auditorija yra globojantys ar įsivaikinantys tėvai, dėl to ypač knygos pradžioje nemažai dėmesio skiriama šiai specifikai. Tačiau neišsigąskite - didžioji knygos dalis yra bendrinė ir pritaikoma visiems vaikams.

Be to, pasiskaityti apie įvaikintų ar globojamų vaikų anksčiau patirtas traumas ir iš jų kylančius iššūkius tolesniame gyvenime gali būti naudinga, nes pastebėjau, kad po to randu kiek daugiau atjautos kitiems žmonėms ir tolerantiškumo neįprastam elgesiui - juk dažnai nežinia, ką kuris žmogus yra patyręs, ir kas tokį elgesį suformavo.

[Vaidadienis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Niekada per daug nesusimąsčiau, kad įsivaikinus vaiką gali susidurti su tokiomis problemomis, nors net nebūtinai tik įsivaikinus, baisias pasekmes gali patirti kiekvienas nemylimas ir neprižiūrimas vaikas.
Sužeisti vaikai gali nežinoti, ką reiškia apkabinimas, buvimas šalia ar buvimas saugiu ir nemokėjimas suprasti savo tikrų jausmų.
Atrodo, bet ar tikrai jie to gali nežinoti ir nejausti?
Deja, taip.
Juk jie augo be tokio pavyzdžio ir jiems normalu gali atrodyti daug kitų dalykų, kurie mums gali būti nesuvokiami, pavyzdžiui kaip, kad bėgimas slėptis, ar rekimas, isterijos.
⠀
Knygoje pateikiama informacija yra moksliškai pagrįsta, todėl tai nėra tik šiaip patirtys ir rekomendacijos, nors knygoje gausu praktikos, bet tik todėl, kad padėtų geriau suprasti kas slypi už vaiko elgesio ir kaip palaikyti tvirtą ryšį su vaikais.

[Aušra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Man ši knyga labai gražus atradimas! Braukiau, spalvinau ir visaip kaip žymėjausi svarbias mintis. Net jeigu ir ne naujos tos mintys,bet tooookios galingos!
Skaičiau kelis kartus ir dar skaitysiu. Knyga mane motyvuoja, sušildo. Net jei ir nepritariu kai kur išreiškiamoms "klausykis ir paklusk" formuluotėms, atrandu čia tiek daug noro, jėgų, drąsos padėti sušilti - vaikams, tėvams. Surasti vieniems kitus. Ryšys tikrai yra gražiausia ir stipriausia, ką vienas kitam galime duoti.

[Jordyn Bridge · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one I’m continually re-reading because the philosophy and real world examples are so good! Karyn Purvis cared deeply for all children, no matter their behavior. She sought to understand them and give them a voice.

[Anneka · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really didn't think this would get 5⭐️ initially, but dang it was practical and well researched

[Leah Good · Rating 4 out of 5]

2025 Review
I read this as a 19 year old (yes, I was a weird kid) and, revisiting it now as an adultier adult, I was surprised to realize how much it has shaped my perspective on parenting in general. I'm single and don't have kids, so take with a grain of salt, but I think this is a valuable book even for parents without adopted children to learn how to compassionately engage, set healthy and stable boundaries, and create an environment of felt safety and relational connection with their children.

P.S. Much less concerned about the "spare the rod" advice now. 😛

2014 Review
Hovering between 4 and 5 stars here. Is it okay to rate every non-fiction, adopted rated book I read 5 stars? :P

This book outlines how to understand and address the negative behaviors and emotional distance displayed by children that come from "hard place". Author Karen Purvis emphasizes the need for compassion and parenting techniques that bring negative behaviors under control while still making the child feel safe and unthreatened.

My only slight concern with this book is the suggestion to put traditional "spare the rod" parenting techniques aside. While I fully agree with that advice for children with traumatic pasts, I'm also wary of completely ignoring scriptural mandates for discipline. But perhaps that's a fear that's blown out of proportion by witnessing too much wishy-washy parenting, because I agreed with what she said in the context she said it in throughout the book.

Overall, I loved reading this book and I already have several people I'd love to gift a copy too. I'd recommend it to any adopting family, no matter what age they adopt their child at.

[Shannon Wyss · Rating 4 out of 5]

My life partner and i are working on becoming foster parents. So we aren't in the thick of things yet and aren't sure what to expect. As a result, i found this book insightful.

But we'll probably be fostering teens. And this book is serious when it says "child" in the title. I think the word "teenager(s)" was mentioned all of three times. And the highest age of a child profiled was 10 or 12. I'm not sure how techniques for young children will work for youth. But there are some larger strategies and outlooks here that will likely still be useful.

If you want teen-specific information, this probably isn't your source. But if you're open to younger ages, this is likely incredibly helpful.

[Catie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great for ANY parent or parent-to-be, regardless if you are adopting!

As future adopting parents with no kids yet, we are so encouraged and thankful for this book. It provides much insight and helpful resources for what potential difficult situations as you learn to parent - not just for adopted kids but ANY kids you may parent (including biological). This book helps you see and learn how to balance correction and nurturing so your child can learn to be respectful and loved/loving!

[Sarah Land · Rating 5 out of 5]

I truly believe that anyone who interacts with children should read this book. I don’t love that the cover specifies it as a book for certain children, because trauma is universal and while it is definitely a resource for families who foster or adopt, I think anyone who is a part of a child’s life can benefit from this book. Dr. Karyn Purvis was a genius.