This is a strange, depressing memoir in which the author lays all his faults and vices out on paper while balancing it with overpraise for his family, friends, and coworkers. He has to be admired for having the guts to make public his numerous issues, including mental health problems, but his insecurities and self-loathing are so far from the character he plays on General Hospital that it's hard to feel good about him.
Benard's upbringing is pretty shocking, with parental abuse having a big impact on him as well as his going to see the movie The Exorcist as a child. He not only sleeps around with a lot of woman as a teen, openly cheating on his girlfriend, but he gets in a lot of fights and starts to have mental issues where he hears voices, sees the devil, and encounters images in the dark. He's put into a psych ward and eventually is diagnosed bipolar. He claims his medication saved him, along with a girl he met at a mall who became his loving supportive wife, but he never seems to get a grip on it and throughout his life he is filled with anxiety.
What surprised me most was he pushes medication on people with mental health issues but he himself wasn't cured with the lithium he takes daily. He to this day has huge anxiety attacks, rarely gets on a plane, fights with producers and directors, and goes 3 or 4 days without sleep. If there were a happy ending to this book it might alter how I felt about it, but his attempt to spin everything positive by telling us how great his wife and kids are just makes his own problems even greater.
He certainly likes to praise himself as well when he gets an award or gets involved in a non-profit or discusses his loves of animals. I have plenty of theories and ideas for him--the basic one being that if he is so highly strung with anxiety, why not quit the TV and movie career that causes him all the stress and devote his life to non-profit work for mental health or animals? Instead of medicating and causing everyone around him problems, why doesn't he do something to get rid of the triggers and help those he truly cares about?
He doesn't--he accepts film roles that freak him out and is on a TV show almost five days a week that causes him to panic, resulting in his wife holding his hand and almost acting like a mother to the childlike performer--telling him he must do something and constantly soothing his fears. It reminded me of dealing with a little kid that always wants attention and will say or do anything to get it instead of taking responsibility for his own actions and emotions.
I had read elsewhere that he had a spiritual side but there's not a lot of detail about that in the book, only a passing reference to his Catholic upbringing and how he meditates. That too is something to look into regarding potential solutions for his problems.
The book was ultimately unsatisfying. While I admire Benard for being willing to open up, the book feels like it's more of a therapy exercise in which he's trying to convince his family and friends that he appreciates them no matter how he has treated them. He's like that wild child in the family who is constantly doing naughty things, then gets incredibly overly emotional when someone is hurt or dies. He didn't attend his best friend's funeral, his son doesn't say "I love you" to him, he had a number of co-stars that worked with him leave shows after his repeated bl0w-ups on set. You'd think he'd have a bit more introspection as to the real cause of these issues and how to truly change instead of just blaming it on a mental health diagnosis. It's an issue that is not as easily solved with medication as he makes it sound in the subtitle of the book.