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Dangerous Love: Transforming Fear and Conflict at Home, at Work, and in the World
Chad Ford reminds us that humanity lies within all of us, and although conflict is everywhere in today's world, we have the tools we need to overcome obstacles and to thrive. This is a fantastic, timely book that I highly recommend.
--Steve Kerr, Head Coach, Golden State Warriors
Knowing how to transform conflict is critical in both our personal and professional lives. Yet, by and large, we are terrible at it. The reason, says longtime mediator Chad Ford, is fear. When conflict comes, our instincts are to run or fight.
To transform conflict, Ford says we need to turn toward the people we are in conflict with, put down our physical and emotional weapons, and really love them with the kind of love that leads us to treat others as fellow human beings, not as objects in our way. We have to open ourselves up with no guarantee that anyone on the other side will do the same. While this can feel even more dangerous than conflict itself, it allows us to see the humanity of others so clearly that their needs and desires matter to us as much as our own.
Ford shows dangerous love in action through examples ranging from his work in the Middle East to a deeply moving story about reconciling with his father. He explains why we disconnect from people at the very time we need to be most connected and the predictable patterns of justification and escalation that ensue. Most importantly, he gives us a path to practice dangerous love in the conflicts that matter most to us.
--Steve Kerr, Head Coach, Golden State Warriors
Knowing how to transform conflict is critical in both our personal and professional lives. Yet, by and large, we are terrible at it. The reason, says longtime mediator Chad Ford, is fear. When conflict comes, our instincts are to run or fight.
To transform conflict, Ford says we need to turn toward the people we are in conflict with, put down our physical and emotional weapons, and really love them with the kind of love that leads us to treat others as fellow human beings, not as objects in our way. We have to open ourselves up with no guarantee that anyone on the other side will do the same. While this can feel even more dangerous than conflict itself, it allows us to see the humanity of others so clearly that their needs and desires matter to us as much as our own.
Ford shows dangerous love in action through examples ranging from his work in the Middle East to a deeply moving story about reconciling with his father. He explains why we disconnect from people at the very time we need to be most connected and the predictable patterns of justification and escalation that ensue. Most importantly, he gives us a path to practice dangerous love in the conflicts that matter most to us.
240 pages, Paperback
Published June 23, 2020
47 people are currently reading
436 people want to read
About the author
Chad Ford
3 books8 followersCHAD FORD is an international conflict mediator, facilitator, and peace educator.
While most people know him for his work at ESPN, being a basketball analyst and writer was actually his side-gig for most of the last two decades. Chad’s peacebuilding work is what defines him.
After completing a Master’s degree in Conflict Analysis and Resolution from George Mason University and a Juris Doctorate from Georgetown University Law School in 2000, Chad was poised to begin his career as a conflict mediator and facilitator.
Chad seved as the Director of the David O. McKay Center for Intercultural Understanding at BYU-Hawaii. for nearly twenty years where he created a major and certificate program in intercultural peacebuilding.
In 2024, Chad left his position at BYU-Hawaii to join the faculty at Utah State University. Chad is serving a joint appointment with the Religious Studies department and the Heravi Peace Institute. Chad teaches courses in Religion, Violence and Peace; Bridging Religious Differences; Introduction to Peacebuilding; and Transformative Mediation.
Chad’s work has frequently taken him out of the classroom and into conflict zones around the world. He’s made more than 50 trips to the Middle East and has worked on numerous other conflicts around the world in Ireland, Cyprus, South Africa, New Zealand, Australia, Oceania, China and throughout the United States, as both a mediator and a facilitator. Chad has served as a speaker and conflict facilitator for numerous organizations — working with governments, NGOs and corporations like Nike and the US Olympic team. He’s been able to combine his expertise on both sports and conflict by serving as an executive board member of the non-profit peacebuilding organization PeacePlayers.
His first book, Dangerous Love, weaves Chad’s experiences into a deeply personal step-by-step exploration of how we transform fear and conflict. Dangerous Love has been described as the "single best book about conflict and peace for a general readership.”
His second book, 70x7, draws on Chad’s experiences as a Christian peacebuilder. What does it mean to be a disciple of Jesus when we feel stirred up with anger in our families, neighborhoods, wards, workplaces, online communities, and public forums? He shows how Jesus’s path of practicing 70×7 has the power to repair relationships by transforming destructive conflict into constructive peace.
Chad’s work with young people in the classroom, athletes on the basketball court, struggling families in the living room, executives in the boardroom, and divided communities in some of the most challenging conflicts in the world gives him a unique perspective and voice to the conflicts that plague our families, our organizations, and the world.
While most people know him for his work at ESPN, being a basketball analyst and writer was actually his side-gig for most of the last two decades. Chad’s peacebuilding work is what defines him.
After completing a Master’s degree in Conflict Analysis and Resolution from George Mason University and a Juris Doctorate from Georgetown University Law School in 2000, Chad was poised to begin his career as a conflict mediator and facilitator.
Chad seved as the Director of the David O. McKay Center for Intercultural Understanding at BYU-Hawaii. for nearly twenty years where he created a major and certificate program in intercultural peacebuilding.
In 2024, Chad left his position at BYU-Hawaii to join the faculty at Utah State University. Chad is serving a joint appointment with the Religious Studies department and the Heravi Peace Institute. Chad teaches courses in Religion, Violence and Peace; Bridging Religious Differences; Introduction to Peacebuilding; and Transformative Mediation.
Chad’s work has frequently taken him out of the classroom and into conflict zones around the world. He’s made more than 50 trips to the Middle East and has worked on numerous other conflicts around the world in Ireland, Cyprus, South Africa, New Zealand, Australia, Oceania, China and throughout the United States, as both a mediator and a facilitator. Chad has served as a speaker and conflict facilitator for numerous organizations — working with governments, NGOs and corporations like Nike and the US Olympic team. He’s been able to combine his expertise on both sports and conflict by serving as an executive board member of the non-profit peacebuilding organization PeacePlayers.
His first book, Dangerous Love, weaves Chad’s experiences into a deeply personal step-by-step exploration of how we transform fear and conflict. Dangerous Love has been described as the "single best book about conflict and peace for a general readership.”
His second book, 70x7, draws on Chad’s experiences as a Christian peacebuilder. What does it mean to be a disciple of Jesus when we feel stirred up with anger in our families, neighborhoods, wards, workplaces, online communities, and public forums? He shows how Jesus’s path of practicing 70×7 has the power to repair relationships by transforming destructive conflict into constructive peace.
Chad’s work with young people in the classroom, athletes on the basketball court, struggling families in the living room, executives in the boardroom, and divided communities in some of the most challenging conflicts in the world gives him a unique perspective and voice to the conflicts that plague our families, our organizations, and the world.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 53 reviews
November 14, 2020
I loved this book! Like Chad Ford, I'm also a mediator and professor specializing in conflict resolution, and the Arbinger approach to conflict dramatically changed the way I think about, teach, and practice conflict resolution. He has such powerful personal experiences, and I loved how he was willing to demonstrate vulnerability.
August 20, 2021
Dangerous Love speaks to one of the core struggles I have, seeing people as objects rather than people. When in conflict, all we can do is out part to turn, seeing others as people with their own desires, fears, needs and motivations. As we let go of fear and reach out to others in love and understanding, our hearts and our side of the dynamic will change and make it more likely others will change as well.
June 28, 2023
Ch 5: "You can be right or you can have peace "
Ch 6: Sometimes I am nice to avoid conflict and make sure people like me so we can keep working together but I've been thinking of it all wrong. I love this quote. "I can practice self preservation or us preservation."
Ch 6: Sometimes I am nice to avoid conflict and make sure people like me so we can keep working together but I've been thinking of it all wrong. I love this quote. "I can practice self preservation or us preservation."
April 17, 2024
Chad Ford is one of the best story-tellers I know. Having completed the peacebuilding program that he started at my alma mater, it was so neat to re-read the theories and principles behind what we studied. Even neater that this was published only a few months after I graduated. A must read, dare I say. Moving and transformative.
January 15, 2024
A really excellent book on conflict transformation from home to work to communities to nations. Clearly laid out and engaging. I think especially useful to those who haven’t read much about conflict transformation.
July 26, 2021
This was a great, short read with application in every relationship setting - from work to family. I appreciated the real life scenarios and the clear steps to take to practice dangerous love. Not an easy feat, especially in today’s polarized world, but so needed.
July 30, 2020
Book Review: Dangerous Love
Author Chad Ford
Review by Jan Verhoeff
Name recognition means something. At first, I vaguely recognized Chad’s name, but it wasn’t until I opened the book and read Jim Ferrell’s forward that I realized why. A solid understanding of the intricacies of personal connection implies that if you like the works of one, you’re likely to appreciate the works of another. Chad’s work in this book confirms this concept. His work is impressive, and I can honestly say that reading through this book was a pleasant reminder that solutions are available.
Dangerous Love is more about transforming conflict into understanding. The comprehensive study he puts forth in the book explains in vivid detail why the courageous choice of our time will be to find ways to LOVE those who challenge our awareness of the arising conflicts. Unlocking creative solutions by focusing on discussion, communication, and ultimately dissolving contention strengthens relationships, workplace development, and business /professional well-being. Anyone can be a mediator/facilitator within the realm of finding solutions, having an impactful influence over their community, and specifically finding ways to negate conflict by overcoming fear and developing ways to transform conflict into cooperation.
Ford confronts the issue of invisible confrontation, acknowledging that some are so self-absorbed that they can’t see beyond their own pain to recognize the weaknesses or difficulties being faced by others. The explanation of why those who can’t “see others” become stuck in the conflict is literally exacerbating the problem. Interaction is scary, so instead of interacting and finding a way to “SEE” their opponent, they escape into the fishbowl and bounce ideas off of like-minded schools of selected individuals. The idea that it’s too dangerous to take the blinders off and see your opponent prevents anyone from looking at the actual conflict and being open to solutions.
But Ford uses the “what if…” concept to turn his argument around.
What if we see the opponent as someone who needs us?
Ford offers specific steps to resolve conflict and find a common ground where this scenario can work. And, personal revelation here… He used one of my least favorite “writer words” to kick start the process.
“Turn” first.
The realization that we live in a world at war, in his words we’re obsessed with conflict, implies that we really do need to be better at working through the conflicts. And Ford says we can do this by being willing to look at the other guy and see them as “needing our help” or needing to be heard. How often do we look at the person arguing with us and say, “Hey, can you explain that to me, I don’t understand where you’re coming from?”
I liked the way Ford took fear out of the equation by affording the opposition the benefit of doubt, “They just need to be heard too.” Did he just allow every person on the planet a measure of humanity?
Shocking! Right?
Stop looking for validation and validate the other guy.
When we realize that what we want most is what the other guy needs too… We give ourselves an opening to actually find the solution. We offer up an opportunity to allow the other person to know we are listening. We offer to hear them.
If you “turn” first, and start listening, do you think your “opponent” might turn around and look at you differently too? At this point, conflict can transform into an opportunity to resolve the problem.
Is reconciliation the goal?
Ford enters a discussion over different types of conflict and reviews the options that can be revealed before the solution is found. This element of Dangerous Love opens doors to a variety of different solutions. The huge gap between the conflict and the resolution may be nothing more than removing your own ego from the conflict and putting your listening skills into place. Do you really HEAR the other person? That’s an important part of resolving the conflict. You have to hear the other guy.
If you continue to see the us vs. them paradox, there will be no real solution. You can’t resolve a conflict where you’ve built a wall. This is an individual perception, because boundaries are a natural distinction that helps to resolve problems. When we work toward the dynamic and wait for the other person to turn around, while we’re offering up an open door, we can work on becoming vulnerable to the options available.
Vulnerability doesn’t have to mean you’re in danger, it can also mean that you’re willing to see options.
I like the way Ford presented this information with clear cut steps and ideas to exchange. I would definitely recommend this book to others.
###
4.5 Stars
Author Chad Ford
Review by Jan Verhoeff
Name recognition means something. At first, I vaguely recognized Chad’s name, but it wasn’t until I opened the book and read Jim Ferrell’s forward that I realized why. A solid understanding of the intricacies of personal connection implies that if you like the works of one, you’re likely to appreciate the works of another. Chad’s work in this book confirms this concept. His work is impressive, and I can honestly say that reading through this book was a pleasant reminder that solutions are available.
Dangerous Love is more about transforming conflict into understanding. The comprehensive study he puts forth in the book explains in vivid detail why the courageous choice of our time will be to find ways to LOVE those who challenge our awareness of the arising conflicts. Unlocking creative solutions by focusing on discussion, communication, and ultimately dissolving contention strengthens relationships, workplace development, and business /professional well-being. Anyone can be a mediator/facilitator within the realm of finding solutions, having an impactful influence over their community, and specifically finding ways to negate conflict by overcoming fear and developing ways to transform conflict into cooperation.
Ford confronts the issue of invisible confrontation, acknowledging that some are so self-absorbed that they can’t see beyond their own pain to recognize the weaknesses or difficulties being faced by others. The explanation of why those who can’t “see others” become stuck in the conflict is literally exacerbating the problem. Interaction is scary, so instead of interacting and finding a way to “SEE” their opponent, they escape into the fishbowl and bounce ideas off of like-minded schools of selected individuals. The idea that it’s too dangerous to take the blinders off and see your opponent prevents anyone from looking at the actual conflict and being open to solutions.
But Ford uses the “what if…” concept to turn his argument around.
What if we see the opponent as someone who needs us?
Ford offers specific steps to resolve conflict and find a common ground where this scenario can work. And, personal revelation here… He used one of my least favorite “writer words” to kick start the process.
“Turn” first.
The realization that we live in a world at war, in his words we’re obsessed with conflict, implies that we really do need to be better at working through the conflicts. And Ford says we can do this by being willing to look at the other guy and see them as “needing our help” or needing to be heard. How often do we look at the person arguing with us and say, “Hey, can you explain that to me, I don’t understand where you’re coming from?”
I liked the way Ford took fear out of the equation by affording the opposition the benefit of doubt, “They just need to be heard too.” Did he just allow every person on the planet a measure of humanity?
Shocking! Right?
Stop looking for validation and validate the other guy.
When we realize that what we want most is what the other guy needs too… We give ourselves an opening to actually find the solution. We offer up an opportunity to allow the other person to know we are listening. We offer to hear them.
If you “turn” first, and start listening, do you think your “opponent” might turn around and look at you differently too? At this point, conflict can transform into an opportunity to resolve the problem.
Is reconciliation the goal?
Ford enters a discussion over different types of conflict and reviews the options that can be revealed before the solution is found. This element of Dangerous Love opens doors to a variety of different solutions. The huge gap between the conflict and the resolution may be nothing more than removing your own ego from the conflict and putting your listening skills into place. Do you really HEAR the other person? That’s an important part of resolving the conflict. You have to hear the other guy.
If you continue to see the us vs. them paradox, there will be no real solution. You can’t resolve a conflict where you’ve built a wall. This is an individual perception, because boundaries are a natural distinction that helps to resolve problems. When we work toward the dynamic and wait for the other person to turn around, while we’re offering up an open door, we can work on becoming vulnerable to the options available.
Vulnerability doesn’t have to mean you’re in danger, it can also mean that you’re willing to see options.
I like the way Ford presented this information with clear cut steps and ideas to exchange. I would definitely recommend this book to others.
###
4.5 Stars
February 22, 2021
I was intrigued by this book after hearing an interview with him on the podcast “all in.” The book was very interesting and I loved his view on conflict and how to work through it. His smog vs. cocoon metaphor was helpful and hearing the stories, some personal and some not, of turning first and practicing dangerous love were motivating and encouraging. Of course, we only ever have control over ourselves, so you never know how someone will respond, but I really like his perspective and want to incorporate this into my life.
December 13, 2025
We all have conflicts in our lives. The author is a conflict mediator who makes you look at conflict through a different lens and how to use love to change the conflicts we find ourselves in. This book has lots of personal stories. If you're a fan of the Arbinger Institute, you'll enjoy this book as well as the ones the Institute puts out.
*Our perception of conflict changes when we change. The questions is whether we have the ability to change the way we see conflict and whether that change can alter the conflict dynamics at home, in our communities, and in the world.
*Avoidance itself, when taken too far or employed too long, becomes the problem. Avoiders are more concerned about not rocking their boats than repairing relationships.
*A single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. --Wilfred Arlan Peterson
*At the heart of virtually every conflict are people in relationship to each other.
*Self-deception isn't just having a problem and not knowing you have a problem. It's also resisting any suggestion that you have a problem. The primary way that self-deception deceives us is by convincing us that the people we are in relationship with during conflict aren't actually people at all. They are objects that do not deserve to be see the same way we do. Self-deception convinces us that the negative connections we feel toward someone can be solved by either forcing it or breaking it.
*We do not make progress in our way of being by working hard to make events go our way, or by using all our wit and skill to outmaneuver or overpower others to make them bend to our will. We get nowhere by forcing onto them our plan for making ourselves happy. Good things do start to happen as soon as we open ourselves to the light or truth that flows to us from others. --Terry Warner, Arbinger Institute
*It's not enough to say we see people as people. Our actions have to reflect that view for it to have any real power. An apology without change isn't an apology. Accountability without correction isn't accountability.
*Dangerous love allows us to see the humanity of another person so clearly that the other's needs and desires matter as much to me as my own. It's the sort of love that engenders empathy, respect, and ultimately trust in a way that illuminates a path toward reconciliation.
*The first strand of reconciliation is about the power of narrative and truth. To reconcile, people often need and unfiltered account of what happened during the conflict. When we embrace the truth about both ourselves and others and when we take accountability for the way we've been seeing and treating others and do so without justification or fear, we invite others to see us differently and to see themselves differently too. Sharing experiences and stories, even ones that makes us look bad, is the first step to invite empathy, understanding, and trust in the most discouraging of relationships.
*How to Love Intentionally
--take time to check in about how they are feeling, what they are struggling with, and how you might help
--spend more time building relationships and listening and less time teaching or correcting (Arbinger Institute's Influence Pyramid)
--ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions; stay curious; ask "why"
--stay consistent. Trust is built through consistency.
*Creating lasting change takes a deliberateness that we often apply to our work but not our relationships. What is takes is a commitment to being curious about people, even when they are being difficult. It takes a commitment to be less self-absorbed and more us-absorbed.
*Monthly Personal Accountability Guide
--think about the relationships you're trying to improve and maintain both personally and professionally
--set small goals about actions you could take that would be helpful to them on a daily or weekly basis
--review the guide weekly to make you're being helpful to others
--every morning resolve to find at least one person whom you can help that day and then try to be sensitive to whatever feelings or promptings you might have as you encounter everyone from strangers to family -- then follow those promptings
--good days aren't measured just by what I got done, but also by how I saw the people around me
*Our perception of conflict changes when we change. The questions is whether we have the ability to change the way we see conflict and whether that change can alter the conflict dynamics at home, in our communities, and in the world.
*Avoidance itself, when taken too far or employed too long, becomes the problem. Avoiders are more concerned about not rocking their boats than repairing relationships.
*A single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. --Wilfred Arlan Peterson
*At the heart of virtually every conflict are people in relationship to each other.
*Self-deception isn't just having a problem and not knowing you have a problem. It's also resisting any suggestion that you have a problem. The primary way that self-deception deceives us is by convincing us that the people we are in relationship with during conflict aren't actually people at all. They are objects that do not deserve to be see the same way we do. Self-deception convinces us that the negative connections we feel toward someone can be solved by either forcing it or breaking it.
*We do not make progress in our way of being by working hard to make events go our way, or by using all our wit and skill to outmaneuver or overpower others to make them bend to our will. We get nowhere by forcing onto them our plan for making ourselves happy. Good things do start to happen as soon as we open ourselves to the light or truth that flows to us from others. --Terry Warner, Arbinger Institute
*It's not enough to say we see people as people. Our actions have to reflect that view for it to have any real power. An apology without change isn't an apology. Accountability without correction isn't accountability.
*Dangerous love allows us to see the humanity of another person so clearly that the other's needs and desires matter as much to me as my own. It's the sort of love that engenders empathy, respect, and ultimately trust in a way that illuminates a path toward reconciliation.
*The first strand of reconciliation is about the power of narrative and truth. To reconcile, people often need and unfiltered account of what happened during the conflict. When we embrace the truth about both ourselves and others and when we take accountability for the way we've been seeing and treating others and do so without justification or fear, we invite others to see us differently and to see themselves differently too. Sharing experiences and stories, even ones that makes us look bad, is the first step to invite empathy, understanding, and trust in the most discouraging of relationships.
*How to Love Intentionally
--take time to check in about how they are feeling, what they are struggling with, and how you might help
--spend more time building relationships and listening and less time teaching or correcting (Arbinger Institute's Influence Pyramid)
--ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions; stay curious; ask "why"
--stay consistent. Trust is built through consistency.
*Creating lasting change takes a deliberateness that we often apply to our work but not our relationships. What is takes is a commitment to being curious about people, even when they are being difficult. It takes a commitment to be less self-absorbed and more us-absorbed.
*Monthly Personal Accountability Guide
--think about the relationships you're trying to improve and maintain both personally and professionally
--set small goals about actions you could take that would be helpful to them on a daily or weekly basis
--review the guide weekly to make you're being helpful to others
--every morning resolve to find at least one person whom you can help that day and then try to be sensitive to whatever feelings or promptings you might have as you encounter everyone from strangers to family -- then follow those promptings
--good days aren't measured just by what I got done, but also by how I saw the people around me
November 8, 2024
Another wonderful book.
Quotes:
“The way we perceive the world has more to do with our happiness than the things, jobs, money, power, beauty, or comfort that we do or don’t have. We can choose to be happy or sad by gaining some control over how we see the world.” - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Smog vs. Cocoon metaphor for conflict- conflict doesn’t have to be destructive, it can be transformative, becoming something different and inviting everything around us to interact with us differently. Source of that change is internal, not external
Smog metaphor is that conflict changes when others change. But when others don’t change, conflict never ends.
Our perception of conflict changes when we change. The question is whether we have the ability to change the way we see conflict, and whether that change can alter the conflict dynamics at home, in our communities and in the world.
I experience the worst types of pain when I am in conflict with reality, when I refuse to see myself, others and even the world for what they really are. When I try to hold on tightly to the false idea that I can change others without changing me, disappointment, hopelessness and fear follow. In this moment there is only one choice. Practice dangerous love.
We can be right or we can have peace. It’s pretty hard to have both. Do you want to be right or do you want peace.
I/It vs. I/Thou
Real collaboration in I/Thou
See everyone you encounter as a person
Self-deception can change our perspective to feel better about what we’ve done.
“I have come to a frightening conclusions. I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or deescalated and a person humanized or dehumanized.” -Hame Ginott
Self-deception is a paradox because it seems impossible to solve. Easy to see in others but difficult to see in ourselves.
“Anger is like liquid. It’s fluid. It’s like water. You put it in a container and it takes the shape of that container.” -Leymah Gbowee
When changing others is really about making my life better, not theirs, that’s selfish love. Forcing and correcting- they are the problem, if they aren’t willing to change, we’ll help them along. Threats, ultimatums, punishment, shunning, shaming, cold shoulder, sanctions, boycotts, strikes, war. Did others change? For most the answer is no. If yes, was it sustainable?
When the water flows toward love it is defined by openness, accountability, self-reflection and vulnerability, mutual respect, dignity and the proactive engagement of the other. Dangerous love gets the water flowing in the only direction that will actually give us lasting solutions to the actions that beset us.
Three values to make Dangerous Love actionable:
See people as people.
Turn first. Inside-outside transformation
Collaborative problem solving. Commit to find solutions that meet the needs of both of us.
“Reconciliation is the point where acknowledgement and forgiveness, justice and mercy, and security and peace meet. Reconciliation creates a space where the present can be reframed to encompass the pain of the past alongside the hope of the future.” -John Paul Lederach
Truth, mercy, justice and peace are major components of reconciliation
What if they won’t turn? What if they won’t join hands with me? Realize that others may struggle to pursue reconciliation with us. They may struggle to let go of justification and blame. They may not be able to acknowledge their wrongs. When we encounter others who are struggling in these ways, we can resist and say, “If they will not change, then neither will I.” So, we say, I am willing to change even if they aren’t ready to yet. The vulnerability we feel in such moments can be overwhelming, as if too much is at risk, too dangerous. Dangerous love helps us understand that a broken heart is an open heart and an open heart is the only way to live.
A paradox lives at the heart of reconciliation. When others are people to us, while we do all that we can to turn first and remove the obstacles that stand in the way of reconnection, we do not require or demand the same in return. We do not need an apology to offer our own. We do not need forgiveness only to forgive. We are willing to right our wrongs even if others are not willing to right theirs. Reconciliation is the miracle that reconnects us to others and makes us whole.
Do things for the sake of the relationship. Listen without an agenda. “What is it that I don’t understand?” When we are seeing people as objects we are quick to make assumptions about motives and character. When we see people as people we are curious why people think, feel, and act the way they do. The question “why” is a magic one. The more you ask why, the more understanding you’ll have and better you’ll be able to find a collaborative solution.
Conflict can be discouraging, but it also can give hope.
We can help with healing the world’s conflict by healing the conflict in our homes and families.
There is no big in peace. Just small. Peace is not made by treaties or by the judgements of laws, though they can help. Peace is made in every moment that I choose to see the truth instead of a lie. The moment I embrace your humanity and mine. While the process may end with nations and communities, it doesn’t start there.
“If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world.”
-Chinese Proverb
“It is by small and simple things that great things are brought to pass.”
Let go of your fear of conflict. Conflict doesn’t have to be smog, it can be a cocoon. Beauty can emerge from the most dangerous conflict. You will emerge from the conflict stronger and happier and a better partner, parent or coworker if you let go of the smog view. Let go of the fear of the person you are in conflict with. Avoiding, accommodating, and competing aren’t the only options available to you. People have an innate ability to collaboratively engage in problem solving when they see the humanity of the people they are in conflict with. Turn first. For dangerous love to work, you have to be the first to turn. You turn by first letting go of your fear of conflict and then letting go of your fear of others in the conflict, then you use truth, mercy, justice and peace to create the space to invite others to turn. Invite them to turn. It might take weeks, months, or years. Dangerous love is the most powerful invitation there is to invite reconciliation with the person we are in conflict with. Small and simple things. You can do this. Open your eyes and heart. Choose dangerous love. It may not change the world, but it will transform yours.
Quotes:
“The way we perceive the world has more to do with our happiness than the things, jobs, money, power, beauty, or comfort that we do or don’t have. We can choose to be happy or sad by gaining some control over how we see the world.” - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Smog vs. Cocoon metaphor for conflict- conflict doesn’t have to be destructive, it can be transformative, becoming something different and inviting everything around us to interact with us differently. Source of that change is internal, not external
Smog metaphor is that conflict changes when others change. But when others don’t change, conflict never ends.
Our perception of conflict changes when we change. The question is whether we have the ability to change the way we see conflict, and whether that change can alter the conflict dynamics at home, in our communities and in the world.
I experience the worst types of pain when I am in conflict with reality, when I refuse to see myself, others and even the world for what they really are. When I try to hold on tightly to the false idea that I can change others without changing me, disappointment, hopelessness and fear follow. In this moment there is only one choice. Practice dangerous love.
We can be right or we can have peace. It’s pretty hard to have both. Do you want to be right or do you want peace.
I/It vs. I/Thou
Real collaboration in I/Thou
See everyone you encounter as a person
Self-deception can change our perspective to feel better about what we’ve done.
“I have come to a frightening conclusions. I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or deescalated and a person humanized or dehumanized.” -Hame Ginott
Self-deception is a paradox because it seems impossible to solve. Easy to see in others but difficult to see in ourselves.
“Anger is like liquid. It’s fluid. It’s like water. You put it in a container and it takes the shape of that container.” -Leymah Gbowee
When changing others is really about making my life better, not theirs, that’s selfish love. Forcing and correcting- they are the problem, if they aren’t willing to change, we’ll help them along. Threats, ultimatums, punishment, shunning, shaming, cold shoulder, sanctions, boycotts, strikes, war. Did others change? For most the answer is no. If yes, was it sustainable?
When the water flows toward love it is defined by openness, accountability, self-reflection and vulnerability, mutual respect, dignity and the proactive engagement of the other. Dangerous love gets the water flowing in the only direction that will actually give us lasting solutions to the actions that beset us.
Three values to make Dangerous Love actionable:
See people as people.
Turn first. Inside-outside transformation
Collaborative problem solving. Commit to find solutions that meet the needs of both of us.
“Reconciliation is the point where acknowledgement and forgiveness, justice and mercy, and security and peace meet. Reconciliation creates a space where the present can be reframed to encompass the pain of the past alongside the hope of the future.” -John Paul Lederach
Truth, mercy, justice and peace are major components of reconciliation
What if they won’t turn? What if they won’t join hands with me? Realize that others may struggle to pursue reconciliation with us. They may struggle to let go of justification and blame. They may not be able to acknowledge their wrongs. When we encounter others who are struggling in these ways, we can resist and say, “If they will not change, then neither will I.” So, we say, I am willing to change even if they aren’t ready to yet. The vulnerability we feel in such moments can be overwhelming, as if too much is at risk, too dangerous. Dangerous love helps us understand that a broken heart is an open heart and an open heart is the only way to live.
A paradox lives at the heart of reconciliation. When others are people to us, while we do all that we can to turn first and remove the obstacles that stand in the way of reconnection, we do not require or demand the same in return. We do not need an apology to offer our own. We do not need forgiveness only to forgive. We are willing to right our wrongs even if others are not willing to right theirs. Reconciliation is the miracle that reconnects us to others and makes us whole.
Do things for the sake of the relationship. Listen without an agenda. “What is it that I don’t understand?” When we are seeing people as objects we are quick to make assumptions about motives and character. When we see people as people we are curious why people think, feel, and act the way they do. The question “why” is a magic one. The more you ask why, the more understanding you’ll have and better you’ll be able to find a collaborative solution.
Conflict can be discouraging, but it also can give hope.
We can help with healing the world’s conflict by healing the conflict in our homes and families.
There is no big in peace. Just small. Peace is not made by treaties or by the judgements of laws, though they can help. Peace is made in every moment that I choose to see the truth instead of a lie. The moment I embrace your humanity and mine. While the process may end with nations and communities, it doesn’t start there.
“If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world.”
-Chinese Proverb
“It is by small and simple things that great things are brought to pass.”
Let go of your fear of conflict. Conflict doesn’t have to be smog, it can be a cocoon. Beauty can emerge from the most dangerous conflict. You will emerge from the conflict stronger and happier and a better partner, parent or coworker if you let go of the smog view. Let go of the fear of the person you are in conflict with. Avoiding, accommodating, and competing aren’t the only options available to you. People have an innate ability to collaboratively engage in problem solving when they see the humanity of the people they are in conflict with. Turn first. For dangerous love to work, you have to be the first to turn. You turn by first letting go of your fear of conflict and then letting go of your fear of others in the conflict, then you use truth, mercy, justice and peace to create the space to invite others to turn. Invite them to turn. It might take weeks, months, or years. Dangerous love is the most powerful invitation there is to invite reconciliation with the person we are in conflict with. Small and simple things. You can do this. Open your eyes and heart. Choose dangerous love. It may not change the world, but it will transform yours.
January 21, 2025
Summary: A book about transforming conflict in your personal and life, and society at large, to a process that can change you as a person, as well as how you view, approach, and resolve conflicts.
Review: Based on Arbinger Institute peace and conflict transformation principles, this is a book that approaches conflict resolution - if that is the right word - in a way that I have rarely heard about before. It's a book that I would recommend that everyone read, and a book that I will be returning to and re-reading again throughout my life.
The principles and applications that Ford talks about in this book is hard to apply - for any of us. After all, no one is perfect. It's easy to get caught in conflict patterns, both consciously or subconsciously, that perpetuate conflict - like expecting the other person to change or apologize first or justifying our actions. Yet we ALL experience conflict in relationships and interactions every day.
I think the ideas and principles presented in this book have the potential to change, on a societal level - but also, in people's daily lives - the way that we approach conflict and work together to resolve it. The hard thing is that people (including myself) are flawed creatures, and habits are hard to change. But even just considering the ideas presented in this book, and trying to improve oneself even just a little bit is worth it.
The hard thing about this book is that it is extremely abstract, though it does provide examples of applying the principles discussed in the book, and I believe it that abstraction makes the information provided in the book less accessible to the general public. That is the main reason I gave this book 4 stars, instead of a higher rating. Though I have a college degree, it was somewhat hard for me to wrap my mind around what was discussed. It's hard for me to explain what I have learned in reading this book to others, because there's a lot of lingo/specific language/labels that are in this book and it's hard to find other, more accessible language that is easier for others to understand.
It's going to be hard, because of human nature, cultural and societal influences, as well as the way I was raised, to apply what is taught in this book. (That isn't an excuse.) I know I will fail, and I'll try again. I think that is mostly the point of it all - trying. I would recommend this book to anyone who would like to learn a different approach to resolving conflict in personal and professional relationships, as well as at a societal level.
Review: Based on Arbinger Institute peace and conflict transformation principles, this is a book that approaches conflict resolution - if that is the right word - in a way that I have rarely heard about before. It's a book that I would recommend that everyone read, and a book that I will be returning to and re-reading again throughout my life.
The principles and applications that Ford talks about in this book is hard to apply - for any of us. After all, no one is perfect. It's easy to get caught in conflict patterns, both consciously or subconsciously, that perpetuate conflict - like expecting the other person to change or apologize first or justifying our actions. Yet we ALL experience conflict in relationships and interactions every day.
I think the ideas and principles presented in this book have the potential to change, on a societal level - but also, in people's daily lives - the way that we approach conflict and work together to resolve it. The hard thing is that people (including myself) are flawed creatures, and habits are hard to change. But even just considering the ideas presented in this book, and trying to improve oneself even just a little bit is worth it.
The hard thing about this book is that it is extremely abstract, though it does provide examples of applying the principles discussed in the book, and I believe it that abstraction makes the information provided in the book less accessible to the general public. That is the main reason I gave this book 4 stars, instead of a higher rating. Though I have a college degree, it was somewhat hard for me to wrap my mind around what was discussed. It's hard for me to explain what I have learned in reading this book to others, because there's a lot of lingo/specific language/labels that are in this book and it's hard to find other, more accessible language that is easier for others to understand.
It's going to be hard, because of human nature, cultural and societal influences, as well as the way I was raised, to apply what is taught in this book. (That isn't an excuse.) I know I will fail, and I'll try again. I think that is mostly the point of it all - trying. I would recommend this book to anyone who would like to learn a different approach to resolving conflict in personal and professional relationships, as well as at a societal level.
March 22, 2025
Anyone interested in resolving conflicts, developing personally, and building closer bonds with others will find "Dangerous Love" to be a worthwhile and entertaining book. Ford's writing is engaging and thought-provoking, inspiring readers to examine novel methods to conflict resolution and reflect on their own experiences with it. The book is both educational and motivational due to its combination of narrative and useful advice.
Some of the strengths I found while reading the book includes:
• Real-Life Examples: To make the book approachable and powerful, Ford illustrates important ideas with gripping tales from his experience as a mediator.
• Useful Advice: The book provides readers with doable conflict resolution techniques that they may implement in both their personal and professional life.
• Emotional Depth: Ford explores the emotional dimensions of conflict, assisting readers in comprehending the underlying emotions and driving forces behind arguments.
With many strengths, the book also had some weakness such as:
• Repetition: throughout the book you could see that he use the same concept to teach the reader which can seem very repetitive for some reader.
• Complicated Concepts: What made me read this book was my psychology class I was taking not too long ago. I was familiar with some concepts that I was learning and desired to look more into it and I found this book. While it provided me with good information, some ideas were harder for me to understand and would require you to do more research. And do lots of reflection to grasp the ideas.
One of the quotes that I really liked from the book is, "True reconciliation is not about forgetting the past, but about transforming it into a foundation for a better future." This emphasized the main message of the book by looking at conflicts as a way to grow and connect.
Some of the strengths I found while reading the book includes:
• Real-Life Examples: To make the book approachable and powerful, Ford illustrates important ideas with gripping tales from his experience as a mediator.
• Useful Advice: The book provides readers with doable conflict resolution techniques that they may implement in both their personal and professional life.
• Emotional Depth: Ford explores the emotional dimensions of conflict, assisting readers in comprehending the underlying emotions and driving forces behind arguments.
With many strengths, the book also had some weakness such as:
• Repetition: throughout the book you could see that he use the same concept to teach the reader which can seem very repetitive for some reader.
• Complicated Concepts: What made me read this book was my psychology class I was taking not too long ago. I was familiar with some concepts that I was learning and desired to look more into it and I found this book. While it provided me with good information, some ideas were harder for me to understand and would require you to do more research. And do lots of reflection to grasp the ideas.
One of the quotes that I really liked from the book is, "True reconciliation is not about forgetting the past, but about transforming it into a foundation for a better future." This emphasized the main message of the book by looking at conflicts as a way to grow and connect.
February 15, 2023
A three-star rating may come across as a little harsh and imply that I did not enjoy the book, but that's not really the case. The rating I gave it had more to do with the style than the message.
The overall idea of Dangerous Love is to encourage people to take the chance to trust in others without need or demand for reciprocation and by being willingly vulnerable, you show good faith in progress and understanding. It's a risky move, especially in a world where "Alphacon" is a thing. There is so much influence going towards assertion of power, dominance, and control, that the idea of caring about others, trusting them, and serving them, just because it is the right thing to do, seems like too much of a liability. The examples that Chad Ford gives of how this has worked in his own life and the lives of people with whom he has worked grants legitimacy, however, and encourages the reader to give it a try.
When I mentioned not really liking the style of the book, it was more the repetitiveness of the message of Dangerous Love. It felt like although the real-life examples were imperative to making the point and arguing the case for Dangerous Love, it did sometimes feel like that same point was being emphasized long after it was made.
I enjoyed the message of the book and I think it does encourage you to take a different look at your conflicts and contentions in your life and evaluate your approach to them. It encourages cooperation in healthy ways and not collusion, but more than anything in pushes you to "turn first" or seek peace, understanding, service, and compassion, without expectation that others will do the same and without demanding that they prove themselves worthy of it. I think the world could use a little bit more of that.
The overall idea of Dangerous Love is to encourage people to take the chance to trust in others without need or demand for reciprocation and by being willingly vulnerable, you show good faith in progress and understanding. It's a risky move, especially in a world where "Alphacon" is a thing. There is so much influence going towards assertion of power, dominance, and control, that the idea of caring about others, trusting them, and serving them, just because it is the right thing to do, seems like too much of a liability. The examples that Chad Ford gives of how this has worked in his own life and the lives of people with whom he has worked grants legitimacy, however, and encourages the reader to give it a try.
When I mentioned not really liking the style of the book, it was more the repetitiveness of the message of Dangerous Love. It felt like although the real-life examples were imperative to making the point and arguing the case for Dangerous Love, it did sometimes feel like that same point was being emphasized long after it was made.
I enjoyed the message of the book and I think it does encourage you to take a different look at your conflicts and contentions in your life and evaluate your approach to them. It encourages cooperation in healthy ways and not collusion, but more than anything in pushes you to "turn first" or seek peace, understanding, service, and compassion, without expectation that others will do the same and without demanding that they prove themselves worthy of it. I think the world could use a little bit more of that.
July 19, 2022
This book left me with extremely conflicted feelings. I think ultimately the land I have settled on is that the idea that Chad Ford presents about "Dangerous Love" is merely a lens. I do not think it is necessarily a bad lens or a good lens. It is simply a lens. Just one theory by which we can examine reality. Just like Marxism or realism or liberalism. Just a lens. Anyway, upon starting this book, I was pretty skeptical. He places so much emphasis on love and mercy and forgiveness and conflict being awesome that I thought it was a pretty idealistic way of viewing the world. However, I think that as he explains his points more thoroughly, the reader can see that these principles are more applicable and legit than upon first look. The idea of Dangerous Love isn't about responding in a "soft way" to conflict. One can respond with necessary force and justice and truth to conflict while still trying to be understanding to the nuances of a conflict. One can also respond in a soft and gentle way to conflict while still ultimately not seeing one's opponents in conflict as people and caring about them. I think the nature of this theory to prescribe a view of conflict but not a specific action that should be applied to a broad range of conflict makes this more legit. I do not agree with everything said and think that it is a LENS, and one should read this book with a healthy dose of skepticism and critical thinking. However, I think that it is still a useful view of conflict that has much to offer.
February 22, 2022
Wow, just wow! I have heard Chad interviewed numerous times on sports radio and then on several podcasts. I knew of this book, but it has been very difficult for me to read because my library decided it didn't want to bring it in for several months. Guess what? 100%, totally worth the wait!!!
This book fits into my life in so many aspects, regardless of whether it is being a father, brother, at work as a manager, as an employee, at church, life in general, etc. Learning to see people as people (thou's) and not as objects (its) is always a challenge at least for me, especially at work where keeping a schedule is critical to my success as a manager.
I have ready several books from The Arbinger Institute and "The Anatomy of Peace" was one of their best books I have ever read. Knowing that these two books went hand in hand was made clearer with every page. It was surprising how much fear I have in my life and I let it affect so many of my relationships. Hopefully not for the worse because I really do try to find the positive in all my interactions with others. However, I was reminded and reminded again how it really is my responsibility to turn first and to even wonder if someone else has turned and I'm blind to their olive branch.
This may very well be one of those reminder books that I need to read again to remember what I should be doing to be an even better person regardless of the place or position.
This book fits into my life in so many aspects, regardless of whether it is being a father, brother, at work as a manager, as an employee, at church, life in general, etc. Learning to see people as people (thou's) and not as objects (its) is always a challenge at least for me, especially at work where keeping a schedule is critical to my success as a manager.
I have ready several books from The Arbinger Institute and "The Anatomy of Peace" was one of their best books I have ever read. Knowing that these two books went hand in hand was made clearer with every page. It was surprising how much fear I have in my life and I let it affect so many of my relationships. Hopefully not for the worse because I really do try to find the positive in all my interactions with others. However, I was reminded and reminded again how it really is my responsibility to turn first and to even wonder if someone else has turned and I'm blind to their olive branch.
This may very well be one of those reminder books that I need to read again to remember what I should be doing to be an even better person regardless of the place or position.
January 15, 2021
I listened to a podcast interview with Mr. Ford and found his work and experiences with conflict transformation intriguing. His research and views are especially relevant in today's society.
If you loved "The Anatomy of Peace" (which I also highly recommend) then this is a wonderful companion book. While the TAOP is told as an allegory weaving conflict theories and practices throughout, this is more of a deeper explanation of the practical application using personal/professional (and often incredibly vulnerable) experiences of the author.
If I had any critiques, it would be these two:
1) I wish that the graphics were more professionally created and less "clip art-y"
2) Though he typically shared one story per principle/chapter, I wished for more "real application" stories and experiences.
Other than that, I highly recommend reading and re-reading this book. I'm a better person, citizen and family member for reading and incorporating it's principles in my relationships.
If you loved "The Anatomy of Peace" (which I also highly recommend) then this is a wonderful companion book. While the TAOP is told as an allegory weaving conflict theories and practices throughout, this is more of a deeper explanation of the practical application using personal/professional (and often incredibly vulnerable) experiences of the author.
If I had any critiques, it would be these two:
1) I wish that the graphics were more professionally created and less "clip art-y"
2) Though he typically shared one story per principle/chapter, I wished for more "real application" stories and experiences.
Other than that, I highly recommend reading and re-reading this book. I'm a better person, citizen and family member for reading and incorporating it's principles in my relationships.
February 8, 2022
If you like Anatomy of Peace, you will like this book. Principles taught are similar, but it focuses more one overcoming conflict in our every day life. It uses similar vocabulary, like Self-Deception, seeing others as people and not objects. I like his focus on not being afraid to face conflict, this is why he calls it "Dangerous Love." It reminds me of the famous quote from "Les Miserables", "To love another person is to see the face of God." This book puts that quote in perspective. It is not from any specific religion, he simply teaches true principles, that if applied and practiced, can bring us greater peace in our lives and greater happiness.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 23, 2022
Great book , Dangerous Love is basically another way of saying Christ like Love. It's loving those that are hard to love, it is listening, really listening to understand anothers point of view or perspective, it is putting judgment aside it is being vulnerable and seeing people as people not objects.
Dangerous Love is hard and it is uncomfortable at times, but relationships will be better for the courage to love dangerously.
He talks alot about his work as a peace negotiator ,which is really interesting.
Dangerous Love is hard and it is uncomfortable at times, but relationships will be better for the courage to love dangerously.
He talks alot about his work as a peace negotiator ,which is really interesting.
March 24, 2023
this book is life changing. i need to reread to relearn these lessons again, but i grew so much as a human when i read this book for the first time, and i started building incredibly helpful habits. i saw people as people, i recognized what a horrid objectified i was… don’t read this book if you’re not ready to realize some bad things about yourself, but bear in mind that it might just be the best thing you read
June 22, 2021
Thanks to Chad's wonderful mother, I was introduced to this book. I'm so glad she shared cause I can certainly use so many of these lessons in my life to become, most especially, a better mother, but also a better human being. I appreciated his personal examples and put in an easy to understand book. Thank you for writing this and sharing it with the world.
December 30, 2021
Read at my college freshman son's request, as he had to read for his Intercultural Peacebuilding class. He told me he thought everyone should have to read it, as it would make you a better partner, parent, employee, etc. He wasn't wrong. Good stuff. Fairly easy to understand, much harder to apply in real life.
February 18, 2022
Thank you for writing this book, Chad, and to the Arbinger Institute for supporting it. Arbinger has some great books that I've enjoyed, but I think Chad's approach to teaching the same type of principles is very useful to have alongside.
Very highly recommended to anyone interested in leadership, relationships, and hope for a better future.
Very highly recommended to anyone interested in leadership, relationships, and hope for a better future.
September 29, 2025
This book taught me what I need to do to help heal things in my own life, considering how fraught the world is with division right now. Letting go of my ego, seeing people not as “others” but as humans, is likely how I can help heal the divide in my own family and hopefully contribute to empathy and kindness in the world.
November 25, 2020
"Open your eyes and heart to the people in your life you cannot or will not see. Choose dangerous love over fear. It might not change the world. But it will change yours."
This book is so good! I couldn't put it down. Such a powerful message that is needed more and more at this time.
This book is so good! I couldn't put it down. Such a powerful message that is needed more and more at this time.
December 14, 2020
EVERYONE needs to read this book. It is especially helpful if you read and apply it’s concepts while in conflict with someone. It helped me to see/understand what true Christianity means (loving people the way Christ does). Amazing book!!!
January 25, 2021
You cannot change the outer mindset without first changing your inner mindset. Conflict transformation and reconciliation work is fundamentally about seeing people as people and not as objects. A great primer for Arbinger Institute principles and frameworks.
January 21, 2022
I’ve also read the Anatomy of Peace, which Chad references. If I had to choose one or the other, definitely would choose this. Anatomy was my favorite book I’ve read, this replaces it. Everybody should read this.
November 21, 2023
I thought this was a good book, especially for navigating conflict. I loved the stories told, and how the book seemed to keep me engaged. I rarely found myself spacing out while reading it.
I would definitely recommend it for anyone who struggles with dealing with conflict.
I would definitely recommend it for anyone who struggles with dealing with conflict.
March 5, 2024
I felt like the material presented is either for people who are chronically difficult or if this is just meant to be very basic. Either way, most of the information presented was common sense, "golden rule" behavior.
April 13, 2024
HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone. Especially those interested in conflict transformation.
It covers ideas we've heard before, but dives more in depth into empathy, loving your enemy, and the power of understanding others. Very good.
It covers ideas we've heard before, but dives more in depth into empathy, loving your enemy, and the power of understanding others. Very good.
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