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You Can't Fly With That!: Confessions of a Disgruntling Airport Security Officer
Ever wanted to know the craziest things seen and done by the TSA? Our anonymous host breaks the silence to tell all about what he’s seen at the security post of a major international airport. Whether he’s facilitating pornstars getting apprehended for brass knuckles, drinking Four Penis Wine then pointing at his erection in front of NHL legend Patrick Roy, or watching a redneck passenger rummage through a decapitated wolf head to find a lost bullet then recounting the story on local radio, the author has a knack for finding humour in the more twisted regions of airport employment. You Can’t Fly With That!: Confessions of a Disgruntling Screening Officer, is the hilarious comedic account from someone you may want to avoid the next time you decide to be a dick at the airport.
- GenresHumor
257 pages, Paperback
Published September 19, 2019
130 people are currently reading
63 people want to read
About the author
Anonymous .
1 book1 followerAnonymous worked as an Airport Security Officer in a major international airport. You Can't Fly With That! is his tell-all memoir about his experiences with passengers and coworkers, many of which he made funny by being a complete degenerate, trouble maker.
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
April 22, 2020
I can't, I just can't slog through anymore of this drivel. I can understand why the author(?) wants to remain anonymous! He tries too hard to make every sentence a joke and fails miserably. Full of juvenile talk of sex, drugs, and booze. Best suited for a 12-yr old fart joke mentality.
January 28, 2020
In the spirit of Walmart photos of random gross people, this book is hilarious and I believe if it were not so true, it would not be as funny. People are crazy and getting crazier by the moment and if we cannot laugh at them, then we might feel like we are lost in this nutty world. A fun read!
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
March 16, 2020
Did not finish- Just could not get into this one..
June 13, 2020
This book was a struggle to complete. The book is more about the disgruntled Airport Security Officer's attempted sexual conquests and drunken debauchery, than it is about working in Airport Security. While the title implies that the book will be about the odd things people try to carry on their flights, there is very little of that included. This book appears to be written for an audience of 13 year old boys who want to read stories about how rude and depraved some men can be at their jobs without being fired.
January 23, 2020
Boring – Humorless – Off Color
I only could stomach about 20% of this book. I read the first 15% and bounced forward to see if it got any better. It did not. It is probably written for a middle-school boy. It is dumb 'humor' consisting of sex, drugs and juvenile ways to escape boredom. I guess that it is a good thing that the writer chose to remain anonymous. I received this ARC book for free from Booksprouts and this is my honest review.
I only could stomach about 20% of this book. I read the first 15% and bounced forward to see if it got any better. It did not. It is probably written for a middle-school boy. It is dumb 'humor' consisting of sex, drugs and juvenile ways to escape boredom. I guess that it is a good thing that the writer chose to remain anonymous. I received this ARC book for free from Booksprouts and this is my honest review.
March 25, 2021
When the opportunity to see “the craziest things seen and done by the TSA” was offered me, I jumped at it.
I ran across You Can’t Fly With That: Confessions of a Disgruntling Airport Security Officer on Freebooksy, and I downloaded immediately. (Not a subscriber to Freebooksy? You should be. The website broadcasts free books daily.)
Many (but not all) of Freebooksy’s offerings are self-published, and sometimes it shows in the works with scant editing and typos. This is true of You Can’t Fly With That, too, but I can’t say it interfered with my enjoyment of the book. At first glance, you might think the title has a typo. Doesn’t the author mean “disgruntled” instead of “disgruntling”? Maybe; he certainly is as much a fan of the TSA as I am. But he also makes a case for being a pain in the tush for passengers and his supervisors, so maybe he does mean he’s “disgruntling,” that is, to make ill-humored or discontented. He’s admits to enough goofing off and lying about his absences that he writes under the pseudonym of “Anonymous”; Big Brother is watching, you know.
I maintain the TSA is all flash and no substance, a government program designed to help scared, infrequent air travelers sleep better at night. It’s a ridiculous and expensive show paid for by taxpayer money in airports across the country every day that does nothing whatsoever to prevent someone who is willing to die for his cause to blow up a plane.
My evidence, other than being a frequent flyer for several years in the mid 2000s? I was once considered such a security risk, I shut down an airport once. Yup, dangerous little anarchistic me. Shortly after 9/11, the crack TSA team at the tiny Central Minnesota airport where I was attempting to board a—gasp!—international flight detected a “bomb-making substance” on my laptop. The bright bulbs at the airport let me—the presumed bomb maker—board the plane, and the plane jetted off. They then shut down the airport and called in the bomb squad only find my keyboard had been smeared with—gasp!—glycerin-based hand lotion.
Reading You Can’t Fly With That does nothing to disavow me of my, ahem, high esteem for the TSA. Anonymous Author has penned a vulgar screed describing all kinds of hijinks of passengers, co-workers and himself. Here are a few lines from Anonymous Author’s work as evidence:
>“The countdown to my freedom has begun you pecker-heads,” I manically spat through evil laughter while hovering over my dejected phone elves. “Soon, I’ll be kicking terrorist in the dicks and buying discounted airport merchandise. Enjoy unscrewing phones, suckas.”
>For the next thirty minutes, we stood at the metal detector chatting and sending geologically-tarded passengers back to remove metal. … I mean delayed, or slow, retarded as, so yes, it’s okay.
At least Anonymous Author is self-deprecating: “I am, I repeat, I am, a jackass. Just one who’s actually a nice guy. A lot of my jackassery is used for public service.”
This work not literary brilliance by any means and there is no discernable plot other than a number of loosely connected anecdotes of stupidity, but I kept reading because Anonymous is occasionally clever:
>"[I am a] Screening Officer; or, unofficially, ‘Taker of Water from the Elderly’"
>"I wouldn’t hack it as one of Ashton Kutcher’s less famous lackeys on ‘Punked’, I’d crack mid-prank and ruin it all, similar to what Ashton’s done with his career choices."
>"Like women at an abortion clinic, I wasn’t having it."
I will refrain from using “bomb” in association with his book since I would like to pass through security next time I’m at the airport without a gloved-hand screening. Like at the airport, proceed at your own risk.
I ran across You Can’t Fly With That: Confessions of a Disgruntling Airport Security Officer on Freebooksy, and I downloaded immediately. (Not a subscriber to Freebooksy? You should be. The website broadcasts free books daily.)
Many (but not all) of Freebooksy’s offerings are self-published, and sometimes it shows in the works with scant editing and typos. This is true of You Can’t Fly With That, too, but I can’t say it interfered with my enjoyment of the book. At first glance, you might think the title has a typo. Doesn’t the author mean “disgruntled” instead of “disgruntling”? Maybe; he certainly is as much a fan of the TSA as I am. But he also makes a case for being a pain in the tush for passengers and his supervisors, so maybe he does mean he’s “disgruntling,” that is, to make ill-humored or discontented. He’s admits to enough goofing off and lying about his absences that he writes under the pseudonym of “Anonymous”; Big Brother is watching, you know.
I maintain the TSA is all flash and no substance, a government program designed to help scared, infrequent air travelers sleep better at night. It’s a ridiculous and expensive show paid for by taxpayer money in airports across the country every day that does nothing whatsoever to prevent someone who is willing to die for his cause to blow up a plane.
My evidence, other than being a frequent flyer for several years in the mid 2000s? I was once considered such a security risk, I shut down an airport once. Yup, dangerous little anarchistic me. Shortly after 9/11, the crack TSA team at the tiny Central Minnesota airport where I was attempting to board a—gasp!—international flight detected a “bomb-making substance” on my laptop. The bright bulbs at the airport let me—the presumed bomb maker—board the plane, and the plane jetted off. They then shut down the airport and called in the bomb squad only find my keyboard had been smeared with—gasp!—glycerin-based hand lotion.
Reading You Can’t Fly With That does nothing to disavow me of my, ahem, high esteem for the TSA. Anonymous Author has penned a vulgar screed describing all kinds of hijinks of passengers, co-workers and himself. Here are a few lines from Anonymous Author’s work as evidence:
>“The countdown to my freedom has begun you pecker-heads,” I manically spat through evil laughter while hovering over my dejected phone elves. “Soon, I’ll be kicking terrorist in the dicks and buying discounted airport merchandise. Enjoy unscrewing phones, suckas.”
>For the next thirty minutes, we stood at the metal detector chatting and sending geologically-tarded passengers back to remove metal. … I mean delayed, or slow, retarded as, so yes, it’s okay.
At least Anonymous Author is self-deprecating: “I am, I repeat, I am, a jackass. Just one who’s actually a nice guy. A lot of my jackassery is used for public service.”
This work not literary brilliance by any means and there is no discernable plot other than a number of loosely connected anecdotes of stupidity, but I kept reading because Anonymous is occasionally clever:
>"[I am a] Screening Officer; or, unofficially, ‘Taker of Water from the Elderly’"
>"I wouldn’t hack it as one of Ashton Kutcher’s less famous lackeys on ‘Punked’, I’d crack mid-prank and ruin it all, similar to what Ashton’s done with his career choices."
>"Like women at an abortion clinic, I wasn’t having it."
I will refrain from using “bomb” in association with his book since I would like to pass through security next time I’m at the airport without a gloved-hand screening. Like at the airport, proceed at your own risk.
August 4, 2020
I really wanted to like this book. I wasn't expecting a masterpiece, but I wanted to at least be funny. Surely there had to be some funny moments in a book about working airport security -- every job must have its funny moments. And the bad reviews on both Amazon and Goodreads just made me determined to find something positive to say about this book. Sadly, there's very little positive to say about THIS book. And while it had its funny moments, those moments were largely outweighed by the negatives.
The author -- who remains anonymous and occasionally refers to himself as Anonymous Author in this book -- seems to want to prove to people that he's a cool and intelligent dude who has to put up with insufferable idiots all day. I admit, anyone who works with the public in any way generally has to put up with their share of idiots... but the author doesn't help his case by being deliberately rude, unhelpful, and disgusting. He lards the book with pointless tangents about his parties and sexual conquests, paints his co-workers as jerks and/or buffoons and/or eye candy, and makes himself out to be the only sane/intelligent person in the entire airport. And of course, three-quarters of the jokes revolve around sex, bathroom humor, and/or pointless and dated pop culture references. And worse, few of them are worth a chuckle, let alone a laugh.
I sincerely doubt most of the stories in this book actually happened -- if they had, I hope he would have been fired from his job long ago. And honestly, a little exaggeration is okay for humor's sake, but this feels less like exaggeration and more like making stuff up out of whole cloth. And little of it is even funny, or even has much to do with airport security.
If you pick this up expecting an entertaining read about the crazy stuff a TSA agent encounters on the job... well, you're going to end up with a boatload of sex and potty humor, an ego the size of a planet, and a slew of anecdotes that aren't even amusing, let alone funny. Don't be fooled by the freebie price tag - skip it.
The author -- who remains anonymous and occasionally refers to himself as Anonymous Author in this book -- seems to want to prove to people that he's a cool and intelligent dude who has to put up with insufferable idiots all day. I admit, anyone who works with the public in any way generally has to put up with their share of idiots... but the author doesn't help his case by being deliberately rude, unhelpful, and disgusting. He lards the book with pointless tangents about his parties and sexual conquests, paints his co-workers as jerks and/or buffoons and/or eye candy, and makes himself out to be the only sane/intelligent person in the entire airport. And of course, three-quarters of the jokes revolve around sex, bathroom humor, and/or pointless and dated pop culture references. And worse, few of them are worth a chuckle, let alone a laugh.
I sincerely doubt most of the stories in this book actually happened -- if they had, I hope he would have been fired from his job long ago. And honestly, a little exaggeration is okay for humor's sake, but this feels less like exaggeration and more like making stuff up out of whole cloth. And little of it is even funny, or even has much to do with airport security.
If you pick this up expecting an entertaining read about the crazy stuff a TSA agent encounters on the job... well, you're going to end up with a boatload of sex and potty humor, an ego the size of a planet, and a slew of anecdotes that aren't even amusing, let alone funny. Don't be fooled by the freebie price tag - skip it.
June 24, 2020
Full of himself
This book should be used as a manual about what NOT to do in customer service. I also highly doubt that all happened as described. The author should have been fired numerous times based on all he supposedly did/said. Fanning the fires of an already upset customer and being proud of it is the majority of this book. If that’s your thing, you will love this book. If you, however, wanted a book about odd things found in luggage, you only get a few examples, most of them, giggle giggle nudge nudge, intimate related, and even then, the author uses it as an example of his crassness.
This book should be used as a manual about what NOT to do in customer service. I also highly doubt that all happened as described. The author should have been fired numerous times based on all he supposedly did/said. Fanning the fires of an already upset customer and being proud of it is the majority of this book. If that’s your thing, you will love this book. If you, however, wanted a book about odd things found in luggage, you only get a few examples, most of them, giggle giggle nudge nudge, intimate related, and even then, the author uses it as an example of his crassness.
February 19, 2020
Getting a glimpse of life on the other side of the metal detectors was humourous and somewhat surprising. The author shares their own story throughout too which allows the reader to get to know the author. This didn’t appeal to me so much which is why I gave it 3 stars. The narrative wasn’t always easy to follow. I imagine this would be fantastic as an audible book.
Thank you to Voracious Readers Only for the complimentary copy.
Thank you to Voracious Readers Only for the complimentary copy.
May 2, 2021
Appears to be written by a juvenile frat boy with no sense of even mediocre manners. Men like this exist are often referred to as greasy, slimy, slick, arrogant, and assholes. Honestly, if I highly doubt this joker actually did work in airport security and most likely was rejected and wrote this book as revenge to make airport security people look bad. This guy is a jerk.
February 28, 2020
This book is heavy on the sarcasm, lots of sexual references with an in your face approach. If you are easily offended then read with caution (but still read). It’s worth the read, easy entertainment, that will make you laugh.
August 25, 2020
Entertaining and enlightening
I don't travel but air but I still enjoyed reading through the book. Most of the stories are humorous and told in a way that any one see the world of airport decjrit
I don't travel but air but I still enjoyed reading through the book. Most of the stories are humorous and told in a way that any one see the world of airport decjrit
April 2, 2020
Did not finish reading this garbage! It is filled with filth, vulgar and dispicable language. This piece of garbage should be in the burning barrel!
July 5, 2020
Interesting
Funny stories that go on at the airport and some things that people try to carry on the plane. How TSA Alexa screw with people
Funny stories that go on at the airport and some things that people try to carry on the plane. How TSA Alexa screw with people
July 23, 2020
I found this book somewhat disappointing. Some parts were interesting, some parts weren't. I don't know what airport he works at, but I hope I never go there.
August 4, 2020
This book is probably one of the funniest books I have ever read! It will have you laughing out loud into the late hours of the night - just couldn't put it down. A must read.
November 12, 2020
Pure gold.
Nothing less.
I didn't laugh like this while reading a book in ages. This was the book I needed without knowing it.
Thank you for the tears and the good laugh.
Nothing less.
I didn't laugh like this while reading a book in ages. This was the book I needed without knowing it.
Thank you for the tears and the good laugh.
November 12, 2020
I made it to page 15 and couldn't take it anymore. It's juvenile, insensitive, and not funny.
March 13, 2022
Couldn't get past the complaints about the job. Was hoping for something humorous.
January 22, 2020
Witty entertaining read about working at an airport. I received a free copy of this book. This review was posted voluntarily.
October 30, 2019
So funny! The short chapters, filled with the authors hilarious take on his job working at the airport, flew by. I got through this gem in a few days.
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews