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When Loving Him is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing With Narcissism and Emotional Abuse
It's Okay to Have Needs of Your Own
You fell in love with him. But over time you've come to realize he's in love with himself—and you feel trapped. His needs, his problems, and his plans always seem to take precedence over yours.
Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, offers a guide to help you identify signs of narcissism, understand how your loved one's issues are affecting you, and prepare a biblical game plan for freeing yourself to live courageously in light of God's love.
Whether the man in your life can be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), exhibits narcissistic traits and emotionally abusive behavior, or has arrogant and self-centered tendencies, the emotional pain he causes you is very real. Discover the truths, wisdom, and grace you need to spark change in your relationship, set boundaries, and experience healing.
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First published September 26, 2017
346 people are currently reading
694 people want to read
About the author
David Hawkins
37 books26 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author by this name in the Goodreads database.
The Relationship Doctor
Dr. David Hawkins is a Christian Clinical Psychologist who is a speaker for the American Association of Christian Counselors and has been writing an Advice Column for Crosswalk.com and CBN.org for several years and is now writing for Believe.com. He is a weekly guest on Moody Radio and Faith Radio and is the author of over thirty books. He is happily married to Christie, an Interior Designer, and lives on Bainbridge Island, outside Seattle.
The Relationship Doctor
Dr. David Hawkins is a Christian Clinical Psychologist who is a speaker for the American Association of Christian Counselors and has been writing an Advice Column for Crosswalk.com and CBN.org for several years and is now writing for Believe.com. He is a weekly guest on Moody Radio and Faith Radio and is the author of over thirty books. He is happily married to Christie, an Interior Designer, and lives on Bainbridge Island, outside Seattle.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 42 reviews
June 25, 2018
OMG BEST EVER I TOTALLY GET SO MUCH RIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE! This is what I’ve been looking for, or I mean validation for my whole life! Seriously will read again & again! This author has also written Letting Go, Power vs Force (Very interesting info btw) and I should also say in the travels of my journey David Hawkins literally quotes from every decent book I’ve read on emo abuse...from Lundy Brancroft to Henry Cloud & so much! Just Wow! We need an intervention for the whole world and I need to not stand by anymore and not let it happen, build boundaries, build myself... step in when I see someone being abused because none of us deserve nor should anyone tolerate it.
August 20, 2018
This book has already changed my life!
I have finally felt heard.....for the first time in my life I have hope that I can regain myself and truly be happy!
I have finally felt heard.....for the first time in my life I have hope that I can regain myself and truly be happy!
October 7, 2017
A groundbreaking book for Christians in troubled marriages where emotional abuse.
This title is broken into distinct sections. First, you are brought up to speed on what narcissism is (and isn't.) Then you learn more about emotional abuse within the marital relationship. Then, you are walked through a process of healing.
This title covers plenty of good information, including examples from his clients over the years. If I could subtract a half star, I would only because I found myself thinking I would want just a little more. However, I could see how this book is meant to be more for an 'a-ha' moment which then spurs the long-suffering wife to seek professional help from a counselor who respects the Christian faith AND understands the nuances of narcissists/ emotional abusers.
Aside from a woman who suspects this is the root cause of trouble in her marriage, I'd highly encourage anyone working in ministry to consider reading. As the author mentions, many people do not understand emotional abuse and often question if it really exists since there is not the same definitive sign left by physical abuse.
This title is broken into distinct sections. First, you are brought up to speed on what narcissism is (and isn't.) Then you learn more about emotional abuse within the marital relationship. Then, you are walked through a process of healing.
This title covers plenty of good information, including examples from his clients over the years. If I could subtract a half star, I would only because I found myself thinking I would want just a little more. However, I could see how this book is meant to be more for an 'a-ha' moment which then spurs the long-suffering wife to seek professional help from a counselor who respects the Christian faith AND understands the nuances of narcissists/ emotional abusers.
Aside from a woman who suspects this is the root cause of trouble in her marriage, I'd highly encourage anyone working in ministry to consider reading. As the author mentions, many people do not understand emotional abuse and often question if it really exists since there is not the same definitive sign left by physical abuse.
July 12, 2022
Just finish 50% of it, too boring for me.
وببساطة كده ال narcissistic men دول أطفال متسلط
Which I already knew so no point of reading a book that tells me what I already know...
وببساطة كده ال narcissistic men دول أطفال متسلط
Which I already knew so no point of reading a book that tells me what I already know...
September 22, 2017
I recommended this book for women who are in a relationship with a narcissist man. And even if you don't it helps to prevent us to be in a relationship with them. A narcissist or NPD men tend to be very attractive at the first time, but when you start to live with them, you will realize they are actually a boy trapped in a man body.
This book helps us to recognize the traits and the characteristic of a NPD man and how to handle them. Very well written and helpful.
This book helps us to recognize the traits and the characteristic of a NPD man and how to handle them. Very well written and helpful.
September 2, 2025
Offers practical tools and emotional clarity for those dealing with narcissistic or controlling partners. A valuable read.
July 28, 2021
Recommended instead: Why Does He Do That- Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. (When Loving Him is Hurting You actually refers to this book???)
Christian "counsellor" offers victims some [secondary abuse] suggestions like 1. being more forgiving, 2. Changing yourself to change how others treat you, 3. Framing our cultural's misogyny, defense of abusers and abuse of victims and the gaslighting by their abusers, as "lies women in abusive relationships *believe*" feels like its a hair away from victim blaming, and its tone is definitely gaslighting women about misogyny. 4. Maybe he's abusive and doesnt respect you because you havent verbally requested respect "clearly". 5 Encouraging victims in abusive relationships to "try harder" and doesnt mention that abuse only occurs under a pervasive value system that is unlikwly to ever change. 6 States that misogny's only role in all of this (worth mentioning) is that "some churches protect men who are abusive because of bro-culture". The thing theyre doing is not "protecting" because the abuser is not under attack. This is abuse and suggesting that the motivations are "protective" is gaslighting
If your literal job is counselling abuse victims you better sort this shit out. Echoing the abuser is the opposite of doing your job.
Christian "counsellor" offers victims some [secondary abuse] suggestions like 1. being more forgiving, 2. Changing yourself to change how others treat you, 3. Framing our cultural's misogyny, defense of abusers and abuse of victims and the gaslighting by their abusers, as "lies women in abusive relationships *believe*" feels like its a hair away from victim blaming, and its tone is definitely gaslighting women about misogyny. 4. Maybe he's abusive and doesnt respect you because you havent verbally requested respect "clearly". 5 Encouraging victims in abusive relationships to "try harder" and doesnt mention that abuse only occurs under a pervasive value system that is unlikwly to ever change. 6 States that misogny's only role in all of this (worth mentioning) is that "some churches protect men who are abusive because of bro-culture". The thing theyre doing is not "protecting" because the abuser is not under attack. This is abuse and suggesting that the motivations are "protective" is gaslighting
If your literal job is counselling abuse victims you better sort this shit out. Echoing the abuser is the opposite of doing your job.
August 10, 2024
Sometimes I can't help giving a book 5 stars to reflect how much I hope it reaches the person who needs it most when they need it most. Definitely a needed voice to the audience he's speaking to in particular. Part of me is left wishing Christians might read this just to understand that there are reasons aside from infidelity that can cause irreparable damage to a person/marriage.
August 14, 2021
Too many biblical references for my taste. Otherwise, good examples.
April 1, 2025
Excellent resource for women in emotionally abusive marriages.
July 13, 2024
As someone who does not follow religion, i was hesitant to read this because i have seen how religion can sometimes push people to stay in relationships that are unhealthy. You often hear abused women being told by their church to pray for their spouses, and that isn't helpful to the victim of the abuse.
This book was in no way like that, and it was refreshing. Emotional and narcissistic abuse are not something talked about as much as they should be, and Dr. Hawkins makes it a point to let you know your emotions are valid. He offers insight on how to take control of your life and set boundaries while also stating that the church, in fact, does not handle these situations in a good way.
So even if you are not a church goer like myself, this book is very helpful in showing you how to recognize the abuse and how to reclaim your life and strength.
This book was in no way like that, and it was refreshing. Emotional and narcissistic abuse are not something talked about as much as they should be, and Dr. Hawkins makes it a point to let you know your emotions are valid. He offers insight on how to take control of your life and set boundaries while also stating that the church, in fact, does not handle these situations in a good way.
So even if you are not a church goer like myself, this book is very helpful in showing you how to recognize the abuse and how to reclaim your life and strength.
June 10, 2018
Excellent Book!
When Loving Him Is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing With Narcissism and Emotional Abuse has helped me so much to understand about Narcissism and Emotional Abuse from a Christian therapist. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is going through abuse and as a hope to others.
When Loving Him Is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing With Narcissism and Emotional Abuse has helped me so much to understand about Narcissism and Emotional Abuse from a Christian therapist. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is going through abuse and as a hope to others.
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April 2, 2025Book Review: When Loving Him is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing With Narcissism and Emotional Abuse by David Hawkins
Overview
David Hawkins’ When Loving Him is Hurting You serves as a vital resource for women grappling with the complexities of narcissistic partners and the emotional abuse that can arise in such relationships. With a compassionate tone and practical guidance, Hawkins sheds light on the often-overlooked experiences of those suffering in silence, offering hope and concrete steps toward healing.
Content Summary
The book is structured to provide both insight and actionable advice, making it a comprehensive guide for readers. Hawkins draws on his expertise in psychology and personal anecdotes to illustrate the characteristics of narcissistic behavior and its impact on relationships. Key elements include:
Understanding Narcissism: Hawkins begins by defining narcissism and explaining how it manifests in relationships. He highlights the tactics used by narcissistic individuals, such as manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional withdrawal, helping readers recognize these behaviors in their own lives.
The Cycle of Abuse: The author outlines the cycle of emotional abuse, emphasizing how love and pain can become intertwined. Hawkins discusses the confusion and self-doubt that can ensue, making it difficult for victims to leave the relationship.
Empowerment and Healing: A significant portion of the book focuses on empowerment. Hawkins encourages women to reclaim their sense of self-worth and provides practical strategies for setting boundaries and asserting their needs. He offers exercises designed to foster self-reflection and personal growth.
Support Systems: Recognizing the importance of community, Hawkins discusses the value of seeking support from friends, family, or professional counselors. He underscores that recovery is a journey best undertaken with the help of others, advocating for women to connect with those who understand their experiences.
Personal Stories: Throughout the book, Hawkins includes relatable stories from women who have faced similar challenges. These narratives serve not only to validate the readers’ experiences but also to illustrate the journey from pain to empowerment.
Writing Style
Hawkins’ writing is clear, empathetic, and engaging. He balances psychological insight with a conversational tone, making the material accessible to a wide audience. The structure of the book allows readers to easily follow along, and the inclusion of actionable steps enhances its practical value.
Conclusion
When Loving Him is Hurting You is an essential read for women navigating the complexities of narcissistic relationships and emotional abuse. David Hawkins offers a powerful combination of understanding, validation, and empowerment that can help readers reclaim their voices and sense of self. This book is not just a guide; it is a beacon of hope for those seeking to break free from cycles of hurt and find healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you are currently in a difficult relationship or are reflecting on past experiences, Hawkins’ insights can provide the support and guidance needed for healing and recovery.
Overview
David Hawkins’ When Loving Him is Hurting You serves as a vital resource for women grappling with the complexities of narcissistic partners and the emotional abuse that can arise in such relationships. With a compassionate tone and practical guidance, Hawkins sheds light on the often-overlooked experiences of those suffering in silence, offering hope and concrete steps toward healing.
Content Summary
The book is structured to provide both insight and actionable advice, making it a comprehensive guide for readers. Hawkins draws on his expertise in psychology and personal anecdotes to illustrate the characteristics of narcissistic behavior and its impact on relationships. Key elements include:
Understanding Narcissism: Hawkins begins by defining narcissism and explaining how it manifests in relationships. He highlights the tactics used by narcissistic individuals, such as manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional withdrawal, helping readers recognize these behaviors in their own lives.
The Cycle of Abuse: The author outlines the cycle of emotional abuse, emphasizing how love and pain can become intertwined. Hawkins discusses the confusion and self-doubt that can ensue, making it difficult for victims to leave the relationship.
Empowerment and Healing: A significant portion of the book focuses on empowerment. Hawkins encourages women to reclaim their sense of self-worth and provides practical strategies for setting boundaries and asserting their needs. He offers exercises designed to foster self-reflection and personal growth.
Support Systems: Recognizing the importance of community, Hawkins discusses the value of seeking support from friends, family, or professional counselors. He underscores that recovery is a journey best undertaken with the help of others, advocating for women to connect with those who understand their experiences.
Personal Stories: Throughout the book, Hawkins includes relatable stories from women who have faced similar challenges. These narratives serve not only to validate the readers’ experiences but also to illustrate the journey from pain to empowerment.
Writing Style
Hawkins’ writing is clear, empathetic, and engaging. He balances psychological insight with a conversational tone, making the material accessible to a wide audience. The structure of the book allows readers to easily follow along, and the inclusion of actionable steps enhances its practical value.
Conclusion
When Loving Him is Hurting You is an essential read for women navigating the complexities of narcissistic relationships and emotional abuse. David Hawkins offers a powerful combination of understanding, validation, and empowerment that can help readers reclaim their voices and sense of self. This book is not just a guide; it is a beacon of hope for those seeking to break free from cycles of hurt and find healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you are currently in a difficult relationship or are reflecting on past experiences, Hawkins’ insights can provide the support and guidance needed for healing and recovery.
August 21, 2023
EVERY WORD MUST BE TAKEN IN
I am thankful for this book and for Dr. Hawkins. So much wisdom and faith, it is very empowering and inspiring. Next step, is to move forward and take some action. It is a challenging road, scary even, but we are not alone. Some have gone before us, alot are going through the same like us. There is hope, God gives us hope and strength, through God Dr. Hawkins also gives us hope and strength. The book gives practical and systematic guides to approach different situations. It is important that we love ourselves and know full well our values and boundaries. CHANGE is necessary, even if it is painful, beauty and freedom can come out of it in the end. I cannot express everything in writing, just really grateful for this book as one of the steps I can use for moving on, learning from my experiences and coming out more loving to myself and to others. To read this once is not enough. I encourage all women AND men to read this.
I am thankful for this book and for Dr. Hawkins. So much wisdom and faith, it is very empowering and inspiring. Next step, is to move forward and take some action. It is a challenging road, scary even, but we are not alone. Some have gone before us, alot are going through the same like us. There is hope, God gives us hope and strength, through God Dr. Hawkins also gives us hope and strength. The book gives practical and systematic guides to approach different situations. It is important that we love ourselves and know full well our values and boundaries. CHANGE is necessary, even if it is painful, beauty and freedom can come out of it in the end. I cannot express everything in writing, just really grateful for this book as one of the steps I can use for moving on, learning from my experiences and coming out more loving to myself and to others. To read this once is not enough. I encourage all women AND men to read this.
November 17, 2020
I ordered this book on Amazon to try and understand more what I have already known for quite some time. I have battled so many confused feelings, and often I feel like I am in a revolving circle that I just cannot find my way out of. Page after page was an eye opener for me, so many things stood out and touched my heart and made me feel like I was not crazy, and I was not alone. David tells stories of women who have struggled through relationships with narcissists, sometimes losing themselves in the process of trying to find him. I would highly recommend this book for any woman who is struggling to love someone who in moments...seems unlovable. There is healing in understanding.
February 22, 2023
3.5 stars - I think so important to have resources for spouses vulnerable to harm in relationships and I especially found the sections on boundary setting helpful and applicable to a variety of relationships. Still - I’m getting more out of Boundaries in Marriage, largely because it emphasizes boundary-ing yourself, as an outpouring of self-control, instead of an attempt of other-control. I think this book backs that principle up, but has a narrower - but important - audience. That being said, I’d lightly recommend to anyone who is in a more emotionally damaging relationship, as a starting point, if nothing else.
September 20, 2018
Very dry. The tone of the book did not match my recall of the events of abuse. I felt hurt and emotional, appalled at the actions of my partner. I was devastated and very depressed convinced of my own inadequacy. This book, on the other hand, portrays a mild discontent with society for accepting emotional abuse as part of the norm. Perhaps this book is worth reading, and being rooted in Christian concepts, it makes sense that passions are dulled in this writing. It also made it difficult to get to the end.
February 28, 2025
I was embarrassed at first to share about this but I think it's more important to share for others who may not know where to start. I was in that place months ago, frantic for answers. This book is good for anyone in a close relationship with a narcissist and/or emotional abuser. This book maps out how to find your voice, set boundaries, and change yourself in a positive way. The Christian elements are not overpowering/preachy and easy to skip if that's not your thing. I found this book extremely helpful.
May 9, 2021
I didn't realize this was written by a Christian author who speaks of god, jesus & church way to much for my liking. Not what I was expecting or hoping for.
Honestly I was bored most of the time. I almost quit listening to the audiobook a couple times but decided to finish.
I do NOT recommend. I didn't find it helpful or inspiring. There were a couple of stories that somewhat spoke to me and I got a tiny bit of take-away moments. But the writing is kinda annoying.
Honestly I was bored most of the time. I almost quit listening to the audiobook a couple times but decided to finish.
I do NOT recommend. I didn't find it helpful or inspiring. There were a couple of stories that somewhat spoke to me and I got a tiny bit of take-away moments. But the writing is kinda annoying.
July 4, 2025
I cannot recommend this book enough. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, and Narcissistic Victim Syndrome from abuse I received in a previous marriage. This book has been on my reading list for quite some time, as I work on healing so I don’t poison my current marriage with ghosts from the past. The author does an amazing job of validating what we’ve been through and offers avenues to help you navigate the healing process.
October 22, 2018
I have mixed emotions with this book. There are parts that I totally agree with and feel like would help any woman. I know this is a faith based book but if I were a woman needing help with this I would not want to hear so much about church. Especially if i felt done wrong by them before. I do not feel like enough other support options were explored.
October 13, 2023
Very well written book as there are a few things to be distinguished. As this is not the first book of this kind I read, I did find it a bit too vanilla. Not many new things I personally heard, but it is all really well explained for those who are just starting to explore this topic.
Many Biblical quotes.
Many Biblical quotes.
September 12, 2018
This book helps women find themselves! This book could bring healing and peace to many women dealing with emotional abuse. Often they don’t even recognize what is happening to them. Women don’t need to settle. I could definitely relate since I grew up with an abusive father.
February 10, 2025
An all around amazing book for understanding, healing and a path forward. My entire book if filled with highlights, side notes, and sticky notes. I stopped many times to look up articles and books that were referenced to share with others and to read later.
September 2, 2025
So good. There were stories explaining the abuse, loving encouragement, and reminders of God's love. Whatever you choose to do, he reminds you that you are worthy of love, you have choices, and your voice matters. I highly recommend this book
October 12, 2019
Eye opening
Never did I consider that I was experiment many of the things discussed in this book. I appreciate the guidance given and all chosen journeys respected.
Never did I consider that I was experiment many of the things discussed in this book. I appreciate the guidance given and all chosen journeys respected.
October 21, 2019
Very eye opening.
January 6, 2020
This book is a great help and puts words to a confusing situation many women find themselves in.
April 12, 2020
Great information on emotional abuse, how to stay, how to go;good tools.
March 15, 2021
Helpful for a soul crushing situation.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 42 reviews