Every Man's Battle Guide: Weapons for the War Against Sexual Temptation

The Every Man

by Stephen F. Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey (Contributor)

From the authors of the best-selling Every Man series, Every Man’s Battle Guide is a powerful collection of promises and warnings, instructions and inspiration straight from the Bible to you–all designed to equip you to win the war against sexual temptation. You’ll find easy-to-understand verses to encourage and challenge you in these key

·Accepting God’s loving authority
·Learning from the Bible’s role models
·Using the supernatural weapons at your disposal
·Understanding the importance of accountability and discipline
·Comparing the world’s views with God’s wisdom
·Studying the Owner’s manual for sexual conduct
·Avoiding and overcoming temptation
·Making a plan according to God’s Word
·Developing a heart that cherishes your wife
·Experiencing God’s forgiveness when you fail

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Christianity, Self Help, Religion, Spirituality

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2000

About the author

Stephen Arterburn is the founder and chairman of New Life Ministries—the nation's largest faith-based broadcast, counseling, and treatment ministry—and is the host of the nationally syndicated New Life Live! daily radio program aired on over 180 radio stations nationwide, Sirius XM radio, and on television. Steve is also the founder of the Women of Faith conferences, attended by over 4 million women, and of HisMatchforMe.com.
Steve is a nationally known public speaker and has been featured in national media venues such as Oprah, Inside Edition, Good Morning America, CNN Live, the New York Times, USA Today, and US News & World Report.
In August 2000, Steve was inducted into the National Speakers Association's Hall of Fame. A bestselling author, Steve has written more than one hundred books, including the popular Every Man's series and his most recent book, Healing Is a Choice. He is a Gold Medallion–winning author and has been nominated for numerous other writing awards.
Steve has degrees from Baylor University and the University of North Texas as well as two honorary doctorate degrees. Steve is a teaching pastor at Northview Church in suburban Indianapolis and resides with his family in Indiana.

Reviews

[J.G. Keely · Rating 1 out of 5]

When I was a kid I used to sleep over at my best friend's house, and since he and his family were practicing Christians, I ended up going to a lot of Sunday services with them. We'd sit and listen to the pastor and sing some songs, and often, we'd go back to his house and talk about what we'd heard.

I remember going with him and his brother to Bible study a few times, where I was always shocked to find that I knew more about the Bible than the kids who were there, who could quote a hundred verses off the top of their heads, which was especially surprising to me, because I really didn't know much about the Bible.

I remember one instance where they were talking about the devil being in their heads, butting doubts and thoughts in there, making them think things they didn't want to think. I interrupted and asked if they remembered last week, when the Pastor had pointed out that nowhere in the Bible does the devil tempt anyone, let alone control their thoughts, except in the story of Job, where Lucifer had to ask God's permission first, and God did the lion's share of the tormenting.

"Am I the only one who actually listens to the pastor?" I asked, confused--they didn't have an answer for me.

It was around this point that my best friend's brother, who was also at the bible study, began to have problems with girls in school. Like most of us, he felt awkward about the new feelings he was having, and was more afraid of women than interested in them. He was a tall, blond, blue-eyed football player and girls liked to hang around him, even asking him out, which made him nervous and confused.

He was a few years younger than us and we'd been there, we knew how he felt. His parents decided to try to help him, and at their pastor's suggestion, they bought him this book.

After getting and reading it, his fear and anxiety around women seemed to increase, so me and my friend grabbed it from the coffee table, sat down in his room, and read it. We were still high school kids ourselves and hadn't had sex, but even then, we felt like this book was written by people who knew less about sex and human relationships than we did.

It's a book full of guilt and paranoia: people can't control themselves, especially women, who can't help but try to seduce you, and it's your duty to avoid them, not to look about them or think about them in sexual ways, not to have those thoughts. The fact that these relationships are expressed in terms of combat shows the level of conflict the authors feel appropriate.

But, of course, almost everyone has those thoughts. They are a natural component of how human beings work--attraction, infatuation, love, sex--these things are real, vital parts of life, secular or Christian. He tried to control his thoughts, to make them go away, but it isn't that easy.

When a person spends hours at school surrounded by other teen boys and girls who have bodies and sexual thoughts, then goes home and reads books about sexual thoughts, it's no wonder that those thoughts will consume them. If someone wandered behind you whispering "don't think about sex" over and over again throughout the day, how would you be able to think about anything else?

And perhaps the biggest problem about this book is that it encourages teens who are confused and uninformed to feel guilty, to feel like it's their job to control their thoughts and if they can't, they are failing not only themselves, but the people they are attracted to. Those sorts of negative obsessions can be very powerful, and it's easy for them to take hold, as they did for my friend's brother.

Now, every time he had a thought about the opposite sex, he was suddenly full of guilt, suddenly telling himself over and over "don't think about sex", and getting even more upset when those thoughts didn't go away--which did not make it easier for him to learn to interact with women. The obsession he had with not thinking about sex just gave those thoughts more power and heightened his emotional response.

My friend and I, on the other hand, even though we were going through the same problem, found that as time went on, things got easier. We learned how to communicate with people, the anxiety lessened as we learned that all the stuff we were confused about, all the stuff we didn't know about sex wasn't that big of a deal. We didn't give into those thoughts--we didn't have sex--but we learned to ignore them, to live with them, and we learned that they didn't have to define us or how we interacted with other people. Sure, it was a struggle sometimes, but we never let that struggle define who we are.

The bottom line is, whether you have a positive obsession with sex or a negative obsession with sex, you're still obsessed, and that isn't healthy. Trying to banish your own thoughts is never going to work, because the when you say "I have to get rid of my sexual thoughts", that is you thinking about your sexual thoughts.

It's a problem my friend's brother deals with to this day. He's a sweet guy, an intelligent guy, and he's not crazy, it's just that the anxiety of this has built up so much in his head for so long from books like this that he never had a chance to learn how to interact with people he's attracted to. He even enrolled in a group that helps people with sex addiction, despite the fact that he is still a virgin and in college, because these thoughts and this guilt still keeps him up at night, and prevent him from meeting or befriending women.

It's fine if people want to be abstinent, or if they want to live as Christians and marry as virgins, but this book is not the path to making peace with yourself and your feelings, it's a book that fosters repression and anxiety. Reading through it, I was struck with how the authors talk about sexual thoughts--it became immediately clear that people who repress their sexuality think about sex far more often than I ever have, even as an atheistic teenage boy, I never thought about sex as much as the examples in this book.

This book is not a representation of real life, or of normal human relationships. It is not a tool to help people come to terms with unwanted thoughts, nor will it help anyone to develop a healthy outlook on life and sexuality, Christian or otherwise. This book is full of nonsense and misinformation, and if you are a young man who already feels anxious about sex and women, this book will help to turn that anxiety into constant, life-long fear.

[Olivia · Rating 1 out of 5]

I’ll reserve the majority of my spleen for the behemoth of a Christian sex culture post that will (hopefully) be forthcoming on my blog sometime this year, and just hit the highlights in this review.

(Yes, what follows are the highlights.)

Arterburn opens the book with an anecdote about the time he was ogling a female jogger so outrageously that he literally caused a car crash, and honestly the only appropriate reaction to this is that part in The Princess Diaires 2: Royal Engagement when Gretchen is watching Viscount Mabrey get carted off by security at the wedding and she’s hollering with laughter and stuffing popcorn into his favorite armchair. Serves the idiot right.

There’s so much that I could say about so much, like how the authors never once address the fact that sex can (AND SHOULD) be physically pleasurable for women, too (just one single acknowledgement of the clitoris, I beg of you); or how the whole “bounce your eyes” tactic (on its own) is not the healthiest way to address visual/physical arousal (but, I guess, why teach your sons to view women as people instead of objects of sexual temptation to be avoided at all costs? too risky); or how you can’t tell men not to blame God for their lack of sexual discipline (good!) right after telling them that God made them uniquely susceptible to sexual temptation simply by virtue of their masculinity (so ridiculously bad!); or how “for science” is not a valid reason to use explicit, titillating, repulsively dehumanizing language when describing lustful thoughts, if your whole premise is based on helping men to overcome those lustful thoughts.

But, instead, in the aforementioned interests of hitting the highlights, I’m just going to share some of the worst quotes and my reactions thereto. *smiles angelically*

Massive trigger warning for sexual assault. Also, strong language ahead because I simply Cannot anymore.

“Well, do you remember that scene at the beginning [of Forrest Gump] where Sally Field has sex with the principal to get her son into the ‘right’ school?” . . . Remember the grunting and panting between Sally Field and the principal? And how, when Sally Field next appeared on screen, you briefly looked her up and down and wondered what it might be like to have her under the sheets? You had your arm around your wife while you were thinking it. Then later, after you retired to bed for a “bit of sport” with your wife, you replaced your wife’s face with Sally Field’s, and you wondered why she couldn’t make you grunt and pant like the principal.

So you were . . . you were turned on by sexual assault? And you think that’s normal? What, from the bottom of my heart, the hell?

We’ve heard stories about some husbands who coerced their wives into sexual intercourse one, two, and sometimes three times a day!

Who raped their wives one, two, and sometimes three times a day. You've heard stories about some husbands who raped their wives one, two, and sometimes three times a day, boys. Let’s use the correct terminology, hmm?

Remember, our habits are rooted in our maleness. We understand them. Women don’t. Almost without fail, women who hear about your sexual impurity will think of you as a pervert.

I truly hate that I have to be the one to explain this to you, Fred, but if a man is so sexually out of control that he's masturbating to the sight of his fully clothed sister-in-law sleeping on the floor in front of him, or to the sight of mothers literally just removing children from their carseats in a grocery store parking lot, then he IS a pervert. If he can’t watch figure skating because the outfits are, and I quote, “next-to-nothing,” then he needs professional help. This is deviance. It is not normal. It is not the natural, “unchecked” progression of male human sexuality – even (especially) by secular standards. Check out this review or this one if you don’t believe me. You and your pals have a problem. Consider this an intervention.

Yet our maleness is a major root of sexual sin.

It’s the ✨misandry✨ for me. 🙂

[Men] have a visual ignition switch when it comes to viewing the female anatomy. Women seldom understand this because they aren’t sexually stimulated in the same way.

We, actually, are.

Women told us that they struggle between pity and anger, and their feelings may ebb and flow with the tide of their husband’s battle. Let us direct this advice to women reading this book: Though you know you should pray for him and fulfill him sexually, sometimes you won’t want to. Talk to each other openly and honestly, then do the right thing.

. . .

In relation to your own husband, understanding the seventy-two-hour cycle can help you keep him satisfied. Ellen said, “His purity is extremely important to me, so I try to meet his needs so that he goes out each day with his cup full. During the earlier years, with much energy going into childcare and with my monthly cycle, it was a lot more difficult for me to do that. There weren’t too many ‘ideal times’ when everything was just right. But that’s life, and I did it anyway.” So there’s a place for the quickie. While a long-term diet of drive-by sex is unhealthy, it certainly has a place in defusing the power of the seventy-two-hour temptation cycle. Sometimes you just don’t have the time or energy for the full package, but if you care about his purity, you can find just enough energy to get him by.

. . .

Along with prayer, there are other ways you can help him win this battle. Once he tells you he’s going cold turkey, be like a merciful vial of methadone for him. Increase your availability to him sexually, though this may be difficult for you since your husband might have told you some things that repulse you. Since your sex drive, as a woman, is tied to relationship, you may feel betrayed, just as if your husband had an actual affair. It may help you to view this from a male’s perspective, where “relationship” and “sex” do not have such a tight bond. Please don’t misunderstand us. His lusting was definitely a moral betrayal, but it wasn’t necessarily a betrayal of the heart. You may still be his one and only true love, the one he could never, ever leave. He has a fractional addiction to the chemical high, but don’t assume his heart for you is untrue. Mercy is probably your best tack – with accountability, of course.

Consider Kevin, who is married with three kids. While working with the youth group at church, he met a beautiful fifteen-year-old girl. “She’s a knockout, and looks more like twenty,” he said. “Sometimes I’d ask about boys she’s known and dated, and we’d joke and laugh a lot, but sometimes I went too far. We’d get to talking a little trashy, about what she liked when kissing, what I bet she wouldn’t do with a guy, that sort of thing. I knew I shouldn’t talk to her like that, but it was exciting. Last week, when my wife and kids were out of town, I gave this girl a ride home. We got to talking dirty again, and somehow I bet her that she wouldn’t pull her pants down for me. She did. I lost my senses, and I drove her to a park and we had sex. I’m in real trouble! She told her parents about it, and they may press rape charges!”

BECAUSE YOU F*CKING RAPED HER, KEVIN. BECAUSE YOU ARE A F*CKING CHILD RAPIST. Pray God her parents did press charges and that you are currently serving a prison sentence.

Lord have mercy on us all.

[Victoria Springer · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is an outdated piece of propaganda with outrageous examples and excuses for some pretty criminal and disgusting behavior. At several points, the authors say that women will find men’s brains “disgusting” or “repulsive,” and they’re right, but only because they insist that ALL men think this way. I’m sorry, but if you are masturbating to your sister-in-law innocently sleeping on the floor in front of you - that goes way beyond an “all men have this problem” mentality. You have now committed sexual harassment and should go to jail. If you are staring out your window and jacking off to your neighbor who is sunbathing in her yard, that is voyeurism, and it is a serious issue (read: crime). You need therapeutic help — don’t turn to this book.

Let me start by saying what was good. The chapter on bouncing the eyes was a good one. I do agree that training your eyes not to immediately ogle people is smart. Not a bad concept. If you are looking at someone you immediately intend to sexualize, sure, maybe look away until you can see that person as a PERSON. And after living in NYC and, well, pretty much anywhere, I would really appreciate it if strange men weren’t constantly using their eyes to undress me. This is not “every man’s battle.” In fact, I would argue it’s not most men’s battle. As my husband pointed out when I explained the bouncing eyes chapter to him, “Isn’t that just what decent people do?” You would think so.

I could go into ridiculous detail about how problematic this book is for both men and women, but I will genuinely try to keep it short.

1. The book’s treatment of women. The authors have good intentions to treat women the way they believe women should be treated. They want to elevate men’s view of women, but they honestly fail. In one example, the authors are sharing a story of a man who passed by an office on his way to work where he could see a woman inside doing her job. Instead of describing the woman as I just did, the authors made the choice to describe her as a “bosomy secretary.” Okay, fellas, let’s clear this up right now. Some women have big boobs. Some women has small boobs. Men and women both agree that boobs are awesome. Everyone loves boobs. However, reducing a woman’s description to simply her body type is exactly what the issue is here. This is only one example of the many times the authors themselves describe women far too sexually to be the least bit respectful. It is in short, completely counter-intuitive to what they claim they are trying to do: help men be more respectful of women, be sexually pure and avoid sexual “sin.” More on the authors’ treatment of women: One author describes a time after he’s learned to “bounce his eyes” where his wife tells him to look at a woman in a bikini because he won’t believe what he sees. He nervously glances at the woman and comments on how she must’ve been in her mid-sixties and was far too old and “saggy” to be wearing a bikini. So apparently, he implied it was acceptable to judge this woman’s body simply because he wasn’t sexualizing her? I found examples like this disgusting.

2. Forrest Gump. This is the only reason to read the book if you want the laugh of your life. Towards the beginning, one of the authors uses the most ludicrous example of watching Forrest Gump, later having sex with his wife (or as calls it, having a “bit of sport”), and visualizing SALLY FIELD’S FACE INSTEAD OF HIS WIFE’S. He chalks this up to the scene where Forrest’s mother has sex with the principal to get Forrest into a good school. The scene is awful. It is not the least bit sexy. It is a mother making a sacrifice to give her child the best life she can. And most importantly, Sally Field does not even appear on screen in the scene. This is a movie with freakin’ Robin Bombshell Wright yet this author can’t keep his dirty mind off Sally Field. The author writes this part as if all men should relate to an example like this one. (Also, not saying Robin Wright should be sexualized, just pointing out that she should be the more obvious choice if you’re going to use an example as ludicrous as that)

3. I read probably half of this book to my husband to get his honest perspective. He responded, “This sounds more like a book for sexual perverts and deviants. This isn’t for normal men.” I asked if he could relate to any of the examples. He said, “Do I notice attractive women? Yeah. Does my mind immediately jump to having sex with them? Hell no. That’s a person that has no self-control or respect for anyone.” That’s why I married him.

4. The authors include women’s voices at the end of chapters, which I appreciate. I agree with many things some of the women say. One that I definitely agreed with was a woman coming to realize that she should dress sexy for her husband (a point that the authors stress several times to help the husbands out and help them stay faithful). Yes, girl! Show off that bod for him; HOWEVER, do NOT do it out of fear that your husband will cheat if you don’t. If someone cheats in a relationship, that was the decision of the person who cheated. If they try to claim it’s because their spouse wasn’t “sexy” enough or didn’t want sex enough, they are fooling themselves. It is not the fault of the spouse that was wronged. On the opposite side of this, the authors who one minute beg their wives to dress sexily when they go out with their husbands to help get them “in the mood,” are the next minute blaming their wives for causing other men to “stumble into lust for them” when they wear shorts or bare their shoulders. God have mercy. WOMEN CANNOT WIN.

5. The authors push the myth that women aren’t visual and/or are not as interested in sex as men. Do I even have to go any further on this point? Maybe if women weren’t constantly being blamed for dragging men to the sexual depths and being taught to be modest but sexy, pure until marriage but ready to bang it out whenever her husband wants (yes - the book expects women to “do it anyway” “even when your husband has betrayed or hurt you.” Because of course, if he doesn’t remain faithful, that’s your fault. BULLSHIT.) then perhaps we would be allowed to express our sexuality healthily rather than hiding it and being told to be ashamed of it.

6. I am done with blaming women for men’s lack of self-control. I do agree that rampantly sexualizing women is a cultural issue (that has been around since the dawn of time) that is also a problem that men (and some women) need therapy for. Go to therapy. There’s no shame in it, and you can get to the roots of any compulsive masturbation or uncontrolled sexualization and objectification of human beings with thoughts, talents and personalities. Most women you come in contact with are not hoping you’ll objectify them. Trust me.

7. Masturbation is not unhealthy or bad. Like with most things, moderation is key. Is porn unhealthy? Oh most definitely. There is plenty of science to back that up. I am completely against pornography, aligning with the authors. But masturbation is a natural human process for both men and women. To tell men that they have to wait for a wet dream to “release pressure” is a fairly abusive thought to plant. The authors describe sex as a beautiful thing between a husband and wife, which it most certainly is, but at the same time, they put blatant shame around basic, natural human sexuality to a dangerous point.

All in all, this is a terrible book with good intentions.

[Hannah Reeves · Rating 1 out of 5]

Y'all, I can confidently award this book the distinction of being the most horrible book I've ever had the displeasure of reading. I knew going in that I would disagree with a lot of this book; I read it for a research project for university. What I didn't expect was how much Every Man's Battle would disgust and horrify me, and how much of it I would take into therapy with me for weeks afterward.
I'm speaking as a Christian woman who has been hanging on to the tatters of a faith that has been shredded by the reaction of other Christians to violence against women, among other major issues of our time. Whether it's ignoring and covering up abuse or perpetuating sexist theology, conservative American Christianity has shown a truly nasty underbelly, and this book hangs its hat on those characteristics. The phrase that occurred to me over and over again while reading Every Man's Battle was "sexual terrorism". That sounds extreme, but I came with examples.
Throughout the book, the authors compare women to various objects to make the point that they are sexual resources for their husbands. My personal favorite? Wives are entreated to be "merciful vials of methadone" to their sex-addicted husbands. Women are also characterized in explicitly sexual terms over and over again; we are referred to as "bosomy secretaries", "a bit of sport", and "banquets of glistening flesh". It's unclear whether men are supposed to objectify or fear women, but either way, women are certainly not depicted in this book on our own terms as whole people. We are objects upon which sexuality is enacted rather than sexual beings ourselves.
Probably the most disturbing thing contained within this book's pages is a multitude of anecdotes meant to display the inborn lust problem in every man. But the anecdotes aren't examples of run-of-the-mill lustful thoughts and actions; they are actually stories of crimes committed by the authors and people they've counseled. There's the story of one of the authors getting into a car crash because he was so busy ogling an innocent jogger; there's the story of a man who masturbated to his sister-in-law while she slept near him in his living room; there's the story of a 30-something youth minister who was attracted to and had sex with his 15 year old student. And rather than framing the men involved as sex addicts, deviants, and pedophile rapists, they are presented as normal examples of "how men are". Since the authors believe that these kinds of actions are natural for men, they really ought to have followed through to the obvious conclusion: if this is "every man's battle", every man belongs in prison.
The messages sent by this troublingly popular book make men into predators and women into prey. Every Man's Battle depicts the male sex drive as voracious, objectifying, and naturally predatory, and it depicts women as dangerous objects of lust who are often at least partly to blame for how porn-sick men treat them. I honestly can't overstate the levels of fear, self-hate, and disgust I had to fight off while reading this book. On days when my anxiety was especially bad, I had to deal with intrusive thoughts about how all the men around me, including my own family(!), must be seeing me as a piece of meat, or at least having a very hard time not undressing me with their eyes. How depressing and toxic is that? It reminded me of the observations of feminist philosopher Simone de Beauvoir, that women living in a misogynistic and objectifying world are forced to become their own voyeurs, seeing themselves through their own mind's eye the way that men see them: inherently sexual, collections of body parts, dangerous to men's purity. I absolutely experienced this while reading this book; I would choose my outfit in the mornings with an unwelcome additional voice in my head policing whether or not a man who'd read Every Man's Battle might see too much of my chest and immediately fetishize my very existence. The paranoia was unbearable.
But one thing was worse: the fact that, amidst all their talk of animalistic sexuality and dangerous feminine wiles and rape that they wouldn't call rape, Stoeker and Arterburn wouldn't stop talking about God. It wasn't just that men had voracious and predatory sex drives; God had made them that way! It wasn't just that women's bodies were these inherently sexual things for men to consume; Jesus died on the cross so that women would stop luring men to damnation with their sinful breasts! It wasn't just that women are the emotional and sexual possessions of their husbands and fathers; God wants them to be, because it's His perfect complementary plan! Well, I don't know what God these men are worshipping, but I want nothing to do with him, and I can't imagine any non-Christian reading this book would, either. I have to give it to them: it must have been hard work to both paint a horrific, nightmare-inducing picture of men and damage the witness of Christ at the same time, but by golly, they've done it.
I would recommend this book to people who need a REALLY good excuse to try therapy for the first time, parents who want to turn their sons into monsters, women who would like to experience brand new levels of anxiety and depression, and students doing research projects that will wreck their mental health.

[Charles · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was disappointing. I've heard people speak of this book as if it's "the book" on defeating sexual temptation. Unfortunately, that's not what I found on the pages.
First of all, the authors are far too graphic, and may in fact evoke some of the very thoughts that they are telling you not to have. Big problem.
Second, while the authors provide some practical advice - it is all quite basic and really never touches on the real problem of lust - the heart. Bigger problem.
Lastly, the authors are quite proud of their accomplishments and of how they have beat sexual temptation. In fact, one of them goes so far as to say he can now "will the thought way" and doesn't need the Bible or anything. Basically, they sound like they have traded in sexual temptation for a mega-dose of arrogant self-righteousness. Biggest problem.
I'm currently reading Joshua Harris' book "Sex Isn't the Problem (Lust Is)". I've read two pages of the preface and am already finding it a better, more thoughtful treatment of the topic of lust.
In case you are unsure, I do not recommend "Every Man's Battle" to anyone. Though some may find the practical advice helpful - let's face it - it's so basic you already know you should be doing it. The real problem is why aren't you doing it?

[Jessica Jensen · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book blames women for a man's "sin" of being sexually attracted to women with whom they are not involved, or with whom they are a "couple" but not yet "allowed" to be sexually involved. Take some responsibility guys, and also, sexual attraction is a natural thing. A biological thing. It's not evil. Neither is masturbation.

[Kari · Rating 1 out of 5]

I am not even sure where to start. This book was absolutely disturbing. There were so many things in this book that made my jaw drop. I read many passages out loud to my husband and his face told me his thoughts before he even said anything - he was shocked and completely disgusted that this was a popular book, that claims to be a Christian book! The things the authors describe in this book ARE NOT NORMAL. They are many times describing men who have serious sex addiction and they need professional counseling. But instead they’re telling men that this is totally normal and you just have a lust problem. They specifically say it’s not a sexual addiction. Pretty sure if you’re racing home at a certain time every day to masturbate to your neighbor sunbathing - you have a sex addiction.

The authors literally describe crimes like they are no big deal- something that every man struggles with. I do not believe for a second that every man is turned on by his sister in law and masturbates while she’s asleep in the room. That honestly wasn’t even the worst of it and that was horrifying! They talk about a youth leader who rapes a 15 year old girl but they say “they had sex.” No. That is rape. And then he’s upset because she told her parents and now he’s in serious trouble - not upset that he raped someone, just upset that he got caught.

The authors’ view of women is also incredibly disgusting. Women are described as “hot babes,” “busty secretaries,” “glistening joggers,” literally everything you can think of except calling them women or human beings. The authors view women as objects. Not human Beings (even though they claim not to). In addition to that, they also seem to view women as the enemy who is out to get them. They literally talk about women like they are trying to seduce you and cause you to sin. It was so disgusting reading their view of women and it honestly made me super sad for their wives. Especially how they view their wives as sex objects that they get to turn all of their attention to instead of porn/etc. you need counseling. Not more sex with your wife. That is so incredibly unhealthy and not fair to your wife who you’ve basically been cheating on and ignoring but now you expect her to have sex with you constantly so you don’t sin. Well if you’re treating your wife like an object and not showing her love like Jesus, that’s still sin, buddy.

Speaking of wives, the authors literally tell their readers to keep their sexual struggles a secret from their wives. Because females just don’t understand. I’m sorry, what?!!

The authors also hint on marital rape and instead of calling it that they say “your husband may have a boarder line sex addiction.” If your husband is demanding/forcing you to have sex with him at all (not more than once a day like the authors suggest) THAT IS RAPE!

The authors also state that a man can’t go 72 hours without sexual release. And that if you’re not married God gives you the “gift” of wet dreams for that release. Where’s your scientific proof for that? That is so not accurate or true and just another way for the man to dictate his wife have sex with him. Also again, IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM. Mannnnny times in this book they address wives and how they need to be available to have sex whenever their husbands “need” it but they’re pretty quiet on pleasing your wife sexually. They also tell women not to change clothes in front of your husbands unless you’re ready to have sex. These men are complete perverts.

This was a completely disgusting book that I would recommend to literally no one and honestly I might buy copies of it that I find just to burn in my fire pit because that is the only useful thing this book is good for.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this on the reccomendation of a friend, and have since reccomended it to many of my friends. It opened my eyes to ways that I might have unknowingly hindered my brothers in Christ. I appreciated the honest approach on the subject of sexual sin, of the way that God created men, and the frank advice given to men as well as women. I used the book to create a discussion, which I gave to the youth with whom I was working at the time. One of the questions I asked of the young ladies was: "Do you care about your brothers in Christ? Do you care about the young men that you know who are not yet Christ-followers?"
I could go on and on about the book. It's a great book.

[Joshua Walden · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was shenanigans. Super conservative, non-denominational shenanigans. Sexual purity is a great concept. However, this book is so hetero-sexist, and full of masogyny. I stopped reading it halfway through because of the offensive content.

[Sunny O · Rating 1 out of 5]

This books is simply to excuse men's desires for force sex, thoughts of rape, incest, or to live an immoral life. It also pushes to manipulate the woman in to thinking they are wrong for not wanting to engage in sex, or coupling. This book uses very negative descriptions of women, (Sex objects - like a methadone-like-fix.) They preach that it is normal and typical to "masturbate" while lying next to their sister-in-law, or for a 30-something man feeling sexually aroused by 15 years old children, that he was supposed to be ministering to. The book says that it is normal to experience "sexual sin" because men are created to experience that sin, and that the only way to rise above those sinful desires, would be to "get rid of the women."Instead of teaching men to RESPECT women, to know that "no" means "NO!", and teach men that it is NOT up to the women in their lives to succumb to a man's desires, in order to protect some innocent child from rape. THIS BOOK IS A GUIDE TO TEACHING MEN HOW TO BECOME SEXUAL PREDATORS AND MONSTERS. It is only written for that, and to made women feel that they are either a piece of meat, or responsible for the actions of men, or that what men are feeling is totally okay.

[Jessica · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is awful and further objectifies women and views them as sexual objects. This whole series is garbage (both the men’s and women’s books)!

[Michael Otto · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book on how to battle against sexual temptations and win victory.

[Christina · Rating 1 out of 5]

Disappointing is an understatement. This book is actively harmful towards both men and women, perpetuating ideas that all men are perverted and cannot help but lust at beautiful women and the idea that women need to help men in their sinful "maleness" by acting as their methadone and understanding how hard life is for them. I'm still shocked that this book ended up being the number one best selling purity book for Christians in the early 2000's.

This book is the opposite of pure. It contains detailed, erotic stories of men lusting after all women and objectifying them without actually denouncing the blatant sexism. Then it claims that all men are equally perverted and lack self-control, it's totally normal to do things like get into a car crash because you can't stop staring at a woman on the side of the road running in a bikini (the first story in the book and yes, it was one of the authors). They go as extreme as claiming that men need a certain amount of sexual gratification. I shudder at the implications that thinking lends itself towards.

Things that are wrong with this book:

- A total lack of responsibility for their perversion. It's either the women's fault for wearing too skimpy of clothes or it's just their "maleness" that is hardwired to stare at boobs. Or it's Satan. It's never actually just the men and their sexist objectifying of women. Sure, they say that they have a heart problem, but they don't take full responsibility. It's all fake, outward "repentance". They even say "most sexual impurity is generated from women you don't even know." So women cause men to be sexually impure? Another quote: "How could he help it? For men, attractions seem to just happen. It's part of being male."

- Disturbing descriptions of women's bodies whether it's calling them a "goddesslike blonde" or saying that her bikini's "fabric struggled to contain her ample bosom." They even describe women as "a continuing flood of fresh lust objects" - I'm not even kidding. They used the word "full breasted" at least 10 times in this book. As if a woman can help the size of her boobs?

- Instead of discussing healthy sexual consent, the authors claim that men "require a certain amount of sexual gratification." This is not only selfish but lends itself towards rape culture and coercive sex with their wives. Lots of stories in the book could be considered rape, including the rape of a 15 year old girl by her youth group leader! The one time they mention consent is saying that it's unreasonable for men to demand sex from their wives every day or multiple times a day. But they imply that it's okay to demand sex every 72 hours (per Dobson's bullsh*t rule that he perpetuated among all Christian men claiming that men need sexual release that frequently). They imply this by guilt-tripping women - "The Bible says you should not withhold sex for long periods of time" and by that they mean longer than 72 hours. Using the Bible to demand or guilt trip your wives into sex more frequently than she consents to is marital rape. But the authors seem to encourage that.

- They exclusively focus on the man's sexual gratification, which is the opposite of godly love and sex. Yet they do this in a warped way by claiming that once they stop lusting after other women, they can then properly love their wives (through sex). Once a man stops engaging in pornography and sin with his eyes, he'll want more sex with his wife and wives would do best to "defuse the seventy-two-hour cycle... help him out in this battle. Give him release." Telling your wives to be used as a methadone is impure and disgusting. She's not an object for your release. She's your wife, a person, a human being.

- Consistently claiming that all men have these exact level of perverse thoughts and lust. Many of the stories here contain men that could actually be tried for being sex offenders and yet they follow-up these stories saying that "These men are not weirdos but your next-door neighbors, your fellow workers - even your in-laws. They are you. They are Sunday-school teachers, ushers, deacons. Even pastors aren't immune." Lumping together every man on the planet into these disgusting categories of lust-crazed men is nothing short of terrifying and is utterly untrue.

- Apparently, men and women can't be friends. The reason being that these friendships will inevitably lead to affairs because men can't help themselves. This is similar logic to a different book my husband and I read, called "Hedges." It's unfortunate that the level of focus on men being inherently lustful leads to further objectification of women because they are seen as threats and enemies cannot be friends. There is a borderline paranoia about how men should view women in this book. Words like "flee from her" and "avoid her" or "bounce your eyes" all seem to view women as threats to men's purity and thus not regarded as humans at all.

- There is an obsession with women they work with. I started underlining every time the authors mentioned attractive female co-workers being stumbling blocks or areas to "watch out" for and it was either on every page or every other page in most chapters! There is this sexist obsession with "attractive secretaries" and the risk of having an affair with a co-worker you work closely with. As if men cannot help themselves envisioning their co-workers naked at every chance they get. This is beyond disturbing. In one example, they shared a story of a man who had a crush on his co-worker because she was pretty and intelligent. Then he saw that "some of the engineering processes she put into place began to take some heavy criticism, and I saw that her disposition wasn't so light and airy after all. She could be downright shrewish!" Are you kidding me? That's derogatory and offensive, not to mention clearly shows that what the guy liked about her was her "airiness" and not when she actually showed some backbone.

- Throughout the book, abuse (whether sexual, physical, verbal, or emotional) is not called out as abuse. It's simply seen as normal behavior for men. Towards the end of the book, there is a frightening story of Fred throwing pots of bean soup across the kitchen floor and breaking holes in walls with his bare hands. This is described as an "out-of-control temper" and not violent, domestic abuse. After his wife Brenda said she was considering divorce, he had a "come-to" moment with God and vowed "I'll never get a divorce." This concerns me because divorce isn't an unanimous decision. If his wife wanted out of a physically fearful marriage, then why is his epiphany his vow to not get a divorce? Fred and Steve both consistently frame themselves as simultaneously the victim (we are just men who can't help how our brains are wired) and the hero (look at how we conquered sin and saved our marriages). The utter lack of true humility and self-awareness is astounding.

- A final thought that has nothing to do with toxicity, they absolutely suck at the English language. Some of the sentences are just straight-up painfully written and their thoughts and sentences are as poorly organized as a junkyard.

[Gary · Rating 1 out of 5]

Guilt trip. Here, I'll save you the time and money: Girls are hot and you are a TERRIBLE person for recognizing that.

[Jess · Rating 1 out of 5]

One of these writers definitely thinks frequently about what it would be like to fuck Sally Field and, you know what? Same.

[Beckie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'd actually give this book 2.5 stars but that's not an option.

I don't have anything against the book, it just covered a lot of things I either already knew or mostly, I was outside their target audience.

Now before you say "duh, this is a book for men," I'm referring to the sections for women. While the book is good at shedding light on men's struggles, I seem to fall into a narrow 1% of "understanding and merciful women" who were not exactly represented in this book.

My boyfriend lent it to me because it's one of his favorites. I can see the higher value in pinpointing the struggles men face with purity and how women, by their own actions, can be detrimental to any progress.

My biggest complaint is the clueless and judgmental portrayal of the women interviewed. Most of the women's responses involved anger and words like "pervert" and, in my opinion, a complete lack of understanding for the situation as a whole.

If a man has the courage to share this book with you and tell you about his struggles, calling him a "sick pervert who can't be trusted" is REALLY not going to help his confidence in overcoming his struggles and most definitely won't encourage him to come to *you* for support. I'm told I fall into this 1% category of women who think more like men or who are slightly more logical on the subject so the whole "omg how do I cope??" sections really just got on my nerves.

As for the meat of the content for men, I agree with other reviews in that the author can be a bit too graphic in his depictions but as my boyfriend pointed out, the depictions were no more graphic than what you're trying to already shield your eyes from in television, daily life, etc.

I feel like there could have been more/better bible verses used. I noticed the authors tended to lean on the same five verses and rather than "drive the point home" I wanted to drive into a wall.

I understand I am not male and cannot relate to this book as a male and will this have a different perspective. I think there is a lot more that could have been addressed and/or possibly in better ways but given what it is and given that I'm a girl, it was still a good book worth reading.

I think the thing I appreciated the most was the conviction of how much women's behaviour and clothing choices can be a stumbling block and it's made me look at my surroundings a lot closer. I was at the mall last night and was a bit shocked at the hyper-sexual clothing ads and scantily clad mannequins on all types of stores and magazines. Honestly, I'm disappointed that we as a society are so okay with this portrayal of women and that it's such a stumbling point for men who are trying to show godly respect for our gender.

[Dante · Rating 3 out of 5]

An incredibly useful, if problematic, resource for sexual purity.

I found a lot of useful advice, information, and encouragement in this book, enough to make it worth reading for most men. Arterburn and Stoeker have a solid understanding about the nature of compulsive behaviors, and approach this topic from a scriptural perspective while also discussing the scientific side of the topic. This book is a good primer for men who have not considered sexual purity before, or don't know how to pursue it.

However, some material in this book is not just unhelpful, but even counterproductive. At the beginning of the book the authors give a disclaimer that they will be completely frank and explicit with their descriptions of lived experiences lust and sexual temptation. However, in being frank, many passages in this book, especially in the first several chapters and the last chapter, come off as gratuitous and self-indulgent. Worse still, these descriptions are enough to be triggering for individuals recovering from sexual addiction, which defeats the purpose of this book. If it weren't for all the helpful and truly useful information in this book, I could not possibly recommend this book.

While not necessarily a complaint, this book is tailored for married men. Single guys can still get a lot from this resource, but will have to consult other resources to find best ways to pursue sexual purity outside of marriage.

All this being said, this book is a great read for someone looking for a place to start in pursuing sexual purity. Skip over some of the stories of lust and sexual sin and the "skin-to-skin" section in the last chapter, and you have a solid, useful resource for Christian men fighting sexual temptation.

[Laura The Book Reader · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is written to men. I read it with my husband, so we could talk about it, but found myself frustrated. They have sections where wives give their opinion and almost all of them have no clue into the minds of men. Half their comments are annoying. Also, all these "every whoever's battle" books have this undercurrent that the "whoever" will be dominated by sexual thoughts all the time and there is no way around it, so you just have to bear it and bounce your eyes. It did not feel helpful. The books came across as hopeless.

[Dana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this book...not in the sense that it made me feel great, but that it was eye opening and challenging. I think it helped me to be a better wife and understand my husband in a new and honoring way. I would encourage all husbands and wives (well, really everyone...married or single) to pick up a copy of this book. It is raw and insightful and doesn't dance around the issue of sexual temptation.

It also has a great study guide at the back of the book...

[Jen Grice · Rating 1 out of 5]

If your husband is a narcissist he will use words in this book against you (wife).

[Deanna · Rating 1 out of 5]

Has this book helped people? Yes. Is it still helping people? Probably. Has it damaged a lot of people? Absolutely, yes! Can we do better? YES!

I read this about ten years ago as a new bride to help better understand where men are coming from, since we are told we are so different and women will never understand what men go through. I accepted the teachings because I assumed they knew better than me and had the knowledge and experience. Also, this book seemed groundbreaking for the time, at least in the eyes of Focus on the Family.

But it’s the same trussed up pig, just with a different marinade.

Looking at it again, knowing better (and having an amazing marriage), this book deserves to head to the flames of the nearest fire pit.

Various thoughts:

Why did the author take us on a titillating journey in the beginning with his detailed description of the female jogger? The fact that he still recalls and Wollongong recalls this image says he hasn’t put it aside yet. And is dragging his readers down with him.

And the youth pastor who commits statuary rape on ha teen? He’s more worried about what her dad will think instead of the fact that he just abused his authority to her, damaged her sexually, and used her for his own gain. He said he “lost his mind” when she pulled down her pants. But no, he had already lost his mind and just needed an excuse to take it farther.

In section on how to avoid lusting—knowing the truth—the truth to the author gives in every situation leaves women being shrewish or manipulative. Going by this method, the truth will always be subjective according to the lusting man and any stumbling will always be the female’s fault. The heart is not truly healed. It just has a veneer of doing the right thing. How about just seeing women as people?

Oh, oh, and telling wives to be a man’s methadone when he’s trying to get over the addiction? I.e. give him sex any time he wants it. No. No. No. No! This only transfers his lustful, porn-addled mind to his wife. How about no sex until he’s healed?

A crucial, fundamental point that is not acknowledged in this book—how to treat women with respect and seeing them as human beings rather than something to be sexually conquered. How mind-blowing.

Andrew Bauman just came out with a book called How Not to Be an A**. This would be a great book for Arterburn and Stoeker to read. Also, I recommend for help with pornography addiction any day over these guys. See also The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregorio.

And please, burn this book.

Also, this Every Man’s is just a symptom of a larger issue that the church has perpetuated—that all men struggle with lust and women are here to serve men. Until this unbiblical lie continues, books like this will thrive with many not knowing any better. Let’s change that.

[Devin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is an excellent overview of the sexual struggles that most (if not all) men face in their lifetimes. The book was very accurate, explicit, and helpful in describing men's sexual wiring and how temptations often overcome men and can be conquered in light of this wiring.

I will say that this book is definitely helpful. Arterburn and Stoeker offer great advice on taking practical steps to fighting what they call "fractional" sexual addiction. Their solution starts with giving men helpful advice on how to divert their eyes from anything that could evoke sexual stimulation. They continue to speak about how, after the eyes have developed their habit, a man has to take control of his thought life. The last section then tells men how to keep their hearts fixed on their wives. I especially appreciated the "The Heart of a Woman" piece at the end of each section which demonstrated women's reactions when informed about the struggle that their husbands face.

Despite the advantage this book is to men, I was disappointed in that, though it is held high by Christians, it is not particularly or necessarily Christian. The examples of men's sexual propensities, the consequences of sexual sin, and the nature of men's relationship with women are all given at least a little bit of biblical support, but Arterburn and Stoeker's solutions to men's sexual overdrive are all founded in their own experiences.

These solutions aren't particularly or necessarily Christian. I appreciated how honest and open this book was about a very common problem, but the fact that it did not teach from the Bible under it's "Christian" flag left me wanting. This book would lead me to believe that the Bible speaks of the problem of sexual sin and what sexuality ought to be, but the solution is only found in what men today have to say.

Do not misunderstand me, this book is very helpful. However, though flagged as "Christian," these authors do not necessarily expound on what God has to say on the solution to men's sexual sin from Scripture.

[Jim Mellon · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book adds another brick to the house dedicated to purity culture. The fundamental assumption is that our hardwired sexual drive is not a natural phenomenon that can be driven to extreme heights by a culture that is obsessed with sex (both in glorifying it and in seeking to repress it) but as a result the spiritual battle between good and evil. The author’s assumptions seem to be that evil has the upper hand with the powerful tools to ensnare young people's souls by the power of sexual lust. Only by basically refusing to look at a sexuality attractive person, by prayer and having an accountability partner can someone ward off temptation and live a righteous life.

I would say that this just adds fuel to the fire by further contributing to our obsession with sex while also heaping on portions of fear and guilt.

Sex is one of the fundamental realities of human nature. It like any other basic drive can be driven to unhealthy extremes in our modern world but I think it is ridiculous to fight this hard against the inevitable. To be fair it wouldn't be good to act out on all or even most of the sexual impulses that we have but I believe that our sexual natures can be expressed in a healthy and balanced way that doesn't have to include hypersexuality or repression. I think there is room for a middle way.

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

No, every man IS NOT a deviant, perverted, pedophile, and the incredibly graphic extreme examples they give detail rape, voyeurism, and assault. And THEN try to normalize them and tell women “this is just what men are like. Deal with it.” Except that Jesus is supposed to change us from who we are into who HE is.

No, both men and women (ESPECIALLY young women) are hurt by books like this in very deep, lasting ways. Not sure if you believe me? Please read The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire. Or anything by her really. Her research of over 20,000 women prove that these message are harmful. Even deadly sometimes. Please stop perpetuating these ideas that create environments teeming with sexual abuse of ALL kinds.

[D.A. Cairns · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are a man, read this book. If you are a woman, read this book. It will turn your thinking about male sexuality upside down, and let's face it, if you look around, this whole world has a pretty serious problem with sex. Pornography, masturbation and infidelity are all tackled head on. No excuses, no wishy washy BS post modernism.

This is an honest, and honestly great book. I'm going to read it again. Immediately. If you're a regular guy like me, who either thinks he has a problem controlling his sexuality, or knows he has, then read Every Man's Battle. Even if you don;t think you have a problem, read it anyway. It's not called EVERY man's battle for nothing.

[Scott Petty · Rating 1 out of 5]

To be honest, I didn't finish this book. Actually, I barely started it. The book begins with personal testimonies which in my opinion go way too far and are much too descriptive. I did not expect a book about overcoming temptation to lead my mind into temptation. There must be a way to testify without titillating.

[Josh · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't get past the sample excerpt. A man described a moment of temptation in way too much detail. I wasn't particularly struggling with sexual temptation before, but I did after. It's not the kind of story that I would normally read, but my guard was down because this was supposed to be a book to help with sexual temptation.

[CalebA · Rating 4 out of 5]

A man's life long journey to freedom.

This book presents a refreshing attitude towards sin that is obviously counter-cultural. Since it was written a while ago, it's not quite up to date with today's electronic temptations which have arguably increased exponentially. I found the book unnecessarily graphic at points in terms of describing the author's temptations. So because of this, the book might not be for everyone. That said it was a great voice in my ear and I enjoyed the time going through it!

[Rob Curtis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Powerful and very insightful. Definitely recommend for EVERY man!

[Amílcar Rodríguez · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.8