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96 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1983
Somehow I had reached an age when being in love with a beautiful woman was beyond my reach because I was now bald and my face was full of wrinkles, yet the cats loved me the way girls used to love me when I was young. I was everything to my cats, father and lover. But the cat with the white feet and the white bib, Blackie, loved me most of all. Whenever I'd look at her, she'd go all soft and I'd have to pick her up and for a moment I'd feel her go limp from the surge of feeling that flowed from me to her and back again, and I would groan with pleasure.
Those mornings, when the five cats would crawl into bed with us, were moments of family bliss.


...once again I saw the eyes of the cats I had beaten to death, their reproachful eyes, eyes that had no idea I would kill them, eyes that knew they loved me. Their kittens had been born in my bed, they trusted and had boundless faith in me, they were happy only with me and in my house, and I had beaten them to death in a mail bag, like vermin. That they had brought me songbirds, or baby quail, or pheasant chicks, or little rabbits, was something they could not help doing because they were showing off their prowess, giving me a gift of their prey, and if that were so, then I should have had them shot, a game warden or a hunter should have come, someone other than me should have killed them. Thus I was guilty, not because I had beaten them to death but because I had murdered love. That was my sin.

come to my blog!these questions and images came to my mind during those sweat-soaked mornings, and even before the sun came up and the sky grew clear, my feelings of guilt were intensified when i wondered at my audacity in comparing the life and death of cats to the life and death of people. where had that come from? yet having realized that, my feelings of guilt for the death of those kittens and cats did not go away, because in the end i came to the conclusion that one cannot even kill a cat, let alone a person, with impunity, nor can one with impunity expel a person, let alone drive away a cat, without consequences.