Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter

Pinter & Martin Why It Matters #17

by Amy Brown

A startlingly large number of women who want to breastfeed have to stop before they are ready, leaving them feeling a range of negative emotions, including grief, anger, guilt, shame and frustration, and often blaming themselves. But in a society that places little value on breastfeeding and mothers' feelings, their painful stories are often swept under the carpet to the detriment of women's mental health and experience of new motherhood.

Professor Amy Brown, the author of The Positive Breastfeeding Book and Breastfeeding Uncovered, has researched what breastfeeding really means to women, how they can feel when things don't go according to plan and, importantly, how we can change things for the next generation of women. Her findings make fascinating reading for anyone with personal experience of breastfeeding difficulties, those who support mothers to make infant feeding decisions that are right for them, or those who simply want to be part of changing the conversation.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting

152 pages, Paperback

Published December 5, 2019

Reviews

[Kate Davies · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an absolute gem of a book. I found it rather bittersweet. I felt like someone understood how I’ve been feeling I discovered that I wouldn’t be able to exclusively breastfeed my daughter. I also found I needed to pause as it brought a lot of those feelings back. I kept thinking “that was me!” as I read others stories. The guilt using formula to top up, the shame when I was told ‘fed is best’ but was also being told the importance of breastmilk on her immune system and growth. The thoughts that I was broken and had failed which began when we had to take our baby to emergency because she had lost so much weight and was unwell and hungry. The pain when others could do what I had failed to (which unfortunately still gets me now). Not knowing why I couldn’t but also not knowing where I fit as I pumped for 8 1/2 months and topped up with formula. (Was I even breastfeeding?) This book highlights that these are not problems with the individual, but with a system that fails to support breastfeeding.
I would highly recommend this book to anyone that didn’t get the journey they imagined.

[Jinna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked up this book when I had to quit breastfeeding for a couple days because the nipple and breast pain was 100 times worse than the c section I just had. Although eventually I did pick it back up, those first few weeks were some of my darkest days.

And this book lists almost all the reasons why and reading of other mothers’ similar testimonies felt so validating.

The lack of two things in particular enrage me the most because unlike blaming the patriarchal culture, these two things seem so tangible to me:
1) better breastfeeding education
2) paid maternity leave

How can two such obvious things be done so badly here in the US?! It continues to boggle my mind and boil my blood.

[Avery Shrader · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book sucked ass. I thought it was supposed to be helpful and healing? It was just another way of feeling guilty for not breastfeeding, but this time backed by science instead of just my late night thoughts. The only semi-helpful thing was the quiz that confirmed I experienced complex trauma from not being able to breastfeed. Maybe if I get my money back from purchasing this stupid effing book, I can pay for one minute of therapy!!

[Ashton Trimble · Rating 4 out of 5]

[Read for a course]

[Britt Adams · Rating 5 out of 5]

a beautifully written book that validates the grief mothers who can not breastfeed feel. this book was well researched and written and reminds the reader they are not alone in a crappy feeding journey.

[Rehana Jawadwala · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am going to start with declaring I have been breastfeeding for the past six years straight, no breaks, no pauses and no sign of stopping anytime soon. Despite being on this journey for a while, I still struggle with my position on breastfeeding in terms of how this may be for other women. There are days when I want to tell everyone how fulfilling and amazing it has been and then there are days when I catch myself being mindful of the place other women might be on their journey. If breastfeeding is hard then talking about it and raising the topic sensitively is even harder. Prof. Amy Brown has shown through her handling of the subject, that she is a light guiding us in this conversation. I love her authoritative tone and how she weaves in a much-needed compassionate position into her work. This new book is no exception. In fact, I may go as far to say, this is her most delicate, nuanced piece of work to date.

In why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter, Amy describes the journey of breastfeeding from the silent voices that sometimes get drowned in the cacophony of views by breastfeeding enthusiasts and those who simply say, “fed is best”. Her acknowledgement that grief and trauma around breastfeeding is more important to identify, acknowledge and construct support around will be a lasting legacy of this book. This is one of the few books that deals with the women for whom breastfeeding has been not only a source of personal grief but also a breakdown of trust from their caregivers.

This book has helped me understand how over time messages that were well intentioned become a source of grief and even annoyance to so many women. The book expertly along with real stories walks the reader through the power of breastfeeding, why do women feel a deep connection with breastfeeding and how it is so much more than infant nutrition. The connection to postnatal depression is well publicised but the book lays out clearly how it slowly creeps into the lives of new mothers, particularly who did not find the right support at the point of need. This is a tragedy for us all in society. Mothers who are not listened to, belittled or even ridiculed have a voice in these pages.
I felt at times not being able to talk about my own breastfeeding journey without worrying excessively about the contextual element of my thoughts makes me complicit in the sad state of affairs we all find ourselves in. The final couple of chapters then, make it possible for all us to support new mothers whether we are professionals in the field, fellow mothers or family. I have found a new tone of voice, fresh and sensitive vocabulary, but most of all I found that I can and should participate in this dialogue and simply being quiet will only serve to perpetuate the misconceptions around breastfeeding in our times.

[Tess · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't often take the time to write book reviews but felt taking the time for this one may be some small way of making a difference to how breastsfeeding grief is understood and accepted. This book is an absolute gem. As a postpartum doula, lactation counselor and mother there were so many moments (paragraphs) that I wanted to cheer through. This book is real and it is raw. It uncovers the realities that far too many breastfeeding parents are facing: A system that is not supporting the wish they have at their very core to breastfeed. A system that dismisses challenge and sees bottle feeding as a simple solution without recognizing that breastfeeding is about so much more than nutrition for some families. A system that does not allocate the time and resources required to overcome challenges. A society that does not hold space for those grieving when their feeding journey does not go as planned. And a system that is not preparing anyone for the realities of feeding a baby with our body. A world that constantly repeats that breastfeeding is best but doesn't tell us how hard it can be and provide solutions and support when the hard feels unmanageable. Just an all around beautiful and necessary book.

[Robin Blake · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enlightening. It's shameful that the only knowledge anyone really knows of breastfeeding is when there's a problem with it, or when you've had a baby. The information in this book should be baseline knowledge in the healthcare industry and its influence should be accurately delivered to the public. It is not an excuse how ignorant we are (I have been) about breastfeeding. As a father, I feel like this has supported me a lot with understanding my what my wife and child have gone through.

[Emily Almacddissi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a validating book on an understudied, under discussed, and under supported area of women’s postpartum emotional health. So many things I struggled with were put into words & my takeaway is that everything I experienced during my difficult breastfeeding journey made sense. Breastfeeding grief and trauma absolutely matters!

[Danna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic. Not only was it informative it was the most healing thing I’ve read over the grief I feel over not meeting some of my breastfeeding goals.

[Taylor Jensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 ⭐️

[Robin · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is more of a sociology book than a support book.

[Emma Rosen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fantastic book highlighting the importance of women's feelings about when a biological function of their bodies doesn't go to plan. This book is the result of research conducted by Amy Brown over two years and uses stories from 2000 women. The points made are accompanied by relevant quotes and, of course, backed up by the literature. This book goes through the feelings that some women express, how those fit with trauma and grief and then what can be done about it. It's a quick read but massively poignant in bringing awareness to the fact that women feelings of loss, anger, pain etc cannot be negated and that societal change is vital. Disclaimer - I was sent a review copy of this book - thank you!