edit: 11/25, reread 4+ years later for a paper on fat rep in YA for my children’s lit class. this book was painful to read because i do not know i related so heavily when i was 16 omg 😭. it was hard for me to appreciate again but i kept reminding myself that it was exactly what i needed at the time. still so thankful for crystal maldonado and her books!
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do you ever just say fuck it and post the entire rambly review that you wrote late at night?? anyways, vulnerability:
“shoulders back. head held up high. fat, beautiful body and all.”
this book!!!!!!! charlie vega was honestly a book that hit so close to home. i feel like i’ve posted quiet a few reviews lately where i say i felt seen, but this book wins. this book was everything i needed it to be, and though it was quite painful to read at times, i smiled so much. charlie is a fat teen, like me. she’s fat, and immerses herself in the fat positive community, but she struggles to actually think highly of herself even as she praises other beautiful fat bodies. she wants to find love, and dreams about the day that someone will see something in her.
charlie’s voice as a fat teen girl is why we need more fat main characters. there were small scenes, like when charlie was shopping with a friend and didn’t have the confidence to tell her friend that nothing at the store could fit her. i can’t tell you how much i related to her. the way crystal maldonado captured this emotion perfectly, of knowing you’re fat and accepting you’re fat, but not being able to talk openly to anyone about it outside of your own mental space. there’s an unstated thing that outside of the fat community, fat is still an insult. it’s impossible to explain even to the people you love that you are able to accept your body. people think that by pretending they don’t realize you’re fat, they are doing you a favor. charlie’s discussion over her size with her best friend honestly made me emotional. or even simply the way that charlie was involved in the body positive movement, but still criticized her own body. it’s so easy to think other fat bodies are beautiful, but the way charlie faced internalized fatphobia when facing her own reflection i felt so strongly.
this book, though happy and smiley and joyful, was honestly quite triggering for me, simply because of how much i related to some darker parts of it. charlie’s mom pushes her diet culture and toxic/disordered ways of eating onto charlie, convinced that charlie’s life would be better if she was thinner. she thinks that charlie can lose weight through eating better and exercising more and that charlie wants to lose weight, inherently enforcing the belief that being fat is bad. it’s this insane fatphobia that wasn’t even blatant, just societal in it’s representation, that charlie’s mom pushed onto her daughter. while reading charlie struggle with herself because just as she started feeling confident, her mom’s words would backfire her progress, i was like…. fuck. i’m trying so hard to not get too vulnerable, but like i said, like charlie, i’m a fat teen. and like charlie, even as i try to accept my body, i have a mother that doesn’t allow that. there’s this internal conflict that charlie faces between acceptance of herself and inability to due to manipulation and decline in self worth on account of her mom’s actions and beliefs. and i don’t think i’ve ever seen something so deeply rooted inside me this visualized before. even as i’m drafting this review in my notes app, i’m regretting accepting this and giving this part of myself to the world. if you’re reading this.. yeah. past jenn is crying as they write this.
the romance aspects of this book also had me feeling things. charlie wants love. she wants to be seen by others, and the prospect of someone asking her out is something she dreams of. it’s…. it’s this that wasn’t only a beautiful journey of self growth throughout the story, but is evident of her need for validation that is lacking in her own perception of herself. as a fellow fat girl, i get this. i… yeah. i may be jumping to conclusions with this point, and maybe i’m talking more about myself than about charlie, but her reaction when she first gets asked out by a crush of hers speaks a lot to this. inherently, there’s an idea that we’re less worthy of love. that nobody wants us. charlie’s understanding of her value as a human being who deserves respect was beautiful. besides perspective on romance, the overall main romance itself was so amazing. sometimes i forget the value of young adult romance plots, and this just had me so happy. it’s honestly a pretty minor point in the story, and yet i was so happy for charlie.
charlie’s one of those characters who is impossible not to root for. it’s impossible to not want to love her and hug her and she’s one of those characters that i completely wish was real because she’s so damn cool. i’m literally getting emotional talking about her and i’m literally starting to cry while i type this so maybe i’m just being weird but this book was what i needed. charlie is what i needed. i would give my life to hug charlie vega. literal tears rolling down my face rn. literally. i really need some sleep (future jenn: i was writing this at 10:30 pm so)
content warnings: fatphobia, mentioned death of a parent, mentions of sex, underage drinking, racism, a strained relationship with a parent, diet culture, emotional abuse + manipulation