How Now, Butterfly?: A Memoir Of Murder, Survival, and Transformation

by Charity Lee

Losing a young daughter to murder is the worst nightmare that a mother could possibly imagine, but what if the killer was her son? Charity Lee was thrust into this unimaginable situation when her 13-year-old son Paris murdered her beloved 4-year-old daughter, Ella.

Charity goes through intense grief at the loss of her daughter, while at the same time trying to understand why her son would have done something as horrific as this, and how she could have missed the signs that Paris was a true psychopath.

While barely holding herself together throughout her intense grief, Charity is still a mother and feels a need to advocate for her son to receive appropriate treatment while incarcerated, while at the same time trying to ensure he stays in prison so he can never hurt someone again. Charity still loves her son and craves a connection with him despite all he has done. Because of her experiences, she rebuilds her life and starts a non-profit to help other families of victims, as well as offenders.

This book is a meditation on grief, loss, and forgiveness unlike any other. It's also an inspirational story of a true survivor. Well-written and haunting HOW NOW, BUTTERFLY? is a book that no reader will soon forget.

Genres: True Crime, Memoir, Nonfiction, Crime, Audiobook, Survival

306 pages, Kindle Edition

Published January 14, 2020

Reviews

[Barb · Rating 1 out of 5]

Terribly written and poorly edited. Really unpleasant to read one narcissist writing about the failings of other narcissists in her life without acknowledging her own flaws and continuing to portray herself as the victim. Right down to the bitter end when her son attempts to ask her not to put him in the middle of her disagreements with her mother (parenting 101. Kudos to him for recognizing and requesting something healthy) and she outright denies this request.

The lingering question in my mind, throughout the entire read: why don't we hear more about this babysitter that was "sent away" by a 13 year old child on the night of the murder. Oh right, because there never was one.

[Kristin Andolfo · Rating 1 out of 5]

This should be called “Wishes and Lies I Tell Myself While Drawing From My Trust Fund and Fucking Up At Every Turn and Never Learning From My Mistakes”.

[Mrs. Read · Rating 2 out of 5]

I like true crime books and am inexplicably attracted to memoirs about/by a person who experienced a psychotic break. How Now, Butterfly purports to be such a book; in fact it is a book-length account of the author’s navel-gazing. This boozing druggie promiscuous mother’s primary reaction to the vicious murder of her pre-schooler and the lifetime imprisonment of her middle-schooler is "why would such terrible things happen to me?" Sympathetic readers will be happy to know that she ended up having yet another child by - wait for it - yet another guy. Since she loves holding and playing with babies, what could possibly go wrong?

[Jackie Weiler · Rating 5 out of 5]

I watched the documentary "The family I had" and was alerted when this book was released and being written. Charity's journey to forgiveness both for her son for murdering her youngest child just to punish her, is amazing. She also struggles with forgiving herself for not being there when this happened and missing the signs that her son was possibly building up to this. So far this book has taken me on all the highs and lows of a mothers journey like this. Loosing your children this way is more horrible than anything I could have ever imagined. Her son intentionally did this to punish her. And now her journey is forgiving him. She has gone through every emotion known to humans. So far this book is touching, moving, heart breaking and has extracted many tears from me. My heart is gutted for this woman and everything she knows now is shattered. If you are looking for a book to make you think outside the box and really make you feel and tap into your emotions that you didn't even know you had, I strongly suggest this book. Charity Lee is an inspiration. Is she a perfect mother? No. Is there such a thing as the perfect mother? No. But Charity posses the one thing that not a lot of people do. She is striving to make sure her son is cared for even in prison. That he isn't lost in the system. Whatever illness he has mentally that made him commit such an act he gets the help he needs and that the system that is known for punishing hardened criminals does not loose sight of the fact that this man once a boy needs help.

[Becky Jo]

I’m not understanding how no one is connecting the dots on this. Her own mother probably killed her father (her smiling says it all) and she is probably an undiagnosed psychopath. Hence, do you really think that would never be inherited by her child’s son. That’s just a fucked up family. Getting money to profit off your sons mental illness is sick in itself. The whole
thing is messed up.

[Serenity Magne Grey · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't know how I feel about this book. I desperately wanted to love it given that I've seen the documentaries and have a lot of respect for the way in which Charity continues in the face of adversity, but equally, this book was emotionally draining and left so many questions.

I feel like I read the journal of somebody displaying borderline personality traits and at points I feel Charity hasn't really resolved her issues with substances given how much she drinks (by which I'm not faulting her, most would!) This book just became so draining I was rushing to finish it to breath.

It skips from happy to sad so frequently that I felt like shaking the book. Her ex-partner Nic, literally one chapter would be the relationship has ended and the very next few days would be they are getting married.

I did really enjoy the first few chapters of this book but overall it made me feel like there was an awful lot of moaning. The emotional states were hard work. However, Charity does write beautifully regardless of mood and I need to remind people that it's a journal and not a story of the traumatic situation. I don't think I cpuld read it again though sadly.

[Lynn Price · Rating 1 out of 5]

A horrendous tragedy, in a stunningly dysfunctional family. Not the least dysfunctional of the group being the “author”. It is all so heartbreaking, yet reading the ramblings of a narcissist is tedious and far from enlightening.

[Melissa B · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a raw emotional journal of this author’s journey through an unthinkable fact of her life.

[nishi · Rating 3 out of 5]

this lady fr got problems

[Ocean · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a book! This is mainly journal entries from Charity Lee from after the murder of her little girl Ella at the hands of her son Paris. This woman has gone through the unthinkable and as you would expect there is some repetition in this book as she tries to navigate her grief as best as she can but nonetheless it's always insightful and deeply honest. Charity's writing is clear and straight to the point but it gave me a general feeling of peace and even spirituality. The woman almost seems guided by an invisible force and her acceptance and courage are nothing short of astonishing.
I'm not sure what more to say besides that this book is tribute to resilience and love. Your heart will break for this family but their story will also give you hope.

Although the last "chapter" catches us up on what happened next, I wish the journal entries hadn't ended so abruptly. I still have a lot of unanswered questions about the case but this is not what it's about I suppose. Overall I thought this was a fantastic memoir, very raw. Hard to read at times but a book I just couldn't wait to pick up again!

[Fyre · Rating 2 out of 5]

Repetitive. I get it’s a journal and you will go through many of the same emotions repeatedly after such a tragic event, but it from a readers perspective it could have been whittled way down. I was most surprised to see that she didn’t express any guilt, never took a deep dive to explore if her parenting could have been a factor, never spoke much of her mistakes. I’m certainly not saying she caused this, but it shocked me that she didn’t at least even think about it. She didn’t even spend much time exploring the revelation that her son had been abusing her daughter for two years prior. It just felt off.

[Cierra Dumas · Rating 3 out of 5]

I e-read this book. I chose to read this book bc I watched the Amazon prime documentary that this book is from at least twice now bc it’s soooo intriguing. It’s intriguing bc if I were in Charity’s shoes I’ll not sure what I would do or how I would feel. The book is from her perspective and is her journal that she had started just before the tragic events occurred. It’s made me kind of want to keep a journal.

[Elaine and Tess the Springer. I won’t be on GR for a bit. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent.

A heartbreaking true story that has been taken from the author's diary. I can't even begin to imagine how Charity has and is feeling, it's a terrible shocking and disgusting thing to go through and yet she survived with no help from any of her family or anyone on the outside. I loved it and I think it's well-written and the fact that it is from her diary makes the reading of it a little bit different.

[Angie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is 2 1/2 stars rounded up. I really wanted this to be better but it just wasn't great. I watched the documentary "The Family I Had" and was interested in finding out more but this book didn't give me that. I found out way more by Googling than by reading this memoir which was just diary entries that said the same things over & over.

[Klaudia · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting read, however I do believe there was too much about charity herself and not enough about Paris.

[Jodell · Rating 1 out of 5]

When I was a kid, I was at an amusement park and I rode my very first roller coaster, I'm thinking as the roller coaster goes up slowly, this is not so bad ok. But then out of nowhere we swerve to the left to the left, to the right to the right, then straight down. I felt anxiety, panic, fear, terror, I wanted to throw up. I prayed to a god that I didn't believe existed. Please get me off this thing dear lord and I promise never ever to get on a roller coaster ride ever again.

Until I read this book and I was back on that roller coaster. I can't for the life of me understand why this woman would:
1. think her son could ever be reformed
2. not recognize the signs any signs when he tried to stab her/he went to a mental institution at 12
3. realize her mother was a psychopath also/apparently her mother killed Charity's father
4. Realize she had or has many mental health issues herself
5. How could she be a domestic violence advocate when she pulled a gun on her 22-year-old lover?

Every chapter was I love my psychopathic son who raped and murdered my four-year-old daughter, the next chapter she hated him. Same cycle as with her mother. I watched the documentary "I once had a family", based on the story. I saw the son with his cold dark eyes and devoid of emotions stare being interviewed by Piers Morgan.

I hope she finds peace with her new son Phoenix and dose not try to make her son Paris in prison have a relationship with Phoenix because if she does. That little boy will be murdered to. You just can't save some people even if they are family. You can't. You can miss what you thought you had. She thought she had a normal son but if she would have been paying attention maybe checking on what Paris was doing on the computer, and noticing what kind of books he read, and saw something was not quite right and that her daughter was being molested all the while before he killed is beyond my comprehension.

Then was really kicked it for me is she was so messed up and decided she should foster a child or be a foster parent. WTF, how could she foster a child when she was such a mess. Thats how foster kids get into an even worse mess than where they came from to begin with.

I'm not saying what happened to her is not horrific and sad, and terrible, I'm saying maybe she hadn't or ever will recover because who can recover from what happened to her little baby girl. I give one star for her beautiful daughter and hope her third child will not have to endure any of her pain or past. But I have a funny feeling this boy is going to go on a roller coaster ride with his mother. I really do. Even if he doesn't want to.

I really wish I just ended this story with the documentary and left it at that.

[Lynda Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This sounded a most intriguing tale and it really is but I'm amazed she managed to get through it in one relative piece !! I have no kids so for me her love still for her murderous son I just couldn't get my head around, which made it hard-going for me a lot of the time. I'd have chopped him straight out of my life, I'm afraid. Paris should be counting himself effing lucky she hasn't given up on him, though....
Her mother is a nightmare as well and really seemed to take her son's side in ensuing years. You'd imagine she'd have wanted to work harder on her relationship with her own offspring after what she'd already managed to put her through as a kid !!
Much of it is very repetitive but then we're living events as she is journaling them so her days are obviously going to be up and down......I would love to have learned if she worked things out with her Nic at the end but since he wasn't mentioned in the epilogue, I am assuming not. I really hoped they'd patch their differences up in the end......
The book's synopsis details all the causes, etc. Charity's been working with but we didn't get to learn as much about these as I'd expected. I was interested to learn how she dealt with Death Row inmates, for example, but no mention was made in the actual book.
I did laugh at her writing at times as she writes how I speak and she obviously must do, too. Nothing much filtered or held back !!
One passage she wrote about the brother and sister's first encounter had me sobbing....it was so horribly sad.
There are some errors here and there like the odd word dropped from a sentence, or misplaced apostrophes, and some title headings suddenly seemed like subheadings when they weren't, so it lost something in its final formatting, I think. Lightening was written and not lightning, complimented not complemented and straightjacketed not straitjacketed. I think the heading of August 31st 2009 should be August 21st, too.....as we went back to the 28th in the next chapter.....
I hope her son doesn't get let out as she's well aware he'll never change so woe betide anyone he encounters should they let him, but they do it all the time !!

[DianeFirstLadyFMD · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book !

I don’t know how Charity does it after all that monster has done to her, her daughter and still be able to see him not sure if I’ll be able to do the same. I hope he stays lock up for the rest of of he’s natural life cause if he don’t they will be more added to this story more chapters to a book. Psychopath don’t change they learn to adapt and hide the monster well. He is a sexual deviant child molester. Change your son Phoenix and you identity so he won’t find you when ever he does get out run run your love is not enough to change him no matter how hard you try. I wish you well

[Mary Ann Bahler · Rating 1 out of 5]

Why did it take me a month and a half to read this book? Because it got boring and tedious. It was basically the same 5 days repeated. ‘Today is a great day. I’m finally moving forward!’ Next day ‘I want to die. I pray for death. All I do is smoke, drink, and pray for death.’ A week later, ‘I’m in love and can’t live without him!’ Next month, ‘He’s an ass and I have to let him go.’ And in between we get to hear over and over how she will love her son unconditionally despite what he did and the way he treats her. Wash , rinse, repeat. Probably the most monotonous book I have ever read.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was terribly difficult for me to read. I have worked with victims of crime for almost 30 years. The inimate details of the day-in-day-out ongoing struggles was almost overwhelming at times. All service providers and advocates know it’s there but being entrenched in it so personally made me confront an entire new layer of empathy and helping. I appreciated her being so willing to expose herself. It has and will continue to benefit those I am blessed enough to accompany for a short time on their personal journey and initiation into clubs nobody seeks to become a member of.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

How Now, Butterfly?

This one is difficult to rate due to the fact that this woman lived through her nightmare the best she knew how. I could sit here and say I would have done this or that but honestly no one really knows a situation until they are put in it. I have watched interviews or her son, Paris, on line and I can say honestly that is is terrifying for me to think of him being released. Read and form your own opinion and watch the interviews.
Worth reading but like is said, you can form your own opinion.

[Sarah]

I did have to skim my way through the second half or so of How Now, Butterfly? by Charity Lee. It's a tough read, with heavy subject matter and no nice big bow to tie it all up at the end.

Charity's extensive journal writing does give huge insight into the life and mind of an average* woman whose child is dangerously ill.

*I do not mean "average" in any sort of negative way. Rather, she could be you, or me, or your best friend.

[Heather Keating]

This book was hard to read. The trauma was a lot to digest but I was left with a lot of questions. Where did she get all of her money? She didn’t work so how was that possible. Why were things bad with her mother? What was the determination with her son in court? I assume he is in a federal prison for the full sentence but not explained.

[Annie Booker · Rating 5 out of 5]

You'll find yourself horrified, saddened and heartbroken by what Charity Lee suffered when her son killed his 4 year old sister. But you'll find yourself uplifted and joyous as she regains her sense of self and her own life and finds a way to continue loving Paris, while helping herself and others.

[Nicole*bookaholic* · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is was one of the worst memoirs I have ever read. She is so repetitive. I have been through a trauma of a child dying and I get we all grieve differently, but there is something seriously wrong with Chasity. And in the beginning where she says her daughter asks if she looks slexy?? A 4 yr old? How the hell does a 4 yr old even know to ask that. I dnf this book. Absolutely trash.

[Paula · Rating 5 out of 5]

Haven't read it yet but i so can relate as to writing the book and advocate for mental health and Charity being so brave to continue on in life. I also encourage you Charity to value yourself and to receive each and everyday as golden. Paula from AU. Studio 10 watcher.

[Catherine Llewellyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like it.....

I wanted so much to like this book. I’ve heard the authors story before on crime shows and was interested to read more. I just didn’t like the style or the content at all.

[Nancy Jones · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was captured by the incredible story and journey this woman went through, but found several sections of the book to be repetitive and wordy.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Proof that the strength of the human spirit can overcome evils that not even the darkest of us could imagine.

[Alyssa · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an incredible (but awful) story written and edited SO BADLY. I have so many questions, none are answered, and it's a shame.