The World's Best Dad During and After Divorce: A Guide to Co-Parenting for Divorced Dads

by Paul Mandelstein

Whether sudden or years in the making, divorce can leave families with a lot of pain and uncertainty—and with the children in the mix, the stakes are even higher. Enter author Paul Mandelstein, the divorced father of four children and founder of the Father Resource Network (FRN). In The World's Best Dad During and After Divorce: A Guide to Co-Parenting for Divorced Dads , Mandelstein helps fathers (and mothers) discover a path to navigate the stormy waters of divorce and create a healthy extended family environment, guided by the principles of collaboration and cooperation. Packed with advice from family counseling experts, anecdotes from divorced parent groups, interviews with fathers, mothers, and children, and the author’s own first-hand experiences, The World's Best Dad During and After Divorce  is a realistic, yet compassionate approach to parenting during and after divorce. The user-friendly format combines bulleted lists with practical suggestions, exercises, and even sample dialogues that make even the most difficult conversations with children and former spouses more manageable. Most importantly, this guidebook empowers men to be the best fathers they can be: fathers who are present and accountable, loving and leading, competent and caring.

Genres: Parenting

208 pages, Paperback

Published January 5, 2021

Reviews

[Miranda Reads · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a heads up (and you all can probably already tell) but I'm not the target audience for this book. I don't have children, I'm not going through a divorce and I'm definitely NOT a dad.

So...why read this book?

To be honest, I was curious. I'm not a huge fan of self-help books BUT I like reading self-help or guidance books for people of all walks of life (bit of a contradiction, I know).

But to me, there's something inherently fascinating about reading about other walks of life and also I feel like there's a lot of growth that happens when you try to understand other people's perspectives (especially those vastly different from your own).

So, when I saw this book about divorcing dads, I just knew I had to request a copy.

And let me tell you, it did not disappoint.

This book focused on how to guide dads through a tough divorce.

It starts with the breaking point - that moment where you realize that things just cannot work the way they were and that the only way to move forward is to go apart. The book discusses the best way to explain this to the kids and how to move forward as parents (even if you are no longer a couple).

From there the book discusses the essential rules to facilitating a collaborative divorce (i.e. the golden rules of communication) before going into the To-Do's (i.e. finding a new place or settling into the current home sans ex-spouse).

Then the book goes into how to establish a routine to ease the separation, coparenting basics, custody and how to handle the emotional changes (i.e. the upheavals that come with divorce and birthdays/holidays with/without the kids).

And finally the book rounds out with a "where to go from here" in which it discusses how to keep things going and delves a bit into dating/second marriages.

I feel like this book does a great job of laying out the various steps in an easy-to-understand way - things are told sequentially and provide to-the-point instructions.

I really liked how the author had a mixture of anecdotes and sources to back up his assertions. And that he speaks from experience (the author is a divorced father of four).

I also appreciated that he was realistic - after all, it is no secret that divorce courts have traditionally favored the mothers - but also the author provided many suggestions on how to combat that and increase your chances.

And above all, I appreciate how the book constantly focuses on the most important thing in the divorce - the kids. Not the petty ex-couple squabbles. Not the contentious in-laws. The. Kids. Everything in the book circled the concept of taking care of the children in the best way possible.

Overall, despite not having personal experience in the area, I do feel like this is a great book to read when you are going through a divorce.

With thanks to Familius for sending a free copy in exchange for an honest review

[Sri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fully relatable, and I would strongly recommend it to anyone navigating life as a newly divorced dad.

Thanks F.

[Sanjai · Rating 4 out of 5]

As the author summaries at the end of the book the basic rules for collaborative divorce are as follows:

-Remember to be nice: Try hard to be nice and polite . Mutual respect goes a long way towards creating peace.
-Esablish the 24 hour rule: insist on twenty four hours to think over any significant decision you're faced with.
-Spare the kids: Train yourself to never omplain to the kids about their mom. They should never have to make choices about their loyalties to you or your ex.
-Don't Burden the Kids With your Pain: Never release your anger or frustration on the kids. From the children's point of view, they need love of both parents.
-Third party help: Recognize when you are stuck and seek professional help when you are.
-Create clear boundaries: Draw clear lines about how you want to be treated and accept nothing less than that.
-Ask for what you want: Rather than being defensive or making her guess what you really want, practice saying and asking for exactly what you want. After putting out your requests, ask her to take twenty four hours to get back to you with answers.
-Let her have her way while not giving up yours: Search for ways that both of your needs or wishes can be satisfied. Sometimes this is possible by finding an alternative way of looking at the problem you seem to be stuck on.
-Listen to her complaints without defending yourself: Learn to be a proactive listener. Even if she is complaining about your listen without defending yourself, remembering that you do not have to agree with her view of you. Then, give yourself time to consider your response.
-Find ways to agree: Find things to agree on and constantly remind each other about these.
-Switchover day stress: It isn't easy for kids to switch back and forth between your home and their mom's. Yes, you'll be called "Mom" instead of "Dad" sometimes. And the kids will forget whose house rules they're supposed to follow. Be patient. And keep your sense of humor.
-Establish ground rules for meetings: meetings can be explosive, especially in the early days when tensions are high. When you must sit down to talk over difficult issues, go in with a clear agenda. Agree on special antidotes when tempers flare-leave the room to calm down, write out your thoughts etc.
-Make peace, Not war: Forget about proving who's right, who's wrong and who betrayed whom. Put your kids first. You can't fix the past but you can make the present and future better.

Its great advice and as a member of Familius a organization based out of Sangar, California the methods and suggestions may be helpful. The experiences utilized in the book are all preventable and sometimes its better to avoid these negative outcomes completely, rather than have to face them head on. Any divorced dad is already losing the competition for the world's best dad. A tough subject to write about, probably because the life change is one that should be faced in solace, Paul mandelstein writes with courage.

[Carol · Rating 5 out of 5]

The World Best Dad During and After Divorce is a wonderful book torecommend to parents approaching or going through a divorce.

I have degrees from I.U. in Counseling and did private practice marriage counseling for several years and I think this author is a winner. He divorced and has two children and the book is about how dads can still show their love not just by gifts but more by understanding what the children in the family are experiencing when there is a divorce. I salute the author for his sound advice.

There is a multitude of great ideas for dads, and moms here. I really like the idea of a Collaborative Divorce and if I were still in the counseling field, I would recommend it to my clients. It explores so many ways of handling communication with kids and spouses. My father and mother separated when I was twelve and I know my dad would have loved and supported in this book. He did not stop being a dad to me and my brothers when he separated.

My first marriage ended after nineteen and a half years after a separation part and my ex-husband did not maintain a relationship with our son and late regretted it.

The author discusses how dads can get around the awkwardness when they move out and how to talk to kids. It deserves an A+ in counseling ideals.