UpDating! How to Get a Man or Woman Who Once Seemed Out of Your League

by Leil Lowndes

Straight-from-the-hip advice on how to find, date, and land that special person In this follow-up to her international bestseller How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You , Leil Lowndes explains why, when it comes to the quest for true romance, no one needs to settle for anything less than Mr. or Ms. Right. Whether it's someone rich and classy, drop-dead gorgeous, with a high IQ, or truly honorable that a reader finds most desirable, Leil Lowndes shows how to weed out the frogs and find your own true prince or princess. Combining Lowndes's trademark wit and sage insights into human behavior with easy-to-master strategies and techniques, UpDating! :

Genres: Nonfiction, Audiobook, Self Help, Personal Development, Relationships, Business, Leadership

288 pages, Hardcover

First published December 1, 2003

About the author

Leil Lowndes is an author and internationally recognized communications expert who specializes in subconscious interactions. She has conducted hundreds of seminars in the US and around the world for major corporations, associations, and the general public, and frequently appears as a guest expert on national television shows and major news networks. She has authored ten bestselling books on communications — most recently, How to Talk to Anyone at Work: 72 Little Tricks for Big Success Communicating on the Job — and is published in over 26 foreign languages. She lives in New York City.

Reviews

[Veronica Scully · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wasn't even going to put this on Goodreads because it's super short and kind of embarrassing, but I had to come here and give it 1 star because it was *comically* bad. There is literally a tip in here about women smiling more, especially to men. The author's narration is also probably the worst I've ever heard. This is a 3 hour audiobook and I couldn't get through more than half of it.

[Richard · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book should be titled "How to be an A**hole". I honestly cannot believe that I actually finished it. If it was not checked out from the library I would have burned it or returned it.

As an actual review: There are some tips in here for making people feel more comfortable or open with you, however, most are here to try to trick people into giving you what you want, and that is how they are framed by the author.

[Charlene]

How to Talk to Anyone
By Leil Lowndes was an interesting read. Prior to seeing this book appear on my feed, I would have never considered it. However, I decided to give it a try, as I minimally enjoy self-help books. However, this book was no, How to Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Yet there were some good tips that could be helpful for a Middle School or H.S. Student for college or job seeking. As some may believe the current generation is lacking basic communication skills, with the overconsumption of social media.
Each lesson is short and easy to follow. Again, Great for younger folks or older who need learn to talk to anyone and can use 62 Tips for Big Success in Relationships. 😊

[Lexi]

Okay this is like manipulator's guidebook lowkey. And most of them are kinda intuitive. Like I am pretty sure I already knew it was good to compliment someone, but this nice reassurance at least, lol.

[Forrest · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is awkwardly comical! But to me, some of the "tricks" are also very useful and inspiring. I learned a lot.

Below are a few of my favorite suggestions from the author.


-Maintain direct eye contact with women, but not so much with men. Practice by counting the number of times they blink.

-Use good posture.

-When meeting someone for the first time, turn your whole body towards them and give them your full attention. Imagine they are an old friend.

-Find something unique about a person, such as something they are wearing or something about their hair. Use that as a conversation starter in the future. Wear a "what's it" or something unique to help other recent acquaintances to start a conversation with you.

-Before confronting a stranger, gather information from someone else about that person and use that as a conversation starter.

-When someone asks you a question about yourself, never give them a one-line response. For example, when someone asks you where you are from, respond with details.  This will help lead into further conversation.

-To revive a dying conversation, repeat the last item mentioned by the other person feigning interest. This will hopefully spark the other person to continue talking.

Increase your vocabulary. Find mundane words that you use everyday such as fun or smart and replace them with intelligent sounding words. Learn new words and incorporate them into your vocabulary.

[Brandon Hair · Rating 2 out of 5]

Short book with a few practical tips for becoming a more interesting and engaging conversationalist. I am sure most of the tips were great but unfortunately the outdated language, tone, and stories made this one tough to take in. To be honest, I was waiting for her to refer to women as dames or legs as gams. The overall tone made me think I was sitting in a cigar bar wearing my favorite fedora while listening to a lounge singer talk about her main squeeze between songs. This one could really use an update as it uses quite a few words with regularity that simply no longer mean what they used to mean. (I'll leave it at that.)

I listened to this one on audio which was read by the author. To be honest, the whole tone of the audio comes across as smug and condescending. She even roasts some of her own friends in order to make a point here and there. Unfortunate.

If you can get past the awkward word choice and dated anecdotes, some of the actual tips are pretty useful. Suffice it to say, control your face, take interest in people, and speak with confidence. Do these things and you'll be a winner! On the other hand, some of them read as straight up manipulation tactics. I'd try to avoid those. Good luck out there.

[Sara Schlesinger-Whittaker · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5⭐️ Comically bad audiobook delivery, dated, and a smidge manipulative, but it was so dang short and there were a few useful tips, that I can’t dismiss the entire book just because it felt like a slightly creepy networking book for business majors.

[Keith Book Korner · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very insightful book.. It’s a slow read if you want to get anything from it.. Great for people in business..

[Cynthia · Rating 2 out of 5]

I listened to it, and some of the things on here were good reminders. Keyword: SOME

[Lindsey Hileman · Rating 1 out of 5]

I’m shocked this book was published less than 20 years ago. The advice is suited for 19 century cotillion training, not real life businesses or social situations. And the “slang” the author uses (in earnest)? Boner = mistake. Puss = face. It’s not like I’m a 12 year old boy but can we all agree that common usage of these words has evolved (or more accurately, devolved) and these are dated and distracting references?

[Aulaire Schmitz · Rating 2 out of 5]

I did not care for this book. The title is misleading, being more about how to manipulate people into giving you what you want and less about how to have conversations with people you don't know very well. I'm sure someone would find a few helpful tips, but overall, this book felt like a really outdated and patronizing excuse for the author to name drop and show off how fabulous her life is.

[Anna Marie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is more about how to manipulate people into liking you, which, call me crazy, is weird.
There were some good tips, none which I can remember, but reading this was just so off putting. I would only recommend this to business majors because manipulation seems right up their alley ! <3

[Bethany · Rating 1 out of 5]

Hilariously bad, especially the audiobook version.

[Julie Brough · Rating 1 out of 5]

There's not much more that I can say that other one-star reviews haven't. I can summarize the book for you: here's how to absolutely be anyone but yourself while manipulating everyone around you. By far the worst book I've ever read. I cringed through the whole thing. My next TBR is at an unfair advantage over others I'll read this year after reading this book. Don't waste your time.

[Madeline Taylor · Rating 1 out of 5]

My new year resolution includes reading more educational/“self help” books. I picked this one first because it was the shortest. However it was completely outdated and even tone deaf. I zoned out about 90% of the book. Not helpful at all. Looking into it, I think there’s an updated version so maybe I should’ve read that one ?

[Morgan Kruse · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting ideas but i’m not sure I would recommend it. This book has some interesting tips for being a better conversationalist and maybe for interviews and it wasn’t bad but not insanely you have to read this now.

[Zach Mullenax · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. I didn’t gain much from this book. I’d guess this was written for an audience that has very little social skills. The only thing I think I gained is some reinforcement of skills I’ve already learned through being social.

[Katharine · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was recommended in an NYT article, but I should have read the Goodreads reviews first. It is really corny at best, and weirdly manipulative at worst. Reached 77% and quit. But I'm behind in my reading goal so I'm counting it!

[Micki-D · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s actually really interesting full of some many tips. It’s not what I thought it was however I was looking for something to help me with speaking to others, this does that but it’s for people who are already comfortable talking to others.

[Starlightnb · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5..

[Kat Lokken · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was wildly terrible and has not aged well. Advising women to “smile more” with men was frustrating advice to hear.

[Hediyeh]

So bad. Should have checked reviews before reading.

[Bridget · Rating 3 out of 5]

this is a lot of info...i think i need more people to talk to to practice.

[Kristen Gregoire · Rating 1 out of 5]

Awful yet a short audiobook.

[Douglas Lord · Rating 1 out of 5]

Lowndes (How To Make Anyone Fall in Love with You) dubs the titular man or woman a "Royal"; while nabbing one is the goal here, avoiding the frogs that just might not turn into fairy-tale princes (or princesses) also largely figures. A crass, calculated tone of subterfuge permeates the portrayal of the Royal camp as a kingdom that readers infiltrate to capture a rich or gorgeous Royal. Disguise, fakery, and deceit (e.g., "diet and dress to disguise deficiencies") are nearly constant. Though 48 main points are largely fine (e.g., brains beat beefcake), Lowndes's tone grows wearisome. Readers may find the fatalistic "once a frog, always a frog" attitude demeaning; indeed, isn't everyone someone's frog to some degree? A much stronger choice is Barbara Dafoe Whitehead's Why There Are No Good Men Left: The Romantic Plight of the New Single Woman.

Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.

[Toni · Rating 1 out of 5]

The most ridiculous narration I have ever heard performed by an author. I could never take this author seriously.

I see there’s an updated version with 92 tricks and I can’t possibly think that she was able to come up with 30 more tricks.

The real trick is whoever is selling this and buying this…there are better books that cover the same material. In fact, watch YouTube videos that condense the info into truly digestible understanding.

AVOID this particular audiobook at all costs.

[K'Lynn · Rating 2 out of 5]

this was a silly book I listened to on audiobook on a rainy Portland Sunday. I got to about technique 15 and realized that they were going in one ear and out the other- literally!! So I started to write them down. If anyone knows the 11 I'm missing- comment and I'll add them to my post.

1. Smile
2. Epoxy eyes- keep your eyes on the speaker or the person you are trying to convince.
3.
4.
5.
6. Make people feel like they’re your old friend
7. No fidgeting or touching your face- this implies that you are being dishonest
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15. Wear or bring something that is a conversation starter
16. Never the naked job- when asked what you do throw out delicious tidbit
17. Introducing like a pro- send out hook to get them into convo
18. Be a word detective- listen for clues for a preferred topic
19. Swiveling spotlight technique-turn the spotlight on the other person
20. Parroting- repeat the other persons words
21. Encore technique- encourage others to retell a story.
22. Accentuate the positive- save your skeletons for later
23. Use the latest news
Talk Like a VIP
24. What do you do- not- How do you spend most of your time?
25 Personal thesaurus- use big words
26. You “firsty”- Start sentences with you. Ex; You are going to love
27. Exclusive smile- practice smiles and create a subtle repertoire greet each person with a unique smile
28. Jawsmith’s Jive technique- Use powerful phrases and phrases that have impact
29. Receiver’s Ball- deliver news as the receiver will take it
30. Thank You for……. Dress up your Thank You
Insider at Any Crowd
31. Scramble therapy- once a month do something new
32. Learn the jobilgook- Language of other jobs
33. Read their rags technique- turn to a new section in the newspaper or trade journals
Peas in a Pod
34. Copy their class- watch people and imitate the style of their movement
35. Echoing- use a partner’s language to echo words they are saying
36. Potent Imagining- invoke your partners lifestyle and use images they know a lot about
37. Replace um’s with empathizer- vocalize complete sentences to show you understand
38. Premature We- In casual conversations use “we” to create intimacy
39. Instant history technique- when you meet a stranger hold onto something that connects you forever.
40. Grapevine glory technique- tell someone close to the person you want to compliment.
41. Accidental undulation- slipping praise into the parenthetical part of your sentence.
42. The killer compliment- a compliment on a specific part of someone. You have beautiful teeth.
43. Itty bitty boosters- short quick kudos you slip into everyday conversations.
44. Knee jerk wow- quick as a wink compliment just as they are done with whatever they’ve done.
45. Boomerang technique- Accept the compliment and reflect it back to the giver
Direct Dial Their Heart (phone techniques)
46. Sound more exciting on the phone- talking gestures- turn your gestures into sounds
47. Name Shower- Use your callers name more often
48. Oh Wow it’s you- smile after answering the phone and you know who it is
49. What color is your time- Is this a good time to talk?
50. 10 second audition- confidence, clarity, and concise messages
51. I hear your other line- Acknowledge sounds in background, I hear your….do you need to attend to it
Breaking the Glass Ceiling
52. Lend a helping tongue- whenever someone’s story is aborted say to the person that didn’t get to finish their story.
53. Buried with them- when you suggest a meeting state clearly what’s in it for you.
54. Let them savor the favor- if someone is doing a favor give them time to savor their offer wait at least 24 hours to cash in on the favor
55. Tit for …..wait …….wait tat- don’t call in your tat too quickly.
56. Parties are for pratter- they are for pleasantries
57. Chance Encounters are for chit chat
58. My goof your gain- whenever you make a mistake make it a gain for the other person
59. Leave an escape hatch- don’t confront directly (faberge egg example)
60. Buttercups for their boss- send a compliment to their boss
61. Lead with praise after a presentation. Stay present your boss is watching your body language and notices who claps, gives a bravo, stands for an ovation, etc.
62. Great scorecard in the sky- people have an invisible scorecard and keep track of wrongs or rights.

[Jack · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened as an audiobook picked up from the library while hunting for short books to help me reach my annual reading goal.

The first couple dozen tips were good. Things like maintain eye contact and good posture. Some of them are obvious but are the type of tip that it’s helpful to be reminded of every now and again which is exactly why I like reading these self-help books. By the end, the usefulness of the tips diverged from “how to improve personal relationships” into something more like “how to manage and manipulate your business relationships for your personal gain”. “Always butter up the boss” and stuff like that. I’d recommend separating these two classes of tips into separate books. That would make each list more approachable (62 tips is a lot) and more applicable to the focused topic (personal vs business).

The best part of the book is definitely the amusing anecdote that comes with each tip! I have a strong suspicion that these were more often made up than not, but they were entertaining. In one, the author is a cocktail waitress on a cruise ship who hosts the guest-and-captain-meet-and-greet cocktail hour. She says she dreads this every cruise because the captain and his officers are rather boring and the guests do not enjoy themselves. Well, one night the cruise ship picked up an emergency signal. A nearby ship’s engineer had accidentally stabbed his eye during some engine maintenance! Without a doctor on board, they needed some help. Thankfully, our author’s ship had a doctor on its staff. They brought the engineer to the cruise ship and the doctor saved the man’s eye! In the next cocktail hour, the author asked the doctor to regale the guests with this story, and it was big hit! Not only did the guests have a good time, but she could tell the doctor did, too. The cocktail hours were much better after that. Do I remember what the point of this anecdote was? Nope! But I remember the story.

Another anecdote involved the author going to a champagne brunch hosted by a local elite socialite who also had a passion for collecting faberge eggs. Well wouldn’t you know, a guest tried to steal one of these eggs. Instead of accusing and embarrassing this guest, the socialite host graciously asked them if they wanted to see the egg sparkle out in the sunlight because why else would they have taken the egg? I do remember the tip associated with this story - always a give the other person a golden bridge to retreat on (which coincidentally is also a tip in Sun Tzu’s Art of War).

Anyway, 3 stars.

[Adriyana Grotseva · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wonder where the author got her insights and advices she is giving. There was no data quoted or references so I wonder how representative her advices and tips are. Some of the advices on how to act “rich” sound strange and also outdated (eg women should smile more). But in general the book is about advising women and men on how to get a rich, classier partner (supposedly not for gold-diggers but at moments sounded like it). The book goes over why we are dating “frogs”, how to find a gorgeous mate, it is all about location and that usually people end up together when they live close, how to get rich or “high-class” partner and how to act the part, how to get one-of-a-kind partner and last chapter discusses the topic of self-confidence. The main points from the book that made sense to me are:

Reasons you don’t date better people:
Fear of failure - instead of concentrating on all the joy and happiness that you will get from your new life with a better person, you concentrate on what you’ll lose if you aren’t successful.
Staying with the familiar - some people are so used to dating in the frog pond that it is difficult to jump out. Frogs are familiar to them, routine, comfortable, a habit.
Being emotionally needy - start by reaffirming your worth - list all the wonderful assets that you bring. Let self-love replace any craving for love from just anybody.

Pretty people like to be appreciated more for their other qualities than their looks. They like to earn your respect and admiration. Start supposedly oblivious to their good looks and let your affection grow gradually.
What determines your emotions are little successes and failures and little moments - joyful and sad ones, within whatever lifestyle you acquire and not the lifestyle or situation itself.

[Scott Robertson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good, if common sense, advice for successful conversations
There are many pieces of good advice in this book, such as being genuine (though many of the examples in this book came across as acting very disingenuous, pretending to more about something than you actually do or feigning interest), giving a person your full attention, and asking follow-up questions based on the other persons' words.

Many of the examples seemed to just add words to the book rather than being particularly poignant, but that could just be how I perceived it. I felt the book could have been presented in a more distilled, potent manner.

Part of my issue may be that I listened to this book rather than reading a hard copy, so I couldn't easily skip the fluff examples or skip to areas that are particularly relevant to me.

I did not find enough information/examples for professional relationships, though the topic is covered to some extent. I see that later revisions of this book added many more 'little tricks' - about 50% more, so maybe the newer versions are better/more complete for professional conversations.

Bottom line - it is hard for me to recommend this book. You can get some good info, but if you go for it I recommend getting the print version so you have it as a reference and can prep for situations as they come up.