On Forgiveness: How Can We Forgive the Unforgivable?

by Richard Holloway

"There is only forgiveness, if there is any, where there is the unforgivable." [Jacques Derrida] Using Derrida's provocative paradox as the epigraph and starting point for his new book, Richard Holloway tackles the complex theme of forgiveness. It is a subject that he explores from both a personal and a political perspective, but underpinning this examination is his belief that religion has given us many of the best stories and metaphors for understanding the act. He proceeds to relate forgiveness to such events as September 11 and the ongoing conflicts in Palestine and Israel, Northern Ireland, and Serbia. On Forgiveness is a discourse on how forgiveness works, where it came from, and how the need to embrace it is greater than ever if we are to free ourselves from the binds of the past. Drawing on philosophers and writers of the caliber of George Steiner, Friedrich Nietzsche, Jacques Derrida, Hannah Arendt, and Nelson Mandela, Holloway has written another fascinating and timely book. "Holloway's language and style are engaging, his research conscientious and his conclusions thoughtful and frequently wise." -- Sunday Times (London)

Genres: Philosophy, Nonfiction, Religion, Essays, Theology, Spirituality, Psychology

128 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2002

About the author

Richard Holloway is a Scottish writer, broadcaster and cleric. He was the Bishop of Edinburgh from 1986 to 2000 and Primus of the Scottish Episcopal Church from 1992 to 2000.

Reviews

[Chris Lester · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was loaned to me by a fellow teacher who hailed from Scotland, where Richard Holloway once served as Bishop of Edinburgh for the Episcopal Church. Holloway stepped down from that position because of doubts about his faith; he didn't feel like he could honestly continue serving in a position of religious authority when he wasn't sure if he believed what he was teaching. There is a level of integrity to this that impresses me greatly, even though it also saddens me a bit.

Holloway set out to explore the topic of forgiveness from a secular or post-religious point of view, and I was immediately curious to find out what he would say, since the whole idea of forgiveness is so strongly associated with religious thought and imagery. Is there any basis for the idea of forgiveness if we take God out of the picture? If so, what is it? Where does this concept come from, and why does it hold such power in the human psyche? Is it possible to embrace a post-religious, or pan-religious, theory of forgiveness that does not depend on divine command as its foundation? Is there even any reason to do so?

Holloway addresses these questions from a descriptive rather than prescriptive approach. He does not set out to tell people why they MUST forgive, but to explore the ramifications when we do (or do not) forgive. At the heart of the book is a quote by Jacques Derrida: "There is only forgiveness, if there is any, where there is the unforgivable." Holloway explores this paradox from many angles, delving into the probable origins of the human qualities of empathy, compassion, justice, and mercy, and how the need for forgiveness and the need for justice have necessarily evolved side by side. Along the way he draws on the wisdom of such diverse voices as Jesus of Nazareth, Paul of Tarsus, Friedrich Nietzsche, Sigmund Freud, Hannah Arendt and George Steiner. He uses religious imagery and parables but presents them in a way that is sensitive to a secular audience, and with context that even many religious readers may not have heard before. His writing style is poetic and deeply engaging, and puts me in mind of C.S. Lewis at his best.

This is a short book -- fewer than 100 pages -- but an intensely powerful one. For the non-religious, it is a powerful exploration of forgiveness that empowers the reader to think about it in a way that makes sense in a secular humanist worldview. For people of faith, this book reveals common ground on which we can engage our fellow humans who do not share our beliefs, but who nevertheless must share our world; and it shows how forgiveness has an inherent value for humanity, beyond satisfying the commands of God. I think that the book's greatest value, however, might be for those who have been raised in a religious life but subsequently lost their faith, because it shows a way to hold on to the best of what that faith has taught us within a broader, post-religious context that is not dependent on belief in scripture. I strongly recommend it for anyone who has never needed to forgive, or ever needed forgiveness ... which, of course, is all of us.

[Enyu Hu · Rating 2 out of 5]

100 pages of waffle to advocate for a position that could've been explained in a paragraph. compellingly written i guess

[Angus George · Rating 5 out of 5]

Is it easier to offer conditional forgiveness as a white man, when a large portion of history's atrocities were done either in your name or to your indirect benefit? Yes, of course it is.
That lens acknowledged, this book is perfect, and perfectly argued, and perfect especially for me in the hideous trawl of processing a still painful and abusive past relationship.

[Eleanor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short, but brilliant. Holloway is a theologian whose radically laid-back approach to Christianity I quite like (he describes organized religion, at one point in this book, as the rocket shuttle, and the values of love, forgiveness, justice, etc., as the payload, which is bold in that it suggests the utility of organized religion is limited and possibly has come to an end). This book is written “not in the imperative, but the indicative”: he’s not telling us to forgive, but examining the concept and the mechanism of forgiveness, that radical, insane, illogical form of unconditional love. I underlined loads and will be coming back for more.

[Geo · Rating 5 out of 5]

“As long as we go on denying that we have a problem with something that is actually disabling us we are not in a position to deal with it. The purpose of coming to ourselves and admitting our true condition is so that we can start dealing with the difficulty and stop running away from it. Repentance followed by confession is the sequence that opens us to the changing power of forgiveness. I, as the victim, may already have forgiven you and moved on, but unless you can admit to the trespass the value of my forgiveness will lie there like an uncashed cheque.”

Forgiveness has never come easy to me. I used to crave revenge for the greater injustices inflicted upon me, and it was only through years of therapy was I able to admit to myself that this would not neutralize or cancel out the harm (or change) it has brought my life. The smaller injustices, and there have been many, could all have been resolved with an open and honest conversation, with both parties being honest about their experience and the hurt they mutually inflicted, working together towards a resolution; This doesn’t sound like it’s asking for much, but if I’ve learned anything it’s that humans will do anything to avoid a hard conversation with someone they have caused great harm. Invalidation, redirection, projection– these are all the tools of the trade for avoiding accountability. And while I can confidently say that I have always advocated for accountability and mutual restoration, I have rarely received that back from the people I needed it most from. One of the most painful experiences in my life has been the years I worked through my unresolved baggage (much laid at my feet by the hands of others) searching endlessly for answers, only to find myself on the other side with this book in my hands, something that seemed specifically tailored to exactly what I needed to hear in order to forgive, and move forward. If I’m honest with myself, I needed to do the years of work in order to arrive at a place where I was ready to forgive, and that involved first going back and resolving core wounds that I have been avoiding my entire life. So much of life is unravelling what has happened to us in our childhoods, in order to understand our psyche and circumstances, and rise above them. This book examines the politics of forgiveness through a restorative justice lens, examining both acts deemed “unforgivable” and acts which feel unforgivable, and gives nuanced grace to both the person who is harmed, and the person who has caused harm.

“Is there some kind of universal awareness emerging here that by any calculus of revenge we would all deserve punishment for something, because we are all enmeshed in the web of collective guilt that history has spun round humanity? In real life, some are never punished, because they are never found out or because they are too powerful to be challenged; some are punished not for offences they did commit, but for those they did not commit; and some seem to be punished for no reason at all. The human situation, it is being suggested here, is so complex that it is impossible to apply a rational system of moral accountancy to it with any accuracy, so we should not even bother to try. Instead of laboriously working out the exact and proportionate revenge that is someone's due, we should refuse to get involved in the punishment process at all.”

This book did an excellent job at using parables to explain the process of repentance and forgiveness, and the necessary mutuality involved in the process of compassion. Forgiveness cannot be given out without an acknowledgement of the wrongdoing, and true closure cannot be found until both parties find compassion for one another. This becomes extremely complicated when the severity of the injustice deems a harm “unforgivable”. The author starts by showing the foundation to forgiving everyday harms, but slowly expands to show how difficult it is for greater injustices. What I loved about this book is that the author highlights how this can be done in theory, that we must first separate the person who has done harm and come to understand him, the circumstances that led to the injustice being committed. Abusers are often the abused who received no justice or support, so what does restorative justice look like for him and the person he has harmed? In this model, coming to understand the system and circumstances that led to a crime are just as important than the crime itself. If the victim agrees to meet with the perpetrators, and they seek true repentance, restorative justice can be found in whatever the harmed agrees will help them move forward. This is all easier said than done, of course, and each injustice and crime is hyper specific, each perpetrator and victim not guaranteed to be malleable to this process, or even if it would work. A big moment in this book is the logical and empathetic approach to how Israel and modern day Zionism has come about. How the irreparable damage caused to the Jewish people during the Holocaust caused their collective trauma to reach for somewhere to call home, which inadvertently displaced Palestinians and incited a war that spans decades. Because the Jewish people never received reparations or the necessary aid to balance the scales (how does one introduce an opposing positive force that overcomes genocide?), the pendulum swung in the other direction, and Israel has become the one to inflict the pain, with zionists unable to see past their own people’s suffering.

“Since I believe it is important for us to avoid any suggestion of coercion in this sensitive area, I think it is better to talk about the complexities of forgiveness in the indicative rather than in the imperative mood. We do not have the right to order people to act in ways of which they are incapable, such as commanding them to forgive. The justice and revenge impulses are strong in us and seem to be intrinsic to our humanity. Even if we can identify many situations in history where these impulses have trapped people in unending spirals of revenge, we ought to acknowledge that a primitive kind of moral coherence is in operation there that we should not be too quick to condemn, particularly if we have never lived in similar situations.”

This book advocates for radical forgiveness, in all things. The mutual coming together and process of understanding one another against all odds. A restorative, future-oriented solution-based justice. This kind of radical forgiveness seems like pure madness and against all logic. The author draws on examples of radical forgiveness and grace in the extreme in order to paint a picture. The mother who forgives her son’s killer; In her act of radical forgiveness, she activates the ability for her son’s killer to feel remorse for the first time. The parable of the Prodigal Son, used as an example of the lost son returning home and earning his father’s forgiveness simply by asking for it; This story highlighting how a vulnerable human moment can heal two souls in an act of repentance. The greatest cautionary tale displayed here is of the soldier who, after sustaining an injury and learning of his people’s great suffering while lying in the hospital, he turned away from understanding the circumstances that led to this and allowed hatred to grow in his heart. It drove him to enter politics. This soldier’s name? Adolf Hitler.

This book was transformative. I’m thankful that I read this now, when I needed it most. Had I come upon it earlier in life, its message would not have reached me, which feels like the greater theme at play here. It is not enough to hear the right words, they must be said in the right way, at the right time, from the right person. And there must be action. If the action towards compassion is not mutual, it must be taken alone. Radical forgiveness is something we should all aspire to, even when faced with forgiving someone who is not at all apologetic for the great harm they have caused you. Especially then. In order to close the loop, end the cycle, one must forgive against all odds. Against all logic. Not just once, but whenever it arises in him. In me. The innate desire for justice and revenge are human nature, but we can rise above our station the way human beings always have. A wound cannot heal if you keep picking at it. The years of invalidation may have caused me to feel the need to defend and justify my own pain and suffering, but that does not mean that I need to be married to it, to live there, to make it a part of myself. I choose to not over identify with the horrible things that have happened to me, and the things that have happened at my own hands. I own it all, but it does not own me. I am more than my survival, I am the things that I do to make my days brighter. I am the people that I love and have loved, and will love. If there’s something to be gained from this, it’s that I forgive everyone who has ever hurt me, and I pray that I have the lunacy to embrace radical forgiveness on my darkest days, when my mind and heart betrays me most. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation; for me, it’s about releasing the ties to people and energy that have been trapped inside of me. I forgive you means this: I release you. I release myself. It is about letting go of the past and embracing the future. The first step to forgiveness is understanding, and even if I am alone in this, I forgive it all. I forgive everyone who has hurt me, because I can understand them. Because I understand myself. I have finally learned the gift of forgiveness, of understanding someone who has harmed me, by learning to first understand myself. One can only love another when they love themselves. I am only now capable of this because I have learned to forgive myself. For the things that were my fault, but especially for the things that weren’t. It all seems so simple. None of us deserve the horrible things that we have experienced, and none of us deserve the horrible things we do to each other. I pray that this is something that I always remember, especially when facing the unforgivable. It is the only way forward. Finally, after almost three decades, I can forgive myself. And that has made all the difference.

“None of it can be undone, nor can it be appropriately avenged or made sense of. Only unconditional, impossible forgiveness can switch off the engine of madness and revenge and invite us, with infinite gentleness, to move on into the future. Until we can do that, we are exiled in the horror of the past, locked in the unspeakable nightmare. Sadly, unconditional forgiveness is beyond most of us, even though we believe it might be the very thing that could release us. It comes, when it comes at all, the way great genius suddenly visits us in extraordinary people.”

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated this work because I feel there is always room for books about forgiveness. Richard Holloway weaves his Christian pastoral background with his love of 19/20th cent. philosophy to create a tapestry of forgiveness for readers.

If someone is looking for a “how to forgive” book, this may not be the best option. However, it doesn’t hurt to read the book. Mr. Holloway is more focused on the idea of collective forgiveness than personal forgiveness, although he does touch on the latter.

One point I did appreciate is that you can’t ever tell someone to forgive. And many times a person (or community) is not ready to forgive. It is not something that can be forced.

He does state that not forgiving imprisons us in the past and robs us of the future. That is true from my own experience. I think also some of us have imprisoned ourselves for so long that even when the prison door opens, we choose to stay in confinement because that’s what we know.

A quick read. There are some very thought provoking passages that I will go back and pick out. This is a helpful reference for anyone who wants to learn to let go of the past, and step fully into the here and now.

[Alan Newton · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a very though provoking book that is well written, but maybe lacks more depth. It’s an easy read but I think the topics invite and require more philosophical debate. At times it also felt like there were too many quotations from other sources and not enough of the authors own words. Maybe that’s harsh but it was a thought I had on more than a couple of occasions. Overall though, it’s a book that is worthy of reading and pondering, especially to the sinister end and what we are left to ponder from what is, despite its sinisterness, a clever finish.

[Faris Alsaleh · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author starts his book with the quote "there is only forgiveness, if there is any, where the is the unforgivable". He states that he writes this book as descriptive and not prescriptive. Taking a secular stance to a usually religious topic is quite refreshing. He doesn't implore anyone to forgive but merely explains and describes this beautiful phenomenon. The ending also crushed me, I was not ready for that. A intriguing light read for a relaxing weekend morning. There's certainly some points he covered that needed much more elaborate debate but that wasn't the point of the book.

[Michele · Rating 3 out of 5]

This didn't read as well , for me, as Waiting for the Last Bus. I'm afraid my ability to concentrate is somewhat diminished at moment so that may explain my difficulties.
I suppose I wanted to be told how but that isn't what this is. An interesting and thought provoking discussion. We are all told to let things go but that is easier said than done and pressure to do so may damage the process.
The rehearsal of offences done to one is not unique which is in some ways is good to know.

[Leilani · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has some interesting discussion of unconditional/conditional forgiveness, however some of the long sentences and paragraphs meant some of the writing did the reading equivalent of going in one ear out the other. I felt it could have gone deeper, I would have liked some more specific case studies

[Natalie Tan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was exactly what I needed. I recommend this to anyone, whether religious or not, who feels trapped in a cycle of resentment and revenge against those who have deeply hurt and abused them. This lights the path to letting go and conjuring radical forgiveness, not for the person who has hurt us, but for ourselves, so that we can be free.

[Juliet Mike · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't fully understand all of the book so I'm afraid I still don't have a satisfactory idea of what forgiveness is???
An understanding that the trespasser is a product of their character/ circumstances?
A lack of a desire for revenge?

[Stefan Grieve · Rating 4 out of 5]

A clear, concise book delivered wisely, humanly and measuredly, this light (in many meanings of the word) book will add to your understanding and appreciation of forgiveness, and why it is so important.

[Darren Stallard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very beautiful and filled with grace. Hard to think of anyone whose character would not be improved by reading it.

[Julianna · Rating 4 out of 5]

warto

[Felicity Terry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though very much a book with the author's Christian faith at its heart this is what I thought of as an 'accessible' read; Holloway's secular stance of what is often thought of as a 'religious' topic refreshing.

Not too theological (though I dare say some would argue it warrants a more indepth philosophical debate) and certainly never 'preachy' ... at no point does Holloway ever insist we MUST forgive, instead exploring the ramifications of when we do or likewise don't forgive ... its ideal for both those of faith and those of none dealing with as it does the inherent value of forgiveness for all.

Copyright ... Tracy Terry @ Pen and Paper

[K M Laume]

Great little book about forgiveness friendly enough for the non-religious of us.
I especially found the last section good, which talks about forgiving moments and people in history so that we ourselves may be unburdened from anger and hatred etc.

[Linnea · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was initially interested in this book because I wanted to learn how to forgive others and let go of grudges I was holding on to and getting angry about. I assumed it was some sort of self-help book...but I was wrong. It is more than a self-help book. The author uses religious examples in his understanding of forgiveness, but does so in a way which does not limit the applicability of the book to Christians. His book uses poetry, historical examples to illustrate ideas around/behind forgiveness. This book is honest. Thoughtful. Optimistic. It helped me understand my feelings. I'm going to read it twice. It's a small book (92 pgs), but every page is meaningful. The perfect size to read twice. I'm interested in reading his other books 'Doubts and Loves' and 'Godless Morality'.

[Noelle · Rating 1 out of 5]

A long eloquent way to say forgive... 3/10 beans

[Tim Newell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest approach to a sensitive subject. I like his honesty about his faith and his interpretation of our understanding today.