Parenting an Only Child: the Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only

by Susan Newman

Is it possible to raise a contented only child? Can we be happy with only one child? The answer to both of these questions is a resounding yes.

In recent years, the number of couples choosing to have one child has risen sharply. Whether it's by choice or fate, having a single child presents unique considerations, opportunities, and advantages. Social psychologist Susan Newman, who has been studying single-child families since the 1980s, shatters the myths of the lonely, spoiled only child, and provides in-depth coverage of the critical issues

• Making the right family size decision for you

• Withstanding the pressure to have another

• Maintaining a balance of power in a three-member household

• Single-parenting the only child

• Setting boundaries with a child who is used to having your undivided attention

• Fostering high achievement, creativity, and independence in only children

• The effects of having parents, instead of siblings, as role models

• Confronting age-old only-child stereotypes

• Building family networks and other support systems for the future

Presenting fascinating findings and family stories, Dr. Newman shares her knowledge and gives down-to-earth advice, making this the most accessible, up-to-date handbook of its kind. For couples who are already raising an only child, or for those who are exploring the option, Parenting an Only Child offers encouraging clarity and singular insight. Now with a new resource section.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Childrens

288 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1990

About the author

Susan Newman, Ph.D. is a social psychologist, and the author of fifteen relationship and parenting books, including Parenting an Only Child , Little Things Long Remembered, and Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily and The Book of NO: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It--and Stop People-Pleasing Forever.

Reviews

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

True, this book may not help you with the day-to-day business of raising a child, but what parenting book does? In struggling with my decision to limit our family to one child, Ms. Newman's words were enormously comforting. The piece of advice that most stuck with me was this; the only reason to have a second child is because YOU want another child. There is no other reason. The idea that children need siblings is patently false and this book helped me realize that. We are very happy in our three person household.

[Annie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is helping me have healthier conversations with others who believe that I should not be satisfied with one amazing daughter.

[CS · Rating 2 out of 5]

Even though this book is called "Parenting an Only Child," only about a third of the book actually talks about parenting. The other two thirds givese justifications for only having one child. I suppose that would be useful for some folks who are having a hard time deciding or dealing with the issue, but I was looking for more information about the actual raising of my only.

[Christine · Rating 2 out of 5]

Convenience sample of affluent families, no comparison families. Most helpful advice was about keeping in touch with cousins so grown child will have someone to share memories with and about not falling into the trap of letting the only rule the roost. As other reviewers have said, too much space in book on decision whether or not to have more.

[Emslo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the beginning of this book, which later began to feel repetitive and too strongly biased toward the benefits of an only child family. Since this is a recently accepted reality for our family, I was glad for the positive light it sheds on only children and their families. It was an empowering and reassuring book to read, and would probably have some value to revisit in a few years again.

[Alyssabenner · Rating 2 out of 5]

I now know that only children will be fine and there's no reason (socially, etc) not to have one, but the author was too anecdotal and pushed having only one a little too hard in my opinion.

[Karthik · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed some reassurance that only child could turn out alright. This book interviews plenty of normal and happy ‘only’s, hundreds of them.

Many good suggestions on dealing with the challenges an only will have, Here is a quick recap of the tools to address those challenges:

For early lack of a sibling:
1) Set up lots of play dates with school / daycare « friends ». Go out of the way to create a dense network for her
2) Meet cousins etc as often as possible
3) Create additional figurative families. Close friends are « aunt »s and « uncle »s (a practice already the norm in India where I grew up).

For late lack of a sibling:
1) plan for your old age and death. She should be free to live her life
2) she may not have siblings when the going gets tough, but she could well have a loving partner, which is at least as good if not better.

For growing up too fast:
1) Let the only remain a child. Engage in play at her level, not yours.
2) Don’t seek perfection. Tolerate sloppiness.
3) Let her learn from her mistakes. Don’t fix for her

For being spoilt:
1) set limits
2) encourage sharing from early on, with friends etc
3) don’t overprotect. She must learn to fend for herself


The only valid reason to have a second is that you want a second child, and not that you want a sibling for your first. This latter approach will strain not only the marriage but also the relationship with the first child.

Towards the end, the author not only reassures that an only will be just fine but even tries to suggest that being better off emotionally, and intellectually, this could be a better decision than having multiple. I think that’s peddling it a step too far. Nevertheless, I am fully reassured and glad I read this book. What’s more, I have a toolbox to work with to ensure that the only has a sufficient proxy for a sibling in friends, cousins, relations, a well chosen spouse, as well as engaged and friendly parents.

[Tin ♥︎ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pros:
- Provides very good points and anecdotes about the merits of a single-child family.
- All-inclusive about issues like being a single parent, an adoptive parent, being one and done by choice and by circumstance, being a working mom or a stay-at-home mom, and more.

Cons:
- The part where it talks "how" to parent an only child seems contradictory. It implies many of the negative stereotypes on being an only is perpetuated by not having siblings around, but it does counter that this can also be brought about by the parent's parenting style.
- Quite counter-intuitive to advice on framing your mind to think that your only is one of three children so that you can be a more effective parent (??).


All in all, while it initially gave me mixed feelings about our decision to be one and done, the book was generally really helpful and insightful.

[Misty · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tried too hard to make its point. But it has helped relieve my anxiety about having an only, even if at points the enumeration of reasons to have an only made me feel slightly depressed. Yes I’m an old mom. Yes I care about my career. Yes I guess I’m as bougie as these other people.

Most of the advice was just sound parenting advice, with the urgency to really do it right because the only won’t have a sibling to lean on. I liked the advice that you should parent like you have three kids so as not to overdo it with your one.

I liked hearing from onlies too. This book was worth reading but was annoying too. Probably true of all parenting books.

[Viewpoints Radio · Rating 5 out of 5]

Only children have been regarded as selfish or spoiled. Research finds that children without siblings are actually quite similar to those with siblings. In this book, Susan Newman gives her advice to parents about how to raise an only child and helps them defeat the only child stereotypes. We had the chance to speak with Susan Newman on our Radio show Radio Health Journal about the challenges and triumphs of raising only child. If you would like to hear this segment, please check out this link! https://radiohealthjournal.wordpress....

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for anyone concerned about their only child growing up without siblings. This book dispels all of the generalizations about only children, challenging concerns about lack of social skills, self-indulgence, and loneliness in later years. Instead the author celebrates only children, outlining all of the assets they possess as a result of their position within their families.

[Ratnakar · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book would be great if you are still in the planning phase. The book is divided into three parts. The first part is primarily information.. boring. The second part is interesting and good advice. The third part is again kind of persuading you to stick to only. Boring again.

[Kristy Buzbee · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you can’t decide how many kids to have, this book might be useful. If you’ve already decided on one, don’t waste your time - this book isn’t about parenting an only child, it’s about deciding to have just one kid.

[Rebecca Rossi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book that solidified our decision to have one child! So excited for the future

[Meredith Ashford · Rating 1 out of 5]

No objective data to support "facts." Just a large collection of anecdotes and the authors random musings.

[Beatriz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although it’s a bit old, it still has good points for parents of singletons. Good to get certain attitudes reminded.

[ikinnosrekta · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gave good talking points about being one and done. But overall information was meh.

[Michelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this since my daughter is still an only child at 4.5 years and I wanted some insight to tackle any issues that might come from "onliness". The title is misleading - should be more about making the decision to have an only child and feel good about it. I thought that the book skirted serious issues by falling back on why it's a good reason to have an only child (finances, freedom to be you, career, etc). A certain class bias shined through in with remarks about how larger families are often lower class and prefer activities like cheer-leading and football (???) and only children prefer solitary activities like poetry and music making. That one made me laugh out loud actually. If you need bolstering for your decision to have an only child then this one's for you. If you want deep insight into raising an only child whether you have chosen it or not then you might put this lower on your queue.

[Jessorella · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book had an interesting premise and I had actively searched it out based on its title, but I did find that it was very much slanted towards parents of only children who had made a conscious decision to have just the one child. Throughout the book there are snippets from interviews with parents of "onlies" and they consistently said things along the lines of "we're so glad we made this choice" and so forth. Which is wonderful for them, but it doesn't help readers who have picked up the book because they have an only child and perhaps may have not intended to stop at one. This is just a small gripe, really, but it does reflect my opinion of the whole book because -- with the exception of one or two sentences about parents who have had one child and struggled to have any more -- it focuses almost exclusively on parents who only ever planned to have the one in the first place.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Only child propaganda. The author is almost pushy about how raising an only child is the only way to parent. The book was filled with first-hand accounts of being an only child, but rather than adding to the book, it was too distracting. Personal narratives were piled one on top of another. While the statistics were interesting to read, the book was far too long for the amount of actual information given. It wasn't a terrible book, but I wouldn't read it a second time, and I'm glad I checked it out from the library and didn't purchase it.

[D. · Rating 1 out of 5]

As the reviewer before me stated, hardly any of this book is actually about parenting singletons, instead the author chose to spend chapter after chapter telling the myriad of reasons why it was a good idea to think carefully before I chose to have a second child. If it had been titled appropriately and marketed to people trying to decide if they wanted to raise siblings, I would have never wasted my time attempting to read it.

[Shae · Rating 1 out of 5]

Bleh. This book seems to be written from the stand point of those who have one child by choice, and comes off a little defensive and exultant about it. I only made it about half way through before I decided I was kind of wasting my time. The best I got out of it was: 1.) Moderation in Parenting, 2.) Parent like you have three kids, and the rest is just common parenting practices that could apply to any situation.

[Ellen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Having grown up in a family of 4 children, I wanted to find a resource that would help me avoid any pitfalls of raising an Only Child. This book, unfortunately, was not the resource I needed. Being a parent of an Only Child was not a choice but a circumstance for me. Susan Newman speaks to parents who choose to have an "Only" letting them know that it's okay to do so.

[Alli · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good. Helpful information and anecdotal stuff on being and having an only child. Really interesting look at research, past and present, on only children and the stereotypes that persist. Nothing earth-shattering but definitely provided peace-of-mind and dare I say, ammo, for the ignorant comments people make.

[Kitti · Rating 2 out of 5]

It really was just okay. I was hoping for more tips on raising an only child and what I got was a lot of justification for having only one. I didn't need the reasons I wanted the more concrete what to do now.

[Holly]

Ok, I didn't read the whole thing but read what I needed to. Honestly, he'll turn out the way he turns out and I'm trying to make sure he won't be a loner, but otherwise I hope he'll just be a fun-loving kid and ENJOY being a kid, you know?

[Clare · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great validation if you have decided to only have one child, and thoughtful points to consider if you are still trying to decide if one is your magic number. This book made me feel less alone in my personal conviction that one child is the best fit for me and my family.

[Raving Redcoat · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting book for anyone parenting an only child. Newman does very well when she's debunking the myths about only children, but less well when she seems to be saying that single child families are somehow superior to multiple child families.

[Marian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good advice for raising a well-rounded only child.

[Cathi · Rating 4 out of 5]

A GREAT book...not a lot of pyscho babble ..just good info for a a parent of an onlie