Jump to ratings and reviews
Rate this book

Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: And Other Words of Delicate Southern Wisdom

Rate this book
Celia Rivenbark's essays about life in today's South are like caramel popcorn---sweet, salty, and utterly irresistibleCelia Rivenbark is a master at summing up the South in all its glorious excesses and contradictions. In this collection of screamingly funny essays, you'll How to get your kid into a character breakfast at Disneyworld (or run the risk of eating chicken out of a bucket with Sneezy)* Secrets of Celebrity Moms (don't hate them because they're beautiful when there are so many other reasons to hate them)* EBay addiction and why "It ain't worth having if it ain't on eBay" (Whoa! Is that Willie Nelson's face in your grits?)* Why today's children's clothes make six-year-olds look like Vegas showgirls with an abundance of anger issues* And so much more!Rivenbark is an intrepid explorer and acid commentator on the land south of the Mason-Dixon line.

284 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2006

70 people are currently reading
2923 people want to read

About the author

Celia Rivenbark

11 books462 followers
Celia Rivenbark was born and raised in Duplin County, NC, which had the distinction of being the nation's number 1 producer of hogs and turkeys during a brief, magical moment in the early 1980s.
Celia grew up in a small house in the country with a red barn out back that was populated by a couple of dozen lanky and unvaccinated cats. Her grandparents' house, just across the ditch, had the first indoor plumbing in Teachey, NC and family lore swears that people came from miles around just to watch the toilet flush.
Despite this proud plumbing tradition, Celia grew up without a washer and dryer. On every Sunday afternoon of her childhood, while her mama rested up from preparing a fried chicken and sweet potato casserole lunch, she, her sister and her daddy rode to the laundromat two miles away to do the weekly wash.
It was at this laundromat, where a carefully lettered sign reminded customers that management was "NOT RESONSIBLE" for lost items, that Celia shirked "resonsibility" her own self and snuck away to read the big, fat Sunday News & Observer out of Raleigh, NC. By age 7, she'd decided to be a newspaper reporter.
Late nights, she'd listen to the feed trucks rattle by on the highway and she'd go to sleep wondering what exotic cities those noisy trucks would be in by morning (Richmond? Atlanta? Charlotte?) Their headlights crawling across the walls of her little pink bedroom at the edge of a soybean field were like constellations pointing the way to a bigger life, a better place, a place where there wasn't so much turkey shit everywhere.
After a couple of years of college, Celia went to work for her hometown paper, the Wallace, NC Enterprise. The locals loved to say, as they renewed their "perscriptions," that "you can eat a pot of rice and read the Enterprise and go to bed with nothing on your stomach and nothing on your mind."
Mebbe. But Celia loved the Enterprise. Where else could you cover a dead body being hauled out of the river (alcohol was once again a contributing factor) in the morning and then write up weddings in the afternoon?
After eight years, however, taking front-page photos of the publisher shaking hands with other fez-wearing Shriners and tomatoes shaped like male "ginny-talia" was losing its appeal.
Celia went to work for the Wilmington, NC Morning Star after a savvy features editor was charmed by a lead paragraph in an Enterprise story about the rare birth of a mule: "Her mother was a nag and her father was a jackass."
The Morning Star was no News and Observer but it came out every day and Celia got to write weddings for 55,000 readers instead of 3,500, plus she got a paycheck every two weeks with that nifty New York Times logo on it.
After an unfortunate stint as a copy editor - her ass expanded to a good six ax handles across - Celia started writing a weekly humor column that fulfilled her lifelong dream of being paid to be a smart ass. Along the way, she won a bunch of press awards, including a national health journalism award - hilarious when you consider she's never met a steamed vegetable she could keep down.
Having met and married a cute guy in sports, Celia found herself happily knocked up at age 40 and, after 21 years, she quit newspapering to stay home with her new baby girl.
After a year or so, she started using Sophie's two-hour naps to write a humor column from the mommie front lines for the Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. The column continues to run weekly and is syndicated by the McClatchy-Tribune News Services.
In 2000, Coastal Carolina Press published a collection of Celia's columns. A Southeast Book Sellers Association best-seller, Bless Your Heart, Tramp was nominated for the James Thurber Prize in 2001. David Sedaris won. He wins everything.

http://us.macmillan.com/author/celiar...

Ratings & Reviews

What do you think?
Rate this book

Friends & Following

Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!

Community Reviews

5 stars
1,080 (28%)
4 stars
1,186 (31%)
3 stars
1,051 (27%)
2 stars
379 (9%)
1 star
113 (2%)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 435 reviews
16 reviews1 follower
August 15, 2007
Rivenbark calls herself a "Slacker Mom" for not taking her child to Disney World until after all the other moms had taken their kids. Woah, lady, you are soooo bad!

This book is overly precious, even for chick lit. The author spends a lot of time patting herself on the back for "telling it like it is."

All in all, it was just cute; I didn't expect it to be a great work of literature, but I had hoped it might be wittier.

It gets an extra star because the titular chapter is funny. But loses it again for not being able to come up with better portions of pop culture to lampoon than Britney, TomKat, and reality TV. And for over-using southern idioms, lest you forget that she is southern for a few sentences.
18 reviews
September 21, 2007
Warning: if you're into bashing fake people like the writer and I. I snickered a lot when reading this book. How I 'feel' for Celia's frustation seeing motherm dressing their six-year-old daughters like a skank. How I 'root' for her taking on the super perfect moms who know the details on successfully going to Disneyland. How I was laughing in tears when she tackle the my-child-is-an-allstater moms and just plainfully being a slacker mom (instead of soccer mom). Celia is hilariously funny, I must admit. But after a while, I grew weary of her rantings. Thirty-two short essays of bickering is too much for my liking.
Profile Image for Lindsey.
162 reviews
November 28, 2008
Meh. The funniest thing about the book for me was the sensationalistic title. It was quippy, the author was lippy. Yippy skippy. Bleh.
Profile Image for Kristin.
733 reviews93 followers
March 6, 2018
I LOVED this book. Rarely do I read a book where I am laughing out loud...not once...not twice...not three times....not four, not five, not six etc. You get the picture. In every single chapter there was something, usually lots of somethings, that had me laughing out loud and looking around for someone to share it with. This book is a quick read and written "blog style" for lack of a better word. Each chapter is short and hilarious. Celia Rivenbark is a humor columnist in North Carolina and I feel that if we met we would be best friends! :)
23 reviews
May 15, 2011
Rivenbark's tone was meant to be sardonic and honest-to-a-fault, but often comes across as bitter and overly defensive. She is funny, there is no doubt that her voice has a strong, Southern twang that leaps out of the words, but she focuses so much on what she is not (A Supermom, hip, into documentaries, young) that the negativity becomes very tiring.
There is a definite niche for these kinds of writings, and a need for it but Rivenbark's writing has become dated in just five years since publication. There are two references to Michael Jackson that had probably been funny while his trials were ongoing, but now that he has passed, just seem mean-spirited. There are also mentions of Hilary Duff, Days of Our Lives, and Paris Hilton, all three of which have not been part of the cultural zeitgeist for some time. And the most troubling part, much of Rivenbark's writing sounds lifted from mom blogs, which either speaks highly of Rivenbark's relatability or poorly of her originality. You pick.
Profile Image for Cindy (BKind2Books).
1,843 reviews40 followers
May 8, 2014
I love Celia Rivenbark! She always gets me rolling. This book of short essays focus on different aspects of Southern life - kids, husbands, celebrities, and other rites of Southern culture. The essay on obituaries was spot-on! Not to mention the visitation to the hospital. Lawd, I do know a few of these folks. And then there's her views on the food icons of the South, most specifically KK's - "Krispy Kreme doughnuts are the finest things on God's green earth." To which the proper response is a solemn "Amen, Sister!" I need to see if I can find Ms Rivenbark the next time I'm over in North Carolina so we can sit down and have a few (oh hell - just keep 'em coming) hot glazed KKs with a cold glass of milk. Heaven.
2 reviews
July 31, 2008
if i could give negative stars this book would receive -4.
against my better judgment i purchased this book out of the bargain section at B&N. in my defense i needed something to read during lunch, i figured it had to be at least worth the $3 i paid for it.
this woman has very few funny observations to make and unfortunately when something is genuinely funny her horrid writing style makes this book unbearable.
Profile Image for Misty.
20 reviews1 follower
January 8, 2009
Forced myself through all but the last 15 pages. Not funny, not witty. Something I could have written, and I am an awful writer.
Profile Image for treehugger.
502 reviews100 followers
May 24, 2008
Headed to the outer banks and hoping this will prove to be the quintessential rainy beach read, as the weather doesn't seem to want to cooperate with our vacation plans!!

Well, this book was exactly what I wanted - a fun read with plenty o' good ole southern humor. I think it's funny that she lives near me, in one of the largest (and yankee-saturated) metropolitan hubs south of the Mason-Dixon line, and still talks about how she lives in the 'deep south'. Probably my only gripe with this book!

Funniest line, "two words you never want to see together: President Brittney" :). Lots of pop culture references, "y'alls", and over the top southern culture lessons, but she really has a great eye for humor and pokes fun at the south and those both from and NOT from the south.

Worth it. Read it. I dare you not to laugh out loud :).
Profile Image for Tenara.
33 reviews
July 13, 2008
I want to meet Celia Rivenbark. I don't know how hysterical she is in person, but on paper, she had me cracking up. Her book is basically sectioned off ramblings about what she finds amazing or what she finds 'most unfortunate', as she says often. Actually, 'most unfortunate' is apparently the best way to describe something awful in the south. There will be a lot of southern witticism and lingo hidden throughout the pages of the book, but it only adds to the comedy. My particular favorite sentence was, "If you think that politicians aren't going crazy, try saying the three words you would never think to put together: Governor Arnold Schwartzenager."

I loved this book!
4 reviews
April 29, 2008
This is by far the funniest book I've ever read and would suggest it to any mother! A great read when you are TOO BUSY for a novel, you can pick it up and put it down when you need to. The chapter titles alone will leave you rolling on the floor! Loved her other book too, Were Just Like You Only Prettier! Southern Female Humor Rocks!
Profile Image for Kelsey  Baguinat.
452 reviews68 followers
April 30, 2009
I really wanted to like this book. I wanted something similar to Laurie Notaro, because her books are fabulously hilarious, but this one just didn't measure up. I just found myself rolling my eyes instead of laughing. Not good.
Profile Image for Tarrastarr.
48 reviews
August 2, 2011
i had high expectations for this book but early on i was very dissapointed. she went from sassy, to repetitive to downright insulting by the end of the book. i wouldnt recommend this to anyone. booooo...
Profile Image for Barb.
914 reviews22 followers
August 4, 2016
God bless southern women and their sugar-coated insults. I laughed along as Rivenbark vivisected her neighbors and family with their small-town foibles and foolishness. We all act like idiots sometimes, Rivenbark just has the charm and guts to point it out to us without being obnoxious.
Profile Image for Sheli.
61 reviews6 followers
July 1, 2008
This book was hysterical and refreshing...I was happy to know that I have a similar laid-back view of child-rearing...I count to three:). Thanks, Sareena!
12 reviews2 followers
April 8, 2009
Don't waste your money. This should have been hilarious... and it was such a disappointment.
Profile Image for Jessica.
221 reviews
May 18, 2009
quick read, chocked full of sarcasm, truths, and hilarious observations. ....looking forward to reading her other books.
Profile Image for Sarah.
328 reviews
January 3, 2010
Not really that funny at all. I was expecting it to be a lot more entertaining than it was.
Profile Image for Julie.
985 reviews3 followers
August 20, 2011
She just wasn't very funny. It was more negative Nancy than amusing.
Profile Image for Suzy.
466 reviews433 followers
September 5, 2011
I laughed out loud a few times, but it's not hilarious.
Profile Image for Lαυɾҽɳ.
184 reviews5 followers
January 7, 2012
It kind of was a disappointment. A some of it is somewhat outdated, though still, I guess, relevant. But the best part of it is the title, and you can read that part in the bookstore.
Profile Image for Kimberly Ann.
1,658 reviews
February 16, 2016

This is a good book about raising children in this century (not the how to kind)....

It is not as funny as I hoped it would be and sometimes the author starts on a subject but gets sidetracked and then goes to the conclusion....

I still don't understand (and I NEVER WILL) about taking a six-year old to Disney World for 5-7 days..... Just the thought of the expense for myself sends me into fits.

Some of the highlights for me were: ****************************************QUOTES**********************************

"Thankfully, there have been some improvements on the old Valentine system I remember from grade school, when the not-so-popular kids got five or six and everybody else got a whole bunch. It was a hateful little ritual that nobody seemed to notice was slap-your-baby cruel."

"Why does Paris (Hilton) want kids? 'I know that kids complete your life,' she said in an interview in People magazine. 'I think having kids will make me happier than I am. Plus, I already treat my three puppies like kids!' Yes, well, as long as you have a realistic notion of motherhood. The goal of any baby should be to bring happiness to his shallow-as-a-pie-pan mother. And if you can train that baby to eat on all fours from a Five-Hundred-dollar bowl bought at a Rodeo Drive boutique and shaped like a giant bone, well, so much the better."

"Ever since I gave birth, I've watched with a mix of horror and admiration those mommies who do it all. They work full-time, lead Scout Troops, and volunteer to host foreign exchange students. They exercise for an hour every day, shuttle their kids all over town, cook nutritious meals, and collapse every night for five hours of tortured sleep. Finally they've gone from a low hum of discontent to a full-fledged whine. And all I can say is this: It's About Damned Time. It turns out that 'Slacker Moms' like me are considered to be the ones who are truly mentally healthy---scary isn't it?"
Profile Image for LaDonna.
509 reviews19 followers
August 4, 2013
A funny, fun quick read - it was absolutely perfect for my day spent at the hospital for tests; not hard to put down and pick back up. Though being a Missouri girl it can be debated whether or not I can truly call myself southern, I've always been more a belle than a yank. Other reviews call the author out on some of the material being dated, but I had no problem with this (first of all, if you looked at the publishing date, I don't know what else you could expect.) I actually found these little trips cringing down memory lane an amusing stroll that was happily Kardashian free. Other reviewers felt the author tended to "overdo" her southerness; though there were times I felt myself near to agreeing, I really don't think she pushed it too far, and that this is much of the charm of a book of "A Slightly Tarnished Southern Belle's Words of Wisdom." Sadly much of what we would have hoped would be dated by now (most notably the title tirade) is still all too common. I found the author to be very relatable even if I am slightly younger than her (my musical sidenotes come more in the realm of 80's hairmetal bands) and overall it was a perfect piece of fluffy sarcastic fun for the time. It will be in the mail tomorrow to a dear high school friend of mine who grew up in New Mexico to find herself transplanted to Georgia and now mother of a toddler I can think of no better preparation for the impending preschool/elementary school mom crowd. I will have to search online to see if I can find one of the papers the author's columns appear in as I did really enjoy her style. Sure, it's no literary masterpiece, but just what I needed between heavier reads.
Profile Image for Jenn.
3 reviews1 follower
June 19, 2008
It's not often I find myself laughing out loud while perusing the first few pages of a book while standing in the store, trying to decide if I want to read it or not.

I found myself laughing out loud at several points over the two night it took me to read the whole thing. It's not a big book and it's not "classical literature" by any stretch of the imagination. But it's worth the read.

It's for all the moms who have experienced the road most traveled... from the four-wheeler trail that runs alongside it. Ms. Rivenbark touches on the humorous, finer points of traveling to Disney World, the wistful feeling of forever leaving the 4-6x clothes her daughter no longer fits in and the horrors of being in the hospital with a redneck woman as your roommate. Between these tales, she moves from story to story with a fluidity that belies her "I'm just a simple southern woman" wit.

The stories are told so that each of them could stand on their own. Her career as a columnist benefits her collection of stories very well. She reminds me of Dave Barry in her storytelling manner versus that of the stoic reporter who begs to be taken waaay too seriously while talking about Barbie and her friends.

I really enjoyed the book. I have already passed it along to a mom friend of mine who shares my sense of humor. I'm sure it will make the rounds of our playgroup before it is reshelved.
Profile Image for MissSusie.
1,562 reviews265 followers
July 22, 2014
I love love love this woman’s books her humor is so good! She just tells it like it is in the chapter for the title of this book she writes about when her daughter grows up from 4-6x to size 7-16

"There must be some mistake," I said. "These are, well, slutty-looking. I'm talking clothes for a little girl in first grade."

"Thats all we got."

"But these look like things a hooker would wear!"

She smiled sadly. "You have no idea how many times I hear that every day."


I enjoy the way she sees life and agree with her on most of what she writes, I wish I could put it as well as she does! She tackles everything from celebrity moms to the anti-carb movement to bin laden. No subject is safe and Celia Rivenbark will tell it like it is no matter who get offended and I love that about her, like she say I write a humor column not a news story.

If you enjoy humor (i.e. Dave Barry) or the wit and wisdom of your southern outspoken aunt this book is for you al her books are hilarious I highly recommend them when you are looking for a laugh and some light-hearted reading
4 ½ Stars
Profile Image for Stacy.
890 reviews1 follower
June 11, 2009
The author is a newspaper columnist and this book was released in 2006, so the references are about 5 years old.

Here are a few excerpts to show how hilarious this book was:

"I get it. Now that my kid is practically of child-bearing age (is six the new seventeen?) I must choose from ripped-on-purpose jeans and T-shirts that scream things like "Baby Doll" and "Jail Bait", not to mention a rather angry "Girls Rule and Boys Drool!" where an embroidered flower with buzzing bee should be.

When did this happen? Who decided that my six-year-old should dress like a Vegas showgirl? And one with an abundance of anger issues at that?"

"I made a little list of things I value that I'd like to see the politicians embrace."

"...Children who scream in public places for no good reason. If your kids can't behave in public, for heaven's sake do what your grandmother did, and give 'em some Benadryl. Hey, it's not rocket science. A sleepy kid is far less likely to have the energy to chase his sister around the Target rounders with a newly mined booger, as I witnessed recently."

Profile Image for Ciara.
Author 3 books419 followers
January 26, 2014
honestly, i think the middling score on this one is my fault. i just read too many of these "humorous essays"-style books & they all blend together. celia rivenbark is funnier/more talented than some authors i have read, but there's just not a whole lot that distinguishes one author from another in terms of subject matter. celia's got the whole "southern lady" thing going on, but i don't know that that was enough for me. also, full disclosure: i read this two days before we packed up & took the baby to boston for christmas, so my mind was kind of half on packing the entire time i was reading. i was like, "haha, funny story about disneyworld...i bet it's easier to travel with a kid when you don't have to make room in your luggage for a hospital-grade breast pump...but at least ramona isn't old enough to beg for expensive souvenirs."

i think this may be a signal that i need to take a little break from the essays & read a novel at some point.
Profile Image for Paula.
992 reviews
September 12, 2014
I enjoyed this book - I liked the author's sense of humor and writing style (and I loved the title). It is a collection of the author's columns circa 2006, heavy on references to mommyhood and southern culture. But, because it is a collection of columns from 2005-2006, it's heavy on topical references from that time; Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Hilary Duff, Paris Whats-her-name and her friend, Nicole something. Unfortunately, the topical references don't always wear well. I mean, I still get the references now, 8 years later, but what about someone reading this in another 8 years?
Displaying 1 - 30 of 435 reviews

Can't find what you're looking for?

Get help and learn more about the design.