Just Don't Be an Assh*le: A Surprisingly Necessary Guide to Being a Good Guy

by Kara Kinney Cartwright

This is the tough love that boys need to hear today: a candid and whipsmart guide to being a good guy in a world full of assh*les.

Despite their parents' best efforts, there are times when boys on the cusp of adulthood seem like they were raised by wolves. Or the internet. This anti-assh*le manifesto aims to provide young men with a framework for how to treat others--and themselves--with respect and dignity.

As it turns out, all guys need to learn one major lesson to safely avoid assh*le territory: Other people are also humans. (Whoa, right?) In this guide, Kara Kinney Cartwright, a mom who has raised two teenage boys, compiles all the unwritten rules of being a good guy--things she wanted to make sure she said to her own sons before they left home. Just Don't Be an Assh*le contains everything young men need to know to have positive interactions, make the best decisions, and recognize when they're being jerks, with clear instruction on how to do better. Some of the wisdom Cartwright covers includes: Don't be an assh*le to your family (parents are not your employees); don't be one at work (no one wants to hear your podcast idea); to women ("Are you up?" doesn't qualify as romance); or out in the world (people unlike you are also people). And finally, don't be an assh*le to yourself (it's okay not to have all the answers).

Just Don't Be an Assh*le is a frank, funny, and necessary guidebook for the next generation of teens--who will either save the world or destroy us all.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting

192 pages, Hardcover

First published March 24, 2020

About the author

Kara Kinney Cartwright always says, please, thank you, and excuse me–even on the subway. She married a total good guy and, through relentless lecturing, teasing, cash-bribing, and tricking, they have raised two sons who are not assholes, for the most part. If you happen to know her in person, this book is not about you, for the most part. She has written parenting articles for Huff Post, Scary Mommy, Babble, Grown and Flown, and more. She lives near Washington, D.C., and works in legal publishing.

Reviews

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Delightful, should be required reading for kids in high school. Common sense delivered with humor.

[Adam Bricker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Aimed more toward the mid-teen to early 20's age range there is some practical advice in here that can be tweaked to fit any guy. The author comes off a bit judgey in spots, but after some reflection that was partly cause I was doing asshole things and partly just cause she was really being judgey. Overall a quick, cheeky read about being a good guy. It would be fun to see the female version.

[Heather Siegel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This “surprisingly necessary guide” is loads of fun, but also chock-full of solid advice. Besides the admonition to remember that there are other actual human beings in the world, this short subway/bedtime/restroom-reader offers gems such as don’t puke in an Uber, be kind for the sake of it, and not to go viral, and a offers a drawing (there are lots of great drawings) on how to know if you are at a party. Cartwright suggests guys ask themselves: Are there people from work here? If yes, then you’re at work. If no, then, you’re at a party. If I had to reach for a criticism of this entertaining guide, it would be to have a non-gender specific version, since, I would argue, assholery knows no gender.

[Shana · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is fun read that covers a lot of really practical and solid advice. But it's obvious that this was written for a cis-gendered, heterosexual, middle class, and most likely White young male. And do we really need any more books for this population? This could have easily been a stronger book if the language was more inclusive.

I received a free copy of this book from a Goodreads Giveaway. This review reflects my honest opinion.

[Kim Bongiorno · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was written by a mother of young men who is clever, kind, funny, and honest. It is EXACTLY the kind of book that should be handed out to boys (its intended target audience) upon entering 9th grade. But if your "kid" is already in college? It's not too late to pass this along to them, too.

Honestly, I also think the content is so good, that it's something that belongs in the hands of all genders, and even older adults. I'm a 44yo woman with a 7th grade daughter and 9th grade son. I felt I got something out of it for myself, both personally and as a parent. In the not-too-distant-future, both of my kids will read it, too.

(Let me address the first thing many parents will bristle at: the title. That WORD. I don't mean to shock you, but your kids know that word. If they're over 13, there's a one million percent chance they hear it regularly from the mouths of their peers/friends, videos they watch, in books they read, from their siblings behind your back. If they don't use it now, they most likely will at some point. Giving your kid a book with that word in the title says nothing negative about you or your kid. In fact, it gets directly to the point. You don't want a kid who acts like an ahole or who grows up to be one. Most people don't want to be one, either. So just get over that word and hand over the book. We need it in as many hands as possible.)

In the perfect tone and voice for young adults who are handed this book, Cartwright covers the bigger stuff and finer details that not all people who raise kids into young adulthood think to address (intentionally or not) in regards to family, friends, school, work, dating, physical relationships, online life, real life, their environment, people who are/appear to be different than them, themselves, and more. Then the reader receives plentiful touch points to know whether they are on the right track for themselves and the people around them. By doing so, she helps the reader be an active participant in preventing and stopping toxic masculinity (and all the harm it causes), which is good for the reader and our society, as a whole.

With just the right balance of humor, frankness, and self-awareness that she's using her Mom Voice at times, the author helps the reader recognize aholey behavior in themselves and others, then how to address it in all sorts of realistic situations. The content is genuinely practical and direct, an easy read our older kids will roll their eyes and say, "[SIIIIIIIIGH] FINE, Mom. I'll read it. Whatever." when we hand it over, but then they'll actually take the messaging and guidance to heart, because no one wants to be an ahole.

[Christine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won a copy of this book through Goodreads Giveaways.

Oh man. This was hilarious, easy to read, and full of very good advice for teenage boys. I think it’s even written in a way they would listen to, although being a basically middle-aged lady there’s a good chance I’m wrong. I can think of a few young men I would pass this on to, and with the exception of the internet bits I think it’ll still work when my son hits his teen years. Probably best suited for younger teens—13-ish, so long as you’re ok with bad language because there’s a lot. All in all a great read.

[L · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book!
It is real. It is helpful.
It is good for any teen ... a bit (too) tailored to boys but still lots of wisdom for all.
I will be pushing my female teen to read it.
I will also be purchasing a copy to give to a close friend's son.
He needs to read it.... don't know that he will though - which is the problem... but maybe he'll be curious.

Anyhow, I won this book (kindle) on Goodreads. I like it so much that I will be buying copies for others. This is surprising as I'm a bit of a cheapskate.

[Candra Hodge · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not just for guys

This book is centered around young guys but anyone could read it. I enjoyed it. It was a short read that was informative and funny. I recommend this to anyone because anyone can be an assh0le.

[Lola Marguerita · Rating 5 out of 5]

Saving this book for when my son gets just a little bit older. A lot of advice I could have used in my own youth. Would have saved me a lot of time (although probably would have resulted in me not marrying that asshole...)

[Peggy McCoy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely every word in this book is the truth! As one of the Olds with long years of experience teaching teenagers, I assure you this information is NOT common knowledge is their world. Somebody had educate them!!! Well done Kara Cartwright!

[Olga Mecking · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kara Kinney Cartwright's Just Don't Be an Asshole should be required reading for all teenagers (mostly boys but also girls) and their parents. Parents who will read it will be relieved to hear that not every bad behavior from their teens and young adults is their fault.

Teens and young adults should read it because not everything their parents did is the parents' fault. Instead, teens and young adults can be encouraged to think for themselves and make their own decisions. And Kara Kinney Cartwright - a mother of two grown sons - is telling them exactly what to do to be the good guy to women and other minorities.

There is one tiny problem with the book - after such detailed guidelines and suggestions, there will be no excuse left for being an asshole. None at all.

[Lari · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely directed towards a particular audience (suburban middle class American), but still good.

[Julianna Miner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book and loved it so much I bought four more copies as gifts for friends. It's funny (laugh out loud funny in some spots), full of solid mom-logic, and surprisingly warm-hearted. The author is a mom of boys, and her love for them shines through. All the advice is geared towards a genuine desire to see boys succeed and thrive in today's world, one where the rules are often changing. It's a quick read but packs so much wisdom and humor. It's a great gift for parents, teenage boys, teachers and coaches (with a good sense of humor), and grandparents. I can't recommend this book highly enough.

[Alexandra Rosas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfect timing for a book like this! I have three sons, and with school being out, all I needed to do to have this book perused was to let it sit out on the coffee table. With the day open, and them being home, and a fetching come hither title like this, no one could resist. Especially when this book can be opened to any section, any page, any chapter, any paragraph, and its conversational style has your child wanting to read more. As my college senior son said, "She's funny and not lecturey. She tells you the truth about stuff and you can tell she tells her own sons the same thing." This book is a read that is light enough that it never feels like a chore, and has smart humor along with serious when it needs to be, like dating and work. You'll also have lots to discuss from categories you wouldn't think to cover with your own kids. Get this one, it's a gem.

[Zibby Owens · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a direct and frank and funny and sarcastic guidebook to give to our teenage sons when it finally dawns on us that they're going to leave and go out in the world. Just Don't be an Assh*le provides all the unwritten rules of being a good guy. As it turns out, everyone needs to learn one major lesson to safely avoid assh*le territory: that people are humans.

I love how the author organized the book: how not to be an asshole at school, how not to be an asshole with friends, with your family, in the world, and to yourself. One quote that stood out was, "Here's the thing. There's no way around it. You have to do school. You have to show up and do school every day until they hand you a cap and gown. Why? Because every employer is looking for doers, not quitters." I also love all the charts and the graphics. The book is just so user-friendly and so awesome. If someone is a full-grown person and needs this book, they should probably have a sense of humor about it.

To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/kar...

[NESTA TOYS · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kara Kinney Cartwright delivers a fresh, witty, and highly relatable guide in Just Don’t Be an Asshole. This book is an essential read for parents raising boys, offering straightforward advice on cultivating kindness, respect, and responsibility in today’s world.

What makes this book stand out is its conversational tone and humor, which makes tackling serious topics feel approachable and engaging. Cartwright breaks down complex ideas into simple, actionable lessons that resonate with both parents and teens. The anecdotes and real-life examples add authenticity, making the advice feel practical and easy to apply.

This book isn’t just for parents; teens and young adults can benefit from its life lessons too. It’s a wake-up call wrapped in humor, encouraging readers to be better people without being preachy. A must-read for families looking to instill good values with a dose of laughter! Highly recommended.

[Samuel Coble · Rating 3 out of 5]

I noticed this title on one of my shelves over break, and figured it would be an easy read. I think that Cartwright took a motherly approach to the self-help genre that really tailors this book to teenagers. I gave this book a 6/10 because although the author has a well executed vision of the book, I think it is a better buy than it is a read. I could have set this book down at anytime and have learned from it, but the writing didn't necessarily request reader introspection like a lot of other self-help books I have enjoyed. I think the audience is clearly defined which is a great strength the book has but I would have liked to see more aspects of self reflection to inspire growth instead of motherly lecture. Glad to have this one back on the shelf, and also glad I read it during the final months of my teenage years.

[Randi Renee Long · Rating 4 out of 5]

I mean, it mainly says its for men and teaching them how to be decent humans. Man!!!! This needs to be recommended for all men to read and also for all women when it comes to recognizing a good person. A great guide to being a good person and to do more thinking before you speak and act on things. Now, women can act in this way as well so its a good reminder for us as well.

[Elvis Vasquez · Rating 3 out of 5]

give this book to all teenagers

[MLB · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this. A funny but sensible read. Shouldn’t be geared solely towards young males however; females and people over age 25 can be a**holes too.

[Hannah Tyner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Would recommend to young guys in their developmental stages (17-18). Definitely a “things you should know” kind of book. Author is comical when delivering the advice making the book an easy read.

[Michaelangelo Bernardo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am aged 30 and have just read this book. I can say that it was very well written for teenage boys to grasp since the vocabulary the author used isn't as deep. Also, the author's approach in terms of how she communicates with the reader seems pretty light.

How I wish I had been "in" to reading when I was in my teenage or at least, my early twenties years and picked up a copy of this book. All the lessons imparted by the author through this book are all socially acceptable and practical.

The rating I gave lacked 1 star since I think it would have been a 5-star rating if the science behind the advice or statistics were inserted to further support the author's statements. However, considering that her target audiences are teenagers, the author might've intentionally excluded the facts behind in order to not bore the reader whose demographics she aimed for.

I found the book really entertaining and insightful as my awareness of my former asshole behaviour really surfaced. I'm a self-proclaimed good guy in recent years and still picked-up most of the contents of the book that I will be applying to real life.

Thank you for this Kara Kinney Cartwright.

[Mike J · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had my 11 year old son read this book. He loved it and really liked it. Does it discuss sex at times? Yes it does...in a respectable and realistic way. Guess the news, that’s part of life. I, as his dad am always available for his questions.

This is a must read for every boy/man. Despite what segments of society (like 2%) would like you to believe...we need well mannered men/boys! Hold doors and tell women you enjoy there company and appreciate them.

I can’t say enough good about this book. Please tell me there will be more!

[Zach Lintz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I had read this when I was a more impressionable young person and not after the fact.

[Aleahv2 · Rating 1 out of 5]

😬what if im still an asshole after reading this??