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104 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2018
DISTANT REGARD
If I knew I would be dead by this time next year
I believe I would spend the months from now till then
writing thank-you notes to strangers and acquaintances,
telling them, "You really were a great travel agent."
Or "I never got the taste of your kisses out of my mouth."
Or "Watching you walk across the room was part of my destination."
It would be the equivalent, I think,
of leaving a chocolate wrapped in shiny foil
on the pillow of a guest in a nice hotel--
"Hotel of earth, where we resided for some years together,"
I start to say--before I realize it is a terrible cliché, and stop,
and then go on, forgiving myself in a mere split second
because now that I'm dying, I just go
forward like water, flowing around obstacles
and second thoughts, not getting snagged, just continuing
with my long list of thank-yous
which seem naturally to expand
to include sunlight and wind,
and the aspen trees which seethe and shimmer in the yard
as if grateful for being soaked last night
by the beautiful irrigation system
invented by an individual
to whom I'm quietly grateful.
Outside it is autumn, the philosophical season,
when cold air sharpens the intellect;
the hills are red and copper in their shaggy mastery.
The clouds blow overhead, like governments and years.
It took me a long time to understand the phrase "distant regard,"
but I am grateful for it now,
and I am grateful for my heart,
that turned out to be good after all,
and grateful for my mind,
to which, in retrospect, I can see
I have never been sufficiently kind.
EPISTLE OF MOMENTARY GENEROSITY
I get a note from James, who used to be my friend,
in which he says he misses me,
so I hold the letter in my hand,
and for a moment just appreciate
this kindness that he squeezed out of his heart
right before that muscle clenched again
and tried to make him take it back,
or add a note that says, You dirty snake.
You have my Leonard Cohen albums.
And thus are human beings:
not always frightened or unkind. We
have moments when the mind unclouds
and old injuries are forgiven;
when the policeman hands the criminal a cigarette
and they stand in place and smoke, and stare
out the window at the rain;
when the lifejacket is tossed
from the back deck of a ship
too big to turn around--good luck!
That freely given impulse--there it goes.
And hour later you might regret your
open-handedness, or think it weak,
but it is gone; the blessing
can't be taken back,
and like a gull it sails
over the churning ocean,
tilting sideways for an instant
to slip between the judgment cliffs.
"Because gender was proven to be a cultural construction,
the mother gave the infant to the father to nurse,
with his small dry nipples and his hairy chest.
It was only fair, but it didn't work." ("Hope")
"... it doesn't matter if you die
whimpering into the railing of the hospital bed,
refusing to see visitors,
smelling your own body in the dawn.
The dark ending does not cancel out
the brightness of the middle.
Your day of greatest joy cannot be dimmed by any shame." ("I Have Good News")
The Truth
In summer there was something in the selfhood of the wasps
that wanted to get inside the screened-in porch.
It sent them buzzing against the wire mesh,
probing under the eaves,
crawling into the cracks between the boards.
Each day we'd find new bodies on the sill:
little failures, like struck matches:
shrunken in death, the yellow
color of cider or old varnish.
The blue self of the sky looked down
on the self of the wooden house
where the wasps were perishing.
The wind swept them to the ground.
The wasps seemed to be extensions
of one big thing
making the same effort again and again.
I can remember the feeling of being driven
by some longing I could not understand
to look for the passage through,
—trying again and again
to get inside. I must have left a lot
of dead former selves scattered around behind me
while I kept pushing my blunt head
at a space that prevented my entering
—and by that preventing delivered me
to where I live now, still outside;
still flying around
in the land of the unfinished.
artists of color
line up outside the theatre door for the audition,
volunteering to be exploited for a reasonable sum,
doing hip-hop sonnets that rhyme cotton with rotten.
Still, crying is violent and weird and hard.
It is like pulling something free from something else
that doesn't want to give it up,
and keeps on pulling it back with a wheezing, ripping sound.
So maybe I will practice the procrastination of the elm,
that holds its yellow-spotted leaves week after week,
and I raise my chin and let the January sunlight
take a good taste of my face.