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Resilience Is Futile: The Life and Death and Life of Julie Lalonde
A memoir of terror. An indictment of a misogynistic system that silences survivors.
For over a decade Julie Lalonde kept a secret. As an award-winning advocate for women’s rights, she criss-crossed the country, denouncing violence against women and giving hundreds of media interviews along the way. Her work made national headlines for challenging universities and taking on Canada’s top military brass. But while appearing fearless on the surface, Julie met every interview and event with the same fear in her gut: was he here?
Fleeing intimate partner violence at age twenty, Julie was stalked by her ex-partner for over ten years, rarely mentioning it to friends, let alone addressing it publicly. The contrast between her public career as a brave champion for women with her own private life of violence and fear meant a shaky and exhausting balancing act.
Resilience Is Futile is a story of survival, courage, and ultimately, hope. But it is also a challenge to the ways we understand trauma and resilience. It is the story of one survivor who won’t give up and refuses to shut up.
For over a decade Julie Lalonde kept a secret. As an award-winning advocate for women’s rights, she criss-crossed the country, denouncing violence against women and giving hundreds of media interviews along the way. Her work made national headlines for challenging universities and taking on Canada’s top military brass. But while appearing fearless on the surface, Julie met every interview and event with the same fear in her gut: was he here?
Fleeing intimate partner violence at age twenty, Julie was stalked by her ex-partner for over ten years, rarely mentioning it to friends, let alone addressing it publicly. The contrast between her public career as a brave champion for women with her own private life of violence and fear meant a shaky and exhausting balancing act.
Resilience Is Futile is a story of survival, courage, and ultimately, hope. But it is also a challenge to the ways we understand trauma and resilience. It is the story of one survivor who won’t give up and refuses to shut up.
176 pages, Paperback
First published February 17, 2020
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 117 reviews
May 1, 2020
Resilience Is Futile: The Life and Death and Life of Julie Lalonde by Julie S. Lalonde is an account of a woman terrorized, hounded, raped and stalked by one man from her late teens well into adulthood. It is not unusual in our society to blame a woman who is abused by a man. We blame her for enduring abuse without leaving the offender. This book will show that it is extremely difficult for a woman to defend herself legally. Even a restraining order is almost impossible to obtain because of all the legal hoops the abused has to go through while the abuser can prepare his defense, and can obtain the services of legal aid. If someone attacks a woman on the street, the attacker will be arrested without the victim pressing charges. But abuse from someone you know is a crime that is invisible. Police are barely interested, legal aid is not available because you must commit a crime to receive the aid, family and friends become frustrated with the continuing drama, etc. Ms. Lalonde’s book details the horror of living a life of looking over her shoulder constantly and the horror of never being free again. It is a story of abuse, but it is also a story of overcoming the worst circumstances and coming out on the other side to help and advise the abused. This book has taught me so much about a subject that needs to see the light of day. Highly recommended.
April 23, 2020
When I finally came out about my years of trauma, that pain was dismissed by people who refused to accept how someone who was traumatized could be in pain and still get shit done. My resilience was used to erase my pain.
Julie Lalonde is an award-winning Ottawa-based advocate for women's rights: a support worker for survivors of sexual assault, an acknowledged expert on women's issues frequently featured in print and television news, and a public educator who travels Canada to lecture on topics such as consent and bystander intervention. She is also the survivor of a decade-long abusive relationship – a teenaged love story that degenerated into threats, assault, and years of stalking by her abuser – and Resilience is Futile is her candid account of all of the influences (good and bad) that made her the strong voice she is today. It always feels somehow inappropriate to give a star rating to someone's memoir – I'm certainly not here to rate someone's life – but I can say that Lalonde's voice and storytelling skills are thoroughly engaging, and if it's not obvious from what I've written so far, I admire and respect what she has accomplished and think that this memoir ought to be widely read.
We were a group of traumatized survivors working long hours with no pay and little validation for our efforts. We were toxic, mean, and petty. But we had no tools to cope with our own trauma, let alone the pain and suffering we took on from the survivors we were supporting. So we turned on each other. The universe was throwing up countless red flags for me to slow down and get help, but I ignored them all. Every day, I bargained. If I help one more person, maybe then I’ll feel better. I never made the connection between the work I was doing and my life with Xavier. After all, it was examining myself through the lens of white privilege that had pushed me to start this work, not my own experience of abuse. And even though I was spending thousands of dollars on tuition to write a thesis on the complexities of resilience, it never occurred to me that my deep awareness of the issue came from my own lived experience. It was just what the data told me. I was just being a good listener.
I don't want to go over the details of Lalonde's relationship with “Xavier” (I assume that's a pseudonym since his name is blacked out in the notes and emails reproduced in this book), but I will note that wherever Lalonde sought help (whether from the Mental Health Department at Carleton University, the police, or the justice system while seeking a peace bond), her outward “resilience” was used as proof against the seriousness of her situation. And as her story takes place just before the Jian Ghomeshi scandal, #MeToo, and Harvey Weinstein, I'm hoping that a young woman in Ottawa today would have better access to support and justice? (Thanks to Lalonde herself, this young woman – or man – would have access to sexual assault support on the Carleton campus.) I was also thoroughly intrigued (and disturbed) by Lalonde's story of her experience trying to teach her bystander intervention content to the cadets at Kingston's Royal Military College – and further intrigued by that day's aftermath (the internet threats of her rape and murder, denials and gaslighting by the academy's officials, the debate brought to Parliament). It is incredible to me that Lalonde has been able to rise above so many seriously challenging situations – all while suffering the debilitating effects of unacknowledged trauma – and has channeled her energy into helping others. She's pretty much my hero now.
Like a true millennial, I took my pain to the internet, launching into a Twitter tirade about the big, fat decade-long secret I no longer had to carry. I wanted people to understand that if this could happen to someone like me, someone with the privilege and platform to take on the Canadian Armed Forces, then you truly have no idea what people are going through unless you ask.
Resilience is Futile is a quick read – less than two hundred pages – and if I had any complaint, it would be that I would have liked more (while acknowledging that Lalonde has no duty to share more than she wants to). I think this is an important book and should be of interest to everyone; I hope to see it nominated during the literary award season so it finds more readers.
March 14, 2020
I see that one lonely troll gave this book a 1 star rating... what a Dickwad :)
March 3, 2020
What a read. This is a very well-written account of how difficult it is to access legal/police services and support as a victim of stalking, and how hard it is to survive and thrive after a decade of trauma.
I've been a long-time fan of Julie Lalonde's, and reading this book made me feel so angry for her and every other person that hasn't been supported, believed, or protected from people like Xavier and Basil.
This events in this book felt so heavy and hit so close to home. It could be because I've seen Julie speak a few times, live in Ottawa, went to Carleton not long after, and lived through the same news cycle in the same space and time. I'm touched and have benefited directly the changes that Julie Lalonde has ALREADY made in the world. She does heartbreaking, difficult, often unappreciated work and she does it well.
I'll end this review with one of my favourite quotes from the end of the book that really stuck with me:
"I am not more resilient than Rehtaeh Parsons or Nathalie Warmerdam or Carol Culleton or Anastasia Kuzyk or any of the other women and girls whose lives were stolen by misogynists. I just got lucky.
I'm not interested in individual stories of survival.
I want to see us kick down the systems that force us to fight so hard in the first place.
I want us all to make it.
I want to make it."
I've been a long-time fan of Julie Lalonde's, and reading this book made me feel so angry for her and every other person that hasn't been supported, believed, or protected from people like Xavier and Basil.
This events in this book felt so heavy and hit so close to home. It could be because I've seen Julie speak a few times, live in Ottawa, went to Carleton not long after, and lived through the same news cycle in the same space and time. I'm touched and have benefited directly the changes that Julie Lalonde has ALREADY made in the world. She does heartbreaking, difficult, often unappreciated work and she does it well.
I'll end this review with one of my favourite quotes from the end of the book that really stuck with me:
"I am not more resilient than Rehtaeh Parsons or Nathalie Warmerdam or Carol Culleton or Anastasia Kuzyk or any of the other women and girls whose lives were stolen by misogynists. I just got lucky.
I'm not interested in individual stories of survival.
I want to see us kick down the systems that force us to fight so hard in the first place.
I want us all to make it.
I want to make it."
January 8, 2021
So what can we learn from this book? Anything? Do we care about stalking? Is it still happening? YES! Yes! Yes!
This was an audiobook and the author told it in her own words and voice. Good job.
Let me tell you from experience that its extremely difficult, crazy and defeating.
The worst part is that it gets crazier. And then you just stop telling “anyone” because you feel like its your fault. In my case I felt like it was safer to stay in the relationship. I know. I know. It’s crazy and does sound ridiculous! Yep, that was my life. My stalker person went to prison and it finally stopped. But not right away. They called and wrote me from prison for years. I’m still fearful if I think about it.
Maybe, just maybe, if we learn more and become socially more aware we can be an advocate for someone whose going through this. Maybe. It won’t be easy. Life isn’t easy, is it?
I commend this author for writing this difficult account and could feel her deep, gut wrenching pain. I hear you, Julie. I understand.
I give this a high 4 star and recommend it to anyone who wants a glimpse.
Thank you ECW Press Audio via Netgalley for this gift. I voluntarily leave this honest review.
This was an audiobook and the author told it in her own words and voice. Good job.
Let me tell you from experience that its extremely difficult, crazy and defeating.
The worst part is that it gets crazier. And then you just stop telling “anyone” because you feel like its your fault. In my case I felt like it was safer to stay in the relationship. I know. I know. It’s crazy and does sound ridiculous! Yep, that was my life. My stalker person went to prison and it finally stopped. But not right away. They called and wrote me from prison for years. I’m still fearful if I think about it.
Maybe, just maybe, if we learn more and become socially more aware we can be an advocate for someone whose going through this. Maybe. It won’t be easy. Life isn’t easy, is it?
I commend this author for writing this difficult account and could feel her deep, gut wrenching pain. I hear you, Julie. I understand.
I give this a high 4 star and recommend it to anyone who wants a glimpse.
Thank you ECW Press Audio via Netgalley for this gift. I voluntarily leave this honest review.
April 8, 2020
Again, feels wrong to comment on someone's lived experience. It's well written, definitely should be read. I would promote this as a grade 11/12 english text.
January 16, 2022
This book is frustratingly and frighteningly familiar. Not simply because we share the same last name and have the same nickname for our abusive exes, but because of the shame (abuse survivors should not feel this, but they do for so many reasons), lack of institional support, the conflict over other ppl's judgement and patience, and, most importantly, the coping/not coping behaviours.
Lalonde's traumatic story is an important read, because there are too many of us living this story. Do note, however, it is extremely triggering and requires you to be in the right space, regardless of whether or not you will be reliving your own past.
Lalonde's traumatic story is an important read, because there are too many of us living this story. Do note, however, it is extremely triggering and requires you to be in the right space, regardless of whether or not you will be reliving your own past.
November 6, 2020
TW: emotional abuse; violence against women; sexual assault.
.
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“I will always love you, you have no choice.”
.
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“Resilience is Futile: The Life and Death and Life of Julie S. Lalonde” is a harrowing read. Julie S. Lalonde is an incredible person who managed to become a prolific Canadian women’s advocate while quietly fighting her own private battle of abuse. Documenting a summer fling that turned into a full-fledged abusive relationship and ten years (TEN!) of harassment, stalking, and threats after the relationship ended, this memoir is a MUST READ to understand the hidden and isolating nature of relationship abuse and violence against women. Lalonde details the slow, insidious slide into emotional abuse and physical harm. Her account is peppered with original letters, emails, and police reports, which are disturbing (see the quote above from one of her ex-boyfriend’s “love notes”). She frankly discusses the emotional and mental toll of trying to remain resilient to the ongoing onslaught of knowing her stalker is somewhere out there, watching, waiting. She openly shares how fundamentally her life, psyche, and mental state are irrevocably damaged due to her experiences with this man. Reading this was chilling, and I recalled/evaluated my own early 20s and the brushes myself and my girlfriends had with violence and abuse (I remember spending 6 hours in the dead of the night packing up a friend’s apartment while her boyfriend was away because she HAD to get. out. now, eerily echoing Julie’s own experience). This account, and others like it, should be required reading. It’s Julie’s story, but it captures the dynamics of relationship abuse and how society systemically fails victims again and again. Please read, be angry, and do what you can to support survivors and change this broken fucking system.
.
.
“I will always love you, you have no choice.”
.
.
“Resilience is Futile: The Life and Death and Life of Julie S. Lalonde” is a harrowing read. Julie S. Lalonde is an incredible person who managed to become a prolific Canadian women’s advocate while quietly fighting her own private battle of abuse. Documenting a summer fling that turned into a full-fledged abusive relationship and ten years (TEN!) of harassment, stalking, and threats after the relationship ended, this memoir is a MUST READ to understand the hidden and isolating nature of relationship abuse and violence against women. Lalonde details the slow, insidious slide into emotional abuse and physical harm. Her account is peppered with original letters, emails, and police reports, which are disturbing (see the quote above from one of her ex-boyfriend’s “love notes”). She frankly discusses the emotional and mental toll of trying to remain resilient to the ongoing onslaught of knowing her stalker is somewhere out there, watching, waiting. She openly shares how fundamentally her life, psyche, and mental state are irrevocably damaged due to her experiences with this man. Reading this was chilling, and I recalled/evaluated my own early 20s and the brushes myself and my girlfriends had with violence and abuse (I remember spending 6 hours in the dead of the night packing up a friend’s apartment while her boyfriend was away because she HAD to get. out. now, eerily echoing Julie’s own experience). This account, and others like it, should be required reading. It’s Julie’s story, but it captures the dynamics of relationship abuse and how society systemically fails victims again and again. Please read, be angry, and do what you can to support survivors and change this broken fucking system.
February 28, 2020
CN: book deals with trauma, sexual assault and stalking.
Could not put it down. Picked the book up on release date and stayed up to finish.
I find it challenging to review memoirs because sometimes it feels like you're reviewing someone's life or choices, or enjoying their despair, but I found her book super compelling and the honesty both challenging and inspiring (about self and other individuals.)
I think people will get a really important (and sometimes invisible) view of trauma and maybe an answer of why don't people leave or why do they stay in abusive situations or why they don't report or file restraining orders.
Julie offers insight into the experience of someone trying to navigate the justice system as a victim of stalking and abuse, and how it did and did not connect to her work as an advocate for others.
Could not put it down. Picked the book up on release date and stayed up to finish.
I find it challenging to review memoirs because sometimes it feels like you're reviewing someone's life or choices, or enjoying their despair, but I found her book super compelling and the honesty both challenging and inspiring (about self and other individuals.)
I think people will get a really important (and sometimes invisible) view of trauma and maybe an answer of why don't people leave or why do they stay in abusive situations or why they don't report or file restraining orders.
Julie offers insight into the experience of someone trying to navigate the justice system as a victim of stalking and abuse, and how it did and did not connect to her work as an advocate for others.
March 17, 2020
I couldn't put this down. Julie's honesty, pain, life, determination, and true voice spring off the page and wrap you up in her story. It's not an easy read. It's heavy and painful, but speaks to important and dangerous parts of our society that we would rather ignore.
Violence against women, domestic violence, and stalking need to be taken seriously, and enter social discourse as a serious problem that needs to be dealt with rather than a tired trope that the media downplays.
Read this book. Get your friends to read this book. Request that your local library read this book. The more people who read this and learn about the realities of stalking, the more people can recognize themselves in these pages, the more people take this seriously, then more women get to make it. As Julie says, "I want us all to make it."
Violence against women, domestic violence, and stalking need to be taken seriously, and enter social discourse as a serious problem that needs to be dealt with rather than a tired trope that the media downplays.
Read this book. Get your friends to read this book. Request that your local library read this book. The more people who read this and learn about the realities of stalking, the more people can recognize themselves in these pages, the more people take this seriously, then more women get to make it. As Julie says, "I want us all to make it."
April 21, 2020
Any of the individual subjects tackled in this riveting memoir--stalking, the lives of elderly women, advocacy--would make for an interesting read, but Julie Lalonde's ability to weave them together make for a compelling story. She wastes no words in this well-paced retelling of a decade of survival and fighting a broken system. This is a necessary read for anyone who wants to better understand the structural barriers to dealing with abusers, and some of the reasons survivors don't seek help--or can't access it.
March 18, 2020
Most women don’t talk about being in an abusive relationship. It gets bottled up, ignored. . Do you feel a sense of shame? Do you blame yourself for the hell your living. Question how did my life come to this? Think today’s just not been a good day, things will be better tomorrow.It doesn’t matter what kind of abuse it is! Abuse hurts! Julie’s memoir will give many people the strength to question the red flags in their lives and I hope get help!
Thank you Julie!
Thank you Julie!
March 2, 2020
WOW. An incredible account of survival. Eye-opening account of the structural and societal hurdles still in place in Canada keeping victims from receiving the support and recognition they need.
Would likely have read it in one sitting if it wasn't my errand day, but I nevertheless accidentally stayed up way past my bedtime to finish in a single day.
Would likely have read it in one sitting if it wasn't my errand day, but I nevertheless accidentally stayed up way past my bedtime to finish in a single day.
April 18, 2020
I cried. I giggled at Julie’s asides. I felt anger and pain and questioned my own beliefs about emotions and experiences. A perfect read, and Julie really shows the difficulty violence and stalking victims face, both internally and externally.
June 14, 2020
Read it in one sitting. This book manages to be difficult and a page-turner at the same time.
April 24, 2020
March 11, 2020: The World Health Organization (WHO) classifies COVID-19 as a pandemic.
March 12, 2020: Queen Books in Toronto still held their launch for “Resilience is Futile: The Life and Death and Life of Julie S. Lalonde.”
April 22 - 23, 2020: After struggling to focus on reading anything for the better part of a month, I read this memoir in two sittings. I had a hard time putting it down because I could hear Julie Lalonde’s voice as I read this.
She sets up and dismantles the idea of the “perfect victim” of domestic violence and focuses on the double bind of resilience.
“The few women who decided to report to police lived in a double bind. They had to look bad enough for their trauma to be taken seriously, but not be too much of a mess or else risk being seen as crazy or unstable. It wasn’t enoughthat women were subjected to discrimination, violence, and neglect, I realized. We also had to perform our trauma in a very precise way in order to get any semblance of justice.” (114)
While I did read this book quickly, it is by no means an easy read. It blows my mind that legal aid is only for defendants. Everyone should be able to access a lawyer to navigate the legal system. Julie doesn’t hold much back as she details what her life was like during her abusive relationship and the subsequent stalking. She is earnest when she writes about the toll this trauma has had on her mental and physical health.
It is such an important book to read and it fucking sucks that the book tour was cut short because of the pandemic.
March 12, 2020: Queen Books in Toronto still held their launch for “Resilience is Futile: The Life and Death and Life of Julie S. Lalonde.”
April 22 - 23, 2020: After struggling to focus on reading anything for the better part of a month, I read this memoir in two sittings. I had a hard time putting it down because I could hear Julie Lalonde’s voice as I read this.
She sets up and dismantles the idea of the “perfect victim” of domestic violence and focuses on the double bind of resilience.
“The few women who decided to report to police lived in a double bind. They had to look bad enough for their trauma to be taken seriously, but not be too much of a mess or else risk being seen as crazy or unstable. It wasn’t enoughthat women were subjected to discrimination, violence, and neglect, I realized. We also had to perform our trauma in a very precise way in order to get any semblance of justice.” (114)
While I did read this book quickly, it is by no means an easy read. It blows my mind that legal aid is only for defendants. Everyone should be able to access a lawyer to navigate the legal system. Julie doesn’t hold much back as she details what her life was like during her abusive relationship and the subsequent stalking. She is earnest when she writes about the toll this trauma has had on her mental and physical health.
It is such an important book to read and it fucking sucks that the book tour was cut short because of the pandemic.
April 16, 2020
Wow. This book is haunting and so, so personal. Thank you Julie S. Lalonde for continuing to put yourself out there and share your story.
I had the pleasure of meeting Julie a few years ago at a Hollaback! chalk walk in Ottawa and was instantly inspired by her passion and drive. I can honestly say she has made a difference in my life. I attended Carleton from 2013-2017, and she was an icon in the feminist community there.
I am saddened by the number of young women who relate all too personally to this book (to varying degrees), but I know that it will only be by talking about these experiences that we will be able to change how they are handled. Thank you for starting this discussion with your "Out of the Shadows" project and continuing it with this book.
Huge content warnings for sexual violence, abuse, stalking, domestic violence. For me it was triggered a lot of insecurities and feelings of past trauma. Be warned, but I still recommend this book.
I had the pleasure of meeting Julie a few years ago at a Hollaback! chalk walk in Ottawa and was instantly inspired by her passion and drive. I can honestly say she has made a difference in my life. I attended Carleton from 2013-2017, and she was an icon in the feminist community there.
I am saddened by the number of young women who relate all too personally to this book (to varying degrees), but I know that it will only be by talking about these experiences that we will be able to change how they are handled. Thank you for starting this discussion with your "Out of the Shadows" project and continuing it with this book.
Huge content warnings for sexual violence, abuse, stalking, domestic violence. For me it was triggered a lot of insecurities and feelings of past trauma. Be warned, but I still recommend this book.
April 14, 2020
This book is a page-turner; it grips you from the very beginning. I read it in two sittings and had to force myself to put it down. It also felt like a life changing book; really made me reflect on my own experiences and fostered so much empathy for women who have similar experiences to Lalonde. It really captures the complexity and nuances of intimate partner violence, and of how our culture views survivors. I have been telling everyone I know about it and cannot recommend it enough.
March 21, 2020
Heartbreaking and infuriating. A difficult read, but an important one. For me, Chapter 1 "Good Girl" was the hardest to get through. To watch a young woman let herself be manipulated and abused that way made me angry beyond words. Partly because I could identify with that young woman, though I never experienced anything to the degree the author did. The story is incredibly eye-opening, as stalking is not really talked about much when we talk about violence against women.
I didn't quite understand the meaning of the title until I got towards the end of the book. She writes: "when I finally came out about my years of trauma, that pain was dismissed by people who refused to accept how someone who was traumatized could be in pain and still get shit done. My resilience was used to erase my pain." I now thinks it's one of the more brilliant titles I've seen in a while. Merci, Julie, d'avoir partagé ton histoire.
I didn't quite understand the meaning of the title until I got towards the end of the book. She writes: "when I finally came out about my years of trauma, that pain was dismissed by people who refused to accept how someone who was traumatized could be in pain and still get shit done. My resilience was used to erase my pain." I now thinks it's one of the more brilliant titles I've seen in a while. Merci, Julie, d'avoir partagé ton histoire.
March 2, 2020
A riveting memoir I read in 2 sittings. This story beautifully weaves together the dynamics of a complex (mostly nonconsensual in terms of timelines) relationship, personal trauma blending with vicarious trauma, and the drama that often results from secrets.
Julie wrote an honest memoir showcasing the real life complications of stalking, sexual assault, and violence against women. I loved the honesty had in how she recognized her privilege in a way that did not diminish the horrors of her experiences. I loved the light moments of absurdity peppered throughout. I loved most of all that this was written in Julie's true voice.
While this book is no walk in the park content-wise (especially for other survivors) I strongly recommend people take the time to read this memoir.
Julie wrote an honest memoir showcasing the real life complications of stalking, sexual assault, and violence against women. I loved the honesty had in how she recognized her privilege in a way that did not diminish the horrors of her experiences. I loved the light moments of absurdity peppered throughout. I loved most of all that this was written in Julie's true voice.
While this book is no walk in the park content-wise (especially for other survivors) I strongly recommend people take the time to read this memoir.
March 7, 2020
This book was amazing and upsetting. I can’t seem to form any more words to review it. Just read it.
March 9, 2020
This book should be required reading for all
High school age kids. True to herself, Julie keeps it real in the best possible way. This story is powerful and scary. Resilience is futile is a page turner with many roller coasters and I couldn’t recommend it more.
High school age kids. True to herself, Julie keeps it real in the best possible way. This story is powerful and scary. Resilience is futile is a page turner with many roller coasters and I couldn’t recommend it more.
February 28, 2020
A stirring account of a woman's journey through love, it's end and how one half of that love never got over it. Stalking is an issue that many deal with and some don't survive it. I'm happy Julie lived through it and was able to share her story so others can learn from it. A page-turner for sure and in the author's true voice.
February 29, 2020
A searing, intense, gripping, beautiful, and hopeful read. Lalonde opens up her world of terror and invites the reader to question the bind we put women in when we expect them to perform their trauma in a specific, prescribed way. Lalonde's is a refreshing, powerful, and honest voice that cuts deep but leaves you feeling both devastated and hopeful. This is no small feat. This is a special book.
March 5, 2020
This book might be a fast read but the material is heavy, important and soul crushing. I bought this book because I had met the authour in passing & wanted to support her work but in return I received so much more. It should be a book everyone reads, women need to know they aren't alone. Thank you for writing this.
April 13, 2020
Ah! I just loved it!
I believe this memoir has something for everyone. Whether it be a learning curve, or affirmation, I highly recommend the read.
Opening up my bookshelf to prioritize local authors has been a delight.
I believe this memoir has something for everyone. Whether it be a learning curve, or affirmation, I highly recommend the read.
Opening up my bookshelf to prioritize local authors has been a delight.
April 21, 2021
I'm a "little" late on this one, but this was an incredibly great and terrible narrative that everyone should add to their read list ASAP. Julie Lalonde created such an authentic look into abusive relationships and the society that encourages their toxicity, it was incredibly hard to look away.
I loved that Lalonde opened the door wide for her personal relationship, mixing both the good and the bad. From the slow beginning of an end-of-high-school romance and the immediate shift into engagement, Lalonde plainly unravels the thread that led her seeking legal help, experiencing the constant shift between love and pain, the exhaustion that comes from running, and the difficulties of existing as a victim within a society that does not protect victims.
Domestic abuse and assault have always been a difficult subject. The influence of violence within intimacy thoroughly isolates the individual, removing personal support systems and creating a constant connection that you can never truly separate yourself from. The good parts are stacked up against the dangerous pieces, making it difficult to abandon all together. Lalonde constantly shifts between fleeing from 'Xavier' (a presumed pseudonym) and returning for the first part of her journey away. Each step forward and back is so painful to witness through her narrative, but also painfully understandable. How do you abandon a burning ship you've spent years making a home on?
The most incredible part of Resilience is Futile: The Life and Death and Life of Julie Lalonde is the complex layering of emails and handwritten notes between chapters. Xavier's voice jumps out of raw testimony, little details providing further connection with the writing itself. Alone, Lalonde's narrative is completely believable and unforgettable. But, there is something wildly complex about the additional fragments from the other side. As the justice system further unravels in a flurry of victim shaming, mockery, and limited support, Xavier lurks in the background like a sliding scale from apologetic to wildness.
Resilience is the perfect title for this testimony. It would have been remarkably easy for Lalonde to have given up the fight and stayed within the abusive relationship, living in a world safeguarded by Xavier. Instead, she pushes against existing systems to support and change. Lalonde mentions the fact that she has privilege as an educated white woman and decides to spend her time counselling others, building resources to challenge the standard. This brings up the painfully forgotten subject of secondary traumatic stress that ends up ruling her later life, a result of working on crisis lines while juggling her own life.
I would have liked Lalonde to have spent more time in the later portions of this book. Her relationship with Xavier concludes due to , and she explains her working within the military college to explain bystander intervention and rape culture to students. The space, dominated by men, erupts into a situation into online catfishing and threats, as well as an attempt to pin the blame to Lalonde herself for the negative results. I think this portion of the book really needed to be stretched out further, especially because it predates big changes like the #MeToo movements and big scandals like Jian Ghomeshi. Our system still struggles today in supporting vulnerable peoples and frequently safeguards the accused, and the military has such a lengthy history in abusive behaviours. Her work as a civilian standing against this is absolutely a critical point in Canadian gender history.
I also would have liked more of a detailed look into her work with elderly women and abuse. It was a passing thread of her story, but it really stood out between her personal connection and the constant resilience to extend a hand out in support to others.
Sprinkled throughout Lalonde's work are references to Carleton University and Ottawa. I really enjoyed the connection between small towns to the shift to city life. It made her writing relatable and grounded her personality in a narrative of so much struggle and resilience. Having spent four years also studying at Carleton University, I could easily connect to the details of cheap student housing and hot summers in the city.
This book isn't even 200 pages. It absolutely should be on your TBR. It should be read cautiously, with care. I had never heard of Julie Lalonde before, and that was a shame. So much of her life has been dedicated to using her privilege to support others to overcome and prevent, despite her own personal traumatic responses, making it possible to share testimony today.
Special thanks to ZG Stories for sharing a copy with me in exchange for my honest review.
I loved that Lalonde opened the door wide for her personal relationship, mixing both the good and the bad. From the slow beginning of an end-of-high-school romance and the immediate shift into engagement, Lalonde plainly unravels the thread that led her seeking legal help, experiencing the constant shift between love and pain, the exhaustion that comes from running, and the difficulties of existing as a victim within a society that does not protect victims.
Domestic abuse and assault have always been a difficult subject. The influence of violence within intimacy thoroughly isolates the individual, removing personal support systems and creating a constant connection that you can never truly separate yourself from. The good parts are stacked up against the dangerous pieces, making it difficult to abandon all together. Lalonde constantly shifts between fleeing from 'Xavier' (a presumed pseudonym) and returning for the first part of her journey away. Each step forward and back is so painful to witness through her narrative, but also painfully understandable. How do you abandon a burning ship you've spent years making a home on?
The most incredible part of Resilience is Futile: The Life and Death and Life of Julie Lalonde is the complex layering of emails and handwritten notes between chapters. Xavier's voice jumps out of raw testimony, little details providing further connection with the writing itself. Alone, Lalonde's narrative is completely believable and unforgettable. But, there is something wildly complex about the additional fragments from the other side. As the justice system further unravels in a flurry of victim shaming, mockery, and limited support, Xavier lurks in the background like a sliding scale from apologetic to wildness.
Resilience is the perfect title for this testimony. It would have been remarkably easy for Lalonde to have given up the fight and stayed within the abusive relationship, living in a world safeguarded by Xavier. Instead, she pushes against existing systems to support and change. Lalonde mentions the fact that she has privilege as an educated white woman and decides to spend her time counselling others, building resources to challenge the standard. This brings up the painfully forgotten subject of secondary traumatic stress that ends up ruling her later life, a result of working on crisis lines while juggling her own life.
I would have liked Lalonde to have spent more time in the later portions of this book. Her relationship with Xavier concludes due to , and she explains her working within the military college to explain bystander intervention and rape culture to students. The space, dominated by men, erupts into a situation into online catfishing and threats, as well as an attempt to pin the blame to Lalonde herself for the negative results. I think this portion of the book really needed to be stretched out further, especially because it predates big changes like the #MeToo movements and big scandals like Jian Ghomeshi. Our system still struggles today in supporting vulnerable peoples and frequently safeguards the accused, and the military has such a lengthy history in abusive behaviours. Her work as a civilian standing against this is absolutely a critical point in Canadian gender history.
I also would have liked more of a detailed look into her work with elderly women and abuse. It was a passing thread of her story, but it really stood out between her personal connection and the constant resilience to extend a hand out in support to others.
Sprinkled throughout Lalonde's work are references to Carleton University and Ottawa. I really enjoyed the connection between small towns to the shift to city life. It made her writing relatable and grounded her personality in a narrative of so much struggle and resilience. Having spent four years also studying at Carleton University, I could easily connect to the details of cheap student housing and hot summers in the city.
This book isn't even 200 pages. It absolutely should be on your TBR. It should be read cautiously, with care. I had never heard of Julie Lalonde before, and that was a shame. So much of her life has been dedicated to using her privilege to support others to overcome and prevent, despite her own personal traumatic responses, making it possible to share testimony today.
Special thanks to ZG Stories for sharing a copy with me in exchange for my honest review.
May 5, 2021
Such an important read. As a young woman who followed an eerily similar path through childhood and university (I even went to Carleton and this book made me incredibly grateful for Julie's work in establishing the sexual violence prevention and survivor support centre), there were so many parallels that I think it are important for all young women to draw when entering relationships of their own.
I understand the creative direction that was taken by interjecting images of notes, emails etc sent to Julie, but I felt that it almost detracted from the story as it made me feel like there was automatic doubt that I would believe the writings without seeing it with my own eyes. However, can understand how this "addition of proof" is disappointingly necessary to those who may doubt her story.
I understand the creative direction that was taken by interjecting images of notes, emails etc sent to Julie, but I felt that it almost detracted from the story as it made me feel like there was automatic doubt that I would believe the writings without seeing it with my own eyes. However, can understand how this "addition of proof" is disappointingly necessary to those who may doubt her story.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 23, 2022
This book really hit hard. It was written in such an engaging way, and from the first chapter I was drawn in and couldn't stop reading.
I felt like I really got to know Julie - her struggles, her fears, everything she lived through. I liked her a lot, too, and found myself relating to a lot of what she wrote (not so much the violent-stalking-boyfriend part, but more so the staying-busy-to-run-away-from-problems part).
I feel like the discussion surrounding mental health and healing was also pretty important. Overall I really enjoyed the book (and almost cried a few times!) and would recommend it to everyone.
I felt like I really got to know Julie - her struggles, her fears, everything she lived through. I liked her a lot, too, and found myself relating to a lot of what she wrote (not so much the violent-stalking-boyfriend part, but more so the staying-busy-to-run-away-from-problems part).
I feel like the discussion surrounding mental health and healing was also pretty important. Overall I really enjoyed the book (and almost cried a few times!) and would recommend it to everyone.
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