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The Baby Matrix: Why Freeing Our Minds From Outmoded Thinking About Parenthood & Reproduction Will Create a Better World
In the movie The Matrix, the character Morpheus offers two pills to Neo—if he takes the blue pill, he will go on with life as he has before, believing what he has always believed. If he takes the red pill, he will find out what the “matrix” really is, and many of his earlier beliefs will be shattered. When it comes to taking a hard look at a specific set of beliefs about parenthood and reproduction that has driven our society for generations, The Baby Matrix is the red pill.We commonly think our desire to have children boils down to our biological wiring, but author Laura Carroll says it's much more than that. Unlike other books on parenthood, The Baby Matrix: Why Freeing Our Minds From Outmoded Thinking About Parenthood & Reproduction Will Create a Better World takes a serious look at powerful social and cultural influences that drive the desire for the parenthood experience, and lays out why we need to be very aware of these influences to make the most informed decisions about parenthood.The Baby Matrix looks at long-held beliefs about parenthood and reproduction, and unravels why we believe what we believe. It lays out: -the historical origins of beliefs about parenthood and reproduction-why many of these beliefs no longer work for society or were never true in the first place-why we continue to believe them anyway-the prices society pays as a result The Baby Matrix shows us how we got here, brings to light what is true, which includes knowing about the powerful influence of “pronatalism,” and explains why society can no longer afford to leave pronatalism unquestioned. “This is not a book about convincing people not to have children,” says Carroll. “I want people to be very aware of the long-held social and cultural pressures, and be able to free themselves from those pressures when making parenthood choices. This will result in more people making the best decisions for themselves, will foster a society in which those who are best suited to become parents are the ones who have children and one that knows what it means to bring a child into the world today.”This book will make you examine your own intentions and beliefs, will rile you, and might just change your mind. Whether you are already a parent, want to become a parent, are still making up your mind, or know you don’t want children, you’ll never think about parenthood in the same way. The Baby Matrix is a must-read for anyone interested in psychology, sociology, anthropology, parenting issues, environmentalism, and social justice. But most of all, it’s for anyone, parent or not, who reveres the truth and wants the best for themselves, their families, and our world.
177 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 9, 2012
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August 18, 2012
The Baby Matrix, by Dr Laura Carroll, is about pronatalism, or “the idea that parenthood and raising children should be the central focus of every person’s adult life.”
As someone who’s chosen not to have children, I can tell you that decision wasn’t easy. And it’s been made a lot harder by the million movies and TV shows that tell me parenting is the only way to live a fulfilling life. Not to mention the friends and family who question whether I’m selfish and whether I’ll turn into some bitter, lonely woman down the road.
So I really appreciated the pespective presented in this book. Carroll begins by giving an overview of the key principles of pronatalism, and then explains why they are wrong and even harmful. For example:
• We have a biological instinct to have children.
• There’s something wrong with you if you don’t want children.
• The ultimate path to fulfillment in life is parenthood.
• We need children to be there for us when we get old.
Carroll raises some very simple questions and some very complex issues. Why do we think everyone should have children? Why are we so willing to limit access to birth control or family planning, when we’re not even willing to have honest conversations about how many children are too many?
“The problem with pronatalism is that it leads everyone to believe they should have children – even people who shouldn’t have children. And pronatalism leads people to believe they have the right to have as many children as they want. This creates problems that extend beyond families and children who may be suffering from the effects of poor parenting. At a time when we humans are consuming resources over 50 percent faster than the planet is producing them, every choice to bear a child has implications for the larger community. That’s why this conversation about pronatalism is one that involves all of us, parents or not.”
It isn’t just that our pro-childbearing culture makes my life difficult – there are bigger implications. When you think about the number of children who are raised by people who probably shouldn’t be parents, and the impact that has for all of us, it’s a pretty serious issue. Carroll isn’t saying we should pick and choose who gets to have children (although she’s at least willing to discuss the issue). But she does ask why NOT having children can’t at least be presented as a valid choice. Why can’t we start asking people “if” they want children rather than “when” they’re going to start having them? Why can’t we start valuing population control at least as much as we value reproduction?
And why can’t we at least acknowledge that people who aren’t having children might be doing something positive for the world? I’m not going to pretend overpopulation is why I don’t have children. But I do feel good about not adding to the numbers, and I also feel good that my husband and I can share one small car. I’m no saint -- but it would be nice if our culture didn’t make me feel like a freak of nature.
Carroll proposes that we change the assumption that everyone should have children, and that your life is meaningless if you don’t have them.
There are a handful of books out there written for those of us who don’t want children. This is the really rare book about not having children that is written for everyone else. Now I just wish everyone else would actually read it.
As someone who’s chosen not to have children, I can tell you that decision wasn’t easy. And it’s been made a lot harder by the million movies and TV shows that tell me parenting is the only way to live a fulfilling life. Not to mention the friends and family who question whether I’m selfish and whether I’ll turn into some bitter, lonely woman down the road.
So I really appreciated the pespective presented in this book. Carroll begins by giving an overview of the key principles of pronatalism, and then explains why they are wrong and even harmful. For example:
• We have a biological instinct to have children.
• There’s something wrong with you if you don’t want children.
• The ultimate path to fulfillment in life is parenthood.
• We need children to be there for us when we get old.
Carroll raises some very simple questions and some very complex issues. Why do we think everyone should have children? Why are we so willing to limit access to birth control or family planning, when we’re not even willing to have honest conversations about how many children are too many?
“The problem with pronatalism is that it leads everyone to believe they should have children – even people who shouldn’t have children. And pronatalism leads people to believe they have the right to have as many children as they want. This creates problems that extend beyond families and children who may be suffering from the effects of poor parenting. At a time when we humans are consuming resources over 50 percent faster than the planet is producing them, every choice to bear a child has implications for the larger community. That’s why this conversation about pronatalism is one that involves all of us, parents or not.”
It isn’t just that our pro-childbearing culture makes my life difficult – there are bigger implications. When you think about the number of children who are raised by people who probably shouldn’t be parents, and the impact that has for all of us, it’s a pretty serious issue. Carroll isn’t saying we should pick and choose who gets to have children (although she’s at least willing to discuss the issue). But she does ask why NOT having children can’t at least be presented as a valid choice. Why can’t we start asking people “if” they want children rather than “when” they’re going to start having them? Why can’t we start valuing population control at least as much as we value reproduction?
And why can’t we at least acknowledge that people who aren’t having children might be doing something positive for the world? I’m not going to pretend overpopulation is why I don’t have children. But I do feel good about not adding to the numbers, and I also feel good that my husband and I can share one small car. I’m no saint -- but it would be nice if our culture didn’t make me feel like a freak of nature.
Carroll proposes that we change the assumption that everyone should have children, and that your life is meaningless if you don’t have them.
There are a handful of books out there written for those of us who don’t want children. This is the really rare book about not having children that is written for everyone else. Now I just wish everyone else would actually read it.
August 13, 2019
There was nothing new in this book for me. As a forty-something year old woman who chose not to have children, even I found some of this author's arguments too strident. I couldn't get past the first few chapters.
Carroll's commentary about how parents get time off for childbirth, and the fact that the rest of us don't get this is not fair, is childish! Parents need this time off to be with their newborns. Carroll seems to see this as a paid vacation and does not take into account the fact that having a newborn is a 24/7 job!
She lost me even more when she railed about the unfairness of parent's being able to put money in an IRA for their children's education, and the fact that people who do not have children have to pay taxes that go to local schools.
While this is all true, what is the problem with giving parents an incentive to invest in their children's future? And why is tax money going to schools a bad thing if you are childless? Aren't we all responsible for investing in the future?
Again, I am an educator who has chosen to remain childless, and was still bristled by this author's arguments.
Carroll's commentary about how parents get time off for childbirth, and the fact that the rest of us don't get this is not fair, is childish! Parents need this time off to be with their newborns. Carroll seems to see this as a paid vacation and does not take into account the fact that having a newborn is a 24/7 job!
She lost me even more when she railed about the unfairness of parent's being able to put money in an IRA for their children's education, and the fact that people who do not have children have to pay taxes that go to local schools.
While this is all true, what is the problem with giving parents an incentive to invest in their children's future? And why is tax money going to schools a bad thing if you are childless? Aren't we all responsible for investing in the future?
Again, I am an educator who has chosen to remain childless, and was still bristled by this author's arguments.
May 15, 2023
Although I agree with some things Laura discusses - i.e. it's not weird you don't want kids, kids aren't the end all be all to purpose in life, etc - she really lost me here and there. For example her tantrums about parents receiving tax deductions and parental leave to take care of their newborns, claiming its unfair the childless people do not get that leave (hi, it's not a vacay!)
Other ideas were downright concerning, like her argument that social assistance motivates people to have more kids (because more kids = bigger assistance) so we need to remove this assistance because people who can't afford more kids shouldn't be allowed to have them. And it's more ethical to have no/less children because of overpopulation (an ecofascist talking point). And even that people should be required by law to pass parental training to be allowed to reproduce or risk penalties of some kind.
As a childfree person, I've been curious about reading some books about the choice to be childfree - but I'm looking for ones that are grounded in respect and love for parents and children as autonomous beings. This was not that book.
Other ideas were downright concerning, like her argument that social assistance motivates people to have more kids (because more kids = bigger assistance) so we need to remove this assistance because people who can't afford more kids shouldn't be allowed to have them. And it's more ethical to have no/less children because of overpopulation (an ecofascist talking point). And even that people should be required by law to pass parental training to be allowed to reproduce or risk penalties of some kind.
As a childfree person, I've been curious about reading some books about the choice to be childfree - but I'm looking for ones that are grounded in respect and love for parents and children as autonomous beings. This was not that book.
May 28, 2023
Undoubtedly the most anti-natalistic (discouraging people from having babies) book I have ever read. Some stuff the author suggests is crazy, like taxing parents or using forced sterilisation on those who aren’t emotionally and financially equipped to have a child.
However, it does an excellent job of describing the history of the changes in society’s child-having goals, objectives, and, perhaps, illusions. Having babies is a choice you should make based on your personal strengths and admirations, not the societal narrative you follow.
Also, birthing a child to give yourself meaning (or for any other purely selfish reasons) may leave you feeling the same emptiness deep down, just with the immense responsibility of raising an individual on top. Not everyone’s a good parent; not everyone should be a parent—one can care for children without having their own.
“The better we understand our motives and the more we recognize parenthood as a choice and not a biological imperative, the more likely we are to make the best choice for ourselves and our society.”
However, it does an excellent job of describing the history of the changes in society’s child-having goals, objectives, and, perhaps, illusions. Having babies is a choice you should make based on your personal strengths and admirations, not the societal narrative you follow.
Also, birthing a child to give yourself meaning (or for any other purely selfish reasons) may leave you feeling the same emptiness deep down, just with the immense responsibility of raising an individual on top. Not everyone’s a good parent; not everyone should be a parent—one can care for children without having their own.
“The better we understand our motives and the more we recognize parenthood as a choice and not a biological imperative, the more likely we are to make the best choice for ourselves and our society.”
April 22, 2021
I was drawn to this book's claim that it helps free the mind from our cultural norms about parenthood. I think an alternative perspective to "everyone should become a parent" or "one day you'll change your mind and want kids" is important and necessary. Unfortunately, I was disappointed with this book and didn't find it to be the analytical counterargument I hoped for. The writing quality was poor (it read like a high school or college student essay) and there were some insidious underlying assumptions that almost made me want to give up on reading it. If you're looking for a balancing voice to the social pressures to have children, I'd recommend looking elsewhere.
The first misleading argument I noticed was that overpopulation is a social problem and it's irresponsible to have children due to our current global numbers. This is a common ecofascist talking point that misses the drivers of climate change and becomes a slippery slope. The real culprits of climate change are not babies or families, but corporations and empires. The responsibility for sustainably harvesting and distributing resources doesn't lie with the individual who chooses whether or not to recycle or to have a baby. Instead, it lies with Exxon, Chevron, BP, and other coal and petroleum companies. It lies with the US, China, and Russia. However, when we argue that humans and reproduction are the issue, we open up space for ideals that ultimately lead to totalitarianism and genocide. There's several other similar concepts in the book such as forced sterilization that, again, have very problematic histories and underlying ideals.
Another argument the author used centered on the "privileges" given to parents such as the earned income tax credit or paid parental leave. She painted these as unfair and biased. This made me laugh considering the US doesn't require any paid parental leave and has the worst parental leave policies in the "developed world." Similarly, the tax credits parents receive for having children are minimal and the author's argument that they "incentivize" low-income people to have children just for the hundreds of dollars they receive per child per year is preposterous. Looking deeper than that, the issue the author is raising is not caused by parents. It is caused by an almost non-existent social safety net in the United States that leaves all low- and middle-income people at risk and dependent on their jobs for healthcare, housing, and other basic needs. Instead of blaming parents for their ability to leave work early or take a few months off of work (to care for a newborn or adopted child, by the way, which is demanding and not a vacation/fun afternoon off), the author should be advocating for better labor laws, better government benefits, a more equitable tax structure, and a number of other policies and movements that would empower all people rather than encouraging readers to question or blame parents or poor people.
There were some interesting and useful ideas in this book, but few of them were Carroll's own. The components of parenting aptitude she features, originally outlined by Peck and Granzig, were informative and would be worth it for new or prospective parents to consult. She also references Susan Jeffers' work on parenting and relationships. A few useful ideas of her own come through in the Post-Pronatal Assumptions she lays out too: The idea that it's just as normal not to want children as it is to want them makes complete sense and should be promoted. Similarly, her point that our elderhood support structure should not fall solely on our biological children is logical (although, again, a more robust social safety net could help with this a lot). However, these small tidbits of helpful information don't make reading this book worth it to me. If you want to look into this topic, I'd recommend reading some of the researchers and experts she refers to, rather than this book.
The first misleading argument I noticed was that overpopulation is a social problem and it's irresponsible to have children due to our current global numbers. This is a common ecofascist talking point that misses the drivers of climate change and becomes a slippery slope. The real culprits of climate change are not babies or families, but corporations and empires. The responsibility for sustainably harvesting and distributing resources doesn't lie with the individual who chooses whether or not to recycle or to have a baby. Instead, it lies with Exxon, Chevron, BP, and other coal and petroleum companies. It lies with the US, China, and Russia. However, when we argue that humans and reproduction are the issue, we open up space for ideals that ultimately lead to totalitarianism and genocide. There's several other similar concepts in the book such as forced sterilization that, again, have very problematic histories and underlying ideals.
Another argument the author used centered on the "privileges" given to parents such as the earned income tax credit or paid parental leave. She painted these as unfair and biased. This made me laugh considering the US doesn't require any paid parental leave and has the worst parental leave policies in the "developed world." Similarly, the tax credits parents receive for having children are minimal and the author's argument that they "incentivize" low-income people to have children just for the hundreds of dollars they receive per child per year is preposterous. Looking deeper than that, the issue the author is raising is not caused by parents. It is caused by an almost non-existent social safety net in the United States that leaves all low- and middle-income people at risk and dependent on their jobs for healthcare, housing, and other basic needs. Instead of blaming parents for their ability to leave work early or take a few months off of work (to care for a newborn or adopted child, by the way, which is demanding and not a vacation/fun afternoon off), the author should be advocating for better labor laws, better government benefits, a more equitable tax structure, and a number of other policies and movements that would empower all people rather than encouraging readers to question or blame parents or poor people.
There were some interesting and useful ideas in this book, but few of them were Carroll's own. The components of parenting aptitude she features, originally outlined by Peck and Granzig, were informative and would be worth it for new or prospective parents to consult. She also references Susan Jeffers' work on parenting and relationships. A few useful ideas of her own come through in the Post-Pronatal Assumptions she lays out too: The idea that it's just as normal not to want children as it is to want them makes complete sense and should be promoted. Similarly, her point that our elderhood support structure should not fall solely on our biological children is logical (although, again, a more robust social safety net could help with this a lot). However, these small tidbits of helpful information don't make reading this book worth it to me. If you want to look into this topic, I'd recommend reading some of the researchers and experts she refers to, rather than this book.
January 29, 2013
Carroll, who previously published Families of Two, about couples living happily childfree, has put together an absolute encyclopedia about why the “pronatalist” viewpoint that tells us that everyone should have children is no longer valid. Although I disagree with some of her points, I have to admire this well-written and deeply researched book that I will keep handy as a reference from now on. Carroll challenges common assumptions such the idea that people need children to be fulfilled, mature, happy, and cared for in their old age. Furthermore, she says parenting should be a privilege for which people must prove they are qualified. And, people should be rewarded for not having kids instead of getting tax breaks for having them. Maybe, maybe not, but there is so much information here. Want to know how many childless women there are in Finland? It’s here. Want to know what sociology texts tell college students about marriage and children? It’s here. If you’re interested in the subject of having or not having children, read this.
April 4, 2015
I liked the book; it's full of provocative ideas, and I just bought Families of Two.
However - yes, I do have a few reservations -
the author sounds quite belligerent - she maps out 4-fold 'strategies' to 'deal with' people asking questions about potential kids, she's writing laws, she's preemptively controling everything about public spaces, she does her fair share of name-calling 'this is selfish! And this too, and this!' And she bellows and works to death things I would think are obvious 'CHILDREN ARE NOT THE ONLY PATH TO HAPPINESS!!', she vigorously denounces falsehoods and offers alternative sentences to learn by heart - also she offers to take medical care away from people who have 'unsanctioned' children... Phew! A leeeetle scary, all that government control!
.... Then again I think of China's only child policy and the fact that no one in the West squeaked about it - would Westerners accept such a policy gracefully? I think not.
I am on the fence about government control - I hate its immixion into my life, BUT I am also a child abuse survivor and I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy, all of which could have been avoided if my parents had stuck their heads out of their asses for 2 minutes. And I've seen too many people whose only claim to parenthood was that they'd had sex. That drives me NUTS.
So
It sounds like the writer had a lot to get off her chest. And maybe she's not the only one... We all have our pet peeves I guess!
Other reservation
Her book was also completely USA-centric (well, you gotta start somewhere). Many figures and censii and polls - fine. But also habits and customs. Since I am French, some of those seem utterly Martian to me 'Children get away with EVERYTHING!' Well, no actually, not in France.
All in all, I am much more at peace with the idea of childfreedom than she seems to be. I do not feel I have to justify myself (although I wanted to dig deeper into my reasons), nor do I feel I have to come prepared to a battlefield where my foes will try to have me impregnated at every turn or drag me to an asylum if I persist in my refusal. I did have to get over society's brainwashing, and her book is very lucid in that way, very useful in pointing out the pillars of pro-natalism.
The thing is, I have made my joyful, relieved, exhilarated peace with the fact I do not want children, and I would love to debate, just you know, peacefully;0)
However - yes, I do have a few reservations -
the author sounds quite belligerent - she maps out 4-fold 'strategies' to 'deal with' people asking questions about potential kids, she's writing laws, she's preemptively controling everything about public spaces, she does her fair share of name-calling 'this is selfish! And this too, and this!' And she bellows and works to death things I would think are obvious 'CHILDREN ARE NOT THE ONLY PATH TO HAPPINESS!!', she vigorously denounces falsehoods and offers alternative sentences to learn by heart - also she offers to take medical care away from people who have 'unsanctioned' children... Phew! A leeeetle scary, all that government control!
.... Then again I think of China's only child policy and the fact that no one in the West squeaked about it - would Westerners accept such a policy gracefully? I think not.
I am on the fence about government control - I hate its immixion into my life, BUT I am also a child abuse survivor and I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy, all of which could have been avoided if my parents had stuck their heads out of their asses for 2 minutes. And I've seen too many people whose only claim to parenthood was that they'd had sex. That drives me NUTS.
So
It sounds like the writer had a lot to get off her chest. And maybe she's not the only one... We all have our pet peeves I guess!
Other reservation
Her book was also completely USA-centric (well, you gotta start somewhere). Many figures and censii and polls - fine. But also habits and customs. Since I am French, some of those seem utterly Martian to me 'Children get away with EVERYTHING!' Well, no actually, not in France.
All in all, I am much more at peace with the idea of childfreedom than she seems to be. I do not feel I have to justify myself (although I wanted to dig deeper into my reasons), nor do I feel I have to come prepared to a battlefield where my foes will try to have me impregnated at every turn or drag me to an asylum if I persist in my refusal. I did have to get over society's brainwashing, and her book is very lucid in that way, very useful in pointing out the pillars of pro-natalism.
The thing is, I have made my joyful, relieved, exhilarated peace with the fact I do not want children, and I would love to debate, just you know, peacefully;0)
May 25, 2019
Oh man, where do I start? Carroll's anti-pro natalist ideas are interesting and mirror my own sentiments about children. However, she lost me when she started talking about forced body control and certification for parents. I understand and agree that MANY parents should not be parents. However, when you start talking radical measures like forcing unfit people to have procedures to prevent them from having children, you're bordering on a dystopian society... Or China, I suppose. I get her premise that by being proactive in the child front we'd be saving billions of dollars each year and helping children not have such rough lives, but her ideas are not even close to practical, NOR are they backed up by science or substantive and peer-reviewed research.
Mainly, this book was just a jumbled, repetitive stream of Carroll's ideas. ABANDONED.
Mainly, this book was just a jumbled, repetitive stream of Carroll's ideas. ABANDONED.
May 10, 2021
This was...interesting. I’m childfree and half of the content was interesting, validating, and insightful. The other seemed like we would be hurtling towards dangerous dystopian territory.
August 7, 2012
Review:
I come from a rather large family - some of my recent ancestors having as many as eighteen children, but just because I grew up with two siblings, tons of cousins, and a plethora of branches on my family tree does not mean that I am obligated to "go forth and multiply". Do not get me wrong, I love children, however, I do not currently desire to reproduce due to my career, and the fact that there are plenty of adoptable children who need homes and families. That said, I was very interested when I got the chance to read The Baby Matrix by Laura Carroll because she has similar viewpoints on the subject. The Earth may seem like an infinite resource at the constant disposal of the human race, but as the atmosphere weakens, the water, air, and ground become polluted, and precious fossil fuels are depleted, the planet becomes more unsustainable. Add in the world's current population of 7 billion, (9+ billion by 2050), and the macrocosm brings us even closer to resource depletion. This is why the idea of pronatalism is such a dangerous one, because children are brought up to glorify parenthood, and therefore, some decide to procreate selfishly. This does not mean that pronatalism is entirely bad, but if people continue to have children to the "nth degree", (4, 5, 6, 7...), then the economy, and eventually the world as a whole, will suffer because of it. Because of the pronatalism view, people like to assume that having a baby makes them a good parent, a happier person, and will lead to an old age where they are surrounded by doting, appreciative, and loving children; but that is certainly not true in all cases. I enjoy how The Baby Matrix questions these humanity-old practices and beliefs, allowing readers to get a real sense of reproductive responsibilities versus wants. Laura Carroll has written a very well-researched and compelling book that makes readers reflect on what they have been brought up to believe - no matter whether they are single, married, or with/without children. I also liked her ideas on adopted vs. biological children, the 7 Post-Pronatal Assumptions, and parenting "licenses". Appropriate cover art and nice formatting overall, I will be reading Laura Carroll's Families of Two in the future. This book is definitely an eye-opener, and I will be passing the word along to friends and colleagues. Highly recommended to readers 15 and up; this would be a great book for teenagers and prospective parents.
Rating: On the Run (4.5/5)
*** I received this book from the author (Pump Up Your Book) in exchange for an honest and unbiased review.
I come from a rather large family - some of my recent ancestors having as many as eighteen children, but just because I grew up with two siblings, tons of cousins, and a plethora of branches on my family tree does not mean that I am obligated to "go forth and multiply". Do not get me wrong, I love children, however, I do not currently desire to reproduce due to my career, and the fact that there are plenty of adoptable children who need homes and families. That said, I was very interested when I got the chance to read The Baby Matrix by Laura Carroll because she has similar viewpoints on the subject. The Earth may seem like an infinite resource at the constant disposal of the human race, but as the atmosphere weakens, the water, air, and ground become polluted, and precious fossil fuels are depleted, the planet becomes more unsustainable. Add in the world's current population of 7 billion, (9+ billion by 2050), and the macrocosm brings us even closer to resource depletion. This is why the idea of pronatalism is such a dangerous one, because children are brought up to glorify parenthood, and therefore, some decide to procreate selfishly. This does not mean that pronatalism is entirely bad, but if people continue to have children to the "nth degree", (4, 5, 6, 7...), then the economy, and eventually the world as a whole, will suffer because of it. Because of the pronatalism view, people like to assume that having a baby makes them a good parent, a happier person, and will lead to an old age where they are surrounded by doting, appreciative, and loving children; but that is certainly not true in all cases. I enjoy how The Baby Matrix questions these humanity-old practices and beliefs, allowing readers to get a real sense of reproductive responsibilities versus wants. Laura Carroll has written a very well-researched and compelling book that makes readers reflect on what they have been brought up to believe - no matter whether they are single, married, or with/without children. I also liked her ideas on adopted vs. biological children, the 7 Post-Pronatal Assumptions, and parenting "licenses". Appropriate cover art and nice formatting overall, I will be reading Laura Carroll's Families of Two in the future. This book is definitely an eye-opener, and I will be passing the word along to friends and colleagues. Highly recommended to readers 15 and up; this would be a great book for teenagers and prospective parents.
Rating: On the Run (4.5/5)
*** I received this book from the author (Pump Up Your Book) in exchange for an honest and unbiased review.
October 15, 2022
I found this book to be very prescriptive and also poorly written.
The author seems very concerned with the environmental ethics of having children. But, she is glib about the ethics of adopting other people’s babies, and even more upsetting, she advocates for forced sterilization.
She also is very dismissive of the pain people face when going through IVF, naively thinking that insurance companies are bearing the financial burden of these treatments, (they’re not).
She wants people to be free from pressure to have children, but is prescriptive that if you DO want to have children, it must happen in a SPECIFIC way. So, she’s offended that people are pressured to have kids, while simultaneously being dismissive of other people’s desires to have kids.
I honestly have no idea who this book is written for.
The author seems very concerned with the environmental ethics of having children. But, she is glib about the ethics of adopting other people’s babies, and even more upsetting, she advocates for forced sterilization.
She also is very dismissive of the pain people face when going through IVF, naively thinking that insurance companies are bearing the financial burden of these treatments, (they’re not).
She wants people to be free from pressure to have children, but is prescriptive that if you DO want to have children, it must happen in a SPECIFIC way. So, she’s offended that people are pressured to have kids, while simultaneously being dismissive of other people’s desires to have kids.
I honestly have no idea who this book is written for.
January 26, 2013
I didn't learn anything new from this book; but then again, this is an area I study, for others it might be worth the purchase. It is well written.
February 23, 2015
Adolescent writing. Incredibly dull. I don't really have anything good to say about it. And yes, I'm childfree.
January 14, 2022
Ok so, I finished The Baby Matrix last night and I highly recommend not reading that one if you're childfree or, ya know, a human being with a conscience. For one thing, its just not well written. It really feels like it could have been written by a college student.
There are many complaints that were just bad particularly the call to end "government incentives" to have children (welfare) and all of the overpopulation stuff. Overpopulation is a myth. The vast majority of waste on this planet is not caused by poor people with "too many kids."
At one point in the book, Carroll advocates for people with "too many kids" to receive certain taxes, something that would disproportionately affect the poor and marginalized (and would not actually help the climate considering rich people could pay without batting an eye). She also advocates for people to have to prove they are fit to be parents via a government issued program. Historically, any time the government has had a say in reproductive rights, it has harmed more than it has helped and come at the cost of marginalized folk, especially poc.
The history of reproductive rights in this country includes a time in which people were forcibly sterilized without their permission (and sometimes without their knowledge) due to them being seen as less worthy of having children. This includes Black and POC people as well as the disabled. It is inexcusable to advocate for such measures. Full stop.
There's plenty more I could criticize: the way that Carroll just assumes anyone old who didn't save enough to live off on must have just not planned ahead enough or the pointed mention of "undeveloped countries" averaging four children per family. Carroll's book also is extremely -straight and cis focused, to a degree that feels uncomfortable even when recognizing it came out in 2012 and maybe she just wasn't as aware of other identities (though it's not like LGBT+ people didn't exist back then). I also find the idea that people need to earn the right to reproduce or not to be extremely frustrating considering how reproductive rights have been steadily challenged in the last couple of decades in particular. It just ignores that aspect of reality because it's not convenient to her argument.
There are a few points I agree with Carroll on - like I do think we should be encouraging more adoption in our society and feel that it should as a whole considered as good an option as having biological children. I heartily disagree with many of her conclusions though.
The point is, this is mostly a bad book. I'm honestly kinda horrified that so many childfree people recommend it. On the plus side, I plan to use it as an example of how the childfree community can be pro-eugenics sometimes so...I guess thanks for that, Carroll!
There are many complaints that were just bad particularly the call to end "government incentives" to have children (welfare) and all of the overpopulation stuff. Overpopulation is a myth. The vast majority of waste on this planet is not caused by poor people with "too many kids."
At one point in the book, Carroll advocates for people with "too many kids" to receive certain taxes, something that would disproportionately affect the poor and marginalized (and would not actually help the climate considering rich people could pay without batting an eye). She also advocates for people to have to prove they are fit to be parents via a government issued program. Historically, any time the government has had a say in reproductive rights, it has harmed more than it has helped and come at the cost of marginalized folk, especially poc.
The history of reproductive rights in this country includes a time in which people were forcibly sterilized without their permission (and sometimes without their knowledge) due to them being seen as less worthy of having children. This includes Black and POC people as well as the disabled. It is inexcusable to advocate for such measures. Full stop.
There's plenty more I could criticize: the way that Carroll just assumes anyone old who didn't save enough to live off on must have just not planned ahead enough or the pointed mention of "undeveloped countries" averaging four children per family. Carroll's book also is extremely -straight and cis focused, to a degree that feels uncomfortable even when recognizing it came out in 2012 and maybe she just wasn't as aware of other identities (though it's not like LGBT+ people didn't exist back then). I also find the idea that people need to earn the right to reproduce or not to be extremely frustrating considering how reproductive rights have been steadily challenged in the last couple of decades in particular. It just ignores that aspect of reality because it's not convenient to her argument.
There are a few points I agree with Carroll on - like I do think we should be encouraging more adoption in our society and feel that it should as a whole considered as good an option as having biological children. I heartily disagree with many of her conclusions though.
The point is, this is mostly a bad book. I'm honestly kinda horrified that so many childfree people recommend it. On the plus side, I plan to use it as an example of how the childfree community can be pro-eugenics sometimes so...I guess thanks for that, Carroll!
October 9, 2017
The book is a thorough look at our dangerous cultural obsession with reproduction which I appreciate; however, Carroll is a poor non-fiction writer. She introduces research awkwardly and is terrible with quote usage. She doesn't seem to realize that you don't need to use quotes for general statements. The author lacks any depth of emotion in her writing. She doesn't try to connect with anyone who already has children other than to say that they are enough and shouldn't be bullied into always having one more. There really were no new ideas for me.
I agree that some of her points need to be included in school. Carroll tackles assumptions in her book. If you are ambivalent about having children, it is selfless to not have them. It shouldn't be an assumption that we do. Many people really shouldn't have children and we are grossly overpopulated and there is rampant starvation. As a society, we like to ignore the connection between mouths to feed and starvation. We are saddened by the starvation and yet it is taboo to tell people to only have as many children as they can support or to wait to get into a position where you can support them! It is crazy when you actually think about the implications. She also makes the point that having children is something you do for yourself and to not kid yourself that you are doing the world a favour. Children are a gift you give yourself and, if you are a good parent, a gift you give them. But own it and think about things clear headed without assumptions. She also talks about the preoccupation of pushing people to have one more child than they already do rather than enjoying the gifts they already have. We are told we never have enough (children, education, clothes, animals, beauty products, you name it) so that others feel validated about whatever they have or so that you can be sold more. Her discussion of topics was poorly balanced - my review was more balanced than her writing. I don't feel she took a look at the whole picture. That said, I don't have the assumptions she talks about, but it made me wonder if I have made assumptions about other ideas...and I suspect I have.
I agree that some of her points need to be included in school. Carroll tackles assumptions in her book. If you are ambivalent about having children, it is selfless to not have them. It shouldn't be an assumption that we do. Many people really shouldn't have children and we are grossly overpopulated and there is rampant starvation. As a society, we like to ignore the connection between mouths to feed and starvation. We are saddened by the starvation and yet it is taboo to tell people to only have as many children as they can support or to wait to get into a position where you can support them! It is crazy when you actually think about the implications. She also makes the point that having children is something you do for yourself and to not kid yourself that you are doing the world a favour. Children are a gift you give yourself and, if you are a good parent, a gift you give them. But own it and think about things clear headed without assumptions. She also talks about the preoccupation of pushing people to have one more child than they already do rather than enjoying the gifts they already have. We are told we never have enough (children, education, clothes, animals, beauty products, you name it) so that others feel validated about whatever they have or so that you can be sold more. Her discussion of topics was poorly balanced - my review was more balanced than her writing. I don't feel she took a look at the whole picture. That said, I don't have the assumptions she talks about, but it made me wonder if I have made assumptions about other ideas...and I suspect I have.
January 13, 2013
Eye-opening for both those who do and do not wish to have children.
For those who do, some kind suggestions in considering the bigger picture, the entire planet, as opposed to the ever-American smaller picture, "I want".
For those who choose to be childfree, some helpful suggestions on how to deal with society and familial pressures to reproduce.
In all, enlightening and full of support for both sides of the baby-having life choice.
For those who do, some kind suggestions in considering the bigger picture, the entire planet, as opposed to the ever-American smaller picture, "I want".
For those who choose to be childfree, some helpful suggestions on how to deal with society and familial pressures to reproduce.
In all, enlightening and full of support for both sides of the baby-having life choice.
January 20, 2013
everyone needs to read this whether they want children or not. It really made me think and gave me more evidence to support my not wanting children if anyone questions my soon to be husband and I about it.
June 27, 2017
I think Laura Carroll really thought this book out well. I think most baby-making people would be shocked by what she says, but their shock would come from the denial of truth. In truth, all the pronatal assumptions she presents in this book are 100% true and accurate. As someone who was once in a decade long relationship, even complete strangers who didn't know me would ask why I wasn't married or had any children. Pronatalism is everywhere and the assumptions that come along with it are really just absurd, and the sooner baby-making people can agree with it, the better. Just because you're someone who has or wants kids doesn't mean you can't agree with the absurdity of these assumptions (like the purpose of marriage is to have children or that people SHOULD want children and if they don't something is clearly wrong with them). The fact of the matter is that parenthood is for some and not for others and there is nothing wrong with either group of people.
I really liked the fact that Laura Carroll not only gave the assumptions, but offered a solution to the assumptions, and some of those solutions were straight up "in your face." Though I agreed completely with all of them - especially with the idea that to-be parents should be required to take some sort of parenting course before they have kids and that people who choose not to have children or adopt over having their own biological children should get bigger tax breaks due to the fact they are helping with controlling the overpopulation of the world. As I was reading her solutions, all I could think about is the amount of people who would gasp loudly at what she had to offer and immediately start complaining about how they weren't fair. But really...really, the only reason they'd say that is because they'd realize how incredibly fair it is but it would make them have to do extra work.
The bottom line is people really need to think long and hard about having children and not just have them because "that's what you're supposed to do." A sign of a successful life is not marriage and children. That's exactly what pronatalism wants you to think because it feeds into the economy and the "norm"... which isn't even the norm anymore. And baby-making people really need to stop pushing their parenthood frustrations onto those of us who choose not to have kids. We are not selfish, immature, and there is nothing wrong with us. The difference between us and them is we've actually had the long, hard conversation with ourselves over if children are something we want or not and realized it wasn't for us and we weren't going to do it just because that's what you're "supposed to do." Also, just because we don't have children doesn't mean are lives aren't fulfilling. And there is more to a long term relationship then "well when are you going to get married and have kids." In addition to that, I'll also add to those who are newly wed, in their defense, there is more to a marriage other than "well when are you going to start having kids."
This book was well thought out, and I hope it made some readers uncomfortable. People really need to start thinking seriously about all these assumptions and the determent it has to society and themselves. I am behind Laura Carroll 100% on all her offered solutions, and I will never be afraid to say it.
I think this is a good read for those who don't have/don't want children and for those who do to offer understanding and insight.
I really liked the fact that Laura Carroll not only gave the assumptions, but offered a solution to the assumptions, and some of those solutions were straight up "in your face." Though I agreed completely with all of them - especially with the idea that to-be parents should be required to take some sort of parenting course before they have kids and that people who choose not to have children or adopt over having their own biological children should get bigger tax breaks due to the fact they are helping with controlling the overpopulation of the world. As I was reading her solutions, all I could think about is the amount of people who would gasp loudly at what she had to offer and immediately start complaining about how they weren't fair. But really...really, the only reason they'd say that is because they'd realize how incredibly fair it is but it would make them have to do extra work.
The bottom line is people really need to think long and hard about having children and not just have them because "that's what you're supposed to do." A sign of a successful life is not marriage and children. That's exactly what pronatalism wants you to think because it feeds into the economy and the "norm"... which isn't even the norm anymore. And baby-making people really need to stop pushing their parenthood frustrations onto those of us who choose not to have kids. We are not selfish, immature, and there is nothing wrong with us. The difference between us and them is we've actually had the long, hard conversation with ourselves over if children are something we want or not and realized it wasn't for us and we weren't going to do it just because that's what you're "supposed to do." Also, just because we don't have children doesn't mean are lives aren't fulfilling. And there is more to a long term relationship then "well when are you going to get married and have kids." In addition to that, I'll also add to those who are newly wed, in their defense, there is more to a marriage other than "well when are you going to start having kids."
This book was well thought out, and I hope it made some readers uncomfortable. People really need to start thinking seriously about all these assumptions and the determent it has to society and themselves. I am behind Laura Carroll 100% on all her offered solutions, and I will never be afraid to say it.
I think this is a good read for those who don't have/don't want children and for those who do to offer understanding and insight.
January 12, 2025
As a guy I agree with what's in the book and am childfree, but I don't like it when a group tries to convince others of their agenda. I'm yet to encounter a childfree book that just lists all the fun things you get to do if you don't have kids, letting you to come to the naturaly conclusion on you own that it's the better path for you. Instead the book delves into the politics of this and human rights. Even if I agree that it's probably a happier life, I'm this way because I enjoy the silence and that's about it. There does not need to be a higher order reason like it's good for the globe or for my carbon footprint.
If everyone would be this way like us, humanity would end in 100 years. I think it's better if people (the lucky few smart enough :D) decide for themselves that it's okay not to have kids, but the capitalist in me don't want to influence other people's choices. We need replenishment of young people and new talent, else it's just a retirement home society. I don't fear overpopulation as we'll manage it with more high rise buildings, less agricultural land with synthetic food or however it'll be. The problem with trying to convince people to be childfree that only those that could easily afford one, but decide not to (as they have better things to do in life) (with more assets or whatever) will heed the advice. Those that don't even use birth control right now will continue to spawn kids, shifting the balance toward idiocracy. I think this may have been the plot of a movie too? Smart/affluent stop procreating and the opposing cohorts take over.
The book aptly covers what happens if you are old and how one might not want to depend on their kids. It's always an expectation trap, and what's worse is if your kid also decides to have kids then you are suddently on grandparent duty, after 18+ years of waiting for the first gen to grow up. I wouldn't want to expect anything from my family, to take care of me medically or financially. I believe one should be able to afford pro care if needed at the end of their lives. I'm in a loving family but from what I've seen, the end is never "good" we all die alone anyway. Your husband/wife dies, you fail to remarry, and then you end up alone for another 25+ years. I know it's unthinkable but your kids could die as well. It's selfish to expect anything in return for caring for them.
Overall the book is okay but is just your average childfree book, not much new to "learn" from it, most of it is just common sense but many will not see it that way. A recurring theme is that these books barely cover guys, as if we don't have a say, as if all men wanted to have kids by default or whatever. Well, we are out there, hello! It won't change non-childfree people, and the alrady childfree won't become "even more childfree" after reading it. Society would be outraged if some of the books ideas were implemented, so I'd continue to leave it as a personal decision such as veganism or whatever.
If everyone would be this way like us, humanity would end in 100 years. I think it's better if people (the lucky few smart enough :D) decide for themselves that it's okay not to have kids, but the capitalist in me don't want to influence other people's choices. We need replenishment of young people and new talent, else it's just a retirement home society. I don't fear overpopulation as we'll manage it with more high rise buildings, less agricultural land with synthetic food or however it'll be. The problem with trying to convince people to be childfree that only those that could easily afford one, but decide not to (as they have better things to do in life) (with more assets or whatever) will heed the advice. Those that don't even use birth control right now will continue to spawn kids, shifting the balance toward idiocracy. I think this may have been the plot of a movie too? Smart/affluent stop procreating and the opposing cohorts take over.
The book aptly covers what happens if you are old and how one might not want to depend on their kids. It's always an expectation trap, and what's worse is if your kid also decides to have kids then you are suddently on grandparent duty, after 18+ years of waiting for the first gen to grow up. I wouldn't want to expect anything from my family, to take care of me medically or financially. I believe one should be able to afford pro care if needed at the end of their lives. I'm in a loving family but from what I've seen, the end is never "good" we all die alone anyway. Your husband/wife dies, you fail to remarry, and then you end up alone for another 25+ years. I know it's unthinkable but your kids could die as well. It's selfish to expect anything in return for caring for them.
Overall the book is okay but is just your average childfree book, not much new to "learn" from it, most of it is just common sense but many will not see it that way. A recurring theme is that these books barely cover guys, as if we don't have a say, as if all men wanted to have kids by default or whatever. Well, we are out there, hello! It won't change non-childfree people, and the alrady childfree won't become "even more childfree" after reading it. Society would be outraged if some of the books ideas were implemented, so I'd continue to leave it as a personal decision such as veganism or whatever.
Read
December 22, 20211- “We are living in a time of “baby worship” Thanks to celebrities and the media, pregnancy and the raising of children is glamorized like no other time in history.”
Ellan Walker - Complete Without Kids.
2- LeMasters pointed out that when a social role such as motherhood and fatherhood is difficult, a romantic myth needs to surround it to keep it in its most positive light.
3- Laws preventing women from owning property were particularly powerful in fortifying natulism: not being able to own property of their own made women more dependent on men to provide them the place to do whet socially accepted. Womenly women did — have children.
4- The medical community at the time also purported that women who bore children would live longer than who didn’t.
5-While the movement empowered woman in a number of ways, it didn’t challenge childbearing directly, the empowerment that came from access to birth control focused more on their power to choose when to have a child not whether to have a child at all.
6- Today, as in the past, social forces are reinforcing the universal idealization and maternity.
7- Why do we see pregnancy ads on a 20-something’s page on her birthday? The algorithm must predict that she will be pregnant soon.
8- Advertising uses the image of “Family” to sell its products, whether it’s designed for that purpose or not.
9- Pronatalism is all around us in public murals.
10- Pronatalism dogma tells us that everyone is destined to become parents.
11- Giving birth, we are told, is a basic human needs! Women in particular are given massages that they are wired to have children and want them.
12- “Humans no longer have instincts because we have ability to override them in certain situations.”
Abraham Maslow
13- Just because we humans have the biological ability to conceive and bear children doesn’t mean we have an instinctive desire to become parents or even have the ability to parent.
14- The longer a man waits to have a child, the more likely his child will be affected by things like schizophrenia, dwarfism, bipolar disorder, or autism.
15- If wanting children was actually an instinct, there would be no need for the social control to encourage and influence reproduction.
16- The better we understand out motives and the more we recognize parenthood as a choice and not a biological imperative, the more likely we are to make the best choice for ourselves and our society.
Ellan Walker - Complete Without Kids.
2- LeMasters pointed out that when a social role such as motherhood and fatherhood is difficult, a romantic myth needs to surround it to keep it in its most positive light.
3- Laws preventing women from owning property were particularly powerful in fortifying natulism: not being able to own property of their own made women more dependent on men to provide them the place to do whet socially accepted. Womenly women did — have children.
4- The medical community at the time also purported that women who bore children would live longer than who didn’t.
5-While the movement empowered woman in a number of ways, it didn’t challenge childbearing directly, the empowerment that came from access to birth control focused more on their power to choose when to have a child not whether to have a child at all.
6- Today, as in the past, social forces are reinforcing the universal idealization and maternity.
7- Why do we see pregnancy ads on a 20-something’s page on her birthday? The algorithm must predict that she will be pregnant soon.
8- Advertising uses the image of “Family” to sell its products, whether it’s designed for that purpose or not.
9- Pronatalism is all around us in public murals.
10- Pronatalism dogma tells us that everyone is destined to become parents.
11- Giving birth, we are told, is a basic human needs! Women in particular are given massages that they are wired to have children and want them.
12- “Humans no longer have instincts because we have ability to override them in certain situations.”
Abraham Maslow
13- Just because we humans have the biological ability to conceive and bear children doesn’t mean we have an instinctive desire to become parents or even have the ability to parent.
14- The longer a man waits to have a child, the more likely his child will be affected by things like schizophrenia, dwarfism, bipolar disorder, or autism.
15- If wanting children was actually an instinct, there would be no need for the social control to encourage and influence reproduction.
16- The better we understand out motives and the more we recognize parenthood as a choice and not a biological imperative, the more likely we are to make the best choice for ourselves and our society.
March 5, 2024
The author focuses on discussing 7 assumptions of pronatalism:
1. We have a biological instinct to have children.
2. There is something wrong with you if you don’t want children.
3. The purpose of marriage is to have children.
4. Everyone has the right to have children.
5. We all have the right to have as many biological children as we want.
6. The ultimate path to fulfillment in life is parenthood.
7. My children will be there for me when I am old.
As someone who has thought about each of these statements at some point, the statements themselves weren’t new to me, but what *was* new was seeing how these assumptions can be harmful to people (as individuals and as a society) and also seeing just how pervasive these assumptions are.
I liked reading this book, but what’s keeping me from rating it higher is that I think it wasn’t as thoroughly fleshed out with its research and references as I would’ve liked. Sometimes when looking up references in the back for things I wanted to read more about, it was only to a conversation the author had with someone, or to a Wikipedia page, or a news article. I still think this book has some interesting points to consider, but because of this, it sometimes reads a little more like one person’s point of view, rather than an objective argument for reconsidering pronatalism.
1. We have a biological instinct to have children.
2. There is something wrong with you if you don’t want children.
3. The purpose of marriage is to have children.
4. Everyone has the right to have children.
5. We all have the right to have as many biological children as we want.
6. The ultimate path to fulfillment in life is parenthood.
7. My children will be there for me when I am old.
As someone who has thought about each of these statements at some point, the statements themselves weren’t new to me, but what *was* new was seeing how these assumptions can be harmful to people (as individuals and as a society) and also seeing just how pervasive these assumptions are.
I liked reading this book, but what’s keeping me from rating it higher is that I think it wasn’t as thoroughly fleshed out with its research and references as I would’ve liked. Sometimes when looking up references in the back for things I wanted to read more about, it was only to a conversation the author had with someone, or to a Wikipedia page, or a news article. I still think this book has some interesting points to consider, but because of this, it sometimes reads a little more like one person’s point of view, rather than an objective argument for reconsidering pronatalism.
October 18, 2019
"The Baby Matrix" is all about pronatalism -- the pervasive belief that everyone should have children, and that parenthood is a necessary step on the road to becoming an adult, as well as the ultimate way to lead a fulfilling life. Author Laura Carroll believes pronatalism is NOT a good thing, and the book explains why, taking some commonly held pronatalist assumptions, debunking them and offering alternative ways of thinking.
Like so many other forms of privilege, pronatalism is something that many (most?) people simply don't see because they are so thoroughly immersed in it. Often, it's only when you find yourself outside the majority, or what's considered the "norm" (e.g., if you are infertile, grieving a lost pregnancy, childless not by choice or childfree by choice) that you see it and understand just how pervasive it is. Carroll is childfree by choice and approaches the subject from this perspective, but there is plenty in her analysis that will be familiar to those of us who are involuntarily childless.
I'm not sure I agree with everything Carroll has to say here. For example, she believes it should become the norm for couples to adopt as a first choice in family building, instead of having biological children. As many of us who have tried to adopt or even just investigated the subject of adoption know, there aren't as many children out there available for adoption as some people would like to think... Should parenting education be mandatory? -- I don't disagree that parenting education would be a good thing, but making it mandatory and trying to enforce that would much be easier said than done...!
Overall, though, Carroll's central argument -- that our thinking around parenthood & reproduction is outmoded and in dire need of an overhaul -- is valid and well presented. Whether or not you agree with some or all of what she has to say -- and whether or not you're a parent (or hoping to be one someday) -- this book deserves a read and some consideration. It's thought-provoking and eye-opening, as well as thoroughly researched.
Like so many other forms of privilege, pronatalism is something that many (most?) people simply don't see because they are so thoroughly immersed in it. Often, it's only when you find yourself outside the majority, or what's considered the "norm" (e.g., if you are infertile, grieving a lost pregnancy, childless not by choice or childfree by choice) that you see it and understand just how pervasive it is. Carroll is childfree by choice and approaches the subject from this perspective, but there is plenty in her analysis that will be familiar to those of us who are involuntarily childless.
I'm not sure I agree with everything Carroll has to say here. For example, she believes it should become the norm for couples to adopt as a first choice in family building, instead of having biological children. As many of us who have tried to adopt or even just investigated the subject of adoption know, there aren't as many children out there available for adoption as some people would like to think... Should parenting education be mandatory? -- I don't disagree that parenting education would be a good thing, but making it mandatory and trying to enforce that would much be easier said than done...!
Overall, though, Carroll's central argument -- that our thinking around parenthood & reproduction is outmoded and in dire need of an overhaul -- is valid and well presented. Whether or not you agree with some or all of what she has to say -- and whether or not you're a parent (or hoping to be one someday) -- this book deserves a read and some consideration. It's thought-provoking and eye-opening, as well as thoroughly researched.
April 4, 2025
Finally, a childfree book that advocates for childfree people in a well-researched and thoughtful way. It explores the history and evolution of pronatalism, highlighting how it continues to shape today’s society—through the media, politics, schools, workplaces, and culture. It also emphasizes that childfree individuals deserve equal rights when it comes to work-life balance, especially since parenthood is a personal choice. The book challenges common myths and the romanticization of parenthood, while respectfully acknowledging the fulfillment parents experience in raising children—just as childfree individuals find fulfillment in their chosen lifestyle. It also sheds light on the often-ignored realities such as childabuse in dysfunctional homes and children in foster care. This broader perspective calls on us not to turn a blind eye to pressing issues like overpopulation and our carbon footprint
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 15, 2022
Some points raised in this book I had already thought of myself as I try to decide whether to become a parent… some other points (that I thankfully had not thought of) kind of felt like eugenics. Didn’t love that. So, two stars.
January 20, 2018
no new info for me here and not terribly well presented. These are important ideas that need to be put out there but I didn't find this book particularly rallying or groundbreaking.
October 14, 2020
It was okay. Probably could have read a long blog post instead of an entire book repeating the same things over and over again.
October 2, 2021
2/5 ⭐️. Maybe 1.
Some decent points; more problematic ones.
Some decent points; more problematic ones.
August 12, 2023
Definitely thought provoking; more extreme than I liked in some ways but I get where the author has to ‘go there’ to get her points across. Hmmmmmm.
July 15, 2012
I'm only about halfway through with this right now. As someone who is pretty vocal about the fact that I don't want to have kids, I was pretty excited about this when I saw it. And the author does make a lot of good points, many of which I agree with or have made myself.
But I'm still having a couple of issues with it:
1) In an early chapter, she talks about how social welfare programs (and other social programs, for that matter) really only benefit those who are married and / or have kids. This is absolutely true-- society rewards you if you do what they want you to do: marry & procreate, with tax incentives, etc. But it also sounded like she believed some of the myths about the "welfare queen," too, and that really bothers me. I used to babysit for a low-income family headed by a single mother. There are a lot of flaws with the system. It's not doing a good enough job of taking care of the people who are already on this planet, which is why it shouldn't be used as an incentive for people to have more children. While she does mention the population issue, she doesn't quite manage to connect it to the issues that make overpopulation a problem. The welfare example would have been a good place to do this.
2) The book is poorly edited, which is causing the author to lose some credibility with me. At first I chalked a lot of it up to the fact that it's a Kindle edition-- sometimes the formatting gets weird with those. But then she referred to Betty Friedan's book _The Feminine Mystique_ as _The Feminist Mystique_. Seriously, what kind of editor can't catch that?
3) Right now I'm at the part where she's talking about how we need to set up a licensing program for potential parents, just as we have a licensing program for drivers of cars. Admittedly, this is something I've thought about, too-- she makes good points about how, if we have to apply for the jobs that we do, and we as a society value parenting so much, we should have some kind of screening process in place. But she's going into all this detail about exactly what kind of program she would implement if she could, and the pro-choicer in me is cringing. If I want to keep the government the hell away from that aspect of my life, then I also take issue with a lot of the things she's proposing: forced birth control, tax punishments for people who go ahead and have kids anyway, etc. I was reminded of forced sterilizations that occurred in the U.S. right up through the 1970s (see _Killing the Black Body: Race, Reproduction, and the Meaning of Liberty_ by Dorothy Roberts). While something obviously needs to be done about the overpopulation issue, and I wholeheartedly agree with encouraging people to make informed decisions about their reproductive lives, this should not come at the expense of people's bodily autonomy.
But I'm still having a couple of issues with it:
1) In an early chapter, she talks about how social welfare programs (and other social programs, for that matter) really only benefit those who are married and / or have kids. This is absolutely true-- society rewards you if you do what they want you to do: marry & procreate, with tax incentives, etc. But it also sounded like she believed some of the myths about the "welfare queen," too, and that really bothers me. I used to babysit for a low-income family headed by a single mother. There are a lot of flaws with the system. It's not doing a good enough job of taking care of the people who are already on this planet, which is why it shouldn't be used as an incentive for people to have more children. While she does mention the population issue, she doesn't quite manage to connect it to the issues that make overpopulation a problem. The welfare example would have been a good place to do this.
2) The book is poorly edited, which is causing the author to lose some credibility with me. At first I chalked a lot of it up to the fact that it's a Kindle edition-- sometimes the formatting gets weird with those. But then she referred to Betty Friedan's book _The Feminine Mystique_ as _The Feminist Mystique_. Seriously, what kind of editor can't catch that?
3) Right now I'm at the part where she's talking about how we need to set up a licensing program for potential parents, just as we have a licensing program for drivers of cars. Admittedly, this is something I've thought about, too-- she makes good points about how, if we have to apply for the jobs that we do, and we as a society value parenting so much, we should have some kind of screening process in place. But she's going into all this detail about exactly what kind of program she would implement if she could, and the pro-choicer in me is cringing. If I want to keep the government the hell away from that aspect of my life, then I also take issue with a lot of the things she's proposing: forced birth control, tax punishments for people who go ahead and have kids anyway, etc. I was reminded of forced sterilizations that occurred in the U.S. right up through the 1970s (see _Killing the Black Body: Race, Reproduction, and the Meaning of Liberty_ by Dorothy Roberts). While something obviously needs to be done about the overpopulation issue, and I wholeheartedly agree with encouraging people to make informed decisions about their reproductive lives, this should not come at the expense of people's bodily autonomy.
December 19, 2012
The Baby Matrix book was a quick read, and one I would highly recommend for parents (new and experienced), people considering whether they want to reproduce, and the childfree. This book isn't about attacking parents! The focus is instead on the assumptions associated with our pro-natal society, why we have them, and why they are (or can be) harmful. The book is well-edited and includes citations to many studies and other books, which I appreciate.
Honestly, this book is one I will be recommending to many of my family and friends with the hope that it will open their eyes to the downsides of their socially-constructed responses to my own childfreedom.
Honestly, this book is one I will be recommending to many of my family and friends with the hope that it will open their eyes to the downsides of their socially-constructed responses to my own childfreedom.
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