Panic and Joy: My Solo Path to Motherhood

by Emma Brockes

An explosive and hilarious memoir about the exceptional and life-changing decision to conceive a child on one's own via assisted reproduction
 
When British journalist, memoirist, and New York-transplant Emma Brockes decides to become pregnant, she quickly realizes that, being single, thirty-seven, and in the early stages of a same-sex relationship, she's going to have to be untraditional about it. From the moment she decides to stop "futzing" around, have her eggs counted, and "get cracking"; through multiple rounds of IUI; to the births of her twins, which her girlfriend gamely documents with her iPhone and selfie stick, Brockes brings the reader every step of the way--all the while exploring the cultural circumstances and choices that have brought her to this point. With mordant wit and remarkable candor, Brockes shares the frustrations, embarrassments, surprises, and, finally, joys of her momentous and excellent choice.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Parenting, Queer, Biography Memoir, Audiobook, Biography

301 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 26, 2018

About the author

Emma Brockes (born 1975) is a British author and a contributor to The Guardian and The New York Times. She lives in New York.

Reviews

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book- but I have to say, there will be people who really dislike this book, both the very left and the very right. It is a memoir, not just of a woman's decision to have children (how conservative), relationship status be damned (how liberal!), but also of a type of adulthood that is currently more reality than the "adulthood" of the past that meant an early marriage, stable career, and early parenthood. Adulthood, in today's world, increasingly means long term friendships becoming closer than family, free-lance work offering more privilege and more problems than previous work schedules, and the choice of relationships and children becoming less and less intertwined or linear. I enjoyed Brockes wit as a writer, and her comparisons between British and American healthcare (both systematic and cultural). She is aware of her privileges, and her relationship to L is....well, both interesting to read about and deeply confounding to me (a very single person.) Overall, worth a read, and it's quick, just know, to paraphrase loosely Brockes, books about parenting makes everyone feel a little fascist.

For what it's worth, if I had a physical copy, I would put this on the shelf next to Dan Savage's "The Kid."

[Sally Stieglitz · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an engaging read! In this memoir, British journalist and New York transplant Emma Brockes describes her emotional and twisty path to becoming a single mother. Finding herself both at the upper limit of her fertile years and the early days of a relationship with a new partner (herself a new mother), Brockes is forced to confront the necessity of deciding without delay if she 1) wants to be a mother, 2) wants to co-parent, and 3) is willing to go through the physical, emotional, and financial upheaval of fertility treatments and artificial insemination. What follows is a lengthy journey of self examination, societal examination, and relationship examination, all illustrated by real life obstacles and triumphs. I particularly enjoyed Brockes’ wry observation on the differences between the British and American attitudes and expectations for health care (we don’t come out shining, but neither do they).
Brockes spends a great deal of time on her relationship with her partner, each raising a separate family in the same apartment building, but not co-parenting. They have found a solution that makes sense for them but Brockes’ apparent need to repeatedly explain it comes across as a self soothing exercise for the author.
Also engaging were Brockes’ insights into the antagonistic attitudes towards all women’s choices: early parenting, late parenting, single parenting, having one child, having several, having multiples. The thought that all choices are subject to varying criticism rings very true to me.

Book club suitability: Very engaging read, better as a recommendation to a friend than a book club selection as nothing is as fraught as a discussion with friends about having children/not having children, a fact well acknowledged by the author.

[Ilya Petoukhov · Rating 4 out of 5]

A light hearted, engaging and very insightful window into one of the most challenging ways of becoming a parent. As a male-part-time-co-parent-to-be for a single mom friend of mine, I enjoyed every single bit of it and learned a lot on what it means to:
1. become a parent
2. jump through all the necessary health hoops, especially so in assisted parenthood
3. what this does to you emotionally as a mum.
A recommended read for all future parents and not just single moms. Even if only to understand the other people you'll meet on the playground of your toddler's school.

[Becky Loader · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would like to know Emma Brockes. She is a woman who knows herself and takes action on her own behalf. Her quest to become a mother is serious and humorous. I must admit I laughed out loud a couple of times, as she found her way down this difficult path.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I read Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb earlier this year, it sent me into a bit of a fear-induced tailspin; this charming, unorthodox memoir was a great foil to that book. I realize it’s really beneficial for me to see multiple women’s perspectives on single parenthood before I start angsting about it as a “backup plan”! I thought it was really cool how unconventional Brockes’ dynamic was, and she approached everything with humor and an attitude that I really connected to. It was great to see the process of solo IUI and follow her emotional journey throughout. This book really fulfilled the niche I was looking for when I picked it up!

[Brooke · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maybe if I read this at a different time in my life I might've liked it more. I don't know...

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

recaps the journey of her late-30s decision to have a child solo via assisted reproduction -- the child ends up being twin girls. Major sub-themes include missing her deceased Mom; ambiguous status of her relationship with partner who is also the Mom of a toddler son and ultimately lives upstairs from the author; New York city competitive-everything culture; and ways in which the USA differs from author's native England.

obviously a matter of taste, but i could have used more on what held her and partner back from just entirely blending their families, given how much they did share, and less on the England-is-like-this/America-is-like-that stuff [ex: i've heard of the National Health Service and know the broad outlines of how it differs -- it's not as though she used to live on the South Pole at an experimental research station].

She's funny, and some of her rants were engaging, plus of course babies are fascinating. Subtitle sums up a lot -- she recaptures nicely the simultaneous thrill and fear involved [you're going to let the baby/ies come home? with me/us? and no health care provider? why?].

nevertheless, it became a bit of a slog for me to get through. I sometimes say books should have been magazine articles, and that's probably unrealistic here, but instead of 287 pages maybe 150 would do. Particularly in the long stretch about mechanics of trying to get pregnant I found myself skimming and considering stopping altogether. Only so many ways to say it's expensive, insurance logistics are tedious and frustrating, and the process is uncertain to work and therefore frustrating until it isn't. Some of the blow-by-blow of medical apptmts could IMO have been cut.

[Pamela · Rating 4 out of 5]

I very much enjoyed Emma's company. It felt like listening in on Bridget Jones's diary, with all of her friends and their acerbity. Also, I've been reading a lot about motherhood this year, and this is the only book I've read so far that talks frankly, honestly, and deeply about fertility issues, including miscarriages, IUI, IVF, donors, and health insurance—and though she clearly states that these experiences are traumatic, she also writes with such humor that I (who struggled with many of these same issues) felt both validated but untriggered. Also also, Emma's observations about the American health care system vs. the British health care system were very interesting and much fodder for household discussion about universal health care.

[Laura Skladzinski · Rating 3 out of 5]

The subject of this was fascinating (a woman who decides to have a baby on her own), but I didn't find the author to be very likeable. I also didn't find it as relatable that her girlfriend already had a baby on her own, and the two of them helped each other through the process. While I understand this is autobiographical, it didn't made the whole process seem like not as much of a "solo path" when both girlfriends were doing the same thing (even if it wasn't simultaneously). However, this was a solid realistic view at what the path to solo motherhood would entail.

[Madalene · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a pleasure to find this book so funny to read! The author's sense of comedic timing was well done, and while this story might not be of interest to everyone (British journalist moves to U.S., has a Tim Burton/Helena Bonham Carter type living situation with her partner, and decides she wants to have a baby despite being shocked at the U.S. medical system and how one pays for care); it has plenty of ups and downs that were enjoyable to read. I look forward to her next book.

[Marisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Brockes is funny and a good writer, and this is a very accessible book, but it's also light on details and research. I can tell she's a journalist. It felt like she was very stuck on her relationship with her partner and how to explain it to herself and others. It just doesn't seem like it's that confusing - separating a relationship from parenting is not unimaginable, or even that weird. She started the book with a very definite stance on explaining why she wanted children - she just wanted them, and that's all there is to it. I wish she had taken this same approach with how she discusses her partner and their relationship. She explains it over and over, in ever chapter, like she's working through it in the process of writing this book.

I also just couldn't get past the fact that she doesn't think IUI should be covered by insurance. It's a weird moral high ground to take. And she doesn't think women should expect, or ask, their families to help raise their children. Very weird. Lots of people, even in more conventional partnerships, rely on their families to help raise children! Just hard to connect with the author, really.

[Marian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book in a day. I couldn’t put it down. Not just because it spoke so clearly to my own questions and journey. Not just because I was at the outset of something she navigated. But also because it is a good book. She’s funny and thoughtful and compelling. Her narrative is captivating. She’s a great writer.

Financially, it is wild. She can’t afford $24000 more in rent, but then does. She’s shocked by shelling out how much in fertility treatments but doesn’t need to sell her London apartment. She values the independence of her own WiFi over the cost savings with her partner sharing it.... huh? I think there is something that happens with $ where you see the people who have more than you and you feel broke... but I also think money is an incredible stressor and when you have had it and been single and successful to then take on children - and want to be able to afford them at a certain level - is scary. Or I’m scared.

I’m super scared. And the humor and truth of how I’m feeling is right there in front of me on the page. I needed this book. Sitting in my single and independent and 39 and gay and wanting to be a mom body. And I needed this book. Plus, it was good.

[Kim · Rating 1 out of 5]

I know this is a memoir, so I shouldn't have expectations of the book, but I find that the memoir is hard to like. The author is not your typical single mother. She coparents with her partner in a unique situation where they live near each other and each have their own pregnancy and child/ren. So, it is like coparented and copartnered sort of life. The author also has plenty of support, like her partner and friends that fill her life as well. She is lucky in that aspect as she also is able to balance and juggle her SMC life as she travels and works as a journalist.

I don't recommend this book to people who are single and wanting to relate to the author. Although the experience is similar in TTC and learning about her pregnancy and C-section, it feels too different to bond with for me.

The author also prides herself of triumphs, but simultaneously is very judgemental of others choices or existence. She recognizes it, but doesn't seem to learn from them.

I could not wait to finish the book. It wasn't really a thoughtful or relatable experience.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed listening to this book. As a woman who had difficulty conceiving, her account resonated with my frustrated and disappointed soul. The relationship she had with Elle was a complicated one, I'm sure, but I found it unsettling at best. Perhaps it was her mindset or perhaps it's mine, but if I'm in a relationship, I want to help and be there through the bad times as well as the good. That part set my teeth on edge, actually. Overall, a great story of the differences in health care systems, the difficulties of being a single mom in NYC, and ultimately, the journey to motherhood in a society that predominantly favors a two-parent system.

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Maybe I should read more memoirs as a way of getting more nonfiction in, because I quite enjoyed this one. I'd forgotten I meant to read it after some excerpts had been published in The Guardian, so those pieces are something to check out to see if you'd want to get a closer look into her decision-making. She's very self-aware, which I always appreciate in memoirs. It's also interesting to see the inner challenges she had with wanting to be pregnant so much alongside with holding liberal and feminist politics.

[Blair · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a bit stuffy but this was written by a journalist. I read “Knocked Up” by Michelle Tea which made me laugh. This was more factual did enjoy the different take on IVF through the American and UK healthcare. In the beginning of the book, I think the writer went on and on about her relationship with L. Through the end of her writing and her book, you could tell writing the book was catharsis for her. The reader had a more clear picture of what her and L had in a relationship but not raising all the kids together as a family unit.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

British ex-pat living in NYC, working as a freelance journalist, in a committed but firmly defined (as-in, we love each other but need to live separately) relationship, wrote a whole book about her choice to become a single parent. She describes her decision-making and all the bumps along the way. Her writing is smart, clear, funny and highly relatable. She seems like a really fun person to know.

[Valerie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting read for the topic and themes that she covered but I thought her writing style was just bad. She tried to pack so many thoughts and descriptive phrases into her sentences that it was hard to follow what she was trying to convey. She also jumped around a lot too between topics and thoughts. I found it a frustrating read.

[George Longmate · Rating 3 out of 5]

As an existing parent I found this quite a long and drawn out process whereby the author decides to have a child. I thought I would appreciate it more as my husband is a donor but it fell short. It'd be good for an individual on a fertility journey or those considering sperm donation or single parenthood as it goes into depth about her considerations.

[Alice · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think the author and I have some fundamental belief differences (single people absolutely should be their own medical category in the context she gives) but this was very entertaining. I loved the story of her not living with her partner. I am married and we live separately and it's GREAT, so this part was really lovely to hear represented.

[Cari · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fabulous memoir. I loved the writing, how I got to know the author, her country, and her family. It was laugh-out-loud funny in parts, and seriously poignant in others. Thanks to Edelweiss for the early copy.

[Isabelle Solal · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book that treats a difficult subject with a rare and refreshing mix of levity and honesty. As Brockes notes, every solo mom’s journey is different, just as every parent’s path to parenthood is different - but this memoir helped me revisit and rethink my own experience.

[Nikki Benecke · Rating 4 out of 5]

honest and hilarious

I love the author’s candor about her life before kids, about her ambivalence about actually becoming pregnant, about her complicated relationship, etc. At times I found the timeline in the book hard to follow, but other than that, i thought it quite good.

[Bridget · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had a hard time with this one. The author and I have very different views on life, but forcing myself to read through her ways of making decisions and the non-resolution of her situation was worth it.

[Isabella · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolutely delightful read. Brockes describes her unique motherhood experience in a way that I believe all mothers can at various points identify. Reads like a beautiful love letter to her girls, L, her friends, her mother, and her father.

[Tena · Rating 3 out of 5]

I won this ARC in a GOODREADS giveaway!

[Leanne Ellis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well-written and honest. I think having children was good for the author's narcissism and stubbornness.

[Mary Mitchell · Rating 5 out of 5]

A well-written and fast-moving story of a journalist's turbulent path to single parenthood, this memoir chronicles the author's initial fear, indecision, frustration and eventual joy along the way.

[Marissa Rapone · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating book on how one woman chose to become a mother through sperm donation, and the counter-cultural choices that lead her through her journey.

[Jennifer Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny, touching and thought-provoking. I annoyed my husband by insisting on reading so many sections to him. I found the start a little slow but was hooked by the second chapter.