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"This is an old and wicked island. An island of Phoenicians and merchants, of bloodsuckers and frauds."
Ana María Matute's 1959 novel (original title Primera memoria) is a stifling story of rebellious adolescence, narrated by Matia, as she struggles against her domineering grandmother, schemes with her mercurial cousin Borja and begins to fall in love with the strange boy Manuel.
Steeped in myth, fairy tale and biblical allusion, the novel depicts Mallorca as an enchanted but wicked island, a lost Eden and Never Never Land combined, where the sun burns through stained glass windows and the wind tears itself on the agaves. Ostensibly concerned with Matia's anxieties about entering the adult world, this internal conflict is set against the much wider, deeper, and more frightening conflict of the civil war as it plays out almost secretly on the island, set in turn against the backdrop of the Inquisition's mass burning of Jews in previous centuries. These two conflicts shimmer at the edges of Matia's highly subjective account of her life on the island, where life is drawn along painful and divisive lines.
256 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 7, 1959
At that moment I understood, and it hurt me to know everything. (To know how darkly adults lived and to know that I was an adult. It hurt me and I felt the pain physically).
Never Never Land had never existed and the Little Mermaid never did get an immortal soul, because men and women didn't know how to love; and she ended up with a pair of useless legs and she turned to foam. Fairy tales were horrible.
A tiny green lizard came out from under a stone. The two of us remained very quiet looking at it. Our eyes were close to the ground and, from between the grasses, the lizard looked at us. His tiny eyes, like pinheads, were sharp and terrible. For moments it seemed like the awful dragon of Saint George, in the stained-glass window of Santa Maria. I said to myself: "He belongs among the men: the ugly things of men and women." And I was at the point of growing and changing into a woman. Or probably I already was. My hands felt cold, in the midst of the heat. "No, no, let them wait a little longer... a little longer." But who had to wait? It was I, only I, who was a traitor to myself at every turn. It was I, I myself, and no one else, who was betraying Gorogo and the Island of Never-Never. I thought: "What kind of monster am I now?" I closed my eyes in order not to feel the tiny-but-enormous look of the dragon of Saint George. "What kind of monster am I that I no longer have my childhood, and am still far from being, in any way, a woman?"Matute draws out the past, summoning details out of deep recesses, out of a well where a rotting carcass of a dog has been thrown. Each image gleams magical and bright green, the green that says “not yet ripe,” surrounding me with her landscape of sun scorched slopes washed up by the sea, and amidst it all, that stifling sense that something is quietly wrong. Something is lurking, is toxic within every house, broodingly polite as adults are, where nothing is talked about, yet children know even without knowing, picking it up themselves, they re-enact those same cruelties to scale, also without knowing. But who's to say adults know them better?
There, on the loggia, I clutched my small Negrito who had been mine for as long as I could remember. It was this doll I had taken with me to Our Lady of the Angels, the one the assistant headmistress tried to throw in the rubbish, so that I had kicked her and been expelled. This was the doll I sometimes called Gorogo--and it was for him that I drew miniature cities in the corners and margins of my books, invented at the point of my pen, with winding spiral staircases, sharpened cupolas, bell towers, and asymmetrical nights--and whom at other times I simply called Negrito, and who was only an unfortunate boy who cleaned chimneys in a very far-off city in a Hans Christian Andersen story.This book sits at the edge of experience, of knowing and not knowing. It makes no distinction, it is the experience of experiencing. Its language so exact yet strange, so immediately vivid, the emotions it describes were mine as I read them. There was no distinction of personhood until there was. Just as its mint-eyed protagonists discovered themselves in the moment, ever watchful, ever wary and probing with bravado, so did I. And with awareness came a new sense of sadness, almost as sudden, of something lost. Yet on the other side, there is joy in spite of knowing. Because of knowing. There is innocence hand in hand with self awareness. To have both is the ultimate promise of literature.
Turned against everyone, when I returned in the Leontina--banished for being a girl (not even a woman, not even that) from the excursion to Naranjal--against all of them, I went up to my room, and took my small Negrito out from under the handkerchiefs and socks, stared into his tiny face and asked myself why I could no longer love him.
At times, I awoke at night and sat up startled in bed. Then I felt a lost sensation from my earliest childhood, when twilight would unnerve me and I used to think: "Night and day, night and day forever. Won't there ever be anything more?" The same confused desire came back to me: the desire that I might find, upon awakening, not merely the night and the day, but rather something new, bewildering and painful.When everything's sloughed off, like the skin of that lizard with the unforgiving eyes, I remember that I want this feeling. Yes I want the knowing, the dizzying inventiveness, the corrupting perspectives, no absolutes, meta-meta-meta, an endless versioning of reality, but I want both. I want all that and I want this feeling of total connectedness too--knowing and not knowing, innocence and jadedness. Matute knows that sense of looking back after all is known and therefore lost. She has that awareness but also that immediacy and sincerity, of experience bright and human and for the first time, every time, of the world as magical ethera coaxed from some deep unknown memory, as if my own, as if I had forgotten it myself.