Well, what a journey this was. Never have I had to turn a book this way and that so much just to read its contents. It almost gives House of Leaves a run for its money in that regard. But this is no House of Leaves. It's a memoir. Art project. Book of feelings. Sketchbook. Thing.
This is probably one of the hardest books to review because of what it is. On the one hand, it is an outpouring from an individual, author and artist Kim Krans, during a very painful part of her life. She is recently divorced (or separated?), recently had her fourth miscarriage, and is in the midst of an eating disorder. On the other hand, it is an egotistical self-hug that doesn't live up to the expectations it set for itself (and the reader) in its first pages.
The mantra of this graphic novel is "write the feeling." So each day for 40 days, Krans sits down and "writes the feeling", a month's worth of which is supposed to somehow be a book. And it is a book. A sketchbook. There is no plot. Even Krans' own life is only ever hinted at in piecemeal. A vast majority of this book is the author hemming and hawing over what to write, what feelings to explore, what topics to avoid or confront. Metaphorical friends are created and introduced at random throughout the story, and all they do is argue with the author to keep moving forward, urging her incessantly to continue to "draw the feeling."
I thought I had a book in hand with a subtitle of "Drawing a life back together." I thought I had a book about eating disorders. I thought I had a book about navigating life's hard times. But what was in here? What did Krans do to alleviate herself of suffering? How did she navigate herself out of a well of self-pity and depression? How did she handle her own life's curveballs? This book. Apparently it involves dancing around thoughts and feelings. Apparently it involves secluding yourself in an ashram for a couple of months and planting flowers during sunlight hours. Apparently it involves invoking dreams and visions, finding patterns in the subconscious that reveal deeper, hidden truths. And at the same time, it's nothing. It's examining one's life and just accepting it for what it is and moving on. Anticlimactic? I thought so. Honest and truthful? I guess so.
Cause maybe that's what it's all about. Despite Krans dredging the depths of the ocean for spiritual significance, it seemed to be completely inconsequential to the outcome of this book. Her conclusion is the same conclusion people for millenia have come to about hard times: they happen, get over it, move on. Wow.
The most meaningful part of the entire book was the author writing "thank you" 3,000 times for her ex-husband. It came across as the most beautiful, honest part of the whole thing. I read it, and I believed her. So many other parts felt shallow, self-pitying, menial, avoiding--but this final section was raw. The little comments hidden among the many "thank you"s furthered that point. This was an author who had a huge breakdown, felt unsupported, and found herself with no recourse, no way to deal with her feelings. She sought google's help, she sought spirituality's help, faith healing, herbs, spices, other pseudoscientific wastes of time, and ultimately (yes, with finality) just needed to stop being so hard on herself.
And you know what? That's why I'm most disappointed in this book. Because it wasn't a journey. It wasn't a journey, I wasn't taken from point A to point B, and the author/publisher made me think that's what I'd find here. Instead it was yanking my chain until the last 20 or so pages, acting as if it was building up to something when the whole beginning is essentially meaningless in retrospect. I don't know. It's a sketchbook sold as a memoir.
2/5
Sorry you went through hard times, Kim. Hope things are going better now. I can't understand the depth of your feelings, but I'm glad you seem to have found some hope.