Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency

by Andrew Reiner

A thought-provoking and much-needed look at how modern masculinity is harming and holding back men—and all of society—and what we can do to promote a new masculinity that allows men of all ages to thrive. 

In No Man’s Land, cultural critic and New York Times contributor Andrew Reiner argues that men today are working on an outdated model of masculinity, which prevents them in moments of distress and vulnerability from marshalling the courage, strength, and resiliency—the very characteristics we regularly champion in men—they need to thrive in a world vastly different from the ones their fathers and grandfathers grew up in. According to Reiner, this outdated model of manhood can have devastating effects on the entire culture and, especially boys and men, from falling behind in the classroom and rising male unemployment rates to increased levels of depression and disturbing upticks in violence on a mass scale. 

Reiner interviews boys and men of all ages, educators, counselors, therapists, and physicians throughout the United States to better understand what factors are preventing the country’s boys and men from developing the emotional resiliency they need. He also introduces readers to the boys and men at the vanguard of a new masculinity that empowers them to find and express the full range of their humanity. 

Urgent and necessary, No Man’s Land will change the way we talk about boys and men in America today. 

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Audiobook, Psychology, Feminism, Education, Social Science

288 pages, Hardcover

Published May 19, 2020

About the author

Andrew Reiner teaches in the Honors College and English department at Towson University, where he offers the seminar Real Men Smile: The Changing Face of Masculinity. His writing about masculinity and men’s issues has appeared in the New York Times, the Washington Post Magazine and Italy’s la Repubblica. National Public Radio (NPR), the Canadian Broadcasting Company (CBC), the Guardian, Men’s Health magazine, the Washington Post and Forbes have interviewed Reiner for his expertise about masculine identity. He speaks on this topic at schools and conferences nationally.

Reviews

[Ietrio · Rating 1 out of 5]

The book is dishonest from the start, after all, even if these ideas would work flawlessly, they won't make "better" men, rather they would make men conform to the standard and role imagined by Reiner.

[Teresa Aires · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such an enlightening book. I am filled with an immense and intense amount of awareness for the things we say, model, and explain to our boys and the ways we shape them to be something so dangerously damaging. I am also suddenly acutely aware of my feminist narrative and the need to emphasize room and value to boys who we teach about gender equality but often forget to show how invaluable they are to the world we live in.

“Shutting us (boys) down isn’t righting any wrong” especially resonated with me, as it cautioned me to sayings like “the future is female” because of the way we can easily signal to boys that there is no need or space for them in a world that is now starting to pay attention to girls.

If you’re a man or have any relationship (parental, romantic, work, etc) with a man or a boy, you should really read this book.

[April · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a huge advocate for deconstructing toxic masculinity, but this book’s tone was just too pretentious for me. I also didn’t feel great about the way he talked about the #metoo movement. There are definitely some good and important parts in this book, but overall it just wasn’t for me.

[Heather Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am so grateful for this book! I read Leonard Sax's "Boys Adrift" last year and was unsettled by his proclamations on gender and masculinity. It felt yucky, and while I couldn't quite put my finger on why, I walked away from the reading of that book feeling like people were buying into excusing toxic masculinity.

Then this book came along and everything I felt in my heart about being married to a man and raising a boy was verified. My understanding of social emotional development in children and the way we constantly tell boys to "act like a man" and define masculinity as the burying of emotions never sat well with me. Andrew Reiner addresses these issues and the terrifying implications of not helping boys understand and sort through their emotions.

This book is a MUST read for teachers, social workers, school counselors, and parents of boys. We have to do a better job as a society of teaching boys how to work through their strong feelings in order to combat depression, anxiety, and the terrifying statistics of young men who commit violent acts against society as a result of feeling slighted by others.

[Hallie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I genuinely think this is one of the most important books I've ever read.

Andrew Reiner's deep dive into masculinity attempts to understand why men struggle with feelings, emotions, and asking for help. He also looks to share a new way to practice masculinity going forward. Reiner's research and insights have helped me better understand the ways that our society discourages men from feeling or expressing their emotions.

Because of the topic, there were also some sections that were extremely challenging to read. I would encourage readers to check trigger warnings and proceed with care.

[Chris English-Ramsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not something I would typically read however, it is very insightful in why men are men. I highly recommend to anyone who has a male in their life.

[Skylar Ramsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Focused on the early conditioning of young boys and men that creates harmful social behaviors.
I did not get anything out of this book that I was not already aware of.
Could be useful to bring attention to non-men of the internal feelings and conflicts of many men.
It’s alright.

[Robert Kortus · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of my favorite topics to read about is masculinity and the psychology of men. I've found that too many books on this subject fall into one of two camps: The first is the more conservative view that pines for a time when men "could act like men" and weren't forced to evolve with the changing of times (think "Mad Men"). The other type of book is written by feminists who think the solution to "toxic masculinity" is for men to simply become more like women. Both of these are ignorant and unrealistic overviews.

"Better Boys, Better Men" does the best job of correctly diagnosing the problems men face in modern society, but also coming up with practical and, most importantly, realistic solutions. Noting the difficulties that men face from the time of being an infant on through to high and college, Reiner uses data and interviews to give the readers an unflinching look at the challenges men face from not only other men, but society as a whole (including women).

This is not only a must-read for anyone interested in this topic, but also men in general. I would also recommend it to anyone who is a parent of boys or straight women who want to understand their spouse's better.

[Marta E C R · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am very torn over my rating for this book. The topic is tremendously important, and I attended an author talk about the book which I really liked. But the book itself, with the exception of the Postscript (A Letter to My Son), didn't live up to what I had hoped it would. Here are a couple very important quotes: page 226 (in the Epilogue): "We need to replace unnecessary competition in our interactions with a proprietary sense of responsibility to help boys and men feel more connected, less alone." And, in the Postscript, page 239, discussing what the author hopes for, "carving out a manhood shaped by greater emotional honesty." Those two quotes, to me, are the crux of this well-researched, but unfortunately not as compelling as I had hoped, book. I truly hope men will continue to write similar books which will be able to be read by many in this society, and which will instill in us all the need to change the picture of masculinity in this world.

[Bowman Dickson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nice little book. Could be a ted talk, linda repetitive but so on point about a really important issue

[Lisa Gray · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book, review will be up on my blog at www.therapybooknook.com/blog shortly.

[Nadia Islam · Rating 4 out of 5]

great message

[Andrea Frazee · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 audiobook

[Tiphaine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some dubious generalisations and a disturbing lack of footnote references despite the amount of studies cited but overall an interesting read.

[Carla Boniolo · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m not sure about this one. Some of the premise feels true: that boys (and men) need to be more emotionally available and acknowledge how shame underpins their aggression. However, the way Reiner explores this premise is through some sketchy use of data. Sources are only loosely cited and much evidence is merely conversations with individual men. It’s hard to induce conclusions when the data is insubstantial. I read this book with the voice of Michael Hobbes from the ‘You’re Wrong About’ podcast in my head. There was a lot of critique of individuals and no real critique of institutions and societal structures (apart from sport, which he absolutely ripped apart as a concept - a chapter I found very unbalanced). The last part, ‘Letter to my Son’, was the best part - here, the author was actually showing some self awareness and insight. Am I glad I read this? Kind of ish. Did I learn anything new? No.

[Jacob Hudgins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent, eye-opening analysis of pressures and struggles of male development and relational connection. Advances the conversation beyond “gender role” talk to the actual issues young men face, especially the conflict between emotional honesty and social acceptance (in hypermasculine climates). This is a helpful, informative work for people who are working with boys and men to deepen self-awareness, quell excessive reactions and anger, and build better relationships. However, it does not offer ANY practical advice or help to actually make these things happen. Less shame, more honesty, more vulnerability. But how? Other than therapy and support groups, the author gives you nothing.

[Peggy Jupe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nuanced and complex, Reiner manages to discuss some of the deepest underlying issues of the way men are socialized, addressing these issues with great empathy and compassion without ever excusing the heinous acts they result in. One of my favourite reads of the year

[Un Lector Nocturno · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mi calificación real es de 4.5

Estw libro, término siendo una agradable y satisfactoria sorpresa, que en muchos aspectos, me deja reflexionando, con la boca abierta y con ganas de seguir buscando libros con este enfoque.

Se que aún no he leído una gran cantidad de libro que hablen sobre masculinidad, pero de los que llevo, este es el primero en el que no se vincula la identidad masculina y su reafirmacion con la mujeres y la aparente "necesidad" de conseguir una pareja.

Comence leyendo esto con le idea de que sería un libro más de autoayuda, pero la verdad es que este libro no te da pautas sobre cómo actuar o una lista de consejos para ser mejor. Eso sí, está lleno de testimonios de una gran variedad de hombres, desde los 13 hasta sesenta años que comparten sus experiencias e ideologías. Hay también un sinfín de mención a artículos y libros que se utilizan para fundamentar todos los momentos teóricos de libro, que van desde el análisis de la testosterona y su relación con la agresividad, hasta estadísticas sobre depresión y suicidio. Es atra vez de todo eso que el autor presenta su investigación para sostener la idea principal del libro: El problema de los hombres es que nos enseñan, desde el día 1 de nacidos, a que tenemos que reprimir nuestras emociones.

Existe una perspectiva social latente a lo largo de esta obra y eso se agradece. Es consciente de que por más que uno pueda cambiar por dentro, será dicifil poder externar los aprendizajes en un mundo en el que todavía se actúa deacuerdo a reglas de hace 100 años. Pero no desmotiva, al contrario, anima a formar parte de ese grupo de hombres que a pesar de todo, decide hacer cambios.

Hay algunos aspectos que no me agradaron del todo; es primero es cierto tono de superioridad que llega a a tener el autor, del tipo "somos mejores porque nosotros sí nos atrevemos, los que no conectan con sus emociones son los débiles", y auque si creo que es importante reconocer el esfuerzo y la intención de cambiar, tampoco se trata de ponerte en un pedestal.

Y el segundo; hay un momento en donde llega a hablar de película y videojuegos dejando la sensación de que estos son motivos indiscutibles de porque los jóvenes son violentos, lo cual, bueno, podría debatirse.

Hay alguna otras cosas que más que desagrado, me hicieron cuestionar posiciones ideológicas sobre el movimiento feminista que yo creía bien establecidas en mi mismo, pero que desde la perspectiva de los entrevistados, me di cuenta que sus opiniones, también resonaban conmigo.

Algo de lo que puede beneficiarse sería de incluir entrevistas, igual de extensas como las que presenta aquí, sobre hombres queer. Creo que ayudaría a visibilizar también las masculinidad no heterosexual y heteronormada.

Fuera de eso, el libro me parece increíble. Espero que se traduzca al español para que esté al alcance de un público mayor.

[Liang Gang Yu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do we know infant boys and girls have the same capacity for empathy?
Do we agree it is the culture, not nature, that incapacitates boys’ social and emotional skills?
Do we see the common mental and emotional issues of those men committing horrible crimes, like mass shooting, and the working solutions?
Why does white male count 70% of all suicides in US?

The book talked about those, and more. It demands us - the society - to see boys and men as complete human, not as the stereotypes they must be. The author points out a way that boys and men to grow up and live being authentic, brave, and connected - socially and emotionally.

Throughout the book, the author criticizes hypermasculinity as a key culprit leading to the wrong-doing. The diagnosis, being logical, is deeper than my own experience, as I fought few bullies in middle school days then had never experienced, maybe just luckily, other hypermasculinity behaviors in adult life.

The author also examines the behaviors of fathers, mothers, teachers, coaches, men and women enforcing the culture norms that hamper and stop the development of many boys and men to feel loved, accepted fully, and be authentic. Social norms like telling "boys don't cry (no matter what)", men don't show emotion in public except in extreme cases, men don't hug other men unless they are homosexual, can change, and many are changing.

Being an immigrant to the U.S, the challenges of masculinity seem familiar, but not personal. As an Asian American and a Christian, I am accepted through my faith and loved by my family, parents, and sisters/in-laws. I know I am connected and feel supported through my church(es), and my friend network. Looking back, decades ago when I just landed in Canada/US, I was alone and socially isolated. I had my struggle back then. I was younger, in my 20s and lucky to overcome the challenges, as I found my faith, formed my own family, joined Christ's large families, and built my network of friends.

Nonetheless, the book is informative. It is the most comprehensive and up-to-date discussion on the topic of men's role/challenges in today's US. It is helpful to me, who like everyone else wants to be better, to think - enforcing good habits and questioning the social norms as I am raising my son, having discussions with my daughters, and giving advice to younger men.

Fathers and mothers, read the book and see how your sons need your love and care to be strong and healthy. Men, read the book to think what we can do about the challenges and do the right things.

[Athena · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent. Nothing groundbreaking for me personally, as I'm always seeking information and data paired with thoughtful nuance when defining strategies to help raise my son. Some quotes that resonated:

"The problem is that the old model of masculinity, which champions a do-it-yourself, grin-and-bear-it ethos of emotional stoicism, endless self-sacrifice, and unwavering certitude, no longer serves men—or anyone else, for that matter. The old model no longer works [...] we continue to expect men to simply be these things, at every moment of their lives, without any real guidance or support [...]. What’s more, the old model prevents them from developing the tool kit they need to thrive and literally survive today—one that requires, among other things, self-awareness, communication skills, empathy, and a willingness to seek help."

"We don’t change, we don’t grow, and we don’t move forward without the work [of being vulnerable]"

"You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So, when we numb [perceived negative feelings], we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.”

[Jacktober · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you’re looking for an informational book for advocacy, and enjoy applying what you learn yourself, 4/5

If you want to be told what to do, 3/5.


As with most books, a review for this is hard.
This book really excels at demonstrating how the patriarchy is harmful to men, and why we should fight for change, and advocate for men harmed by its ideals. However, you’d be forgiven for not noticing that theme, as the patriarchy is hardly called out directly. But if this helps convince the reader that toxic masculinity does indeed exist, then that’s a win.

Unfortunately, and perhaps more due to the fault of the situation than the author, there are few solutions presented. The title would had me assume there would be more of a framework provided to approach the issue of toxic masculinity, but that never fully materializes. There are fantastic examples of what can be done, but for those looking for replicable solutions, this book is lacking.

Ultimately, this book is about advocacy and raising awareness, rather than solving problems. Yes, you can apply what is discussed to your own work and your own approach towards interactions with men, but it isn’t spelled out.

[Josh · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really important summation of the cultural conditions that trap so many men in loneliness and shame cycles that often lead to despair and violence, this book offers few solutions but certainly raises awareness. Some notes:
Hazing - What this euphemistic word masks is the brutal depravity of sexual assaults taking place in locker rooms at the collegiate and high school level. Sodomizing 14-year-olds with broom handles, etc. Often condoned or ignored by horrifically abusive coaches.
Loneliness- the epidemic that is only growing worse and is not limited to older men.
Narcissism - the growing problem fed by generational trauma that has led to the toxic incel movement and acts of terroristic violence. Much violence is a combination of misdirected shame and narcissistic victim mentality.
Support structures- even for men who want to be vulnerable, the social support groups just don’t exist.

The silver lining? We are actually talking about it, I guess.

[Krysten Taprell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here in Australia we are seeing the deviating effects of “toxic masculinity”.  The idea that to be a man, boys need to “toughen up” and ignore any form of emotion, has led to an epidemic of mental health concerns for men. Andrew Reiner skilfully explains the research and his findings from interviewing men of all ages, that our socially constructed views of boys and men are not based in science. Boys and men are social beings that experience a full range of emotions and vulnerabilities. This book makes us aware of our bias in the way we treat children based on their gender and challenges us to recognise that the person, no matter their gender, needs to learn to recognise and work through emotions as a way to prevent depression and anxiety. This book would be helpful for parents, teachers and therapists alike."

[Nicole · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was useless. It was a rambling collection of anecdotes and digressions with no discernible structure. I did not understand the scope or intended audience. It was thin on the “how” and also the “why.” And I don’t understand what the takeaways were supposed to be — for the individual, the parent, the education system, or the government. Which is really too bad, because this is a critically important subject. It’s too harsh to say I got nothing out of it, but that is probably close to true.

[Dad · Rating 1 out of 5]

I bought this book with optimism. Unfortunately, it failed to meet those expectations. The author trash talks many traditional ideas of men without praising any good about them. The book does shed light on the toxic culture of sports in high school and college. However, it fails to mention the positive impact that playing sports can have on young men. The author seems to cherry pick his arguments. There are countless references and stories about "toxic masculinity" but very few original thoughts from the author. In short, I would not recommend this book.

[Kendall Pielin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book questioned my position as a feminist and allowed me a unique insight to the societal and social pressures of masculinity. It helped me better understand my relationships with men and the role I play in them. Overall, I feel better equipped to facilitate emotional conversations and offer support in necessary domains.

It’s a good, quick read and supported sufficiently : fluctuation between anecdotes and the deconstruction of experiments and other texts worked well with the authors style and kept the scientific aspects engaging.

[Jenn · Rating 5 out of 5]

(gifted book from the publisher)
I was a little skeptical about this book in the first chapter or two. It was difficult for me to feel sorry for men when the author suggested that the worst insult for them is to be called any of the derogatory words used to refer to a woman. After that, the book improves a lot. I really liked the narratives from the men he interviewed. I liked learning about the prison programs helping to foster emotional intelligence in men.

[Nik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like many books around male liberation and how to be a better man, the book offers a lot of "Here are the problems" and sometimes it's a little lax on the solutions. This turns out not to be the case with this particular book and it's actually quite liberating to see a guy coming into this after he recognised his own issues.

There's some great points on the loneliness epidemic that we've currently got going on and how men are affected by this.

[Taylor Acker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Current mother to be of a boy I choose to read this book. Its easy as a woman to understand how dramatic the gender disparities are, but from this book you learn that boys/men do not automatically have it easier. This book has given me lessons that I will carry with me the rest of my life as I attempt to raise an emotionally resilient man.

[JL Salty · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rating: pg-13+ profanity, violent bullying & hazing, no romance.
Recommend: adults, self-help, boy moms, counselors.

A thought provoking, inspiring book: makes me want to dig deeper into the questions asked and the beginnings of answers given. I’ve been thinking about the place my boys will take in this world for a long time: this might help them find their way a little.