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Summary of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman - Book Summary - Readtrepreneur
(Disclaimer: This is NOT the original book, but an unofficial summary.)
The man who revolutionized the study of marriage is here to help you make your relationship work.
Seven principles are all you need to keep your marriage running smoothly. It's not easy being married, there are a lot of struggles that weaken the relationship so it's wise to listen to advices from people with a large experience on the field, so you can live a nice and happy marriage. That's what this book is all about, just 7 principles that contain a ton of advices to make your marriage work.
(Note: This summary is wholly written and published by Readtrepreneur It is not affiliated with the original author in any way)
"Some people leave a marriage literally, by divorcing. Others do so by leading parallel lives together." - John M. Gottman
With a straightforward approach that will leave no doubts in the process, John Gottman writes a book which is the culmination of his work that will teach you his strategies to make your marriage work. Sadly, in this life, we don't know it all, so it behooves you to learn from the best to obtain the greatest results and Dr. John Gottman is an individual that excels in the study of marriage.
Dr. Gottman also included questionnaires and exercises so you could put into practice all you have learned. If you just read his book but don't commit to it, you won't get what you want!
P.S. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is an extremely helpful book that will put your marriage in a path of true happiness.
The Time for Thinking is Over! Time for Action! Scroll Up Now and Click on the "Buy now with 1-Click" Button to Download your Copy Right Away!
Why Choose Us, Readtrepreneur?
● Highest Quality Summaries
● Delivers Amazing Knowledge
● Awesome Refresher
● Clear And Concise
Disclaimer Once Again: This book is meant for a great companionship of the original book or to
simply get the gist of the original book.
(Disclaimer: This is NOT the original book, but an unofficial summary.)
The man who revolutionized the study of marriage is here to help you make your relationship work.
Seven principles are all you need to keep your marriage running smoothly. It's not easy being married, there are a lot of struggles that weaken the relationship so it's wise to listen to advices from people with a large experience on the field, so you can live a nice and happy marriage. That's what this book is all about, just 7 principles that contain a ton of advices to make your marriage work.
(Note: This summary is wholly written and published by Readtrepreneur It is not affiliated with the original author in any way)
"Some people leave a marriage literally, by divorcing. Others do so by leading parallel lives together." - John M. Gottman
With a straightforward approach that will leave no doubts in the process, John Gottman writes a book which is the culmination of his work that will teach you his strategies to make your marriage work. Sadly, in this life, we don't know it all, so it behooves you to learn from the best to obtain the greatest results and Dr. John Gottman is an individual that excels in the study of marriage.
Dr. Gottman also included questionnaires and exercises so you could put into practice all you have learned. If you just read his book but don't commit to it, you won't get what you want!
P.S. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is an extremely helpful book that will put your marriage in a path of true happiness.
The Time for Thinking is Over! Time for Action! Scroll Up Now and Click on the "Buy now with 1-Click" Button to Download your Copy Right Away!
Why Choose Us, Readtrepreneur?
● Highest Quality Summaries
● Delivers Amazing Knowledge
● Awesome Refresher
● Clear And Concise
Disclaimer Once Again: This book is meant for a great companionship of the original book or to
simply get the gist of the original book.
88 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 24, 2019
18 people are currently reading
250 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
August 23, 2021
Good advice but pretty simple, would have been nice to have some research or something. Not sure if the audiobook was messed up but I swear things were repeated 2-3 times.
April 7, 2022
Continuation of Gottman 7 Principles book notes
The exercises show how to learn to share power.
If your wife claims your inconsiderate sho about something try to find the reasonable part of the position and find a compromise. Do not become angry.
Principle 4: Apologies for anything you did wrong and find a solution that makes her happy
Dont sulk or withdraw when continuing with your partner. Pay attention if your partner is. Try to have fun and make it fun for your partner. In trying to share power make your partner your ally in helping accept influence. Ask your partner to point out when you are being domineering, defensive, or disrespectful.
❤️The two kinds of marital conflict: even happy couples have conflict. All conflicts fall into 1 of 2 categories. They can either be resolved or are perpetual (will be a part of your life forever). 69% of marital problems are perpetual.
Examples of perpetual problems in happy relationships are wanting children, frequency of sex, helping with chores, wanting children to follow a certain religion, how strict to be with the children. The key to sustaining a healthy relationship despite these problems is finding a way to fresh with the problem that doesn’t overwhelm them. They know how to keep it in its place and can joke about it.
You dont have to solve the problem for your relationship to thrive.
❤️Being able to work it out good naturedly by acknowledging the problem and talking about it they love for each other isn’t overwhelmed by the differences. Problems are part of a relationship. You find ways to avoid them. When you choose a partner it are choosing a set of unsolvable problems that you will live with. It is important to choose a partner with a set of problems you can live with. In unstable marriages these perpetual problems eventually kill the relationship. The couple has the same conversions about it over and over again. They spin their wheels and get nowhere. Because they make no headway they feel increasingly hurt, frustrated and rejected by each other. The 4 horsemen are more frequent. Gradually they feel overwhelmed and start emotionally disconnecting.
Signs of gridlock: Vinci need you feel rejected by your partner, make no headway talking about it, you feel more frustrated and hurt talking about it, contains about it are devoid of humor amusement or attraction, you vilify your partner.
You can get out of gridlock with motivation. The endures argument symbolizes a profound difference between you that needs to be addressed before the prune can be put in its place.
Solvable problems: just because it can be solved doesn’t mean it has been. Not knowing effective techniques for conflict resolution allows solvable problems to continue and can cause much unnecessary pain.
How to know if you’re in a perpetual or solvable problem: solvable problems are less painful because your focus is on a particular dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict fueling your dispute.
❤️ the basis for coping with either type of problem is communicating basic science of your perverts personality. Human nature dictated that it is virtually impossible to take advice from sunburst unless they understand you. Before you ask your partner to change anything you must first make your partner feel as though you understand them. If either of you feel judged, misunderstood or rejected by the other you will not be able to manage the problems in your trending big or small. If you make your partner feel understood you might find they are more conciliatory during arguments than you realized. How you say something is important. Saying something nicely is more likely to get the response you want.
❤️People only change when they feel they are liked and accepted s as they are. If they feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated they are unable to change. They feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.
Nobody is entirely right. In reality there are two people with their own subjective realities.
❤️To break the pattern you both need to admit your part in creating the problem. Are you stressed in general, not showing appreciation, overly critical, depressed, been affectionate, a good listener.
If you can’t find your contribution to the problems with in your fondness and admiration of each other.
For whatever issue you’re discussing give each other the message you love and accept each other. When you can’t the problem is sometimes they can’t forgive each other for past differences and resentment (dont hold a grudge).
❤️ solve your solvable problems. When partners respect each other and are open to each other’s points of view they have a good basis for solving differences that arise. A potentially productive conversation can end up in a screening match.
The common method of trying to resolve differences between partners is to put yourself in the others shoes and be empathetic about seeing it from their perspective. This is very difficult for partners to truly do so a better approach entails the following:
1) Soften your startup
2) Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3) Sooth yourself and each other
4) Compromise
5) Be tolerant of each others faults (use good manners…like treating a guest)
It takes very little training but we get it off the habit of using them with close partners.
Soften startup: the wife is likely to bring up a touchy issue in a subject. Soft startups lessen the likelihood of the 4 horsemen. Only 40% of the time do couples divorce due to frequent devastating fights. More often it is to avoid constant skirmishes they distance so much their friendship and sense of connection are lost. Resolving conflict leaves partners feeling positive about themselves and their relationship and is helpful for producing good results in the future. Soft startups just need to be devoid of criticism and content. Conversations end that way they begin so it is important to start softly. Soft startups keep relationships stable and happy. Men are more prone to flooding so men distance more often. If a partner often is using a harsh startup try to improve the guest 4 principles as then the partner’s startup will soften as a matter of course. By making them feel known, respected, and loved by you. Also accept her influence. If you are the one using a harsh startup remind yourself that by being gentle you’re more likely to resolve the conflict. If you’re too angry to discuss dont talk about it at all. Tips:
Dont place blame (this is your fault and attacking character),
❤️Make statements that start with I and not you. I statements are less likely to be critical (focus on your own feelings instead of blaming),
be polite and use phrases like “please” and “I would appreciate it if”, be appreciative (remember how we used to…I miss x),
dont store things up as it leads you to explode.
Switching to soft startups might not yield immediate results as your spouse might remain defensive expecting criticism. Stick with it and your spouse will eventually soften as well.
Instead of you never do x say I loved it when you did x
I’m worried that…
I’m tired of x…it would be nice if…
I’m really missing you lately…
It’d be really great
I would love to spend time with you this weekend…
❤️Receive and give repair attempts: when your conversation starts off on the wrong fit it is becoming bad repair attempts prevent disaster. The goal is to de escalate tension so the partners are more receptive to compromise. In healthy stable relationships it is not the repair attempts are better but that the air around them hasn’t been clouded by negativity so they are more likely to be received. Be able to start over again and improve the discussion when needed. The state of the relationship I’d what dictates if the repair attempt is successful. In happy relationships they are sent and received with ease; in unhealthy ones they fall in deaf ears. Repair attempts are damage control and it can come across a as grumble about taking a break. ❤️Ideas:
I can see my part in all this
How can I make things better
I love you
❤️ dont make it their problem…it is our problem.
❤️3) sooth yourself and each other: it is harder for a man’s body to calm down after a fight than a woman’s body. In many cases a repair attempt fails nectar the partner is flooded. When a partner is flooded the chances the problem gets resolved ceases
❤️Self soothing: first step is to stop the discussion; if you continue you will explode, implode, or stonewall. None of which will help get you anywhere other than close to divorce. Take a 20 minute break and dont think about it. Do something distracting like listen to music or exercise. Close your eyes and take deep breaths to help sooth the body. Envisioning a lake or somewhere calming can also help.
Sooth each other: after you calm down you can help sooth your partner. If you are able to calm your partner they can start to associate you with feelings of calmness. Ask your partner how they would like to be soothed. A message or script can be used
4) compromise: in an intimate loving relationship this is the only way to have a heathy relationship.the cornerstone of compromise is accepting influence. Dont think no when someone is talking to you.talk out differences and preferences in a systematic way and do not let the discussion being overwhelming negative. Remember yielding to win as a strategy.
Conflict resolution isn’t about one person changing; it’s about negotiating, finding common ground in ways you can accommodate each other. Communication is must often the barrier to finding solutions and once that is improved you can often find this issues find solutions relatively easily.
❤️ Chapter 9 coping with touch solvable problems. Your relationship needs to a port in the storm of life and not just another storm. You need to have a deep understanding of each other to feel safe and secure
Try to let things go if something mean is said. With trouble with in laws. Always choose your wife and support her over everyone else. Do not tolerate contempt for your spouse from anyone. Build a sense of we-ness.
Sex is difficult to talk about. One partner wants it more often than the other. One person is often indirect. Being less clear means you are less likely to get it. Learn the right way to ask for what you want and how you react. Never be negative towards your partner as it is important to everyone to be attractive and desired. You should always make it sound like it’s great and your trying to make it even better. Couples with a happy sex life see sex as an expression of intimacy but dint the differences in wants as an attack. Sharing fantasies brings partners together. Read the Joy of sex, and for each other byLonnie barback. ❤️Chores are another problem area. Men often underestimate how much women value a clean home. Women find men doing housework erotic. When the man does his share both partners report a better sex life as well as the wife has a lower heart rate which leads to less fighting. ❤️Not having you be nagged gets huge bonus points and being flexible on terms of wants and needs (I.e. if you’re over I’d tired do you volunteer to help with something that I’d typically their responsibility). This turns a woman on more than anything else.
❤️ Babies typically strain a marriage. 70% of wives experience a decrease in marital satisfaction. Mens wanes after in response to the wives dissatisfaction. The 30% they stay happy have a husband that experiences the transformation into parenthood with the mother. If the husband doesn’t embrace the sense of weness with the baby included that mothers often experience than it creates distance between the husband and mother. If the husband wants things to be like they were before he needs to Scott accept that it can’t ever go back to that and has to follow her to ensure the bridge keeps growing. Marriages are not a balancing act. Marriage and family is of one cloth. The husband and wife need to be in it together. Before the baby comes make sure you know each other’s worlds intimately. Husbands should not withdraw if the mom acts like a know-it-all. Men can’t wait until kids are old enough to walk, talk and play to form a bond with their children better by then fissures we’ll have already formed in the marriage.
❤️ principle 6: overcome gridlock: if you feel hopelessly gridlocked it I’d important to find a way to move from gridlock to dialogue. It I’d important to talk about without hurting each other. Gridlock are a sign you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other. Dreams are often rooted in childhood by recreating happy memories or distancing from bad ones. Dreams are often hidden beyond the obvious (symbolic of love). Helping your partner realize their dreams is one if the goals of marriage and DIY mergers have partners who realize this. When one spouse doesn’t realize the importance of supporting each other’s dreams it leads gridlock is almost inevitable. Only when dreams are uncovered can couples escape gridlock. If you think your partner is the entire problem it I’d a sign off a hidden dream you aren’t recognizing. The green isn’t likely to emerge until you feel your nudge is a safe place to talk about it. Work in the first 3 principles. Do not lower expectations, keep trying to fix the problem. When a partner mentions a dream ask partner “can you please tell me more about that?” Support your partner, offer financial support, try to be a part of it. This will enrich your relationship. Sooth each other.
End the gridlock: discuss the conflict amicably. Find common ground by looking at the issue. Identify where you can be flexible and can’t budge at all. Share with your partner. Recognize your perverts trend as deep desires held by someone you love. Try to find ways to support your partner. Be patient with your partner, say thank you for trying, show appreciation and compliment your partner
❤️ Principle 7: create shared meaning. If it do the guest 6 provokes your marriage will be stable and happy but a deeper sense of shared meaning could be missing. Goals that link you and symbolize the family you have become. What is the story you tell yourself about the relationship. When you have a shared sense of meaning problems are less difficult and common. The meaning of your relationship is more important than the problems you face. You are more likely to cone together over tough issues naturally. You need to be candid and respectfully to have a blended sense of meaning. The more shared meaning (adopting of values and stories your partner has) the deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will be. Your friendship will be strengthened as well which helps with the other principles. ❤️As you improve one principle it improves the other
Your roles in life: they CDC create farming or tension. Your marriage will feel deeper if your expectations of each other and feel your partners place in the family aught to be. Do both feel the man I’d the provider and woman the nurturer or both view egalitarian. Do you both view what your siblings and patents role in your family should play? Do you both feel the same way about work? Seeing these things similarly will create a deeper relationship. The more you can talk freely about your view of roles in life the more likely you are to reach a consensus that makes sense.
Personal goals: most often people dont talk about their deepest goals. If you can work together on them it will bring you closer together in your relationship.
❤️By incorporating these 7 principles will change the trajectory of your relationship. It will take constant work.
Magic 5 hours: the successful couples devote 5 hours to working on their relationship.
Partings: before saying goodbye in the morning learn 1 thing going on with your partner.
Reunions: engage in a stress reducing conversation at the end of each workday for 20 minutes
Admiration and appreciation: do one thing a day to show this
Affection: Kiss, hold, grab, touch each other when you’re together. Kiss before going to bed and use that as a symbol of letting go of grudges.
Weekly date: low pressure way of studying connected. Ask questions to update your love map and turn towards each other.
❤️Marital poop detector: people with the highest expectations tend to have the highest satisfaction with their marriage. Those who learn to accept high levels of negativity tend to be unhappier with their relationship. It is important to talk about issues when they are small before they get to be large issues.
❤️forgive yourself: Relationships are difficult. Criticism doesn’t make a relationship better; it only makes it worse. Partners who criticize frequently tend to do so because 1) the order never addressed what was wrong so they adopt a new technique or 2) the partner often criticizes themselves and focuses on the negatives of their partner instead of the positive. 85% of the time relationships have the second problem. Forgive yourself for your imperfections so you dont hold things against your over. Show thanks to your partner as it is the antidote to criticism. ❤️Try not criticizing for 1 week and offer praise for your partner. It has to be genuine. Keep stretching this period s as you repeat the exercises and in time you will learn to forgive yourself.
The more you’re able to praise and be thankful of your partner the more meaningful and fulfilling your lives together will be.
The exercises show how to learn to share power.
If your wife claims your inconsiderate sho about something try to find the reasonable part of the position and find a compromise. Do not become angry.
Principle 4: Apologies for anything you did wrong and find a solution that makes her happy
Dont sulk or withdraw when continuing with your partner. Pay attention if your partner is. Try to have fun and make it fun for your partner. In trying to share power make your partner your ally in helping accept influence. Ask your partner to point out when you are being domineering, defensive, or disrespectful.
❤️The two kinds of marital conflict: even happy couples have conflict. All conflicts fall into 1 of 2 categories. They can either be resolved or are perpetual (will be a part of your life forever). 69% of marital problems are perpetual.
Examples of perpetual problems in happy relationships are wanting children, frequency of sex, helping with chores, wanting children to follow a certain religion, how strict to be with the children. The key to sustaining a healthy relationship despite these problems is finding a way to fresh with the problem that doesn’t overwhelm them. They know how to keep it in its place and can joke about it.
You dont have to solve the problem for your relationship to thrive.
❤️Being able to work it out good naturedly by acknowledging the problem and talking about it they love for each other isn’t overwhelmed by the differences. Problems are part of a relationship. You find ways to avoid them. When you choose a partner it are choosing a set of unsolvable problems that you will live with. It is important to choose a partner with a set of problems you can live with. In unstable marriages these perpetual problems eventually kill the relationship. The couple has the same conversions about it over and over again. They spin their wheels and get nowhere. Because they make no headway they feel increasingly hurt, frustrated and rejected by each other. The 4 horsemen are more frequent. Gradually they feel overwhelmed and start emotionally disconnecting.
Signs of gridlock: Vinci need you feel rejected by your partner, make no headway talking about it, you feel more frustrated and hurt talking about it, contains about it are devoid of humor amusement or attraction, you vilify your partner.
You can get out of gridlock with motivation. The endures argument symbolizes a profound difference between you that needs to be addressed before the prune can be put in its place.
Solvable problems: just because it can be solved doesn’t mean it has been. Not knowing effective techniques for conflict resolution allows solvable problems to continue and can cause much unnecessary pain.
How to know if you’re in a perpetual or solvable problem: solvable problems are less painful because your focus is on a particular dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict fueling your dispute.
❤️ the basis for coping with either type of problem is communicating basic science of your perverts personality. Human nature dictated that it is virtually impossible to take advice from sunburst unless they understand you. Before you ask your partner to change anything you must first make your partner feel as though you understand them. If either of you feel judged, misunderstood or rejected by the other you will not be able to manage the problems in your trending big or small. If you make your partner feel understood you might find they are more conciliatory during arguments than you realized. How you say something is important. Saying something nicely is more likely to get the response you want.
❤️People only change when they feel they are liked and accepted s as they are. If they feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated they are unable to change. They feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.
Nobody is entirely right. In reality there are two people with their own subjective realities.
❤️To break the pattern you both need to admit your part in creating the problem. Are you stressed in general, not showing appreciation, overly critical, depressed, been affectionate, a good listener.
If you can’t find your contribution to the problems with in your fondness and admiration of each other.
For whatever issue you’re discussing give each other the message you love and accept each other. When you can’t the problem is sometimes they can’t forgive each other for past differences and resentment (dont hold a grudge).
❤️ solve your solvable problems. When partners respect each other and are open to each other’s points of view they have a good basis for solving differences that arise. A potentially productive conversation can end up in a screening match.
The common method of trying to resolve differences between partners is to put yourself in the others shoes and be empathetic about seeing it from their perspective. This is very difficult for partners to truly do so a better approach entails the following:
1) Soften your startup
2) Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3) Sooth yourself and each other
4) Compromise
5) Be tolerant of each others faults (use good manners…like treating a guest)
It takes very little training but we get it off the habit of using them with close partners.
Soften startup: the wife is likely to bring up a touchy issue in a subject. Soft startups lessen the likelihood of the 4 horsemen. Only 40% of the time do couples divorce due to frequent devastating fights. More often it is to avoid constant skirmishes they distance so much their friendship and sense of connection are lost. Resolving conflict leaves partners feeling positive about themselves and their relationship and is helpful for producing good results in the future. Soft startups just need to be devoid of criticism and content. Conversations end that way they begin so it is important to start softly. Soft startups keep relationships stable and happy. Men are more prone to flooding so men distance more often. If a partner often is using a harsh startup try to improve the guest 4 principles as then the partner’s startup will soften as a matter of course. By making them feel known, respected, and loved by you. Also accept her influence. If you are the one using a harsh startup remind yourself that by being gentle you’re more likely to resolve the conflict. If you’re too angry to discuss dont talk about it at all. Tips:
Dont place blame (this is your fault and attacking character),
❤️Make statements that start with I and not you. I statements are less likely to be critical (focus on your own feelings instead of blaming),
be polite and use phrases like “please” and “I would appreciate it if”, be appreciative (remember how we used to…I miss x),
dont store things up as it leads you to explode.
Switching to soft startups might not yield immediate results as your spouse might remain defensive expecting criticism. Stick with it and your spouse will eventually soften as well.
Instead of you never do x say I loved it when you did x
I’m worried that…
I’m tired of x…it would be nice if…
I’m really missing you lately…
It’d be really great
I would love to spend time with you this weekend…
❤️Receive and give repair attempts: when your conversation starts off on the wrong fit it is becoming bad repair attempts prevent disaster. The goal is to de escalate tension so the partners are more receptive to compromise. In healthy stable relationships it is not the repair attempts are better but that the air around them hasn’t been clouded by negativity so they are more likely to be received. Be able to start over again and improve the discussion when needed. The state of the relationship I’d what dictates if the repair attempt is successful. In happy relationships they are sent and received with ease; in unhealthy ones they fall in deaf ears. Repair attempts are damage control and it can come across a as grumble about taking a break. ❤️Ideas:
I can see my part in all this
How can I make things better
I love you
❤️ dont make it their problem…it is our problem.
❤️3) sooth yourself and each other: it is harder for a man’s body to calm down after a fight than a woman’s body. In many cases a repair attempt fails nectar the partner is flooded. When a partner is flooded the chances the problem gets resolved ceases
❤️Self soothing: first step is to stop the discussion; if you continue you will explode, implode, or stonewall. None of which will help get you anywhere other than close to divorce. Take a 20 minute break and dont think about it. Do something distracting like listen to music or exercise. Close your eyes and take deep breaths to help sooth the body. Envisioning a lake or somewhere calming can also help.
Sooth each other: after you calm down you can help sooth your partner. If you are able to calm your partner they can start to associate you with feelings of calmness. Ask your partner how they would like to be soothed. A message or script can be used
4) compromise: in an intimate loving relationship this is the only way to have a heathy relationship.the cornerstone of compromise is accepting influence. Dont think no when someone is talking to you.talk out differences and preferences in a systematic way and do not let the discussion being overwhelming negative. Remember yielding to win as a strategy.
Conflict resolution isn’t about one person changing; it’s about negotiating, finding common ground in ways you can accommodate each other. Communication is must often the barrier to finding solutions and once that is improved you can often find this issues find solutions relatively easily.
❤️ Chapter 9 coping with touch solvable problems. Your relationship needs to a port in the storm of life and not just another storm. You need to have a deep understanding of each other to feel safe and secure
Try to let things go if something mean is said. With trouble with in laws. Always choose your wife and support her over everyone else. Do not tolerate contempt for your spouse from anyone. Build a sense of we-ness.
Sex is difficult to talk about. One partner wants it more often than the other. One person is often indirect. Being less clear means you are less likely to get it. Learn the right way to ask for what you want and how you react. Never be negative towards your partner as it is important to everyone to be attractive and desired. You should always make it sound like it’s great and your trying to make it even better. Couples with a happy sex life see sex as an expression of intimacy but dint the differences in wants as an attack. Sharing fantasies brings partners together. Read the Joy of sex, and for each other byLonnie barback. ❤️Chores are another problem area. Men often underestimate how much women value a clean home. Women find men doing housework erotic. When the man does his share both partners report a better sex life as well as the wife has a lower heart rate which leads to less fighting. ❤️Not having you be nagged gets huge bonus points and being flexible on terms of wants and needs (I.e. if you’re over I’d tired do you volunteer to help with something that I’d typically their responsibility). This turns a woman on more than anything else.
❤️ Babies typically strain a marriage. 70% of wives experience a decrease in marital satisfaction. Mens wanes after in response to the wives dissatisfaction. The 30% they stay happy have a husband that experiences the transformation into parenthood with the mother. If the husband doesn’t embrace the sense of weness with the baby included that mothers often experience than it creates distance between the husband and mother. If the husband wants things to be like they were before he needs to Scott accept that it can’t ever go back to that and has to follow her to ensure the bridge keeps growing. Marriages are not a balancing act. Marriage and family is of one cloth. The husband and wife need to be in it together. Before the baby comes make sure you know each other’s worlds intimately. Husbands should not withdraw if the mom acts like a know-it-all. Men can’t wait until kids are old enough to walk, talk and play to form a bond with their children better by then fissures we’ll have already formed in the marriage.
❤️ principle 6: overcome gridlock: if you feel hopelessly gridlocked it I’d important to find a way to move from gridlock to dialogue. It I’d important to talk about without hurting each other. Gridlock are a sign you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other. Dreams are often rooted in childhood by recreating happy memories or distancing from bad ones. Dreams are often hidden beyond the obvious (symbolic of love). Helping your partner realize their dreams is one if the goals of marriage and DIY mergers have partners who realize this. When one spouse doesn’t realize the importance of supporting each other’s dreams it leads gridlock is almost inevitable. Only when dreams are uncovered can couples escape gridlock. If you think your partner is the entire problem it I’d a sign off a hidden dream you aren’t recognizing. The green isn’t likely to emerge until you feel your nudge is a safe place to talk about it. Work in the first 3 principles. Do not lower expectations, keep trying to fix the problem. When a partner mentions a dream ask partner “can you please tell me more about that?” Support your partner, offer financial support, try to be a part of it. This will enrich your relationship. Sooth each other.
End the gridlock: discuss the conflict amicably. Find common ground by looking at the issue. Identify where you can be flexible and can’t budge at all. Share with your partner. Recognize your perverts trend as deep desires held by someone you love. Try to find ways to support your partner. Be patient with your partner, say thank you for trying, show appreciation and compliment your partner
❤️ Principle 7: create shared meaning. If it do the guest 6 provokes your marriage will be stable and happy but a deeper sense of shared meaning could be missing. Goals that link you and symbolize the family you have become. What is the story you tell yourself about the relationship. When you have a shared sense of meaning problems are less difficult and common. The meaning of your relationship is more important than the problems you face. You are more likely to cone together over tough issues naturally. You need to be candid and respectfully to have a blended sense of meaning. The more shared meaning (adopting of values and stories your partner has) the deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will be. Your friendship will be strengthened as well which helps with the other principles. ❤️As you improve one principle it improves the other
Your roles in life: they CDC create farming or tension. Your marriage will feel deeper if your expectations of each other and feel your partners place in the family aught to be. Do both feel the man I’d the provider and woman the nurturer or both view egalitarian. Do you both view what your siblings and patents role in your family should play? Do you both feel the same way about work? Seeing these things similarly will create a deeper relationship. The more you can talk freely about your view of roles in life the more likely you are to reach a consensus that makes sense.
Personal goals: most often people dont talk about their deepest goals. If you can work together on them it will bring you closer together in your relationship.
❤️By incorporating these 7 principles will change the trajectory of your relationship. It will take constant work.
Magic 5 hours: the successful couples devote 5 hours to working on their relationship.
Partings: before saying goodbye in the morning learn 1 thing going on with your partner.
Reunions: engage in a stress reducing conversation at the end of each workday for 20 minutes
Admiration and appreciation: do one thing a day to show this
Affection: Kiss, hold, grab, touch each other when you’re together. Kiss before going to bed and use that as a symbol of letting go of grudges.
Weekly date: low pressure way of studying connected. Ask questions to update your love map and turn towards each other.
❤️Marital poop detector: people with the highest expectations tend to have the highest satisfaction with their marriage. Those who learn to accept high levels of negativity tend to be unhappier with their relationship. It is important to talk about issues when they are small before they get to be large issues.
❤️forgive yourself: Relationships are difficult. Criticism doesn’t make a relationship better; it only makes it worse. Partners who criticize frequently tend to do so because 1) the order never addressed what was wrong so they adopt a new technique or 2) the partner often criticizes themselves and focuses on the negatives of their partner instead of the positive. 85% of the time relationships have the second problem. Forgive yourself for your imperfections so you dont hold things against your over. Show thanks to your partner as it is the antidote to criticism. ❤️Try not criticizing for 1 week and offer praise for your partner. It has to be genuine. Keep stretching this period s as you repeat the exercises and in time you will learn to forgive yourself.
The more you’re able to praise and be thankful of your partner the more meaningful and fulfilling your lives together will be.
August 8, 2020
Realistic, logical advice
June 22, 2023
I highly recommend this book for anyone contemplating marriage or wanting to improve upon their existing marriage. There are gems of sure wisdom and sound advice discussed inside these pages, including quizzes designed to help couples understand one another's hopes, dreams, expectations, and thought processes. I am more convinced in the necessity of genuine friendship between married couples and the vital need for each one to support the other regardless. It would be beneficial to read this book as a couple.
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