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The Five Core Conversations for Couples: How to Talk about Parenting, Communication, Finances, Sex, and Balance to Stay off the Couch and out of Court
A Top Divorce Lawyer and a Family Therapist Show You How to Really Talk—for Better or for Worse
Married for 33 years, David, a divorce lawyer, and Julie, a family therapist, have both been witness to families struggling with life’s most difficult challenges. At the same time, they have weathered their own challenges at home: raising four daughters, two biological and two adopted, and dealing with one child’s mental health and behavioral issues. What they’ve learned about saving a marriage or knowing when to call it quits, when to turn to professionals or when to try tough love, could fill a book—and it does.
The Five Core Conversations for Couples tackles every corner of relationships with the wisdom, knowledge, and best advice culled from David and Julie’s unique personal and professional experiences, organized topically into the five core reasons that people come to their offices. Topics include:
Disability
Abuse
Serious illness
Estrangement
And much, much more
Take a look inside the hearts and minds of two marriage professionals to gain a fresh perspective into your own relationships and to have valuable and more frequent conversations with those you love.
Married for 33 years, David, a divorce lawyer, and Julie, a family therapist, have both been witness to families struggling with life’s most difficult challenges. At the same time, they have weathered their own challenges at home: raising four daughters, two biological and two adopted, and dealing with one child’s mental health and behavioral issues. What they’ve learned about saving a marriage or knowing when to call it quits, when to turn to professionals or when to try tough love, could fill a book—and it does.
The Five Core Conversations for Couples tackles every corner of relationships with the wisdom, knowledge, and best advice culled from David and Julie’s unique personal and professional experiences, organized topically into the five core reasons that people come to their offices. Topics include:
Disability
Abuse
Serious illness
Estrangement
And much, much more
Take a look inside the hearts and minds of two marriage professionals to gain a fresh perspective into your own relationships and to have valuable and more frequent conversations with those you love.
176 pages, Paperback
Published February 4, 2020
141 people are currently reading
987 people want to read
About the author
David Bulitt
7 books220 followers Family lawyer David Bulitt has been praised as the lawyer who “epitomizes stability and old fashioned common sense” by Bethesda Magazine and routinely makes every top Washington DC Metro lawyer list. His clients say that he is “the best non-shaving, motorcycle-riding, bourbon-drinking, non-lawyer, lawyer” they know. David has been married to Julie, a family therapist, for more than 35 years.
Have you ever wondered how it is that some couples can survive and stay together through life's most difficult of challenges, while others seemingly can't get past a bad weekend? In their new book, SECRETS OF STRONG COUPLES, David and Julie Bulitt combine their knowledge and experience to help answer the relationship question that many of us ask when we see these couples whose glue continues to adhere, no matter their struggles - What do they have that we don't have?
David and Julie collaborated on their first book, THE 5 CORE CONVERSATIONS FOR COUPLES, that was published in 2020. The book tackles every corner of relationships with the wisdom, knowledge, and best advice culled from David and Julie’s unique experiences not only from the therapist's couch to the lawyer's office, but from David and Julie's personal experiences.
David also is the author of two novels,CARD GAME and BECAUSE I HAD TO. were published in 2015 and 2017 respectively.
More about The Bulitt's can be found at www.thebulitts.com
David and Julie can be found on the following social media sites:
Facebook - @thebulitts
Instagram -@thebulitts
Twitter - @thebulitts
You Tube - @thebulitts
Have you ever wondered how it is that some couples can survive and stay together through life's most difficult of challenges, while others seemingly can't get past a bad weekend? In their new book, SECRETS OF STRONG COUPLES, David and Julie Bulitt combine their knowledge and experience to help answer the relationship question that many of us ask when we see these couples whose glue continues to adhere, no matter their struggles - What do they have that we don't have?
David and Julie collaborated on their first book, THE 5 CORE CONVERSATIONS FOR COUPLES, that was published in 2020. The book tackles every corner of relationships with the wisdom, knowledge, and best advice culled from David and Julie’s unique experiences not only from the therapist's couch to the lawyer's office, but from David and Julie's personal experiences.
David also is the author of two novels,CARD GAME and BECAUSE I HAD TO. were published in 2015 and 2017 respectively.
More about The Bulitt's can be found at www.thebulitts.com
David and Julie can be found on the following social media sites:
Facebook - @thebulitts
Instagram -@thebulitts
Twitter - @thebulitts
You Tube - @thebulitts
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 31 reviews
June 5, 2020
Didn’t Like the Set-Up
The book's subtitle promises expert advice, and this couple could certainly be considered relationship experts, as he is a divorce lawyer and she is a family therapist. So they see it all, from both sides of the spectrum and all points in between. But, to me, the way they set up this book was not such that it delivered any “expert advice.” Instead, they share a ton of personal stories from their life as a couple and as parents, including dialogue and their thoughts. That's honestly what the bulk of the book is. While transparency is generally an excellent thing, this felt like too much to me. I don't know my own parents as well as I know this couple now. Each of the five core sections has a set of questions at the end that the couple can ponder and discuss; perhaps this would have been more effective if they had put a question or two with each story rather than at the end of a long, multi-part section. Each story within the core sections leads off with a quote from the person who wrote that section; that line or two is the only thing that could be construed as “advice” in the book. I guess you're supposed to draw your own conclusions from each story, and they consider that to be giving expert advice; a key takeaway or two beyond the initial quote for each story would have been nice. This way of sharing information didn't quite work for me. I also didn't like the profanity and use of other crude words. I just don't think that belongs in any book, fiction or nonfiction. All in all, I was disappointed in this book.
My book blog: https://www.readingfanaticreviews.com
The book's subtitle promises expert advice, and this couple could certainly be considered relationship experts, as he is a divorce lawyer and she is a family therapist. So they see it all, from both sides of the spectrum and all points in between. But, to me, the way they set up this book was not such that it delivered any “expert advice.” Instead, they share a ton of personal stories from their life as a couple and as parents, including dialogue and their thoughts. That's honestly what the bulk of the book is. While transparency is generally an excellent thing, this felt like too much to me. I don't know my own parents as well as I know this couple now. Each of the five core sections has a set of questions at the end that the couple can ponder and discuss; perhaps this would have been more effective if they had put a question or two with each story rather than at the end of a long, multi-part section. Each story within the core sections leads off with a quote from the person who wrote that section; that line or two is the only thing that could be construed as “advice” in the book. I guess you're supposed to draw your own conclusions from each story, and they consider that to be giving expert advice; a key takeaway or two beyond the initial quote for each story would have been nice. This way of sharing information didn't quite work for me. I also didn't like the profanity and use of other crude words. I just don't think that belongs in any book, fiction or nonfiction. All in all, I was disappointed in this book.
My book blog: https://www.readingfanaticreviews.com
April 13, 2020
Highly recommended, no matter how long you’ve been married!
Big fan! After reading David Bulitt‘s previous two fiction books (check out Card Game and Because I Had To), I was excited to see what his latest non-fiction book had to offer. And, The Five Core Conversations for Couples does not disappoint. As one of the most highly regarded divorce attorneys in the country, he and his wife Julie (who is a marriage counselor) definitely hit it out of the ballpark with this one. After being married for 7 years, I’ve taken so many great approaches from this book (especially from the “Use Your Oxygen Mask” chapter - it’s so valuable during these challenging times) that I can implement for years to come, and have recommended this book to family and friends that have been married for much longer. No matter how long you’ve been married, there is valuable information for everyone. I couldn’t lay it down and finished it over the weekend, now my husband is reading it and wholeheartedly agrees (he’s loving the “Weekends Away” chapter).
Definitely my go-to gift for upcoming weddings!
Big fan! After reading David Bulitt‘s previous two fiction books (check out Card Game and Because I Had To), I was excited to see what his latest non-fiction book had to offer. And, The Five Core Conversations for Couples does not disappoint. As one of the most highly regarded divorce attorneys in the country, he and his wife Julie (who is a marriage counselor) definitely hit it out of the ballpark with this one. After being married for 7 years, I’ve taken so many great approaches from this book (especially from the “Use Your Oxygen Mask” chapter - it’s so valuable during these challenging times) that I can implement for years to come, and have recommended this book to family and friends that have been married for much longer. No matter how long you’ve been married, there is valuable information for everyone. I couldn’t lay it down and finished it over the weekend, now my husband is reading it and wholeheartedly agrees (he’s loving the “Weekends Away” chapter).
Definitely my go-to gift for upcoming weddings!
February 3, 2020
This book tells it like it is. It pulls no punches. And, it's funny. Funny is important when your marriage is on the rocks and everything else in your life sucks. So many reviews say a book's information is "practical" - this is SO practical and to the point that I think if I'd read it during my 26-year marriage, I'd still be married to a great guy. It's my road map for my new marriage (again, with a great guy). This is great for life partners of any kind - it covers everything from money issues to sex. And, truly, if you can master those, aren't you well on your way to happier times?! But, through their experience as a divorce attorney and a marriage counselor - married for over 30 years, they've seen it all in their offices and at home. I like that it deals with kids and the issues that can seep into a marriage from those challenges. Read this to stay married! Or, read it before you commit to anybody seriously.
March 27, 2023
⭐️ 5/5
📚 33
🗂️ Non-fiction - Family and Relationships
📖 Dual dialog book, exploring the five core conversations for couples. The authors are David (a divorce and family lawyer) and Julie (family therapist) - if there is anyone that I’m taking hints and tips from - it’s this couple! “Listen to Julie so you don’t need to talk to David” - this will be a quote in our house now!
✅ Sparked conversation
✅ Short chapters
✅ Light reading but impactful
✅ The authors playfulness with each other throughout me smile
✅ There are questions at the end of each chapter to create discussion
💬 “If people were nicer in how they spoke to their partner, couples would do a lot less fighting and there would be a lot fewer divorces”
💬 “None of us should let one person in a relationship handle all of something…Both should have a sense of how to do the other’s job if they need to”
💬 “If you’re angry and you know it, stomp your feet. And talk about it”
💬 “It can be mundane. There are ways to fix that”.
📚 33
🗂️ Non-fiction - Family and Relationships
📖 Dual dialog book, exploring the five core conversations for couples. The authors are David (a divorce and family lawyer) and Julie (family therapist) - if there is anyone that I’m taking hints and tips from - it’s this couple! “Listen to Julie so you don’t need to talk to David” - this will be a quote in our house now!
✅ Sparked conversation
✅ Short chapters
✅ Light reading but impactful
✅ The authors playfulness with each other throughout me smile
✅ There are questions at the end of each chapter to create discussion
💬 “If people were nicer in how they spoke to their partner, couples would do a lot less fighting and there would be a lot fewer divorces”
💬 “None of us should let one person in a relationship handle all of something…Both should have a sense of how to do the other’s job if they need to”
💬 “If you’re angry and you know it, stomp your feet. And talk about it”
💬 “It can be mundane. There are ways to fix that”.
April 11, 2020
This is a fun, breezy read about a complex subject: MARRIAGE. David Bulitt (a divorce lawyer) and his wife Julie (a family therapist) share their hard-earned personal and professional wisdom in a forthright and humorous way. As a result, their victories - and defeats - translate into teachable moments for the reader. The book unfolds more like a playful novel than a clinical self-help book, offering concise, real-life stories with relatable advice on how to be a better spouse/parent. The Bulitts lead by example, turning the mirror toward themselves - warts and all - to discuss issues that inevitably arise in even the happiest of marriages. The tone is never preachy, but instead refreshingly self-deprecating and self-aware. THE FIVE CORE CONVERSATIONS FOR COUPLES wholly embraces the Mars/Venus dynamic - and gives concrete pointers on how to navigate the challenges of marriage/parenthood.
June 9, 2020
This book is co-authored by a family law specialist (aka divorce lawyer) and his wife, a family therapist. I liked how they chose to structure this book - one chapter from his point of view, the next from hers. It reads as a conversation, and I enjoyed their banter. While I imagine they have plenty of professional examples of how one might not handle certain situations in a relationship, they included many painful struggles from their own marriage, and the lessons learned through those challenging times. I appreciated their honesty. I voluntarily reviewed this book. All opinions are my own.
February 26, 2020
Five Core Conversations offers something for everybody who is in a relationship, whether you've been dating for two weeks or married for forty years. It explores important topics in all relationships and it fearlessly asks questions that are not always easy or comfortable to ask. The dialogue is fun and authentic and by the end, you feel like you've been close friends with Julie and David for a decade. I'm looking forward to their next offering!
April 14, 2020
Funny, insightful, and conversation sparking! I have only been married for 1.4 years, although my husband and I were together for about 6 years before marriage. The cores hit on the most important and often most uncomfortable spots of any marriage for even the most solid of couples. This is a book that we plan to read and re-read throughout the years of our marriage and continue the conversations sparked by the questions after each core.
April 9, 2020
Such an insightful (and funny!) book from a couple who really are so qualified to write it. I was surprised by the number of topics they were able to speak on with authority -- they left no stone unturned!
April 13, 2020
I thoroughly enjoyed these “couples conversations”
Whether you’re considering marriage or in a long time relationship the Bulitt’s provide valuable insight into the ups and downs of a partnership.
Whether you’re considering marriage or in a long time relationship the Bulitt’s provide valuable insight into the ups and downs of a partnership.
June 17, 2023
Learn the five fundamental topics to build a thriving relationship.
Can you imagine it? You’re 75, sitting on your front porch, holding your partner’s wrinkled hand, and telling them that you’ve made it. The two of you have successfully weathered the storm, and the only thing that can separate you now is death itself.
Isn’t that just a lovely goal to have? But how exactly do you turn that into reality?
Family therapist Julie Bulitt and her husband of 30+ years, divorce lawyer David Bulitt, hold the answer. In this book, you'll take a walk through the Bulitts' five core building blocks of a healthy, long-lasting relationship. These are the deep conversations you'll want to have with your significant other to work your way towards that old couple goal.
-
Core #1: Building and maintaining the connection
As soon as Sarah and Ron walked into Julie Bulitt's office, she quickly noticed the palpable distance between them. Sarah appeared stiff right next to her husband, and Ron purposely sat down on the farthest chair from his wife. You could just see the stress etched all over their faces.
As it turned out, juggling full-time jobs and two kids meant they had no time for each other. In fact, they hadn't spent quality time alone together for more than a year.
Julie advised them to schedule an activity they could enjoy as a couple, no kids or chores, just the two of them hanging out. It didn't need to be a daily occurrence, but something they could both look forward to regularly. Sarah and Ron took this advice to heart, and when they returned to Julie's office several weeks later, they were holding hands.
That’s one of the core pillars of a healthy and successful relationship: connection. You don’t just stop after forging a bond and committing to the relationship. Just like how a home needs tending to stay tidy, a relationship has to be maintained for it to thrive.
Unfortunately, more often than not, couples forget to put in the effort once they’re all settled down. They no longer work on themselves and the relationship. Then, when their disconnect begins damaging the relationship, they ignore it and hide behind the excuse that they’re too busy. They know it’s a problem, but they keep putting it on the back burner. They only start caring once it’s too late to repair the mess.
To avoid falling into that trap, it's essential to keep in mind that a relationship requires ongoing attention and care. Maintaining a strong connection with your partner is what keeps the relationship alive.
And the best thing about it? It can be done in a variety of ways. There’s not just one way to connect with your partner. You can freely explore what works for you both.
It can be as special as going on weekly dinner dates or as simple as reading the morning news together without distractions. Even supporting your partner’s interests and doing something with your kid can count as connecting, too. It’s also important to talk about what acts of kindness you want your partner to do more, like complimenting you or picking up your dry cleaning.
Maintaining the connection also means learning how to deal with arguments. Remember that arguments lead to disconnect, and that’s the opposite of what you’re aiming for. Whenever you’re mad at your partner, communicate it instead of giving them the silent treatment. Don’t treat them as if they’re a ghost – that will just make things worse.
However, there are situations where it's best to stay silent. If what you'll say won't change anything, it's best to keep it to yourself. For instance, say you're on a road trip and warned your partner not to drink too much water. They went ahead and did it anyway, and now they're begging to stop at the next gas station. You could say, "I told you so," but what's the point? It's not going to make them need to pee any less, so it's probably best to just say nothing – and avoid any unnecessary drama.
Another thing to keep in mind is to avoid pushing your partner's buttons. Be mindful of how you criticize and correct them. And most importantly, when the going gets tough, don't doubt for a second that you and your partner can handle it. If you believe in yourselves, you'll be able to weather any storm.
-
Core #2: Money matters
Money can’t buy you love, but it sure can cause some major problems in your relationship if you don't talk about it.
In fact, David Bulitt names “finances” as one of the four main reasons why his clients come to him. They haven't been smart about money at all and it's ruined their marriage beyond repair.
So, to make your relationship last, you need to sit down and have a chat about your finances as early as possible. This is especially important if you and your partner were brought up with different attitudes towards money. Having come from opposing backgrounds, you will likely spend money differently, too, and that can also affect your relationship.
That’s why it’s important to lay down the ground rules straight away. Discuss what you should and shouldn’t spend your money on. Admittedly, this can be challenging to do because there are just some situations where you’re torn between spending or not.
One instance is when your partner buys something for themselves, and then you feel the need to buy something for yourself, too. After all, there should be equality. But this can cause serious strain on your finances when money is tight. Instead of trying to aim for equality, aim for mutual understanding instead. Understand why they needed to buy it – and be accepting of their needs.
Another conflicting situation is when you see others buying stuff you don't have. Imagine your neighbor just got a fancy new RV, and now you're thinking, "Hey, I want one of those too!" Sure, there's nothing wrong with wanting to treat your family to some road trip adventures, but let's be real – jealousy doesn't look good on anyone. Plus, your bank account might not be too thrilled with the idea either.
Finance discussions should also include the number of kids you want to have. Kids are expensive, so this should be decided from the get-go. And if you already have kids but regret having more than you wanted, don't freak out. Just take it one step at a time. First, it's important to accept those negative feelings. Then, start brainstorming ways to make up for lost time, like saving up for a girls-only trip to Vegas or a brand-new golf bag for your partner.
If you need to cut back on expenses over the course of the relationship, don't simply cut them without consulting the other first. Remember that anything involving money should be a team decision.
Speaking of team decisions, always keep your partner in the loop on your financial situation. Give them an idea of how much joint savings you have, or how long until you pay off the family car. If it’s your partner who handles the finances, make it a point to ask about these things. It’s even better if you learn how to do your household finances, too. This way, you won’t be left in the dark.
Apart from identifying what to spend and what to cut, you should also talk about your partner’s spending habits that drive you up the wall. Don’t wait until you’re in a divorce lawyer’s office before you speak up – tackle them head-on. You might just find a compromise. Keep in mind that financial harmony goes a long way in keeping your relationship at peace.
-
Core #3: Parenting strategies
It’s often said that there’s no greater joy than becoming a parent. That may be true, but there are a whole lot of struggles that go along with it, too. That's why to successfully navigate the ups and downs of raising kids, it’s essential to have open and honest conversations about parenting strategies.
One of the ways to keep your relationship in harmony while raising kids is to share responsibilities. When one of you is already frazzled by caretaking, tag in the other partner to take over. You can’t give your kids your best if you’re already running on empty. So secure some ‘me’ time to recharge – and pass the baton to your partner.
On the topic of responsibility, don’t be that parent who creates a disaster zone and then leaves. Say you didn’t pack your kid’s toys before going on a trip, and now they’re in a crying fit. You made the mess, so own that responsibility and clean it up.
But, easily one of the most essential parenting strategies is to always establish a united front. Discuss important rules, such as screen time limits or disciplinary actions. You should see eye to eye on things right from the get-go.
This helps you avoid situations where your kid says something like, “Mom agreed to let me have a sleepover,” or, “Dad said I could have two chocolates.” Without agreeing on these rules first, you and your partner will likely contradict each other.
Having a united front will also help you deal with all the crazy stuff that comes with parenting. Let’s face it, kids can be unpredictable. From dealing with addiction to navigating religious changes to managing mental health issues, you’ve got to have each other's backs. At the end of the day, it's all about teamwork.
-
Core #4: Intimacy and physical affection
If there’s anything hotter than good sex, it’s good communication about sex.
Almost all couples agree on how important intimacy is in a relationship. It’s what keeps the fire burning between two people in love. Sure, it may not be the only thing that holds a couple together, but it plays a massive part.
However, sex isn’t as simple as hopping into bed with your partner. There are things you need to talk about first. For one, each other’s sex drive. When one of you is ready to rock and roll while the other is ready to roll over and sleep, it can cause some serious drama.
That's where compromise comes in – find a happy common ground where both of you can get your needs met. And if you have to turn down your partner's advances, try sprinkling in some sweet words instead of just slapping down a hard "no." That’ll be easier to accept.
Aside from sex drive, there’s also the challenge of keeping things exciting. If your routine starts to become dull, it may be time to mix it up. Watch a sexy movie, read steamy books, or use toys. Think of creative ways to get you and your partner in a good mood because sex isn’t just about what feels good physically but also emotionally. Just be sure that whatever gimmick you want to try, consider your partner’s concerns and feelings. Avoid engaging in things they’re not comfortable with.
Above all, don’t use sex as a weapon to punish your partner. If you're angry or upset with your partner, don't even think about holding out on them in the bedroom. It's a surefire way to make things worse, not better. Talk it out. There’s nothing more effective than communicating your feelings.
Intimacy can also mean other things apart from sex. You can cuddle, give them a good morning kiss, or even just hug them before they go to sleep. The important thing is to show your partner some affection and show it frequently.
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Core #5: Keeping the balance in the relationship
A seesaw’s no fun when you’re always on the ground. The same goes for your love life. If you want that relationship to go the distance, you have to find that perfect balance. It's all about finding that sweet spot where both you and your partner feel like you're on the same page.
That can look different in every relationship, though. Some relationships thrive on a balance of extreme emotions – they’re yelling at each other one moment and the next they’re clinging to each other like koalas to a tree. Others find more success in a more stable and steady approach, where emotions don’t run too high or low.
Balance in a relationship can also mean having more instead of less. While that sounds ironic, it’s actually healthy to have more of certain things. For instance, you should aim for more information – and less guessing. You should know the ins and outs of your partner’s life, from their work to their gym schedule. After all, trust is built on knowledge.
You might also need to give more attention to your partner. Whenever they talk about something, be present, and engage in the conversation. The topic may not be your cup of tea, but seeming interested in it will make your partner feel valued and heard. Sometimes, a listening ear is all they need to solve their problems, too.
Probably the most important “more” to have in your relationship is talking more about your feelings. You’re already aware of how crucial communication is, so practice being an open book to your partner.
Another way to keep the balance in your and your partner’s lives is to give each other some breathing room every now and then. While you might want to spend every waking moment with them, it’s important to maintain other social connections. It helps you stay grounded and brings fresh insights into your relationship. So, whether you want to plan a day at the spa with your friends or hang out with your buddies over some beers, go for it! And if you're feeling extra adventurous, you can always go solo, too. Carving out some “me” time is never a bad idea – it'll keep you feeling young and free.
-
There is no single secret formula to building a successful relationship. It’s composed of multiple important building blocks: connection, finances, parenting, intimacy, and balance. Mastering these core building blocks involves laying them out in the open and having conversations about them. You can never go wrong when it comes to honest communication.
Can you imagine it? You’re 75, sitting on your front porch, holding your partner’s wrinkled hand, and telling them that you’ve made it. The two of you have successfully weathered the storm, and the only thing that can separate you now is death itself.
Isn’t that just a lovely goal to have? But how exactly do you turn that into reality?
Family therapist Julie Bulitt and her husband of 30+ years, divorce lawyer David Bulitt, hold the answer. In this book, you'll take a walk through the Bulitts' five core building blocks of a healthy, long-lasting relationship. These are the deep conversations you'll want to have with your significant other to work your way towards that old couple goal.
-
Core #1: Building and maintaining the connection
As soon as Sarah and Ron walked into Julie Bulitt's office, she quickly noticed the palpable distance between them. Sarah appeared stiff right next to her husband, and Ron purposely sat down on the farthest chair from his wife. You could just see the stress etched all over their faces.
As it turned out, juggling full-time jobs and two kids meant they had no time for each other. In fact, they hadn't spent quality time alone together for more than a year.
Julie advised them to schedule an activity they could enjoy as a couple, no kids or chores, just the two of them hanging out. It didn't need to be a daily occurrence, but something they could both look forward to regularly. Sarah and Ron took this advice to heart, and when they returned to Julie's office several weeks later, they were holding hands.
That’s one of the core pillars of a healthy and successful relationship: connection. You don’t just stop after forging a bond and committing to the relationship. Just like how a home needs tending to stay tidy, a relationship has to be maintained for it to thrive.
Unfortunately, more often than not, couples forget to put in the effort once they’re all settled down. They no longer work on themselves and the relationship. Then, when their disconnect begins damaging the relationship, they ignore it and hide behind the excuse that they’re too busy. They know it’s a problem, but they keep putting it on the back burner. They only start caring once it’s too late to repair the mess.
To avoid falling into that trap, it's essential to keep in mind that a relationship requires ongoing attention and care. Maintaining a strong connection with your partner is what keeps the relationship alive.
And the best thing about it? It can be done in a variety of ways. There’s not just one way to connect with your partner. You can freely explore what works for you both.
It can be as special as going on weekly dinner dates or as simple as reading the morning news together without distractions. Even supporting your partner’s interests and doing something with your kid can count as connecting, too. It’s also important to talk about what acts of kindness you want your partner to do more, like complimenting you or picking up your dry cleaning.
Maintaining the connection also means learning how to deal with arguments. Remember that arguments lead to disconnect, and that’s the opposite of what you’re aiming for. Whenever you’re mad at your partner, communicate it instead of giving them the silent treatment. Don’t treat them as if they’re a ghost – that will just make things worse.
However, there are situations where it's best to stay silent. If what you'll say won't change anything, it's best to keep it to yourself. For instance, say you're on a road trip and warned your partner not to drink too much water. They went ahead and did it anyway, and now they're begging to stop at the next gas station. You could say, "I told you so," but what's the point? It's not going to make them need to pee any less, so it's probably best to just say nothing – and avoid any unnecessary drama.
Another thing to keep in mind is to avoid pushing your partner's buttons. Be mindful of how you criticize and correct them. And most importantly, when the going gets tough, don't doubt for a second that you and your partner can handle it. If you believe in yourselves, you'll be able to weather any storm.
-
Core #2: Money matters
Money can’t buy you love, but it sure can cause some major problems in your relationship if you don't talk about it.
In fact, David Bulitt names “finances” as one of the four main reasons why his clients come to him. They haven't been smart about money at all and it's ruined their marriage beyond repair.
So, to make your relationship last, you need to sit down and have a chat about your finances as early as possible. This is especially important if you and your partner were brought up with different attitudes towards money. Having come from opposing backgrounds, you will likely spend money differently, too, and that can also affect your relationship.
That’s why it’s important to lay down the ground rules straight away. Discuss what you should and shouldn’t spend your money on. Admittedly, this can be challenging to do because there are just some situations where you’re torn between spending or not.
One instance is when your partner buys something for themselves, and then you feel the need to buy something for yourself, too. After all, there should be equality. But this can cause serious strain on your finances when money is tight. Instead of trying to aim for equality, aim for mutual understanding instead. Understand why they needed to buy it – and be accepting of their needs.
Another conflicting situation is when you see others buying stuff you don't have. Imagine your neighbor just got a fancy new RV, and now you're thinking, "Hey, I want one of those too!" Sure, there's nothing wrong with wanting to treat your family to some road trip adventures, but let's be real – jealousy doesn't look good on anyone. Plus, your bank account might not be too thrilled with the idea either.
Finance discussions should also include the number of kids you want to have. Kids are expensive, so this should be decided from the get-go. And if you already have kids but regret having more than you wanted, don't freak out. Just take it one step at a time. First, it's important to accept those negative feelings. Then, start brainstorming ways to make up for lost time, like saving up for a girls-only trip to Vegas or a brand-new golf bag for your partner.
If you need to cut back on expenses over the course of the relationship, don't simply cut them without consulting the other first. Remember that anything involving money should be a team decision.
Speaking of team decisions, always keep your partner in the loop on your financial situation. Give them an idea of how much joint savings you have, or how long until you pay off the family car. If it’s your partner who handles the finances, make it a point to ask about these things. It’s even better if you learn how to do your household finances, too. This way, you won’t be left in the dark.
Apart from identifying what to spend and what to cut, you should also talk about your partner’s spending habits that drive you up the wall. Don’t wait until you’re in a divorce lawyer’s office before you speak up – tackle them head-on. You might just find a compromise. Keep in mind that financial harmony goes a long way in keeping your relationship at peace.
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Core #3: Parenting strategies
It’s often said that there’s no greater joy than becoming a parent. That may be true, but there are a whole lot of struggles that go along with it, too. That's why to successfully navigate the ups and downs of raising kids, it’s essential to have open and honest conversations about parenting strategies.
One of the ways to keep your relationship in harmony while raising kids is to share responsibilities. When one of you is already frazzled by caretaking, tag in the other partner to take over. You can’t give your kids your best if you’re already running on empty. So secure some ‘me’ time to recharge – and pass the baton to your partner.
On the topic of responsibility, don’t be that parent who creates a disaster zone and then leaves. Say you didn’t pack your kid’s toys before going on a trip, and now they’re in a crying fit. You made the mess, so own that responsibility and clean it up.
But, easily one of the most essential parenting strategies is to always establish a united front. Discuss important rules, such as screen time limits or disciplinary actions. You should see eye to eye on things right from the get-go.
This helps you avoid situations where your kid says something like, “Mom agreed to let me have a sleepover,” or, “Dad said I could have two chocolates.” Without agreeing on these rules first, you and your partner will likely contradict each other.
Having a united front will also help you deal with all the crazy stuff that comes with parenting. Let’s face it, kids can be unpredictable. From dealing with addiction to navigating religious changes to managing mental health issues, you’ve got to have each other's backs. At the end of the day, it's all about teamwork.
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Core #4: Intimacy and physical affection
If there’s anything hotter than good sex, it’s good communication about sex.
Almost all couples agree on how important intimacy is in a relationship. It’s what keeps the fire burning between two people in love. Sure, it may not be the only thing that holds a couple together, but it plays a massive part.
However, sex isn’t as simple as hopping into bed with your partner. There are things you need to talk about first. For one, each other’s sex drive. When one of you is ready to rock and roll while the other is ready to roll over and sleep, it can cause some serious drama.
That's where compromise comes in – find a happy common ground where both of you can get your needs met. And if you have to turn down your partner's advances, try sprinkling in some sweet words instead of just slapping down a hard "no." That’ll be easier to accept.
Aside from sex drive, there’s also the challenge of keeping things exciting. If your routine starts to become dull, it may be time to mix it up. Watch a sexy movie, read steamy books, or use toys. Think of creative ways to get you and your partner in a good mood because sex isn’t just about what feels good physically but also emotionally. Just be sure that whatever gimmick you want to try, consider your partner’s concerns and feelings. Avoid engaging in things they’re not comfortable with.
Above all, don’t use sex as a weapon to punish your partner. If you're angry or upset with your partner, don't even think about holding out on them in the bedroom. It's a surefire way to make things worse, not better. Talk it out. There’s nothing more effective than communicating your feelings.
Intimacy can also mean other things apart from sex. You can cuddle, give them a good morning kiss, or even just hug them before they go to sleep. The important thing is to show your partner some affection and show it frequently.
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Core #5: Keeping the balance in the relationship
A seesaw’s no fun when you’re always on the ground. The same goes for your love life. If you want that relationship to go the distance, you have to find that perfect balance. It's all about finding that sweet spot where both you and your partner feel like you're on the same page.
That can look different in every relationship, though. Some relationships thrive on a balance of extreme emotions – they’re yelling at each other one moment and the next they’re clinging to each other like koalas to a tree. Others find more success in a more stable and steady approach, where emotions don’t run too high or low.
Balance in a relationship can also mean having more instead of less. While that sounds ironic, it’s actually healthy to have more of certain things. For instance, you should aim for more information – and less guessing. You should know the ins and outs of your partner’s life, from their work to their gym schedule. After all, trust is built on knowledge.
You might also need to give more attention to your partner. Whenever they talk about something, be present, and engage in the conversation. The topic may not be your cup of tea, but seeming interested in it will make your partner feel valued and heard. Sometimes, a listening ear is all they need to solve their problems, too.
Probably the most important “more” to have in your relationship is talking more about your feelings. You’re already aware of how crucial communication is, so practice being an open book to your partner.
Another way to keep the balance in your and your partner’s lives is to give each other some breathing room every now and then. While you might want to spend every waking moment with them, it’s important to maintain other social connections. It helps you stay grounded and brings fresh insights into your relationship. So, whether you want to plan a day at the spa with your friends or hang out with your buddies over some beers, go for it! And if you're feeling extra adventurous, you can always go solo, too. Carving out some “me” time is never a bad idea – it'll keep you feeling young and free.
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There is no single secret formula to building a successful relationship. It’s composed of multiple important building blocks: connection, finances, parenting, intimacy, and balance. Mastering these core building blocks involves laying them out in the open and having conversations about them. You can never go wrong when it comes to honest communication.
March 1, 2021
The fact that this was written by a married couple gives it even more credibility. Yes, the authors accomplishments do as well, but I think something about the fact that they are able to lend their own relationship experiences really gives it something extra.
The authors play off of each other well and have really been able to put together a cohesive relationship self-help book.
The authors play off of each other well and have really been able to put together a cohesive relationship self-help book.
Read
December 4, 2020This book caught my attention since it was written by a divorce lawyer and a family therapist, who happened to be married. It seemed like they'd make a great book and this topic and my expectations did not disappoint. This was a much more fun and light book than I expected since it can be a heavy topic, and I loved that about it!
I loved the broad range of topics that they covered and loved that it provided valuable insights into these topics. Overall, I enjoyed the couples' conversations and this book!
**Thanks to Netgalley for providing an ARC in exchange for an honest review**
I loved the broad range of topics that they covered and loved that it provided valuable insights into these topics. Overall, I enjoyed the couples' conversations and this book!
**Thanks to Netgalley for providing an ARC in exchange for an honest review**
April 26, 2021
Great read!!!
May 28, 2020
To be honest, I was skeptical at first reading the title. Yet took a chance and glad I did! The book is a rather interesting take of a couple - one being a divorce lawyer and the other a family therapist on communication, finances, sex, kids and balance. The stories and perspectives gets entertaining as you read. Good example of 'don't judge a book by its cover'. Literally.
Some of their personal stories were meh. Some conversations utterly funny specifically on sex. Some of it made me wonder how did they even make it together for 30 odd years?? I think I'd have needed a therapist if I was in the middle of a few of those conversations. 🤣
The insights on finances were good. Sharing is not caring but a 'CYA strategy'. Get behind the steering wheel every now and then.
The moving part of the book are the struggles and failures they go through as parents and turning away from their kid. The letters to their troubled daughter addicted to drugs and bad behavior are touching and too authentic.
Hence why life changing experiences are so important to go through and yet beautiful. Have stories to tell, not stuff to show..
P. S. My fav line of this book on the importance of sex summed up the best ever - 'The booty should not be on a budget.' 🤣🤣
Some of their personal stories were meh. Some conversations utterly funny specifically on sex. Some of it made me wonder how did they even make it together for 30 odd years?? I think I'd have needed a therapist if I was in the middle of a few of those conversations. 🤣
The insights on finances were good. Sharing is not caring but a 'CYA strategy'. Get behind the steering wheel every now and then.
The moving part of the book are the struggles and failures they go through as parents and turning away from their kid. The letters to their troubled daughter addicted to drugs and bad behavior are touching and too authentic.
Hence why life changing experiences are so important to go through and yet beautiful. Have stories to tell, not stuff to show..
P. S. My fav line of this book on the importance of sex summed up the best ever - 'The booty should not be on a budget.' 🤣🤣
July 15, 2024
Extremely disappointed in this book. I was hoping for well-educated advice and instead received crude and overly personal stories from their own marriage which left me lost and uncomfortable. The few times the lesson was made clear, it was very elementary level. Felt like a teenager could have come up with it😬
September 19, 2020
Your money would be better spent on Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I didn't think they actually gave any real advice. It felt more like a book about their marital issues as well as others' issues. Would not recommend.
December 18, 2020
I enjoyed the Bulitt's approach and execution on the subject. I think they set out to accomplish something in writing this book and they definitely succeeded in it. It's full of great information and leaves the reader feeling capable and motivated.
January 19, 2021
The thing I really like about this book is that it's not only helpful and insightful, but written in a way that doesn't make it seem like work to learn new stuff. It's engaging and has humor spread throughout. I'm hoping the authors have a new book coming soon.
February 24, 2021
This book is quite entertaining, educational, and important for many couples. It brings numerous topics that often get people in hot water and jeopardize relationships to the table. The humor and the wit used in the book made it that much more enjoyable. The writing style is great.
June 17, 2023
Core #1: Building and maintaining the connection
You don’t just stop after forging a bond and committing to the relationship. Just like how a home needs tending to stay tidy, a relationship has to be maintained for it to thrive.
Core #2: Money matters
Money can’t buy you love, but it sure can cause some major problems in your relationship if you don't talk about it.
What are the ground rules?
Core #3: Parenting strategies
It’s often said that there’s no greater joy than becoming a parent. That may be true, but there are a whole lot of struggles that go along with it, too. That's why to successfully navigate the ups and downs of raising kids, it’s essential to have open and honest conversations about parenting strategies.
Core #4: Intimacy and physical affection are important
Core #5: Keeping the balance in the relationship
A seesaw’s no fun when you’re always on the ground. The same goes for your love life. If you want that relationship to go the distance, you have to find that perfect balance. It's all about finding that sweet spot where both you and your partner feel like you're on the same page.
You don’t just stop after forging a bond and committing to the relationship. Just like how a home needs tending to stay tidy, a relationship has to be maintained for it to thrive.
Core #2: Money matters
Money can’t buy you love, but it sure can cause some major problems in your relationship if you don't talk about it.
What are the ground rules?
Core #3: Parenting strategies
It’s often said that there’s no greater joy than becoming a parent. That may be true, but there are a whole lot of struggles that go along with it, too. That's why to successfully navigate the ups and downs of raising kids, it’s essential to have open and honest conversations about parenting strategies.
Core #4: Intimacy and physical affection are important
Core #5: Keeping the balance in the relationship
A seesaw’s no fun when you’re always on the ground. The same goes for your love life. If you want that relationship to go the distance, you have to find that perfect balance. It's all about finding that sweet spot where both you and your partner feel like you're on the same page.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 18, 2024
Simple book. I do like that the wife is a family therapist and the husband is a divorce lawyer- it definitely makes for some fun conversation at home, I’m sure. I listened to this on audio and I think that was a mishap. The banter between the authors felt forced, like it was there to prove that they’re a normal couple. I didn’t like how every other joke was about sex either. BUT, I appreciated the content.
October 11, 2024
Aside from section-ending question lists, the book is not the "how to" it professes to be, as it is essentially back & forth banter between the two writer-spouses ... and they are painful to read, with their disrespect, irreverence, and generally crass, off-putting language. Of course, humor and light-heartedness are welcome, but this is too much grimace-inducing stuff. In the end notes they contrast themselves to John Gottman; I got to that and exclaimed 'well ain't that the truth!'
December 28, 2023
Check It Out
Good book.
Not very Christian at times (in my opinion).
But that being said, it was an excellent resource to make your marriage last!
Would recommend checking it out.
4.2/5
Good book.
Not very Christian at times (in my opinion).
But that being said, it was an excellent resource to make your marriage last!
Would recommend checking it out.
4.2/5
January 14, 2024
"Take turns driving - couples should have a sense of how to do the other’s jobs if they need to."
"a balance of power keeps the peace between nations and people."
Interesting perspectives from a divorce lawyer and therapist. I enjoyed the back and forth between them. Personal touches and stories of their own struggles as a couple made it relatable.
"a balance of power keeps the peace between nations and people."
Interesting perspectives from a divorce lawyer and therapist. I enjoyed the back and forth between them. Personal touches and stories of their own struggles as a couple made it relatable.
December 27, 2020
Not a huge fan, there are way better books on couples. Full review on my blog soon - www.therapybooknook.com/blog
August 24, 2024
Nothing new
September 28, 2022
While I knew most of this information already, it was still great to hear again and to reiterate the importance of having these conversations. It was also fun listening to it from the perspective of a divorce lawyer and a family therapist. These are people who have worked with individuals in all phases of relationships, as well as individuals who are on the various spectrums of wanting to fix or wanting to end relationships. I would not mind revisiting this book with my spouse.
One of the takeaways I got:
Couples should "take turns driving" by understanding how to do the jobs/task your partner does in case they suddenly aren't in your life and you need to do what they did.
One of the takeaways I got:
Couples should "take turns driving" by understanding how to do the jobs/task your partner does in case they suddenly aren't in your life and you need to do what they did.
December 13, 2022
This is definitely not my usual read, however, I accepted the invitation to read it. It gave interesting perspectives from the different couples and how they manage their own demons and experiences. The way these professionals open up their own perspectives on the different relationships was mind-opening. I suggest this book to any relationship professional and to those people that like reading about real-life cases.
February 28, 2021
*DNF*
The book was pretty good up to where I reached before the file broke and with the book archived, I can't reach the end.
I do recommend checking it out, as I'll probably do myself later down the road.
*Thanks to NetGalley and BookBuzz.net for providing me with an ARC of this title in exchange for an honest review.*
The book was pretty good up to where I reached before the file broke and with the book archived, I can't reach the end.
I do recommend checking it out, as I'll probably do myself later down the road.
*Thanks to NetGalley and BookBuzz.net for providing me with an ARC of this title in exchange for an honest review.*
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