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What Have I Done?: An Honest Memoir About Surviving Post-natal Mental Illness
This is a raw and honest memoir about being devastated by post-partum psychosis and coming through the other side.
Laura Dockrill had an idyllic pregnancy and couldn't wait to meet her new baby. But as she went into labour things began to go wrong and Laura started to struggle. A traumatic birth, anxiety about the baby, sleep deprivation, a slow recovery - all these things piled up until Laura (like any new mum) felt overwhelmed.
As many as 8 out of 10 new mums struggle in the weeks after birth. In Laura's case these feelings escalated scarily quickly into post-partum psychosis. She became paranoid and delusional and had to be institutionalised for a fortnight without her baby. Throughout this time she was haunted by a sense of: 'What have I done?', at first as she wondered if she could cope with her baby, and later because she was trying to grasp at reality as she slipped into nightmarish delusion.
Laura's experience was devastating but this is a hopeful book. Not only has Laura slowly recovered she has come out the other side stronger and more assured about parenting on her own terms. Now she is determined to break the silence around post-natal mental health and with her story tell new parents: you are not alone.
348 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 23, 2020
35 people are currently reading
1837 people want to read
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December 29, 2021
Do you remember Oprah before she got slim? She was a bouncy, animated attractive woman who was forever running up and down with her mic amid her audience, one of them physically, one of them with issues, with a special talent in being able to discuss them. Then she got slim and became the Queen of self-help telling people, never losing an opportunity for preaching, 'do what I tell you to do because I have been throught it and I know it and if you do what I tell you, everything will be all right and you will be happy." Endlessly repeated, repetition as reinforcement. I lost interest.
That's quite a lot of how the book is. I didn't enjoy it from the beginning because the writing style annoyed me (this is just me, you might love it), lots of choppy sentences elucidating on an original thought,
The final part of the book, I mostly dnf'd. It was pure Oprah. It was their mission to pass on their experience and what to do and how to do it, even in bullet points. CBT will change your life, it changed mine! There was even advice for friends, family, neighbours and presumably just in case you haven't given birth yet, oneself. And the repetition again, repetition as reinforcement, a CBT technique.
What I did get from the book was this, "I had to learn and accept that we are not disturbed by events themselves but instead how we perceive these events." That is a very valuable way of looking at things - one can always choose one's attitude even if changing events is impossible.
And this, "Had I already scarred him for life? Had I already provided him with the material for his angsty teenage poetry." That is an interesting topic for discussion.
I don't really want to rate this book less than 10 star, the author has really been throught it and I'm sure the book is very valuable to sufferers looking back on it, and to those with a family or friend going through it. And my rating is not to take away from the author, but is a reflection of my own reading experience. It wasn't enjoyable, I didn't like the writing style, and in the end I didn't finish it. 2.5 stars, rounded up.
__________
Notes on reading
When I had my baby after three days in labour, I was delighted. My mother came up to London to take charge for five days, but being the unloving, selfish woman she was, decided she wasn't up to it and caught a train back the same day. So I went home with my ex (first husband, not the baby's father, that is the second husband, but since the baby was white as was my ex, unlike my husband, the doctors, everyone thought he was the baby father) and popped the baby in a drawer. My slightly guilt-ridden mother sent up a cot for him, so we converted the study and the pair of us cooed over him for five weeks.
Then I went back to the Caribbean, long translantic flight to Puerto Rico where my husband had flown down to meet me (he wasn't actually my husband then, that was another month away) and he took charge. Being the youngest of 17, he'd been looking after his sisters' babies all his life. Then home, back to painting t-shirts, running the shop and for the first time one Monday morning I was on my own.
Panic set in. I couldn't cope, how could I look after this little tiny baby (he was only 5lb 7.5 oz. at birth) and run a business and a home and paint t-shirts and glass? I totally freaked but I did not become depressed, I got a nanny instead. (It is not expensive like it would have been in London). And that helped.
All these memories brought up from reading a book on post-partum psychosis. Another one, the author's mother did not love her children in a way that felt like love, and indeed said to them when they grew up that she didn't like them as children, but loved them now they were grown up and her friends. My mother never loved me and everyone but me knew it. I just thought it was me not being ever able to please her. When I was grown up my father and my grandmother at different times told me. We all have our trials. I wonder if this unlovingness, this lack of an example of raising a baby in love despite the hard work to start with contributed to the author's psychosis?
That's quite a lot of how the book is. I didn't enjoy it from the beginning because the writing style annoyed me (this is just me, you might love it), lots of choppy sentences elucidating on an original thought,
(Short version) If you suffer from anxiety, it doesn’t mean that you are a ‘worrier’. That you’re a control freak. A nervous person. Jumpy. Shy. Scared to meet new people.The majority of the book is written in a very chaotic style, probably to reflect the author's psychotic state of mind. But then, all of a sudden, it is a year later and she is revisting the hospital she spent two weeks in. Then back to the slow recovery. I understand that symptoms don't just appear and go away, but the constant repetition didn't make for an enjoyable reading experience.
(Long version)
The final part of the book, I mostly dnf'd. It was pure Oprah. It was their mission to pass on their experience and what to do and how to do it, even in bullet points. CBT will change your life, it changed mine! There was even advice for friends, family, neighbours and presumably just in case you haven't given birth yet, oneself. And the repetition again, repetition as reinforcement, a CBT technique.
What I did get from the book was this, "I had to learn and accept that we are not disturbed by events themselves but instead how we perceive these events." That is a very valuable way of looking at things - one can always choose one's attitude even if changing events is impossible.
And this, "Had I already scarred him for life? Had I already provided him with the material for his angsty teenage poetry." That is an interesting topic for discussion.
I don't really want to rate this book less than 10 star, the author has really been throught it and I'm sure the book is very valuable to sufferers looking back on it, and to those with a family or friend going through it. And my rating is not to take away from the author, but is a reflection of my own reading experience. It wasn't enjoyable, I didn't like the writing style, and in the end I didn't finish it. 2.5 stars, rounded up.
__________
Notes on reading
When I had my baby after three days in labour, I was delighted. My mother came up to London to take charge for five days, but being the unloving, selfish woman she was, decided she wasn't up to it and caught a train back the same day. So I went home with my ex (first husband, not the baby's father, that is the second husband, but since the baby was white as was my ex, unlike my husband, the doctors, everyone thought he was the baby father) and popped the baby in a drawer. My slightly guilt-ridden mother sent up a cot for him, so we converted the study and the pair of us cooed over him for five weeks.
Then I went back to the Caribbean, long translantic flight to Puerto Rico where my husband had flown down to meet me (he wasn't actually my husband then, that was another month away) and he took charge. Being the youngest of 17, he'd been looking after his sisters' babies all his life. Then home, back to painting t-shirts, running the shop and for the first time one Monday morning I was on my own.
Panic set in. I couldn't cope, how could I look after this little tiny baby (he was only 5lb 7.5 oz. at birth) and run a business and a home and paint t-shirts and glass? I totally freaked but I did not become depressed, I got a nanny instead. (It is not expensive like it would have been in London). And that helped.
All these memories brought up from reading a book on post-partum psychosis. Another one, the author's mother did not love her children in a way that felt like love, and indeed said to them when they grew up that she didn't like them as children, but loved them now they were grown up and her friends. My mother never loved me and everyone but me knew it. I just thought it was me not being ever able to please her. When I was grown up my father and my grandmother at different times told me. We all have our trials. I wonder if this unlovingness, this lack of an example of raising a baby in love despite the hard work to start with contributed to the author's psychosis?
Read
April 26, 2020ARC received in exchange for an honest review. Please note I don't star rate memoirs/biographies.
What Have I Done? feels like it so much more than just a memoir about post partum psychosis and depression. Laura Dockrill bares her heart and soul to tell her story about what happened to her following the birth of her firstborn son. Going from an idyllic pregnancy to spending time on a ward away from all her loved ones, and unable to care for her child. The guilt and agony, the anxiety and hopelessness are so real and so honest to read about that I couldn’t put this down – no matter how difficult I found it to read.
This brought back a lot of emotions and feeling from my own heady days of owning a newborn. And I’ve gone through it three times. The lack of sleep, the anxiety that you’re going to harm your baby (and that anyone has been stupid enough to leave this tiny human in your care), the complete lack of knowledge about what you’re doing. You’re mourning the loss of the woman you were before – and that’s ok to do. I don’t think anyone takes to motherhood easily. It’s a short, sharp shock to the system and this memoir brought it all rushing back. Every last sleepless night and sobbing, hormonal mess of it.
Laura’s experiences go beyond this however, with her psychosis leading her to believe that everyone was talking about her, that a giant teddy bear was spying on her. That the world was conspiring to take her baby away from her. A baby she couldn’t bond with. Coupled with intrusive thoughts that told her how awful she was, and convincing her to kill herself. It was heart-breaking to read about, but Laura is brutally honest with every scene she retells, and I found that to be such an incredibly brave thing to do. I felt that she was baring her life story, every awful memory, to a close friend. I felt like I grew to know Laura well, and I desperately wanted her to get better – much like her family do within her memoir. You can see how much they deeply care for Laura, and how desperate they wanted her to recover from her illness.
This was such a traumatic yet refreshing read. So often we see these images of the ‘perfect’ mother on social media, or read articles about what mothers ‘should’ be. It all adds to the guilt of being a parent, of feeling inadequate. Laura’s memoir is a reminder that the road to motherhood is not a smooth one, and takes many diversions, but she has come out of the other side as a stronger person. Her experiences with psychosis have not defined who she is. It’s a story that needs to be more widely heard and talked about – it’s a story that could help so many others suffering from mental illness as it shows the power of acceptance and the road to recovery. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it yet. There were so many moments I could personally relate to (especially with regards to anxiety) and I just want to thank Laura for having the courage to write this, and making me believe in myself and owing my motherhood.
What Have I Done? feels like it so much more than just a memoir about post partum psychosis and depression. Laura Dockrill bares her heart and soul to tell her story about what happened to her following the birth of her firstborn son. Going from an idyllic pregnancy to spending time on a ward away from all her loved ones, and unable to care for her child. The guilt and agony, the anxiety and hopelessness are so real and so honest to read about that I couldn’t put this down – no matter how difficult I found it to read.
This brought back a lot of emotions and feeling from my own heady days of owning a newborn. And I’ve gone through it three times. The lack of sleep, the anxiety that you’re going to harm your baby (and that anyone has been stupid enough to leave this tiny human in your care), the complete lack of knowledge about what you’re doing. You’re mourning the loss of the woman you were before – and that’s ok to do. I don’t think anyone takes to motherhood easily. It’s a short, sharp shock to the system and this memoir brought it all rushing back. Every last sleepless night and sobbing, hormonal mess of it.
Laura’s experiences go beyond this however, with her psychosis leading her to believe that everyone was talking about her, that a giant teddy bear was spying on her. That the world was conspiring to take her baby away from her. A baby she couldn’t bond with. Coupled with intrusive thoughts that told her how awful she was, and convincing her to kill herself. It was heart-breaking to read about, but Laura is brutally honest with every scene she retells, and I found that to be such an incredibly brave thing to do. I felt that she was baring her life story, every awful memory, to a close friend. I felt like I grew to know Laura well, and I desperately wanted her to get better – much like her family do within her memoir. You can see how much they deeply care for Laura, and how desperate they wanted her to recover from her illness.
This was such a traumatic yet refreshing read. So often we see these images of the ‘perfect’ mother on social media, or read articles about what mothers ‘should’ be. It all adds to the guilt of being a parent, of feeling inadequate. Laura’s memoir is a reminder that the road to motherhood is not a smooth one, and takes many diversions, but she has come out of the other side as a stronger person. Her experiences with psychosis have not defined who she is. It’s a story that needs to be more widely heard and talked about – it’s a story that could help so many others suffering from mental illness as it shows the power of acceptance and the road to recovery. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it yet. There were so many moments I could personally relate to (especially with regards to anxiety) and I just want to thank Laura for having the courage to write this, and making me believe in myself and owing my motherhood.
November 6, 2020
I suffered with PND after the birth of my son in 2013. I’ve tried to talk about it openly, and I’ve found comfort in reading novels which focus on PND. However, I’ve discovered that there is a marked difference between reading a novel, in which a fictionalised character suffers, to reading a memoir. I hadn’t appreciated that there would be a difference. I know that those authors have either suffered themselves, or have ensured that they’ve done intensive research before writing their novels. But fictionalisation provides some distance and this was bone achingly raw. I felt every word.
It’s without doubt the book I wished I had back then as a first time Mum. Living in Essex at the time, with my husband working demanding London hours, and my family and friends a three hour car journey away, I was so alone. The only people I knew were the other NCT Mums, all of whom seemed to adapt easily (I later discovered that this wasn’t the case) and were living the new baby dream after their picture perfect births. I, on the other hand had suffered a pretty traumatic premature birth which had resulted in my son suffering an injury to the head as they wrestled him out of me in an emergency situation, and requiring a week in an incubator in the NICU. I couldn’t bond with him and although I said the right things and cared for him as I was expected to, I didn’t feel anything for him and I despised myself so intensely, that I think, even to this day, I’ve never really gotten over that feeling of self loathing.
It took the most incredible of Health Visitors to encourage me to seek help. But even then I didn’t help myself. I always picture the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in my memories when I think of the male counselor I was assigned to. I used to leave his sessions feeling elated that I’d outsmarted him. That I’d led him to believe I was doing ok. I wasn’t. I refused medication and I lied in every session about how I felt. Playing a role. Why – because I was so ashamed. My life was a constant role-play back then. I didn’t tell my family until months later, my friends until, in some cases years later. I had friends who were desperately trying for a baby, and I beat myself up for being so selfish. I had friends who were incredible parents and so I beat myself up for not being more like them. Hating myself became as normal as breathing.
Even now, there’s a residual guilt that nags at me. As I said, I try and be open now and I’m a huge advocate of normalising the realities of motherhood, in fact, it was my experience that first propelled me to go back to university and get my MA. I wanted to write about something that mattered to me. I wanted to help other women, other mothers. This is the book I wish I had written, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t think I could have written it, just because it has made me realise how, over time, I’ve made my experience fit into a narrative that suits. When I find myself talking about it, I always say that I had PND ‘mildly’. It’s a lie that I almost believed until I read this. How many of Laura’s experiences brought back memories that I had tucked away? How many times did I read and gasp, because I had cut away how I felt at a certain time. I’ve made my experience more palatable for human consumption and it’s only now that I realise how in trying to talk about it in this way, I’m actually part of the problem. I’ve reduced what I lived through in order to make others, and myself feel more comfortable.
And so, I applaud, cheer and throw every virtual hug and kiss I can towards Laura Dockrill, because I can appreciate just how hard this must have been to write. And yet, throughout it’s hypnotic to read. She’s warm, witty and just exactly the kind of woman you wished was your friend. She never feels sorry for herself, she owns what happened to her and is so courageous in speaking out about it.
Although a tough read emotionally, it’s been an incredibly cathartic read – more so than I think any other book I’ve ever read. It’s helped me realise that I still have so many unresolved emotions and I could benefit from speaking to someone. Most importantly, it’s provided me with a feeling of solidarity and unity. I’ve felt so long feeling alone, that to put a face, a name and an entire memoir to another mother who went through something so terrible at a time which is sold to us as being ‘joyous’, is weirdly comforting.
And of course, the author suffered with Post-Partum Psychosis, an illness so severe that it is classed as a medical emergency. The clarity with which she describes her emotions at the height of this illness astounded me. Her recovery process was particularly interesting and I really took heart from it.
I bought a ton of books when I was pregnant which preached at me how to be a good mother. They instructed on breastfeeding, bottle feeding, naps, sleep routines, swaddling (or not to swaddle), bathing, massaging. I’ve learned that not one of these books was in any way, shape or form any use to me as a new parent. They made me anxious (even more so), they made me feel inadequate and they made me feel as if I was getting motherhood so screamingly wrong that my son was bound to grow up to be the twenty first century’s answer to Jack the Ripper. If I could go back in time, I’d burn every single one of those books, and replace them with this one. This is the single most important book about being a mother I’ve ever read. Non-judgmental and most importantly, not in the slightest annoying. It’s just one mother talking to countless others and saying that it’s ok not to be ok, and that in fact, the bloom of new motherhood is actually, in most cases, a stinking lie.
A book I recommend to all women (and their partners). I loved this book harder than I could ever convey with mere words. Thank you Laura for sharing your story.
It’s without doubt the book I wished I had back then as a first time Mum. Living in Essex at the time, with my husband working demanding London hours, and my family and friends a three hour car journey away, I was so alone. The only people I knew were the other NCT Mums, all of whom seemed to adapt easily (I later discovered that this wasn’t the case) and were living the new baby dream after their picture perfect births. I, on the other hand had suffered a pretty traumatic premature birth which had resulted in my son suffering an injury to the head as they wrestled him out of me in an emergency situation, and requiring a week in an incubator in the NICU. I couldn’t bond with him and although I said the right things and cared for him as I was expected to, I didn’t feel anything for him and I despised myself so intensely, that I think, even to this day, I’ve never really gotten over that feeling of self loathing.
It took the most incredible of Health Visitors to encourage me to seek help. But even then I didn’t help myself. I always picture the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in my memories when I think of the male counselor I was assigned to. I used to leave his sessions feeling elated that I’d outsmarted him. That I’d led him to believe I was doing ok. I wasn’t. I refused medication and I lied in every session about how I felt. Playing a role. Why – because I was so ashamed. My life was a constant role-play back then. I didn’t tell my family until months later, my friends until, in some cases years later. I had friends who were desperately trying for a baby, and I beat myself up for being so selfish. I had friends who were incredible parents and so I beat myself up for not being more like them. Hating myself became as normal as breathing.
Even now, there’s a residual guilt that nags at me. As I said, I try and be open now and I’m a huge advocate of normalising the realities of motherhood, in fact, it was my experience that first propelled me to go back to university and get my MA. I wanted to write about something that mattered to me. I wanted to help other women, other mothers. This is the book I wish I had written, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t think I could have written it, just because it has made me realise how, over time, I’ve made my experience fit into a narrative that suits. When I find myself talking about it, I always say that I had PND ‘mildly’. It’s a lie that I almost believed until I read this. How many of Laura’s experiences brought back memories that I had tucked away? How many times did I read and gasp, because I had cut away how I felt at a certain time. I’ve made my experience more palatable for human consumption and it’s only now that I realise how in trying to talk about it in this way, I’m actually part of the problem. I’ve reduced what I lived through in order to make others, and myself feel more comfortable.
And so, I applaud, cheer and throw every virtual hug and kiss I can towards Laura Dockrill, because I can appreciate just how hard this must have been to write. And yet, throughout it’s hypnotic to read. She’s warm, witty and just exactly the kind of woman you wished was your friend. She never feels sorry for herself, she owns what happened to her and is so courageous in speaking out about it.
Although a tough read emotionally, it’s been an incredibly cathartic read – more so than I think any other book I’ve ever read. It’s helped me realise that I still have so many unresolved emotions and I could benefit from speaking to someone. Most importantly, it’s provided me with a feeling of solidarity and unity. I’ve felt so long feeling alone, that to put a face, a name and an entire memoir to another mother who went through something so terrible at a time which is sold to us as being ‘joyous’, is weirdly comforting.
And of course, the author suffered with Post-Partum Psychosis, an illness so severe that it is classed as a medical emergency. The clarity with which she describes her emotions at the height of this illness astounded me. Her recovery process was particularly interesting and I really took heart from it.
I bought a ton of books when I was pregnant which preached at me how to be a good mother. They instructed on breastfeeding, bottle feeding, naps, sleep routines, swaddling (or not to swaddle), bathing, massaging. I’ve learned that not one of these books was in any way, shape or form any use to me as a new parent. They made me anxious (even more so), they made me feel inadequate and they made me feel as if I was getting motherhood so screamingly wrong that my son was bound to grow up to be the twenty first century’s answer to Jack the Ripper. If I could go back in time, I’d burn every single one of those books, and replace them with this one. This is the single most important book about being a mother I’ve ever read. Non-judgmental and most importantly, not in the slightest annoying. It’s just one mother talking to countless others and saying that it’s ok not to be ok, and that in fact, the bloom of new motherhood is actually, in most cases, a stinking lie.
A book I recommend to all women (and their partners). I loved this book harder than I could ever convey with mere words. Thank you Laura for sharing your story.
November 16, 2020
(3.5) Dockrill is a British children’s author. Her style reminded me of others of her contemporaries who do a good line in light, witty, warts-and-all, here’s-what-it’s-really-like-to-be-a-woman books: Dolly Alderton, Caitlin Moran and the like. From a labor that quickly deviated from her birth plan due to an emergency Caesarean to the usual post-baby blues to full-blown psychosis, Dockrill recreates her experience with fluid dialogue and italicized passages of her paranoid imaginings. Her memoir resembles Catherine Cho’s Inferno (reviewed with this, plus one other memoir of postpartum depression, on my blog) in its broad strokes but also in certain particulars, like imagining surveillance cameras and hearing a voice in her head telling her she is a bad mum. I skimmed this one because of a library deadline and because of an overload on similar content. I had a greater affinity for Cho’s literary style compared to the more between-girlfriends, self-help bent of this memoir. With the glossary and resources at the end, though, I’d say this one would be more useful for someone going through the same thing.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
June 1, 2020
A searingly honest and brave account of trauma, resilience and recovery. This was very difficult to read at times, but Dockrill’s graphic and unflinching candour is valuable and necessary.
June 19, 2020
The best book I have read this year.
So honest, raw, inspiring, insightful and brave. A book everyone needs to read.
So honest, raw, inspiring, insightful and brave. A book everyone needs to read.
July 6, 2020
A few years ago, I attended a course where Laura Dockrill was a guest speaker; promoting her children's book - Darcy Burdock. Playing to a room full of jaded teachers, prepped on reheated morning pastries and instant coffee, we eyed her suspiciously. Who was this whirling dervish of electric blue eyeliner, pink lipstick, waving arms and energy? None of us had signed up for some 20-something drama student to come and 'do-a-turn' in these precious (school-funded) hours away from the classroom.
And then, before my very eyes, the mood changed. Charming, vibrant, loveable and so so honest, Laura Dockrill, singlehandedly, transformed the room and the energy within.
So, to read this latest contribution to the shelves of all good bookstores, was at once an honour and a heart-break; I can only imagine what that experience must have been like for her husband, family and friends so accustomed to the magnetic colourful chaos she spreads like unicorn poo as she floats through a room.
Not 4 weeks after the birth of her son, Laura is cruelly felled by post-partum psychosis and 'What Have I Done?' is a raw and brutally honest, 'not-for-the-faint-hearted' account of her clawing back to the new reality that motherhood presents.
In recognising that this 'maternal mountain' is a significant map-marker in any woman's life, whether blighted by mental illness or not, gathers us all towards her in a sweeping embrace; "Many mums feel they pushed their personalities out of their bodies along with their baby, they feel lost, and are trying to somehow put their old selves back together.'
And it is not only Laura's honesty that's magnetic: it's the humour; the painful tear-stained guffaw; the heart-in-my-mouth, difficult-to-swallow, eye-stinging grimace that caused me to plough through the pages without coming up for air. Be it as they await Jet's birth; "I felt like 'baby' couldn't be further from budging. It was like he'd been sucked up the chute of my body like a tiny Augustus Gloop in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' or, chimpanzee-like, he was hiding high up in the lofty reaches of my rib-cage, legs clinging to my organs." or the stark heart-wringing acknowledgement in lists of things she feared prior to Jet's birth, including,"roads that wrap around mountains, The dark, Sleeping on my own, Streatham. Touching chalk with my nails or teeth...People not liking me for no reason. Being left out."
The book opens with endorsements from various medical experts and fellow post-partum survivors. Fiona Tel writes that Laura "at times is so colloquial that we feel we know her, or we want to know her: for her bravery in writing this book, for her humanity, for her sisterhood." Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. Dr Jessica Heron adds that "this book has so much to offer to anyone who reads it, whether they be a pregnant woman, new mother, partner, midwife, or someone recovering from mental illness." Again yes, though I would probably just edit that note to say; "this book has so much to offer to anyone".
A final note: At the end of her presentation, Laura revealed that one enamoured child had invited her to her next sleep-over; she regularly wrote personal replies to inquisitive young-writers and was presently working her way through as many titles from classic fiction as she could pull from the shelves. As Laura signed a copy of 'Darcy Burdock' for my book-worm daughter, I both invited her to MY next sleep-over and suggested she read the incomparable 'Anne of Green Gables'. Suffice to say, she is still more than welcome and I have a copy here you can borrow Laura, in case you haven't managed to lay your hands on one yet. :)
My thanks to netgalley, the publisher and Laura Dockrill for sharing an advance copy of this book with me in return for my honest opinion.
And then, before my very eyes, the mood changed. Charming, vibrant, loveable and so so honest, Laura Dockrill, singlehandedly, transformed the room and the energy within.
So, to read this latest contribution to the shelves of all good bookstores, was at once an honour and a heart-break; I can only imagine what that experience must have been like for her husband, family and friends so accustomed to the magnetic colourful chaos she spreads like unicorn poo as she floats through a room.
Not 4 weeks after the birth of her son, Laura is cruelly felled by post-partum psychosis and 'What Have I Done?' is a raw and brutally honest, 'not-for-the-faint-hearted' account of her clawing back to the new reality that motherhood presents.
In recognising that this 'maternal mountain' is a significant map-marker in any woman's life, whether blighted by mental illness or not, gathers us all towards her in a sweeping embrace; "Many mums feel they pushed their personalities out of their bodies along with their baby, they feel lost, and are trying to somehow put their old selves back together.'
And it is not only Laura's honesty that's magnetic: it's the humour; the painful tear-stained guffaw; the heart-in-my-mouth, difficult-to-swallow, eye-stinging grimace that caused me to plough through the pages without coming up for air. Be it as they await Jet's birth; "I felt like 'baby' couldn't be further from budging. It was like he'd been sucked up the chute of my body like a tiny Augustus Gloop in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' or, chimpanzee-like, he was hiding high up in the lofty reaches of my rib-cage, legs clinging to my organs." or the stark heart-wringing acknowledgement in lists of things she feared prior to Jet's birth, including,"roads that wrap around mountains, The dark, Sleeping on my own, Streatham. Touching chalk with my nails or teeth...People not liking me for no reason. Being left out."
The book opens with endorsements from various medical experts and fellow post-partum survivors. Fiona Tel writes that Laura "at times is so colloquial that we feel we know her, or we want to know her: for her bravery in writing this book, for her humanity, for her sisterhood." Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. Dr Jessica Heron adds that "this book has so much to offer to anyone who reads it, whether they be a pregnant woman, new mother, partner, midwife, or someone recovering from mental illness." Again yes, though I would probably just edit that note to say; "this book has so much to offer to anyone".
A final note: At the end of her presentation, Laura revealed that one enamoured child had invited her to her next sleep-over; she regularly wrote personal replies to inquisitive young-writers and was presently working her way through as many titles from classic fiction as she could pull from the shelves. As Laura signed a copy of 'Darcy Burdock' for my book-worm daughter, I both invited her to MY next sleep-over and suggested she read the incomparable 'Anne of Green Gables'. Suffice to say, she is still more than welcome and I have a copy here you can borrow Laura, in case you haven't managed to lay your hands on one yet. :)
My thanks to netgalley, the publisher and Laura Dockrill for sharing an advance copy of this book with me in return for my honest opinion.
May 6, 2020
I feel very lucky to have been able to listen to this book on audio. I pre-ordered the audiobook of this memoir because I knew I wanted to read it in Laura’s own words and having her tell me her story herself was truly a powerful experience. It's definitely the best audiobook experience I have had in a long time.
This book is raw and open and honest and tough to read at points but it is so necessary and I am in awe of Laura Dockrill for sharing this story with us. I feel like not enough people talk about the mental health surrounding new mothers. People talk about baby blues and that is generally dismissed and yet there is such a need for this to be taken more seriously and for people to speak up about their experiences because this is such an important time in the lives of any family.
There are definitely moments in this book that could be triggering for anyone who has been through childbirth, new mothers or anyone who has struggled with mental health in any way so do exercise care when picking this book up. If you are able to though, i highly recommend giving this a read because I learned so much about the way mental health is viewed in new mothers, the way the health service in England deals with concerns of a new or expectant mother as well as very personal thoughts and feelings from this writer during her period of recovery.
It almost feels wrong to be ‘reviewing’ this book because this is someone’s personal experience and therefore is valid in every possible way. So this review is basically me recommending this read to anyone who feels able to pick it up. It is an incredibly powerful read and I am sure it will be helpful and definitely a source of comfort to a great many people.
This book is raw and open and honest and tough to read at points but it is so necessary and I am in awe of Laura Dockrill for sharing this story with us. I feel like not enough people talk about the mental health surrounding new mothers. People talk about baby blues and that is generally dismissed and yet there is such a need for this to be taken more seriously and for people to speak up about their experiences because this is such an important time in the lives of any family.
There are definitely moments in this book that could be triggering for anyone who has been through childbirth, new mothers or anyone who has struggled with mental health in any way so do exercise care when picking this book up. If you are able to though, i highly recommend giving this a read because I learned so much about the way mental health is viewed in new mothers, the way the health service in England deals with concerns of a new or expectant mother as well as very personal thoughts and feelings from this writer during her period of recovery.
It almost feels wrong to be ‘reviewing’ this book because this is someone’s personal experience and therefore is valid in every possible way. So this review is basically me recommending this read to anyone who feels able to pick it up. It is an incredibly powerful read and I am sure it will be helpful and definitely a source of comfort to a great many people.
May 17, 2020
This book is about postpartum psychosis, which is related to postpartum depression, but even if you have not suffered from it, the book is very relatable to anyone who has had mental health issues or knows someone that has.
The way she narrates, how she explains how her brain was processing everything that was happening after such a frightening birth, made her reactions and fears make sense, even during the darkest moments of her journey. I appreciated the fact that she says that one of the main things leading ultimately to her recovery was reading books about other people's experiences with mental health, as I find myself reading very therapeutical. Loved her family and partner and how much support they all gave to her. I also appreciated the practical advice as well, especially at the end of the book.
Highly recommend this book, especially during Mental Health Awareness month!
The way she narrates, how she explains how her brain was processing everything that was happening after such a frightening birth, made her reactions and fears make sense, even during the darkest moments of her journey. I appreciated the fact that she says that one of the main things leading ultimately to her recovery was reading books about other people's experiences with mental health, as I find myself reading very therapeutical. Loved her family and partner and how much support they all gave to her. I also appreciated the practical advice as well, especially at the end of the book.
Highly recommend this book, especially during Mental Health Awareness month!
July 4, 2021
An incredibly powerful, honest, terrifying ,moving and at times somehow funny book about Laura's experience of post partum psychosis . Highly recommended and I thoroughly admire her for writing it.
February 16, 2024
So sad, honest and raw but still filled to the brim with humour. I'm in awe of anybody who shares vulnerable parts of their lives in beautifully written prose.
May 27, 2025
Very brave and powerful, I also learned a lot about the subject, would highly recommend to anyone!
August 27, 2025
I absolutely devoured this book in one sitting. Cried multiple times. So raw, and emotional. And definitely needed, postpartum psychosis is only something I discovered existed after a frantic 2am google search ‘hearing voices after having a baby’ 3 years ago.
Thankyou to the author for sharing their story.
Thankyou to the author for sharing their story.
May 4, 2020
I’m in awe of Laura and this masterpiece of a memoir. Laura is the definition of authentic. This book is so raw, truthful, terrifying, and powerful. Laura says that writing this book helped save her life and I’ve no doubt that this book will save many others.
I’m so glad I listened to the audiobook version and heard her story exactly as she intended to tell it. Like most people, I’d never heard of postpartum psychosis before until I read Laura’s blog post that went viral a couple of years ago. The illness is still so misunderstood and not a great deal is known about whether it has a cause but since reading Laura’s book I now understand what can happen and how I could potentially help someone or recognise symptoms in myself.
The book is scary to read but it is also hopeful. Laura was seriously ill but she got better. I feel very emotional having finished it!
Not only does Laura have an important story to tell but she’s an amazing writer with such a unique voice. It’s hard to imagine that she actually wrote this on her phone whilst recovering from a near-death experience and taking care of a newborn baby. HERO! Congratulations Laura on an amazing book and thank you for sharing your story with the world. Even the parts that were extremely hard for you to remember let alone write down. You are making a massive mark on the world. When Jet is old enough to read this he will be so ridiculously proud.
I’m so glad I listened to the audiobook version and heard her story exactly as she intended to tell it. Like most people, I’d never heard of postpartum psychosis before until I read Laura’s blog post that went viral a couple of years ago. The illness is still so misunderstood and not a great deal is known about whether it has a cause but since reading Laura’s book I now understand what can happen and how I could potentially help someone or recognise symptoms in myself.
The book is scary to read but it is also hopeful. Laura was seriously ill but she got better. I feel very emotional having finished it!
Not only does Laura have an important story to tell but she’s an amazing writer with such a unique voice. It’s hard to imagine that she actually wrote this on her phone whilst recovering from a near-death experience and taking care of a newborn baby. HERO! Congratulations Laura on an amazing book and thank you for sharing your story with the world. Even the parts that were extremely hard for you to remember let alone write down. You are making a massive mark on the world. When Jet is old enough to read this he will be so ridiculously proud.
April 18, 2021
This is such a powerful memoir that at times it felt I was inside the head of the author as she spirals out of control. She paints a very honest picture of what post partum psychosis looks like and so many times I wanted to dive into the pages and hold her. She is hospitalised when her newborn baby Jet, is just a little over three weeks old.
What shone through was the love from her family, friends and partner Hugo. I was so grateful she was surrounded by so much love and grateful for Hugo. He's a keeper!
It was so profoundly written, I know this book will stay with me for a long time.
"As the comic and activist Hannah Gadsby said, ‘There’s nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself.’ I’ve proven to myself that I am the strong and ferocious brave woman I always wanted to be"
What shone through was the love from her family, friends and partner Hugo. I was so grateful she was surrounded by so much love and grateful for Hugo. He's a keeper!
It was so profoundly written, I know this book will stay with me for a long time.
"As the comic and activist Hannah Gadsby said, ‘There’s nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself.’ I’ve proven to myself that I am the strong and ferocious brave woman I always wanted to be"
April 27, 2020
This was a tough book to read. The author gives an honest and brutal account of her battle with postpartum psychosis, which hit her like a tsunami following the birth of her son, Jet. My heart went out to her, her husband, her son and her wider family who absolutely stood by her with unstinting love and support. It was a real eye opener. I didn't even realise postpartum psychosis existed. How any woman goes through this and then goes on to have other children is beyond me. Women such as Laura Dockrill are lionesses. Thank you, Laura for your story.
January 24, 2021
After an uneventful pregnancy, Laura's labour and birth were not as she had envisaged and she was left shell-shocked and incredibly sleep deprived. Even in this postnatal fog, Laura and those around her started to observe very out-of-character behaviour which was more worrying than the baby blues and which could not even be explained as postnatal depression. What followed was the rapid onset of a mental health crisis which saw Laura becoming so unwell she had to be hospitalised.
This deep dive into postnatal psychosis is harrowing and unnerving. Dockrill is searingly honest about her experience, and at times I had to come up for air. As someone who also has mental health issues, I felt how thin the line can often be between good and ill health. Laura's retelling of her time in psychosis and treatment felt almost touchable, and so this was not always a comfortable read. However, she also holds your hand as you walk with her through her memories, reassuring you of her recovery and the light that does exist at the end of the tunnel for any woman going through a similar experience. She is funny and has such a warmth to her writing, that it is almost as if you're sitting with her in her living room, sipping coffee as she talks directly to you.
It's a rough ride, but a vitally important story to be shared.
I was sent a Netgalley of this title from Random House UK in return for a review. All opinions are my own.
This deep dive into postnatal psychosis is harrowing and unnerving. Dockrill is searingly honest about her experience, and at times I had to come up for air. As someone who also has mental health issues, I felt how thin the line can often be between good and ill health. Laura's retelling of her time in psychosis and treatment felt almost touchable, and so this was not always a comfortable read. However, she also holds your hand as you walk with her through her memories, reassuring you of her recovery and the light that does exist at the end of the tunnel for any woman going through a similar experience. She is funny and has such a warmth to her writing, that it is almost as if you're sitting with her in her living room, sipping coffee as she talks directly to you.
It's a rough ride, but a vitally important story to be shared.
I was sent a Netgalley of this title from Random House UK in return for a review. All opinions are my own.
January 28, 2021
When I first started reading this I found Laura's writing style really jarring and I couldn't get into it. I was thinking this really isn't the book for me. But I persevered and ended up devouring this in 2 sittings. Wow, I am so glad I read this. It is something that I do not relate to at all! But that didn't impact my enjoyment of the book whatsoever. It is so raw, so vivid, and such an honest portrayal of a traumatic labour and postpartum psychosis. Something I knew nothing about! I knew you could get post-natal depression but I didn't realise postpartum psychosis was also a condition. At times this was really hard to read and it also made me cry. I really appreciate that Laura wrote it and it was a really eye-opening read.
July 6, 2025
I listened to this as an audiobook read by the author herself.
This is such an important book.
There is still so much stigma and shame attached around mental health, but maternal mental health, when dealing with a new baby, physical and mental changes to your body, the internal and external societal expectations, the shoulds, the mum guilt. It's alot anyway, then adding on PND and psychosis it's terrifying to be in that place. There is not enough talk about this which adds to the cycle of shame and people accessing the right help. It also highlights how many times you have to try and get help which is wrong but sadly a reflection of how stretched the NHS is.
I burst into tears several times while listening to this. I desperately wanted to give the author a hug, it caused such a strong emotive reaction in me.
This is a very honest, raw, and brave account of Laura's experience of PND and maternal psychosis and while it is sad and upsetting it is hopeful too.
This is such an important book.
There is still so much stigma and shame attached around mental health, but maternal mental health, when dealing with a new baby, physical and mental changes to your body, the internal and external societal expectations, the shoulds, the mum guilt. It's alot anyway, then adding on PND and psychosis it's terrifying to be in that place. There is not enough talk about this which adds to the cycle of shame and people accessing the right help. It also highlights how many times you have to try and get help which is wrong but sadly a reflection of how stretched the NHS is.
I burst into tears several times while listening to this. I desperately wanted to give the author a hug, it caused such a strong emotive reaction in me.
This is a very honest, raw, and brave account of Laura's experience of PND and maternal psychosis and while it is sad and upsetting it is hopeful too.
December 6, 2020
A fascinating first person account of Post Partum Depression and Psychosis.
I listened to the audiobook which is an amazing experience. Laura Dockrill's performance really adds to the work. You hear her pressured speech, her emotion all the more in her voice.
The last section is a guide to helping yourself, helping others through anxiety, depression and psychosis. And a great A-Z guide to Self Care. Fabulous advice, there's a whole lot of wisdom there.
I listened to the audiobook which is an amazing experience. Laura Dockrill's performance really adds to the work. You hear her pressured speech, her emotion all the more in her voice.
The last section is a guide to helping yourself, helping others through anxiety, depression and psychosis. And a great A-Z guide to Self Care. Fabulous advice, there's a whole lot of wisdom there.
September 13, 2021
Wow. Loved the honesty and the tenderness in this book. Really moved and it also really helped me.
December 12, 2021
Every book I read about women having a hard time after having a baby makes me feel better - not because they had a hard time but that so many of us do.
January 2, 2022
i really enjoyed this. the writing is so conversational and chatty so i felt like i was talking with a friend, and i learned so much about post natal mental illness. not my usual kind of book but i’m so glad i read it.
June 14, 2020
This is best selling author Laura Dockrill’s story of her experience with postpartum psychosis and I’m so glad to be able to share this review during Mental Health Awareness Week.
After having a normal pregnancy, Laura and her partner Hugo were excited to meet their new baby, a boy they named Jet. But after a traumatic birth in February 2018 when Jet was delivered by emergency caesarean section, Laura began to suffer from anxiety. She was worried about Jet, she couldn’t sleep and she took a long time to physically recover from the birth. These experiences are not unusual in a new mum and are often referred to as the baby blues. But for Laura, these feelings escalated scarily quickly into post-partum psychosis. Within a matter of days, Laura was suffering from paranoia, hallucinations, delusions and suicidal thoughts.
When Jet was just three weeks old, on Mother’s Day, Laura was institutionalised.
I saw Amanda from Bookish Chat and Clare from Years of Reading Selfishly shouting about this book on Twitter about what a powerful read it was and I wanted to read it right away! But I knew if I bought a physical copy it, it would sit on my shelf for months before I got round to reading it. So I decided instead to listen to the audio version which is narrated by Laura herself, and I think it was an even more powerful story because of it.
Laura’s narration is wonderful – how she is able to read out some of the experiences she went through astonished me and it is heart wrenchingly honest. She is a remarkable woman – so very brave to talk about her experiences. There is no sugar coating – the truth about postpartum psychosis is brutal and shocking. Laura details how she felt about her partner and her family, whom were all very supportive, but whom she thought were conspiring against her. She talks about how she was convinced a giant teddy bear that had been gifted to Jet was spying on her. How she was convinced her father in law was trying to hypnotise her. About her distrust of the doctors and health visitors she saw in the lead up to her stay in the psychiatric hospital. She talks in much distressing detail about how she planned her suicide, all with seemingly matter of fact planning.
Such an amazing story, it is nonetheless distressing to hear about how what should of been a joyous occasion turned into a nightmare for her and her family. To be able to share her story and her recovery with the world is a remarkable achievement.
After having a normal pregnancy, Laura and her partner Hugo were excited to meet their new baby, a boy they named Jet. But after a traumatic birth in February 2018 when Jet was delivered by emergency caesarean section, Laura began to suffer from anxiety. She was worried about Jet, she couldn’t sleep and she took a long time to physically recover from the birth. These experiences are not unusual in a new mum and are often referred to as the baby blues. But for Laura, these feelings escalated scarily quickly into post-partum psychosis. Within a matter of days, Laura was suffering from paranoia, hallucinations, delusions and suicidal thoughts.
When Jet was just three weeks old, on Mother’s Day, Laura was institutionalised.
I saw Amanda from Bookish Chat and Clare from Years of Reading Selfishly shouting about this book on Twitter about what a powerful read it was and I wanted to read it right away! But I knew if I bought a physical copy it, it would sit on my shelf for months before I got round to reading it. So I decided instead to listen to the audio version which is narrated by Laura herself, and I think it was an even more powerful story because of it.
Laura’s narration is wonderful – how she is able to read out some of the experiences she went through astonished me and it is heart wrenchingly honest. She is a remarkable woman – so very brave to talk about her experiences. There is no sugar coating – the truth about postpartum psychosis is brutal and shocking. Laura details how she felt about her partner and her family, whom were all very supportive, but whom she thought were conspiring against her. She talks about how she was convinced a giant teddy bear that had been gifted to Jet was spying on her. How she was convinced her father in law was trying to hypnotise her. About her distrust of the doctors and health visitors she saw in the lead up to her stay in the psychiatric hospital. She talks in much distressing detail about how she planned her suicide, all with seemingly matter of fact planning.
Such an amazing story, it is nonetheless distressing to hear about how what should of been a joyous occasion turned into a nightmare for her and her family. To be able to share her story and her recovery with the world is a remarkable achievement.
June 15, 2021
I’ve not read anything as true and as insightful as this since giving birth 8 months ago. The experience of childbirth, which I retrospectively view as a trauma - both for the baby and for the mother - is so often trivialised, with ‘you must be the happiest you’ve ever been’ and ‘is this the nicest time in your life?’ type comments. And this is not entirely benign, as this idealised notion of what it’s like to be a new mom makes actual new moms feel even weirder and more alone, if they’re experiencing difficulties. We need many, many more books like this, and a major shift in culture when it comes to how we treat the postpartum period.
October 22, 2021
The best book I’ve read all year (well listened to). Laura gives an honest, heartbreaking and heartwarming memoir of her experiences with postnatal mental illness. She shares her journey without sugar coating the pain and trauma of PND/PNP whilst still be funny! As a Perinatal Mental Health practitioner in the NHS I will be sharing this with my ladies who have had similar journeys to help make sense of their illness’ and see that recovery really is possible!
January 3, 2020
An incredibly important book; one which I feel everyone should read. I had no idea about the existence of post partum psychosis until Laura’s essay last year, and was incredibly interested to learn more about it. I’m so grateful to Laura for writing this gut-kicker of a book and hopefully educating many more people about this horrible, horrible illness.
June 6, 2024
Intense, raw, moving, important.
September 26, 2024
A beautifully honest memoir of postnatal depression and postnatal psychosis. I applaud Laura for telling her story so bravely.
June 12, 2023
Abridged version of some of my critiques of this book (note: I enjoyed my experience of reading it - all in one sitting - and do think it holds valuable insight into the experience of someone with post-partum psychosis):
-There were some stereotypes/straight up blunders around the topic of mental health in a general sense that stood out in what was otherwise a personal account (for example saying someone “is” bipolar rather than “has”)
-Sometimes I think people say mental illness is invisible because then they don’t have to look at it (or go to the effort of recognising it)
-The blanket praise of the institution she stayed in rubbed me the wrong way; the fact that we “need” places like that is, to me, a disgusting indictment of the lack of understanding of differing brains in a capitalist-driven, hyper-independent, empathy-lacking western society
-“How people live with this illness for long periods of time, I will never know.” - about depression. And that’s the crux of my critique. The author is writing from the perspective of the UK’s Ideal Mental Illness Patient: someone who experiences acute mental suffering and is largely aided by medication and a course of CBT. Someone who never has to reckon with the fact that the way the world and the mental health services in this country are set up just isn’t for you. I don’t think this book would be comforting to those experiencing more long-term mental health or trauma issues.
That’s not to say it isn’t helpful: it is a book for the masses, a book to placate the call for mentally ill voices in media without shaking the table or questioning anything that could dismantle this neat little illusion that nothing needs changing on a structural level. Which is to say, maybe I’m done with mental health books/memoirs that don’t acknowledge the wider connectivity of it all. Maybe I’m just looking for something a bit more radical.
-There were some stereotypes/straight up blunders around the topic of mental health in a general sense that stood out in what was otherwise a personal account (for example saying someone “is” bipolar rather than “has”)
-Sometimes I think people say mental illness is invisible because then they don’t have to look at it (or go to the effort of recognising it)
-The blanket praise of the institution she stayed in rubbed me the wrong way; the fact that we “need” places like that is, to me, a disgusting indictment of the lack of understanding of differing brains in a capitalist-driven, hyper-independent, empathy-lacking western society
-“How people live with this illness for long periods of time, I will never know.” - about depression. And that’s the crux of my critique. The author is writing from the perspective of the UK’s Ideal Mental Illness Patient: someone who experiences acute mental suffering and is largely aided by medication and a course of CBT. Someone who never has to reckon with the fact that the way the world and the mental health services in this country are set up just isn’t for you. I don’t think this book would be comforting to those experiencing more long-term mental health or trauma issues.
That’s not to say it isn’t helpful: it is a book for the masses, a book to placate the call for mentally ill voices in media without shaking the table or questioning anything that could dismantle this neat little illusion that nothing needs changing on a structural level. Which is to say, maybe I’m done with mental health books/memoirs that don’t acknowledge the wider connectivity of it all. Maybe I’m just looking for something a bit more radical.
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