怎麼愛

Mindfulness Essentials #3

by Thich Nhat Hanh, 吳茵茵 (Translator)

我們彼此傾聽， 
為彼此而在。 
【跟一行禪師過日常】 
怎麼愛 

◆忙碌的現代人往往忘記日常生活中行、住、坐、臥是什麼滋味。本系列用不囉唆卻發人深省的簡短段落，讓人在紛擾世界中，隨時隨地，念念清明。全套5冊，完整收集，體會一行禪師的日常禪法。 

◆一行禪師的方法非常直觀，從聆聽、感受下手，講的是一般人都能體會、理解的方法。尤其是被忙碌生活節奏拉著走的都市人，更能在一切回歸簡單的過程中，找到自己，碰觸生命的肌理，實實在在感受生活的喜悅。 

◆繁體中文版佐以台灣知名插畫家王春子的作品，陪伴你重新體驗「愛」的單純與美好。 
*** 

本書從禪法的角度重新定義什麼是愛，萃取人類最強烈情感的成分。一行禪師以一貫清晰的理路、慈悲的感染力及幽默感，分享了戀愛、親密關係、孩子與家庭、迷戀等許多層面的智慧訣竅，也提供獨自練習或與伴侶一同練習的禪觀方式，幫助你擴展愛的能力。知道如何滋養愛，人際關係的許多關卡也就迎刃而解。 

《怎麼愛》是【跟一行禪師過日常】系列的第三本，提供簡單明瞭的指導，任何想要探索正念禪修的人都能深受啟發。書末「增長真愛的練習」列出實際可行的步驟，讓你感受何謂「為彼此而在&

Genres: Nonfiction, Philosophy, Self Help, Spirituality, Buddhism, Love, Relationships

105 pages, Kindle Edition

First published December 22, 2014

About the author

Thích Nhất Hạnh was a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, teacher, author, poet and peace activist who then lived in southwest France where he was in exile for many years. Born Nguyễn Xuân Bảo, Thích Nhất Hạnh joined a Zen (Vietnamese: Thiền) monastery at the age of 16, and studied Buddhism as a novitiate. Upon his ordination as a monk in 1949, he assumed the Dharma name Thích Nhất Hạnh. Thích is an honorary family name used by all Vietnamese monks and nuns, meaning that they are part of the Shakya (Shakyamuni Buddha) clan. He was often considered the most influential living figure in the lineage of Lâm Tế (Vietnamese Rinzai) Thiền, and perhaps also in Zen Buddhism as a whole.

Reviews

[Abbey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can this be required reading for everyone in the world?

[Dr. Appu Sasidharan (Dasfill) · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this third book, the author teaches us the importance of loving ourselves and others. According to him, connecting to people, we love means connecting to the universe.

There are a set of meditations that can be done with our partner to understand more about our love in this book.


My favorite three lines from this book.
“A true partner or friend is one who encourages you to look deep inside yourself for the beauty and love you’ve been seeking.”

“Other people’s actions are the result of their own pain and not the result of any intention to hurt you.”

“The roots of a lasting relationship are mindfulness, deep listening and loving speech, and a strong community to support you.”


This is a must-read book if you are someone newly married or don’t know how to express love.

[♡ Sonja Rosa Lisa ♡ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lieben sollte einfach sein, doch das ist es oft nicht. In diesem Buch gibt es viele wertvolle Tipps und Anregungen. Es geht um Selbstliebe und Selbstfürsorge und um Liebe zum Partner und anderen Menschen und Lebewesen. So kann ein harmonisches L(i)eben gelingen. Es sind sehr schöne Sätze dabei, die einfach guttun. ❤️

[Heidi Wiechert · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thich Nhat Hanh, monk and spiritual leader, has written a short series of books he calls "Mindfulness Essentials." This entry is all about love. You might ask yourself, what could a monk possibly know about love? Turns out, plenty.

Hanh applies the mindfulness techniques he's learned over his lifetime of spiritual practice to the potentially thorny pathways of love, and the result is a gem of a read.

He counsels lovers to bring happiness to each other through being present in the moment and sharing your appreciation with each other. For example, if someone is distracted or worried, Hanh says you should draw their attention to the physical beauty of the world around them. In this way, you anchor the other in the present moment and ease the suffering of their busy mind.

This type of presence is a gift that you can give to anyone at anytime. And it doesn't cost anything.

Hahn describes four defining traits of love as loving-kindness, joy, compassion, and equanimity. Then he examines these traits in detail so readers can ponder the mystery of love and see where, potentially, we may be falling short of these ideals.

He teaches all love begins with self love and walks hand-in-hand with spiritual practice. Through deep listening and the establishment of intimacy, Hahn believes love heals through empathy and "karuna," a term that describes suffering with another and then doing what you can to end that suffering.

In addition, don't take the other person for granted or make assumptions about what they may need. It is only through open communication that, Hahn believes, love lives.

He makes it sound so easy. I wish it was.

Recommended for readers looking to learn about the spiritual side of love in a quick and easy read. Hanh doesn't waste words and I am always in awe of what teachings he has to impart.

[Sunny Yoo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thich Nhat Hanh is so wise and deep. I love how this book is broken down into multiple sections and titles, allowing readers to be mindful of what they are reading. I recommend that you buy a copy instead of borrowing one. This book is easy to navigate through and I am glad because I will be revisiting it often.

Throughout the book, I was forced to reflect about my past relationships and my current relationships, both romantic and non-romantic. I started to realize the mistakes I made. The times I wasn't a good friend and lover. How my actions caused others around me to suffer. If we practice mindfulness and these teachings we can nourish and support others to bloom like flowers.

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a beginner, trying to learn every day how to love a bit better. This book, by a famous Zen master, is a gentle, optimistic guide to the strangeness and the mystery of love, and I recommend it highly.

[Ken]

The biggest of the little books in this 5-part series (gee, I wonder why?), and yet, for me at least, less novel than the first two I read. Not that I've figured it ALL out on my own or that I would put it quite this way ("Tell it slant, like a Buddhist would."), but if you've been married long enough and your marriage is humming along, you get to the point where you've covered as much territory as Lewis and Clark.

One nice point of emphasis is letting go of our infatuations with "self" (would Donald Trump could read!). Hanh uses the metaphor of a flower which, he insists, is not really a flower so much as chemicals, photosynthesis, water, sunlight, carbon dioxide, and oxygen. Point being? We are not so much "self" as surroundings, upbringing, parents, grandparents (etc.), friends, the Earth that nourishes us, the sun that nourishes food that nourishes us, and on and on it goes.

If "self" is seen as an interdependence of beings and entities, it's easier to bridge the concept of strong relationships. Bad news for misanthropes (who are kidding themselves for as long as they can) and hermits, I guess, but good news for the rest of us. Even the so-called "selfish" among us. The "me-first" crowd (and it is a crowd).

The Six Mantras:

1. "I am here for you." True presence, not empty words.

2. "I know you are there, and I am happy." You can say this to the moon, the morning star, the sun, but most importantly someone you love.

3. "I know you are suffering." You can't do #1 very well if you don't master #3, which requires that new definition of self we were talking about.

4. "I am suffering." This followed by the words, "Please help." The obstacle here is a big one. Pride. How many relationships go down in flames (or never even get off the ground) because of pride? It's a powerful thing and catchier than Covid. See the front pages of newspapers, where accounts of those in "power" abound. (Oh, those nasty 'P' words!)

5. "This is a happy moment." No, no. Not when you're finally in Disney World for vacation taking pics for your social media feed (translate: "I'm here and you're not"). This means the simple stuff! If you can't recognize happiness in simplicity, in breathing, in the here and now, in the white pine out back and the upside-down nuthatch circling its bark, in your luck in having the partner you have or the people who care about you, where does that leave you? (I know, I know: Disney World, but Mickey is always so short term.)

6. "You are partly right." Say it when you're congratulated. Say it when you're criticized. Either way, always remember you are a collection of strengths and weaknesses. It'll help you remember others are, too, including your loved ones and those you don't much care for, thank you. Cut them some slack so that they may cut slack unto you. (I think that's a Proverb in the Bible.)

Going into greater detail, Hanh delineates different kinds of love (compassion being a scarce one these days) and has plenty of advice not only for those just embarking on a relationship but those doing the hard work of maintaining one.

In the words of the Prophets (John, Paul, George, and Ringo): "All you need is love." Start with yourself (by respecting your body's physical and mental health) and take if from there.

[K Flewelling · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is difficult to review a book like this. This book is composed of sweet morsels of truth, and statements meant to ponder. It is not something that you need to read quickly -- but I did read it quickly. It brought tears to my eyes, convicted my heart, gave me practical tools and meditations to practice. But that's all it can do. It is up to the reader to be changed. Some of the sections had a powerful impact, others not as much. I imagine if I were to re-read this short book, I would be attracted to different lessons. It is a strange but good thing to feel that you are interacting with a text, not just being told what to do. If you are looking for a meditation on love, I would recommend this for your consideration. If you are struggling to love -- anyone or anything -- this text will challenge you to open your heart, and bring mindfulness to your interactions. Love begins here.

[liv ❁ · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Understanding is the foundation of true love.”

“True love is like the sun, shining with its own light, and offering that light to everyone.”

“The notions and ideas we have about happiness can entrap us. We forget that they are just notions and ideas. Our idea of happiness may be the very thing that prevents us from being happy.”

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward in the same direction. … As a true lover, the direction you look in is peace.”

[Mohsen M.B · Rating 3 out of 5]

با خوندن این کتاب چنان حس روحانی بودن بهم دست داده که می‌تونم رییس‌جمهور بشم :))ـ

در نگاه اول احساس کردم که این هم مثل بقیه‌ی کتاب‌های زرد بازاری درباره‌ی عشقه؛ اما هر چی جلوتر رفت بهتر شد و مشخص بود که پشتوانه‌ای داره، با این حال بعضی‌جاها احساس بدیهی بودن مطالب بهم دست می‌داد که مهم‌ترین دلیلش ساختار کتاب و تبعیت نکردن من از ساختار بود.ـ
این کتابی نیست که آدم بذاره جلوش و تا تهش بخونه؛ باید آروم بخونه، با توجه بخونه و تمرین کنه.ـ
پس این سه ستاره، امتیاز به سراسیمه‌خوندن خودمه نه به کتاب؛ باشد که دگر بار به فرصت خوانیم

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think there was a lot of wisdom in this little book and I got a lot out of it. I have found mindfulness to be a very positive force in my life.
My biggest concern is that the book didn't address clearly when compassion and deep listening cannot change or maintain a relationship if you're with an abusive partner.
I also question Thich Nhat Hanh's stance that crushes and sex without commitment are going to leave you feeling empty and lonely. I think that could be the case but I think lust and sexual expression need not be confined to relationships as long as there is awareness around feeling safe emotionally and physically.

[Bianca · Rating 2 out of 5]

Typical Eastern philosophy. Makes a few good conclusions but the argumentation for them is terrible and unscientific. It kind of relies on the reader just trusting the author that what they say is true and that's that. Couldn't really get into it.

[Paula Cappa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This little book (would make a charming gift) is so clear with thoughts about love and happiness. Example: "If we have happy parents, we have received the richest inheritance of all." I've actually not thought about this idea until I read it on page 106. We do learn happiness or unhappiness from our parents. I felt compelled to take this thought with me for the afternoon and really examine it and personalize it within my life. There are many thoughts like this that stopped me because they ring a bell that I hadn't heard before. Ideas like focusing on your own true presence, deep listening, and nourishing yourself and who you love every day. One mantra he suggests which I found perfect: "You are partly right." Much better alternative than telling someone they are wrong.

[Jae · Rating 5 out of 5]

The last in this series of short books on mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh, and just like the other books in this series it is written with simplicity and elegance. Each chapter is very short, only 1 or 2 pages followed by a small line drawing - easy to digest and meditate upon. A series of little gems.

[Tasnima Oishee · Rating 4 out of 5]

"To love without knowing how to love- wounds the person we love."

এই বইটার খোঁজ পেয়েছিলাম ইউটিউবার সাদমান সাদিকের একটা ভিডিও থেকে, তাও বছর খানেক হয়ে গেলো। বইটার শেষ দশটা পৃষ্ঠা পড়তেই এতোটা সময় লাগলো।
"কিভাবে ভালোবাসতে হবে" এইটা বই পড়ে জানার কি আছে, এই বলে প্রথমেই মুখটা বাকিয়ে নিলে আসলে এই বইটা খুব বেশি কাজে লাগবে না। একটু ওপেন মাইন্ডেড থাকলে হয়তো এখানকার কিছু কথা কাজে লাগলেও লাগতে পারে।
Thich Nhat Hanh নামের এই ভদ্রলোক একজন ভিয়েতনামিজ বৌদ্ধ ভিক্ষু।
প্রথমেই আমাদের হার্ট/হৃদয়কে তুলনা করা হয়েছে একটা নদীর সাথে। এবার সেই নদী যতো বড় হবে, এটার গ্রহণ করার ক্ষমতাও ততো বাড়বে তাই না? একই সাথে হৃদয় যতো ছোটো হবে, তত আমাদের আন্ডারস্ট্যান্ডিং লিমিটেড হয়ে যাবে, আমরাও সাফার করবো বেশি।
ভালোবাসা মানেই হলো আমাদের সুখী হওয়ার মন্ত্রটা শিখে ফেলা কোনো ভাবে। যতক্ষণ পর্যন্ত কেউ নিজে সুখী না হতে পারবে, ততক্ষণ পর্যন্ত সে অন্য কাউকেই সেই হ্যাপিনেস অফার করতে পারবে না।
ভালোবাসা টা কোনো জেলখানা না, বরং সত্যিকারের ভালোবাসা সেটাই, যেটা আমাদেরকে স্পেস দেয়, গ্রো করতে দেয়।
আরেক জায়গায় বলা হচ্ছে- কোনো একটা মানুষের কষ্টটা বোঝাই তাকে দেয়া সর্বশ্রেষ্ঠ উপহার হতে পারে।
শেষ মেশ, ছয়টা মন্ত্র দেয়া হয়েছে।
বইটা আমার বেশ ভালোই লেগেছে পড়তে আসলে। এমন কিছু নেই যেটা আমরা জানি না, কিন্তু রিমাইন্ডার হিসেবে পড়া যায় আরকি। ভালোবাসা কি আর এতোই সহজ? 🥹

[Preethi Krishnan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I keep coming back to this sentence in this beautiful book.

"One of the greatest gifts we can offer people is to embody nonattachment and nonfear. This is a true teaching, more precious than money or material resources. Many of us are very afraid, and this fear distorts our lives and makes us unhappy. We cling to objects and to people like a drowning person clings to a floating log. Practicing to realize nondiscrimination, to see the interconnectedness and impermanence of all things, and to share this wisdom with others, we are giving the gift of nonfear. Everything is impermanent. This moment passes. That person walks away. Happiness is still possible."

[Madelyn Hernández · Rating 5 out of 5]

I need to practice Hugging Meditation.

"When we hug, our hearts connect and we know that we are not separate beings. Hugging with mindfulness and concentration can bring reconciliation, healing, understanding, and much happiness. The practice of mindful hugging has helped so many people to reconcile with each other -fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, friends and friends, and so many others. You may practice hugging meditation with a friend, your daughter, your father, your even with a tree."

[MKF]

Thích Nhât Hahn has written another amazing little book full of wisdom. The small sections are powerful, truthful, and thought provoking.

[Guy Choate · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm a firm believer that the love people share is unique to those people and its parameters can't be generalized. I cringe when someone tells me that because they understand love, they understand the love I have created and share...even if that person is clearly thoughtful and wise in other areas.

[Carolt_reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book for my "reading Lana Condors favourite books" video! check out the video for my live reactions and review! ;)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwgVw...

[Tara · Rating 5 out of 5]

His work is so fundamental for much of my beliefs about how I want to go through this life. A quick wonderful read that maybe if everyone read the world would be better. Love is the foundation of everything, and it is crucial to understand how we can give love and receive love in all its forms. When you understand and love yourself you are able to pass that love on to others. It can be so easy to get caught up in the day to day nonsense of life that we forget about love and kindness. I think with love, kindness, and compassion, we can alleviate our own suffering but also that of each person we encounter. Now more than ever, give this book a read. I will probably re-read this again and again. Words cannot describe how simple yet powerful this book is.

[Pri · Rating 2 out of 5]

Quite reflective, discreet and thoughtful but it’s a beginner’s guide to love. Anyone who reads advanced books about Buddhism and spirituality might find it very repetitive and generic.

[A common reader · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very beautiful what he writes, but not very realistic in my opinion.

[Meg · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sweet, easy read but pretty redundant

[Georgie Laws · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great book. Everyone should read it. Makes me feel like I can be more attentive in my relationships and in my experiences. I appreciate this book a lot and I want to read his other books.

[Loredana (Bookinista08) · Rating 4 out of 5]

O cărticică pe atât de subțire, pe atât de plină de înțelepciune. De fiecare dată când îl citesc pe acest maestru zen, e ca și cum în sfârșit aș bea apă rece după o lungă perioadă petrecută în deșert. Textele lui îmi redau pacea interioară și îmi realimentează speranța în omenire de fiecare dată.
În acest volum este vorba, evident, despre iubire, atât cea de sine, cât și cea față de alți oameni sau chiar partenerul de viață. Majoritatea capitolelor mi-au părut ca un fel de remindere a unor idei de bun simț pe care le știm deja, dar deseori le uităm, în timp ce alte capitole, deși scurte, mi-au creat momente de AHA! și m-au făcut să-mi dau seama cât de mult am crescut eu ca persoană în ultimii doi ani.
Îmi place mult felul simplu, la obiect, dar și profund în care scrie Thich Nhat Hanh, așa că voi continua să mai citesc și alte lucrări de-ale sale.

[Yam Herrera · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amar ante todo es una decisión y una práctica

Este libro aunque breve es útil y profundo, una gran opción para la fortalecer la vida en pareja desde la mirada del maestro Zen Thich Nhat Hanh

[Neeraj Chavan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Stumbled upon this book after I read an excerpt of it in an article written on BrainPicker. This is a beautiful book on how to practise mindfulness in love and the relationships of our life. Also, a short and sweet read!

[Bagus · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was given this book by someone I had a crush on who, like Thich Nhat Hanh, is also Vietnamese. The fact that she gave me this book almost sounds like a witty and funny joke by her. Yet I had to admit, I needed a crash course on how to love. Love has been an endless preoccupation of humans since time immemorial. Even the ancient Roman poet Ovid had written an elegy, the much-read “Ars Amatoria” – the art of love – to show how to find a partner circa 2 AD. Now how to love a person?

Thich Nhat Hanh is mainly known, both in Viet Nam and internationally, as a Zen Buddhist monk and a prolific author. Born almost a century ago in Huề, the last imperial capital of Viet Nam, he had been a teacher of mindfulness. Indeed mindfulness occupies the majority of this short book, bringing into being the need to be mindful of our daily activities and our own selves, prior to engaging with other people, which might hinder our relationships in the process due to unsettled problems inside ourselves. I was particularly impressed by some methods he introduced through this short book, such as mindful breathing and deep listening, some of which might be mainstream knowledge in Buddhism, yet the way Thich Nhat Hanh packaged them in relation to “how to love” is insightful.

Accompanied by various illustrations, each short story tells some simple yet rich wisdom for engaging other people and cultivating healthy relationships. The stories are also in some ways about various methods to help us learn more about ourselves (and other people around us), emphasising that each person contains their own undiscovered oceans. Cognisance of his origin as a Vietnamese, some anecdotes from Thich Nhat Hanh also include some Vietnamese wisdoms on how to build relationships with others, i.e. the way Vietnamese address their partners/spouses as “home” – not only as a person to return to but also as someone to help us find a sense of belonging as we navigate the world we live in.

[Chandan Sinha · Rating 5 out of 5]

If there is one book you would ever read on love and relationship, READ THIS ONE. I cannot stress this enough. Though I am not the one to revel in self-help books, this is by far the best book ever written on this subject. Succinct, to the point and truest to the core - and I find myself in a position to attest each and everything that's written in this masterpiece. It felt like someone has written all of my own experiences in one place and it made me realize how universal the dynamics of love and relationship are. No matter how successful you think you have been in sharing a remarkable bond of true love with someone, there is a thing or two you would take away from this book which will strengthen the bond further.

P.S - Reading it to my buddy and marveling at how true everything is, was one of the best feelings ever.