Ask for More: 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything

by Alexandra Carter

An instant Wall Street Journal bestseller and “a joy to read” (Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, authors of Difficult Conversations), Ask for More shows that by asking better questions, you get better answers—and better results from any negotiation.Negotiation is not a zero-sum game. It’s an essential skill for your career that can also improve your closest relationships and your everyday life. Still, people often shy away from it, feeling defeated before they’ve even started. In this groundbreaking new book on negotiation, Alexandra Carter—Columbia law professor and mediation expert who has helped students, business professionals, the United Nations, and more—offers a straightforward accessible approach anyone can use to ask for and receive more. We’ve been taught incorrectly that the loudest and most assertive voice prevails in any negotiation, or otherwise, both sides compromise, ending up with less. Instead, Carter shows that you get far more value by asking the right questions of the person you’re negotiating with than you do from arguing with them. She offers a simple yet powerful ten-question framework for successful negotiation where both sides emerge victorious. Carter’s proven method extends far beyond one “yes” and instead creates value that lasts a lifetime. Ask for More is “like having a negotiation coach in your corner” (Linda Babcock, author of Women Don’t Ask) and gives you the tools to bring clarity and perspective to any critical discussion, no matter the topic.

Genres: Business, Nonfiction, Leadership, Self Help, Communication, Psychology, Management

256 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 5, 2020

About the author

Alexandra Carter is a Clinical Professor of Law and Director of the Mediation Clinic at Columbia Law School, where she has spent over a decade helping thousands of people improve their negotiation skills. She is a world-renowned negotiation trainer for the United Nations, where she has taught dozens of negotiation workshops to hundreds of diplomats from more than eighty nations. Carter graduated with honors from Georgetown University, was a Fulbright Scholar in Taiwan, and received her law degree from Columbia Law School. In 2019, Carter was awarded Columbia University's highest teaching honor. She lives in Maplewood, New Jersey, with her husband and daughter.

Reviews

[Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

A foundational, must-read negotiations book seems to be published every decade or so: in the 80s it was "Getting to Yes". The 90s brought us "Difficult Conversations". Then came "Beyond Winning" and "3-D Negotiations". "Ask for More" is one such cornerstone book. It is not just the culmination, but also the evolution of the art of negotiations for the 21st century individual: like the book teaches, in an increasingly connected and louder world, true value comes from asking the right questions.
"Ask for More" is a sophisticated look into what it means to be transparent, courageous, and value-maximizing in a way that not only enriches ourselves, but others around us. Using the easy-to-digest "Mirror" and "Window" framework, Alexandra Carter's refreshing take on modern negotiations is insightful, thought-provoking, and encompasses the facets of life that we hold dear - it'll be a classic for years to come.

[Melissa Kramps · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could not put this book down! Whether your goal is to enhance your business negotiations or to communicate better with your partner, Ask for More is a must read. The Mirror and Window metaphors anchor the book and guide the reader in learning how to ask open ended questions and patiently wait for a response.

[Katie Minion · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book was great. After you read this book, you'll have a good understanding of how to have better conversations, both at work and at home. In a way, the title feels a bit too narrow. When I think of "negotiations," I think about formal discussions at work. But like the book jacket says, this book covers all types of conversations, not just work-related ones. You can use the lessons you learn in this book to help you have better conversations with your friends and family.

The techniques are pretty simple to understand, but it's nice to have someone so clearly lay out the things you should say. In her book, she gave a lot of examples and sample scripts to help the reader understand the point she was making, and those examples really helped the lessons stick. I ended up using some of the conversation techniques in a phone call I had a couple days ago with someone who wanted to do some work for me, and even though I need some practice, I felt more confident in the conversation thanks to these techniques.

My only critique would be to have the summary of the 10 questions listed at the beginning of the book as well as at the end. Self help books can feel a bit overwhelming when you're learning so much, and I got lost for a bit near the beginning until I realized what the outline really looked like. There's a good summary at the end of the book (in chart form) that I'd suggest you glance at first before you start reading.

[Ed · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of filler, a few good nuggets.

[Nick · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is good, brisk, succinct guide to negotiation, and negotiation prep. The first 5 questions are for your side: What's the problem I want to solve?, What do I need?, What do I feel?, How have I handled this successfully in the past?, What's the first step? Then, the second 5 questions are for your opposite number: Tell me?, What do you need?, What are your concerns?, How have you handled this successfully in the past?, and What's the first step? If I had a complaint it's that the whole program feels like it lacks some of the idealism of the win-win-win era. That may be unfair to Carter, who seems to have a clear handle on the whole idea of negotiation, calling the first part "the mirror," and the second part, "the window," -- but that metaphor adds to my sense that this is less about idealism and more about arming us all with the tools that make for business-like, value-free negotiations in a post-idealistic world.

[Stefanie]

I'm not bad at negotiation, but I could definitely use some improvement in what the title suggests. Let's see if this book can help.

[Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book delivers a great one-two punch. First, it expands your vision of what negotiation is, showing you how negotiation applies to every aspect of your personal and professional life. Second, it gives you very concrete tools for mastering negotiation. Plus, the tools take you beyond negotiation, towards better understanding yourself and others with a generosity of spirit. The book is written in a direct, engaging style, full of a variety of examples from different fields. And everything is rooted in sound research and Alex Carter’s years of experience. As her former student and teaching assistant, I can assure you, she knows of what she speaks.

[Brian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ask for More by Alexandra Carter breaks negotiation down into two areas through 10 questions and is a very thoughtful and engaging read on negotiation. This book is aimed a bit at a self-improvement audience and how to make yourself a better negotiator. She takes the wide view of negotiation beyond the traditional sense that most of us think. This could include interaction with a spouse, neighbors, asking for a raise, etc. and not just diplomats or the corporate boardroom. The book is broken down into two areas. The first is knowing yourself and the second is knowing the person you are talking to. The book breaks down five questions for each side

1. Definition of the problem or goal
2. Needs and what those look like
3. Feelings and Concerns
4. Previous Successes
5. First Steps

She gives a serious of questions that help you define what it is you need in each of these areas and then what it is the other side might be looking for in these areas. While some of it may seem like common sense feelings and pressure in the moment get in the way of implementing these and this book is a great reminder of strategies to help mitigate that risk. It is a very quick read with anecdotes sprinkled throughout and practical examples that we can relate to (with a few cool UN stories thrown in). Overall a book that lots can benefit from and a quick read.

[Viktoria Syzova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Не дивлячись на те що книга читалась довго, вона неймовірна! Це книга яка здатна змінити життя.
Довго читається бо її треба осмислювати, часом навіть одразу тренуватися щось робити.
Автор зрозумілою мовою, образами, ситуаціями пояснила важливість контролювати будь-які переговори, і що це може кожен з нас. Що результат це не везіння, результат це взаємодія.
Жалкую тільки про те, що не зробила нотатки (а вам раджу одразу їх робити), заради цікавих нотаток перечитаю ще раз!

[Chris Palmore · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author provides a question-based approach to enhance understanding and communication in every type of interaction-whether in the workplace, at home, or among friends. The insights shared in this book empower readers to build trust and align interests, fostering a win-win solution approach across all areas of life. Strongly recommend this book for anyone looking to deepen connections while negotiating effectively and respectfully.

[Andreea Andries · Rating 4 out of 5]

I negotiate/ steer relationships every day at work and I use most of these tools. The book is a bit superficial in its stories (I understand that the author tried to make it appealing to the non-business groups) and repetitive. However it had good takeaways on how to be systematic in a negotiation and how to start by structuring the question before a meeting.

[Katie Bernard · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gives amazing examples and anecdotes that apply to your daily life and really simplifies problem solving. Great personal development book.

[Alona Nikolaienko (Kiiko) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Корисна книга, за допомогою якої можна навчитись просити і отримувати ще більше.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who hates confrontation, this books really helped me understand that negotiation is not about arguing, but about finding a happy middle ground.

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

An unintuitive approach to negotiation, the author describes how to ask questions of yourself and others to improve negotiation tactics. I originally thought I had nothing to immediately negotiate, but this book does a great job of showing how negotiation can be about our goals, relationships, etc. I plan to try strategies in this book very soon and they don't seem intimidating. May update to 5 stars if it actually works :)

[Russell · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book on expanding what it means to negotiate effectively, the biggest takeaway from Ask for More for me personally is: In order to know how to negotiate, you must first deeply understand yourself, and then deeply understand your fellow negotiator. Only then can your/their proposal be rooted in what you both care about, and thus be successful.

• The method, models, and philosophy of how Alexandra Carter approaches negotiation is powerful and refreshing

• The personal stories were touching, and I enjoyed them, but at times it felt like there was more emphasis on the stories than on the method being taught

• Huge kudos to the author for doing a bang-on job reading the book

• The book can be a bit repetitive at times, especially to one taking notes, but at the same time, it does a great job of embedding the ideas into your brain. I’ll be using these ideas for future discussions and negotiations in the future.

[Anne Nest · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has given me the insight and tools to negotiate better for everything. Negotiating with my husband, my toddler, my willful six year old, and MYSELF has all become easier and more impactful. The format makes it easy to read in those ten minutes of quiet time you can find. Beware, you will learn and grow in ways you didn't anticipate!

[Peter Wills · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this is a helpful book that Alexandra Carter wrote. Nothing unique will be found here - overarching theme of 1) Reverse engineer your goal in the negotiation, 2) Think about what the other side will need.

There are some deeper suggestions/details in the chapters, but must of the content can truly be found by reading the table of contents.

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of the best negotiation books I have read and will be recommending it to others. The writer is a professional negotiator with a law degree, but the goals of this book are very accessible for everyone's personal and professional advancement.

[Hannah]

Back in the doldrums of February, I played hooky to go to a last minute panel on how the talks began between the ANC and the Afrikaner government prior to Mandela’s release. Abbreviated references to history always makes me think that (good) change was inevitable, but I really have to splash cold water on my face when that happens. Transformation is not inevitable.

But often, big transformative things happen if small things happen enough, too. And if that doesn’t hold up to my own cynicism’s scrutiny, this much will - I am a small thing. And if I seek anything like transformation, de-alienation, community, solidarity, commitment, peace, security, all those kinds of things, then I have to exercise the sphere of influence that I, as a small thing, have. And so it seems the most natural action born of that d’oh epiphany is that I cultivate listening as an imaginative, productive act. We don’t know where we could arrive until we learn how to communicate differently, and when we do that, we might look at our former neoliberal selfhoods with the same disdain or curiosity I might feel for a discarded snake skin. Perhaps!

Too high falutin in these dark days? I understand. Not for me, yet, but if that kind of potential hurts to hear - I think I get it. But I am animated by the idea.

So I looked up some douchey top ten lists of books for conflict mediators, and this appeared on more than one. Negotiations, you say? I have literally never been promoted in my life. Ever. Only ever had entry level jobs. The only thing I’ve “negotiated” in the elite sense of that word is how much I could get away with and still make rent. When I worked at a Whole Foods deli counter around the Great Recession, it was my 15th year in the high pressure industry of scooping mayo based “salads” into cups. They had a pretty great, to our starved bodies at least, General Tso’s tofu. And we figured out how to rearrange the rolling shelves in the walk-in so the cameras wouldn’t see us scarfing it up. Then we’d knock a tray on the floor in full view of the monitor as proof that the Tso’s went oops on the floor. So that’s about the most specifically I’ve ever negotiated a raise - will prevaricate in exchange for more fried tofu - and it’s the extent of my interest in that topic.

But I am interested as shit in building consensus and discovering what startling, doable, mundane solutions can be discovered as a result of a well defined situation. Here’s a concrete example of what I mean. Many gardening products exist to solve a problem that is the direct result of another product inadequately solving “the problem “ in the first place. Oh crap. I just described the entire growth economy under the guise of gardening stuff. Anyway, instead of buying new plastic tubes and motors and electricians labor etc to direct water uphill, you could instead know the site so deeply that after watching where water and fertility collect over time, you just put the garden in that spot. To someone predisposed to disagree with me, I’d like to say that I know not everyone has exactly this site - I just mean to say that in permaculture, the real work is the observation and deep understanding of the site, so that you can work with natural forces like gravity, instead of investing in the frustrating and expensive work of forcing nature to bend to your temporary will by throwing fossil fuels and crap at it. The gardening is the cut and dried, straightforward thing you do in response to years long observation. It’s the antecedent to the gardening that is the real work.

So, this book. If you can shrug off the examples of McKinsey-type consultants’ tribulations with their clients, the heart of it is a real decent, immediately applicable how-to. I almost wonder if the references to posh people and institutions was less of a flex, and more to cushion the blow of how elementary the advice is. As in see, even these big shots need help! But I’m not throwing shade on the project. More like, it hit me - what a tragedy it is that we’ve got 30-80 year old people reading elementary communication books because nowhere in our educations did anyone think “how to get along with people” was a worthy line of inquiry. I’d prefer she wrote a children’s book about this actually. She briefly mentions that some of her best students are the 10 year old New Jersey girls in conflict mediation coursework - now that curriculum I might actually see myself in, that I might really dig.

[Crystal K · Rating 5 out of 5]

In “Ask For More – 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything,” Professor Alexandra Carter presents the reader with a two-part framework for use in any negotiations endeavor and navigating and steering relationships through leading asking questions; and not just any questions, but the best questions. She describes Part I as, “The Mirror,” and Part II as, “The Window,” with each part asking questions of the person who is looking at themselves in The Mirror, and to other person(s) involved in the negotiation, through The Window. The five, best open-ended questions to ask in each part seek to identify and define the following: (1) the problem/goal; (2) needs; (3) feelings/concerns; (4) previous success; and (5) the first step. And that the answers to these important questions can help steer conversations, relationships, and negotiations that will increase the likelihood of a desired negotiation destination.

Professor Carter brings you on her book’s journey with an enormous amount of world-class negotiation experience, in addition to descriptions and results of research studies regarding human behavior, communication (verbal and non-verbal), human needs (including the basics and beyond), and wonderfully detailed descriptions of all kinds of real-life examples of negotations peppered throughout her book. She also speaks to the destination of any negotiation, i.e where you want to end up, and delightfully uses the metaphor of being in a canoe in the waters of Hawaii, and what it takes to navigate the canoe to an intended beach destination, and how one actually goes about trying to do that; not only in the gentle and smooth waters, but in tumultuous rapids also.

There are many important aspects in the book. To this reader, one of the most important aspects is the part about “The Mirror,” in that knowing oneself by spending the time it takes to honestly ponder, reflect, and journal one’s personal thoughts, feelings, expectations, and dreams to answer those five questions, in an attempt to not only improve one’s skills in formal negotiations, but to also navigate the relationships in life’s journey, ultimately trying to seek a desired quality of life, what that looks like, who’s in it, and how it can become a reality.

In the book’s introduction, Professor Carter begins with a quote: “We make our world significant by the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers.”

- Carl Sagan

And at the beginning of Part 2 (The Window), there’s this: “When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.”

-Ernest Hemingway

Professor Carter's book (backed up with her expertise, knowledge, skills, abilities, experience, with the support of the distinguished research of others) posits that to improve negotiations, and skillfully navigate the relatationships in them increases the likelihood of a desired, “successful,” outcome; and that one needs to know oneself by answering those five important questions, and then, (and only then), asking those same questions of others in the negotiations to try and steer the participants toward their ultimate desired destination; whether it’s on a beautiful beach in Hawaii, or in some other happy place.

She wrote an incredible book!

(Books of the same genre include “Bargaining for Advantage,” by G. Richard Shell, and “crucial conversations” by Kerry Patteson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan & Al Switzler).

Crystal Johnson

[Hilary R · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm someone who would back down from any confrontation or negotiation— ever met that person who’d refuse to haggle at a market where you’re supposed to? That’s me. I picked up this book to explore ways I could learn to use my own strengths (and confront my weaknesses) in negotiations, but I found even more in reading Ask For More: how to really figure out my own needs, proactively rather than reactively, and communicate them better, to both myself and others. There are plenty of negotiation books out there, but I think Carter’s approach is unique in several ways: it speaks more broadly about communication and resolution of conflict, not least stemming from her background as a mediator, which appealed to me as someone less familiar with “negotiation” in the typical sense. Moreover, the anecdotes she offers in this book reveal the depth of her expertise, and even the metaphors she employs have been useful thinking exercises for me. Thirdly, she’s gracious and funny, and the book made me laugh out loud a few times— not to be taken lightly for an often heavy subject. I think the real appeal of this book is you can come to it time and again when you have something troubling you, and it feels like the author is really there to help you work through it and offers tools to eventually do it on your own before you even realize it— I’ve noticed myself subconsciously using these tools and it’s already garnered me accolades from my work colleagues! Highly recommended.

[Doreen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I decided to read "Ask For More" to learn more about negotiation, but got a lot more than I bargained for — beyond negotiation, Alex Carter teaches readers how to have more effective conversations with ourselves . The first half of the book, "The Mirror", provides five questions that guide the way we think about and approach what we want in the first place — a useful first step in any negotiation, but perhaps even more useful in our daily lives where we often don't ask ourselves the hard questions. In a negotiation, this becomes useful as it allows us, for example, to come up with creative solutions. In our personal lives, it allows us to lead our lives more intentionally.

Alex's presentation style both in person and in the book is to keep it short, to the point, powerful, and funny. She opens up and shares vulnerable moments, including stories about her dying father, to help illustrate points that she makes.

It is not often that you can call a book life-changing, but I believe that the insights from this book have helped me shift my perspective and gain confidence (particularly through the lessons learned in chapter four about looking at prior successes.) This book may be about negotiation, but the skills apply beyond that: the books provides tools (such as the best initial question you can ask in almost any situation) for how to communicate effectively both with ourselves and others.

[Tom Nachtigal · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was introduced to me in the midst of the most uncertain time I've ever experienced, when I needed to make life decisions and was completely paralyzed without being able to choose one path or another. I could not be more thankful for this timing of reading this book, as it offered me tremendous help clarifying my issues, my goals and needs.
In times of uncertainty, so many questions arise and entangle, and it becomes harder and harder to basically identify and separate between issues and deal with them effectively. Ask For More has essentially helped me from stage one - identifying what bothers me, why and what should I do in order to make a conscious decision I can be in peace with, that is also viable in reality.
It also helped me to navigate important relationships in my life, to effectively voice my needs and engage those around me to achieving my goals. So instead of distancing from my favorite people, I learned to make a better connection to be able to give and receive more.
Most importantly, you can hear Alex's warm guidance within your head while reading, helping you to get in better touch with yourself and find my path to ensure I don't give up on what's important for me.
Bottom line - can't recommend this book enough for everyone! it provides amazing tools to find solutions within yourselves to problems you thought were inscrutable.

[Emmanuel Makoni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Now, of all the books I have read this year, this would be the #1 book I would recommend to everyone to read. This books deals with the art of negotiation in all aspects of our lives. The premise behind it is how mediation needs to be done first for one to be successful in negotiation. When we think of negotiation, we view it as a zero-sum game where there has to be a winner and a loser. After reading this book, I now know that it is important for the outcome of any negotiation to be mutually beneficial. The book also teaches about the importance of finding out why an individual has a specific desired outcome. We need to figure out why we want what we want and where that is stemming from. For example, if someone is hoping to get a higher pay - the answer may not be the fact that they want more money. The deeper reason could be the fact that they want to be able to tackle some obligations. By asking more questions, we’re able to get to the root and therefore be able to negotiate in a way that benefits all parties involved. This book doesn’t just pertain to workplaces, it deals with negotiation in relationships and other aspects of life. As I mentioned, I would highly recommend for everyone to read this book - tremendous value in this book!

[Peter Knox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Before this book, I thought Negotiation was about winning and losing... at best trying to find a win/win.

Alex Carter gives us all a new definition for negotiation - it's literally how to navigate relationships. Her metaphor comparing it to kayaking absolutely changed things for me: keeping your eyes on the goal ahead, always steering and guiding, and working in context works.

This book's framework is genius, 10 open ended questions (with follow up questions, help with sticking points, and narrative stories to illustrate each) that help you cast a wide net to capture as much useful information as possible, build stronger relationships, and establish open communication is a step by step roadmap to better outcomes.

Who knew that asking better questions led to better answers? Some of this guidance seems obvious and simple, but when viewed together in the context of negotiation - it's brilliant. And it's clear that this isn't just for the office, but at home with your partner or parents or kids.

If nothing else, next time I feel stuck I'll know to ask an open question to get going again: "Tell me more."

[Reandy Summa · Rating 5 out of 5]

For starters, I am personally intrigued with your definition of negotiation, which you prescribed as a conversation in which the people involved steer the relationship. It (alongside with the discussions among it) substantially switches my perception of a negotiation being a “formal and strict” situation and broadens my insight in a sense that negotiation is what you do daily, may it be on formal occasion or not.

Your book helps me to extensively understand how to simply ask the right questions. I understand that “asking the right questions” is a complex conduct, one that requires us to break down thoroughly before we begin to “ask”, yet your book helps me to also understand that, despite its complex nature, it is not (or does not have to be) difficult.

Aside from that, your book is very easy to read. For a law student, your book is very practical and easy to understand and I am convinced that anyone (law student/practitioner or not) who reads it feels the same way. It amazed me how every experience you faced and explained in your book added more and more to your perspective on how to negotiate.

[Daniela D · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ask for More is a clear and concise book. It does exactly what it says, provides you a very reasonable and applicable set of questions you can ask yourself before going into a negotiation, and then ask your counterpart when you are negotiating. Although the questions are relatively similar, there are variants in the way you can ask them, and Carter explains this brilliantly - both - with stories and examples of how to construct and phrase the question itself, which I found invaluable! Although these questions may seem common sense, there were plenty of a-ha! moments for me and I am definitely going to apply these in practice. The main concern though, which Carter also acknowledges at the end of the book is the fact that these questions are helpful only when both parties enter the conversation with a hope to solve the issue, or as she says "in good faith". If you are dealing with a manipulator, nothing can help. And just like her, I wish everyone uses this techniques and the world does become a better place!

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

10 Questions to Negotiate Anything
1. Look in the mirror. Before you enter into any negotiation, take thirty minutes to first ask yourself five good questions. If you do that, you'll end up getting better results, and feel more confident the deal you're striking is what you want. Don't forget to write down and follow up on the answers you give to these five mirror questions:
1. What problem do I need to solve?
2. What do I need to get
3. What do I feel about this
4. How have I handled this before
5. What's the first step


2. Look out the window. The key to negotiating a great deal is to see the other party clearly. To achieve that, you need to ask some questions and then listen empathetically, even if they are your adversary. Try and discern their needs, concerns, and feelings. If you can do that, you'll be a better negotiator. The five window questions are:

1. Tell me more
2. What do you need
3. What are your concerns
4. Have you handled this before
5. What's the first step?

[Mie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I flew through Ask for More, and I know I will be returning to this book time and again as a I negotiate my way through life. Ask for More is an approachable, compassionate, and no-nonsense guide to preparing for and navigating tough conversations and decisions in any area of life. The core is the clear and helpful Mirror and Window framework, which requires asking good questions (of yourself and others) and listening carefully (to yourself and others). As someone who has often felt intimidated by the very idea of negotiation, I am grateful to now have this resource to turn to when I see a negotiation or conflict looming in my future. With Ask for More, I feel certain that I have the tools to do the self-reflection necessary to enter a negotiation from a place of honesty, clarity, and strength—with a more open and creative mindset (ready to ask for more!).