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Don't Call Me Mum
When Sarah saw the thin blue line on her pregnancy test, she was filled with joy - but little did she know her journey as a mother would be filled with struggle and pain.
Sarah had a feeling that her son, Tom, was going to be an active one from the start. As he grew, his conduct grew more and more out of control, and Sarah found herself dragging him to countless professionals with no diagnosis or support in sight.
Don't Call Me Mum is a powerful and emotionally raw memoir about a mother's journey to get help for her son, and the enduring love that kept her going. "I felt every bit of the author's pain as she lives in a state of alert for sixteen years. Extremely thought provoking."
Sarah had a feeling that her son, Tom, was going to be an active one from the start. As he grew, his conduct grew more and more out of control, and Sarah found herself dragging him to countless professionals with no diagnosis or support in sight.
Don't Call Me Mum is a powerful and emotionally raw memoir about a mother's journey to get help for her son, and the enduring love that kept her going. "I felt every bit of the author's pain as she lives in a state of alert for sixteen years. Extremely thought provoking."
494 pages, Kindle Edition
Published December 31, 2019
247 people are currently reading
195 people want to read
About the author
Maria Frankland
116 books567 followersMaria Frankland has a dubious internet search history and a very worried mother-in-law. However, neither of these things can stop her writing gripping psychological thrillers in which you’ll never find a happy-ever-after.
Her novels are mostly set in Yorkshire where you’ll hear the accent through all her characters. These are people you could live next door to, or closer still… don’t say you haven’t been warned.
Maria’s novels are fast-paced, down to earth and realistic. You never know what’s around the corner…
Find out more about Maria at https://www.mariafrankland.co.uk. Whilst you’re there, you can download your free novella – The Brother-in-Law.
Her novels are mostly set in Yorkshire where you’ll hear the accent through all her characters. These are people you could live next door to, or closer still… don’t say you haven’t been warned.
Maria’s novels are fast-paced, down to earth and realistic. You never know what’s around the corner…
Find out more about Maria at https://www.mariafrankland.co.uk. Whilst you’re there, you can download your free novella – The Brother-in-Law.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 52 reviews
September 5, 2020
A book that angered me. Where was the love?
I am so infuriated by this story. Here's why...I too had a very difficult child eventually diagnosed with autism and ADHD. A lot of the young years and school I got completely.
But...Where is the love. Hardly at all does this mother speak lovingly or kind about her son. The almost hatred oozing disgusts me. If her son really did pick up on those vibes then absolutely it impacted him. I get this was a very, very hard journey. I don't sense a single nice thing from a mum about her son, no matter what.
As a mum of a very challenging not who is now 20 and I still battle I know telling him he's loved and valued no matter what. Love him not the behaviour. I felt sick how many times this mother wanted him taken away. After my own journey with a similar mum who threw me out I know the damage done. It's not just she is his victim at all. His life is painful and out control but for goodness sake stop sending him the message he's too broken and unlovable. He definitely would sense that and I see it in the hate he shows his mum.
A book that made me both sad and angry as a mum. You make your own mind up.
I am so infuriated by this story. Here's why...I too had a very difficult child eventually diagnosed with autism and ADHD. A lot of the young years and school I got completely.
But...Where is the love. Hardly at all does this mother speak lovingly or kind about her son. The almost hatred oozing disgusts me. If her son really did pick up on those vibes then absolutely it impacted him. I get this was a very, very hard journey. I don't sense a single nice thing from a mum about her son, no matter what.
As a mum of a very challenging not who is now 20 and I still battle I know telling him he's loved and valued no matter what. Love him not the behaviour. I felt sick how many times this mother wanted him taken away. After my own journey with a similar mum who threw me out I know the damage done. It's not just she is his victim at all. His life is painful and out control but for goodness sake stop sending him the message he's too broken and unlovable. He definitely would sense that and I see it in the hate he shows his mum.
A book that made me both sad and angry as a mum. You make your own mind up.
March 8, 2022
This book was disturbing and enlightening and only two things surprised me. Firstly how long and hard mum struggled and put up with Tom's destructive behaviour and secondly, some of the outrageous criticism hurled at the mum in some reviews, as well as in the re-telling where parents are always blamed.
Having read We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver, the goings on in this true story's recount of a mum's struggles with her hyperactive out of control son were not surprising but still concerning. I was, as in the other book mentioned, surprised mum had the "courage", if that's the right word, to have another child after what she'd been through.
A must read for every parent struggling with a delinquent child regardless of whether they are diagnosed with an official medical condition or not. I lost track of the number of times Tom broke things, stole things, was verbally or physically threatening or abusive, climbed out of windows, smoked cannabis or did harder drugs, lied, bunked school, crept home at an unholy hour, urinated in public or sprayed his faeces intentionally on walls, sheets etc. and most of these behaviours started in his very early years. 5 Stars
Having read We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver, the goings on in this true story's recount of a mum's struggles with her hyperactive out of control son were not surprising but still concerning. I was, as in the other book mentioned, surprised mum had the "courage", if that's the right word, to have another child after what she'd been through.
A must read for every parent struggling with a delinquent child regardless of whether they are diagnosed with an official medical condition or not. I lost track of the number of times Tom broke things, stole things, was verbally or physically threatening or abusive, climbed out of windows, smoked cannabis or did harder drugs, lied, bunked school, crept home at an unholy hour, urinated in public or sprayed his faeces intentionally on walls, sheets etc. and most of these behaviours started in his very early years. 5 Stars
November 10, 2020
One of the most powerful books I’ve read!
As a Mom and Clinical Social Worker who has worked with kids like Tom and worse and yes, here in the US the blame game is the same. Either blame the parents or blame the kids, give someone some methylphenidate...see you next week. My youngest was busy and I’m not sure I ever went more than a month, without a call.
I don5 know if I agree ADHD is his primary diagnosis nor is conduct disorder in my opinion. This young man suffers from something congenital ...,children are born all the time with internal organs that outside and it’s easy to say, “he/she may suffer difficulties throughout her life” but you can’t see a neurological deficit.
My heart literally broke reading the additional trauma caused to the whole family.
I’ve seen Child Protective Services in action and while I understand the difficulty of their position—the system is beyond repair.
I am grateful that T is functioning (much better than I expected) in a way that is working for him.
As a Mom and Clinical Social Worker who has worked with kids like Tom and worse and yes, here in the US the blame game is the same. Either blame the parents or blame the kids, give someone some methylphenidate...see you next week. My youngest was busy and I’m not sure I ever went more than a month, without a call.
I don5 know if I agree ADHD is his primary diagnosis nor is conduct disorder in my opinion. This young man suffers from something congenital ...,children are born all the time with internal organs that outside and it’s easy to say, “he/she may suffer difficulties throughout her life” but you can’t see a neurological deficit.
My heart literally broke reading the additional trauma caused to the whole family.
I’ve seen Child Protective Services in action and while I understand the difficulty of their position—the system is beyond repair.
I am grateful that T is functioning (much better than I expected) in a way that is working for him.
July 29, 2020
I have real mixed emotions about this book.
They say when somethings sound unbelievable, they probably are. Let’s take the first chapter for example she says when her baby was only a half a day oh he wasn’t in the nursery so she could get a proper rest oh no he was in the room with her and despite you just been through a Trumatic ordeal of childbirth who was expected to tend to him and he wouldn’t go to sleep then she took this one day old baby and showed him Christmas lights and miracle on miracle it distracted him. Despite newborns or blind at birth, despite they have no cognitive abilities and only runoff innate emotions such as hunger, this newborn was distracted by Christmas lights. Then when she goes home and her boyfriend takes little Tom to see his mother and leave a note telling her to get some proper rest she can’t go no she stays up and cleans the house. I don’t know how many reading this will of had a baby, but when you have a child that doesn’t sleep well when they sleep you sleep with someone takes them for a while you sleep. The best thing for a baby is a well rested mother, but head she went to sleep as a her boyfriend suggested she couldn’t have complained about it. That’s just like when he bought powder and Tatum and she said they ran out at four in the morning and he gave her the baby. Wasn’t she sleeping while he fed the baby? This all sounds untrue and it may be true but first off a newborn who doesn’t sleep at least 18 hours a day the doctor wouldn’t have released him from the hospital he would’ve kept him for observation and if he with eight months old and not getting at least 16 hours a day of sleep again she could’ve told her doctor and any good doctor would’ve wanted to check the baby out. Maybe this is all true, but none of it rings true to me. Especially being in the hospital and not being able to sleep every time my head one of my children I was given the option of having the baby or letting the baby stay in the nursery. What kind of hospital leaves a brand new mom to10 to her own baby right after giving birth? The second chapter was called 182 days without sleep, no anthem or rather no human could sustain 182 days without getting proper sleep at least a few times in the 182 days and you mean to tell me that for the eight months previous no one took the baby? Not his dad, his grandmother… Anyone? Been supersedes to tell us how throughout his life she took him to doctor after doctor and they all came up with lame reasons why he was the way he was. So there wasn’t not one Doctor Who looked at the child’s medical history and thought there must be something wrong with this boy. What kind of doctors do they have in Canada but not one doctor looked at his medical history. I know doctors slip up all the time and think they know better, but you would think at least one of them would have known what he was doing. I was looking forward to reading this book, but when someone acts like their whole life is misery and they get not even a moment reprieve I’m A little skeptical, because even when someone is being abused even the abuser gets tired and has to rest.
They say when somethings sound unbelievable, they probably are. Let’s take the first chapter for example she says when her baby was only a half a day oh he wasn’t in the nursery so she could get a proper rest oh no he was in the room with her and despite you just been through a Trumatic ordeal of childbirth who was expected to tend to him and he wouldn’t go to sleep then she took this one day old baby and showed him Christmas lights and miracle on miracle it distracted him. Despite newborns or blind at birth, despite they have no cognitive abilities and only runoff innate emotions such as hunger, this newborn was distracted by Christmas lights. Then when she goes home and her boyfriend takes little Tom to see his mother and leave a note telling her to get some proper rest she can’t go no she stays up and cleans the house. I don’t know how many reading this will of had a baby, but when you have a child that doesn’t sleep well when they sleep you sleep with someone takes them for a while you sleep. The best thing for a baby is a well rested mother, but head she went to sleep as a her boyfriend suggested she couldn’t have complained about it. That’s just like when he bought powder and Tatum and she said they ran out at four in the morning and he gave her the baby. Wasn’t she sleeping while he fed the baby? This all sounds untrue and it may be true but first off a newborn who doesn’t sleep at least 18 hours a day the doctor wouldn’t have released him from the hospital he would’ve kept him for observation and if he with eight months old and not getting at least 16 hours a day of sleep again she could’ve told her doctor and any good doctor would’ve wanted to check the baby out. Maybe this is all true, but none of it rings true to me. Especially being in the hospital and not being able to sleep every time my head one of my children I was given the option of having the baby or letting the baby stay in the nursery. What kind of hospital leaves a brand new mom to10 to her own baby right after giving birth? The second chapter was called 182 days without sleep, no anthem or rather no human could sustain 182 days without getting proper sleep at least a few times in the 182 days and you mean to tell me that for the eight months previous no one took the baby? Not his dad, his grandmother… Anyone? Been supersedes to tell us how throughout his life she took him to doctor after doctor and they all came up with lame reasons why he was the way he was. So there wasn’t not one Doctor Who looked at the child’s medical history and thought there must be something wrong with this boy. What kind of doctors do they have in Canada but not one doctor looked at his medical history. I know doctors slip up all the time and think they know better, but you would think at least one of them would have known what he was doing. I was looking forward to reading this book, but when someone acts like their whole life is misery and they get not even a moment reprieve I’m A little skeptical, because even when someone is being abused even the abuser gets tired and has to rest.
October 24, 2020
Very strong woman
Having read your book, it 100% Spot on. Having been the mother of a son with ADHD, I struggled with nearly all the same issues.
From him urinating in the plants, eating frozen sausages and chips from the freezer.
Constant battles with his other sibling.
Constant appointments with all the professionals.
The cannabis usage.
I'm glad you son has turned out ok, we try so hard to guide them the right way.
Fantastic read.
Having read your book, it 100% Spot on. Having been the mother of a son with ADHD, I struggled with nearly all the same issues.
From him urinating in the plants, eating frozen sausages and chips from the freezer.
Constant battles with his other sibling.
Constant appointments with all the professionals.
The cannabis usage.
I'm glad you son has turned out ok, we try so hard to guide them the right way.
Fantastic read.
April 14, 2022
Being a mother means fighting for what’s best for your child. In this story, the mother, Sarah, goes well beyond what most women could endure to get help for her son Tom, from the time he was an infant until the time he left home. Although the support systems for parents were different than in the U.S., Sarah took advantage of everything possible to help her son who she was convinced was undiagnosed ADHD. As the reader, you can’t imagine how she could have lived through what she did and what her son put her through. You also realize that support systems are often mired in red tape and can not hope to move as fast as parents need them to. Maria Farkland’s purpose for writing this book was to help other parents who might be in similar situations. Your heart will go out to Sarah and Tom.
November 9, 2021
Heartbreaking, A Mother's Love
I could relate to the author. Our experience with a mentally ill child, adopted and so wanted, changed the course of our lives forever. The family, siblings that came later, all had a life defined by constant turmoil. Friends disappeared, churches ostracized us, professionals too long a list to detail all started out with " blame the parents", fix the parents, mandate parenting classes once the child was in court for theft, underage drinking, truancy. Heartbreak and pain. Guilt, self doubt, stress and trauma. Sometimes you cannot believe you weathered the storm. The child grew up. Still struggling, agencies were less than helpful. But I never gave up. How does a mother turn her back on a " wounded" child? The author sacrificed so much. We do. And as an adult, my child turned life around. Attended groups, sought help, medication. And we became close. Lost years could not be recovered but we found the love I so badly wished could have been a happy childhood. Sadly, my child was suddenly struck with heart disease and the day she ended her journey here on earth, a part of me went with her. No matter how difficult it was, like this author, your child is forever. God bless her for holding on with so little support and so much blame and judgement.
I could relate to the author. Our experience with a mentally ill child, adopted and so wanted, changed the course of our lives forever. The family, siblings that came later, all had a life defined by constant turmoil. Friends disappeared, churches ostracized us, professionals too long a list to detail all started out with " blame the parents", fix the parents, mandate parenting classes once the child was in court for theft, underage drinking, truancy. Heartbreak and pain. Guilt, self doubt, stress and trauma. Sometimes you cannot believe you weathered the storm. The child grew up. Still struggling, agencies were less than helpful. But I never gave up. How does a mother turn her back on a " wounded" child? The author sacrificed so much. We do. And as an adult, my child turned life around. Attended groups, sought help, medication. And we became close. Lost years could not be recovered but we found the love I so badly wished could have been a happy childhood. Sadly, my child was suddenly struck with heart disease and the day she ended her journey here on earth, a part of me went with her. No matter how difficult it was, like this author, your child is forever. God bless her for holding on with so little support and so much blame and judgement.
December 14, 2020
Excellent read I couldn't put the book down. So pleased Tom has managed to turn his life around. Hope alexis doing well to
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 5, 2021
Amazing memoir!!!!
I doubt hell could have hatched a more naughty, incorrigible child as what I read here. And yet, the naughty child matured to a young man of promise, in large part due to the undying love of his mother, who, no matter what he did, struggled on and tried to help him in every way she could. Good parenting is not about perfection for there is no such thing. It is about love and perseverance, both of which Ms. Frankland has in full supply. My thanks to her for sharing her story. May it be an encouragement and reminder to other parents that change is indeed possible.
I doubt hell could have hatched a more naughty, incorrigible child as what I read here. And yet, the naughty child matured to a young man of promise, in large part due to the undying love of his mother, who, no matter what he did, struggled on and tried to help him in every way she could. Good parenting is not about perfection for there is no such thing. It is about love and perseverance, both of which Ms. Frankland has in full supply. My thanks to her for sharing her story. May it be an encouragement and reminder to other parents that change is indeed possible.
February 4, 2024
Amazing to read. I don’t know how the mother put up with what she did and for so long. It’s hard to think it’s a real story sometimes. Would highly recommend reading
November 16, 2020
Fantastic read
A brilliant but heartbreaking read, and very true to life for how hard ot was to get support for troubled child/ren.
A brilliant but heartbreaking read, and very true to life for how hard ot was to get support for troubled child/ren.
July 27, 2023
A really interesting read
April 19, 2021
I could not put this book down. It was like reading the story of my own son. I don’t have to write it myself now (which I have often thought about doing) because Maria has written it for me. I am no longer alone. Before this I have never in my life found another mother who went through (and continues to go through) this exact type of torture with my much loved (but also hated at times, like the writer, I am but human) son. He is 43 now and still struggling with his life, making fragile progress which could fail at any moment. My life is scarred by the experience I have had with him and others, some friends and relatives to put it mildly, have not helped those scars heal; they either did not believe me as outwardly, like Tom he was (is) articulate, good looking and has charisma - or like the writer, I was seen as the villain(ess) of the piece (“the bad/inadequate/difficult mother”). I did my best and I’m still doing it, living with the strange mix of love hatred and abuse he still directs at me and exclusively me. He is difficult with others too, but dials it down with them knowing he will have no friends otherwise. By contrast with me he knows I will always love him no matter what. Yes, I was once even arrested and put in a cell because of his behaviour (which the writer almost was too). This book is a life saver, well written and will bring solace to others in my position. There will be others as evidenced by some reviews here, who ironically take a negative view of the mother, falling into the same trap as those educators and psychologists do in the book. Well cruelly judged Mums, you have your weapon, quote from this book W hen you are scapegoated.
September 30, 2020
Riveting story of a mother’s trials and tribulations with a son with behavioural issues. I could not put it down!
November 13, 2021
Spellbinding
A mother's torment. I was just engrossed in this memoir of a mother's battle with her own child. Almost non existent support and absolute determination to do all she can to mother her child in the face of such turmoil. Excellent read!
A mother's torment. I was just engrossed in this memoir of a mother's battle with her own child. Almost non existent support and absolute determination to do all she can to mother her child in the face of such turmoil. Excellent read!
January 24, 2022
Why
This is a life story about a boy with ADHzD. How is is constantly in trouble from the day he is born. It takes awhile for them to even find out what is wrong with him. Reading through this book I felt so sorry for the mother in it. It was a little long for me though.
This is a life story about a boy with ADHzD. How is is constantly in trouble from the day he is born. It takes awhile for them to even find out what is wrong with him. Reading through this book I felt so sorry for the mother in it. It was a little long for me though.
May 8, 2023
Wow what an incredible story.
November 1, 2021
Fantastic book!
This book is very sobering. I myself have a son who was hyperactive, not to the extent that this young man was, but mine certainly gave me run for my money! Therefore, I can understand some of what Tom's family was going through. The book was easy to read with perfect grammar and spelling. Loved it!
This book is very sobering. I myself have a son who was hyperactive, not to the extent that this young man was, but mine certainly gave me run for my money! Therefore, I can understand some of what Tom's family was going through. The book was easy to read with perfect grammar and spelling. Loved it!
April 5, 2022
Don’t call me mum
Brilliant read and very relatable too! I know the struggles I went through with my daughter and the struggles my friend is going through with her son are very similar
Brilliant read and very relatable too! I know the struggles I went through with my daughter and the struggles my friend is going through with her son are very similar
February 18, 2022
Gripping
An thought provoking read especially having two sons which ADHD. How tough it was for her as a mother who just needed support.
An thought provoking read especially having two sons which ADHD. How tough it was for her as a mother who just needed support.
January 17, 2022
Very good
The story of a mothers battle with her out of control son and the authorities that let her down. I wasn't sure if I would like this book but it was very good. I hope mum and her sons have a happy future.
The story of a mothers battle with her out of control son and the authorities that let her down. I wasn't sure if I would like this book but it was very good. I hope mum and her sons have a happy future.
October 20, 2021
For any parent
Whether your thinking of having kids or adopting, you might find this book extremely thought provoking. I've read a lot of books about RAD but not much about conduct disorder. I felt every bit of the author's pain as she lives in a state of alert for sixteen years. I wonder how much PTSD she has. It was really brave of her to have another baby while dealing with Tom. I wonder how different the UK is vs the US as far as youthful offenders go. I feel like in America he would have been in juvie or a boy's home long before he went to court twenty times. I appreciated the epilogue and updates.
Whether your thinking of having kids or adopting, you might find this book extremely thought provoking. I've read a lot of books about RAD but not much about conduct disorder. I felt every bit of the author's pain as she lives in a state of alert for sixteen years. I wonder how much PTSD she has. It was really brave of her to have another baby while dealing with Tom. I wonder how different the UK is vs the US as far as youthful offenders go. I feel like in America he would have been in juvie or a boy's home long before he went to court twenty times. I appreciated the epilogue and updates.
April 15, 2021
Wonderful, must read.
So glad I chose this as my Amazon first read this month, I couldn’t put it down. Having shared some of the author’s experiences myself, there was points I cried, and some where I’m ashamed to say I laughed (its my coping mechanism to find humour in bad situations) and the epilogue... I won’t spoil it, but I’m really glad it was the 2nd edition with the update at the end that I read, because it would have driven me crazy not knowing how things turned out. Off to recommend this book to all my adhd mum friends, who have all experienced the judgement, the desperation for help, and many sleepless night’s through their own journeys with a child with behaviour issues.
So glad I chose this as my Amazon first read this month, I couldn’t put it down. Having shared some of the author’s experiences myself, there was points I cried, and some where I’m ashamed to say I laughed (its my coping mechanism to find humour in bad situations) and the epilogue... I won’t spoil it, but I’m really glad it was the 2nd edition with the update at the end that I read, because it would have driven me crazy not knowing how things turned out. Off to recommend this book to all my adhd mum friends, who have all experienced the judgement, the desperation for help, and many sleepless night’s through their own journeys with a child with behaviour issues.
June 25, 2021
This book gives a insight into life of a mum with a child with specific needs and the injustice it is getting them to help and support they need and how agencies are quick to put the blame on the parent and not looking at the help that is needed
April 14, 2021
Brilliant
Did not want the book to end,in a very unselfish way..brilliant read,and great insight..definitely will be recommended to friends and family
Did not want the book to end,in a very unselfish way..brilliant read,and great insight..definitely will be recommended to friends and family
June 23, 2021
A real page Turner
One family's hell and how the system failed them all so terribly .
A good read I was amazed by the strength of Toms mother.
One family's hell and how the system failed them all so terribly .
A good read I was amazed by the strength of Toms mother.
April 8, 2021
Absolutely amazing
It was an heart rending story but I am grateful for reading it as I am grateful for advice on how to deal with things I too was let down with my child and the services
It was an heart rending story but I am grateful for reading it as I am grateful for advice on how to deal with things I too was let down with my child and the services
September 5, 2020
Not quite sure how I feel about this book but it kept me hooked all the way through. As a mum of a child who doesn’t sleep much and can be violent and destructive and who we’re fighting to get assessed it hit pretty close to home. Could relate to a lot of the early years, I’m hoping I won’t be able to say the same for the teen years!
August 3, 2023
This book is well written and reads like a story. Having been diagnosed as ADHD myself, as well as my son, and working in the field, & don’t agree with that being the root cause. Most of us do not end up with behavioral issues to this extreme, I was a straight A Student and graduated with a Masters Degree. Not the norm either though. Something more was going on, most likely a combination of factors. It did sound like attachment issues in the early years & this is NOT to blame anyone. We all do the best we can with what we have. I agree that parenting classes and family support could have been beneficial early on. We all make mistakes and could improve ourselves. Once the progression goes into conduct issues, it is harder to correct. Sticking to strong boundaries and not giving in to demands is essential as kids learn quick how to manipulate. Strict consequences and not calling names, etc. By the time full blown anti-social behavior kicks in, it is very difficult to turn around. I have definitely made mistakes along the parenting journey myself. It’s a hard job. It is a shame when a system is broken. Thanks for sharing your own journey.
August 18, 2020
Very emotional and raw story
About the love/hate relationship you can have with your own child. But when the worst happens, a mother's love always wins.
About the love/hate relationship you can have with your own child. But when the worst happens, a mother's love always wins.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 52 reviews