“I have two grand to my name plus a shabby condo in Vermont nobody wants to buy. I’m mid-fifties and worried sick about the future. Retirement? As far as I can tell this Town Car is my retirement.”
“There’s no way I’m surviving today, I realize. This is it. The day the five million Shakespeares of bad karma finally contrive to kill me. I don’t even care, man.”
*****
THE LAST TAXI DRIVER is a perfect overlapping Venn diagram of my two favorite literary genres: the Sad-Sad Middle-Aged Male existential wallow and the Unwilling Tourist In My Own Town punch-drunk picaresque.
Lou Bishoff is the archetype of the former; he’s a former college professor and forgotten novelist of long-forgotten promise who now drives a taxi cab for a skinflint company at a time when ride-sharing competitors are casting a long shadow over his Mississippi town, which bears a strong resemblance to the literary outpost of Oxford. He’s a loser who won’t admit as much only because doing so, you suspect, would commit the literary sin in Lou’s eyes of being too on-the-nose. He doesn’t dwell on his fifteen minutes for even fifteen minutes, because, as he notes: “The novel I had published some twenty years earlier is remembered locally, if at all, for a chapter in which the main character, a seventeen-year-old kid, fu**s a watermelon.”
Lou’s job is his picaresque. Like the dog that returns to lick up his own vomit because he can’t find a better meal, or is too lazy to look for one, Lee returns to his broken-down Town Car everyday for a boss who cheerfully rips him off at every turn out of what seems like weapons-grade complacency. Every day, he’s dispatched to deal with those on the margins of local society: drunks and druggies; criminals and castoffs; suicide kings and meth-motel queens; the mentally ill and the terminally ill.
Every fare brings with it the possibility of not collecting his fare. Nobody means to rip him off — there’s nobody of just one note in THE LAST TAXI DRIVER; Lee Durkee is too talented and too sharp an observer of fallen humanity for that — but everybody among the nobodies has a story that somehow comes between the cabbie and the cash he needs to keep dragging his careless carcass from one shift to the next. Most involve unscheduled stops at liquor stores and the empty houses of ex-spouses who supposedly owe them money.
That’s the story, really; you get the sense early on that the journey of THE LAST TAXI DRIVER is its destination, because all others seem too silly or schematic. He’s not going to get another college job; he’s not going to get another publishing deal (even though Durkee, who drove a cab during his twenty years between novels, did). He’s probably not lucky enough to die, either.
But I suspect you won’t care, because, oh what a grimly hilarious journey THE LAST TAXI DRIVER is in every passage and on every page. Just consider the roll call of whack jobs who release strange smells in the back seat of Lou’s bald-tired chariot, all of whom he despises and feels grudging fellowship with in practically the same fetid breath, in the course of a single Adderall-addled day. A small sampling:
• A former frat boy who Lou, years ago, sucker-punched in a bar.
• The sweet-sad son of the cab company’s owner, who cheerfully hijacks Lou in pursuit — or retreat — from the various people who want to arrest him or kill him.
• A sexy sex addict who may or may not seduce Lou, and he can’t decide if that’s the fulfillment or his dreams or the dragging-out of his nightmare.
• A rich senator’s alcoholic son and his crazy girlfriend, who atones for back-seat throw-ups with hundred-dollar bills.
• A meth-head mother-and-daughter duo who constantly prod Lou to make stop after stop for which he almost certainly won’t get paid. But may almost certainly get hurt.
• The town’s one black racist Republican.
As Lou reflects: “I tend to regard my first fare of the day as a tell, a hint as to what cards the stars might be holding. And right now I suspect it’s a full house of craven meth heads, spit-cupped bigots, shape-shifted aliens, suicide ex-cons, and one-eyed vomiting perverts.” And later: “They are always with me, all my meth heads, plus the guy sniffing his TV dinner, the long-faced farmer covered in grasshoppers, the hundred-year-old man in his hospital gown, the Goth girl, the howling baby, they are all crowded into the back seat of my Town Car like some demented team photo I glimpse, only for a moment, every time I check the rearview.”
What makes all of this so unassailably awesome, beyond its dark comic promise, is that Durkee not only knows these people but he knows how to write about these people. THE LAST TAXI DRIVER is one of those books that embodies one of my personal maxims of literature: the more quotable a book is, the better the book is. And over two readings, I highlighted more than 120 passages that made me laugh to the point of pancreatic rupture. Some of my favorites:
“At what moment do you stop being a taxi driver and start being a getaway driver?”
“Maybe for women it’s obvious early on that life isn’t fair, but men cling to the idea of fairness. We murder and go to prison and hang ourselves over it. Little boys especially worship fairness.”
“We are the poor man’s ambulance, and we are also, sad to say, the poor man’s priest, our cab the confessional in which people litmus-test their wildest fears and prejudices.”
“I felt some jealousy over his capacity to suffer love.”
“Customers are always asking me how cabbies get paid. With a nervous glance to the camera recording my life, I tell them taxis work just like sharecropping used to work.”
“Your main job as a driver in Mississippi is to anticipate stupidity: the door flung open into traffic, the Doberman leaping off the truck bed into your convertible.”
“Never use the turn signals on your monster truck because if you do all the people behind you in traffic will instantly assume you are impotent.”
“Weirdly, having a dick doesn’t make you an awesome driver. I thought I was a fantastic driver until I started driving a cab full time and almost killed dozens of innocent people. The first step to becoming a good driver is to admit you are a bad driver.”
“Don’t take selfies at red lights. It makes you look like a superfreak and is so dispiriting for others to behold it shatters their view of God and humanity and makes them desire an alien invasion.”
“When driving on a college campus assume everybody to be sleepwalking from Ambien overdoses.”
“My theory is that every human being has a human being cowering inside them.” Yes, I decide, she’s right. That’s exactly what Shakespeare did. He created the most fascinating people on earth and then made them grovel for their deaths.”
“You’re not a Mississippian, I guess, unless you’ve spent the long nights of childhood terrified that Satanists are climbing the sides of your house like iguanas toward your bedroom window.”
“William Faulkner is standing on the side of the highway holding a watermelon. As we pass him, our eyes meet, and he gives me the finger.”
“In a town this size you know everyone, or it feels that way, and you also know the rumors and trysts and disgraces attached to each person. You know their most whispered-about moments. You know about her ménage à trois or the time he got caught spying through that bedroom window or the dog she kicked in the eye with her stiletto or the time he called a jazz musician that name and tried to steal his saxophone or how she got a DUI with her kids in the car or what he said about you behind your back. Everybody elicits a response, an emotion, be it lust, hate, fear, envy, admiration, even love. Staring out that buggy windshield, I sit there painting everybody with my misconceptions about them. None of it’s true, not really. Or even if that rumor is true, you still don’t know but a fraction of the story. You weren’t there. You don’t know that chick. You don’t know that dude. Not really. Hell, you barely know yourself.”
If you like these lines and think you might like to find about a hundred more just as good and wise and hilarious and awful and awesome, then THE LAST TAXI DRIVER is your jam. It’s a jam for people who want to hurl your face into a doorjamb for saying “This is my jam.”
It is for Sad-Sack Middle-Aged American White Males, who, God love their Jason Isbell-poisoned hearts, have a dark thread of sweet sad sentimental soul running through the malignant tumor of their malignant maleness, malignent whiteness, malignant American-ness and malignant loser-ness. I’d never want to spend a minute of my life in person in the company of Lou Bishoff. But I like to read about them, because I’m sort of one of them, and I’m the sort of person who would never want to spend a minute of my life in the company of me. And I know that Lou Bishoff, and Lee Durkee, get that. And don’t we all want to be gotten as much in the books we read as the life we lead? (Or not lead?)
OK, well, I do, anyway. I still have something to learn from then, and possibly even from me through them.