Marriage Conflict: Talking as Teammates

31-Day Devotionals for Life

by Steve Hoppe

How we communicate with one another matters—especially in a marriage. Even if we aren't actively trying to cut down our spouses with our words, we can create friction and misunderstandings that hinder our unity and mutual growth. The Bible gives us countless principles to help us to communicate in ways that give life, not pain, to our spouses. In thirty-one daily devotional readings, biblical counselor Steve Hoppe paints a picture of whole new way of communicating, starting with the heart before moving into the practical dos and don'ts. Whether your home is a verbal war zone or you'd simply like to do a little better, this book is written for you. As you read through it with your spouse, meditating on Scripture, praying, and using the practical questions and action steps, you will learn to communicate with Christlike love, grow in holiness, and glorify God with your words.

Genres: Marriage, Christian Living

104 pages, Paperback

Published May 6, 2020

About the author

Steve Hoppe was born in Chicago and educated at the University of Illinois, Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, and Westminster Theological Seminary. He has served in urban ministry for over a decade and is currently a pastor, counselor, author, and speaker with Park Community Church in Chicago. Steve is married to his best friend Abby.

Reviews

[Michael Beck · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great little book with biblical insight that will benefit any Christian marriage. You will find many of the teachings applicable to your marital problems. I highly recommend it!

[Kelton Zacharias · Rating 4 out of 5]

Personally very helpful, and will prove to be useful in ministry.

[Leeann Lower · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t think I needed this book until I started reading it. My husband and I got married a little over a year ago and have a happy marriage. We have our disagreements but I always thought one of our greatest strengths was communication and conflict resolution. We started reading this devotional as a way to grow as a couple and boy are we growing! Within the past few weeks there have been instances where I catch myself “exaggerating” (Day 8 Devo) or “catastrophizing” (Day 10 Devo) with pride typically the root of my response to conflict (Day 1 Devo). Honestly, I’ve been amazed at how many of the daily devotionals have been relevant to me. They’ve helped me learn more about myself and my husband and have already helped us grow in how we respond to conflict. We often read a devotional together at dinner or right before a run and the devotionals reflection prompts have led to such great discussion. I am thankful for this book and would suggest it for any married couples - even those who thought they had it all together like us ;)

[Jeff Hoppa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life, especially during a pandemic, especially during a pandemic with children, is busy. Who has time for another self-help book? Another marriage guide? (Does the thought of it make you cringe? Me too.) Anyone who’s married and struggling through a busy pandemic with children, that’s who. Important to know, this is not a “self-help” book. It’s a Gospel-driven reflection/conversation starter for married people. A pause that couples need to refocus and reflect on what’s truly important. Useful to Christians and open-minded septics/agnostics alike. If you love your spouse and recognize you’re both broken and helpless at least half the time, why not take a chance on this study, together? The help you need isn’t on NetFlix or in that bottle of Pinot (I’ve checked). This perfectly proportioned volume (like Goldilocks’ bed, it’s not too big or too small) will get the conversation going in a constructive direction. (And no, Hoppe’s not a family member, despite the similar surname!)

[Anne-Marie Laberge · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 (I recommand and will refers back to it)

(Reading this as a biblical counselor) I must say I was suprise how the author was able to summarise 31 advices in a 2 pages per day. I was afraid it would be superficial, but no ! Even if some of his exemples seem more extreme than what you are going throught the proposed verses, the reminders, the counsels are EXCELLENT !
I would recommend this book for anyone who is in a relationship, for the principles are useful for all kinds of conflicts and can be applied in every context in which someone wants to "talk as teamates".

(Reading this for myself) Even if I'm not in conflict with my husband, this was useful for all my relationships. Aspects I need to apply in my everyday life some I need to bring back in my marriage as well. Not necessarily life changing, but reminders we always need to go back to. I gave myself the challenge of learning the 31-day by heart ! I hope I'll also be able to keep applying those throughout the year.

[Jake Auton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book to read. Easy daily chapters that take less than 5 minutes each to read. Strong practical advice for any couple to engage in conflict. Emphasizes the point that other larger works make in a practical manner. Marriage can be used by God for sanctification.

[Courtney Lyman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a good study to go through with my husband. It forced us to make time to talk to each other and showed us areas where we're weak and where we're doing well.

[Rob Fidler]

My wife and I are finding this book to be very helpful in understanding our relationship and responsibilities to each other in our marriage. Thank you Steve! We are recommending it to everyone we know who is married.

[Alison Coles · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book's 31 chapters addresses (mainly) our speech when in conflict. Each chapter considers a verse or two of scripture, draws out principles and practices (with helpful examples), and ends with things to consider individually and together, with actions to take. Each chapter is only 2 pages long. The issues it deals with were sometimes worse than we were facing (which was encouraging), but it was still very helpful and has significantly changed the way we relate to each other!

I've given it 4 stars rather than 5 as on a few minor points we disagreed with Hoppe's use of Scripture. But I still highly recommend this book and not only if you're in crisis.

28/3/2021
Still having an impact 2 months later!

[Bruce · Rating 5 out of 5]

Talking as Teammates Book Review

The Biblical Counseling Coalition publishes several 31-Day Devotionals for Life. The structure for each devotional is similar or the same for each one. The topics covered thus far are numerous. They can be found on Amazon and other websites.

My wife and I have used the one on Marriage Conflict-Talking as Teammates by Steve Hoppe in our counseling at our church since one of the most common presenting issues in marriage counseling is communication.

I will use Talking as Teammates to explain the structure of the devotionals. In the case of Talking as Teammates, it is assumed that the couple each gets a copy and does the day separately, then gets together to compare notes.

The days are arranged in categories of varying lengths. Talking as Teammates break down the categories into four. They are:

1. Marriage Conflict Starting Points

This category gets things started and covers three days.

2. Marriage Conflict Pitfalls

This category covers the next eleven days.

3. Marriage Conflict Essentials

This category covers the next fourteen days.

4. Marriage Conflict and Community

This category covers the last three days.

Each day starts with a specific Bible verse that connects with communications or conflict. For example, the verse for day one is Matthew 12:34b:

For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. (Matt.12:34b, ESV)

The book's author then explains the significance of the verse to point to what the Bible means by the heart and to explain to a couple that their issue is more of a heart problem than a communication problem.

After the brief study, there is an application section with three categories.

1. Reflect as a Couple
2. Reflect by Yourself
3. Act

The application section is meant to encourage change from the inside out (heart change) by putting into practice what has just been learned.

In my experience as a biblical counselor, I have found that Talking as Teammates is an excellent first step in helping a couple resolve their issues.

Without learning to communicate using Scriptural principles and commands, the couple will continue a downward spiral of anger, bitterness, and misunderstanding. Submitting their communication to the Word of God is a necessity, not an option.

I usually assign the book a few days at a time and encourage the husband to take the initiative to set up a dedicated time to talk over the conflict/communications Scriptures cited in the day’s study. Many are imperatives which means to disregard is to disobey Jesus (John 14:15).

Although I have not read all the 31-Day Devotionals, the ones I have are excellent, and Steve Hoppe’s Talking as Teammates is no exception. I highly recommend Talking as Teammates by Steve Hoppe.

Scripture: Matthew 12:34
Tags: Communication, Conflict, Marriage

Pastor Bruce Roeder
RGCC Board of Directors, RGCC Training Program, Men’s Blog Contributor
Bruce is an Elder/Pastor at the Vine Community Church in South Milwaukee, WI. He has an M.A. in Biblical Counseling and is certified with the ACBC (Level 2) with the Marriage Specialty. He is married to his wife, Elizabeth of 50 years. They have one son, a wonderful daughter-in-law, and three great grandkids.

If this article has been a blessing to you and you would like to help Reigning Grace Counseling Center reach others with the sufficiency of Scripture in counseling, please give any amount at https://rgcconline.org/donation-page/

[Michelle Mansfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

You think your marriage is doing pretty well until you pick up a book that actually makes you check in with actual prompts bringing you awareness of just what state your marriage is in, or could be. I've always thought my marriage has been rock solid, we get along well, we laugh, and on the surface everyone would say we're doing pretty darn well. No one tells you the importance of tuning into your marriage even if you feel things are "picture perfect". In fact, it's actually the best time to get connected to the health of your marriage. Or any relationship for that matter.

You don't need to have a marriage or partnership in crisis to read this book. You don't have to wait until you're in front of a therapist, barely able to look at one another with zero desire to even fix what has been deteriorating for longer than you'd like to admit. There is never the "right" time to connect to your marriage and be proactive with tools to help you on a daily basis. I loved how each day had I read may not have been my current situation, but connected me to how it could be if I didn't pay attention and be proactive with how I work with my husband. There's a lot of help with acknowledgement & acceptance in this book, which we all need. Release of pride, which we all need with conflict. I also appreciate the gentle approach with each devotional versus the shouting of "YOU NEED TO!" or "YOU MUST OR ELSE!"

I was originally hesitant reading this because I am Jewish. My friend recommended it and stressed, "You don't have to be Christian to read this book." I gave it a chance and am glad I did as regardless of the religion you are, you will find that each of these devotionals can relate to you as simply a human being wanting to cultivate your marriage, partnership, or any relationship. I'm looking forward to sharing this and keeping my copy in hand when I need my annual "tune up" with my husband.

[Kirk Wagenbach · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a friend who knew the communication difficulties my wife and I have had over the course of our ten year marriage. This book could not have come at a better time, as COVID-19 has stressed our marriage to the breaking point. Three young kids at home with schools closed, a young unruly puppy, our businesses struggling due to the shutdown, and a whole lot of frayed nerves... During this stretch, communication has often been non-existant or laced with stress, negativity and over-exaggeration. Both me and my wife have felt deeply misunderstood, disrespected, and unloved. We needed something to help realign our perspectives, and this book is exactly that. The author does a phenomenal job of presenting the big picture concepts that lead to true teamwork and real life giving communication, as well as parsing out 31 daily vignettes of wisdom supported by the bedrock of scripture. We absolutely love this book and have a plan to read from it every day until the extreme stress of this pandemic begins to subside.

[Ingrid French · Rating 5 out of 5]

This couples devotional has been a huge blessing in my life and marriage. The concise daily readings begin with a verse that Steve delves into with his extensive Biblical knowledge. The stories that he shares from both his own marriage and other couple's experiences create concrete examples of issues and problems that so many couples face.
The reflection questions at then end of each daily devotional helped ignite deep conversations between my husband and I and the personal reflection points allowed me to really examine my heart.
The practical call for action at the end of each reading is a wonderful jumping off point for concrete next steps.
The combination of biblical wisdom, spiritual insight, sound advice and practical truths is why I found the book so powerful and inspiring. I'm excited to share it with friends.

[Renee Hulsmann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great devotional for married couples that can be read together or separately! Each devotion is short, concise and easy to read. Very practical and I love how each daily devotion ends with questions to reflect on as a couple and yourself followed by an actionable item which really helps reinforce the key takeaways to build a marriage where husband and wife are “teammates” with God in the center. Also , each chapter highlights real life pitfalls and examples which makes it easy to relate to even if you think your marriage has no issues - there is definitely one you pitfall you can relate to. I also appreciate the authors Biblical application throughout. I highly recommend for any married couples!

[YiLeen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loving this book so far! My husband and I grew up in very different family environments, so understandably, we deal with conflict very differently too! This is the first marriage-specific devotional we've read and I can see this book becoming a super helpful resource for us in the years to come, to remember that we are on the same team.

I like that the daily readings are not too long, yet very thought-provoking. The little box at the end of each day's devotional gives us helpful questions to consider what's going on in our hearts, and I love that they are followed by a team effort sort of action step (to reflect, repent, pray together, etc.) -- something to be intentional about.

Highly recommend this book! Already bought copies for some engaged friends :)

[Sarah Hockemeyer Noble · Rating 5 out of 5]

The timing and subject matter of this book is fantastic. During this season, I desire to have gospel centered resources to turn to that support my marriage and family. Steve provides insight and examples of conflict resolution from many years of counseling. The succinct daily devotions give you a lot to consider whether you are new to this marriage thing or have been blessed by a long union. I enjoy the analogies made “digging to the roots,” as I am an avid gardener. With Steve’s questions and actions at the end of each devotion he prepares you to get to work by loving, listening, reflecting, praying and forgiving. It truly is a Good Read!

[Ntaphanel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I Highly recommend this thirty-one day devotional! I especially appreciate that it is not a quick fix book or a list of does and don’ts. It is far more Biblical and thoughtful!

Talking as Teammates is the perfect subtitle;
using the language of we rather than I/you is a good foundation for communication in any relationship.

Scripture combined with thought provoking questions encourage self examination and confession before pointing out the ‘speck’ in our spouses eye.

Through relatable stories and practical examples Steve draws us to look to Jesus as the source of all we need for our marriages. A must read for married couples of all ages and stages.

[Ericka Oakley · Rating 5 out of 5]

We loved this book because it uses real life stories along with practical "to-dos" that we could take as immediate actions to implement. The daily devos were short, succinct and powerful! My husband loved them because they contained short stories that he could really relate to. Although a short daily read, it didn't take away from the Holy Spirit's power racing through this book, causing you to truly digest and address where you are spiritually. It's a great resource for open, transparent heart surgery both internally & as a couple. There is no way that you will NOT grow from reading this couples devotional together...unless you just don't want to, because it's just that good!

[Hayley Satrom · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would really recommend this devotional to anyone thinking through conflict, not even just married couples. So much wisdom here on handling the themes of conflict God’s way.

Day 25 in the devotional was particularly useful to me, on forgiveness. The author looks at Matthew 18: 21-35 and describes forgiveness in marriage as paying the debt your spouse owes you. The devotional is worth getting for this day’s reflection alone, but anyone would be blessed by the 30 other daily reflections on top of it.

Biblically solid, very readable, great for a couple to go through together. The daily entries are not too long, but packed with a punch, content-wise. 5 stars from me!

[Thomas B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short enough to get through the reading in just a couple minutes each day, but with more than enough to work through before the next day comes. Talking as Teammates is practical, easy to read, and filled with biblical wisdom.

While the theme of this book is conflict, which we experience to varying degrees, it’s really about communication. And we all can learn in this area...within our marriages and across our personal and even professional lives.

This book is deeply rooted in scripture. It gets to the heart of the Gospel and teaches us to love and communicate as Christ did.

Good stuff!

[Bo Cogbill · Rating 4 out of 5]

Talking as Teammates is a great little book filled with good, practical counsel. Each day’s devotional is very short, which is nice, but because the HW/advice in each chapter is so good, I usually encourage couples to spend several days on each one (making it longer than just a 31-day devotional!). Each day takes about three minutes to read, but the implementation will take a lifetime. I plan to revisit this book often, for my own marriage and when counseling others. My only complaint is that the author’s exegesis is a little sloppy, but there is nothing so off that I would even hesitate to encourage every couple I know to pick this up and get to work!

[Steve Grissom · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is simple, yet profound. It is a book that I stumbled upon but one that I will be recommending to all couples that I counsel in the future. Every couple should read this book whether they are newlyweds, been married for 50 years, or just need a tune-up. The gospel-centered principles in this book will be helpful for pitfalls that every couple runs into at some point in their marriage. So, I encourage everyone to read this devotional because it will greatly impact your life and then get a copy for a friend/family member!

[Peter · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wholeheartedly agree with Alison! The issues this book deals with were sometimes not relevant to us at the moment, plus some were worse than we were facing (which was encouraging). However, it was still very helpful, and has significantly changed the way we relate to each other for the better!

I've given it 4 stars rather than 5 (there are a few minor points where we disagreed with Hoppe's use of Scripture). However, I still highly recommend this book as a book that you should buy (and not only if you're in crisis!).

[Daniel Nazario · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a not married man, my take on this book will be a bit different. But after finishing, not only are some (I use the word "some" very specifically) of the concepts universal to all relationships between believers, I am now able to encourage my married brothers in better, specific ways as well as better prepare myself for marriage should I get married one day. Bottom line - Easy to read, filled with actionable truth, and Steve's personable affect makes this a great devo for any couple.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great day by day guide to help communicate with your spouse better. Real-life examples, practical advice, scripture and thought provoking reflection, guide you together to strengthen your marriage. I love the title as marriage is all about being a team and this book is designed to help you become better teammates. The book is not overwhelming, it gives you the perfect amount of content for each devotional and is easy to understand.

[James Sproule · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing resource for couples that want to grow in their relationship with each other. The ability to communicate in marriage is foundational in building a strong and healthy marriage. The devotional masterfully walks couple through 30 days of introspection, team building and action steps. My wife and I will be referring to this book regularly as we navigate challenges and also as we celebrate growth!

[Jameson Cunningham · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a great resource. I had previously read Steve's book, Sipping Saltwater, and this similarly does not disappoint.

For couples looking to move past the bad habits and merry-go-rounds of conflict and fights, Steve provides a 30-day devotional for couples to do *together*. That's they key here--creating an opportunity for couples to learn together and pray together as they work on their marriage.

[Janet Ells · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband and I have been working through a chapter a day for 16 days (there are 31 chapters, meant for couple to spend a month in the book). A few chapters have not been applicable to us (neither of us lose our temper or swear at each other), but most chapters have stirred up good conversations that we probably would not have had without the book. This book is easy to use and is strengthening our marriage.

[Peter Phillips · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent, practical resources for married couples and biblical counselors alike! It's a compact, rich storehouse of biblical wisdom strung across 31 bite-size days of encouragement. I've been spurred on and reminded of so many important, Christ-centered truths, and it has been valuable from a counseling standpoint as a resource. I highly recommend this book! Read it and enjoy the fruit of its counsel!

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Instead of a how-to manual on ways to change our behavior (which only result in temporary change), Hoppe provides keys to heart-level transformation rooted in Christ so that WE change and are thus better spouses. Very convicting. Very well-written. I highly recommend it. A book unlike any other marriage book.