When Someone You Love is Kinky

by Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt

About one out of ten Americans is 'kinky': they may enjoy bondage, dressing in special clothes that turn them on, spanking, erotic role-playing, body modification, or any one of a number of other activities that are outside the sexual mainstream.

And each one of them is surrounded by a constellation of friends, lovers, parents, children and co-workers who may feel frightened, concerned, hurt or bewildered by lifestyles they don't understand.

Now, for anyone who's ever overhead a conversation, glimpsed a toy, or been startled by a tattoo, there's When Someone You Love Is Kinky, a sympathetic and comprehensive handbook for helping you understand the behaviors and lifestyles of the people you care about. Therapist Dossie Easton and writer/sex educator Catherine A. Liszt team up once again to help allay your fears and uncertainties and build bridges of communication that will last a lifetime.

Genres: Sexuality, BDSM, Nonfiction, Relationships, Erotica, Psychology

160 pages, Paperback

First published August 20, 2000

Reviews

[Feles Aerius · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's mostly just a series of letters and not too much information about accepting someone who is kinky into your life. I knew most of this already, The Ethical Slut by same author is something you will learn much more from, this is more of perhaps an addendum to The Ethical Slut

[Steve Cotterill · Rating 4 out of 5]

An approachable book, When Someone You Love is Kinky is a basic primer to alternative sexuality (specifically kink) by Dossie Easton and Catherine A Liszt and serves not to introduce the people involved in this sort of erotic experience but their friends and families. As such it is very gentle, easing the reader into the subject matter, taking the time to debunk myths and to offer reassurance that engaging in kink activities is not a one way ticket to the morgue. Beginning with a basic introduction, which not only talks about the community, but also how we got here, and how the idea that sex is one thing and one thing only (penetrative, foreplay light, man on top etc, etc) came to pass.

They discuss language, and how BDSM has its own specific terms, which may seem baffling to the beginner, or to people outside the community. There's a chapter dedicated to safety, to discussion and negotiation, which while it touches on things like safewords (a concept I fear is so esoteric to the non kinky world as to be almost alien) also dives into limits and safeguards. Age is discussed here, with a strong condemnation of the idea that children be in any way involved in kink, and a note that experience is vital if you want to get involved.

There is a discussion of community and what it means, and of the dangers of being outed to the outside world. While I've never heard of anyone losing their job for being involved in BDSM, but it obviously does happen (and here I am rabbiting on about it), or at least not outside of media and political circles where reputation and honesty were involved (Angus Deyton's sacking from Have I Got News for You springs to mind, where I believe it was felt that being the story yourself was against the nature of the show - Simon Hoggart's departure from the News Quiz was a similar affair, and he had only, well, had an affair). This chapter rounds out with a piece about kids and how much they should know (not much if anything, since you ask).

The book also serves as a chance for the authors to discuss sex negativism and to promote a more positive attitude towards sex, laying out almost a manifesto that supports basic ideas for improving your sex life; grounding it in sex therapy as well as in alternative sexualities and the experiences of the people in them. There's also a large section which tackles what to do if you find out your partner is kinky, and how to handle it. It's thoughtfully and nonjudgmentally laid out.

Most touching are the anonymous letters that pepper the book, letters to parents, to lovers, to friends. Each confides, and explains why the correspondents enjoy the things they do, each is a slice of human experience outside of the norm and brings home that it's human lives and human experiences and that none of this magically renders the people involved into monsters.

[Rachel Jackson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm always interested in sexuality, and when I saw this book recommended online, I was intrigued if only for the candid talk about alternate forms of sexuality. I'd heard of authors Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt before as well-respected sex researchers and was interested in what they had to say that goes beyond of what's considered the norm in our already taboo-filled society. But I was hoping for a little more substance from When Someone You Love Is Kinky rather than a general glossary or cursory "it's okay to react this way" that the book was full of. The authors target the loved ones of so-called "kinky people" as if kink is a taboo on the same scale of homosexuality or some other subversive, less common identity trait that could be subject to discrimination. It felt a little dramatic at times, that people who are interested in colorful sex lives might be in danger or feel unsafe. I'm sure that's true in some cases, but overall it seemed like a weird stance to take, that hiding this part of one's identity is that big of a deal. The language was also strangely chosen, stiffly worded and dull considering the topic—not even clinical or analytical like I would expect from a book that should educate people, but more of a self-help vibe that made it very difficult to read with any sort of interest.

[Anna · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were some helpful things in this book, but I was also really uncomfortable with some of the word choices, though it could be because it is a bit dated.

For example, there was a line that says "Most children can't consent," when of course children can't consent AT ALL. I don't understand why it was phrased that way, but as someone trying to read it from an outsider's perspective, this does not give the kink community a good look at all.

Additionally, there was an entry in the glossary at the back of the book defining bestiality, like it is a valid kink, which it is NOT. Animals also can't consent, and I don't know why they put the term in there at all.

There are lots of nuggets of truth in this book, especially when discussing why people have certain desires, etc, but some of the things like the above described instances tarnish the meaning of the book and further bolster the idea that kinky people are indeed degenerate, which they are not. People who engage in kink are not criminal, as long as it is safe, sane and consensual.

I also did not like how they could have easily used "they" to refer someone of any gender as opposed to flipping between he and she, but again, this was written much earlier. It's a product of its time.

While many of the sections were written with care and compassion for both the kinky person and the vanilla person, I wish there was a more modern type of book like this for modern sensibilities.

[Amoena · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wonder how this was supposed to be helpful? On the other hand, I have no problem with kinks. I mostly read this because I have a friend who has a friend who is into BDSM stuff and she has hard time coping with it. I thought I might be able to offer her something helpful after reading this book. But nothing :/ At least this was a quick read.

[Ferris Mx · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nothing wrong with it - very sensitively written, but not helpful for me. It's more/mostly for the less-open family members of people who have a greater need to display their kink - I guess? Really I have nothing to complain about.

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I borrowed this book for the chapter written to healthcare professionals and was pleased with the detail, useful suggestions and non-judgmental style, even for providers! Shared with my staff. Thank you!

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must own/read for people looking for the words to explain what can be confusing desires to loved ones. I just wish it was longer.

[Artis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great for newbies or the curious.

[Junel Gelacio · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this book is very easily digestible and short enough to consume in one sitting. The only issue I have is that I feel like I've been misled in the title and of course, don't judge a book by its cover, but I really had high hopes for learning more on how to PERFORM KINK with a partner/spouse/etc who may be new to kink or have never been a participant. This book rather goes over on how to destigmatize kink and various forms of sex/eroticism. I think this is a great introductory book for those who may be unfamiliar with the kinky world and want to dip their toes in the water. I did, however, find the letters and excerpts in this book to be incredibly powerful and moving, so that much, I did enjoy. Given the date this was published, a lot of the language is VERY, VERY outdated, but still respectful (for that timeframe). Would not read again, but would /maybe/ recommend to some vanilla people interested.

There were some aspects of the book and some definitions I found very... unappealing and quite concerning? Again with the verbiage, it is VERY dated and the use of transgenderED, transsexual, and transvestite is not used in modern vocabulary. I found some definitions of pedophilia and beastiality/zoophilia very... odd? I like that this book is very PRO-consent (as it should be), but animals and children, in ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, cannot consent, so that was WEIRD.

[Sal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have you ever been surprised by secret confessions about people you are close to, and then, you don't know where to start? Well, the title of the book is quite explicit. In this book, Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy provide a pretty good overview of Kink 101 using very friendly language while remaining professional.

It focuses on demystifying taboos, clarifying and introducing terminology and basic concepts, and mostly welcoming people who are really new to the kink world.

What I really liked is the language that was used; it is such a fun read. It may be too basic for people who have already started their journey into kink; however, it is a very valuable resource for those who have not even done any research. I found it quite helpful to better articulate my interests, to feel more comfortable sharing, and mostly, as a starting point to educate others, and to encourage them to build some empathy.

It is highly recommended for beginners... especially partners.

[Teela Hudak · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent beginner/outsider look at the basic BDSM/kink culture and practices. The authors went above and beyond in their attempts to explain kinky desires in a non-threatening way from different angles. This book also includes several letters the authors collected from the community that are "coming out" letters. This technique helps bring attention to the fear of rejection many kinksters feel about disclosing to their loved ones about their preferences. The writing is accessible and easy to follow, making it a great resource. The only negative critique I have for this book is that some of the descriptions of a typical play scene may be too graphic for some types of readers. Depending on the relationship and family structure, giving this book to a family member could be awkward due to those scene descriptions. Otherwise fantastic book!

[Gushkin Banda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very gentle and thoughtful introduction to kink for non-kinky people.

Includes a section for professionals.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book may be more helpful for people who have no knowledge of kink, but I didn't get a lot out of it.

[Felix]

Gave some good pointers but I'm not the target audience for this book.