In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them

by Stan Tatkin

Break the Cycle: A Comprehensive Guide to Overcome Chronic Relationship Struggles

Few things are more frustrating than repeating the same fight with your partner. Playing out the same disagreement about money, parenting, sex, or household chores may leave you exhausted, cut off from the person you want to feel close to. While conflict in any relationship is inevitable, healing is possible. With In Each Other's Care, Stan Tatkin shares a hands-on repair manual that will help you discover how arguments get triggered, why they keep happening, and what you can do to get better at communicating what you want without the drama.

Drawing on his vast experience as a couples therapist, Tatkin uses the concept of secure functioning―a two-person psychological system of teamwork, full collaboration, and cooperation based on fairness, justice, and mutual sensitivity. This form of unionizing “takes time to learn,” Tatkin says. “And still, the rewards are awesome and make the effort worthwhile. Secure functioning benefits you, your partner, your family, your friends, everything, and everyone.”

Throughout In Each Other’s Care, Tatkin offers targeted lessons, sample dialogues, and heartfelt wisdom. Through this life-changing practice, you will be able to:

• Identify the source of unhappiness in your relationship
• Learn techniques for preventing problems before they occur
• Heal the emotional wounds of the past
• Transform conflict and struggle into win-win outcomes
• Renew broken connections and return to intimacy

Whether you’ve been in a relationship for years or are just beginning the journey, In Each Other’s Care is a wonderfully supportive guide that will show you how to work through even the most contentious topics with compassion and respect.

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Mental Health, Communication, Family

360 pages, Hardcover

Published April 25, 2023

About the author

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.

Reviews

[Ann T · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Stan Tatkin, Sounds True and NetGalley for this ARC.
Relationships often stumble over the same ground and patterns of engagement. In this wonderful book Mr Tatkin encourages a coupling, rather than a stand off. Written with so much wisdom and kindness the reader is encouraged / reminded to embrace the teamship of your coupling and work together in your communication and solutions rather than working against one another.
A beautiful reminder that chose closeness and kindness .

[Ivan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Could be a fun read for the curious – there's plenty of anecdotes and references.
Graduating it into 'hands-on repair manual' would probably be too much. Two biggest reasons being:

1) Applicability is at risk due to the lack of articulated context around the provided examples.

E.g. the "lecturing" bits of conversations (where side A explains the motivation behind their ask) would only be effective if side B is already open to the influence on the topic. That structural openness to influence would make the 'hardness' of the conversation unnecessary in the first place

The importance of that willingness as well as steps of getting there are not getting a lot of real estate

2) Majority of the interaction breakdowns tend to side with one of the partners. This does not help to develop appreciation for considering the interests of both sides at the same time

Sometimes the omission could be spotted by observing the amount of recommendations each one is getting. Sometimes the unfortunate(?) choice of words makes the siding more apparent ("Partner B has the audacity to blame Partner A for ranting")

[Erin Hudson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found most of his advice to be excellent, practical, helpful. Nice to see so many of my own conflicts are actually quite common! I also appreciated how the author dissected couples’ arguments and provided better ways to approach a problem and repair. Will read again soon and take notes.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have mixed feelings reading this. On one hand, I so appreciate his work. It's helped me enormously. I find it reassuring and incredibly validating in terms of what a secure attachment relationship looks like. Reading particular conflicts between couples and what a secure response would be reaffirms why I have left previous relationships, and what I am hoping for in the future.

The book is full of example dialogues for various conflicts. It is helpful how he breaks down the argument step by step and then offers a secure alternative. The secure conversation does strike me as unrealistic in many examples, but I recognize it is a short exchange in which he is trying to demonstrate a point.

I love how he promotes that a relationship is a two person psychological system, and that if one person is feeling upset, the other person should care and want to help bring the other back to safety (aka they will also suffer if not). I also really appreciate his emphasis on the importance of reparation.

I love that he writes about leading with relief, explaining that if a partner is upset, the other partner should aim to bring them back to safety as quickly as possible before offering explanation or asking questions. He explains that from a biological perspective, the dysregulated partner cannot engage in complex conversation until they are regulated/feeling safe. I also like that he promotes staying focused on your partner's face to stay fully attuned to how they are feeling. He does address approaching difficult conversations by asking your partner when is a good time and focusing on one topic and clear goal rather than being accusatory or attacking. However, this is buried within the book in various sections. I would have liked to see an early section in the book covering all of these communication strategies.

He is operating from a stance that couples need to have a mutually agreed upon mission, purpose, and shared principles of governance. I really love that he spells it out so clearly, since it seems so many of us think that good relationships are supposed to just happen, instead of realizing that these are complex unions that require explicit negotiations and agreements. I also love that he explains that agreements exist so that we do the right thing when we don’t want to.

If a relationship is built upon this stance of mutuality and explicit principles, I do see his point about the responsibility for the partner who is allowing negative behaviour. Yett there was a part of me that felt that it was overly simplistic. While he acknowledges how difficult it is to go through a break up and to sever biological attachment, I do think the book could have better named the various causes that can contribute to an individual staying in an unhealthy relationship: emotional abuse leading to reduced self-esteem/sense of agency, systemic oppressions such as less access to financial means in order to leave, fear of repercussions to children (e.g., financially, emotionally, or otherwise), etc. I actually really appreciate Terry Real’s work in this regard, as he names the impact of patriarchy explicitly.

I also felt this lack of systemic awareness when he wrote of feeling aggravated by people having children when they were not in a healthy relationship due to personal reasons which included fertility timelines. I would have preferred if he said that ideally a couple would be in a healthy place before conceiving, but given the systemic realities, often people are not privileged enough to have that be the case. I would have rather seen him be hard on the systems that have resulted in people not being in healthy circumstances, rather than just saying it aggravates him to see people have kids for the wrong reasons. In general, there were many times where I wish an awareness and acknowledgment of systemic oppressions would have been very welcome.

He’s a bit blunt at times. There are moments I find it quite amusing, but also lacking in a compassionate viewpoint. For example, he writes, “A nonbiological partner might have several reasons for not liking the biological partner’s kids. One may be that the children are horrible monsters and nobody would tolerate their behavior” (p. 189). I’ll admit I laughed for a good while at this statement, but also feel he should have stated that any child that is viewed as a monster behaviourally will have reasons and causes.

Here is another example of what I would consider his snark, which I often appreciate: “I will often tell distancing folks who resent intrusion by their loved ones that it’s possible to arrange things so that nobody cares to intrude because nobody longer cares about you. Interdependency, connection, and relatedness are necessary human ‘inconveniences’” (p. 224).

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author explains what seem like fundamental truths to healthy couple relationships which I would have previously been unable to articulate. Very helpful for probably everyone.

[Kristina]

I’m not ready to rate this book. I was excited for this book. It is interesting in that it lists a wide variety of common problems in the index that you can spot-read. For that reason, I did not read every page of this book. There were some informative chapters at the beginning of the book that outline Dr. Tatkin’s research and theory on how to take care of your relationship as your mutual priority. I liked, but didn’t love, this book. It’s very straightforward and matter of fact. I much preferred Wired for Love and even Wired for Dating. After reading three of his books now and listening to some podcasts he appeared on and following him on social media, I’d say his main thrust is for couples to outline the agreed-upon rules for governance (or co-creating a mission statement and agreeing to the terms of the relationship).

[Briann · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author claims this is a book that ignores gender, but Chapter 1’s cartoon drawing opens with a caricature of what could be considered erectile dysfunction. Explain that! Furthermore, I believe the author weakens his entire book by disregarding gender and race. The author likes to talk about how childhood affects our adult attachments (how we feel about money, how we show love, confidence levels, what we prioritize and consider important, etc.). However, the author never talks about how experiences of sexism and racism throughout our lives can bleed into our relationships. How these parts of our identity affect our relationships just as much, if not more so, than our childhoods and potential childhood trauma. In fact, one could argue that childhood cannot be separated from our gender and race. In essence, the author fails to apply an intersectional lens (drawing from feminism) and fails to adequately appreciate the complexity of romantic relationships and how our identities influence these relationships. Therefore, his book and all his claims are weak and poorly made.

Furthermore, I have included a few quotes from the book that I found offensive.

(1) Talking about the effects of COVID - “People are more likely to breathe less often and stay in comfy clothing and have given up the time and effort to look better than natural. Less formal, more natural can also mean less attractive to one’s mate.”

❌ This emphasis on looks frustrated me, especially concerning Covid. Like, who cares if you want to be in comfy clothes during a global pandemic?

(2) “As annoying as it might be to have someone pick on you, remind you, and nag you into proper self-care, telling them it’s none of their affair won’t work under these circumstances – your investor-partner has every right to see their investment cared for properly.”

❌ To call somebody an investment, specifically their body and physical wellbeing, is a dehumanizing statement. It would be different if the author talked about investing in the relationship, but no. He is talking about how one partner has a certain level of control over another partner’s body because it is their investment. Dehumanizing. Inhumane. Cruel.

[Julie Simons · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like this philosophy, though not sure how applicable it is to most couples. The breakdown of the interactions make sense but seem difficult to replicate.That said, the concept & practice of being in each others care is invaluable & can’t be overstated.

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book practical and thought provoking & will endeavor to apply some of the core principles to my marriage.

[Mella Bnuy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life-changing, really. Stan Tatkin digs into the whys and hows of creating a relationship charter for primary relationships, for when the primate brain wants to run a chainsaw through your perfectly good (or not-so-good) marriage.

Stan Tatkin is the developer of 'A Psychobiological Approach to Couple's Therapy'. This book focuses on interdependency rather than co-dependency or individualized thinking in a relationship. It encourages a couple to look within themselves and to appeal to our selfish primate selves in order to create a relationship that we agree is good for both people, rather than one person giving in and harboring resentment. It reminds us that we have needs that other people must fulfill, and there's nothing wrong with that-- in fact, it's incredibly human. This book helped me with my relationship tremendously, and outlines an ideal that made me hopeful for my future. I highly recommend this to all couples.

[Charmin · Rating 4 out of 5]

HIGHLIGHTS:
1. COMPLAINING:
- Say what you know vs. complaining what you DON’T know.
- Embracing the challenge makes work more interesting.

2. RELATIONSHIP REPAIR:
- Make amends for mistakes.
- Offer a behavioral assurance, a “guardrail” to prevent future similar mishaps, and proof of understanding.
- Reliable indicators: visible relief softening of partner's voice and body language.
- repair first, complain later.
- Say “thank you”.
- PROBLEM: No guardrails created for misbehavior.

3. POWER IMBALANCES:
- Agreement of policies
- Dealbreaker identified
- Establish guiding principles

4. POLICIES:
- “Why does this keep happening?” = Things repeat when partners fail to create “policies” on fairness and cooperation.
- Talk about policies when both people are calm and relaxed. Not at the time of upset.
- Make your point and exit.

5. CONFLICT:
- Deflection evades the complaint. It is a deceptive strategy.
- Deflection distracts from the topic and is a refusal to cooperate.
- No relief. Perpetual fights take a toll.
- Corrections: protect the relationship.