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When My Time Comes: Conversations About Whether Those Who Are Dying Should Have the Right to Determine When Life Should End
From Diane Rehm, renowned radio host--one of the most trusted voices in the nation--and best-selling author: a book of candor and compassion, addressing the urgent, hotly contested cause of the Right-to-Die movement, of which she is one of our most inspiring champions.
Soon to be a public television documentary of the same name, featuring the author.
Through interviews with terminally ill patients, and with physicians, ethicists, spouses, relatives, and representatives of those who vigorously oppose the movement, Rehm gives voice to a broad range of people who are personally linked to the realities of medical aid in dying. The book presents the fervent arguments--both for and against--that are propelling the current debates across the nation about whether to adopt laws allowing those who are dying to put an end to their suffering. With characteristic even-handedness, Rehm skillfully shows both sides of the argument, providing the full context for this highly divisive issue.
With a highly personal foreword by John Grisham, When My Time Comes is a response to many misconceptions and misrepresentations of end-of-life care; it is a call to action--and to conscience--and it is an attempt to heal and soothe our hearts, reminding us that death, too, is an integral part of life.
Soon to be a public television documentary of the same name, featuring the author.
Through interviews with terminally ill patients, and with physicians, ethicists, spouses, relatives, and representatives of those who vigorously oppose the movement, Rehm gives voice to a broad range of people who are personally linked to the realities of medical aid in dying. The book presents the fervent arguments--both for and against--that are propelling the current debates across the nation about whether to adopt laws allowing those who are dying to put an end to their suffering. With characteristic even-handedness, Rehm skillfully shows both sides of the argument, providing the full context for this highly divisive issue.
With a highly personal foreword by John Grisham, When My Time Comes is a response to many misconceptions and misrepresentations of end-of-life care; it is a call to action--and to conscience--and it is an attempt to heal and soothe our hearts, reminding us that death, too, is an integral part of life.
240 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 4, 2020
136 people are currently reading
2424 people want to read
About the author
Diane Rehm
11 books48 followersDiane Rehm hosted The Diane Rehm Show, distributed by NPR, from 1979 to 2016, when it had a listening audience of two-and-a-half million. She now hosts a podcast for WAMU-NPR, On My Mind. She lives in Washington, D.C.
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November 10, 2025
Over 25 years ago, I had an Ethics class in college and one of the topics was euthanasia. Now as I'm older and neighbors, friends, and family members are also aging, death with dignity is an interesting topic.
Recently at the library, I checked out four books on death with dignity:
When My Time Comes: Conversations About Whether Those Who Are Dying Should Have the Right to Determine When Life Should End
This Is Assisted Dying: A Doctor's Story of Empowering Patients at the End of Life
That Good Night: Life and Medicine in the Eleventh Hour
The Day I Die: The Untold Story of Assisted Dying in America
A few years ago, I read Amy Bloom's book, In Love: A Memoir of Love and Loss. Bloom's husband chose to die with dignity in Switzerland with an organization called Dignitas. It was the first time I had heard of Dignitas.
Back to When My Time Comes: Conversations About Whether Those Who Are Dying Should Have the Right to Determine When Life Should End...it is a very informative book, and each chapter features an interview with various people and different points of views. Featured interviews include patients, widows of patients, medical professionals, religious leaders, politicians, professors, attorneys, and medical students. The last chapter is an interview with author Diane Rehm's grandson, Ben.
The Foreword is written eloquently by John Grisham and sets the tone for the book.
Some of the things I learned include:
* Nine states (OR, WA, MT, VT, CA, CO, HI, NJ, ME) and Washington, DC have laws that allow the use of medical aid in dying. Based on size of populations, one in five Americans live in a state with right-to-die legislation.
* There are strict requirements before being approved to receive a prescription for medical aid in dying: must have a terminal diagnosis with 6 months or less to live, must be an adult and a resident of the state, must have two physicians' approval, must ask for it in writing and orally, must wait 15 days, must be able to consume the medication on their own, and must be mentally competent.
* One third of those who request medical aid in dying pass away during the 15-day waiting period.
* One third of those who have the prescription do not use it.
* The prescription is several thousand dollars so access to death with dignity is an issue.
* Individuals are not choosing between living and dying. They are choosing between different ways to die when they are near the very end.
* Quality of life in the eyes of a doctor may be very different than quality of life in the eyes of a patient.
* In the US, the right-to-die laws indicate that medications are limited to being taken by mouth. Many terminally ill patients have intestinal, stomach, and swallowing issues which makes oral medication a challenge.
* Canada and Switzerland offer right-to-die medications through an IV.
* The US states that have medically assisted dying have only 0.2% of the population that utilize it.
Very interesting and insightful book with a wide range of perspectives.
Recently at the library, I checked out four books on death with dignity:
When My Time Comes: Conversations About Whether Those Who Are Dying Should Have the Right to Determine When Life Should End
This Is Assisted Dying: A Doctor's Story of Empowering Patients at the End of Life
That Good Night: Life and Medicine in the Eleventh Hour
The Day I Die: The Untold Story of Assisted Dying in America
A few years ago, I read Amy Bloom's book, In Love: A Memoir of Love and Loss. Bloom's husband chose to die with dignity in Switzerland with an organization called Dignitas. It was the first time I had heard of Dignitas.
Back to When My Time Comes: Conversations About Whether Those Who Are Dying Should Have the Right to Determine When Life Should End...it is a very informative book, and each chapter features an interview with various people and different points of views. Featured interviews include patients, widows of patients, medical professionals, religious leaders, politicians, professors, attorneys, and medical students. The last chapter is an interview with author Diane Rehm's grandson, Ben.
The Foreword is written eloquently by John Grisham and sets the tone for the book.
Some of the things I learned include:
* Nine states (OR, WA, MT, VT, CA, CO, HI, NJ, ME) and Washington, DC have laws that allow the use of medical aid in dying. Based on size of populations, one in five Americans live in a state with right-to-die legislation.
* There are strict requirements before being approved to receive a prescription for medical aid in dying: must have a terminal diagnosis with 6 months or less to live, must be an adult and a resident of the state, must have two physicians' approval, must ask for it in writing and orally, must wait 15 days, must be able to consume the medication on their own, and must be mentally competent.
* One third of those who request medical aid in dying pass away during the 15-day waiting period.
* One third of those who have the prescription do not use it.
* The prescription is several thousand dollars so access to death with dignity is an issue.
* Individuals are not choosing between living and dying. They are choosing between different ways to die when they are near the very end.
* Quality of life in the eyes of a doctor may be very different than quality of life in the eyes of a patient.
* In the US, the right-to-die laws indicate that medications are limited to being taken by mouth. Many terminally ill patients have intestinal, stomach, and swallowing issues which makes oral medication a challenge.
* Canada and Switzerland offer right-to-die medications through an IV.
* The US states that have medically assisted dying have only 0.2% of the population that utilize it.
Very interesting and insightful book with a wide range of perspectives.
October 31, 2022
WHEN MY TIME COMES
Diane Rehm
I don't think anybody has ever said it better or with more grace. I am in complete agreement and would go further than terminal illness unless you are going to reconsider the definition of that word. I think if someone is so very unhappy that they want to leave this world they should be assisted, surrounded by loving family, and sent on their way by their own hand.
Why shouldn't mental health also be considered a terminal illness?
5 stars
Happy Reading!
Diane Rehm
I don't think anybody has ever said it better or with more grace. I am in complete agreement and would go further than terminal illness unless you are going to reconsider the definition of that word. I think if someone is so very unhappy that they want to leave this world they should be assisted, surrounded by loving family, and sent on their way by their own hand.
Why shouldn't mental health also be considered a terminal illness?
5 stars
Happy Reading!
January 24, 2025
First: I want to acknowledge my bias. This book didn't change my life and didn't change my view on medically assisted end of life. For the record, I am pro medical-assistance and access to medical-assistance. (and in general have extremely liberal views to a humane, effective, "affordable" aka free, and accessible right to life and therefore healthcare)
Second: this book was an important read for me. It provided a fairly rounded approach to the pros, cons, law, current status, and beliefs around end of life assistance. I would recommend this to people who are interested in the topic for a loved one, for themselves. Everyone dies and this was not only food for thought but provided an informational structure on how to broach this topic with a family member, executor, medical provider - all essential to the right to life.
Listening to Diane Rehm is always a balance. Her spasmodic dysphonia and the relation it has regarding listening to this audiobook has several factors for me:
A) despite a vocal disorder, it is incredible she has been able to make, continue and have a successful audio-based career
B) in most part, her approach to research, journalism, and interviews is unique and unmatched (not to say the best, but she is at a level all her own)
C) with an audio disorder myself, listening to her read was very difficult. I was able to enjoy and complete this audiobook at 1.35x speed. This did affect the natural flow of speech for interviewees and their cadence/pitch/authenticity. This usually bothers me, but I was so hell-bent on experiencing this book and research I had to figure it out.
ALL THAT CONSIDERED
-Diane frequently addresses her own bias throughout the book as an advocate and her own desire for DNR/end of life care/choice to choose. This is transparent and made clear.
-not officially counting, retrospectively interviews did weigh heavily toward the pro. Both pro, con, and measured approach were included in the interviews and research
-I personally encountered ideas and considerations I had not thought about before. The Linguistics, the mental gymnastics, the religious navigation, the mental health factor, the law, medical commitment and duty, the racial (and potential racial) impact to demographics healthcare traditionally underserves. Etc etc. This turned out to be incredibly important to me while I listened.
I want to highlight two pieces of media I recently digested with the law aspect of something related:
THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL
Spoiler alert: an old woman dies, and there is an executor of her will. Over the course of this womans life there were addendum and exceptions and updates and changes to her living will. With the last addition over-writing something previous.
SEINFELD - THE COMEBACK (S8, EP 13)
Kramer watches a movie where a woman quickly enters a coma - and then does not finish the movie as he became highly concerned about his end of life wishes and living will. Through the course of the episode, Kramer determines an executor, meets with a lawyer and outlines verrrrrry specific conditions Kramer decides are factors to DNR. When he finally views the end of the movie, hes changed his mind completely about those stipulations.
- - - the idea that there is room to choose and to change your mind is heavily considered in this book. In quite a few interviews Diane encounters this idea of both documentation and choice, with the Acknowledgements being an interview between Diane and a grandson - she asks him to record her living will (which she also provides to many other family members).
Some facts I learned:
1- Not every individual patient-requested, provider-prescribed end of life treatment happens. 1/3rd (as of the book) of people in Oregon do not even use the medication and instead decide to approach death and the speed of their body's condition.
2- there are two provider approvals needed in order to prescribe
3- the providers are required to speak directly to the patient without a family member in order to determine if there is undue influence
4- the medication/method is not 100% immediately effective, and can take an unexpected amount of time from 1hr to weeks.
This book didn't change my life.
It enriched it.
Second: this book was an important read for me. It provided a fairly rounded approach to the pros, cons, law, current status, and beliefs around end of life assistance. I would recommend this to people who are interested in the topic for a loved one, for themselves. Everyone dies and this was not only food for thought but provided an informational structure on how to broach this topic with a family member, executor, medical provider - all essential to the right to life.
Listening to Diane Rehm is always a balance. Her spasmodic dysphonia and the relation it has regarding listening to this audiobook has several factors for me:
A) despite a vocal disorder, it is incredible she has been able to make, continue and have a successful audio-based career
B) in most part, her approach to research, journalism, and interviews is unique and unmatched (not to say the best, but she is at a level all her own)
C) with an audio disorder myself, listening to her read was very difficult. I was able to enjoy and complete this audiobook at 1.35x speed. This did affect the natural flow of speech for interviewees and their cadence/pitch/authenticity. This usually bothers me, but I was so hell-bent on experiencing this book and research I had to figure it out.
ALL THAT CONSIDERED
-Diane frequently addresses her own bias throughout the book as an advocate and her own desire for DNR/end of life care/choice to choose. This is transparent and made clear.
-not officially counting, retrospectively interviews did weigh heavily toward the pro. Both pro, con, and measured approach were included in the interviews and research
-I personally encountered ideas and considerations I had not thought about before. The Linguistics, the mental gymnastics, the religious navigation, the mental health factor, the law, medical commitment and duty, the racial (and potential racial) impact to demographics healthcare traditionally underserves. Etc etc. This turned out to be incredibly important to me while I listened.
I want to highlight two pieces of media I recently digested with the law aspect of something related:
THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL
Spoiler alert: an old woman dies, and there is an executor of her will. Over the course of this womans life there were addendum and exceptions and updates and changes to her living will. With the last addition over-writing something previous.
SEINFELD - THE COMEBACK (S8, EP 13)
Kramer watches a movie where a woman quickly enters a coma - and then does not finish the movie as he became highly concerned about his end of life wishes and living will. Through the course of the episode, Kramer determines an executor, meets with a lawyer and outlines verrrrrry specific conditions Kramer decides are factors to DNR. When he finally views the end of the movie, hes changed his mind completely about those stipulations.
- - - the idea that there is room to choose and to change your mind is heavily considered in this book. In quite a few interviews Diane encounters this idea of both documentation and choice, with the Acknowledgements being an interview between Diane and a grandson - she asks him to record her living will (which she also provides to many other family members).
Some facts I learned:
1- Not every individual patient-requested, provider-prescribed end of life treatment happens. 1/3rd (as of the book) of people in Oregon do not even use the medication and instead decide to approach death and the speed of their body's condition.
2- there are two provider approvals needed in order to prescribe
3- the providers are required to speak directly to the patient without a family member in order to determine if there is undue influence
4- the medication/method is not 100% immediately effective, and can take an unexpected amount of time from 1hr to weeks.
This book didn't change my life.
It enriched it.
October 4, 2020
I've been listening to NPR for almost 30 years and it was there that I first heard The Diane Rehm Show and quickly became a fan of this intelligent and charming woman. I've had my eye on a couple of her earlier books (Finding My Voice and On My Own), but it wasn't until I spotted her latest release of When My Time Comes that I decided it was time to finally read one of her books. I downloaded the audiobook and was quickly engrossed in the interviews. Rehm discusses the subject of death with dignity (also known as medical aid in dying) with two dozen individuals, handling the interviews with compassion and empathy, even with those with whom she disagrees. Her emotions are true and her kindness authentic as she speaks with family members who describe the intimate details of their loved ones' final days. She asks personal questions, yet doesn't probe gratuitously. She is one class act.
Five years ago, I read Being Mortal, Atul Gawande's eye-opening book on the elderly, nursing homes and death. His exploration of how we treat our aging parents was a valuable lesson and one that shaped not only my mother's future, but also mine and my husband's. We moved from Lincoln, Nebraska to the Oregon Coast in 2017 after my husband retired. With her blessing, we decided to move in with my mom (who was 84 at the time), thus allowing her to remain in her beautiful home, near her friends and community. Like Gawande's bestseller, Diane Rehm's book has given me a lot to think about with regard to aging and end of life choices. Rehm asks each interviewee what they believe is a good death and I would like to think that my father and stepfather (both of whom died of cancer) died the way they wished, surrounded by family, in their own homes, under the care of Hospice. That is my wish, as well.
As I listened to the book, I kept wanting to highlight specific passages to discuss with my husband, so a print copy is on order. However, I'm glad I listened to the audiobook, which reminded me of Rehm's radio show. I'm anxious to tune in to her podcast, On My Mind, as well as view the documentary based on this new book, which will be available for viewing in January 2021. When My Time Comes and Being Mortal would be great companion reads, leading to deep discussions on how we feel about the final chapters of our lives. Highly recommend!
Note to self: When asked which celebrity or famous person in history I would choose to have at a dinner party, don't forget to include Diane Rehm!
Five years ago, I read Being Mortal, Atul Gawande's eye-opening book on the elderly, nursing homes and death. His exploration of how we treat our aging parents was a valuable lesson and one that shaped not only my mother's future, but also mine and my husband's. We moved from Lincoln, Nebraska to the Oregon Coast in 2017 after my husband retired. With her blessing, we decided to move in with my mom (who was 84 at the time), thus allowing her to remain in her beautiful home, near her friends and community. Like Gawande's bestseller, Diane Rehm's book has given me a lot to think about with regard to aging and end of life choices. Rehm asks each interviewee what they believe is a good death and I would like to think that my father and stepfather (both of whom died of cancer) died the way they wished, surrounded by family, in their own homes, under the care of Hospice. That is my wish, as well.
As I listened to the book, I kept wanting to highlight specific passages to discuss with my husband, so a print copy is on order. However, I'm glad I listened to the audiobook, which reminded me of Rehm's radio show. I'm anxious to tune in to her podcast, On My Mind, as well as view the documentary based on this new book, which will be available for viewing in January 2021. When My Time Comes and Being Mortal would be great companion reads, leading to deep discussions on how we feel about the final chapters of our lives. Highly recommend!
Note to self: When asked which celebrity or famous person in history I would choose to have at a dinner party, don't forget to include Diane Rehm!
August 7, 2020
Wow, this is a fascinating book. I am 100% in favor of medical aid in dying, and it was interesting to have the process demystified somewhat. I was prepared to be enraged by the Catholic objections to the practice (the priest's verbal gymnastics to justify denying someone their last rites confirmed ALL my beliefs about their cruelty) but was taken aback by the objections of the Black reverend-- not because they were offensive but because they make sense, and because I hadn't thought of them before. Why should Black Americans trust that our medical system won't find a way to use medical aid in dying as another way to dispense harmful, racist malpractice? SO interesting.
Diane Rehn remains just the best. I love, btw, that she remarried at 80. The GOAT.
Diane Rehn remains just the best. I love, btw, that she remarried at 80. The GOAT.
March 5, 2020
This is not a book you can pick up and read from start to finish. At least not for me. I had to read a chapter or two, put it down and think about it for a while before reading more.
This is a very controversial topic, assisted dying. I think we can all agree that we don't want heroic measures at the end; don't let me exist on a respirator if there's no chance of recovery, ect. but actually assisting someone in taking their own life?
I appreciated that, even though her views are very clear on this issue, she interviewed two people who are adamantly opposed to this.
I realize this isn't suicide in the sense that most of us think of suicide, but as a Christian who believes that God is the one who determines when life is over, this is a hard concept. Of course, I've never had to face this issue with anyone in my family yet, and it's illegal in my state anyway.
The main thing I didn't care for was the interview format. It makes it a bit harder to read but I'm glad I read this. It gives me a lot to think about.
This is a very controversial topic, assisted dying. I think we can all agree that we don't want heroic measures at the end; don't let me exist on a respirator if there's no chance of recovery, ect. but actually assisting someone in taking their own life?
I appreciated that, even though her views are very clear on this issue, she interviewed two people who are adamantly opposed to this.
I realize this isn't suicide in the sense that most of us think of suicide, but as a Christian who believes that God is the one who determines when life is over, this is a hard concept. Of course, I've never had to face this issue with anyone in my family yet, and it's illegal in my state anyway.
The main thing I didn't care for was the interview format. It makes it a bit harder to read but I'm glad I read this. It gives me a lot to think about.
May 2, 2022
EXCELLENT book for end of life decisions. How to make your decisions known and UNDERSTOOD by those around you. This helped me to make it very clear what I want done if it comes down to these decisions.I have placed this book with my emergency info. It also help with discussions that you need to have.
Read
February 20, 2020What a fascinating book about a hard topic. Using her trademark kind, direct, compassionate style, Diane Rehm interviewed many people on both sides of the 'medical aid in dying' discussion. The book is basically a series of interview transcripts with doctors and other leaders, and patients and families of former patients. The last 'interview' is the transcript of a video recording Diane did with her grandson where she describes her wishes for when her time comes. The book has given me much to think about. Apparently it will also soon be a public television documentary. It should generate plenty of open discussion - always a good thing.
March 28, 2020
Between 3 & 4 stars. The foreword by John Grisham left a sour taste in my mouth with his callous way of discussing people who have died by suicide, so I’d skip that. Physician assisted death is a topic I find really interesting and Diane Rehm is a big proponent of it after seeing her husband die by starvation since he did not live in a state that had legalized assisted death. So it makes sense that a vast majority of the interviews are with people who share her belief—clinicians, patients, chaplains, widows and widowers. She has a few conservations with people who disagree, but I wish she had at least one conversation with someone who is disabled and disagrees. Multiple times it is referenced that there are people in the disabled community who oppose physician assisted death out of concern that it could be forced on them. With so many references to that, I think it would have been nice to hear from someone with that perspective. Otherwise, a good introduction to exploring this topic.
March 18, 2020
Really good book on a tough subject. Written in a format of interviews the author has with patients, proponents and opponents of the medical aid in dying movement. Covers both sides very well, although the author is very much an advocate for medical aid in dying.
Read
January 26, 2023I appreciated this thoughtful, balanced collection of interviews on medically assisted dying. Commendably, she included at least one interview with a Black leader who opposes medically assisted dying, which is an essential perspective, given the existence and prevalence of medical racism. Although, like so many books on this subject, it would have benefited from including more disabled voices.
I give credit for including the perspectives of at least one person who advocated for the inherent worth and dignity of disabled lives, but still: Nothing About Us Without Us.
The final chapter is the transcript of a conversation Rehm had with her grandson, in which she states her desire for a good death and articulates what that means to her. One line stuck out to me - "We will know when the time comes, when it's so close that I can no longer be of use to myself, to you, to society." (my emphasis). I understand what she means, and I sympathize wholeheartedly. But people don't have to be "of use to society." People are intrinsically valuable.
The strongest arguments in favor of legalizing medically assisted dying are those based on the principle of bodily autonomy. These conversations are important but they must consider society and culture as a whole; we can't debate this issue in a vacuum. We live in a society rife with racism, ableism, elder abuse, and poverty. "A good death" will never be available to all unless these evils are eradicated.
I give credit for including the perspectives of at least one person who advocated for the inherent worth and dignity of disabled lives, but still: Nothing About Us Without Us.
The final chapter is the transcript of a conversation Rehm had with her grandson, in which she states her desire for a good death and articulates what that means to her. One line stuck out to me - "We will know when the time comes, when it's so close that I can no longer be of use to myself, to you, to society." (my emphasis). I understand what she means, and I sympathize wholeheartedly. But people don't have to be "of use to society." People are intrinsically valuable.
The strongest arguments in favor of legalizing medically assisted dying are those based on the principle of bodily autonomy. These conversations are important but they must consider society and culture as a whole; we can't debate this issue in a vacuum. We live in a society rife with racism, ableism, elder abuse, and poverty. "A good death" will never be available to all unless these evils are eradicated.
July 3, 2023
Lots to think about. However, I tend to agree that you can’t support this if you don’t support the death penalty (which I don’t). Diane’s main argument throughout the book is that it’s horrible to leave someone in “intractable pain” at the end. Better to let them die on their own terms. However, it is revealed towards the end of the book that pain is at best fifth, and probably sixth on the list of reasons people choose assisted suicide/medical aid in dying. What those main reasons are is never addressed. She’s certainly articulate but I’m inclined to believe most, if not all, of her argument is a straw man.
May 22, 2021
This would have been so much better if the author didn't repeat her personal view and its basis over and over in every segment. I respect and understand her opinion. However, at least a quarter of the book was a repeat of the first chapter as she merged her story, again and again, into the stories of the folks she interviewed.
February 20, 2022
Clarifications regarding terms of end of life situations, including; medical aid in dying, VSED (voluntary stopping of eating and drinking,) hospice and palliative care. Diane Rehm, whose husband dies at 54 years of age, goes the path of VSED, since medical aid in dying wasn't available to him. Diane sets out to interview researchers, patients, doctors and care givers in the hopes of clarifying the nuanced choices folks have determining how their life should end. Thoughtful and informative.
May 14, 2023
This book reads in podcast form.
August 15, 2024
First of all, if you recognize the name Diane Rehm than cool 20+ bonus points to you fellow NPR listener!
Medically assisted dying is a sensitive subject that you can see both sides of the argument. Personally I think if it comes time to when my quality of life is no longer viable than I think I would pursue medically assisted dying. Come into this book with an open mind and gravitas it deserves, read or listen (audiobook) a few chapters than absorb the info and move forward with more chapters until you complete the book.
Which side will you choose?
Medically assisted dying is a sensitive subject that you can see both sides of the argument. Personally I think if it comes time to when my quality of life is no longer viable than I think I would pursue medically assisted dying. Come into this book with an open mind and gravitas it deserves, read or listen (audiobook) a few chapters than absorb the info and move forward with more chapters until you complete the book.
Which side will you choose?
August 7, 2025
End of life is such an important thing to be discussed. I love that the author included multiple perspectives on dying with dignity.
April 28, 2021
Barbara Coombs Lee (President, Compassionate Choices): She was a lawyer who was one of the three top petitioners who filed the Oregon Death with Dignity Act in 1994, which was not fully adopted until 2006. John F. Kennedy said, “My mother died surrounded by her friends and her family and her books. She did it in her own way and on her own terms. And we all feel lucky for that.” Dying in America is a terrible mess. We torture people with treatments that are futile and enormously burdensome, robbing them of the precious quality of their remaining days, robbing them of the time they would otherwise want to devote to the priorities of their lives, the legacy of memories they would like to leave their loved ones. We concentrate on extending the absolute duration of life irrespective of how dismal and degraded and burdensome the quality of that life might be. 40% of people have an ICU admission in the last thirty days of life. Finish strong in a way that a way that aligns with your priorities. Live your last precious months or weeks according to the things that give you the most joy. If you are asked to make decisions when I cannot, know this above all: my values. We must learn to ask, when any test or treatment is proposed, how efficacious it is, how many have had their lives extended by this treatment. Extended by how much? At what cost? What are the burdens of this treatment? How much time does it take? How will I feel afterward? Will I be able to do the things I enjoy? We don’t realize that it may be futile and it may be robbing us of our quality of life and our precious time.
Lori Wallace-Pushinaitis (terminal cancer patient) & Dr. Catherine Sonquist Forest: Lori has the BRCA gene from her mom and got breast cancer at the age of 39. Lori: all my life I have been a control freak. But it doesn’t work with cancer. However, now I can control how I die. In hospice I was trained to go ahead and turn up the mediation for my AIDS patients to ease suffering, knowing that it would hasten death. I ask questions about what a patient wants to do, what kinds of goals she might have, would treatment keep you from being with your kids. Developing a prognosis is not an exact science, but giving people a sense of how much time they have is liberating. They can live the life that they have. Before 1950, most people died suddenly. The age that most people lived to was around 60 or 70, and people would die of a stroke or heart attack or an accident or infection. What’s happened now, is that people die slowly.
Christina Puchalski (Palliative care physician): A physician who supported palliative care and works with the Vatican and Pope. I am concerned that in this society and in other countries where euthanasia is legal, I wonder what that says about our respect for life, for quality of life, for caring for people. When my patients request it, I ask them why, and what their concerns are. The concerns are, first, pain management, and symptom management. Palliative care can manage that. Are we giving a message that when you get to that point, there’s not a lot of opportunity for meaning and purpose and joy? If people were open to mystery and to the unknown, so many wonderful things might happen. One of the main reasons for the request for aid in dying or euthanasia is actually spiritual or existential distress. Chaplains and other spiritual care professionals can help alleviate that kind of distress. I haven’t met a single colleague who feels totally comfortable with aid in dying. I think another answer is to honor that time, to sit and listen and to train people to be present, to support families, to understand that the path isn’t easy. I was raised by a family who gave the experience of loving life and valuing life and seeing the good in both suffering and joy, and that’s accepting life. To be able to honor life in all its dimensions and not to have anyone feel that somehow they’re less valuable because they are homeless or because they’re dying or because they have their diapers changed or they can’t stand up anymore, or walk or speak or think clearly. We don’t always know what we want, and this gets back to our generation of wanting to control everything. What you say today, what I say today, may not be what we say when we are facing our deaths. There is freedom when people let go of these plans and such joy that can come into their lives. I would love for us to just be present in the moment to everybody, and to ourselves in particular. And be open to where our lives may turn.
Dan Diaz (widower of Brittany Maynard): Brittany (brain tumor) moved from California to Oregon in order to take advantage of the aid in dying act there. You can cry because it is over or smile because it happened.
Martha Kay Nelson (director of spiritual care): I know people have a hard time having these conversations, particularly early on, before they’re even sick. And then they get sick and it’s crisis time, and those decisions have to be made quickly. What do you say when a patient comes to you? My initial response as a chaplain would be one of curiosity. I’d be interested in learning more about their thoughts and why they’re asking. Death Cafes are a forum for people to have conversations about dying. I also think reaching children is important. I think that in our death-denying culture, children are really shielded from all things involved with death. You’re keeping them from something that is integral to life for all of us.
Heather Massey (death educator): Instrumental in bringing death cafes to Massachusetts. It’s an important part of life that has been hidden for so long. Death now happens generally in a hospital of facility, or behind closed doors. We don’t interact with the dying, and so it’s unfamiliar. I think that’s where the fear comes from: death just doesn’t seem normal. Only a few decades ago, Grandpa used to die at home, and the family cared for him and maybe his body afterward. We’ve hidden ourselves from death. Talking about death can be a life-affirming exercise.
Rev. William Lamar (African Methodist Episcopal Church): There are things that persons of African descent in America have to worry about. He needs guarantees that people would be treated fairly, equitably, and humanely. A good death to him would be to be surrounded by those I love, to feel like, hopefully, prayerfully, that I had fulfilled much of my purpose for being alive and to be able as much as possible, to make decisions that resonate with who I am at the time of death.
Dr. Roger Kligler (supporter medical aid in dying): He has prostate cancer and gets a radical prostatectomy as treatment. I believe in patient autonomy. The patient is the boss of his or her own decision making, and that’s the way it works most of the time. Death is not an enemy, death is inevitable, and to be afraid of what’s inevitable will blind you from living the life you should be living. And physicians need to realize this. I would tell patients that my goal was not to keep them living forever, but to try to keep them as healthy as possible. I am 66-years-old and feel as though I’m having this wonderful experience of living a second life. I call it my gift of cancer, that I’ve been able to go past the fact that I’m going to die, and to appreciate my life much more. If I die after all my years, that’s not a tragedy. The world isn’t made for us to be here in it. The world will go on without us, and we need to accept that. Once you accept that, life becomes much more beautiful.
Stella Dawson-Klein (widow of Mary Klein): Mary developed ovarian cancer and was instrumental in the passage of medical aid in dying in the Washington DC area. A good death is a loving death, and to be able to live to the fullest and live to the very end, to be able to live each moment. Death is part of living and it’s a difficult journey, but the more we make it a part of our lives, the more joyful a journey it is.
Dr. Katalin Roth (Mary Klein’s doctor): There was a registry for doctors who were willing to give prescriptions for medical aid in dying, but that was taken down. She met Mary because her physician referred her to Dr. Roth. It’s really hard for physicians to talk about death with patients. And some people really need to talk about what’s in store for them and what they are experiencing. Good death would be fairly private at the end, but not alone, if I could help it.
Mary Cheh (professor constitutional law): She felt like it was the right moment to bring the medical aid in dying forward, the health chair of the committee asked her to wait and she did for ten years. The terminal medical condition is listed on the death certificate, not assisted suicide.
Eric Luedtke (delegate, Maryland): He was a junior high teacher and then went into legislation. His mom had esophageal cancer and suffered much at the end. Before she died he did NOT support medical aid in dying, but he did afterward. He was concerned about normalizing suicide. Public opinion is shifting nationwide.
Alexa Fraser (death with dignity supporter): She was diagnosed with uterine cancer. She also cared for her dad (who had Parkinson’s) who attempted suicide twice before being successful the third time. She was the oldest person in a class on death with dignity and a younger student said it was important for her generation. Her response: you’ve opted out? It’s really worth remembering that none of us gets out of here alive.
Father John Tuohey (Roman Catholic Priest): We are creatures. We have a Creator who creates life and does not take life. Part of that created order is that there is a natural way that we die and return to our creator. And so as his creatures, we shouldn’t take control over the process but let it unfold as nature would have it. The Catholic approach is that there’s a difference between doing something that directly causes a person’s death, and dying as a result of something that we’re doing to try to help the person. If you had decided on medical aid in dying and were a Catholic and you wanted to be anointed (of the sick), you could be anointed, but you wouldn’t receive the last rites, because they carry the sacrament of reconciliation. With regard to Oregon expanding it’s law (to other populations): Most voters supported it because of the limits to it, then yes you have broken a promise because as a voter it didn’t go that far, and I can’t change my vote now. Catholics oppose the action but will not make a judgment upon the person (patient) who does it.
William “Bill” Roberts (terminal cancer patient/friend of authors): He was a chemist and program manager of nuclear weapons at Rocky Flats Plant. He had prostate cancer and ended up dying without taking the end of life drugs.
Dr. Lonny Shavelson (Director of Bay Area, end of Life Options): His medical practice is devoted to aid in dying requests. His mom had severe Crohn’s and began asking him to help her die when he was 12 years old. When they say that they can take care of anybody’s end-of-life situation and make it as comfortable as the patient wants, they cannot be right, because nothing is effective all the time. There is a new way of doing medicine, which is to listen to the patient. Access to medical care is unevenly distributed in all aspects throughout our state. When someone receives a terminal diagnosis, they wait to see how sick they get. The 15-day waiting period is the problem as many patients die during it. He is a proponent of the doctor being there, helping if needed, and eventually getting laws passed to have it be through IV meds.
Deborah Gatzek Kratter (attorney at law/Dr. Shavelson’s patient): She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and immediately found a doctor who would help her. She is on her second round of chemotherapy (which has caused several bones to break in her feet, she also has neuropathy). The most common red line is wearing diapers, but after pooping in bed without diapers for a couple of days, they’re so grateful to have those diapers. This is what we call the moving the line in the sand. The question is what is that real line in the sand that patient’s won’t cross? The cost is $2600 for their end of life services.
Dr.David Grube (lecture to 2nd year medical students): The first thing to remember is that the annual mortality rate does not change. I think that it is important to remind ourselves that death is not the enemy – we’re all going to die. The enemy is terminal suffering. Just having the conversation about aid in dying is palliative in and of itself. Most people do not choose aid in dying because of extreme pain. We take care of people, we never abandon them. We honor their choices. It’s not about us, it’s about them. I teach first year students because you have the most open minds about choices and options.
Four Students (at lecture, above): There is a growing movement in the U.S. A challenge will be what to do with patients who have a cognitive decline. This isn’t about me, this is about your journey, and you can ask me any questions you want, but this is not something I can decide for you.
Dr. William Toffler (National Director Compassionate Care): It’s an organization dedicated to giving the best of care at the end of life, and affirming the ethic that all human life is inherently valuable. Barbara was a school bus driver whose cancer had returned. Her insurance said they would not pay for the chemo but they would pay for her euthanasia. Euthanasia doctors are like being the lawyer, judge, and executioner all in one. There is always someone who gains from their death. We don’t really know if the patient took the meds themselves because doctors are not there 84% of the time. There has never been any investigation of any of the assisted suicides in the sate of Oregon because they don’t have the funding.
Allen Christopher Carmicheal (Horticulture, widower of Terry Stein) & Dr. Stephanie Marquet (Terry’s physician): Terry had cognitive impairment (beginning dementia) and bladder cancer. The law required Dr. Marquet to talk to Terry alone before she approved him for aid in dying.
The Honorable Selwa “Lucky” Roosevelt (chief of protocol Reagan administration): Her mother developed dementia and that was devastating to her. Her doctor is not very receptive to what she wants for end of life.
Benjamin Zide (Diane’s grandson): She meets with him and explains what she wants for end of life care. She has him take a video of her speaking her wishes; he sends it to her immediate family. If there is no reasonable expectation of my recovery from mental or physical disability, I request I be allowed to die and not be kept alive by artificial means and heroic measures. I ask that medication be mercifully administered to me for terminal suffering, even if it hastens the moment of my death. I hope that you will feel morally bound to act in accordance with this urgent request.
Lori Wallace-Pushinaitis (terminal cancer patient) & Dr. Catherine Sonquist Forest: Lori has the BRCA gene from her mom and got breast cancer at the age of 39. Lori: all my life I have been a control freak. But it doesn’t work with cancer. However, now I can control how I die. In hospice I was trained to go ahead and turn up the mediation for my AIDS patients to ease suffering, knowing that it would hasten death. I ask questions about what a patient wants to do, what kinds of goals she might have, would treatment keep you from being with your kids. Developing a prognosis is not an exact science, but giving people a sense of how much time they have is liberating. They can live the life that they have. Before 1950, most people died suddenly. The age that most people lived to was around 60 or 70, and people would die of a stroke or heart attack or an accident or infection. What’s happened now, is that people die slowly.
Christina Puchalski (Palliative care physician): A physician who supported palliative care and works with the Vatican and Pope. I am concerned that in this society and in other countries where euthanasia is legal, I wonder what that says about our respect for life, for quality of life, for caring for people. When my patients request it, I ask them why, and what their concerns are. The concerns are, first, pain management, and symptom management. Palliative care can manage that. Are we giving a message that when you get to that point, there’s not a lot of opportunity for meaning and purpose and joy? If people were open to mystery and to the unknown, so many wonderful things might happen. One of the main reasons for the request for aid in dying or euthanasia is actually spiritual or existential distress. Chaplains and other spiritual care professionals can help alleviate that kind of distress. I haven’t met a single colleague who feels totally comfortable with aid in dying. I think another answer is to honor that time, to sit and listen and to train people to be present, to support families, to understand that the path isn’t easy. I was raised by a family who gave the experience of loving life and valuing life and seeing the good in both suffering and joy, and that’s accepting life. To be able to honor life in all its dimensions and not to have anyone feel that somehow they’re less valuable because they are homeless or because they’re dying or because they have their diapers changed or they can’t stand up anymore, or walk or speak or think clearly. We don’t always know what we want, and this gets back to our generation of wanting to control everything. What you say today, what I say today, may not be what we say when we are facing our deaths. There is freedom when people let go of these plans and such joy that can come into their lives. I would love for us to just be present in the moment to everybody, and to ourselves in particular. And be open to where our lives may turn.
Dan Diaz (widower of Brittany Maynard): Brittany (brain tumor) moved from California to Oregon in order to take advantage of the aid in dying act there. You can cry because it is over or smile because it happened.
Martha Kay Nelson (director of spiritual care): I know people have a hard time having these conversations, particularly early on, before they’re even sick. And then they get sick and it’s crisis time, and those decisions have to be made quickly. What do you say when a patient comes to you? My initial response as a chaplain would be one of curiosity. I’d be interested in learning more about their thoughts and why they’re asking. Death Cafes are a forum for people to have conversations about dying. I also think reaching children is important. I think that in our death-denying culture, children are really shielded from all things involved with death. You’re keeping them from something that is integral to life for all of us.
Heather Massey (death educator): Instrumental in bringing death cafes to Massachusetts. It’s an important part of life that has been hidden for so long. Death now happens generally in a hospital of facility, or behind closed doors. We don’t interact with the dying, and so it’s unfamiliar. I think that’s where the fear comes from: death just doesn’t seem normal. Only a few decades ago, Grandpa used to die at home, and the family cared for him and maybe his body afterward. We’ve hidden ourselves from death. Talking about death can be a life-affirming exercise.
Rev. William Lamar (African Methodist Episcopal Church): There are things that persons of African descent in America have to worry about. He needs guarantees that people would be treated fairly, equitably, and humanely. A good death to him would be to be surrounded by those I love, to feel like, hopefully, prayerfully, that I had fulfilled much of my purpose for being alive and to be able as much as possible, to make decisions that resonate with who I am at the time of death.
Dr. Roger Kligler (supporter medical aid in dying): He has prostate cancer and gets a radical prostatectomy as treatment. I believe in patient autonomy. The patient is the boss of his or her own decision making, and that’s the way it works most of the time. Death is not an enemy, death is inevitable, and to be afraid of what’s inevitable will blind you from living the life you should be living. And physicians need to realize this. I would tell patients that my goal was not to keep them living forever, but to try to keep them as healthy as possible. I am 66-years-old and feel as though I’m having this wonderful experience of living a second life. I call it my gift of cancer, that I’ve been able to go past the fact that I’m going to die, and to appreciate my life much more. If I die after all my years, that’s not a tragedy. The world isn’t made for us to be here in it. The world will go on without us, and we need to accept that. Once you accept that, life becomes much more beautiful.
Stella Dawson-Klein (widow of Mary Klein): Mary developed ovarian cancer and was instrumental in the passage of medical aid in dying in the Washington DC area. A good death is a loving death, and to be able to live to the fullest and live to the very end, to be able to live each moment. Death is part of living and it’s a difficult journey, but the more we make it a part of our lives, the more joyful a journey it is.
Dr. Katalin Roth (Mary Klein’s doctor): There was a registry for doctors who were willing to give prescriptions for medical aid in dying, but that was taken down. She met Mary because her physician referred her to Dr. Roth. It’s really hard for physicians to talk about death with patients. And some people really need to talk about what’s in store for them and what they are experiencing. Good death would be fairly private at the end, but not alone, if I could help it.
Mary Cheh (professor constitutional law): She felt like it was the right moment to bring the medical aid in dying forward, the health chair of the committee asked her to wait and she did for ten years. The terminal medical condition is listed on the death certificate, not assisted suicide.
Eric Luedtke (delegate, Maryland): He was a junior high teacher and then went into legislation. His mom had esophageal cancer and suffered much at the end. Before she died he did NOT support medical aid in dying, but he did afterward. He was concerned about normalizing suicide. Public opinion is shifting nationwide.
Alexa Fraser (death with dignity supporter): She was diagnosed with uterine cancer. She also cared for her dad (who had Parkinson’s) who attempted suicide twice before being successful the third time. She was the oldest person in a class on death with dignity and a younger student said it was important for her generation. Her response: you’ve opted out? It’s really worth remembering that none of us gets out of here alive.
Father John Tuohey (Roman Catholic Priest): We are creatures. We have a Creator who creates life and does not take life. Part of that created order is that there is a natural way that we die and return to our creator. And so as his creatures, we shouldn’t take control over the process but let it unfold as nature would have it. The Catholic approach is that there’s a difference between doing something that directly causes a person’s death, and dying as a result of something that we’re doing to try to help the person. If you had decided on medical aid in dying and were a Catholic and you wanted to be anointed (of the sick), you could be anointed, but you wouldn’t receive the last rites, because they carry the sacrament of reconciliation. With regard to Oregon expanding it’s law (to other populations): Most voters supported it because of the limits to it, then yes you have broken a promise because as a voter it didn’t go that far, and I can’t change my vote now. Catholics oppose the action but will not make a judgment upon the person (patient) who does it.
William “Bill” Roberts (terminal cancer patient/friend of authors): He was a chemist and program manager of nuclear weapons at Rocky Flats Plant. He had prostate cancer and ended up dying without taking the end of life drugs.
Dr. Lonny Shavelson (Director of Bay Area, end of Life Options): His medical practice is devoted to aid in dying requests. His mom had severe Crohn’s and began asking him to help her die when he was 12 years old. When they say that they can take care of anybody’s end-of-life situation and make it as comfortable as the patient wants, they cannot be right, because nothing is effective all the time. There is a new way of doing medicine, which is to listen to the patient. Access to medical care is unevenly distributed in all aspects throughout our state. When someone receives a terminal diagnosis, they wait to see how sick they get. The 15-day waiting period is the problem as many patients die during it. He is a proponent of the doctor being there, helping if needed, and eventually getting laws passed to have it be through IV meds.
Deborah Gatzek Kratter (attorney at law/Dr. Shavelson’s patient): She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and immediately found a doctor who would help her. She is on her second round of chemotherapy (which has caused several bones to break in her feet, she also has neuropathy). The most common red line is wearing diapers, but after pooping in bed without diapers for a couple of days, they’re so grateful to have those diapers. This is what we call the moving the line in the sand. The question is what is that real line in the sand that patient’s won’t cross? The cost is $2600 for their end of life services.
Dr.David Grube (lecture to 2nd year medical students): The first thing to remember is that the annual mortality rate does not change. I think that it is important to remind ourselves that death is not the enemy – we’re all going to die. The enemy is terminal suffering. Just having the conversation about aid in dying is palliative in and of itself. Most people do not choose aid in dying because of extreme pain. We take care of people, we never abandon them. We honor their choices. It’s not about us, it’s about them. I teach first year students because you have the most open minds about choices and options.
Four Students (at lecture, above): There is a growing movement in the U.S. A challenge will be what to do with patients who have a cognitive decline. This isn’t about me, this is about your journey, and you can ask me any questions you want, but this is not something I can decide for you.
Dr. William Toffler (National Director Compassionate Care): It’s an organization dedicated to giving the best of care at the end of life, and affirming the ethic that all human life is inherently valuable. Barbara was a school bus driver whose cancer had returned. Her insurance said they would not pay for the chemo but they would pay for her euthanasia. Euthanasia doctors are like being the lawyer, judge, and executioner all in one. There is always someone who gains from their death. We don’t really know if the patient took the meds themselves because doctors are not there 84% of the time. There has never been any investigation of any of the assisted suicides in the sate of Oregon because they don’t have the funding.
Allen Christopher Carmicheal (Horticulture, widower of Terry Stein) & Dr. Stephanie Marquet (Terry’s physician): Terry had cognitive impairment (beginning dementia) and bladder cancer. The law required Dr. Marquet to talk to Terry alone before she approved him for aid in dying.
The Honorable Selwa “Lucky” Roosevelt (chief of protocol Reagan administration): Her mother developed dementia and that was devastating to her. Her doctor is not very receptive to what she wants for end of life.
Benjamin Zide (Diane’s grandson): She meets with him and explains what she wants for end of life care. She has him take a video of her speaking her wishes; he sends it to her immediate family. If there is no reasonable expectation of my recovery from mental or physical disability, I request I be allowed to die and not be kept alive by artificial means and heroic measures. I ask that medication be mercifully administered to me for terminal suffering, even if it hastens the moment of my death. I hope that you will feel morally bound to act in accordance with this urgent request.
August 18, 2022
This book should be required reading for anyone who is a caregiver or who is facing a terminal diagnosis. It is even-keeled without being overtly opinionated, and presents a variety of opinions on the topic of medical aid in dying: pro and contra; patient and caregiver; medicine and religion. It’s incredibly well thought-out and thoughtful without being preachy. Rehm’s own experience does factor in, but not in a way that overshadows every other opinion. Everyone should read it, but especially those who are in a position to face their own mortality or that of a person close to them.
April 5, 2022
I read this a few years ago but forgot to add it to my good reads. It came to mind as I finished Amy Blooms memoir “In Love” today. I highly recommend both books.
March 14, 2020
Very interesting discussions of end of life options.
January 25, 2020
I received this as part of a GoodReads giveaway.
So, I’ve always enjoyed listening to Diane’s interviews when she was doing her radio show. And I remember hearing about how her husband hastened his death by not eating or drinking and it was a long process. As medical assisted dying laws are passed by more states, this book does a nice job of laying out multiple opinions on the matter from people on both sides of the argument, from family members of people who have chosen this option, from organizational leaders, and doctors. This book is really set up like an interview, so I am curious how it would work as an audiobook, as reading the interview form wasn’t my favorite. It will be interesting to see as more doctors are trained in medical school of this option, if perceptions will change in the medical field.
As an aside, the forward of this book by John Grisham was problematic. He made some statements about the issue that I thought were somewhat loaded and actually turned me off to the book before digging into the actual text of the book.
So, I’ve always enjoyed listening to Diane’s interviews when she was doing her radio show. And I remember hearing about how her husband hastened his death by not eating or drinking and it was a long process. As medical assisted dying laws are passed by more states, this book does a nice job of laying out multiple opinions on the matter from people on both sides of the argument, from family members of people who have chosen this option, from organizational leaders, and doctors. This book is really set up like an interview, so I am curious how it would work as an audiobook, as reading the interview form wasn’t my favorite. It will be interesting to see as more doctors are trained in medical school of this option, if perceptions will change in the medical field.
As an aside, the forward of this book by John Grisham was problematic. He made some statements about the issue that I thought were somewhat loaded and actually turned me off to the book before digging into the actual text of the book.
April 20, 2020
“Mercy, In The End Mercy”
“It’s Non-judgmental Apposition”
Important conversation and very realistic. I like the flow of the conversations which were emotional.
The topic is very touching and one that have been ignored in recent years maybe as part of the new era. People should have the right to call it in. That’s the real autonomy for me.
I really loved the question “what’s a good death mean for you?” However, that has some implication. Mainly, we don’t got to choose when to die. If some people got to choose to die with their families and just by sleeping as baby after overdosing, no one will get up every morning after having a headache or a stomach ache.
I would really love to die a sleep when my time come with no medical intervention. Avoiding all the dignity loss, believing I have good joy in this wonderful life as a person and a human being.
I’m fascinated by the idea of Café Mortel “death café” since my early childhood, I’ve suppressed ideas about death. I tried many times talking to my family about but unfortunately each time they have been ignored. We as a society consider death as a shameful thing to talk about instead of being part of the normal life cycle and that’s really annoying me. Even, now a days in my early 20s, I feel everyone is ready to talk about anything (even boring weather) But death.
However, the opposing ideas haven’t been presented well by real people opposing to the idea of life end choose. I mean not just religion people but people with philosophical or ethical views in this issue. Therefore, I think some bias was introduced.
I have real question about the opposing movement; is there any opposing claim not derived from a religion pointofview?
“It’s Non-judgmental Apposition”
Important conversation and very realistic. I like the flow of the conversations which were emotional.
The topic is very touching and one that have been ignored in recent years maybe as part of the new era. People should have the right to call it in. That’s the real autonomy for me.
I really loved the question “what’s a good death mean for you?” However, that has some implication. Mainly, we don’t got to choose when to die. If some people got to choose to die with their families and just by sleeping as baby after overdosing, no one will get up every morning after having a headache or a stomach ache.
I would really love to die a sleep when my time come with no medical intervention. Avoiding all the dignity loss, believing I have good joy in this wonderful life as a person and a human being.
I’m fascinated by the idea of Café Mortel “death café” since my early childhood, I’ve suppressed ideas about death. I tried many times talking to my family about but unfortunately each time they have been ignored. We as a society consider death as a shameful thing to talk about instead of being part of the normal life cycle and that’s really annoying me. Even, now a days in my early 20s, I feel everyone is ready to talk about anything (even boring weather) But death.
However, the opposing ideas haven’t been presented well by real people opposing to the idea of life end choose. I mean not just religion people but people with philosophical or ethical views in this issue. Therefore, I think some bias was introduced.
I have real question about the opposing movement; is there any opposing claim not derived from a religion pointofview?
May 31, 2021
I choose this book for our book discussion this month for our Hospice staff and volunteers.
This is a topic that has never been brought up for discussion during my 8 years as a Hospice volunteer. I think the time has come for us who are dealing with death and dying patients.
But facing another's death is not the same as facing our own death. This takes much courage and reflection.
In this age of making fast decisions, and then pushing everything aside, we are stuck in our own dilemmas.
We, myself included believe our death is not coming anytime soon. As I celebrated my 79th birthday this month, I realize that I am now definitely in the fast lane and each moment of every day is precious. And yet, I regress. I don't talk about this possibility with my family.
Being with Hospice people makes it a little easier and still most of the time the topic is about the patients that I am visiting.
Diane Rehm's in her book: "When My Time Comes" gives us a good overview on how to prepare ourselves and let the significant people in our lives know what we wish to happen at the end of our life.
Most of us want it to be a quick death, so that there is no fanfare and things will go smoothly. This is most likely not going to happen. So, one needs to prepare oneself and the person(s) who we have given the power to stand by us during these difficult times.
At the end of the book, you might have not made a decision about asking for aid in medical dying and in your state this might not be possible. But, you can talk about alternative ways in aid in dying like hospice and palliative care. Engage in the conversation, learn about your rights and make decisions when you are not forced to or unable to.
This is a topic that has never been brought up for discussion during my 8 years as a Hospice volunteer. I think the time has come for us who are dealing with death and dying patients.
But facing another's death is not the same as facing our own death. This takes much courage and reflection.
In this age of making fast decisions, and then pushing everything aside, we are stuck in our own dilemmas.
We, myself included believe our death is not coming anytime soon. As I celebrated my 79th birthday this month, I realize that I am now definitely in the fast lane and each moment of every day is precious. And yet, I regress. I don't talk about this possibility with my family.
Being with Hospice people makes it a little easier and still most of the time the topic is about the patients that I am visiting.
Diane Rehm's in her book: "When My Time Comes" gives us a good overview on how to prepare ourselves and let the significant people in our lives know what we wish to happen at the end of our life.
Most of us want it to be a quick death, so that there is no fanfare and things will go smoothly. This is most likely not going to happen. So, one needs to prepare oneself and the person(s) who we have given the power to stand by us during these difficult times.
At the end of the book, you might have not made a decision about asking for aid in medical dying and in your state this might not be possible. But, you can talk about alternative ways in aid in dying like hospice and palliative care. Engage in the conversation, learn about your rights and make decisions when you are not forced to or unable to.
September 12, 2022
Everyone picks up a book with one or more biases at play. There is no denying that. Seeing this book right now felt like perfect timing for me. Last year had me facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant followed by open-heart surgery that was quite complicated. This year, my mother died after a fall coupled with the return of one of her cancers plus metastasis to the brain. She made the very lucid decision to enter hospice-refusing food & drink (minus the few sips of Labatt's Blue on her 3rd day of hospice) to end her life. I say that all to say that death has been on my mind for quite some time.
Diane Rehm put this book together with her own bias explicitly told-she believes everyone should have the right to die with assistance an dignity. The book is literal conversations between Rehm and various people regarding the topic of Medical Aid In Dying and not all are for it. Each chapter is a conversation about Medical Aid in Dying, ranging from priests to spouses of those who have had assisted deaths, to those facing death. Each chapter has the reader/listener thinking about the topic of assisted death, death with dignity, and death planning. For example, do we believe that we have the right to have an assisted death or not because of our own religion? Do we know what our optimal death situation is?
If nothing else, this book is a must-read because it drives home the point that we all need to make our wishes known to those who will be there with us near and at the end. This is a conversation most of us likely have not had with family or friends, but there is so much value in having the conversation now while we can.
I highly recommend this book for anyone who might die someday.
Diane Rehm put this book together with her own bias explicitly told-she believes everyone should have the right to die with assistance an dignity. The book is literal conversations between Rehm and various people regarding the topic of Medical Aid In Dying and not all are for it. Each chapter is a conversation about Medical Aid in Dying, ranging from priests to spouses of those who have had assisted deaths, to those facing death. Each chapter has the reader/listener thinking about the topic of assisted death, death with dignity, and death planning. For example, do we believe that we have the right to have an assisted death or not because of our own religion? Do we know what our optimal death situation is?
If nothing else, this book is a must-read because it drives home the point that we all need to make our wishes known to those who will be there with us near and at the end. This is a conversation most of us likely have not had with family or friends, but there is so much value in having the conversation now while we can.
I highly recommend this book for anyone who might die someday.
January 16, 2023
I did not expect to enjoy this book as much as I did.
The advocates of aid in dying often tend to become a little too preachy for my taste (and even though I myself am a supporter of having aid in dying in place, this is a bit offputting). I like that Diane Rehm gives opponents of aid in dying an opportunity to address their concerns in their own words. I think that the form of an interview is very conducive to making the book a deep and honest conversation, rather than a sermon. I like that tough and ambiguous issues are addressed and discussed openly and honestly: the questions of personal autonomy, cooperation of a doctor and a patient, and an issue of agency in the face of death and illness. The book presents a richness of answers to many of those questions rather than one particular approach.
I also really loved the way Ms Rehm conversed with her heroes, she really shines as a radio host, and it was a pleasure to listen to her insightful questions. Even though she tends to grill opponents of aid in dying much more thoroughly than the proponents of it (which, probably, is the only thing I did not like about the book), she does so in a respectful and calm manner and really wishes to get to the bottom of what her interviewees are saying.
I also admire that while this book is very personal, the personal story of the author (or any of the heroes — that is, again, thanks to how good of an interviewer Ms Rehm is) does not overshadow the bigger story she is trying to tell.
I think this is a very good gateway to aid in dying and very well serves the purpose to educate the reader about aid in dying, and lay out the issues and concerns raised by the changing ways of dying in general.
The advocates of aid in dying often tend to become a little too preachy for my taste (and even though I myself am a supporter of having aid in dying in place, this is a bit offputting). I like that Diane Rehm gives opponents of aid in dying an opportunity to address their concerns in their own words. I think that the form of an interview is very conducive to making the book a deep and honest conversation, rather than a sermon. I like that tough and ambiguous issues are addressed and discussed openly and honestly: the questions of personal autonomy, cooperation of a doctor and a patient, and an issue of agency in the face of death and illness. The book presents a richness of answers to many of those questions rather than one particular approach.
I also really loved the way Ms Rehm conversed with her heroes, she really shines as a radio host, and it was a pleasure to listen to her insightful questions. Even though she tends to grill opponents of aid in dying much more thoroughly than the proponents of it (which, probably, is the only thing I did not like about the book), she does so in a respectful and calm manner and really wishes to get to the bottom of what her interviewees are saying.
I also admire that while this book is very personal, the personal story of the author (or any of the heroes — that is, again, thanks to how good of an interviewer Ms Rehm is) does not overshadow the bigger story she is trying to tell.
I think this is a very good gateway to aid in dying and very well serves the purpose to educate the reader about aid in dying, and lay out the issues and concerns raised by the changing ways of dying in general.
February 5, 2023
I have strong opinions on the subject matter (physician aid in dying), but I read this book from a neutral stance. I appreciated that the interviewer included conversations with people from several different walks of life and with multiple opinions on the subject, including terminal patients, cured patients, supporting physicians, opposing physicians, religious leaders, survivors and surviving family members, and her own family. It was a moving and informational book. I enjoyed the conversational and personal feel as well as the information presented, from all sides of this argument. I recommend this book to anyone who thinks they may die someday…. Not because I want to sway any one person in any one way, but rather because the conversation is viewed as taboo or scary, and ripping off the bandaid, if you will, to know options and share your feelings one way or the other is so so vital. As someone in healthcare, clarity in personal needs and desires in treatment options, care plants and end of life care is helpful and provides dignity.
Read this book, if for no other reason, than to help break the ice on the difficult conversation of personal options and decisions in lifelong healthcare.
Read this book, if for no other reason, than to help break the ice on the difficult conversation of personal options and decisions in lifelong healthcare.
December 3, 2020
At first, the interview format of this book took some getting used to, but once I was accustomed to it I appreciated the conversational nature of each chapter. Rehm demonstrates her legendary skills in drawing interviewees into deep consideration of the questions at hand while also allowing their "ordinary" humanity and concrete experience to shine through. I appreciated the diverse range of perspectives she encountered on the issue of aid-in-dying, and the care she takes in differentiating it from ways in which it has been falsely represented. The exploration of viewpoints, often on grounds of religious beliefs and concern about manipulation or coercion, opposed to aid-in-dying is balanced and fair. I also appreciated the perspective of a few interviewees who spoke of the issue in terms of broader social and economic inequities in access to quality medical care in general, not only in terms of end-of-life care. For those willing to engage in the complicated, emotional, and difficult conversation about terminal illnesses and end-of-life decision making, and seeking to do so in a more informed and deeper fashion, this is a helpful book.
May 6, 2020
Diane Rehm takes a look at a hard subject that most of us don't really want to think about or discuss. Having watched her husband make difficult choices about the manner of his death, Diane is an ardent supporter of a person's right to die on their own terms.
This book is comprised of interviews with individuals who are either dying, have lost someone, are religious leaders, or doctors. Two interviews really stuck with me.
Brittany Maynard's (Google her) husband Dan Diaz spoke lovingly of his wife. His words let the reader see her spirit, love for life, courage, and the promises he made to her.
The other interview was with a doctor. I can honestly say that I hope to never have such a person as my doctor. He is staunchly Catholic and his religious beliefs guide his decisions as a doctor to the point of losing compassion for his patients. He also comes across as all-knowing and arrogant.
The subject matter is complicated, multi-layered, and brings up new perspectives that will stay with this reader for a long time.
This book is comprised of interviews with individuals who are either dying, have lost someone, are religious leaders, or doctors. Two interviews really stuck with me.
Brittany Maynard's (Google her) husband Dan Diaz spoke lovingly of his wife. His words let the reader see her spirit, love for life, courage, and the promises he made to her.
The other interview was with a doctor. I can honestly say that I hope to never have such a person as my doctor. He is staunchly Catholic and his religious beliefs guide his decisions as a doctor to the point of losing compassion for his patients. He also comes across as all-knowing and arrogant.
The subject matter is complicated, multi-layered, and brings up new perspectives that will stay with this reader for a long time.
February 13, 2020
This book gave me a ton to think about. It’s an unusual book for me to pickup, but something intrigued me. I have long thought about medical assistance in death, perhaps because of my educational background — so many of the ideas weren’t new to me. But those ideas which were new were very thought provoking. I haven’t highlighted this much while reading a book in a long time. But I did not like some of the author’s questions, I found them quite repetitive (but I suppose they were originally made for stand alone interviews... not a series of these interviews). The author is clear from the outset, but the author didn’t even attempt to appear neutral on the subject, either.
Otherwise, I enjoyed the author’s contextualization of interview subjects, which occurred at the beginning of each chapter. This act seemed to convey a common sense of humanity and attachment to life.
Lastly, I wish this book was less centred on the laws of the United States.
Otherwise, I enjoyed the author’s contextualization of interview subjects, which occurred at the beginning of each chapter. This act seemed to convey a common sense of humanity and attachment to life.
Lastly, I wish this book was less centred on the laws of the United States.
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