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Questioning Faith
Why does God care who I sleep with?
Christians are increasingly seen as outdated, restrictive and judgmental when it comes to sex before marriage, cohabitation and homosexuality. In fact for many people, this issue is one of the biggest barriers for them considering Christianity.
Sam Allberry, author of many books including Is God Anti-gay sets out God’s good design for the expression of human sexuality, showing that God himself is love and that only he can satisfy our deepest desires.
It is a great reminder of the Bible’s positive blueprint for love, sex and marriage and ideal for giving away to people who may see this as a stumbling block for belief.
Sam Allberry, author of many books including Is God Anti-gay sets out God’s good design for the expression of human sexuality, showing that God himself is love and that only he can satisfy our deepest desires.
It is a great reminder of the Bible’s positive blueprint for love, sex and marriage and ideal for giving away to people who may see this as a stumbling block for belief.
147 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 1, 2020
119 people are currently reading
1091 people want to read
About the author
Sam Allberry
33 books311 followersSam comes from Sevenoaks in Kent, but studied theology at Wycliffe Hall in Oxford, and has since worked at St Ebbe's Church, Oxford, and now serves at a church in Maidenhead. Hobbies include reading, watching The West Wing and anything to do with South-East Asia.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 126 reviews
November 5, 2019
My endorsement:
“This book is characteristic Sam Allberry: punchy and profound, humorous and clear, faithful and compelling. It’s remarkably timely, too. For the Bible’s sexual ethic, rightly understood and embodied, is not just true; it’s beautiful. And, contrary to popular belief, it’s good news for the whole world. Sam shows us why.”
“This book is characteristic Sam Allberry: punchy and profound, humorous and clear, faithful and compelling. It’s remarkably timely, too. For the Bible’s sexual ethic, rightly understood and embodied, is not just true; it’s beautiful. And, contrary to popular belief, it’s good news for the whole world. Sam shows us why.”
January 12, 2021
The fact that Sam Allberry is an unmarried, celibate Christian and yet has written such a profound book on sex and sexuality is extraordinary. This just goes to show that experience isn't all it's choked up to be when it comes to issues of sex and who can educate the church about it.
He approaches the topic with compassion and deep understanding whilst also making God the center of it all. Really beautiful.
He approaches the topic with compassion and deep understanding whilst also making God the center of it all. Really beautiful.
May 1, 2022
Allberry smashes it again in a great examining of Christian sexual ethics geared towards non-Christians curious about the Christian stance on sex and homosexuality. Will definitely be quoting bits of it with non-Christian mates asking about my views long into the future :D
If you're a believer looking for something on this, I'd recommend Purposeful Sexuality by Ed Shaw as it's more aimed at believers, but equally as well-written.
If you're a believer looking for something on this, I'd recommend Purposeful Sexuality by Ed Shaw as it's more aimed at believers, but equally as well-written.
September 10, 2025
One of the best books I’ve ever read on sin
“He cares because sex is his idea not ours”
“If human life is sacred to God, then the process by which new human life is produced also going to be sacred. That’s how significant we human beings are.”
“It’s not to say that every part of life is as bad as it could be, it’s just that no part is as good as it should be… We don’t need better behavior, first and foremost we need new hearts”
And that’s just a few quotes, I think everyone should read this book, no matter if you have or haven’t successfully waited for marriage, worth to read for everyone
“He cares because sex is his idea not ours”
“If human life is sacred to God, then the process by which new human life is produced also going to be sacred. That’s how significant we human beings are.”
“It’s not to say that every part of life is as bad as it could be, it’s just that no part is as good as it should be… We don’t need better behavior, first and foremost we need new hearts”
And that’s just a few quotes, I think everyone should read this book, no matter if you have or haven’t successfully waited for marriage, worth to read for everyone
April 11, 2020
Why does God care who I sleep with?
It’s a valid question. There are so many other big issues—war, poverty, famine, environmental disasters—why does God care so strongly about this personal and seemingly insignificant (on a global scale) issue?
Sam Allberry begins his short book with two prominent cultural examples—the #MeToo movement and the exposing of sexual abuse/coverup within USA Gymnastics. The point is that, even in the secular world, there is great concern about appropriate sexuality.
Unfortunately—despite the rest of the good the book does—that implicit identification of consensual premarital, polyamorous, or same-sex sexual behavior with non-consensual sexual behavior isn’t a good introduction and colors the rest of what Allberry has to say. I don’t see that as being his intent, but it sets the wrong tone for an inclusive, honest, and kind conversation.
From a theological perspective, Allberry manages to be succinct, yet comprehensive. He gives a good, foundational overview but never really discusses challenges to that perspective. Overall, while this is a good book for those who already know the answer to the question in the title, I don’t know that those honestly seeking answers will find it compelling. It’s a clearly written, concise exposition of evangelical Christian sexual ethics.
The central theme—that one’s sexuality is to be brought into obedience with God’s will—is presented as the end-all, be-all conclusion of the matter. That can be a difficult proposition, particularly when the book does not deal with any alternative interpretations. It seems to be written for those who already have a conviction regarding their sexual behaviors but want or need to flesh out their theological reasoning for such.
That’s not inherently bad. Maybe I simply had the wrong expectations in wanting more. This is an exposition or explanation of Christian sexual ethics, but it is not necessarily written to be persuasive or to discuss the variety of opinion and discussion within Christianity. What it does, it does well. I just question whether or not it does enough.
It’s a valid question. There are so many other big issues—war, poverty, famine, environmental disasters—why does God care so strongly about this personal and seemingly insignificant (on a global scale) issue?
Sam Allberry begins his short book with two prominent cultural examples—the #MeToo movement and the exposing of sexual abuse/coverup within USA Gymnastics. The point is that, even in the secular world, there is great concern about appropriate sexuality.
Unfortunately—despite the rest of the good the book does—that implicit identification of consensual premarital, polyamorous, or same-sex sexual behavior with non-consensual sexual behavior isn’t a good introduction and colors the rest of what Allberry has to say. I don’t see that as being his intent, but it sets the wrong tone for an inclusive, honest, and kind conversation.
From a theological perspective, Allberry manages to be succinct, yet comprehensive. He gives a good, foundational overview but never really discusses challenges to that perspective. Overall, while this is a good book for those who already know the answer to the question in the title, I don’t know that those honestly seeking answers will find it compelling. It’s a clearly written, concise exposition of evangelical Christian sexual ethics.
The central theme—that one’s sexuality is to be brought into obedience with God’s will—is presented as the end-all, be-all conclusion of the matter. That can be a difficult proposition, particularly when the book does not deal with any alternative interpretations. It seems to be written for those who already have a conviction regarding their sexual behaviors but want or need to flesh out their theological reasoning for such.
That’s not inherently bad. Maybe I simply had the wrong expectations in wanting more. This is an exposition or explanation of Christian sexual ethics, but it is not necessarily written to be persuasive or to discuss the variety of opinion and discussion within Christianity. What it does, it does well. I just question whether or not it does enough.
March 14, 2021
I don’t dislike the book. I don’t love it either. I just wasn’t engaged. At times it could be a bit dry. I’m a huge fan of Sam Alberry and this doesn’t take away from that. It could have been me. I did love how recent and relevant his examples were.
February 11, 2020
A nice clear explanation of Christian sexual ethics.
April 24, 2025
The writer shows the fallacy of thinking of sex as merely a bodily activity. It is well-written and concise.
January 25, 2021
Sam Allberry's book is a good introduction to the Bible's sexual ethics that presents God's intention for human sexuality in a positive, beautiful, engaging way. However, Allberry's protestant evangelical commitments are short-sided and do not do justice to the fullness of Catholic Christianity. For example, there is no mention of the problematic nature of artificial birth control (Which was condemned by Pope Paul VI and the entire Christian tradition before him) and how it leads to Christian couples lying with their bodies and making a false promise. Evangelical protestants have a lot to learn from the Catholic tradition concerning sexual ethics, especially Pope John Paul II's theology of the body. Protestants need to learn that if they want to continue to maintain that homosexuality is against God's intention and Natural Law, then they must also be against birth control. For those interested in a popular level Catholic perspective on sexual ethics, see Christopher West's work.
May 12, 2025
A humble, biblical, culturally-pertinent but culturally-sensitive read. Allberry demonstrates how Jesus’ teaching leaves no space for Christians to be snobbish or vain when it comes to sexual ethics - we all fall short. But Jesus’ teaching also beautifully elevates the grace and goodness of God in his design for life and sexuality. God cares about who we sleep with, because God cares about us.
I was particularly struck by how GOOD the Christian sexual ethic was and is for women (in particular). It dignifies our value as human beings and seeks to protect us from an abuse or violation of that value.
“True obedience to God will never mean we end up loving people less.”
Five stars. Banger of a read (hehe).
Btw this was an audiobook “read”.
I was particularly struck by how GOOD the Christian sexual ethic was and is for women (in particular). It dignifies our value as human beings and seeks to protect us from an abuse or violation of that value.
“True obedience to God will never mean we end up loving people less.”
Five stars. Banger of a read (hehe).
Btw this was an audiobook “read”.
July 15, 2022
“We’re thinking of sex both too much and too little.
Too much because we’re tempted to find our deepest fulfilment in sexual intimacy.
Too little because we are missing what our deepest sexual and romantic yearnings are meant to be pointing us to. […]
God cares about who we sleep with because he cares who we spend eternity with, and he want us to know him and experience his ultimate love for ever.”
Too much because we’re tempted to find our deepest fulfilment in sexual intimacy.
Too little because we are missing what our deepest sexual and romantic yearnings are meant to be pointing us to. […]
God cares about who we sleep with because he cares who we spend eternity with, and he want us to know him and experience his ultimate love for ever.”
February 28, 2022
Well structured book tackling a subject that is unfortunately under-discussed in our churches. While I found the last few chapters a little rushed, the book was a good balance of historical/logical arguments and scriptural truth. Would recommend 🙃
March 13, 2022
Sam Allberry's "Is God Anti-Gay" used to be my go-to entry-level book on engaging the challenging question of why it is that orthodox Christianity maintains what appears to be such an archaic sexual ethic. This is my new favorite book I've already given away to those struggling with the topic.
Sam Allberry's "Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With?" is less than 150 pages, and is not only theologically sound, but also empathetic.
So, why does God care who we sleep with? Because he cares about us. God gives us sex for a purpose: for our joy and also to point us back to himself. Allberry takes us to Genesis 1 and 2 where we learn that God's first purpose for sex is procreation (Gen 1:28) and his second purpose is to create a oneness between husband and wife (Gen 2:23-24).
Why is sex confined to marriage? Because it is made to be covenantal and self-giving. It is God's good gift to us that points us back to God's covenantal, self-giving love to us. Allberry explains that, “If this is the case— that sex is fundamentally about giving, and about giving our whole self to someone— then having sex with someone without the intention of giving them this is actually a form of taking. It is theft."
What is our culture's vision of sex? It is the inverse of this: it is about us satisfying our desires, about us receiving, about personal fulfillment.
Allberry does a great job of framing the Christian vision not just as countercultural today, but countercultural in a Roman and ancient context as well. The Christian vision is a vision that grants us the full humanity, the full God-imaging that the purposes for us. This is why the Christian sexual ethic isn't just about what we do, it goes further: what we think. Allberry says, “This is what lust does. It reduces how we see others, and in the process dehumanises us. We become those who see less and less of the humanity in others.”
Sexuality and gender issues remain significant stumbling blocks for our culture. On the one hand, without the work of the Spirit and an understanding of the upside-down nature of the gospel, we shouldn't expect the world to understand a Christian sexual ethic. On the other hand, we need people like Sam Allberry who provide winsome and thoughtful apologetics for Christian sexual ethics. Christians ought not rail against the culture's shifting sexual mores because we are afraid or hateful. We speak a different vision of sexuality, because God has a different vision of sexuality. If we trust our Creator and Savior, then we can trust him with our sexuality as well. Even here God offers us good news. I highly comment "Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With?" to you.
For more reviews see thebeehive.live.
Sam Allberry's "Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With?" is less than 150 pages, and is not only theologically sound, but also empathetic.
So, why does God care who we sleep with? Because he cares about us. God gives us sex for a purpose: for our joy and also to point us back to himself. Allberry takes us to Genesis 1 and 2 where we learn that God's first purpose for sex is procreation (Gen 1:28) and his second purpose is to create a oneness between husband and wife (Gen 2:23-24).
Why is sex confined to marriage? Because it is made to be covenantal and self-giving. It is God's good gift to us that points us back to God's covenantal, self-giving love to us. Allberry explains that, “If this is the case— that sex is fundamentally about giving, and about giving our whole self to someone— then having sex with someone without the intention of giving them this is actually a form of taking. It is theft."
What is our culture's vision of sex? It is the inverse of this: it is about us satisfying our desires, about us receiving, about personal fulfillment.
Allberry does a great job of framing the Christian vision not just as countercultural today, but countercultural in a Roman and ancient context as well. The Christian vision is a vision that grants us the full humanity, the full God-imaging that the purposes for us. This is why the Christian sexual ethic isn't just about what we do, it goes further: what we think. Allberry says, “This is what lust does. It reduces how we see others, and in the process dehumanises us. We become those who see less and less of the humanity in others.”
Sexuality and gender issues remain significant stumbling blocks for our culture. On the one hand, without the work of the Spirit and an understanding of the upside-down nature of the gospel, we shouldn't expect the world to understand a Christian sexual ethic. On the other hand, we need people like Sam Allberry who provide winsome and thoughtful apologetics for Christian sexual ethics. Christians ought not rail against the culture's shifting sexual mores because we are afraid or hateful. We speak a different vision of sexuality, because God has a different vision of sexuality. If we trust our Creator and Savior, then we can trust him with our sexuality as well. Even here God offers us good news. I highly comment "Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With?" to you.
For more reviews see thebeehive.live.
January 1, 2024
Allberry manages to skillfully, compassionately, truthfully, and loving wade into an important area of life. If you want thoughtfulness that will challenge you, then I would absolutely read this one. Full of Scripture and full of honesty about the personal difficulties the author faces living out God's design for sex and marriage. I walked away with a deeper love and trust for God after reading this one.
December 1, 2020
A great question on a very important topic, especially in today's society. The author does a fantastic job of answering this question as he states in his own words, "God cares who you sleep with because He cares where you will spend eternity!" A small, but very helpful book that shows this question is answered not in a way that is an unfair rule, but rather in God's love for His bride!
March 16, 2023
So powerful. I read it before but not well. He answers so many questions from the word about sexual ethics, and when you hear his testimony, it makes it that much more redemptive. The book discusses everything from sexuality to sexual assault to the purpose of sex to why God cares at all. Worth it!
May 30, 2023
I really enjoyed this book. As a part of our resource table at the church I read this book. Initially I was just gonna quick read it but I got into it and read the whole thing. I loved the final chapter! So good! Highly recommended
June 5, 2023
Muy buena introducción a la concepción de la sexualidad en la ética cristiana, alejando mitos arrastrados por generaciones e invitando a un nuevo panorama de la intimidad desde la perspectiva bíblica, esta última marcada por una grácil atención y cuidado hacia la otredad.
October 16, 2021
Nice book. Some good insights. Being written by someone who's single for the truth he believes and exposes makes its message even more powerful
December 20, 2022
the logic in this book is so ??? and the similes are the strangest I’ve ever read. 10/10 would not recommend
June 21, 2023
The content is legit and great!
July 14, 2023
I knew Sam allberry was good, but this was better than I expected.
Sam gives a proper framework to answer this spicy question which makes his answer compelling because God’s view is compelling.
Sam gives a proper framework to answer this spicy question which makes his answer compelling because God’s view is compelling.
September 28, 2024
A quick and concise read. Summarizes the points well and in a disarming way! Feeling more clarity in conversations with others and in my own thoughts on the subject
November 28, 2025
Spectacular and empathetic book
Read
March 7, 2024"God cares who we sleep with because he cares deeply about the people doing the sleeping."
Oh my, this is why we love Sam Allberry, chapter 1 let's deal with abuse and sexual assault. We're not going to leave that to later chapters, let's start with the most broken and devastating realities of sex in a sin twisted world.
Jesus was particularly tender to the wounds and hurts of the most vulnerable people he served.
[[bold]] Jesus was abused (crucifixion that was preceded by a string of abuses: being stripped, beaten, flogged, mocked, deserted by all his inner 12 disciples, denied by one of the most inner circle.) He's the center of Christian worship. So Christians ought to have an inbuilt sensitivity to those who are victims. "Because Jesus himself embodied and endured some of the most intense forms of victimization an awareness of pain and brutality is baked into Christianity." Not a callous and belligerent view of the weaker members of society. [[bold]]
"Christians should be the last people on earth to show indifference to abuse, let alone enabling it or perpetrating it in any way."
--------------
Sermon on the mount... Matthew 5:27-31
"Jesus is saying that adultery can take place in hearts, even if it does not take place in beds. It can be committed by looking, not just by touching."
"It's the difference between looking at someone and noticing they are attractive and looking at someone and wanting to have them in someway." --with lustful intent-- heart motivation.
What does this imply about the person being looked at?
She is not to be looked lustfully. She is precious and valuable and that she has a sexual integrity that matters. This sexual integrity is so precious that it must not be violated, even if the privacy of someone else's mind. Even if she never knows. Jesus' teaching is a protection for something precious... something we've likely undervalued. To take this passage and justify a burden against the victims (saying that it was their fault because...) misses the entire point and make the victim the cause. This is a twist of sin upon sin and conveniently obfuscates the heart that had sinful intent... making them a victim of sorts and making a villain out of the true victim.
Any sexual assault is a violation of sacred space. An abuse of another is an affront to God.
This is the basis for saying that sexual assault is objectively and universally wrong because it locates the reason for who the victims are to God.
---------
We cannot just say that everyone should do as they please when it comes to sex. It will not do to say that restrictions on someone's sexual desires are backward and unnecessary (as many have said of Christians, though not without some cause... in the middle ages it was taught that no sex was to be had on Thursdays because it was the day Jesus was arrested, or Fridays as he died that day, or Saturdays to honor his mother, or Sundays as they day he rose again).
Consent is often a boundary that assume. But it is not practiced in all the world. Because someone's sexual desires may be upon coercion and forcing themself upon someone else, but that is no license to express their desires.
Another boundary is that consenting parties be adults. Because we cannot assume that consent is always given without manipulation of some kind. This boundary is at play. But we know that this boundary cannot be assumed because child molestation, porn and abuse is still wildly in existence, and God would never hear of it in his kingdom, Lord may your kingdom come!
So then we all believe that everyone has to have some level of self control over their sexual desires.
So it's not if we should have boundaries but what they should be that separates Christian thought from the world's version of 'freedom'.
-----
Ch 3 What is sex for?
Sex is in recession after gen X.
We seem to live in a time where we care about sex much more but engage in it much less.
If people are precious as they are made in the image of God, it is not surprising and follows that the process by which we make new people is precious to God.
Procreation, making more of his image.
"Sex was God's idea, not ours. It's not something we discovered behind his back, nor is it something that he's begrudgingly allowed us to do. His first command to humanity in the Bible involves and necessitates sex."
In our culture we view sex as recreation first. To uncouple sex from the purpose of reproduction is to misuse it. It's not only about babies, but it was first about making more of God's image bearers.
Sex has another distinct purpose: creating oneness. Adam and Eve were made for each other.
Sex has power in the fact that it has a profoundly unifying effect.
Fire analogy. The only place in a house where you light a blazing fire is in a fireplace. If you light one somewhere else it will be dangerous and destructive. In the right place it can greatly enhance a home, in the wrong place it can burn the house to the ground.
Sex has it's root in sect (latin) meaning to cut off, sever, amputate, disconnect from the whole.
Long before we come to self consciousness and before puberty we feel ourselves painfully sect cut off, lonely, a piece of something that belonged at one point to a large whole. Woman was taken out of man, there was division and sex brings reunion of the two parts to make whole again.
Our longing for completeness isn't about mere sexual fulfillment.
The interdependence of the sexes:
Our male or femaleness are a reflection of God's image, where other creations are made in these genders, it is different for humans.
It's not that each compose half of God's image and need the other to complete it, we are already completely made in God's image, but to shine it more fully we need both.
Imagine a town or city exclusively occupied by men. Many of us would suspect that a community like this would become dysfunctional in a variety of ways.
We sense that each sex is able to moderate something of the other sex and add something to it.
The interplay is mutually enriching.
Sex and unity in difference. echad. The Lord our God the Lord is one. Unified, not numerical.
It has culturally become a way in which two adults affirm their emotional commitment to one another.
----
Chapter 4 the purpose of marriage.
When we view sex like a commodity we try to get the most out of it (inside and outside of marriage) and we try to trade it. But sex is not a commodity. It is a gift given to us from God and it is a gift that husbands and wives yield to each other within, giving pleasure... not taking it.
Giving
Act 20:35, more blessed to give than to receive
1 Corinthians 6:18, 7:4-5 - Satan is the only one opposed to sex here.
Matthew 19:4-6
Sex affects the whole body, the whole person, unlike the cultural belief that we can give our bodies and nothing else. Hookup culture denies this.
When someone is wronged sexually, it's not isolated to a couple of violated parts. This is the flip side of a good thing.
Chelsy thought
If sex is fundamentally about giving, and giving our whole self, then having sex without the intention of a life long togetherness is a form of taking. It is theft.
Sex before and sex after marriage vows are not the same. The only difference is timing. One reinforces the vows made and one is outside of vows all together. One establishes a context of life long self giving and the other is a form of taking. The purpose isn't what we can get, but what we give.
-----
Chapter 5 - Why was this so controversial back then?
In the Roman world men (and only men) could have many different sexual outlets. His wife was to be the mother of his legitimate children and the manager of the house, but he could also have a mistress for recreational sex and intellectual companionship, slaves made it easy to have a concubine, casual flings were available from harlots too. There was no public condemnation of this, although someone who engaged in it in excess would be on the same level as a notorious glutton or drunkard.
The pronouns are deliberate and telling.
From Shame to Sin, Kyle Harper
Adultery was forbidden as shameful, not so much because it was the violation of a married woman, but because it was seen as a violation of the man she was thought to be the property of. It was theft.
In this world women were a commodity, if they were honorable women, then they were an honorable commodity. If shameful, then they were a cheap, common commodity.
Constraints on men was a shock of 1st century men. Christian sexual ethics weren't based on societal standing, but on the value of men and women as cherished image bearers.
Mutuality. The equality of this would have been shocking.
Consent. Some have said that Christianity invented sexual consent because outside of it the laws of powerful bodies and bodies for pleasure or childbearing ruled the scene.
Roman women wouldn't be free to choose singleness, but Christian women were.
----
Chapter 6 - Why is this controversial today?
We tend to think casually about lust. When we lust, we are shaping how we view the world around us.
---
Chapter 8
John 4
"spring" a source of water, not just a recipient, but a carrier of living water
The thirst we cannot quench in this world is likely explained in this... that we were made for something outside of this world. CS Lewis
Soul Thirst.
We all want to be fully loved and fully known, but often times in our culture these two items are in tension because they often preclude the other.
We think that everyone has the right to define the sexuality that they think best describes who they are. Now we've made sexuality the foundation of self understanding. So sexual behavior is a primary means of self expression. To restrict sexual behavior is to stop someone from being who they are.
If we are defined by our romantic and sexual desires then we are really saying that our sexual desires need to be met in order for us to fully be ourselves.
Sexually fulfilling life must be had in order to actually be fully and authentically you. It also means that life without this is a life barely worth living. This raises the stakes of sex dangerously high.
John the disciple finds his ultimate identity in the person who most loves him.
1 Cor 13
A man will marry his wife and the two will become one flesh.
Jesus and those who believe in him will be one spirit.
The process of unloving erases yourself.
Is sexual expression really an end itself? No.
It tells a greater story because it's about the greatest love.
Where will we look for our greatest experience of love?
Oh my, this is why we love Sam Allberry, chapter 1 let's deal with abuse and sexual assault. We're not going to leave that to later chapters, let's start with the most broken and devastating realities of sex in a sin twisted world.
Jesus was particularly tender to the wounds and hurts of the most vulnerable people he served.
[[bold]] Jesus was abused (crucifixion that was preceded by a string of abuses: being stripped, beaten, flogged, mocked, deserted by all his inner 12 disciples, denied by one of the most inner circle.) He's the center of Christian worship. So Christians ought to have an inbuilt sensitivity to those who are victims. "Because Jesus himself embodied and endured some of the most intense forms of victimization an awareness of pain and brutality is baked into Christianity." Not a callous and belligerent view of the weaker members of society. [[bold]]
"Christians should be the last people on earth to show indifference to abuse, let alone enabling it or perpetrating it in any way."
--------------
Sermon on the mount... Matthew 5:27-31
"Jesus is saying that adultery can take place in hearts, even if it does not take place in beds. It can be committed by looking, not just by touching."
"It's the difference between looking at someone and noticing they are attractive and looking at someone and wanting to have them in someway." --with lustful intent-- heart motivation.
What does this imply about the person being looked at?
She is not to be looked lustfully. She is precious and valuable and that she has a sexual integrity that matters. This sexual integrity is so precious that it must not be violated, even if the privacy of someone else's mind. Even if she never knows. Jesus' teaching is a protection for something precious... something we've likely undervalued. To take this passage and justify a burden against the victims (saying that it was their fault because...) misses the entire point and make the victim the cause. This is a twist of sin upon sin and conveniently obfuscates the heart that had sinful intent... making them a victim of sorts and making a villain out of the true victim.
Any sexual assault is a violation of sacred space. An abuse of another is an affront to God.
This is the basis for saying that sexual assault is objectively and universally wrong because it locates the reason for who the victims are to God.
---------
We cannot just say that everyone should do as they please when it comes to sex. It will not do to say that restrictions on someone's sexual desires are backward and unnecessary (as many have said of Christians, though not without some cause... in the middle ages it was taught that no sex was to be had on Thursdays because it was the day Jesus was arrested, or Fridays as he died that day, or Saturdays to honor his mother, or Sundays as they day he rose again).
Consent is often a boundary that assume. But it is not practiced in all the world. Because someone's sexual desires may be upon coercion and forcing themself upon someone else, but that is no license to express their desires.
Another boundary is that consenting parties be adults. Because we cannot assume that consent is always given without manipulation of some kind. This boundary is at play. But we know that this boundary cannot be assumed because child molestation, porn and abuse is still wildly in existence, and God would never hear of it in his kingdom, Lord may your kingdom come!
So then we all believe that everyone has to have some level of self control over their sexual desires.
So it's not if we should have boundaries but what they should be that separates Christian thought from the world's version of 'freedom'.
-----
Ch 3 What is sex for?
Sex is in recession after gen X.
We seem to live in a time where we care about sex much more but engage in it much less.
If people are precious as they are made in the image of God, it is not surprising and follows that the process by which we make new people is precious to God.
Procreation, making more of his image.
"Sex was God's idea, not ours. It's not something we discovered behind his back, nor is it something that he's begrudgingly allowed us to do. His first command to humanity in the Bible involves and necessitates sex."
In our culture we view sex as recreation first. To uncouple sex from the purpose of reproduction is to misuse it. It's not only about babies, but it was first about making more of God's image bearers.
Sex has another distinct purpose: creating oneness. Adam and Eve were made for each other.
Sex has power in the fact that it has a profoundly unifying effect.
Fire analogy. The only place in a house where you light a blazing fire is in a fireplace. If you light one somewhere else it will be dangerous and destructive. In the right place it can greatly enhance a home, in the wrong place it can burn the house to the ground.
Sex has it's root in sect (latin) meaning to cut off, sever, amputate, disconnect from the whole.
Long before we come to self consciousness and before puberty we feel ourselves painfully sect cut off, lonely, a piece of something that belonged at one point to a large whole. Woman was taken out of man, there was division and sex brings reunion of the two parts to make whole again.
Our longing for completeness isn't about mere sexual fulfillment.
The interdependence of the sexes:
Our male or femaleness are a reflection of God's image, where other creations are made in these genders, it is different for humans.
It's not that each compose half of God's image and need the other to complete it, we are already completely made in God's image, but to shine it more fully we need both.
Imagine a town or city exclusively occupied by men. Many of us would suspect that a community like this would become dysfunctional in a variety of ways.
We sense that each sex is able to moderate something of the other sex and add something to it.
The interplay is mutually enriching.
Sex and unity in difference. echad. The Lord our God the Lord is one. Unified, not numerical.
It has culturally become a way in which two adults affirm their emotional commitment to one another.
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Chapter 4 the purpose of marriage.
When we view sex like a commodity we try to get the most out of it (inside and outside of marriage) and we try to trade it. But sex is not a commodity. It is a gift given to us from God and it is a gift that husbands and wives yield to each other within, giving pleasure... not taking it.
Giving
Act 20:35, more blessed to give than to receive
1 Corinthians 6:18, 7:4-5 - Satan is the only one opposed to sex here.
Matthew 19:4-6
Sex affects the whole body, the whole person, unlike the cultural belief that we can give our bodies and nothing else. Hookup culture denies this.
When someone is wronged sexually, it's not isolated to a couple of violated parts. This is the flip side of a good thing.
Chelsy thought
If sex is fundamentally about giving, and giving our whole self, then having sex without the intention of a life long togetherness is a form of taking. It is theft.
Sex before and sex after marriage vows are not the same. The only difference is timing. One reinforces the vows made and one is outside of vows all together. One establishes a context of life long self giving and the other is a form of taking. The purpose isn't what we can get, but what we give.
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Chapter 5 - Why was this so controversial back then?
In the Roman world men (and only men) could have many different sexual outlets. His wife was to be the mother of his legitimate children and the manager of the house, but he could also have a mistress for recreational sex and intellectual companionship, slaves made it easy to have a concubine, casual flings were available from harlots too. There was no public condemnation of this, although someone who engaged in it in excess would be on the same level as a notorious glutton or drunkard.
The pronouns are deliberate and telling.
From Shame to Sin, Kyle Harper
Adultery was forbidden as shameful, not so much because it was the violation of a married woman, but because it was seen as a violation of the man she was thought to be the property of. It was theft.
In this world women were a commodity, if they were honorable women, then they were an honorable commodity. If shameful, then they were a cheap, common commodity.
Constraints on men was a shock of 1st century men. Christian sexual ethics weren't based on societal standing, but on the value of men and women as cherished image bearers.
Mutuality. The equality of this would have been shocking.
Consent. Some have said that Christianity invented sexual consent because outside of it the laws of powerful bodies and bodies for pleasure or childbearing ruled the scene.
Roman women wouldn't be free to choose singleness, but Christian women were.
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Chapter 6 - Why is this controversial today?
We tend to think casually about lust. When we lust, we are shaping how we view the world around us.
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Chapter 8
John 4
"spring" a source of water, not just a recipient, but a carrier of living water
The thirst we cannot quench in this world is likely explained in this... that we were made for something outside of this world. CS Lewis
Soul Thirst.
We all want to be fully loved and fully known, but often times in our culture these two items are in tension because they often preclude the other.
We think that everyone has the right to define the sexuality that they think best describes who they are. Now we've made sexuality the foundation of self understanding. So sexual behavior is a primary means of self expression. To restrict sexual behavior is to stop someone from being who they are.
If we are defined by our romantic and sexual desires then we are really saying that our sexual desires need to be met in order for us to fully be ourselves.
Sexually fulfilling life must be had in order to actually be fully and authentically you. It also means that life without this is a life barely worth living. This raises the stakes of sex dangerously high.
John the disciple finds his ultimate identity in the person who most loves him.
1 Cor 13
A man will marry his wife and the two will become one flesh.
Jesus and those who believe in him will be one spirit.
The process of unloving erases yourself.
Is sexual expression really an end itself? No.
It tells a greater story because it's about the greatest love.
Where will we look for our greatest experience of love?
May 6, 2020
When I saw the title of this book, I knew I wanted to read it. However, I had my own idea of what the book would contain and how the book would be written. I was wrong. This book is infinitely better than my mind had formerly settled.
Sam writes in such a gentle yet astute manner. He truly appeals to your intellect and reason, rather than emotion and opinion. Sam uses biblical accounts of human sexuality, as well as current events pertaining to sexual abuses and misuses the reader will recall.
This book would be great for anyone who has struggled with sexual sin in the past. It would be a fantastic book to walk through in a mentor-mentee relationship, though no discussion questions are provided. This book would be a fantastic read for someone who questions the orthodox Christian view of marriage and human sexuality, or just curious as to why God would care about our sexual tendencies.
I appreciate Sam’s unique, constant, and yet understanding voice on this difficult and weighty topic.
Sam writes in such a gentle yet astute manner. He truly appeals to your intellect and reason, rather than emotion and opinion. Sam uses biblical accounts of human sexuality, as well as current events pertaining to sexual abuses and misuses the reader will recall.
This book would be great for anyone who has struggled with sexual sin in the past. It would be a fantastic book to walk through in a mentor-mentee relationship, though no discussion questions are provided. This book would be a fantastic read for someone who questions the orthodox Christian view of marriage and human sexuality, or just curious as to why God would care about our sexual tendencies.
I appreciate Sam’s unique, constant, and yet understanding voice on this difficult and weighty topic.
February 25, 2020
It's not perfect, but it is very, very, very good.
Full review here: https://www.thomascreedy.co.uk/book-r...
Full review here: https://www.thomascreedy.co.uk/book-r...
August 31, 2023
Tan profundo e impactante como la primera vez que leí.
December 28, 2022
Writing style: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Engagement:🌟🌟🌟🌟
Content:🌟🌟🌟🌟
Purpose:🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Value:🌟🌟🌟🌟
Overall: 4.4/5
Engagement:🌟🌟🌟🌟
Content:🌟🌟🌟🌟
Purpose:🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Value:🌟🌟🌟🌟
Overall: 4.4/5
February 28, 2023
Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With? By Sam Allberry is part of Good Books “Questioning Faith” series.
This book is aimed at helping Christians to understand the biblical word on who is acceptable to “sleep” with and when. That is, between one man and one woman in marriage.
In the first two chapters, Allberry looks at what happens when people have sex outside of the biblical mandate. Here, he also considers what a person is worth – if sex in an unbiblical situation harms those involved, as he argues, one need to consider what a person is worth – to God and to other humans.
Then he considers the purpose of sex and concludes it is for reproduction and all the aspects of oneness between the man and the woman. The one aspect that is not here – that I have raised elsewhere – often to raised eyebrows – is that sex is also to be purposed as worship. Not worship of each other or the sex act itself, but the worship of God for creating humans able to have dex, for sex in marriage, for the pleasure of sex, and so forth.
In the next three chapters, he rightly argues that the biblical teaching is that sex is only to be between a man and his wife. The arguments against that in biblical days and now is the low value of marriage and the putting of pleasure on a pedestal while considering the act disposable. Today we talk about “friends with benefits” – sex is meaningless except for the pleasure of the moment.
Allberry spends time addressing those who have sinned in this area and points one to the forgiveness found in Jesus. From this, he addresses the question of whether or not sex is a necessary part of being a Christian and one’s fulfillment. The answer is “no.” As Jesus explained, some are eunuchs for the Kingdom.
He concludes by arguing that “love” is not enough to justify and hold together people who desire to “sleep” together outside of marriage. What one may call “love” without God and His blessing is less than it should be and is not approved by God.
Allberry’s book is well-written and biblical. It sets forth the biblical mandate on sex. This book is good for any Christian, but I would like to see it read in the context of a Bible study with Junior High or High School students -= especially given the culture we live in.
[This review appears on my blog, Amazon.com, and Goodreads.com].
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