Crossing Over: One Woman's Escape from Amish Life

by Ruth Irene Garrett, Rick Farrant

Ruth Irene Garrett was the fifth of seven children raised in Kalona, Iowa, as a member of a strict Old Order Amish community. She was brought up in a world filled with rigid rules and intense secrecy, in an environment where the dress, buggies, codes of conduct, and way of life differed even from other Amish societies only 100 miles away. This Old Order community actively avoided all interaction with English, everyone who lived on the outside. As a result, Ruth knew only one way of life, and one way of doing things.This compelling narrative takes us inside a hidden community, offering a striking look as one woman comes to terms with her discontent and ultimately leaves her family, faith and the sheltered world of her childhood. Unsatisfied, she bravely crosses over to contemporary life to fully explore the foreign and frightening reality in hope of better understanding her emotional and spiritual desires. What emerges is a powerful tale of one woman's search for meaning and the extraordinary lessons she learns along the way.

Genres: Amish, Nonfiction, Memoir, Religion, Biography, Biography Memoir, Autobiography

190 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2001

About the author

Ruth Irene Garrett left the Amish faith in 1996 and was ultimately excommunicated. She currently lives with her husband, Ottie, in Kentucky where they devote their time to helping Amish families who have left their communities.

Reviews

[Christy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Though I normally enjoy books about women who escape oppressive religious backgrounds, I thought Crossing Over was a bit blah.

The author, Ruth Irene Garrett, doesn't go into a lot of detail about her Amish upbringing or way of life, other than to relate a few childhood memories and basic descriptions of Amish customs. I found this disappointing because I was hoping for an inside look at the Amish community. In fact, Garrett doesn't go into a lot of detail about anything, even her interview with Glamour or the television show inspired by her life. She just mentions the article and TV project, almost in passing, and then barely speaks of them again, other than to print a few letters she received. I would have liked an more in-depth account with detailed information about life in the Amish community, the X-Amish, the magazine article and television show, and her visits home, among other things. Garrett also jumps back and forth in time a lot, and the non-linear story telling occasionally left me confused.

I must admit that I was at first put off by the author's relationship with Ottie, the family driver and man she eventually marries. I'm not Amish, or even religious, but I would be very upset if my daughter ran off with a morbidly obese, crippled man twice her age who had been divorced three times. I wonder if Garrett's parents would have reacted the same way if she had run off with a man her own age or one who wasn't divorced (three times, no less). However, based on the book, Ruth and Ottie seem happy enough so who am I to judge?

Finally, Crossing Over has a lot of bible verses and talk of faith, which isn't surprising for a book of this nature, but I found it kind of boring. I also could have done without the multiple letters and poems.

All in all, Crossing Over is an okay, but not satisfying read, mostly due to its lack of detail. If you're hoping for an in-depth look at the Amish lifestyle or one member's escape, you'll likely be disappointed.

[Jill · Rating 1 out of 5]

I feel very conflicted by this book. Irene is clearly naive. She meets a still married, soon to be thrice divorced man who is 25 years her senior. She leaves the Amish to marry this man. I am glad she was able to escape her life in the Amish that so dissatisfied her; however her use of Scripture to justify her relationship with her husband is unsettling. As is the fact that her husband knew she had no life experience yet choose to pursue a relationship with a immature and uneducated young girl.

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was not a fan of this book. I thought it would give a better insight into the life of the Amish. Additionally it was a horrible personal story that should not be flaunted as a success or triumph. This woman was clearly seduced by a much older man and her family was right to feel that way. Lastly, the editor should have taken some liberty to make the author sound less pitiful and more educated. All he did was reinforce the idea that the Amish are simple people with simple minds.

[Nancy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Someone needs to stop me from picking up books like these...I was so annoyed by the author. I did not think she was exposing a secret community, instead I felt she whined about her childhood and tried justifying her questionable choices. Her big break with her family, and her excommunication, is less her leaving the Amish faith than her marrying a man that is totally unsuitable. While I am glad she seems happy with her marriage, the details of what kind of man he is was jaw dropping. I don't think she made the argument that Amish life is bad, it was just not right for her, and her alone.

[Josie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I picked up this book expecting to learn a little about the Amish, their faith and their lifestyle, and to encounter a story of self-discovery; I expected to feel for the (co)author.

I was disappointed. First, there is not much concrete information on the Amish. The author's childhood and life with the Amish is breezed by very quickly and shallowly. I didn't expect to hear the praises of the religion from an X-member, but I did expect to hear more about it. To hear more about how it worked, and why she wasn't satisfied. Instead there are vague comments and then it is left behind.

The biggest disappointment though was the lack of self-discovery. I didn't feel that the author struggled over her faith or her decision to leave. I didn't see growth or premeditation. Instead I saw a young, sheltered girl jumping out of a (vaguely suggested) difficult home life into the first exciting, romantic/sexual, opportunity that came up. She throws out the idea that she left the Amish so that she could educate herself, have a career, etc. but, beyond getting her GED, there is little talk about that. So often I found myself shaking my head and thinking that she was just naive and throwing herself into a world that she did not understand without a realistic safety net --while agreeing that the Amish lifestyle, or her own particular familial situation, may not have been ideal beforehand. Too often I agreed with her family that she had left because of Ottie, and any other reasons she gives were just excuses that she came up with afterward.

Another downfall of this book is that it is parading as an autobiography but it does not read like one. Instead, it reads as a series of awkwardly written essays in a bid for publicity. It does not feel real. There is no emotion. There is no pain and growth. And it is not wonderfully written. You can tell that there are details that they wanted to put in, but couldn't decide how to fit them, so they just pasted them into the middle of an unrelated chapter (for example, Ottie's childhood memories in the chapter about getting her GED).

If you're looking to learn about the Amish, if you're looking for a book about self-discovery, or religion, or someone trying to change their life, look elsewhere. This one's not worth the time.

[Sabrina Rutter · Rating 2 out of 5]

I live close to several Amish settlements here in Indiana, and honestly must say I have always based my opinion of them off my own personal thoughts rather than anything derived from fact. I'm so used to seeing them in the grocery stores, and sometimes resturaunts that I don't usually look twice at them.

I always thought they held God in the highest esteem, but Irene's story has shown me that in fact they put their being Amish first, and then God second. I always assumed they gave up the comforts of modern life to show God their dedication when in reality they view our way of life as living with Satan himself. I always figured the Bible was something held dear, and fervently studied. Again I was wrong, they actually discourage anyone from studying the Bible too closely, even the bishops, ministers, and deacons. I believe as does Irene that this is discouraged so that the Amish will not question their particular brand of faith.

I'm so used to seeing the Amish that I never really thought of them as a cult. Irene brings up the fact that the Amish are somewhat cult like. I never really thought of them as a cult, but it's impossible to deny that they have some of the characteristics. Just like with a disease a person may experience some of the symptoms, but not all. A cult might have some of the known characteristics while not having them all.

This is a really eye opening look into the Amish faith. Irene uses bible verses through out to argue her stance in life which would normally have annoyed me, but I actually found them quite touching.

This book did make me question a few things in the christian faith. For example, my Aunt recently became religious and her church preaches that because she is divorced she can't get married again as that would make her an adulterer. Irene married a man who has been divorced, and her Amish family were concerned about her being an adulterer for marrying such a man. Irene's church however tells her, and her husband that their marriage is right in the eyes of God. I just personally find it all very confusing. I did notice that though Irene used Bible verses for every other problem she was faced with she never came up with a Bible verse to support her marriage. I'm not saying this to sound judgemental, but it would have been nice to be able to tell my Aunt that she doesn't have to live a lonely life, and have something from scripture to back up my arguement.

I'm really glad I read this book, and I'm really looking forward to watching the movie based on Irene, and Ottie's love.

[Barbm1020 · Rating 4 out of 5]

For anyone who deals with the Amish, or has watched any of the "reality" TV about the Amish, this book is a real eye-opener. A young woman from an abusive home finds her freedom with the help of an outsider, but as far as the cult is concerned, she is now an escaped sinner and must be hauled back by incessant guilt trips, or shunned, which is worse than I thought. The Amish hierarchy has such a hold on its people that they are afraid to even buy or sell anything with those who have left the Amish. Still a woman of faith, her discovery of the Bible passages that were forbidden for the Amish to read, and her subsequent choice to join a kind and supportive Lutheran congregation with her outsider ("English") husband is a painful but ultimately triumphant journey. I was stunned to learn that her native language, which we call Pennsylvania Dutch, has no word for "love." She had to leave before she could learn to express her affection for her husband and her long-suffering mother and siblings. This is one more powerful story about the use of isolation, ignorance and poverty imposed on women and children by a male-dominated network for the purpose of controlling other people.

[Felicia A Sullivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was surprisingly intriguing. I took it along to the beach, thinking my friend would like to read it, started it out on our balcony just because it was there, and didn't put it down until I was finished. A quick read, but it was interesting AND I learned a few things.

I'm not normally "into" these types of books, but for some reason, I obtained a copy from BookMooch thinking I might, maybe, some day be interested in it, and I read it through in one sitting.

The only thing I didn't like is that it doesn't really end. I mean, this woman is still alive and still on her life's journey, but the book was written in 2001, and it kind of just....stops. I would have liked more of a conclusion or something, I don't know.

But I was interested enough that when I return from the beach, I will do some searching on the internet to find out what she and her husband have been up to since 2001. :-)

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting insight into the Amish community and Irene's escape. Like other readers of this book, I am also to know more about Irene's life growing up Amish. From perusing the internet I came across Irene's website http://ruthirenegarrett.com/ She has another book called Born Amish which was written after this book that describes her life growing up in the Amish community.

I was also bothered by Irene and Ottie's relationship. I can see how their relationship works for them, Irene is raised in an environment where the women are submissive and are there to take care of their husband and children. Ottie needs someone to take care of him. In reading the book, Irene is full of excuses on why Ottie isn't working and only collects disability. The aspect that bothered me the most is that Ottie is taking advantage of Irene and she can't see that since she loves him and he isn't abusive like her father.

[Shirley · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this book because I am intrigued by the Amish culture, often visit the Lancaster, PA area and find much to respect in that lifestyle. However, I did not like this book--seems very self-serving and giving a biased view of the Amish life, just based on her family and one community in Iowa. And, for a young woman in her 20's to run off with a man twice her age, 450 pounds and three times divorced may be an escape from Amish life, but is this going from the frying pan into the fire? Also, seemed like there is a lot of patting herself on the back for how good she is as she assimilates into the "English" culture.

[Lisa Bolding · Rating 2 out of 5]

No depth. To much reliance on personal letters and bible passages substituting for narrative. I gave the book two stars because I did finish it (I did start skimming during the last third when everything she'd already said was said again and again). Her editor really failed this author, who understandably is an amateur.

[Sarah K · Rating 3 out of 5]

i wish i liked this book, because i wish i liked ALL memoirs. but while irene's story is interesting, her tone (or the writing team's tone) drove me a little up the wall. there were notes of entitlement, anger, and biterness. i wish there was more of her childhood shared here. it was an interesting analysis of the amish views on faith though. sad story.

[Hannah · Rating 1 out of 5]

1. I'm pretty sure the author does not believe in dinosaurs (??!?!?)
2. I will read any ex-Fundamentalist memoir I can get my hands on, and this was one of the least compelling and most poorly written. I found the author pretty difficult to sympathize with (second only to Lauren Drain). A quick read, but boring and way too many Bible verses for my taste.

[Ranya · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this book was disappointing... the premise is really interesting, a girl who disconnects herself from the amish community. but the writing was mediocre. and the story telling style left me unsatisfied...

[Joni · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm sure it can't be easy growing up Amish and can see the reason for wanting to escape but to marry the only "English" man who actually showed her any interest seems a little sad. It seemed she settled. The fact that her family still will hardly acknowledge her existence is hard to take.

[jocelynn · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought I would like this, but I just could not get into it after 3 tries I gave up. writing style was kind of bland and it was just a boring book.

[Amy · Rating 1 out of 5]

How could someone take this subject, with all it's possibilities, and make it so seriously boring??? Gah!

[Elizabeth · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not the best. It came in a box of donations to the library. Not well written and very sketchy. Took about all of about 3 hours to read. Put it into recycling.

[Kristi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I came into reading this with an existing knowledge of the general tenets of the Amish faith, and of the variety of liberal and conservative groups within the faith. With that foreknowledge, this book was awfully shallow and repetitive. Based on the cover copy and some reviews I had read, I expected a deeper, more insightful story, but I didn't realize the author was so young and only recently separated from the community. I was also bothered by Ottie. I don't doubt their love and commitment to each other, but I found it deeply disturbing. I hope the author has continued to learn and experience new things beyond her quiet, rural life. I'd love to hear her take on things now, almost two decades later.

[Danny · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up Crossing Over: One Woman's Escape From Amish Life when it came into the check-in room at work alongside The Amish Family Cookbook. I liked the juxtaposition and I thought it might be fun to read a sordid tale of the Amish life and how one woman bravely escaped the confines of head-coverings and not driving cars. (That sounds flip, and it is, but we tend to picture the Amish as quaint and cute and harmless, but being born into a situation like that where you can be excommunicated for doing many of the things the average American does every day has to be...odd.)

And it was indeed an interesting tale of small-scale repression and how closed-in communities enforce a kind of thought control by preaching the dangers of talking to anyone outside.

Yet, even though I empathized with the storyteller, Irene Garrett, who ended up running away from her Amish life with a non-Amish man who served as a driver for her family and the other Amish in and around Kalona, Iowa, in some ways she just exchanged one form of overbearing social structure for another.

I give you this creeptastic passage: Later, Ottie tried to lighten the mood when he reminded me I'd be able to assemble a new wardrobe.

"You can go shopping and buy anything you want. Satin and silk, frills and pastels. All the things you like."

"Yes," I said smiling.

"And we can travel, and be alone, and one day, perhaps, raise a family."

"I know," I said.

"But if you're gonna be my wife, you're gonna have to do one thing. You're gonna have to shave your legs. You're not Amish anymore, you know."

"Right here? Right now?"

"Yep," he said, and he pointed to an electric razor he had brought along, one of the few possessions he had extracted from his house before we left. "You can use that if you like."

"You're sure?"

"I don't see why not."

Then he handed it to me, this English gadget of modern convenience, and I rolled down my leggings and began shaving the thin strands of hair from my calves.

I was nervous, just a little bit scared, and missing my family despite our differences.

At the same time, Kalona all of a sudden seemed a long ways off. Granted, if she's going to start integrating into "English" society ("English" is what they call all non-Amish people) she's would probably start shaving her legs eventually anyway. But, having just run away from home, making a huge and pretty much irreversible decision to leave the people and community she's always lived with, it seems odd to suddenly say, "Also, there's this one condition I have regarding your body with which you must comply if this whole 'me taking care of you outside in the big bad world' thing is going to work out."

Basically, I'm saying that while she might be writing this to show how much better her life is now that she's not among the Amish, I'm reading it thinking how fukt up her perceptions of the world and how it should be are, and how sad it is that she's among people whose sphere of acceptable behavior is still on the strictly traditional side.

But she does appear to be happy, and that's good.

[Leann · Rating 1 out of 5]

I do not usually rate books 1 star, because if I dislike it that strongly I will probably DNF it. I did not DNF this one because it was less than 200 pages, and I was truly hoping that the author would come to some realizations about herself. Which she did not.

Every time I drive through Lancaster PA (which is often because I have family there), I get curious about the Amish culture, which is how this book ended up on my radar. It is the memoir (written with help) of a woman who leaves an Old Order Amish home to marry an outsider and then is shunned. This woman lacks so much self-awareness. The book is also poorly written and organized, it is honestly almost confusing in how it ping-pongs all over the place.

In telling about her upbringing, she acknowledges the unusual aspects of it and points to some of the things she has had to learn since leaving that bubble - things like how to use a dressing room, for example. But then she still says things like that women should dress modestly because some mystery is still good. That's fine if that's the choice you make, but don't put that on all other women. She should know better than anyone that the choices she makes should not affect what choices others make, and how the freedom to do that is exactly what she left her family to do!

And on that note, I will also mention that she left her world to marry an outsider who is 25 years her senior and twice divorced. Like I just said, I am not here to judge another woman's choices, but considering how naive and immature she was when she met this man (when she was only 16), it is really disheartening to see how she has never come to the realization that maybe this wasn't the healthiest way for her to enter into an adult relationship.

As if that wasn't bad enough, this man profits off of products that he sells featuring images of the Amish lifestyle, like calendars. He does this by taking photographs of the Amish community - a practice that they do not believe in for religious reasons. So how does he get these photos? He pretends to be taking a picture of their buggy but then adjusts the frame so it's of the people instead. This is totally normal behavior that should definitely be rewarded with a 22-year-old wife!!!! sigh.

Do not recommend this book, clearly. It is so frustrating.

[Azra · Rating 1 out of 5]

Oh, dear god. I am still asking myself why - WHY- did I read this? I found this book at a local thrift store for $0.50. I'm thinking it was at least $0.40 too much.

There have been several books and documentaries about the Amish; rumspringa and even those who have left and have been shunned. For the life of me, I can't understand why this one was subject to so much attention at the time.

I get that a person's faith can be one of the most important things in life. I get that the Amish life isn't for everyone. I also get that every community is different. I understand that making a decision that would sever your ties to everything you've ever known is one of the most difficult decisions a person can make.

However, this book throws around bible verses, not only to support the author's point but also to demonstrate how wrong she seems to feel the Amish faith is. It also reads like a cross between a true crime and one of those Redemption From teh Eeeeeeeeville books. The author details some of the clandestine things she and her future husband had to do in order not to cause trouble with the community - which caused trouble anyway. She also talks about the rumors and accusations she heard once she left but she also puts a sugary sweet spin on the situation once she becomes English. She is wonderful; god is wonderful, her twenty five year senior and sometimes gout riddled husband is wonderful...it's all wonderful!! It is as if suddenly all her troubles had gone away except for those pesky letters that keep arriving. Why can't they see that everything is hunky dory?!

This is definitely not one of the better books about the Amish or the shunned. It comes across as slightly creepy in places, such as the author being underage when she first met her future husband, who was in his forties. It also can be a bit whiney in places when speaking about her father and as I said, sugary sweet in other places.

I'd throw this book against the wall, but I'm afraid it would stick from all that sweetness.

[Debbie · Rating 1 out of 5]

In Crossing Over Garrett tells her story about growing up in an Old Order Amish home with an abusive father. Despite misgivings and general unhappiness she joined the church. Several years later she ran away with the only English man she ever really knew who was 25 years her senior and divorced three times with 4 children by various wives. She ultimately married this man, joined the Lutheran church and was, not surprisingly, excommunicated from the Amish church.

Garrett gives the reader a fairly balanced glimpse into the Old Order Amish world, but I thought she got whiny about being excommunicated and the stilted, limited communication she had with her family. I mean what exactly did she expect? Her choices would be difficult for an average American mom and dad to accept, much less Amish parents. Sadly, abusive parents are found everywhere in society, including the Amish. Garrett seems like a sweet, sincere person and I have to wonder if she would have left her family and church had she been blessed with a different father.

A quick Google search revealed that since leaving the Amish in 1996, Garrett and her husband have greatly capitalized on her Amish heritage. She has co-authored several books, done the TV and magazine circuit and promotes herself as a lecturer. While I find some irritation in that, I give her credit for having a certain amount of pluck and rising above a difficult childhood with so many limitations.

[Gina · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book caught my attention at the library because it takes place in Kalona, Iowa, a very small town that I happen to have some family in.

The story here is interesting. I have read several books about Mormon Polygamist communities and was struck by the similarities between those and the Amish community depicted in this book. The biggest thing I have learned is that these are not simply communities that you can join or leave as your faith leads you, it's far harder and more complicated than that.

However, it's clear that this book was published because the subject is interesting and not because the writing is good. Also, I would have preferred more about her life before she left and less of the details of her everyday life after leaving. And it would have been easier to identify with her had I been able to see what she saw in the man she left the Amish to marry.

There were a few passages that seemed to be added as filler to make enough pages for a book. For example, a page or so on the author's opinion on creationism vs. evolution. Coming from someone who is obviously extremely limited in her knowledge on the subject, it was impossible to gain anything from the passage. What is the point in learning that she concludes that she doesn't know whether or not there ever really were dinosaurs on earth?

[Katie · Rating 1 out of 5]

"Escape" is a bit of a misnomer here. Basically Garrett falls in love with a much older man (perhaps not coincidentally the only non-Amish man she seems to have regular contact with. She runs away with him to get married, and her family respond by sending her lots of misguided, vaguely manipulative letters.

"Escape" makes it sound like she's trapped in a crazy cult where she is regularly subjected to physical and psychological torture, not a slightly esoteric religious group that is understandably upset about her marrying outside the group, so they try to talk her into coming back by using slightly dubious tactics. I can imagine the word "Amish" being replaced in this book with "Jewish" or "Italian" or basically any close knit people group. Heck, my parents would be upset enough if I married a devout atheist that they'd probably send me pretty similar letters (admittedly peppered with a lot more I love yous and as long as you're happy I guess we understands).

Other than the name being misleading, I just didn't care about Garrett. Yes, you don't have a lot of choice growing up as a female in an Amish community, that sucks. You knew leaving would throw a wrench into your familiar relationships, you knew they wouldn't be accepting. You made your choice, so get over it, basically.

[Cathy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'd hoped for a more serious discussion about life behind the walls of an Old Order Amish community. Our rural township has recently had 40 Old Order Amish families move into it and it would've been especially meaningful to read something with greater detail about their culture. Instead, we have a young girl who escapes the Amish to marry a 450 pound "English" (modern day) man, thrice-divorced and 25 years her senior. Say what? This does not discount the abuse she, her siblings and especially her mother suffered at the hands of her harsh and forbidding father nor does it discount what she simplistically shares about the absolute deadening of free thought, but it certainly does lead the reader to wonder about the author and the sort of person she is. Obviously her lack of education and exposure to anything other than the rigid framework of her days kept her somewhat childlike and horrendously naive to the ways of the world. Disappointing, shallow and also quite disturbing on many levels.

[Kristy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Poorly written, short book that I did not think told that much about Amish life and customs, but did tell about one young woman's experience leaving an abusive Amish family for a much older (+25 years) man outside the community who had been divorced three times. Did anyone else think that was inappropriate and creepy on his part? He didn't sound like much of a catch, and I think he took advantage of an extremely naive, barely twenty-one woman who was longing for spiritual and personal freedoms. She sounds happy though, and I hope will continue to be so.

[Vikki · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is how this woman got out of the Amish church. She was verbally and emotionally abused by her father. This book does not put a good light on the Amish community. It is probably a much more realistic view than the romanticized version we usually get about the Amish. This took place in Kalona, Iowa.

[Paul Heidebrecht · Rating 3 out of 5]

See my review below of a memoir by a California Mennonite woman that was sarcastic and unkind and then check out this one by Irene Garrett who grew up Old Order Amish and has been shunned after she left to marry an "English" man. She is incredibly gracious and yearns to be reconciled ot her family.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book but not as insightful as I had hoped for. Got a little boring towards the end. I'm interested in finding a book with a more in depth look at Amish culture than this one offered.