How We Love: A Formation for the Celibate Life

by John Mark Falkenhain

In this volume, Br. John Mark Falkenhain, OSB, a Benedictine monk and clinical psychologist, provides a well-researched and thorough program for celibacy formation for men and women, adaptable to both religious and seminary settings. Attending to the theological and the psycho-sexual dimensions of what it means to pursue a life of chaste celibacy, Br. John Mark identifies and expands on four major content areas, including motives for chaste celibacy, theological aspects of celibate chastity, sexual identity, and skills for celibate living. Formation goals and benchmarks for discernment are discussed for each content area, and implications and suggestions for ongoing formation are offered.

Genres: Theology

248 pages, Kindle Edition

Published June 24, 2019

Reviews

[Benedict Skipper · Rating 3 out of 5]

Almost seven years after ordination and making my promise of celibacy, it is probably a good sign that there was nothing completely new or surprising here.

I found the material on boundaries useful, even if his treatment of the topic is not especially systematic. The reflections on power imbalances in ministry were also worth reviewing, and the chapter on loneliness and solitude was particularly helpful, especially some of the practical suggestions for fostering solitude. I think I would have found this a useful book to read in seminary, and his stages of formation are insightful.

My main criticism is that it is not a very religious book: Jesus is not mentioned very often, and Scripture only appears fleetingly. Still, it is easy to read and offers plenty that is worth reflecting on.

[Hayoung Park]

This book arrived into my life as such a gentle, pastoral, and thorough resource as a Christian discerning celibacy. It challenged me in so many ways to look to my faith as a source of healthy sexuality. The psycho-spiritual framework of celibacy that Falkenhain used felt very compatible with my professional experience as a social worker that incorporates scientific human development theories and trauma-informed practice. His recommendations for celibacy are a refreshing antithesis to the hyper-indivudalistic, lonely, purity culture-marred, heteronormative church culture that I have seen in churches.

[Logan Streondj · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good reading for anyone coming to terms with celibacy, as in ministry or even a sexless marriage, though I had to take off a star for the man never mentioning Jesus or the power of prayer and personal relationship with God, and instead considering the secular Judaism of Psychology being the physician rather than Jesus and following his Commandments to forgive, love and be kind to all beings. It is clear that while he may be a Benedictine Catholic monk, and read many books on celibacy he doesn't know Jesus or his teachings or how they apply to daily life.

[Christian Raab, OSB · Rating 5 out of 5]

A superb resource for those discerning or living the celibate life. Falkenhain makes a unique contribution with the sections on motivations and theological dimensions of celibacy (my favorite parts). The chapter on solitude is also a gem.

[Lauren Scharmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this extremely helpful, thorough, and pastoral.