Crossing the Tracks for Love: What to Do When You and Your Partner Grew Up in Different Worlds

by Ruby K. Payne

Timely guidance for minimizing the impact of economic class differences on intimacy, gender roles, employment, decision-making, raising children, in-law relations, dining, and mobility between classes.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships

200 pages, Paperback

First published April 5, 2005

About the author

Ruby K. Payne is an American educator and author best known for her book A Framework for Understanding Poverty and her work on the culture of poverty and its relation to education. Payne received an undergraduate degree from Goshen College in 1972. She holds a Ph.D. in educational leadership and policy studies from Loyola University in Illinois, and is the founder of aha! Process, Inc., a company that informs schools, companies and other organizations about poverty.

Reviews

[Bea Elwood · Rating 3 out of 5]

We don't really talk about class issues in the United States because we don't really want to admit that it exists in the land of the free and upwardly mobile - so it is refreshing when you read something very matter-of-fact about the issues and mindsets of not only people living in generational poverty but also the differences in the way the wealthy and middle-class think. Written from the point of view that your significant other and you come from different class backgrounds this book offers great insights and advice on how to be supportive and work through issues that arise around money, relationships, child rearing and even home decorating. Very interesting but also transferable to people working with people from different backgrounds - as a teacher I read a lot that could apply to helping students examine mindsets and inspire them to make good choices.

[Alessandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of my favorite parts of the book is about the 10 personal resources we bring to relationships. 💙
- Integrity: upholding values, loyalty to others, and consistent reliability.
- Financial Resources: beyond cash, inclusive of investment habits or business acumen.
- Emotional Resources: healthy coping mechanism, resilience without substance reliance.
- Mental Resources: skills like reading, reasoning, computing, and effective communication.
- Spiritual Resources: believing in higher powers, having a life purpose, and making a positive contribution.
- Physical Resources: prioritizing exercise, self-care, and healthy habits.
- Support Systems: valuable networks, expert access, and community connections.
- Relationships and Role Models: lifelong learning through mentors, friends, and family.
- Knowledge of Hidden Rules: understanding societal norms, cultural cues, and class rules.
- Desire and Persistence: consistent efforts, meaningful routines, and day-by-day dedication.

[Ellen · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's helpful to read this book for ideas that can help you understand certain interactions with people, while not assuming that everyone in a certain income/social group acts and feels the same way. There are nuggets of wisdom here. I now understand my mother better, given that she was raised in poverty in a dysfunctional family system but battled her way into the middle class (still with dysfunction, though). Payne suggests that socioeconomic status matters more than race in working through interpersonal relations, which I think is a too-easy explanation for a white person to make. Nonetheless, I'm glad I read it.

[Amy Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Ruby Payne came to my school district in August 2006 to do an inservice training. After the training, I bought several of her books. I used to read this book aloud to my 7th grade students as they were from challenging backgrounds and wanted a way out of their current situations. The book does an excellent job of breaking down the "hidden rules" of class and how to act appropriately in each socioeconomic level so that one may be successful in any type of social situation.

[Gina Oviedo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has the best descriptions of social classes--this is useful not only for those in relationships across different socio-economic classes but also for anyone working with or experiencing changes in social class. Highly recommend.

[Nina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hidden rules of the middle class. Explains how people of different classes abide by the unwritten rules of the economic culture. Explains a LOT, like why you see people who live in dumps wearing expensive clothes and having a satellite dish outside their shack.

[Nia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Over-emphasis on poverty, and zero emphasis on intersectionality. Still very informative and glad to own it - lots of highlighting was done. Wish there was a book like this that wove in racial constructs and how they play into class.

[Roxanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I agree with other reviewers, the title of the book should be revamped b/c the "rules" can be applied inside & outside the marriage. Good quick read.

[T. Laane · Rating 4 out of 5]

CLASS, SCARCITY, AND HIDDEN RULES. The main point: poverty, middle class, and upper class each have their own hidden rules about survival, relationships, and status. Poor folks focus on survival and fear, middle class on work and achievement, upper class on social, political, and financial maneuvering. And with money comes a ton of extra baggage - being “undercover rich” is probably easier, but even then, new problems surface.
VALUES & RESOURCES IN RELATIONSHIPS. There are ten core values you bring to a relationship: integrity, financial skill, emotional resourcefulness (ability to be alone without self-destructing and to hang in, not bail or get addicted), mental ability (info processing & sharing), spiritual sense, physical health, support systems (knowing people like doctors, insurance contacts), relationships & role models, knowledge of class rules (so you know how to behave at a fancy dinner), and desire/purpose (waking up with meaning). Rate these with your partner!
CLASS VIEWPOINTS AND HABITS. Poor folks feel fate controls life - so if something goes wrong and they’re punished, they’ll probably repeat it, because they don’t believe they can really change. Lots of impulsive decisions and little planning. Middle class believes it can change its own life. The wealthy think they shape the world. Food is symbolic in poverty (eat in bulk, be proud of it - overweight is a badge), while in wealth, presentation and being underweight (to fit designer clothes) matter. Poor houses are noisy, rich ones eerily quiet. Poor expect the person with money to share. If you have resources, you “owe” it to help, whether you want to or not.
FINDING YOUR CLASS FIT. If you’re from different classes, one parent might fit in better at a school meeting than the other. Among your friends and partners, ask who feels most “at home” in what group.
SOCIAL MOBILITY AND RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS. If you want to climb the ladder, get a wealthy mentor - and remember, when you partner up, you’re both entering the new world together; mutual respect is vital. To really move up, you’ll need to learn things like… golf. And being aware of who dominates in relationships matters: competing (assertive and self-focused power moves), accommodating (unassertive, people-pleasing, self-sacrifice), compromising (middle ground), avoiding (withdraw from conflict entirely), and collaborating (dig into real issues, satisfy both, resolve tension together).
MAINTENANCE, REPAIR, AND COMMITMENT. Personal commitment + shared interests + communication are essential. Covey says long-lasting relationships are built by understanding each other, minding the small stuff, honoring commitments, clarifying expectations, showing integrity, and giving heartfelt apologies.

[Kyla · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title probably undermines the content of the book, as the subject matter is really important for most aspects of your life, not just having a relationship with a partner / spouse.
The book is chock full of situations that seem so obvious once they are described, but forces you to address stereotypes in a way that helps you understand the root of the generalizations.
It seperates out society into Poverty, Middle Class and Wealth and then describes the Hidden Rules for successfully negotiating relationships in these classes. From rearing a child to holiday meals.

It's an eye opener. Easy to read, to the point and short.
A must read / consider for all people to better understand everyone around them.

[Raya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Her premise deals with cross-"class" marriages, but in reality, this book is a fantastic guide to the actions and mores of the working class, middle class, and upper class. Ninety percent of the book can be applied to life outside of marriage entirely. I highly recommend for anyone who is new to American culture, who finds themselves in a workplace operating by the "rules" of another class, or who simply wants to be better prepared to interact with people across class boundaries in every area of life. Great book.

[Tamar · Rating 3 out of 5]

My mother read about this author and decided to buy this book, so I read it over Rosh Hashana. It's definitely interesting to see the different mindsets of the different classes and little hidden rules of each class. But, she doesn't account for subgroups, like Religion, and it gets repetitve...

[Casey · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is certainly not a book I would have read on my own (thanks, Los Angeles Book Club!), but it definitely gave me much to think about, especially regarding my students and the different families I am a part of.

[Marjorie Elwood · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eye-opening. I hadn't realized how many of our behaviors and attitudes are shaped by the socio-economic worlds in which we grow up. This is one of a series of books by Dr. Payne on socio-economic differences that has spawned Bridges out of Poverty organizations.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is so much here that I wish I would have know earlier in my marriage about people who come from different social groups.