Married for God: Making Your Marriage the Best it Can be

by Christopher Ash

Rare book

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Theology, Christian Living, Nonfiction, Christianity, Family

174 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2007

About the author

Christopher Ash works for the Proclamation Trust in London as director of the Cornhill Training Course. He is also writer in residence at Tyndale House in Cambridge, and is the author of several books, including Out of the Storm: Grappling with God in the Book of Job and Teaching Romans. He is married to Carolyn and they have three sons and one daughter.

Reviews

[grllopez ~ with freedom and books · Rating 5 out of 5]

A radical view of marriage - radical only because we humans have cheapened the purpose and heart of marriage. If you are preparing for marriage, struggling in marriage, or teach marriage classes, you need to read this. And even if you are single, there is still a message for you in this book. : )
My review: Married for God.

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I started this book, I thought it'd be a 4-star. But it didn't take me long to be convinced to bump it up to five.

While short and not terribly in-depth, Married for God relentlessly pursues God's purpose for marriage. Using Scripture, Christopher Ash clearly and definitively breaks down the different pieces of marriage and how they fit into God's plan. I loved his tone, I loved how clearly he describes things, I love how sure he speaks when God is clear and how much room he leaves for those things Scripture is silent on.

Is this a perfect book? No way. For one thing, it's not very practical. He isn't concerned with telling you the five steps to better communication. He's more concerned with walking through why sex is the way it is, what a marriage is for, and how we should think about our relationship with our spouse. Five steps to a better marriage this book is not.

It's also not terribly long. I found myself regularly wanting him to go deeper on some of these subjects, but Ash is happy to make his point and move on. Not horrible, but it certainly left me wanting at parts. (To his credit, he has written a much fuller book meant for seminary and pastoral training which goes into significantly more depth).

Even so, I think this is an important book on marriage. If I had to pinpoint the best use of this book, I'd say marriage counseling; especially in young marriages or marriages with new Christians. It would also be an excellent resource for premarital counseling if handled well by the counselor and teamed up with other, more practical books.

5/5.

[Luann · Rating 5 out of 5]

In 29 years of marriage, this is the best book I've read on the topic. It's the one I'll be giving to friends and adult children considering marriage, but it's also excellent for anyone, including those who have been married for decades and those who are single.
I'm putting this quote from the book here to remind me how I am to respond to my six married children: "Parents must not tear apart the marriages of their children, by being tiresomely interfering or by not giving them space to grow together and to form a new family unit. Parents must understand that their son or daughter has, in a vital sense, left them. Not that the son or daughter ceases to love them, to be loyal to them, to honor them, to care for them in old age, and so on, but they have left their childhood home, and their parents are no longer their next of kin. Interfering parents have been sadly instrumental in the deaths of a number of marriages, and we must not do this. If we do, we have God against us."

[Ana Paula Nunes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eu espero que esse livro seja lançado em português.
Grata por esse livro e pelo autor e sua esposa, amigos queridos.

[Peter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Second only to The Meaning of Marriage by TK in terms of the best books to prepare you for marriage.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Second read-through:
We were recently asked by a couple considering engagement what book would define Christian marriage for them, and this is the one I recommended. We enjoyed reading it through with them, and the couple shared that it had been very clarifying. This is NOT a marriage advice book; this is just a straight-up Bible-soaked theology of marriage.
_____________________________________

First read-through:
This is not the flashiest marriage book out there, but it's one of the best--and maybe my favorite I've ever read. Richly theological, this book relies on the timeless Word to define marriage and meditate on its implications. I was expecting a good solid reminder, but I got my mind blown several times.

[Deon · Rating 5 out of 5]

What is the purpose of marriage? Christopher Ash does a great job with answering this and explaining the “why” we should get married. This book does not focus on the “love” factor of marriage, but the purpose of marriage is in service to God.

This book is for engaged, newly-married, and the for those married a long time. The questions at the end of the chapter are engaging and would help bring up good conversation with your spouse.

“The heart of marriage is faithfulness”

*This is an ARC from the publisher via Netgalley. No review, positive or otherwise, was required—all opinions are my own.*

[Bill Forgeard · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the best marriage books I've read -- this is now a book I will recommend on marriage! A fairly short, easy to read God-centred, gospel centred, encouraging, practical, biblical, theological book about marriage.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book for anyone! I loved the scenarios at the beginning of each chapter, how Bible rich it was yet still really easy to read, and found the discussion questions at the back really helpful.

I'd recommend this book to those whether married, thinking of getting married, or even single and thinking about God's plan and purposes for marriages and how to support our married friends, it's definitely worth the read 👌

[Patrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is one of a number I have read on understanding and improving marriages. Highly theological in its content makes it an important read. We prefer to work our marriages out by ourselves rather than look to God for guidance. This book by Christopher Ash advises to look to the Bible for guidance and assistance. For me this one was not an incredibly easy read but for others it will be. A very challenging book with a refreshing unapologetic approach.

[Weston Schnetz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good, but a bit repetitive.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not gonna lie, I mostly read this to get my Goodreads count up to 50 for 2022.

Clear and warm, but mostly about the purpose of marriage rather than its messy mechanics day-to-day.

[Cap · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book does an excellent job of being rhetorically robust and deeply grounded in Scripture--and all with an economic word count.

[Matty Lavelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic book that goes right up against the grain of culture! It highlights the core truths of marriage and it's purpose for God, written in a way that is both encouraging and warming the heart while poking it and challenging your world view.

[Tracey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ash makes most of the points you’d expect in a Christian book about marriage, though from the great things I’d heard about the author, I was surprised some of his main arguments didn’t seem very well supported. Probably the most controversial statement he makes is that it would actually be wrong for a married couple to deliberately not have children, but his support for this argument is a very strange (well, to me, at least) interpretation of Luke 20:36, when Jesus responds to the Sadducees who ask whose wife the widow married to each of seven brothers would be in the resurrection. Ash says, “Jesus explains that in the resurrection there will be no more marriage, because ‘they cannot die any more’. That is, very simply, in the age to come there will be no more death, and therefore there will be no more need for the next generation, and therefore no need for marriage. But until there is no more death, we need generations of children; and this is what marriage is for" (ch. 3). I don’t think I agree that all of those conclusions can be drawn from the passage.

On the plus side, I found his deliberation of 1 Corinthians 7 quite helpful as he pointed out that while Paul essentially says that marriage introduces new complications into one's life, the apostle is not suggesting that singleness is "more spiritual" (ch. 7). Neither state is right nor wrong, and in both, people should still be loving God and others well.

[Eric Chappell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredible resource that probably flies under the radar of most looking for books on marriage.

Married for God was a clear and concise explanation of the 'Why?' of marriage, which Ash refers to as "sex in the service of God." In short, Ash walks the reader around the boundaries and shape of marriage, and lastly seeks to enter into the heart of marriage itself, which intriguingly he refers to as the heart of the universe. But I won't give it all away.

This book is very readable and would be perfect for Christians, couples considering marriage, engaged couples, and married couples. Basically: everyone. There are questions at the end of each chapter making it suitable for a premarital counseling resource.

Personally, my favorite section of this book was the last two chapters which dealt with the issue of singleness (in my opinion, Ash does one of the best jobs I've read of explaining the "single" passages in the Gospels and Pauline epistles) and with the heart of marriage, walking us basically through redemptive history and the heart of The Bridegroom.

[Glenn Crouch · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for Christians on Marriage. I would highly recommend it. It is very "Bible based" and I mean that in a good way :) as it also focuses well on God's grace.

So many books, even Christian ones, seem to focus on "romance" and on "being in love" - and whilst these are marvellous gifts from God - I believe the Author correctly emphasises the Faithfullness that is the basis of Marriage.

Well worth a read for those thinking about Marriage as well as those who have been married for any amount of time (we are 29 years this year).

I've read dozens of Marriage books over the past 30+ years, and I would say this is currently the best out there that I have read, and will be recommending it and using it as a Pastor :)

[Louise · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wish I could give this 3 1/2 stars. It's well-written and a good resource for pastors and counsellors. It won't appeal to seekers or non-Christians or couples hunting for practical suggestions. This book is really a polemic on marriage, not a how-to at all. It discusses the philosophical underpinnings and Scriptural justification for marriage as a tool of the Lord to impact the world. Its slightly tongue-in-cheek motto is, "Sex in the service of God," as it fleshes out the three traditional reasons for marriage (procreation, relationship and mission).

[Hadlai · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5
I obviously can't speak from the perspective of a married person, but as a single person, I found this to be an excellent, excellent book. Despite the fact that it's full of uncomfortable truths for both marrieds and singles alike, I could not put it down, and I feel I've closed it with a better idea of who I am as a single Christian, and what I should expect if I ever find myself in a serious relationship.
Everything Ash says, he supports with Scripture, and he fills in the spaces with solid theology.

[Cliff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read. I especially liked the chapter on children. Paradigm shifting.

[Jaden A · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is featured in PTC 251 – Marriage Counseling at Westminster Theological Seminary. One of the stated purposes of the book is for individual use (one need not be married to read it). Since I’m only closer today to being married than I was yesterday, I figure that I would do well to know what marriage is in the first place.

This book gave me a grander vision of what marriage is, and of equal importance, what it is not. Protestantism has typically had its focus on the marriage relationship, but all too often nowadays a Christian's reason for desiring marriage is born out wanting romance, sex, etc. While not negating the importance of these gifts within a marriage, they can easily become idolatrous ambitions which only provide a person a myopic view of the marriage covenant.

Christopher Ash focuses on interpreting marriage through themes in the early passages of Genesis. Marriage is for relationship, vocation, children, and for public order—theological motifs that should not go unnoticed. Adam’s duty in the garden was to work and keep the garden. Eve was his helper. So too each Christian man and woman have a vocation in which they serve God in governing the created order. We bear children not only because they are a blessing but also because we fill the world with a godly seed, giving increase to the number of faithful laborers for the kingdom, etc. We also recognize that we are sexual beings and that it is the normal created order for a man to take a wife for sake of sexual relationship. In fact, the institution of marriage is for public order.

A few points of departure I have with the author—Ash seems to think that the scriptures do not attest much to wedding customs. I probably would disagree. Additionally, Ash is convinced that as a general rule Christian singles do not serve God better than they otherwise would if they were married. However, he still thinks that it is a matter of Christian freedom and that one should not let someone else tell them as to whether or not to marry. Why think this? I would beg to differ.

Overall, a great book for singles, engaged couples, and those already married. I do think however, that the church would do well in recommending resources like this to singles as it will allow them to better understand what marriage is, and thus be better equipped in seeking out a partner for a marriage that is in service to God.

[Basayre · Rating 2 out of 5]

As I’m working to develop a more robust theology of marriage this is the first resource I’ve read. Ash uses the motto “Sex in the Service of God” as his admittedly oversimplified definition of marriage and argues that the three purposes for married are children, relationship, and public order, all under the umbrella of being in service to God. While I agree that these are all part of Gods purpose for marriage, I really struggled with the way Ash presented his arguments. It felt like something was chafing or missing, but it wasn’t till the very end of the book that I was able to put my finger on what felt off. I am growing to believe that the *primary* purpose of marriage is to reflect the image of the Godhead, and reflect the relationship of Jesus and the church, pointing to and imaging those relationships and presenting THEM to the watching world as desirable and beautiful (h/t to Dr. Merkh for clarifying this concept for me). Children, relationship, and social order can all flow out of that foundational principle. While Ash may have touched on this (I think he did), it wasn’t in a way that clearly made it paramount. On the whole the book was okay, but would not be my first choice if I were recommending a book on the theology of marriage to others. That said, it did help me develop a better theology of marriage by making me irritated enough to try and figure out what felt off.

[Tim Maddock · Rating 4 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book to any Christian - married, engaged or single. In this book, Christopher paints a beautiful picture of marriage that is grounded in the gospel and in God's character. The final two chapters were particular highlights where Christopher explains how marriage should be underpinned by faithfulness or steadfast love rather than 'romantic feelings, and how all people - whether married or unmarried - are invited to the ultimate fulfilling marriage with Jesus Christ in our life to come. I also appreciated his careful treatment of how to think about singleness.

What prevented it from getting 5 stars? While the book does a great job of explaining husband headship and wife of submission in the context of the person of Jesus, some actual practical suggestions for what this looks like in practice would have been really helpful (to his credit, Christopher says in the book he intentionally avoided including practical examples). I also felt the arguments in favour of 'all married couples should want children' were rather thin (and possibly lacking nuance) and inconsistent with Christopher's level of confidence in his position.

[Emily Wildt · Rating 4 out of 5]

“…marriage is not the remedy for loneliness. Wherever there is fellowship there is God’s remedy for loneliness. But all human beings are invited into fellowship with God and one another in Jesus Christ.”

“…the key to a good marriage is not to pursue a good marriage, but to pursue the honor of God.”


“Submission is widely misunderstood. People think that it means that the woman has to be a cowering servant, to be seen and not heard, scurrying around doing everything she is told, always being forced to pick up the worst jobs in the home, and certainly not being allowed to work outside the home.”

“To submit is not a passive thing; it does not mean to be made subject or forced into subjection.”

“Both the husband, in his cross-shaped love, and the wife, in her cross-shaped submission, are to follow in the footsteps of Jesus.”

[Emily Schaal · Rating 4 out of 5]

A theology of marriage that gives lots of biblical support and is easy to read. It is not meant to be a practical guide to the details of marriage (how to handle finances or work through disagreements) and would need to be supplemented with other material if it were used for premarital counseling. It is valuable as a tool to work through how the Bible defines marriage and its purposes.

[Brooke Ryan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really good discussion questions! Some ambiguous and redundant thoughts that I’ve heard a lot. There were some new ideas thrown out, too which sparked more discussion. A worthwhile read if you’re looking for deeper conversations with your partner while engaged or married.

[Peter Yock · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great read - the final chapter and the conclusion were by far the best. A rich, biblical, gospel-centred defense and explanation of Christian marriage. We read it with a couple for pre/post marriage counseling because they'd already read the other book we usually use. We found it a good balance of simple and easy yet weighty and practical. There was the occasional paragraph where I found things a bit iffy... but I suspect that has more to do with Christopher Ash keeping his explanations brief in this work as he's elaborated on them far more in his 'fatter' version of the same book - which is still on my to-read list.

[Tori Samar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Perhaps this book's subtitle, Making Your Marriage the Best It Can Be, gives the impression that this is just another how-to book on marriage. But it's actually not. Christopher Ash is primarily concerned with answering the question "What ought our purpose to be in marriage?" His short and sweet answer is simultaneously common-sense and radical: we ought to want what God wants in marriage. No doubt any well-meaning Christian can hear that statement and respond, "Well, duh." But Ash makes it abundantly clear how many Christians and non-Christians alike don't pursue marriage with God's expectations front and center. And so, he spends the rest of the book telling us what God wants.

Here are just a few of my favorite takeaways:
1) Ash does an excellent job showing how the complementarian pattern for marriage allows a husband and wife to live out cross-shaped love and cross-shaped submission, respectively.
2) Ash graciously discusses both marriage and singleness without denigrating one in favor of the other. God intends married people to serve Him through their marriage, and single people to serve Him through their singleness. Either way, the point is devoted service to God.
3) Ash emphasizes that marriage is not God's answer to human loneliness. Fellowship within Christian community is. Once couples realize this truth, they are freed from trying to be everything that their spouse needs. They are freed from missing out on valuable relationships outside their marriage. Instead, they can focus on serving God side-by-side.
4) Ash asserts that the heart of marriage is faithfulness, or steadfast love (not wishy-washy feelings and desires). He references the term steadfast love deliberately, since it is an English translation of the Hebrew term hesed, God's unfailing covenant love toward His people (even when they are unfaithful to Him). Patterning one's marriage according to faithfulness/steadfast love elevates commitment and forgiveness.

So if you're looking for a practical book on marriage, this isn't it. But if you want to get theoretical and theological and reconsider how marriage fits into God's grand plan for His world, then this is definitely a book you should try. If God ever chooses to make marriage a possibility in my life, I will definitely be returning to this book!

(Read for the 2017 Tim Challies Christian Reading Challenge: A book about marriage)

[Jeanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Faithfulness is the heart of marriage, because it is the heart of God.

With the direction of the culture, it is time for Christians to understand the purpose of marriage. This is not a study that marriage is better. It is a freedom for the Christian to choose marriage and serve God in our marriage or to choose being single and serving God in our singleness. Each decision leads to holiness and purpose of building the kingdom of God by revealing the character of God. Marriage and singleness is a vehicle to build faithfulness. To reveal our selfishness and God's generosity.

The biggest misconception of marriage is that marriage is the answer to loneliness. However, in many marriages, loneliness is amplified in marriage. Many are left feeling more alone. If this is your situation, this read will remind you where the focus needs to be. Not on our loneliness but on God's faithfulness.

One of my favorite verses speaks on this very subject Isaiah 54:5 For your Maker is your husband,
the Lord of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.

6
For the Lord has called you
like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
says your God.

7
For a brief moment I deserted you,
but with great compassion I will gather you

The study touches on the history of biblical marriage - starting with Adam and Eve and the significance of marriage. God's purpose in marriage that family is governed and connected. How marriage provides protection for the vulnerable because marriage is a covenant, a promise, a commitment to serve each other. How marriage can be destructive when marriage is self-serving.

Any healthy relationship requires boundaries, and the marriage relationship to be good, requires boundaries to prevent chaos and destruction. It is living in these boundaries that we can make our marriages the best it can be. A good study to reflect on your own Christian marriage and to strengthen it by honoring the gift of marriage.

A Special Thank You to Crossway and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.

[David Rogers · Rating 5 out of 5]

I believe I've found the book that I would base a marriage retreat on or what book I would use for a couple in pre-marital counseling. Christopher Ash's book, Married for God, is a thoroughly biblically-based book that doesn't fall into the two most common pitfalls for marriage related titles (either being too practical and skimping on the Bible or too theoretical and grazing over the practical). Married for God by Christopher Ash lays out a biblical framework, boundary, expectation, direction, and commitment for marriage.

Without going too in-depth, to summarize Ash's main point, which he argues well that it is the Bible's central point for marriage also, he frames marriage in this manner:

"[S]ex in the service of God. Like all mottos, this simplifies my point. I do not mean to suggest marriage is only about sex. But it is sex that distinguishes marriage from any other friendship or partnership. By "sex" in this motto, I mean... for the marriage relationship in all its fullness: in intimacy, friendship, partnership, fun, and faithfulness."
Married for God Loc. 377

The entirety of this book flows around this point.

The book has been a good refresher personally in what God has ordained our marriage to be. Especially in ministry, it can become easy to focus on what you as an individual contribute to the ministry, and we can sometimes forget to look al how our marriage as a whole serves this ministry as well. Also, it can be easy for us to forget to work on our marriage continually, so I found this book a needed challenge to some of my default tendencies. It has brought a challenge to how our marriage functions, flows through its rhythms, and seeks to be used for serving those around us. Personally, my favorite chapters were the ones on Headship-submission and singleness. He does an excellent, biblical, and fair treatment as to what these things practically look like.

I also found this to be a timely piece in regards to counseling others. Ash does an excellent job of breaking down the logic of other views that oppose the Bible's teaching on marriage. He also helps show how the scripture and logic come together to show the Biblical teaching on marriage to be the best option. This was helpful as we took some of our partners through the book of Ephesians, and as we came to Chapter 5 (Submission and Headship), it helped me be able to lovingly counsel and direct our partners to what a biblical marriage looks like.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone wanting to prepare for, refresh on, or teach others about marriage. There is so much one could share about this book, but overall know it is thoroughly biblical and practical treatment on marriage, its purpose, and its inner workings.

My Three Favorite Quotes:

On why man and woman:
"It is worth asking why, when Adam needed a helper, God chose to make the woman, rather than another man. For, at risk of seeming either trivial or politically incorrect, we would have to admit that purely in terms of averages, another male might have been stronger! So why the woman?...[One reason is] if one gardener is not enough for such a great garden, nor will two be. They need to start a whole family of gardeners!"
Loc 440

On a common pitfall in marriage:
"The moment I make my "relationship" the goal of my life, I doom myself to disappointment. Surprisingly, the key to a good marriage is not to pursue a good marriage, but to pursue the honor of God. We need to replace this selfish model of marriage with one in which we work side by side in God's "Garden" (that is, God's world), rather than gaze forever into each other's eyes."
Loc. 538

On the misconception of the gift of singleness:
"It is a common misunderstanding to think that I know whether I have the gift of singleness by whether or not I feel happy to be single...This idea that the gift equates to the desire is wrong... [because] I know which "gift" I have by a very simple test: If I am married, I have the gift of marriage; if I am not married, I have the gift of being unmarried. My circumstances are God's gracious gift to me, and I am to learn to accept them from His hand as such."
Loc. 1722

I received a free copy from the publisher. No review, positive or otherwise, was required—all opinions are my own.