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Three Dads and a Baby: Adventures in Modern Parenting
Families come in all forms, but parental love is universal . . .
As a closeted teen, Ian wondered if he would ever be able to live openly with a male partner. Years later, he had not one but two partners in a polyamorous Throuple—what more could he ask for? But something was still missing . . .
Join Ian and his partners, Alan and Jeremy, as they embark on a sometimes hilarious, sometimes tearful quest to become parents. They run the IVF failures, the threat of Zika virus, the urgent hunt for a new doctor, pregnancy-threatening bleeds, costly legal battles and a reluctant superior court judge.
Ultimately the grace of women—embryo donors, their egg donor, their surrogate, even a surprise milk donor—allow them to complete their family with one perfect girl, and become the first polyamorous family ever named as the legal parents of a child.
As a closeted teen, Ian wondered if he would ever be able to live openly with a male partner. Years later, he had not one but two partners in a polyamorous Throuple—what more could he ask for? But something was still missing . . .
Join Ian and his partners, Alan and Jeremy, as they embark on a sometimes hilarious, sometimes tearful quest to become parents. They run the IVF failures, the threat of Zika virus, the urgent hunt for a new doctor, pregnancy-threatening bleeds, costly legal battles and a reluctant superior court judge.
Ultimately the grace of women—embryo donors, their egg donor, their surrogate, even a surprise milk donor—allow them to complete their family with one perfect girl, and become the first polyamorous family ever named as the legal parents of a child.
288 pages, Paperback
Published March 9, 2021
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
December 9, 2021
brb crying into my leftover chipotle in my office break room
February 12, 2026
This was not a particularly enthralling book to read. Despite being about a polyamorous relationship between three men and their journey to parenting, which immediately intrigued me, it reads very clinical and dry.
A good portion of the book gets repetitive, such as the running tally of costs. I felt like so much time was spent on certain things that could have been summed up quickly. Honestly, a bunch of whining about hundreds of dollars on sperm testing for someone who has no problem spending $23K on a donor cycle trying to get eggs so "every dad had one that was biologically his" after the first set failed to produce a viable embryo for each man was incongruent.
In fact, I felt like the entire story had an air of privilege to it that was hard to ignore. To his credit, author/doctor Ian states this fact directly at the end of the book. The conclusion speaks to the massive amount of privilege his family had with two physician incomes and a highly supportive network of family and friends as part of his motivations for writing out this story. He makes it clear that their journey is proof that IVF with surrogacy is possible yet extremely hard to attain even with their financial resources, medical knowledge and connections. And he admits there was luck on their side in how they looked affecting their ability to persist and convince authority figures to support their cause. I liked that he shed light on these struggles for less privileged families, and chooses to advocate for them.
I didn't really appreciate the insinuation that everyone is denying themselves the desire to be poly, or how he characterized heterosexual marriages and families at times. For someone who didn't want to be judged for being polyamorous, he made a lot of assumptions. If your kids sleep through the night, are adventurous eaters, are early speakers, etc, is not usually up to you. Often the actual parenting plays only a small role in all of those things. And, honestly, the sexual preferences and relationships of the adults raising them is super irrelevant. A lot of the benefits of what he attributed to being in a throuple is possible with a good support network in general.
I did appreciate that he mentioned that women were the biggest factor in supporting his three-dad-family and that men get judged by different standards with parenting. This was very validating.
I loved what he wrote about not being sure he would be a good dad until the baby was actually there in person - my husband had the same transformation.
This book was highly informative and gave a lot of insight into a world I knew nothing about, and for that, I am glad to have read it.
And the ending was sweet - though someone should tell Ian that everyone thinks their kids are the best ever, boring monogamous straight-presenting people like myself included. 🤪
A good portion of the book gets repetitive, such as the running tally of costs. I felt like so much time was spent on certain things that could have been summed up quickly. Honestly, a bunch of whining about hundreds of dollars on sperm testing for someone who has no problem spending $23K on a donor cycle trying to get eggs so "every dad had one that was biologically his" after the first set failed to produce a viable embryo for each man was incongruent.
In fact, I felt like the entire story had an air of privilege to it that was hard to ignore. To his credit, author/doctor Ian states this fact directly at the end of the book. The conclusion speaks to the massive amount of privilege his family had with two physician incomes and a highly supportive network of family and friends as part of his motivations for writing out this story. He makes it clear that their journey is proof that IVF with surrogacy is possible yet extremely hard to attain even with their financial resources, medical knowledge and connections. And he admits there was luck on their side in how they looked affecting their ability to persist and convince authority figures to support their cause. I liked that he shed light on these struggles for less privileged families, and chooses to advocate for them.
I didn't really appreciate the insinuation that everyone is denying themselves the desire to be poly, or how he characterized heterosexual marriages and families at times. For someone who didn't want to be judged for being polyamorous, he made a lot of assumptions. If your kids sleep through the night, are adventurous eaters, are early speakers, etc, is not usually up to you. Often the actual parenting plays only a small role in all of those things. And, honestly, the sexual preferences and relationships of the adults raising them is super irrelevant. A lot of the benefits of what he attributed to being in a throuple is possible with a good support network in general.
I did appreciate that he mentioned that women were the biggest factor in supporting his three-dad-family and that men get judged by different standards with parenting. This was very validating.
I loved what he wrote about not being sure he would be a good dad until the baby was actually there in person - my husband had the same transformation.
This book was highly informative and gave a lot of insight into a world I knew nothing about, and for that, I am glad to have read it.
And the ending was sweet - though someone should tell Ian that everyone thinks their kids are the best ever, boring monogamous straight-presenting people like myself included. 🤪
Read
April 24, 2026Reads in parts like a long, cranky Yelp review of various fertility clinics/doctors/accessory services.
July 25, 2021
Ian asked for a review "good or bad", so I'll oblige with a little of both:
Good: BEAUTIFULLY written
Bad: Eugenics slant
Good: A sorely needed voice for normalizing polyamory
Bad: Consideration of exploitation of international women for surrogacy
Great: Ian's love for his partners and his honesty about his thoughts and feelings is so refreshing and gives me hope for humanity 💜
Thanks for writing this book, Ian! All the love to you and your family!
Good: BEAUTIFULLY written
Bad: Eugenics slant
Good: A sorely needed voice for normalizing polyamory
Bad: Consideration of exploitation of international women for surrogacy
Great: Ian's love for his partners and his honesty about his thoughts and feelings is so refreshing and gives me hope for humanity 💜
Thanks for writing this book, Ian! All the love to you and your family!
April 30, 2021
Enjoyable read - building a unusual family with love, science, and law
Ian, one of the titular 3 dads, tells the story of his polyamorous family’s quest to become parents. They have amazingly generous help from friends and are admittedly unusually well-resourced and well-situated to deal with challenges, but still have enormous hurdles with not only the biological complications of modern IVF and surrogacy, but also the red tape and unnecessary expense piled on by the medical and legal professions. Dr. Ian gives hard numbers for their expenses and names names when it comes to professionals creating obstacles. The author is also an excellent storyteller, giving the reader heartwarming vignettes of their family life and touching stories of the protagonists’ parents coming around after some difficult times “coming out” as gay and polyam. He also shares his own every-parent worries about becoming a dad and caring for an infant. As someone who raised five kids (3 stepkids, 2 bio kids, all under 10) in what was then a traditional monogamous marriage, I found the author to be just a little bit too smug about the sleep he was getting and the activities his family was pursuing while caring for a newborn, but maybe that was just envy on my part. I highly recommend this short and very readable book.
Ian, one of the titular 3 dads, tells the story of his polyamorous family’s quest to become parents. They have amazingly generous help from friends and are admittedly unusually well-resourced and well-situated to deal with challenges, but still have enormous hurdles with not only the biological complications of modern IVF and surrogacy, but also the red tape and unnecessary expense piled on by the medical and legal professions. Dr. Ian gives hard numbers for their expenses and names names when it comes to professionals creating obstacles. The author is also an excellent storyteller, giving the reader heartwarming vignettes of their family life and touching stories of the protagonists’ parents coming around after some difficult times “coming out” as gay and polyam. He also shares his own every-parent worries about becoming a dad and caring for an infant. As someone who raised five kids (3 stepkids, 2 bio kids, all under 10) in what was then a traditional monogamous marriage, I found the author to be just a little bit too smug about the sleep he was getting and the activities his family was pursuing while caring for a newborn, but maybe that was just envy on my part. I highly recommend this short and very readable book.
April 9, 2021
3.5 stars. An interesting read. The cost of their journey to have a child was a huge burden and would be cost prohibitive for many/most. And I understand that some of those costs were either 1. discriminatory in origin, or 2. part of the issue of medical excess.
However, I felt like the author was also unfairly critical of lawyers and (ironically) other doctors. It's so easy to see one thing from the outside and decide that it is outrageous to change X price for so little apparent effort. But he of all people should understand that the short effort you see is only made possible by years and years of training, and taking on certain risks and liabilities. Plus, for the lawyers, in many cases they had their hands tied by government regulations. Those regulations may be wrong and/or discriminatory, but that doesn't mean that the lawyers weren't stuck following them, if they wanted a legal outcome. These bits bothered me.
However, I felt like the author was also unfairly critical of lawyers and (ironically) other doctors. It's so easy to see one thing from the outside and decide that it is outrageous to change X price for so little apparent effort. But he of all people should understand that the short effort you see is only made possible by years and years of training, and taking on certain risks and liabilities. Plus, for the lawyers, in many cases they had their hands tied by government regulations. Those regulations may be wrong and/or discriminatory, but that doesn't mean that the lawyers weren't stuck following them, if they wanted a legal outcome. These bits bothered me.
February 20, 2023
I'm a fan of seeing more visibility of nontraditional families parenting with love. This was a wonderful story of three men in a committed relationship doing whatever it took to give their daughter the best life possible. I thoroughly enjoyed the backstory of how this throuple came to be, as well as their journey to becoming parents. It made me so happy to read about how supportive their friends and families were, and I was rooting every step of the way through the legal battles and IVF/pregnancy/delivery challenges. It's a heartwarming story, and I'm so glad they decided to share it with the world.
June 23, 2026
This book made me laugh out loud, tear up, smile and exclaim out loud at various points. It is the beautiful telling of a love story between numerous people: partners, parent to child, friends who become family and by the end you as the reader fall in love with this family. It is also educational (without being preachy or boring) and shines a light on needed changes in our legal and medical systems.
February 12, 2026
I picked this up idly but checked it out because it had numbers, lovely lovely numbers! I love knowing what everything cost! Also at the exact moment I was sourly thinking "must be nice" (re paid time off) Jenkins was like "you can also have a second boyfriend in the Teamsters union, nobody's stopping you". Zing! I got zinged!
April 5, 2021
This was a really interesting read, as well as a look at the privilege that some families have in starting families.
I am pleased for the author and his partners that they succeeded against the odds in created the family that they wanted.
I am pleased for the author and his partners that they succeeded against the odds in created the family that they wanted.
June 23, 2021
Surely a very different definition of a family! 3 dads and a surrogate mom. It obviously helps if you have lots of money. Ian kept exact records and figures their first child cost them $120,912.70! Kids don't come cheap. I liked their care, concern and love of family.
April 17, 2021
Moving, touching story of a throuple's journey and experiences of becoming parents. Wonderful story and great read.
July 29, 2022
Love this book very much. It warms my heart and cracks me up often.
November 3, 2023
3.25 ⭐️
June 13, 2024
An interesting account of how three men in a committed polycule strive to become parents, depicting the social, legal, medical, and financial costs to do so.
June 1, 2026
Cute story but I can't get past the painful millennial Disney adult commentary that kept popping up.
March 24, 2024
this was FANTASTIC!!! I loved it!!!
January 4, 2023
I put this on both my merica shelf and my California shelf because the author talks about laws in different states and live in California; laws about surrogacy, IVF, gay marriage, paternal leave, and birth certificates. I appreciated Ian's medical background and how he wish the medical field would change in logical aspects. I also found Ian to be likable, reasonable, relatable, authentic, at times playful, respectful, and knowledgeable.
I was warmed by hearing about the trials and successes of this lovely family. Made me miss my Santa Cruz days and the "family" I experienced there and participated in as an ally.
I was so happy at their legal success at having all three fathers listed on their little one's birth certificate and how they stuck up for themselves at the hospital to obtain the wrist bans for visiting her.
I was warmed by hearing about the trials and successes of this lovely family. Made me miss my Santa Cruz days and the "family" I experienced there and participated in as an ally.
I was so happy at their legal success at having all three fathers listed on their little one's birth certificate and how they stuck up for themselves at the hospital to obtain the wrist bans for visiting her.
May 6, 2024
The author does a good job of weaving introspective personal storytelling with factual information. I’m annoyed but not surprised about the ridiculous hoops that lgbt+ families have to jump through because of discriminatory laws. It was a heartwarming journey
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews