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Three Dads and a Baby: Adventures in Modern Parenting
Families come in all forms, but parental love is universal . . .
As a closeted teen, Ian wondered if he would ever be able to live openly with a male partner. Years later, he had not one but two partners in a polyamorous Throuple—what more could he ask for? But something was still missing . . .
Join Ian and his partners, Alan and Jeremy, as they embark on a sometimes hilarious, sometimes tearful quest to become parents. They run the IVF failures, the threat of Zika virus, the urgent hunt for a new doctor, pregnancy-threatening bleeds, costly legal battles and a reluctant superior court judge.
Ultimately the grace of women—embryo donors, their egg donor, their surrogate, even a surprise milk donor—allow them to complete their family with one perfect girl, and become the first polyamorous family ever named as the legal parents of a child.
As a closeted teen, Ian wondered if he would ever be able to live openly with a male partner. Years later, he had not one but two partners in a polyamorous Throuple—what more could he ask for? But something was still missing . . .
Join Ian and his partners, Alan and Jeremy, as they embark on a sometimes hilarious, sometimes tearful quest to become parents. They run the IVF failures, the threat of Zika virus, the urgent hunt for a new doctor, pregnancy-threatening bleeds, costly legal battles and a reluctant superior court judge.
Ultimately the grace of women—embryo donors, their egg donor, their surrogate, even a surprise milk donor—allow them to complete their family with one perfect girl, and become the first polyamorous family ever named as the legal parents of a child.
288 pages, Paperback
Published March 9, 2021
15 people are currently reading
254 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
December 9, 2021
brb crying into my leftover chipotle in my office break room
May 2, 2021
This is all about bad dads--bad science, bad morals, bad politics, bad sexuality, and most importantly bad logic.
The "doctor" author is really a gay activist who is so left-leaning biased that he filters virtually every aspect of life through his distorted mind. He, like pretty much other gay authors today, tells a rough childhood story where he felt repressed and that people mistreated him. He, like most others, claims that he had it much worse than straight people--ignoring that most people no matter what gender, race, or sexuality can come up with similar stories of being mistreated.
He wants all the love he can get so concludes that we should normalize polyamory and that three men can raise a baby girl without any negative impact to the child. While he claims to be supporting of women, for three men to intentionally birth and raise a girl without a permanent female role model could be interpreted as anti-feminist.
For example, he quotes Margaret Mead that every woman should marry three times as proof that polyamory is supported by science. This book is filled with examples of how "science" can mishandle "facts" and "data" to draw conclusions that are simply subjective opinions driven by personal agendas and radical activism.
Ironically, they encounter a strong-willed doctor during the pregnancy who says some things they don't like, and this author/doctor takes the other to task. Maybe he should learn from that.
Beyond the unique baby-making story, the book is terribly written. The ends of chapters include scores of the cost involved in acquiring a child. That's romantic and loving, isn't it? Along the way there are footnotes--but some are at the end of the book and others are at the bottom of the page. It all goes on and on with minute details mixed with asides to throw in incomplete data. It is in need of a good editor to question much of what Jenkins is claiming since it's so lop-sided and biased.
Worst is the tired criticism of conservatives and Christians. These three wouldn't consider one female relative as a surrogate because she was "religious" and may not agree with them having an abortion if they felt like doing away with the baby during the pregnancy! Hard to believe three grown men actually discussed these things and put up charts last listed all the pros and cons. In some way they were smart to consider many alternatives, but they were so inside their heads that they took all the emotion and love out of the baby-making process.
I have no problem with gay guys doing whatever they legally can to parent children. I was excited at first to hear him talk so positively about having a child in a way that might make a pro-life supporter happy. But that quickly changed when he made sure to point out an embryo is "not a baby" and that he only wanted to surround himself with people who believed the same way he does. At some point he does start calling the fetus a baby, but that seems to go against his stated political beliefs. There's even a sad discussion among the men about which embryo will be used based on sex and the male donor, since sperm from all three were used in the process. This is man becoming godlike and being gleeful about it.
Then they have to get lawyers involved to get the three men listed on the birth certificate and the author rails against the system. So the point seems to be that if everyone else in the world, including the government, doesn't totally support 100% of how a polyamorous gay threesome wants to manipulate science and morality, then it's the system's fault and worthy of a lawsuit.
Jenkins acts like the baby is a possession he acquired, like ordering a custom auto from a car dealer. Once she arrives he goes overboard stating how perfect he thinks she is and how much love he has for her. If I were a highly-paid doctor with two co-parents and a surrogate friend helping to raise the child, it would seem easy to me too. In reality there's nothing easy about two average-income people raising a child, though his joyfulness is appreciated and again could be taken as pro-life (though by the end of the book we're aware that his choice could have changed at any moment).
My problem is with an elitist know-it-all jerk that mishandles facts and accumulates data to match his pre-determined biases. The book is just plain propaganda mixed throughout a somewhat interesting story about the process of having a baby with a surrogate. I pray that their little girl grows up to learn so much more than her narrow-minded dads are teaching her--to be truly open to different spiritual, political, and moral concepts that they aren't exposing her to, and reject the intolerant and judgmental activism Ian Jenkins represents.
The "doctor" author is really a gay activist who is so left-leaning biased that he filters virtually every aspect of life through his distorted mind. He, like pretty much other gay authors today, tells a rough childhood story where he felt repressed and that people mistreated him. He, like most others, claims that he had it much worse than straight people--ignoring that most people no matter what gender, race, or sexuality can come up with similar stories of being mistreated.
He wants all the love he can get so concludes that we should normalize polyamory and that three men can raise a baby girl without any negative impact to the child. While he claims to be supporting of women, for three men to intentionally birth and raise a girl without a permanent female role model could be interpreted as anti-feminist.
For example, he quotes Margaret Mead that every woman should marry three times as proof that polyamory is supported by science. This book is filled with examples of how "science" can mishandle "facts" and "data" to draw conclusions that are simply subjective opinions driven by personal agendas and radical activism.
Ironically, they encounter a strong-willed doctor during the pregnancy who says some things they don't like, and this author/doctor takes the other to task. Maybe he should learn from that.
Beyond the unique baby-making story, the book is terribly written. The ends of chapters include scores of the cost involved in acquiring a child. That's romantic and loving, isn't it? Along the way there are footnotes--but some are at the end of the book and others are at the bottom of the page. It all goes on and on with minute details mixed with asides to throw in incomplete data. It is in need of a good editor to question much of what Jenkins is claiming since it's so lop-sided and biased.
Worst is the tired criticism of conservatives and Christians. These three wouldn't consider one female relative as a surrogate because she was "religious" and may not agree with them having an abortion if they felt like doing away with the baby during the pregnancy! Hard to believe three grown men actually discussed these things and put up charts last listed all the pros and cons. In some way they were smart to consider many alternatives, but they were so inside their heads that they took all the emotion and love out of the baby-making process.
I have no problem with gay guys doing whatever they legally can to parent children. I was excited at first to hear him talk so positively about having a child in a way that might make a pro-life supporter happy. But that quickly changed when he made sure to point out an embryo is "not a baby" and that he only wanted to surround himself with people who believed the same way he does. At some point he does start calling the fetus a baby, but that seems to go against his stated political beliefs. There's even a sad discussion among the men about which embryo will be used based on sex and the male donor, since sperm from all three were used in the process. This is man becoming godlike and being gleeful about it.
Then they have to get lawyers involved to get the three men listed on the birth certificate and the author rails against the system. So the point seems to be that if everyone else in the world, including the government, doesn't totally support 100% of how a polyamorous gay threesome wants to manipulate science and morality, then it's the system's fault and worthy of a lawsuit.
Jenkins acts like the baby is a possession he acquired, like ordering a custom auto from a car dealer. Once she arrives he goes overboard stating how perfect he thinks she is and how much love he has for her. If I were a highly-paid doctor with two co-parents and a surrogate friend helping to raise the child, it would seem easy to me too. In reality there's nothing easy about two average-income people raising a child, though his joyfulness is appreciated and again could be taken as pro-life (though by the end of the book we're aware that his choice could have changed at any moment).
My problem is with an elitist know-it-all jerk that mishandles facts and accumulates data to match his pre-determined biases. The book is just plain propaganda mixed throughout a somewhat interesting story about the process of having a baby with a surrogate. I pray that their little girl grows up to learn so much more than her narrow-minded dads are teaching her--to be truly open to different spiritual, political, and moral concepts that they aren't exposing her to, and reject the intolerant and judgmental activism Ian Jenkins represents.
April 30, 2021
Enjoyable read - building a unusual family with love, science, and law
Ian, one of the titular 3 dads, tells the story of his polyamorous family’s quest to become parents. They have amazingly generous help from friends and are admittedly unusually well-resourced and well-situated to deal with challenges, but still have enormous hurdles with not only the biological complications of modern IVF and surrogacy, but also the red tape and unnecessary expense piled on by the medical and legal professions. Dr. Ian gives hard numbers for their expenses and names names when it comes to professionals creating obstacles. The author is also an excellent storyteller, giving the reader heartwarming vignettes of their family life and touching stories of the protagonists’ parents coming around after some difficult times “coming out” as gay and polyam. He also shares his own every-parent worries about becoming a dad and caring for an infant. As someone who raised five kids (3 stepkids, 2 bio kids, all under 10) in what was then a traditional monogamous marriage, I found the author to be just a little bit too smug about the sleep he was getting and the activities his family was pursuing while caring for a newborn, but maybe that was just envy on my part. I highly recommend this short and very readable book.
Ian, one of the titular 3 dads, tells the story of his polyamorous family’s quest to become parents. They have amazingly generous help from friends and are admittedly unusually well-resourced and well-situated to deal with challenges, but still have enormous hurdles with not only the biological complications of modern IVF and surrogacy, but also the red tape and unnecessary expense piled on by the medical and legal professions. Dr. Ian gives hard numbers for their expenses and names names when it comes to professionals creating obstacles. The author is also an excellent storyteller, giving the reader heartwarming vignettes of their family life and touching stories of the protagonists’ parents coming around after some difficult times “coming out” as gay and polyam. He also shares his own every-parent worries about becoming a dad and caring for an infant. As someone who raised five kids (3 stepkids, 2 bio kids, all under 10) in what was then a traditional monogamous marriage, I found the author to be just a little bit too smug about the sleep he was getting and the activities his family was pursuing while caring for a newborn, but maybe that was just envy on my part. I highly recommend this short and very readable book.
April 9, 2021
3.5 stars. An interesting read. The cost of their journey to have a child was a huge burden and would be cost prohibitive for many/most. And I understand that some of those costs were either 1. discriminatory in origin, or 2. part of the issue of medical excess.
However, I felt like the author was also unfairly critical of lawyers and (ironically) other doctors. It's so easy to see one thing from the outside and decide that it is outrageous to change X price for so little apparent effort. But he of all people should understand that the short effort you see is only made possible by years and years of training, and taking on certain risks and liabilities. Plus, for the lawyers, in many cases they had their hands tied by government regulations. Those regulations may be wrong and/or discriminatory, but that doesn't mean that the lawyers weren't stuck following them, if they wanted a legal outcome. These bits bothered me.
However, I felt like the author was also unfairly critical of lawyers and (ironically) other doctors. It's so easy to see one thing from the outside and decide that it is outrageous to change X price for so little apparent effort. But he of all people should understand that the short effort you see is only made possible by years and years of training, and taking on certain risks and liabilities. Plus, for the lawyers, in many cases they had their hands tied by government regulations. Those regulations may be wrong and/or discriminatory, but that doesn't mean that the lawyers weren't stuck following them, if they wanted a legal outcome. These bits bothered me.
February 20, 2023
I'm a fan of seeing more visibility of nontraditional families parenting with love. This was a wonderful story of three men in a committed relationship doing whatever it took to give their daughter the best life possible. I thoroughly enjoyed the backstory of how this throuple came to be, as well as their journey to becoming parents. It made me so happy to read about how supportive their friends and families were, and I was rooting every step of the way through the legal battles and IVF/pregnancy/delivery challenges. It's a heartwarming story, and I'm so glad they decided to share it with the world.
July 25, 2021
Ian asked for a review "good or bad", so I'll oblige with a little of both:
Good: BEAUTIFULLY written
Bad: Eugenics slant
Good: A sorely needed voice for normalizing polyamory
Bad: Consideration of exploitation of international women for surrogacy
Great: Ian's love for his partners and his honesty about his thoughts and feelings is so refreshing and gives me hope for humanity 💜
Thanks for writing this book, Ian! All the love to you and your family!
Good: BEAUTIFULLY written
Bad: Eugenics slant
Good: A sorely needed voice for normalizing polyamory
Bad: Consideration of exploitation of international women for surrogacy
Great: Ian's love for his partners and his honesty about his thoughts and feelings is so refreshing and gives me hope for humanity 💜
Thanks for writing this book, Ian! All the love to you and your family!
April 5, 2021
This was a really interesting read, as well as a look at the privilege that some families have in starting families.
I am pleased for the author and his partners that they succeeded against the odds in created the family that they wanted.
I am pleased for the author and his partners that they succeeded against the odds in created the family that they wanted.
June 23, 2021
Surely a very different definition of a family! 3 dads and a surrogate mom. It obviously helps if you have lots of money. Ian kept exact records and figures their first child cost them $120,912.70! Kids don't come cheap. I liked their care, concern and love of family.
April 17, 2021
Moving, touching story of a throuple's journey and experiences of becoming parents. Wonderful story and great read.
July 29, 2022
Love this book very much. It warms my heart and cracks me up often.
November 3, 2023
3.25 ⭐️
June 13, 2024
An interesting account of how three men in a committed polycule strive to become parents, depicting the social, legal, medical, and financial costs to do so.
March 25, 2024
this was FANTASTIC!!! I loved it!!!
September 15, 2024
I put this on both my merica shelf and my California shelf because the author talks about laws in different states and live in California; laws about surrogacy, IVF, gay marriage, paternal leave, and birth certificates. I appreciated Ian's medical background and how he wish the medical field would change in logical aspects. I also found Ian to be likable, reasonable, relatable, authentic, at times playful, respectful, and knowledgeable.
I was warmed by hearing about the trials and successes of this lovely family. Made me miss my Santa Cruz days and the "family" I experienced there and participated in as an ally.
I was so happy at their legal success at having all three fathers listed on their little one's birth certificate and how they stuck up for themselves at the hospital to obtain the wrist bans for visiting her.
I was warmed by hearing about the trials and successes of this lovely family. Made me miss my Santa Cruz days and the "family" I experienced there and participated in as an ally.
I was so happy at their legal success at having all three fathers listed on their little one's birth certificate and how they stuck up for themselves at the hospital to obtain the wrist bans for visiting her.
June 23, 2024
The author does a flawless job of weaving introspective personal storytelling with factual information. I’m annoyed but not surprised about the ridiculous hoops that lgbt+ families have to jump through because of discriminatory laws. It was a heartwarming journey thank you for sharing:)
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews