Decoding Love: Why It Takes Twelve Frogs to Find a Prince, and Other Revelations from the Science of Attraction

by Andrew S. Trees

Shares insights into the scientific principles behind romantic attraction, debunking popular conceptions about "happily ever after" ideals to explain how and why people choose their ultimate partners after experiencing a necessary number of prior relationships. 15,000 first printing.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Science, Love, Self Help, Romance

264 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2009

Reviews

[Yasmin Sabry · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is a total waste of time!
Starting with the title "Decoding Love: Why it Takes Twelve Frogs to Find a Prince"... Well, it should have been called " Mating for Dummies; Animal Kingdom Edition"... I thought i would find some answer to " Why men are jerks" or something... But rather i found the guy relating EVERYTHING to sex! He sees sex as the main upside of getting married, recommends that couples should delay having sex for no reason except that it makes the woman cares more about the guy and at the same time makes the guy cares less! And why is that?! Because people - HUMAN BEINGS - are similar to animals! The female would want someone to support for the babies while the male would prefer to spread his genes elsewhere!!!
His golden rules to keep a marriage happy are "have more sex" and "have a boy"!!! So much for couples who had no children or girls only... And what about those who would like to stay married in their fifties or sixties when sex doesn't matter that much?!!!
The author would go on and on about studies and research only to discover afterwards that he read about them in some article or book with no statistical foundation whatsoever!
Do not waste your time reading this book... For God's sake he's talking about a woman who likes to smell her boyfriend's armpits!!! Should i say anymore?!!

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

The mysteries of love unravelled! Well, almost. On the plus side, this book covers a huge amount of territory, summarizing a vast amount of research on a number of varied topics and it does so in a light, breezy and highly readable style. The overview of John Gottman's work is very well done.

On the other hand, many of the conclusions drawn from a single study or pop culture reference seem rather far-fetched. Some of the examples meant to bolster the author’s arguments about biology seem more to reflect American mores (it would have been interesting to hear about studies done in developed countries with greater social support and gender equality, such as the Scandinavian nations, for example). In addition, same-sex relationships are not mentioned at all – a glaring omission!

If this topic interests you, I would recommend “What's Love Got to Do with It?” by anthropologist Meredith Small and “Bonk” by Mary Roach.

[Jeanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don't let chapter titles like "What I learned about dating from Sex In the City" and "What I learned about Dating from hanging out in bars" fool you -- Andrew Trees did his research. So much so that he practically pummels the reader with it. With every turn of the page you learn about prairie voles, smelly T-shirts, gorilla testicles, vaginal blood flow and whole host of silly-sounding scientific research. The end result is very interesting, but hardly convincing. I almost gave this book 3 stars, except for one of last chapters, "Practical Advice." It boils down what science knows about attraction and offers some ideas for how to use it in real life. Not that I'd follow all that advice, but it did give me some ideas for re-entering the dating world.

[Oliver Bateman · Rating 3 out of 5]

A compendium of research findings that are presented in greater (and better) detail in other works. The author, a former history grad student, does a neat job of summarizing the material, but his few stabs at analysis and application fall flat. Can be read in a few hours, a fact that more than offsets its lackluster rating. Finally, a cautionary note: The more you read about dating and love, and the more you intellectualize these subjects, the less dating you'll want to do.

[Hlyan · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you believe in the romantic story line, you may not want to read this book. But if you want to look at love (and dating and attraction) through the lens of science, you should read it!

[S · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a pre-release, draft version of the book that I won in a giveaway contest.

The first 30 pages were really promising and offered various lines of reasoning that would be investigated further. Unfortunately, the book falls short in delivery and leads the reader to question what market this book is geared towards. Mainly, it isn't sophisticated enough to attract a reader well-versed in logic, econ, or the pscyhological sciences, but can also come across as too abstruse for the mainstream reader.

For example, one of the logical pitfalls that recurred within what are the 2nd and 3rd chapters in the version I received would be akin to this problem when explaining the rain cycle to a third grader: there is water in the pond, this water is absorbed by the clouds, therefore you have rain. The connector in this instance would be: clouds absorb a lot of water, gets too heavy/can't hold anymore/whatever, and releases said water back as rain. A specific example in the text is the author's discussion of a female orgasm leading to higher chance of fertilization, but doesn't really give the connector for why this is so.

There are also other issues in the book as well. Some of the principles of game theory and probability are not well explained and takes the reader a couple more readings to guess at what the author is trying to say. Similarly, the summarization of a few of the psych studies are also not written very well and are misleading. Having exposure to some of the original studies in college, this was especially troublesome since there were a few descriptive sentences about some of the studies' conclusions that did not seem right.

Another huge logical fallacy (to me) seems to be the analysis of testicle size/penis size to monogamy/polygamy using the same examples. Mainly, there is a paradox when you use the same example (man/chimp/gorilla) to explain the species' selection of monogamy/polygamy and say it is due to testicle size, and then later the same example but attribute it to another thing. So is it because of a or b or is something being confounded? Or perhaps it is a random chance of nature? What is the categorical sample size being analyzed, i.e., how many species within the genus is analyzed? Or is it just something between those three species that was looked at?

Logical fallacies aside, this book was moderately entertaining and it did cover a significant span of the dating cycle. Most of the book can boils down to the chemistry/sex/attraction relationship, with a significant portion dedicated to sex and a little to power, which got to be a little repetitive halfway through the 2nd chapter, but given the focus on biology and chemistry I suppose it was bound to happen.

Some points that would have enhanced some of his argument would be to pay a little more attention to the role of VD (STDs) in promiscuity and cheating and some other topics; whether any research is out there on same-sex relationships/dynamics; explaining studies better or choosing different ones that were stronger.

Overall, this was a decent read. I think my expectations for the book were probably higher lending it to a harsher review. The writing could be better/stronger and I hope that the final version of the book will free itself of some of the logic errors and typos that were in my copy.

[Jay Rain · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rating - 7.6

Some real interesting analogies/comparisons on dating that is well-supported by some interesting & relevant research; A reasonable effort in dispelling the romantic storyline w the chemistry of attraction

Some minor quibbles as Trees is a historian, not a researcher which makes for faulty logical progressions, some conceptual repetition, but mostly that there is not a summary chapter that ties it all together

Interesting Thoughts

Dating Mind
Attraction is susceptible to priming – cues or events can increase attraction to a mate

Likelihood is that we all have these sub-conscious personal trigger points

We are also all primed by the romantic storyline, which teaches us to expect love to occur in a certain manner, albeit a false construction

Framing can also influence attraction – the way that a question or situation is posed will change perceptions. For example, a nuance on a masturbation question changed people’s perception of their entire relationship

Research indicates that millionaire lottery winners are no happier than those that win $50M


Dating Animal
Step-children are 65 times more likely to be fatally abused than a child living with his biological parents

Pygmy chimp sex lasts fifteen seconds; chimpanzee’s are seven seconds

The average American couple lasts four minutes

Ismael the Bloodthirsty fathered 888 children; Genghis Khan even more

World-record for number of children by one woman is sixty-nine

A man produces on average two trillion sperm in a productive lifetime – average ejaculate is hundreds of millions

A woman will have 400-500 ovulations (although the egg is 85M times larger than the individual sperm

As a result, men are more focused on procreating (including one-night stands); whereas woman are more about parental selection

40% of men masturbate once a week (10% of women) and have more desire for a variety in sexual partners

Male brain is not designed to maximize accuracy but to maximizing mating opportunities

There is a 76% chance that a relationship will experience infidelity; Women’s are different in that an emotional bond is usually created

56% of men who have an affair are still happy w their marriage

Woman’s orgasms have little to do with a man’s abilities or love but more the male symmetry

Women are more likely to have an affair when they are ovulating and are more likely to be impregnated during an affair then by their husband

When a woman orgasms, there is a better chance for impregnation as the ejaculate keeps the male sperm from flowing back

Women who have more sexual fantasies are more likely to be infidel

Both men & women lie about their sexual past; Men prefer someone who is less-experienced (Madonna versus the Whore)

We are terrible at identifying when people are lying to us

Ekman invented the term micro-expression (the whole basis behind Lie to Me)

People lie in 25% of their interactions

Seventy percent of conversations are devoted to gossip

Of the nineteen smiles, eighteen of them are fake

Male brain’s tend to have larger areas devoted to action & aggression and devote more than 250% the space than women’s to sex; Women brain’s dedicate more space to language & learning

Men look for youth & beauty and women look for wealth & status; Men will generally not date someone that is more successful than them

Polygamy
97% of mammals are polygamous

Present a women w the choice of wife to an ugly husband or mistress to an attractive man, they will choose the mistress

Dating Culture
Consumer’s Dilemma – the unending chase for a slightly better product or partner

Jam Research – when presented w too much product choice; people will abstain from making a choice

If you are presented w three options, you will generally choose the most unique option

Problem w choice does not end once a decision is made; it also makes us more dissatisfied with our choice – we have become aware of the tradeoffs and we hate the idea that we have to give something up

Arranged marriages are more successful in the long run as choice creates discontent & divorce is not an option in different cultures

People would rather choose a life where they make $50M (versus other’s making $25M) instead of making $100M (where other’s make $200M)

Absolute wealth is less important than relative wealth

Heuristics – we carry around a few simple rules in our head that enable decision-making

The wise strategy is to make men wait for sex – improves the man’s view of their mating capability

When women earn more money than the men; they are 50% more likely to get divorced than the traditional relationship

53% of women are college graduates (versus 38% of men)

For American marriages, grooms are roughly three years older; second marriages, it climbs to five years and it is eight years by the third marriage

A women will increase her lifetime earnings by 10% if she delays having a child by one year

The average amount of children per family is 1.86

Both men and women are more likely to die a little earlier (six to ten years) if they are not married

Dating Game
The logic of market to dating – each and every encounter with a woman is a negotiation in which you are trying to undermine her sense of her value & inflate her sense of your value

Sergio Rinaldi has developed a quantitative theory of love

Most of us cannot hold more than seven items in our short-term memory

Each dating move is basically have I increased or decreased my value

The Internet has created too much choice in the dating market; the success of dating sites has little to do w their so-called scientific algorithms & more a function of percentages

IQ Tests only do a crude job of measuring intelligence

Women place an enormous value on height – a 5’6 man has to earn $175M more than a 6’0 man to overcome the height disadvantage. Similar type of numbers for Blacks, Hispanics & Asians

A man judged to be in the bottom 10% of attractiveness needs to earn $186M more than average salary to compensate for his unattractiveness
Unattractive men & women earn less in salary than their beautiful counterparts

Women are hesitant to choose attractive & successful men as they feel that they will be cheated on

People are willing to marry for money (in the millions); as they get older their asking price goes down (likely a result of the biological time clock)

People must admit that there is an element of strategy in the dating game – another blow to the romantic storyline

P156 – The Dowry Game – outcome is that the number of relationships to find the best mate is twelve

How Much Would You Pay For a Dollar Game – the winner and the runner-up have to pay their bid for $1. In some cases, people will pay $20 (an emotional calculation versus an economic one) to win (the average is $3.40)


Dating Dance
Three ways that we communicate – words, body language & tone

A menstruating lap dancer makes $35/hour; ovulating $70 and neither $50; belief is that men are responding to subtle cues

Men are not responsive to signals unless they are sent multiple times

Division of Romantic Effort – women have to lead when it comes to seduction & men lead when it comes to sex

Five stages of Sex – Approach, Talk, Turn, Touch, Synchronize

There is no formula on how two people end up together – people value warmth/loyalty, vitality/attractiveness & status/resources

A sense of humor will enhance people’s attractiveness

PEA – the amphetamine that keeps you up late in night during the honeymoon phase

Once sex occurs, a man loses a little something (the hunt is over)

There is a cheating gene that exists in 30% of men (risk-takers)

Best Practices
Do not obsess on how you look rather obsess how you act

Lay off the porn – x-rated make people less satisfied (new standards)

Don’t date someone out of your league

Lay off the cologne

Rock music is more of an aphrodisiac than jazz

Men care more about a great body than a great face

Men want to actively solve problems for women

End of Dating
Marriage is the greatest predictor of happiness

Those in ecstatic bliss at marriage are more likely to get divorced as the feelings are unsustainable

Love Lab – reading facial expressions, tone and words to determine the success of a marriage. 95% accuracy in three minutes

Happy couples maintain a positive to negative comment ratio of 5 to 1

Criticism of a behavior is fine; criticism of a character is not

Defensiveness, contempt & stonewalling are the other issues to watch out for

[Curtis Edmonds · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I knew the man's name, so I could credit him, but I don't, so I can't. He'd responded to an article someone had written in the local paper about why men weren't more romantic. His idea was that what you needed was a romantic playbook for men, spelling out specific examples of what a man needed to do to create a romantic evening out for his significant other. Start with chocolates, proceed to dinner, include a foot-rub, all that sort of stuff.

The columnist who wrote the initial article responded and said, well, it's a brilliant idea, but if you actually went and followed the examples in the playbook, then at the conclusion of the evening, the woman would look at you crossways and ask, "You got this out of this book, didn't you?" And that would be that, you see, because just like that, it wouldn't count.

Andrew Trees has not written that particular book, but Decoding Love isn't all that far from it, and should be treated with the utmost caution. To use just one of the scientific strategies in the book, when you hug your significant other, you should hug them for a minimum of twenty seconds. Why so long? Well, at the twenty-second mark, the brain starts releasing the potent chemical oxytocin, which results in feelings of trust and security, and this is all to the good. But God save the poor wretch who times such a thing with a stopwatch, for he will surely wish that he hadn't.

Decoding Love is about the science and psychology of human interaction. Think of it as the romantic version of Freakonomics, the phenomenally successful book about the counterintuitive insights derived from economic research. Here, Trees cherry-picks the juiciest tidbits from the psych and physiology journals, trying to explain the weird business of human romantic interactions through scientific analysis.

The first part of the book is rooted in the science of evolution, and contains quite a bit more about the sexual habits of monkeys than some readers will be comfortable with. But such an approach is necessary; no matter how those of us who want to appear sophisticated might want to deny it, we all still have a good bit of animal nature in us, and that is nowhere more evident than in our mating practices.

What Trees is initially trying to explain here is not so much why romance is why it is, but why sex is what it is, and how that shapes how we are who we are. This can be a little daunting to the casual reader who is trying to get tips for his date on Friday night, but Trees has a solid conversational prose style that is able to explicate what could be dense material.

Once you move past the discussions of vasopressin receptors and flirting research, Trees has compiled some helpful hints for the prospective suitor. What you won't find here is some sort of technique; Trees specifically eschews having a "game" or following specific "rules" about anything. And none of it's guaranteed; even the most scientific approach won't turn a hopeless schlub into an irresistable Lothario. The advice is mostly common-sense - make a good first impression, make eye contact, tell the other person you like them - and is designed more to maximize opportunities than take advantage of the other person.

Decoding Love is the sort of book that demands patience, but it's the sort of patience that is rewarded. Come to think of it, that's not a bad approach to romance, either. (Just don't let the object of your affection know you're reading it.)

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Woot! Another first reads win! This book definitely appeals to my science-side, and what woman isn't interested in how to attract?

This book was a pretty interesting read. I had actually read about many of the studies done in here just through mainstream news headlines. The writer's style was very clean and clear cut. Even a person who reads scientific literature all the time can get bogged down by to much information, but Trees manages to simplify and consolidate alot of information down into a reasonably condensed and easy to read book. I wouldn't take everything you read in here for granted, but alot of the information in here does reflect the current evolutionary theories behind the "mating behaviors" of man. Believe me, I worked in a behavior lab in college where some of the grad students sat around all day watching wasps mate, so I know how boring this could have been. This is way more interesting.

[Sue · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author takes a lot of studies about attraction, dating, and relationships, and presents them in a fun easy-to-read format. What I enjoyed most about the book were all the strange scientific facts and cultural studies included. Attraction works in odd ways! Unfortunately I didn't enjoy the "if you are a woman, you should do this" dating advice-- most of the time that rubbed me the wrong way. And a section on game theory was so unclear I abandoned the book for a month...but coming back to it, the last section on marriage redeemed it. I enjoyed how he argued that marriage is hard and isn't always the end-all-be-all, and the practical advice he gave on maintaining long term relationships; something you don't always see in just a dating book. This book was going to get two stars, but that bumped it up to three. Overall an interesting read if you ignore the "advice" throughout.

[Sean]

I just won a copy of this from the first reads "program" at good reads ! How cool is that ? It really looks like an interesting book, and maybe I'll figure out why I'm attracted to bad boys. [ I think I know the answer, but I'll be interested to see if the hunch is correct. ]

I just got the book and started it yesterday - it's very interesting so far....

As of this date, I'm a little depressed about the ideas of have been exposed to in Trees's book. I'm beginning to think there's no hope for me to find the right guy for me. Thus, I've abandoned it for now, but I intend to finish it soon. Stay tuned.

[Ian · Rating 3 out of 5]

You know when a newspaper has an article saying "Scientists say..." blah blah. Its like a whole book of that. The guy writing it isn't a scientist and it shows. He draws some strange conclusions and makes some odd extrapolations. I also think he regularly mistakes cause for effect, and lets his own bias skew his interpretation much too often. There's a lot of interesting stuff here and its easy read but I already learned everything I need to know about love from snoop dogs first album.

[Glenda · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nothing particularly new (i.e., men are biologically engineered to want to sleep around, women want a strong protector for their offspring, and preferably one with a square jaw), but with references to back up the findings.

Aware or them or not, there are these evolutionary/biological forces that influence our decisions, choices, and who we're attracted to.

Was hoping for a little more insight or additional revelations. Pretty easy to read, but found some of it a bit dry.

[Leah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a free book, which I never turn down. It was very easy to read, and very entertaining. It looks at attraction, love and relationships from different non-storytale views such as using game theory and economics to explain love. Very interesting, but though the author claims to be a feminist he didn't come across as such at various points.

[Starry · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another "gee-whiz" pop science book. So far, I'm not impressed with the author's voice -- not as engaging as Malcolm Gladwell -- or his review of the science -- not as credible or well-documented as Matt Ridley's The Red Queen. But the subject matter is still interesting. I especially appreciated the last chapter on marriage.

[Tasneem · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would rate this a 3.5.
I found this book very interesting, but a bit simplistic. I think it was meant for a general reader with very little ability to understand complex scientific reasoning. This was sad because I would have enjoyed more detail, however, it did mean that it was a really easy, enjoyable read.

[Marissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

After having spent quite a bit of time reading about the science of love, I did end up being re-briefed on some particularly noteworthy studies but I did learn about a few other studies, I had never heard of before so that alone makes it worth the read, in my eyes. The author has an easy to read casual writing style which made it all the quicker to absorb. Definitely worth reading.

[Nathan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was alright, it did remind the person that there is a process to dating and that part of the journey is to experience things that you do not want in a partner. This is important for people to be reminded of and even more so that a person does not become discouraged. It was well written but did provide this reader with much insight other than common sense.

[Unwisely · Rating 3 out of 5]

This isn't really a find a mate book, it's more of an interesting look at the science of how people meet/hook up. Love vs sex is in there, male and female...it's kind of scattershot, but a quick and fun read.

[Kathie · Rating 3 out of 5]

In a nutshell, it's a compilation of studies related to love/dating/marriage. The author does break it down and make it easier to understand than a publication in a scientific journal, however, and it's helpful to have a variety of studies all in one place.

[Elizabeth]

A round up of scientific (evolutionary biology, economics, etc.) of research on dating, sex, and marriage. Nothing new (and no footnotes, though there is a bibliographical essay), but breezy and well-written

[Sean · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating. Well worth a read for anyone really wanting to know what actually goes on with love and attraction. Certainly some of the findings would make great pub debates but overall very: readable, enjoyable, informative and recommendable.

[Brian Bacheller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Was decent, covered a wide variety of topics but I think it could have gone even more in depth with more research cited. Oh, and don't forget to check out the most important part, the bibliographical essay.

[Declan · Rating 3 out of 5]

An entertaining read for a long train ride. Most of it is pretty standard "men are like this , women are like that" stuff that you could find in any stand-up comedy routine, backed up by various studies and bits of research.

[Angela · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had saw the author on a talk show and he implied that people tell you everything you need to know about themselves but the way the look or what they wear. So I bought this book and it didn't have that stuff in it. So i was very bored not what i thought it was at all.

[Shane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Amazingly hilarious and thought provoking

Would recommend this to all young folks out there, it's great to know the things you don't have control over and the mysteries of male and female relationships from a scientific perspective. Wish it was longer...

[Kelly · Rating 1 out of 5]

No.

FYI, Andrew S. Trees, women can enjoy sex without subconsciously hoping men with “square jaws” will impregnate them with lots of babies.

Nothing new. Nothing groundbreaking. Same old generalizations regurgitated in what I assume the author thought was a humorous format.

[Nancy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This takes the mystery out of love and attraction! There is some good basic advice on who you are most likely to have success with in marriage.

[Amii Morrison · Rating 4 out of 5]

very intersting. not at all what I thought it was going to be but i enjoyed it!!

[Crystal · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book would have gotten more stars had it not gotten so stuck on the evolution of homo sapiens from chimpanzees. All and all, a very entertaining and enlightening read.