Finding Peace at the End of Life: A Death Doula's Guide for Families and Caregivers

by Henry Fersko-Weiss, Frank Ostaseski (Foreword)

“Beautiful, poignant, pitch perfect and accessible . . . a road-map for clinicians, patients, family members, and caregivers”—BJ Miller, MD, author of A Beginner’s Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death

This groundbreaking book encourages us to face our fears and engage in an open, honest dialog about death.  Here, longtime “death doula” Henry Fersko-Weiss helps the dying discover meaning in their lives, express that meaning in powerful and beautiful legacies, and plan for their final days with dignity.

The doula approach to death emphasizes thoughtful planning for how the last days should look, sound, and feel, and encourages the use of touch, guided imagery, and ritual during the dying process. It also calls for around-the-clock vigil care, which provides emotional and spiritual support for both the dying person and their loved ones.

Genres: Death, Nonfiction, Grief, Health

256 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 2020

About the author

Henry Fersko-Weiss is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, who in 2003, created the first end of life doula program in the United States at a hospice in New York City. That program, which adapted approaches from the work of birth doulas, focused on helping a dying person and family prepare for the end of life, working alongside them in the last days, and supporting them in their early grief.

Following the publication of an extensive front-page article on Henry’s work in the New York Times in 2006, he began teaching the end of life doula approach publicly. In 2015, along with Meredith Lawida and Janie Rakow, Henry cofounded the International End of Life Doula Association (INELDA) to bring his model of end-of-life doula care to organizations, communities, and private practitioners that serve the dying. After helping guide the early development of INELDA, Meredith left the organization to focus her life elsewhere; Janie became INELDA’S President.

Since 2003, Henry has directly guided and supported hundreds of people through the dying process and taught thousands of people how to do doula work. He has been interviewed for many publications, including the San Francisco Chronicle, the Washington Post, the Hospice Foundation of America e-magazine, the American Funeral Director magazine, as well as for BBC radio and New Jersey Caucus, a PBS television program. His book, Caring for the Dying, The Doula Approach to a Meaningful Death, was published in early 2017. Henry can be reached at henry@inelda.org.

Reviews

[Sylvi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just finished this book for my death doula training, it's fantastic. Strongly recommend it to all curious about death doulas, thinking about becoming one, or currently having a loved one going through terminal illness. it goes over common situations for those terminally ill and presents ideas (non-secular) to help loved ones deal and cope with the events surrounding death.

[Trina · Rating 4 out of 5]

First and foremost, I respect how this book is written in a way that respects and honours the variety of human experience from atheist to devout, from different cultures and different eras. I found the stories comforting and the suggestions practical (though there will be no visualization when my time comes). I hope that others reading this will see death as a natural process that needn't be feared. The only part missing for me was a section about what to do for a sudden, unplanned death. How might these rituals and practices be adjusted for a family thrown into a sudden tragedy where there is no opportunity to say goodbye?

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent read for anyone who can admit they or a loved one will die some day. Really addresses the western worlds fear of death and ways to add beauty and meaning when the time comes

[Kim Bee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciate this book. The comfort of putting death into perspective and honouring the dying wishes instead of ignoring or being scared. So powerful

[MKF · Rating 1 out of 5]

Death doula books are usually the same with each one pointing out the problems of hospice as a reason to hire a doula. These doula's also tend to skip over the fact that death doula's are not an affordable option to many. Death doula's aren't covered by insurance and so those who hire them have to pay out of pocket. Death doula love to boast that unlike hospice workers they can be with the dying person and the family around the clock. After the death of the person they recommend continuing home visits supposedly to help the family. The family is now paying thousands on a death doula, thousands for a funeral, and of course the medical bills that piled up. This is why death doula's are not as popular as hospice programs since hospice is the option most can afford.
Within this book there are some good ideas that could be used by people who are not death doula's. There is one issue and that is the book tends to focus on a technique that won't help everybody. This technique is visualization and the author just loves talking about it and tellling people how helpful it is for everyone. It won't help those who have Aphantasia or mind blindness and cannot visualize anything. I know Aphantasia is not as well known to many so there's no alternative ideas for people with it found in this book.
My last issue that the author comes off as a spiritual psychologist but ignores people with real issues. The author says and hints that you can't doe a peaceful death with out forgiveness and life review. Someone shouldn't be told that you have to forgive your abuser for a peaceful death. Who would want to sit there and relieve every traumatic moment of their abuse just to die more peacefully.
There is a few ideas in the book that people interested in end of life care or caregivers could find useful. Just know that there are people out there who will find some things difficult or impossible to do.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book, by the father of the Death Doula movement, is the most practical book I've read to date about becoming a death doula--what it takes physically, mentally and emotionally, what it can mean to you, the person who is dying, and their families, friends, and support system. Becoming a death doula is not, and should not, be for everyone, but for those who are inspired in this direction, this book is a wonderful resource. At times, while I felt the suggestions sometimes bordered on "new-agey", at the end of the day, I came to believe that there's nothing wrong with that. Whatever it takes to help people have a better experience of death (their own or someone else's), the better. No harm, no foul. And then there's the after-death, grieving process. None of this is done well in our modern, medical-model world of life and death. This book helps you and others accept that death is just another part in the cycle of life.

[K.S. Thompson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have been interested in end-of-life care and how various cultures help people make that transition. Sadly, death is such a taboo subject that most of us know very little of what to expect when the time comes, either for ourselves or our loved ones. I was researching this topic and discovered that Death Doula courses are available to those who wish to pursue it. This book was recommended and I felt it might be a way for me to decide if this was the path for me.

I think this book might be better if paired with a course, so that one could discuss the material covered and dig a bit deeper. I don't think it's possible to cover everything in one book, but I do feel that the author could have expanded on the material. I am still very interested in the topic and will seek out further resources.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book speaks volumes about the way many of us view the death process and how our families and friends can be of great comfort to one another. I would like to have a death doula, because I would like to leave this earth peacefully than have my loved ones go through agony and grief. Many more thought provoking events and questions fill this book, as it can be your "map" for your final journey. Great, honest and peaceful.

[Vickie Kruszewski]

Read only to page 106.

[Jbondandrews · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would have liked to know how people become death doula's and how they train to become one.

[Zoom · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book about helping people die, written by one of the first death doulas.

[Anne-Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent first book for anyone curious about becoming an End of Life Doula

[Ashley Andersen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really beautiful story of what the dying process should look like. A shift in the norm and the change from fear of death to gratitude and peace.

[Sara Svensson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful.

[Amanda]

I am really enjoying this. I wish I had known about the Death Doula before my mom passed away. The process could have been so much more peaceful.

[Colleen Jantzen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful

[Annetteaux · Rating 5 out of 5]

A profound resource, very well written with carefully crafted stories sharing beautiful, meaningful experiences related to serving people at the end of their life. 💝