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Осъзнатост в семейството: Как да отгледаме силни, устойчиви и самоуверени деца
В книгата “Осъзнатост в семейството” д-р Шефали ни показва как да развием дълбока свързаност с децата си, така че те да могат да процъфтяват в живота. И още нещо, ние разбираме как можем да навлезем в състояние на по-голям спокойствие, състрадание и мъдрост.
Д-р Шефали Тсабари е световно известен клиничен психолог. Получава докторска степен от увинерситета Колумбия в Ню Йорк и специализира в насока интегриране на западната психология с източната философия. Тя е експерт в сферата на семейната динамика и личностното развитие.
Всички ние имаме споснобността да отгледаме деца, които да са силно устойчиви и емоционално свързани. Много родители не успяват, защото са заслепени от съвременните, популярни и доста погрешни родителски подходи, а също така и от своите собствени вътрешни бариери.
Д-р Шефали Тсабари е световно известен клиничен психолог. Получава докторска степен от увинерситета Колумбия в Ню Йорк и специализира в насока интегриране на западната психология с източната философия. Тя е експерт в сферата на семейната динамика и личностното развитие.
Всички ние имаме споснобността да отгледаме деца, които да са силно устойчиви и емоционално свързани. Много родители не успяват, защото са заслепени от съвременните, популярни и доста погрешни родителски подходи, а също така и от своите собствени вътрешни бариери.
396 pages, Paperback
First published May 31, 2016
1483 people are currently reading
10114 people want to read
About the author
Shefali Tsabary
42 books643 followersShefali Tsabary, Ph.D., was exposed to Eastern philosophy at an early age and integrates its teachings with Western psychology, having received her doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University in New York. This blend of East and West allow her to reach a global audience and establishes her as one of a kind in the field of mindfulness psychology for families.
Dr. Shefali Tsabary lectures extensively on conscious parenting around the world and is in private practice. She is author of the award winning parenting book, The Conscious Parent as the newly released Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Won't Work and What Will, as well as It's a Mom: What You Should Know About the Early Years of Motherhood, which debuted on the Indian National bestseller list for four weeks. Dr. Tsabary lives in New York City.
Dr. Shefali Tsabary lectures extensively on conscious parenting around the world and is in private practice. She is author of the award winning parenting book, The Conscious Parent as the newly released Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Won't Work and What Will, as well as It's a Mom: What You Should Know About the Early Years of Motherhood, which debuted on the Indian National bestseller list for four weeks. Dr. Tsabary lives in New York City.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 316 reviews
November 2, 2017
Finished reading for the second time. Back to the beginning to start again. So wonderful.
This is the parenting book I have been waiting for all my life. I finished two days ago and promptly began it again. I listened to it, bought the hardback, and am purchasing the kindle version as well. It pulls together so many ideas I have about parenting and the world, and also makes me stretch and turn inward to examine my own biases and triggers. I LOVE THIS BOOK. I have had the best days of my life with all three of my children since beginning this book. If you are a parent, or even someone who was once a kid, please do yourself a huge favor and read it. As a parent and a child psychologist I am forever transformed.
This is the parenting book I have been waiting for all my life. I finished two days ago and promptly began it again. I listened to it, bought the hardback, and am purchasing the kindle version as well. It pulls together so many ideas I have about parenting and the world, and also makes me stretch and turn inward to examine my own biases and triggers. I LOVE THIS BOOK. I have had the best days of my life with all three of my children since beginning this book. If you are a parent, or even someone who was once a kid, please do yourself a huge favor and read it. As a parent and a child psychologist I am forever transformed.
June 26, 2017
This book is tough to review. When I started it, I almost put it back down for good, since the opening was all about how your kids are your equals and other comments that sounded very much like the book was going to be about permissive parenting. I'm glad that I continued to read it, because there was a lot in the book that I found interesting. For example, we project so much of our crap on our kids, mostly based out of fear, or our own experiences with our parents when growing up as a child. We can't really help our kids until we help ourselves. I consider myself pretty self-aware but this book made more conscious about some of the patterns that I was repeating as a parent that I had experienced as a child. I have a great kid and I've eased up a lot on her as she has grown older, because she I can't really ask more than she what she is already giving toward school, socially and with the family generally, but I think that I can take my parenting up a notch after reading this book.
I really liked that Tsabary talked about recognizing our feelings and learning to let them exist, rather than to hope that they will go away if we ignore them. The same is true with our kids' feelings. I also liked how Tsabary focused on parents dealing with their own feelings without transposing them on their children. Just because we are afraid doesn't mean that we need to create that same environment for our children. Instead, we should recognize the circumstances that could occur and to help our children prepare for them.
I finished this book last night and felt extremely positive about what I had learned even though I didn't agree with all of it. I think that very young children don't have the capacity to make decisions for themselves and therefore, I don't agree that they should have a huge say in what goes on in their lives. Kids crave structure and routine and to have someone who shows them things that they might not really understand or appreciate until they are older. We have a rule in our house that we finish what we start. If my daughter signs up for an extracurricular activity, she needs to finish it and if she doesn't like it, then she doesn't have to do it again. Tsabary believes that kids should able to quit something if they aren't feeling it. I think that her advice fails to give kids the full benefit of the experience. My daughter didn't want to go to dance and fought me about it constantly but now it's her favorite activity. My daughter wanted to quit swimming because all of her friends did because it wasn't about playing games, but swimming laps. I told her to finish out the season and then we would take it from there. She told me that she wanted to continue to swim this summer when I asked her how she wanted to spend her time. If I would have let her quit, she would have missed out on doing things that she now really enjoys. In addition, I think that it's important to muddle through things that may not always be a blast. Life isn't always going to be what you what it to be. You have to roll with things some times to see where they end up. I've also met too many adults whose parents let them quit everything and now they said that they aren't really good at anything.
I also don't agree with paying for lessons if the child isn't going to practice. My daughter's piano teacher tells us that 3/4 of her students don't practice so she has to go over the same lesson again and again with these students. I can't tell that as a teacher, she is frustrated by the inability to make progress with these kids. Tsabary would say "who cares?" Don't force the child to do something that they don't want to do. If so, then my response is "don't sign them up for lessons". Even though the teacher is getting paid, oftentimes it's about more than money. Many teachers want to pass on their passion to their students. If the child just wants to tinker, I say so be it, but think about how that approach may impact others.
All in all, a solid read with many things to consider as a parent. I recommend it to parents who are looking for a different perspective when it comes to parenting.
I really liked that Tsabary talked about recognizing our feelings and learning to let them exist, rather than to hope that they will go away if we ignore them. The same is true with our kids' feelings. I also liked how Tsabary focused on parents dealing with their own feelings without transposing them on their children. Just because we are afraid doesn't mean that we need to create that same environment for our children. Instead, we should recognize the circumstances that could occur and to help our children prepare for them.
I finished this book last night and felt extremely positive about what I had learned even though I didn't agree with all of it. I think that very young children don't have the capacity to make decisions for themselves and therefore, I don't agree that they should have a huge say in what goes on in their lives. Kids crave structure and routine and to have someone who shows them things that they might not really understand or appreciate until they are older. We have a rule in our house that we finish what we start. If my daughter signs up for an extracurricular activity, she needs to finish it and if she doesn't like it, then she doesn't have to do it again. Tsabary believes that kids should able to quit something if they aren't feeling it. I think that her advice fails to give kids the full benefit of the experience. My daughter didn't want to go to dance and fought me about it constantly but now it's her favorite activity. My daughter wanted to quit swimming because all of her friends did because it wasn't about playing games, but swimming laps. I told her to finish out the season and then we would take it from there. She told me that she wanted to continue to swim this summer when I asked her how she wanted to spend her time. If I would have let her quit, she would have missed out on doing things that she now really enjoys. In addition, I think that it's important to muddle through things that may not always be a blast. Life isn't always going to be what you what it to be. You have to roll with things some times to see where they end up. I've also met too many adults whose parents let them quit everything and now they said that they aren't really good at anything.
I also don't agree with paying for lessons if the child isn't going to practice. My daughter's piano teacher tells us that 3/4 of her students don't practice so she has to go over the same lesson again and again with these students. I can't tell that as a teacher, she is frustrated by the inability to make progress with these kids. Tsabary would say "who cares?" Don't force the child to do something that they don't want to do. If so, then my response is "don't sign them up for lessons". Even though the teacher is getting paid, oftentimes it's about more than money. Many teachers want to pass on their passion to their students. If the child just wants to tinker, I say so be it, but think about how that approach may impact others.
All in all, a solid read with many things to consider as a parent. I recommend it to parents who are looking for a different perspective when it comes to parenting.
December 28, 2016
I'm sure this book is great for someone, but that's not me. I like new age psychobabble as well as the next guy, but this was beyond my understanding and patience. The language was too flowery and convoluted to be meaningful, much less practical. I quickly stopped reading and moved on. An excellent example is the third sentence: "Once we have connected with our sovereign spirit, creating the space for our children to get in touch with their spirit becomes the critical objective of parenthood." You too can manifest consciousness and co-create life's circumstances with the universe. If you loved the vague and convoluted ideas of The Secret or Eckhart Tolle, you'll probably love this.
September 3, 2019
Yeah, this is a weird one for me to be reviewing as I don't read a lot of non-fiction. My oldest sister recently became a certified family counselor and on the heals of that announcement recommended this book (on our family GroupMe list). Since my children are all grown, I expressed doubts. Her response that it had helped her with their relationship with their grown children was convincing enough that I decided to give it a shot. And I'm really glad I did because the framework Dr. Tsabari details here has the potential to be game-changing.
The central point of her framework is to drop your expectation for what your child will like or dislike and let them decide for themselves. Which seems risky and all, but it actually makes sense if you read the book and hear her support for the method. Some of what makes it work is the "Awakened" part of the title. And I deleted about five attempts at explaining it because they got long and involved and maybe that's why you should read the book?
Anyway, I found this a fascinating framework because I can see that what success we had, personally, came most often when we let our children be themselves and stopped pushing them to meet our, in hindsight arbitrary, expectations. It felt like a parental abdication at the time because so much of our society and culture is invested in the "parents push children to succeed" mindset. Only we could see that wasn't going to work with our kids so we moved to a more supportive/explorative role—asking them what they found valuable that they wanted to strive for, instead, and then supporting those efforts, but in more of a "consultation" way than a "driving force" way.
So what I'm saying is that what she was saying matched up with our lived experience and illuminated why some things worked and others didn't. So it's determinative, at least in our experience. Which is important because of the next bit.
I hesitate with this part because I really don't want to discourage people from experiencing this if they're even a little bit inclined. I don't want to provide excuses for why you might ignore it when the method and message is, on the whole, outstanding and valuable. The thing is, Tsabari's delivery is very much that of prophet, guru, or authoritative life coach in that she states "how things are" and doesn't bother with support or proof. And some of that includes rhetorical stances that assume a shared perspective without bothering to establish that perspective (like that "fear" underlies all negative emotion or that "ego" stands at the base of our problems with children). So I had to just get over constant references to "acting as our authentic selves" and "the universe is naturally abundant". I'm just not built not to quibble when someone makes broad generalities like those so I spent much of this book with "wait and see" (in the beginning) and later "the actual descriptive bits match my experience" (later on) so that I didn't shut down some otherwise very useful advice/information/pattern descriptions.
The thing is, I don't know what this would have looked like without those elements embedded in transporting the message. It seems to me that you'd have to spend a lot of time on establishing a shared framework or with laboratory proofs justifying what she was saying and I'm not certain that what you'd end up with would be any better in the end. I was perfectly capable of translating "the universe" into my own faith tradition, for example. And the thing about what she was saying is that it all matched up with my own experience raising children (and observing those raised around me all my life). I'm no expert, mind. But I'm not a novice, either, and my BS detector for bad parenting advice is top-notch.
So I'm going to end up giving this all five stars despite any friction I had while reading. And I've already recommended it to some folks at work and I've no doubt I'll be evangelizing this to anyone who deals with children on a regular basis, as well. Seriously, the connections she draws are a game changer and I want all of the parents to be Awakened, now, because it will radically improve child rearing in both results and the emotional cost/burden. And that's no small thing.
The central point of her framework is to drop your expectation for what your child will like or dislike and let them decide for themselves. Which seems risky and all, but it actually makes sense if you read the book and hear her support for the method. Some of what makes it work is the "Awakened" part of the title. And I deleted about five attempts at explaining it because they got long and involved and maybe that's why you should read the book?
Anyway, I found this a fascinating framework because I can see that what success we had, personally, came most often when we let our children be themselves and stopped pushing them to meet our, in hindsight arbitrary, expectations. It felt like a parental abdication at the time because so much of our society and culture is invested in the "parents push children to succeed" mindset. Only we could see that wasn't going to work with our kids so we moved to a more supportive/explorative role—asking them what they found valuable that they wanted to strive for, instead, and then supporting those efforts, but in more of a "consultation" way than a "driving force" way.
So what I'm saying is that what she was saying matched up with our lived experience and illuminated why some things worked and others didn't. So it's determinative, at least in our experience. Which is important because of the next bit.
I hesitate with this part because I really don't want to discourage people from experiencing this if they're even a little bit inclined. I don't want to provide excuses for why you might ignore it when the method and message is, on the whole, outstanding and valuable. The thing is, Tsabari's delivery is very much that of prophet, guru, or authoritative life coach in that she states "how things are" and doesn't bother with support or proof. And some of that includes rhetorical stances that assume a shared perspective without bothering to establish that perspective (like that "fear" underlies all negative emotion or that "ego" stands at the base of our problems with children). So I had to just get over constant references to "acting as our authentic selves" and "the universe is naturally abundant". I'm just not built not to quibble when someone makes broad generalities like those so I spent much of this book with "wait and see" (in the beginning) and later "the actual descriptive bits match my experience" (later on) so that I didn't shut down some otherwise very useful advice/information/pattern descriptions.
The thing is, I don't know what this would have looked like without those elements embedded in transporting the message. It seems to me that you'd have to spend a lot of time on establishing a shared framework or with laboratory proofs justifying what she was saying and I'm not certain that what you'd end up with would be any better in the end. I was perfectly capable of translating "the universe" into my own faith tradition, for example. And the thing about what she was saying is that it all matched up with my own experience raising children (and observing those raised around me all my life). I'm no expert, mind. But I'm not a novice, either, and my BS detector for bad parenting advice is top-notch.
So I'm going to end up giving this all five stars despite any friction I had while reading. And I've already recommended it to some folks at work and I've no doubt I'll be evangelizing this to anyone who deals with children on a regular basis, as well. Seriously, the connections she draws are a game changer and I want all of the parents to be Awakened, now, because it will radically improve child rearing in both results and the emotional cost/burden. And that's no small thing.
February 11, 2018
A good idea buried in rubbish.
I became interested in Tsabary after an invitation to one of her conferences. Trying to become familiar with her work I watched her TEDx talk in SF and an interview with Oprah Winfrey. Her thesis about changing the idea of perfect parenting for self-improvement through our interactions with our children is right on. Even more when combined with mindfulness to be aware and sensible to the moments parents get hooked in power struggles with their children. However, I read her book just to be disappointed.
To begin with, Tsabary's hubris is overwhelming. Not many authors sign their book with their degrees - PhD. Is this a sign of what is inside? Being a scientist (assuming the degree means a training in the science) the reader would expect some intellectual humility. Isaac Newton said "if I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulder of giants". Not for Tsabary. In spite of many of her ideas can be tracked to other people's work the books have no references, no mentions of anyone but her and her patients. The ideas in the book can be track to intellectuals like Freud, Csikszentmihalyi, Kahneman, Branden, Nietzsche, Baumrind, Pinker and the evolutionary psychologists, and more. She does not claim that the ideas are original but the omision speaks for itself.
Tsabary's work is not only unoriginal but contradictory. For instance she blames the parenting errors to the ego, but also advices that if parents do not care for themselves little can be done; Ego-Self long debate which Tsabary ignores and oversimplifies like in.
"The key to conscious parenting is to become aware of our ego, this persistent voice in our head, and its false ways. To parent well, it is imperative that we realize the ego isn’t who we are."
Tsabary's idea is to "re-educate" the ego. The ego is emotional, impulsive. By being aware we use our reason. In other words her advice can be summarized using Kahneman's terminology as making system 2 take control before relying on system 1 to respond in automatic but more coherently with our values.
Finally, irritating and bad science is her generalization of bad parenting. Maybe from her own experience as a mother and clinical psychologist she considers that all parents are dysfunctional, victims of their own parents, ill-fated, unable to have moral judgment and exercise their free will to be better. At times the book makes the reader feel overwhelmed; I'm such a bad parent. Human contradiction show up in all spheres; work, love relationships, leisure, education, etc. yet we keep moving forward improving. Why is parenting different? Tsabary's rhetoric resembles some religions by making people feel bad before taking the salvation ace under her sleeve.
I became interested in Tsabary after an invitation to one of her conferences. Trying to become familiar with her work I watched her TEDx talk in SF and an interview with Oprah Winfrey. Her thesis about changing the idea of perfect parenting for self-improvement through our interactions with our children is right on. Even more when combined with mindfulness to be aware and sensible to the moments parents get hooked in power struggles with their children. However, I read her book just to be disappointed.
To begin with, Tsabary's hubris is overwhelming. Not many authors sign their book with their degrees - PhD. Is this a sign of what is inside? Being a scientist (assuming the degree means a training in the science) the reader would expect some intellectual humility. Isaac Newton said "if I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulder of giants". Not for Tsabary. In spite of many of her ideas can be tracked to other people's work the books have no references, no mentions of anyone but her and her patients. The ideas in the book can be track to intellectuals like Freud, Csikszentmihalyi, Kahneman, Branden, Nietzsche, Baumrind, Pinker and the evolutionary psychologists, and more. She does not claim that the ideas are original but the omision speaks for itself.
Tsabary's work is not only unoriginal but contradictory. For instance she blames the parenting errors to the ego, but also advices that if parents do not care for themselves little can be done; Ego-Self long debate which Tsabary ignores and oversimplifies like in.
"The key to conscious parenting is to become aware of our ego, this persistent voice in our head, and its false ways. To parent well, it is imperative that we realize the ego isn’t who we are."
Tsabary's idea is to "re-educate" the ego. The ego is emotional, impulsive. By being aware we use our reason. In other words her advice can be summarized using Kahneman's terminology as making system 2 take control before relying on system 1 to respond in automatic but more coherently with our values.
Finally, irritating and bad science is her generalization of bad parenting. Maybe from her own experience as a mother and clinical psychologist she considers that all parents are dysfunctional, victims of their own parents, ill-fated, unable to have moral judgment and exercise their free will to be better. At times the book makes the reader feel overwhelmed; I'm such a bad parent. Human contradiction show up in all spheres; work, love relationships, leisure, education, etc. yet we keep moving forward improving. Why is parenting different? Tsabary's rhetoric resembles some religions by making people feel bad before taking the salvation ace under her sleeve.
November 26, 2017
On one hand, I adored this book. Tsabary truly is breaking down old parenting traditions and putting forth a powerful new premise on how to parent. On the other hand, her meandering writing style drives me a bit batty at times. Nevertheless, I highly recommend this book. It is really as much about being a healthy human as it is about being a parent, and it will challenge all your preconceived ideas.
When I was raising my own children, I found myself at times almost paralyzed in worry that I was not the ideal mother. Too often I would find myself thinking about a line that from the old Jif peanut butter commercial that went: "Choosy mothers choose Jif." Only I distorted it into: "I am definitely a choosy mother. However if I could choose any mother for these children I adore, would I choose me?" And then I would torment myself over all the ways I wasn't amazing enough, suffering in the ridiculous belief that if I were the perfect mother, I would have perfect kids. Consequently I put immense pressure both on myself and my children. Reading The Awakened Family (if it had been written back then) would have saved me a lot of frustration, tears, and counseling dollars.
Tsabary calls parents out on their fears, egos, assumptions, and privileges. She shoots down the practice of time-out or any other consequence that stems for a parent's need for control. She argues that instead of setting rules that are an ultimatum to children, we should work to encourage children to buy into healthy life choices that fall under the following "Life-Enhancing Boundaries"
-Respect for oneself--self-care through hygiene and sleep
- Respect for one's environment--a tidy room and home
- Respect for one's mind--the process of education either formally or informally
- Respect for family and community--connecting and contributing to society
It all sounds idealistic, but she actually does give real-world examples. Her writing actually backs up what I have discovered during my last 29 years of motherhood: these children grow up into adults who reflect the relationship you have built with them. They remember the times you pulled parental rank in contrast to when you patiently explained processes. I am grateful for all the time and thought I put into my parenting. I messed up plenty, but I also didn't hesitate to apologize then or now. My four adult kids are fabulous, sincerely my best friends. And although I didn't have Tsabary's book, I do think she puts into words truths I found in practice.
Now I am applying her ideas to my grandkids. It is much easier!
When I was raising my own children, I found myself at times almost paralyzed in worry that I was not the ideal mother. Too often I would find myself thinking about a line that from the old Jif peanut butter commercial that went: "Choosy mothers choose Jif." Only I distorted it into: "I am definitely a choosy mother. However if I could choose any mother for these children I adore, would I choose me?" And then I would torment myself over all the ways I wasn't amazing enough, suffering in the ridiculous belief that if I were the perfect mother, I would have perfect kids. Consequently I put immense pressure both on myself and my children. Reading The Awakened Family (if it had been written back then) would have saved me a lot of frustration, tears, and counseling dollars.
Tsabary calls parents out on their fears, egos, assumptions, and privileges. She shoots down the practice of time-out or any other consequence that stems for a parent's need for control. She argues that instead of setting rules that are an ultimatum to children, we should work to encourage children to buy into healthy life choices that fall under the following "Life-Enhancing Boundaries"
-Respect for oneself--self-care through hygiene and sleep
- Respect for one's environment--a tidy room and home
- Respect for one's mind--the process of education either formally or informally
- Respect for family and community--connecting and contributing to society
It all sounds idealistic, but she actually does give real-world examples. Her writing actually backs up what I have discovered during my last 29 years of motherhood: these children grow up into adults who reflect the relationship you have built with them. They remember the times you pulled parental rank in contrast to when you patiently explained processes. I am grateful for all the time and thought I put into my parenting. I messed up plenty, but I also didn't hesitate to apologize then or now. My four adult kids are fabulous, sincerely my best friends. And although I didn't have Tsabary's book, I do think she puts into words truths I found in practice.
Now I am applying her ideas to my grandkids. It is much easier!
July 26, 2016
Love the reminders to be present, mindful and that only you can change what's not working in a relationship. I put some strategies into practice right away, such as not trying to "fix" my children's heartache/disappointment/frustration, etc. - or, if your child isn't in a talkative mood, it's not about you, it's about them, so respect it. But, I can't give this book a 5 for several reasons: the author has a very holier than thou attitude; I completely disagree that a child's poor behavior is a reflection of parenting (like, if your child is disorganized it's because you are disorganized); her sometimes condescending approach when she talks to her daughter; and, the author doesn't always offer a strategy - yes, she has lots of examples, but sometimes she presents an issue and just says, it's your problem.
August 26, 2016
Oh dear. The author has a fine message and a strong premise. Unfortunately, these are buried under maudlin writing that I did not find appealing at all. Glad others liked it but I can apply the same strategies without needing to "connect to my sovereign spirit" before leaving my children "free to actualize their individual destiny," thank you very much.
July 8, 2016
While I believe strongly in being kind, present, and mindful, this book isn't a good fit for me. Props to the author for laying it out in the intro to save me from lots of reading to figure that out. "....[An awakened parent is] willing to be the architects of a new model of parenthood where parent and child are seen as equal..."
July 22, 2016
I liked her first book, The Conscious Parent (and I own it). This one is disappointing and my one word for it is repetitive. She feels that our children push our buttons from our own childhood.
November 27, 2016
Well worth it. Have it nearby to remind yourself that to help your kids live life to the maximum you must keep yourself in order.
September 3, 2018
I haven't actually read all of this book, as it is the longest book in the universe despite its very simple message, which is:
A lot of the conflicts between you and your children stem from your own insecurities and problems. In any relationship, obviously including the ones with your children, the only things you can control are you and your own reactions. Maybe try some therapy!
I liked reading about some of her patients (I guess I'm nosy this way), but it's written with such flowery language, and frankly it says such an obvious thing, that I don't feel particularly bad about bringing it back to the library half-unread. But I get to pat myself on the back for already knowing about the message, I guess, which means I am clearly the world's best parent, right?
A lot of the conflicts between you and your children stem from your own insecurities and problems. In any relationship, obviously including the ones with your children, the only things you can control are you and your own reactions. Maybe try some therapy!
I liked reading about some of her patients (I guess I'm nosy this way), but it's written with such flowery language, and frankly it says such an obvious thing, that I don't feel particularly bad about bringing it back to the library half-unread. But I get to pat myself on the back for already knowing about the message, I guess, which means I am clearly the world's best parent, right?
September 15, 2016
Parts of this really resonated with me and parts seemed a little too out there. The idea of logical consequences makes a lot of sense. I also appreciated the advice to focus on changing your reaction a a parent rather than trying to control your child. But some of the stories were hard to relate to; her clients seem to be mostly wealthy New Yorkers and their experience is very different from mine. The poems at the end of each chapter and some of the advice felt a little new agey and didn't appeal to me.
August 4, 2016
This is one of the best parenting books I've read, and I've read a lot! The premise is mindfulness for the parent, and being mindful that at the core of all of us is a need to be seen. "Am I seen, am I okay, am I worthy," was the most memorable quote for me. I try to keep this in mind as I interact with the little people in my care. I highly recommend it for all parents and anyone who may have grown up feeling misunderstood or not seen by their parents/adults in their lives.
May 26, 2019
I’ve never read a parenting book quite like this one. It turns a lot of traditional ideas on their heads and begs parents to look inside themselves and examine motives and actions instead of just focusing on changing/controlling the behavior of their kids. Very helpful and effective. It’s clearly missing God as it’s written from a new age perspective, so I have some philosophical disagreements, but there is so much in it to be learned, appreciated and applied.
January 20, 2019
This is my favorite parenting book in several years! 4.5 stars!! 🌟🌟🌟🌟
I heard Dr. Tsabary on a Goop podcast talking about her conscience approach to parenting and so I decided to check her book out from the library. I normally purchase parenting (or self-improvement books) that really speak to me but I wasn't committed quite yet to her ideas. I picked it up thinking I'm probably going to get a good dose of new-age, hippie free think.....and there is as she explains how to "tap into the higher purpose of this boundary" and emotional reactions are indicators that our ego has become activated", but I found myself really sinking in to these ideas and absorbing her message.
She starts by stating that current parenting is not child-centered but all about the parent. My biggest takeaway was that the expectations or "goals" we have for our children (ie. be responsible, respectful, hard-working, happy, successful) are all about us and the reflection of who we are as parents. This is a selfish notion. When she asked parents what their hopes for their children were they stated the above and all the other rote qualities we're familiar with. ..."This question fosters the illusion that we have control over who our children become. Innocent on the surface, it fuels the desire of parents to micromanage their children, turning out products of their making." This was so eye-opening to what I've known all along.....we can't make our children be something they are not. Our anxiety over how they will turn out serves as a detriment to their well being (and ours) in the present and holds zero weight on who they will become in the future. Anxiety will feed anxiety and no wonder so many children suffer from depression and other mental illness trying to please their parents and meet culture's standards!
We also focus so much on "fixing" our children from being too shy, too aggressive, too impulsive, too unmotivated, too unfocused, too lazy (guilty as charged!) when what needs to be fixed is ourselves and how we approach our expectation. We naturally want our children to turn out well and some take it to the extreme wanting an exceptional child we can show off to family, friends and social media.
And everytime we hear the phrases, "Your child isn't reaching their full potential" or "they can do better" it feeds our belief that we aren't reaching our full potential in challenging them which further fuels our selfish desire to create more extraordinary children. And it must feel worse for our children when we are saying these things to them because they start believing that they must be lacking in some way. I'm not saying that we shouldn't expose our children to new experiences, beliefs, ideas, and activities but just take the expectation out of it and just be and let them be. I've really re-thought my approach to certain situations and am more mindful of how I infuse anxiety and expectation to situations.
I learned that I need to validate and honor my children how they are now, not who I hope, or want, them to become in the future. About a third of the way through I started to wonder if I was required to become a permissive parent with an attitude that anything is acceptable as long as they are being authentic to who they are. I needed some action steps! To be a conscience parent doesn't mean your kids get to do what they want. There are still boundaries in place and limits for when those boundaries are exceeded. The key is to negotiate them together and collaborate on the limits.
I also really liked how she deals with big emotions. Labeling emotions as "good" or "bad" will just make them want to escape or lash out when things are hard or they get hurt. We can model for our children how to gracefully ride the ebbs and flows of life that are normal.
YES, again!!
Fear is discussed a lot too....Fear of saying yes, fear of saying no, fear of being unloved, fear of conflict, fear of not being in control, fear of scarcity.....and how to turn those fears into conscienceness. The work that really needs to be done is with us, as parents, and not trying to mold our children into what we want and that was so insightful.
I know how ‘hippie commune’ this sounds but it was exactly what my heart needed to hear:
Working on our reactivity and triggers was helpful, as in,"why do clothes on the floor affect my inner sense of stability. Why do I feel personally threatened to the point of lashing out at my child?" Not that we can't be upset by our children exceeding the limits we set but controlling our urge to blindly lash out instead of reacting in a firm but compassionate way. Most of the limits we've set for our kids will be kept in place (curfews, screen time, hygiene, homework) but I feel like I can better react to situations that would normally just fill me with anxiety, dread, or anger.
I would recommend this book to every parent. Not everyone will love this approach and might find it absurd that much of the focus is on working on ourselves but I really thought it made me want to be better for my kids. Accepting them for where they are and not buying into society's notions of what that looks like.
This is my last quote because I loved it so much!!
I heard Dr. Tsabary on a Goop podcast talking about her conscience approach to parenting and so I decided to check her book out from the library. I normally purchase parenting (or self-improvement books) that really speak to me but I wasn't committed quite yet to her ideas. I picked it up thinking I'm probably going to get a good dose of new-age, hippie free think.....and there is as she explains how to "tap into the higher purpose of this boundary" and emotional reactions are indicators that our ego has become activated", but I found myself really sinking in to these ideas and absorbing her message.
She starts by stating that current parenting is not child-centered but all about the parent. My biggest takeaway was that the expectations or "goals" we have for our children (ie. be responsible, respectful, hard-working, happy, successful) are all about us and the reflection of who we are as parents. This is a selfish notion. When she asked parents what their hopes for their children were they stated the above and all the other rote qualities we're familiar with. ..."This question fosters the illusion that we have control over who our children become. Innocent on the surface, it fuels the desire of parents to micromanage their children, turning out products of their making." This was so eye-opening to what I've known all along.....we can't make our children be something they are not. Our anxiety over how they will turn out serves as a detriment to their well being (and ours) in the present and holds zero weight on who they will become in the future. Anxiety will feed anxiety and no wonder so many children suffer from depression and other mental illness trying to please their parents and meet culture's standards!
We also focus so much on "fixing" our children from being too shy, too aggressive, too impulsive, too unmotivated, too unfocused, too lazy (guilty as charged!) when what needs to be fixed is ourselves and how we approach our expectation. We naturally want our children to turn out well and some take it to the extreme wanting an exceptional child we can show off to family, friends and social media.
"Perhaps you think you don't buy into the trophy child philosophy. However, each time you post a picture of your child winning but don't post about them losing, you add to the myth of the over achieving child. The pressure to produce a child prodigy is so contagious that we are all drowning in it."(YES, YES!!!)
And everytime we hear the phrases, "Your child isn't reaching their full potential" or "they can do better" it feeds our belief that we aren't reaching our full potential in challenging them which further fuels our selfish desire to create more extraordinary children. And it must feel worse for our children when we are saying these things to them because they start believing that they must be lacking in some way. I'm not saying that we shouldn't expose our children to new experiences, beliefs, ideas, and activities but just take the expectation out of it and just be and let them be. I've really re-thought my approach to certain situations and am more mindful of how I infuse anxiety and expectation to situations.
I learned that I need to validate and honor my children how they are now, not who I hope, or want, them to become in the future. About a third of the way through I started to wonder if I was required to become a permissive parent with an attitude that anything is acceptable as long as they are being authentic to who they are. I needed some action steps! To be a conscience parent doesn't mean your kids get to do what they want. There are still boundaries in place and limits for when those boundaries are exceeded. The key is to negotiate them together and collaborate on the limits.
I also really liked how she deals with big emotions. Labeling emotions as "good" or "bad" will just make them want to escape or lash out when things are hard or they get hurt. We can model for our children how to gracefully ride the ebbs and flows of life that are normal.
"What if the art of meaningful living lies in embracing both the peaks and troughs? How different might your children's lives be if they learned from you how to immerse themselves in each experience that comes their way, so that they actually welcome the twists and turns, the times we feel hurt and the times we enjoy glory?"
YES, again!!
Fear is discussed a lot too....Fear of saying yes, fear of saying no, fear of being unloved, fear of conflict, fear of not being in control, fear of scarcity.....and how to turn those fears into conscienceness. The work that really needs to be done is with us, as parents, and not trying to mold our children into what we want and that was so insightful.
I know how ‘hippie commune’ this sounds but it was exactly what my heart needed to hear:
"When you are profoundly connected, so that he feels your deep love for him and is assured of your interest in his well being, you open up space for his own motivation to make its appearance. As long as you are pressing him to do things, that won't happen. It's when you take your hands off, and yet remain committed to him, that he'll find it within him to do whatever his soul is directing him to do."
Working on our reactivity and triggers was helpful, as in,"why do clothes on the floor affect my inner sense of stability. Why do I feel personally threatened to the point of lashing out at my child?" Not that we can't be upset by our children exceeding the limits we set but controlling our urge to blindly lash out instead of reacting in a firm but compassionate way. Most of the limits we've set for our kids will be kept in place (curfews, screen time, hygiene, homework) but I feel like I can better react to situations that would normally just fill me with anxiety, dread, or anger.
I would recommend this book to every parent. Not everyone will love this approach and might find it absurd that much of the focus is on working on ourselves but I really thought it made me want to be better for my kids. Accepting them for where they are and not buying into society's notions of what that looks like.
This is my last quote because I loved it so much!!
"This requires us to be firmly planted in the awareness that our children are complete and whole just as they are. When we operate out of a sense of life's abundance and trust that our children are fully capable of manifesting their desires when the time is right, we send them the message that their desires are wonderful additions to their life but not the core of who they are. When we are grounded in the awareness that objects of our desire can never satisfy on an internal level, our children slowly learn to tap into their own innate fullness."
August 2, 2020
Хүүхэд өсгөнө, хүмүүжүүлнэ гэдэг чинь өөрийнхөө байгаа байдлыг анзаарч, өдөр тутамдаа суралцаж, өөрийгөө хүмүүжүүлнэ л гэсэн үгийм бн. Таны хүүхэд танд өөрийн чинь төсөөлөлдөө бий болгосон “төгс” хүүхэд байх өргүй гэнээ.
“Parenting is often most effective when we concentrate on ourselves rather than our children.”
“Parenting is often most effective when we concentrate on ourselves rather than our children.”
August 8, 2017
This parenting book is a useful blend of western psychology, parenting advice, and eastern philosophy of higher consciousness.
Tsabary asks parents to reflect on their own issues, struggles, and automatic reactions as the key to coping with the challenges of raising their children. Children are an exacting mirror of our personal fears and issues, as Tsabary points out throughout her book, and it is worth our time and effort to take a closer look at these reflections (reactions) in creating a more positive, nurturing relationship with our children and families. Over the years, my wife and I have indeed realized that our son has just as much to teach us about ourselves as we have to teach him about life and the world at large.
The book is grounded in everyday language and useful examples of, not just getting kids to "obey", but to truly develop relationship skills in a collaborative family atmosphere. Some of the author's philosophy may sound too "new-agey" or "touchy-feeley" at first, and very different from how past generations were taught to parent, but give it closer attention. Do not confuse collaboration with conciliation or parental introspection with the loss of boundaries. There is much common sense here if you read it through carefully.
Tsabary asks parents to reflect on their own issues, struggles, and automatic reactions as the key to coping with the challenges of raising their children. Children are an exacting mirror of our personal fears and issues, as Tsabary points out throughout her book, and it is worth our time and effort to take a closer look at these reflections (reactions) in creating a more positive, nurturing relationship with our children and families. Over the years, my wife and I have indeed realized that our son has just as much to teach us about ourselves as we have to teach him about life and the world at large.
The book is grounded in everyday language and useful examples of, not just getting kids to "obey", but to truly develop relationship skills in a collaborative family atmosphere. Some of the author's philosophy may sound too "new-agey" or "touchy-feeley" at first, and very different from how past generations were taught to parent, but give it closer attention. Do not confuse collaboration with conciliation or parental introspection with the loss of boundaries. There is much common sense here if you read it through carefully.
June 1, 2016
Life-changing book…even if you are not a parent.
This is more than another parenting book….it will ignite a journey of self-discovery that has the power to improve all relationships in your life. I thought I needed tips to control my children’s behavior, but now know that going within myself and healing my old wounds is the way to a deeper, more authentic connection with my children. Reading this book made me want to let go of the old hierarchical parenting model, which robs children of their true essence and often leads to low self-worth. Now I know why Oprah Winfrey backs Dr. Shefali. She is leading a movement of Conscious Parenting that has the power to help heal humanity for generations to come. This is a MUST READ and will HEAL your soul in ways you never knew were possible!
This is more than another parenting book….it will ignite a journey of self-discovery that has the power to improve all relationships in your life. I thought I needed tips to control my children’s behavior, but now know that going within myself and healing my old wounds is the way to a deeper, more authentic connection with my children. Reading this book made me want to let go of the old hierarchical parenting model, which robs children of their true essence and often leads to low self-worth. Now I know why Oprah Winfrey backs Dr. Shefali. She is leading a movement of Conscious Parenting that has the power to help heal humanity for generations to come. This is a MUST READ and will HEAL your soul in ways you never knew were possible!
June 2, 2019
This is a book EVERY parent should listen to / read. A few times over. It is a good manual to follow, a thought provoking book and a great alternative to all of the parenting books I have read so far. It is challenging a lot of the beliefs about parenting that we were raised with or that we feel comfortable using. Don't expect this book to make you comfortable. On the contrary. It will push buttons, it will uncover sore spots, it will call out bits of truths that we are uncomfortable to look at usually.
April 21, 2022
4.25
Sách đã dịch ra tiếng Việt với tên "Gia đình tỉnh thức"
Có thể được xem là phần nối dài của Làm cha mẹ tỉnh thức khi phần lớn nội dung sách đi vào phân tích nguyên nhân, lầm tưởng và kỹ năng chuyển hóa trong việc xây dựng gia đình tỉnh thức.
Cuốn này mình nghĩ là hợp với đại đa số độc giả hơn là cuốn trước đó. Gần như mọi vấn đề liên quan đến nuôi dạy, kiểm soát, kì vọng dành cho con cái, cho chính mình đều có thể tìm thấy trong quyển này.
Sách đã dịch ra tiếng Việt với tên "Gia đình tỉnh thức"
Có thể được xem là phần nối dài của Làm cha mẹ tỉnh thức khi phần lớn nội dung sách đi vào phân tích nguyên nhân, lầm tưởng và kỹ năng chuyển hóa trong việc xây dựng gia đình tỉnh thức.
Cuốn này mình nghĩ là hợp với đại đa số độc giả hơn là cuốn trước đó. Gần như mọi vấn đề liên quan đến nuôi dạy, kiểm soát, kì vọng dành cho con cái, cho chính mình đều có thể tìm thấy trong quyển này.
October 31, 2023
Înainte de a educa copii, e nevoie să se educe, mai întâi, părinții. Când am înțeles acest fapt, mi-a fost mai ușor să mă informez și să înțeleg cum ei(copiii) se dezvoltă, cresc, etc.
Această carte abordează parentingul conștient, în ideea: cu cât un părinte este mai informat, cu atât mai ușor își înțelege copilul, e alături de el, îl susține, îl acceptă și crește împreună cu el. A fi părinte se învață. Citiți această carte, vă rog.
Această carte abordează parentingul conștient, în ideea: cu cât un părinte este mai informat, cu atât mai ușor își înțelege copilul, e alături de el, îl susține, îl acceptă și crește împreună cu el. A fi părinte se învață. Citiți această carte, vă rog.
June 13, 2016
Things can get complicated when, as parents, we explore our inner world and try to understand our own behavior in relation to the experiences we are having with our children and their unique personalities. There aren't many parenting books that:
a. highlight the recognition and understanding of our inner voice and inner child AND
b. show how that comes into play with the day-to-day and repetitive issues we have with our children AND
c. provide strategies to resolve them
In her masterpiece, The Awakened Family, Dr. Shefali Tsabary brilliantly does all of the above--weaving in the lessons through real-life examples and personal experience as a parent. With a fine balance of poetry and prose, this book also offers parents reflective poems as well as chapter culminations for easy reference--making this book instructional as well as a quick guide. They say that , "Parenting does not come with a manual". Not anymore parents! Here it is. The only parenting book you'll ever need to read.
As an author and educator, I have recommended this book as a must-read to every parent in my network. The content of the book more than delivers the promise on the cover. A revolution in parenting has truly begun.
a. highlight the recognition and understanding of our inner voice and inner child AND
b. show how that comes into play with the day-to-day and repetitive issues we have with our children AND
c. provide strategies to resolve them
In her masterpiece, The Awakened Family, Dr. Shefali Tsabary brilliantly does all of the above--weaving in the lessons through real-life examples and personal experience as a parent. With a fine balance of poetry and prose, this book also offers parents reflective poems as well as chapter culminations for easy reference--making this book instructional as well as a quick guide. They say that , "Parenting does not come with a manual". Not anymore parents! Here it is. The only parenting book you'll ever need to read.
As an author and educator, I have recommended this book as a must-read to every parent in my network. The content of the book more than delivers the promise on the cover. A revolution in parenting has truly begun.
May 22, 2017
Let me preface this by saying that I agree with a lot of what this book has to say: allow your child to be her own person, don't provoke her to anger, give plenty of space, and for goodness sakes, LISTEN.
However, it was strange to the point of distraction that this Ph.D incorporated nothing in the way of research into the book. It was, essentally, one really, really long opinion. A lot of contradictory recommendations given, and the author's recommendations presented as the "right" way to parent.
I couldn't engage with the book at all until at least the halfway point when the examples given were less extreme.
However, it was strange to the point of distraction that this Ph.D incorporated nothing in the way of research into the book. It was, essentally, one really, really long opinion. A lot of contradictory recommendations given, and the author's recommendations presented as the "right" way to parent.
I couldn't engage with the book at all until at least the halfway point when the examples given were less extreme.
June 15, 2016
Although my kids are adults now, I am always interested in reading the latest in parenting books. What I enjoyed from this book was the author took the time to investigate parents behavior, accountability, and how our past affected our present. Not blaming but exploring. A self help book to be better people in all relationships.
June 28, 2022
“The reality is that as long as we focus on changing our children – or anyone other than ourselves – we’ll discover that it’s akin to trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon”
I loved this book.
And I would recommend it to anyone, not just to parents, but especially to parents who are struggling and wondering why everything else is failing. It might not magically solve all your problems but it will help you get to the root cause.
I like that it offers a whole life philosophy which will benefit most aspects of your life as well as the important people around you, rather than random strategies to serve your own purpose, and to make others do what you wish.
I admit it is scary to face your deepest fears and shortcomings, but in order to build better relationships with yourself, your family and others, I think it is necessary and worth it.
I love how this book both shook me deeply and brought me calm and peace at the same time. If someone asked me which books have helped change my life, I probably would put this one at the top of the list (though I realize this has to do with timing and the readiness for change before one even opens a certain book).
I borrowed this from a friend but then I bought a copy so I could refer to it when/if I start losing myself in culturally defined conventions, residual pain, and mindless ego trips.
One of those rare 10 star reads!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I loved this book.
And I would recommend it to anyone, not just to parents, but especially to parents who are struggling and wondering why everything else is failing. It might not magically solve all your problems but it will help you get to the root cause.
I like that it offers a whole life philosophy which will benefit most aspects of your life as well as the important people around you, rather than random strategies to serve your own purpose, and to make others do what you wish.
I admit it is scary to face your deepest fears and shortcomings, but in order to build better relationships with yourself, your family and others, I think it is necessary and worth it.
I love how this book both shook me deeply and brought me calm and peace at the same time. If someone asked me which books have helped change my life, I probably would put this one at the top of the list (though I realize this has to do with timing and the readiness for change before one even opens a certain book).
I borrowed this from a friend but then I bought a copy so I could refer to it when/if I start losing myself in culturally defined conventions, residual pain, and mindless ego trips.
One of those rare 10 star reads!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
February 21, 2020
Really good. A bit brutal because it really did help me see how I'm living out some childhood fears through my children, and how immature I can be as a person and as a parent. I did feel overwhelmed many times but in the end I felt her message was simple. I'm going to work my way through this one again because it rang so so true to me and was incredibly helpful. By far the best and most helpful parenting book I've ever read.
May 15, 2018
One of those books that you wish it won’t finish! I’ve read so many books about mindfulness and people, but this one is really special! I would make it a mandatory reading for parents! Because we may consider that parenting “comes natural” (this something that I also thought) but that “nature” is already conditioned by culture, society, your own family etc! And new kids of the world deserve new parenting paths, awakened ones ... not repeating blindly some old ones. I don’t think there is one page without an underlined phrase or paragraph, that good I found it! Of course, the message of book is not an easy one, especially that Dr Shefali is pointing out first to the individual, and then his/her position as a parent. She is destroying the supreme position (and justification) of those parenting styles based on “I’m the mother/father! You have to do as I say!”, and so many other “delicious” myths ... towards a new, awakened family 🤗
June 2, 2016
The Awakened Family truly is a revolution in the making. It illuminates the fact that the centuries-old methods of command and control, fear and intimidation, my way or the highway parenting simply don't work any longer. This only leads to disconnection.
Following Dr. Shefali's teachings & putting them into practice on a day to day, moment by moment basis is hard work but our family dynamic has improved immensely. The deep connection that's forming between me and my two girls is a thrill to see and feel. It's also a great way to solidify my connection with my wife and gives us a common parenting language!
The insights and practical tools in this book will leave you forever changed. I highly recommend this book to ALL people, not just parents!
One more thing, the Conscious Parenting community has been immensely supportive - there aren't very many Conscious Fathers out there!
Following Dr. Shefali's teachings & putting them into practice on a day to day, moment by moment basis is hard work but our family dynamic has improved immensely. The deep connection that's forming between me and my two girls is a thrill to see and feel. It's also a great way to solidify my connection with my wife and gives us a common parenting language!
The insights and practical tools in this book will leave you forever changed. I highly recommend this book to ALL people, not just parents!
One more thing, the Conscious Parenting community has been immensely supportive - there aren't very many Conscious Fathers out there!
May 15, 2017
Some really deep truths in this book. Definitely one of those books that in some way will forever change your view of yourself as a parent. Even though I really connected with parts of this book on a deep level, I found it a little lacking in specific action steps for change. Also, it was a little hard on moms (and we are pretty good at being hard on ourselves already). All that being said, I am grateful for this book and I feel like I can be a better parent having read it. I am especially grateful that I read this book with my book club (a group of moms). We were able to discuss practical ways we could implement some of the recommendations (and also laugh about all the ways we have totally goofed-up as parents, because we are human after all).
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