Niçin İyi İnsanlar Kötü Şeyler Yaparlar?

by Debbie Ford

Gazete manşetleri yoldan sapmış iyi insanların öyküleriyle doludur. Bunların yanı sıra ailelerimizde, topluluklarımızda, arkadaş çevrelerimizde de sayısız kendi kendini mahvetme ve baltalama davranışları sergilenmektedir. Bütün iyi niyetlere rağmen, "iyi insanlar" genelde niçin yaptıklarını anlamadan çok kötü şeyler yaparlar?

New York Times'in en çok satan yazarı Debbie Ford bizi farkında olmadığımız ama her birimizin içinde bulunan ikiliğin merkezine götürüyor: Bizi değerlerimize göre yaşamaya sevgi alıp sevgi vermeye, toplumumuza katkıda bulunmaya zorlayan güç ile bizi alıkoyan, çalışmalarımızı sabote eden ve sürekli kötü seçimler yapmaya yönelten gücü tanıtıyor.
Ford, bastırılmış duyguların er geç yüzeye çıkışını inceleyerek başlıyor. Deniz Topu Etkisi ismini verdiği bu olguyu araştırarak bize kendi kendimizi mahvettiren davranışlarımızın kaynağını ortaya çıkarıyor. Karanlık ve aydınlık yanlarımızın sonsuz savaşını anlatıyor, sonra olası felâketlerin tehlike işaretlerini saptayarak yaratmak için didindiğimiz yaşamlarımızı niçin yok ettiğimizi anlamamıza yardımcı oluyor.

Niçin İyi İnsanlar Kötü Şeyler Yaparlar, Ford'un bugüne kadar yazmış olduğu en kalıcı, en kapsamlı, en güçlü eseridir. Ford insanın kendi kendini baltalama biçimlerini meydana çıkaran becerileri öğreterek, gerçek hayata nasıl ulaşılacağını gösteriyor.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Personal Development, Audiobook, Health, Unfinished

280 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2008

About the author

Debbie Ford was an American author of self-help books. Her first book, "The Dark Side Of The Light Chasers", spawned eight more books in the genre and dealt with confronting one's "dark side" rather than ignoring it. Ford also hosted television and radio shows related to her books.

She passed away due to complications from cancer in 2013.

Reviews

[Kim Olver · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book that generated mixed feelings in me. I definitely appreciate Ms. Ford's attention to the subject of self-sabotage but I don't agree with her assessment of our shadow sides. (Perhaps I am more in denial than I think.)

Ms. Ford does an eloquent job writing about the multiple ways we sabotage ourselves in our best attempts to do good and be good. I particularly enjoyed the chapter entitled, "The Masks." In it, she chronicles the various masks our wounded ego wears to show the world who we want them to see. It will be difficult to read that chapter and not see the mask or masks of your personal preference.

What I didn't agree with was her statement that we have to embrace our shadow side and proudly proclaim how those qualites we or society has deemed negative actual serve us. Take nastiness for example. I may not want to admit any part of me is nasty. I want to always be nice, kind and good. So, when any nastiness surfaces, I attempt to keep it buried because I've decided it isn't good.

Ms. Ford suggests that we are equal part positive and negative traits. In order to fully integrate ourselves, we must embrace both sides. She suggests that nastiness might serve me well if I've hired a contractor to fix something in my home and he is repeatedly not doing the job he was hired to do in a competent manner.

Here is where I diverge from her thinking. Certainly, the majority of people, wouldn't fault anyone for getting nasty in a situation like that. However, I am personally on a spiritual quest. I have embraced the idea of transcending my ego, as Eckhart Tolle, David Hawkins and others discuss. This is my past. So, while I recognize that my ego has all personality traits associated with it, my preference is moving beyond ego to my spiritual self where there is only love and acceptance.

So, depending where you are at in your journey, I think you could find this book useful. If you are challenged by feelings of unworthiness and find you can't be authentically who you are, or you are involved in a lot of self-sabotage, then you may want to pick up this book.

[drowningmermaid · Rating 2 out of 5]

So far... this is sounding like a bunch of pseudo-psychological pablum.

Starts off raising my hackles with statements like: "this is why I am the perfect person to help you" and other 'behold, the hundreds of thousands I have healed' type stuff, accompanied by a bunch of obscure pop-culture references that are now out of date and which I wouldn't know anyway because I, unlike her intended audience, do not keep tabs on the doings of celebrities.

I am waiting for her to acknowledge that her "embracing the shadow self" idea is a basic Buddhist tenet that has been around for thousands of years, and was not invented her.

Also: if her whole point is accepting weakness and refraining from judgement, why does she spend so much time pointing out the times when various celebrities have made fools of themselves?

[Vida At · Rating 3 out of 5]

اين كتاب تكرار مكرراتش زياد بود، البته اين حس رو من نسبت به خيلي از كتب روانشناسي دارم. براي گفتن لب كلام كلي قلم فرسايي ميكنن.
كتاب در كل كتاب خيلي خوبيه مثل خيلي كارهاي دبي فورد . در مجموع من فصل نقاب هاش رو خيلي دوست داشتم.

[Burcu · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Hepimiz ilahi yaratıcımızın sureti olarak saf ve masum yaratılırız ve sonra insanlık deneyimi başlar. Yaşam deneyimimiz kusurdaki kusursuzluğu görmemizi ve özlemle keşfetmemizi bekleyen altını çıkarmamızı engeller”

[Nasim · Rating 3 out of 5]

عنوان کتاب در واقع همان جمله‌ی دوم روی جلد است" چگونه از دشمن با خود دست بکشید" و نهایتا جز ۳۰ درصد کتاب بقیه‌اش نکات تکراری است که در کتابهای دیگه همین نویسنده یا کتابهایی با موضوعات متشابه تکرار و گفته شده و چیز جدید خیلی خاصی نداشت.

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

Appreciated the perspective that our shadow sides are part of the whole of our humanity. The dualism discussion offers antidotes to shame as well as permission and strategies to get unstuck and move forward. That this is a best seller for so long suggests we all could offer ourselves a little more kindness and grace.

[Darin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Critical for a complete understanding of the human condition.

Ford illustrates that the root causes by which sabotage our relationships, our finances, our families, and our careers are rooted in our unknown and unconscious programing.

This programming results in an unhealthy belief concerning our dark sides. The pain and shame we feel "drives us to use food, alcohol, sex, drugs, excitement, collecting, gossiping and philandering as ways to distract ourselves from seeing that which we deem unacceptable or unflattering."

The scary thing is that we ALL do this to some extent or other. Some self-sabotage to the extent of criminal.

In the end, it is important to recognize the lies we sell ourselves as the root cause of our short comings.

For more on Personal Freedom see
http://www.The4Freedoms.net

[American Business Institute · Rating 5 out of 5]

A critical read for a complete understanding of the human condition.

Ford illustrates that the root causes by which sabotage our relationships, our finances, our families, and our careers are rooted in our unknown and unconscious programing.

This programming results in an unhealthy belief concerning our dark sides. The pain and shame we feel "drives us to use food, alcohol, sex, drugs, excitement, collecting, gossiping and philandering as ways to distract ourselves from seeing that which we deem unacceptable or unflattering."

The scary thing is that we ALL do this to some extent or other. Some self-sabotage to the extent of the criminal.

In the end, it is important to recognize the lies we sell ourselves as the root cause of our short comings.

[Reza Gharibi · Rating 5 out of 5]

بعضي وقت ها اتفاقات عجيبي و جالبي توي زندگي آدم ها رخ ميده. سال اول دبيرستان براي اردوي تفريحي با قطار به مشهد رفتيم ، ذهنم مدت ها درگير سوالاتي مثل اسم همين كتاب بود! پدرم براي قطار اين كتاب رو بم داد كه مطالعه كنم! اما شيطنت اون زمان باعث شده بود حتي اسم رو كتاب رو هم نخونم و كتاب از ته كيفم بيرون نياد!!!
اين سوال مدت زيادي تو ذهنم بود تا كتاب رو بعد ٥ ٦ سال بعد اون اتفاق خوندم و ياداون روز افتادم و با خنده پيش خودم گفتم كاش تو قطار ميخوندمش.
كتاب روانشناسي خوبي هست و با نگاه جالبي به قضيه "چرا آدم هاي خوب كار هاي بد ميكنند" ميپردازه.
با اين حال هنوزم دنبال پاسخ اين سوال هستم و علاوه بر اين ياد گرفتم كتابي رو كه كسي بم هديه ميكنه سعي ميكنم در اسرع وقت بخونمش( چون به احتمال زياد با هدف خاصي يك كتاب هديه داده ميشه)

[Brandon · Rating 5 out of 5]

it's quite a shocker to be confronted with a detailed description of the type of persona I used to put on just to hide my true self. not that I'm saying I don't wear a mask these days, but like what Ford intelligently illustrated in the book, life is about taking from where we failed/ were failed and starting to flourish.

what the book seems to contain beneath the words is a wisdom far greater than a simple psychoanalytical writing, a wisdom that embraces what life always is.

love never fails, for that is what life is. we are bound to run into the exact troubles we a avoid, until we let out what has been stored and buried deep inside us long long ago. brilliant! just brilliant!

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

You need to be 'ready' to read this book. Be prepared to truly be open and honest with yourself and to explore your inner world with no prejudices. This book is making me realize who I really am and how I have been fooling the world around me, out of fear, shame and wanting to fit in. I was dumped by my girlfriend after a 6-month rocky relationship, so I was ready to learn from it. I dont want to keep repeating the same unsuccessful patterns I've been following for most of my life.

[Doneen · Rating 2 out of 5]

For me, the writing was muddled, and the author kept saying the same things over and over and over. Everything helpful (and there were a few helpful, thought-provoking things) could have been said in a clearer and much more concise way.

[Lilith Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Conflicting feelings about this book. I finished it a while ago.

[Robert · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is really good to understand why you are doing bad things and sabotaging your life.

[Lucynelsonloveslife · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is really good for exposing all personality flaws, escape methods, denial attempts, toxic traits etc and provides the solution to healing our wounds and self criticism. It gives a clear scaffolding to see yourself if you are open to seeing and acknowledging. I found the personality profiles a little lengthy and challenging to retain as there were so many but I’m sure the end goal is to make sure all possible dysfunctions are exposed and clearly able to be seen. I took a long time to get through this but I think it’s a book I will read again.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

An insightful book. The gist I got was that you need to be able to accept yourself and let go of your past deeds. Actually forgive yourself and move on. Beating yourself up over things you have done or that have been done to you tear you down from being the awesome person you have the potential to be. So, let go.

[Abracadebra · Rating 5 out of 5]

So many pearls of wisdom here. If you want to stop self-sabotaging behavior and forgive yourself and others, this book could really help you see the bigger picture and accept all aspects and emotions of the human experience.

[Mandy Pinckley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am proud to have finished this book as it brought up a lot of different emotions within myself. It has valuable insight on deep issues within every one of us. The language of the book is complex yet simple enough to appeal to a wider audience.

[Setareh Farhadi · Rating 3 out of 5]

انسان ها از نظر نویسنده به دو گروه تقسیم شده اند.گوسفند و گرگ،و باید بدانیم در کدام دسته قرار داریم و این که اگر کارهای بدی انجام میدهیم دلیل بر آن نیست ک انسان بدی هستیم این در خصلت ماست اگر از کار بدی که انجام داده ایم پشیمانیم میتوانیم آن را جبران کنیم.

[Arshanti Tramm · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love this book. It is so wonderfully written. I believe that it explain well how I see life itself. I embrace all the aspects of it. I see it more from the yin yang perspective but the way the writer describes it 🙌

[Courtney · Rating 2 out of 5]

Hmm. I am everyone.

[Pammy Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my perception on many things . Amazing experience!

[Hannah Comstock]

I recommend this book to my clients,

[Kristy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whoa! This book will smack you in your head. Such a MUST READ when you are ready to face your truth and understand others. I loved it!!!

[Tim · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness
comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
—Rumi; translation by Coleman Bark

"Forgiveness challenges us to find the gold in the dark, the wisdom in our wounds, and the possibility hidden within our pain."

This is an excellent, excellent book. I highly recommend it. Debbie Ford's writing eminently readable, conversational, logical, easy to follow. She's written a lot of books on The Shadow, our darker self we'd like to pretend isn't there but keeps showing up in our lives to lead us astray and avert our path from the best of life. From the different descriptions I just picked this one to start with and, without having read any others yet, I feel like I made a good choice. This is in perhaps the best self-help book, especially for those of us who're so used to bad situations that The Law of Attraction works against us and, like me, can't figure out how to get it going the other way, to work for us. This book is that instruction manual. It tells us how to embrace our past, forgive ourselves, embrace the strength and lessons of our darker selves, and move forward. I highlighted about 10% of the book and made notes to many of those. I really like that she closes with examples from her own shortcomings and how those are also her strengths. Don't bother reading Deepak Chopra on The Shadow and definitely stay away from Marianne Williamson on the subject.

"My fear of being called lazy gives me my drive. It is my vanity that dresses me in the morning and gets me to work out even when I’m tired. My fear of being a negligent mother makes sure that I go to all the flag football games (even when I’m busy) and drive my son to school (even when I’m tired and he could take the bus). It is my greed and love for fine things that drive me to work when others are out partying, and it is my denial of the evil and angry judgments of others that allows me to stand up in front of group after group and tout my message—to heal the split between the two forces that exist within each of us."

[Alan Annand · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a consulting astrologer with an active practice, I have a vested interest in knowing what (aside from Mars and other angry planets) makes people tick from a psychological perspective. And because I also try to be of use in a coaching role, I tend to read quite a lot of "self-help" books to understand why so many people ignore good advice and just do what they want anyway. This book was quite useful in many respects. Its major thesis is that we all have a Shadow Self. For the most part, we run away from it, but occasionally we embrace it, after which all manner of chaos may erupt. Ms Ford outlines the various archetypes of the shadow self that we may encounter, both in ourselves, and in those significant others we meet. She also offers a number of strategies in how to accommodate these "demons", transmute them, and co-exist with them. In the end, she gets a little too "born again" for my taste, but her overall delivery is very instructive. If you think you or someone you know is possessed by demons, check it out.

[Jennifer]

The book is really interesting especially if you are into psychology. It really looks at past emotional experiences as an affect on current behavior. The comparison is like a volcano or a beach ball being held under water. Also, I don't think the book is as intimidating as the title. Bad things are necessarily killing people, they can be as simple as actions outside of who you are as a person.

[Anita Jacob · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sometimes I feel too much of explanations can confuse or get a reader lost. The concept of the book and what Debbie Ford shares is great. She introduces you to your wounded ego and explains why we end up doing things that destroy our lives...she also touches on how to heal ourselves. However, I felt that each section dragged on and on...with a lot of repetition, so much so that when I finished one section of the chapter I felt a little giddy, as if I'd been on a merry go round.

[Shane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for people who want to learn more about themselves and understand why others do what they do. She talks about different types of people, masks we wear, how what we like/hate tells us about ourselves, etc. Good for taking ownership/responsibility for one's life, choices, actions, and emotions - so we can find our true selves and be as effective as we can be.

[Anna French · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting concept, and somewhat true I'm sure. But attributing all our negative behavior to shame-bodies seems a bit of an oversimplification. I read through some of the different personality types (both predator and prey) and could see characteristics of at least a few in myself, if not to the degree described. I was left thinking, "so what does that mean for me?"