A Better Death: Conversations about the art of living and dying well

by Ranjana Srivastava

'Illuminating, inspiring and intensely practical' HUGH MACKAY, author of The Good Life 'Brimming with pathos and profound insights' KON KARAPANAGIOTIDIS, author of The Power of Hope Of all the experiences we share, two universal events bookend our lives: we are all born and we will all die. We don't have a choice in how we enter the world, but we can have a say in how we leave it. In order to die well, we must be prepared to contemplate our mortality and to broach it with our loved ones, who are often called upon to make important decisions on our behalf. These are some of the most important conversations we can have with each other - to find peace, kindness and gratitude for what has gone before, and acceptance of what is to come. Dr Ranjana Srivastava draws on two decades of experience to share her observations and advice on leading a meaningful life and finding dignity and composure at its end. With an emphasis on advocacy, leaving a legacy, and staying true to our deepest convictions, Dr Srivastava tells stories of strength, hope and resilience in the face of grief, and offers an optimistic meditation on living and dying well. `At last, a book that teaches us how to die with kindness, courage and grace' CAROLINE BAUM, author of Only `The perfect balm for a fearful and technocratic world' MICHAEL McGIRR, author of Books that Saved My Life `What a gift! Read it and give it to everyone you love' KATE RICHARDS, author of Madness: A Memoir `Irresistibly compassionate, convincing and wise' MORAG ZWARTZ, author of Being Sam `Moving and informative, this book will leave an indelible mark' AUSTRALIAN WOMEN'S WEEKLY Dr Ranjana Srivastava OAM is an oncologist, award-winning writer, broadcaster and Fulbright scholar. www. ranjanasrivastava. comAuthor BiographyDr Ranjana Srivastava OAM is a practising oncologist, internationally published and award-winning author, broadcaster and Fulbright scholar. She is a fellow of the Royal Australasian College of Physicians

Genres: Nonfiction, Medicine, Death, Health, Grief

336 pages, Paperback

Published June 1, 2019

Reviews

[Belle · Rating 2 out of 5]

2 / 5 stars

I found this book during a visit to a beautiful seaside bookstore and the cover and synopsis meant I had to have it. Healthcare in Australia is a topic I'm intensely interested in, and the first 100 pages of this book were informative, gripping and exceptionally riveting.

This was a collection of patient stories relating to end of life and death experiences, written by an oncologist and chronic disease specialist who practices in Australia. Dr. Srivastava had a beautiful writing style, but my main issue was the fact that this book was too long.

The main points were made within the first 100 pages and then reiterated throughout the rest of the book. It got to the point that finishing this book became a task—the patient stories were all so similar and no new points were made. This would have been a powerful book if it had been at least 100 pages shorter.

[Anna O'Donnell · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most captivating books I have read. Mortality is inherent to all of us. Our impending death as a human being is the only thing of which we can be sure. The information and ancedotes expressed in this book are extremely useful to assist and guide healthcare for clinicians, but I hope it is a book read and enjoyed by all. Whether it's you, a relative or a friend, we can all learn how to navigate the end of our lives, and that of others; Srivastava guides that conversation with such poise, equanimity and eloquence.

[Suzanne Higgins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautifully described experiences of walking alongside people during their final journey. Kindness and compassionate care evident as the author describes the many shades of grey that exists in oncology. How each person is different and patient centered care requires the treating health professional to be both sensitive and honest. It made me think about what might be important for me if I had a life threatening illness and was going to die.

[Nina · Rating 4 out of 5]

accessible writing about a hugely important topic. after interning in palliative care for a while, i‘ve heard or seen most of what is covered here, but i‘d recommend this book to anyone who hasn‘t spent any time seriously considering their own death yet.

[Ellen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book as I am thinking through a recent death, and I thought a book written by a doctor who has a lot to do with death may be helpful. It was interesting in the matter of fact, and yet compassionate way of dealing with the discussion of death. It was also reassuring.

I would suggest this book as a helpful read for most people as it can be helpful reading it after someone died, as I did, or in helping to best support others. As we are all dying, it really is a useful book, and a reminder that it is best to talk about possible plans, and wishes, and not be in denial of the inevitable.

It is a short book, and I was able to read it while on my train commute.

My review is for a paper copy of this book, published by Simon and Schuster

[Giovanna Walker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thoughtful. Compassionate. Kind. I recommended to a friend - we have a mutual friend with stage 4 cancer. Life lessons (or is that death lessons?) that we should all be taught. Sure, it's a bloody tough and confronting subject, but we all die, so let's prepare well. I saw my father suffer a 'bad' death, traumatic for him and me, his only child & relative. I don't want to repeat those mis-steps. What will you legacy be? How will you lead your life? Will you have regrets? Dr S asks all these questions and provides examples, all sensitively portrayed, no judgement made. I wish she had been around for my father & I.

[Jenbes · Rating 5 out of 5]

You don't have to be living with someone who's dying to read this book. It's full of stories of people who lived and died well. It helps us all to think of our own mortality and what we would like to have happen as we die. This book has given me choices, a desire to know of my own prognosis should I be faced with a terminal illness. Most of all it's helped me accept that life is terminal and that's ok.

[Poh Kam Wong · Rating 5 out of 5]

An oncologist turned writer, Ranjana draws on her experience with many terminal cancer patients in Australia to tell moving stories of gratitude, acceptance and resilience in the face of mortality, and offers useful advice on how we can be better prepared for dying well, and as a result, for living well.

A great reminder for all of us to start contemplating our mortality and take pro-active steps to prepare for it while we are still healthy.

[Wendy Yang]

The author writes with great warmth and gentleness. A better death is one with closure for those left behind. It ought to be understood as an inevitable part of life, therefore is everybody's business to think about mortality and what it means (for them) to die well. I also liked the more practical bent of the book - would be a good guide for those dealing with the terminal illness/sudden death of a loved one. Offer to take on the small chores, no job is too small, be simply & quietly present.

[Chantale Roxanas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Profound and moving book

This book certainly gave me a lot to think about. Well written and touching, this book encourages you to reflect on your own life and death - how do you want to live? How do you want to die? What is important to you?

Highly recommend this book as a prompt to get you thinking about the things that matter most.

[Jacinta · Rating 5 out of 5]

« In the end only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let got of things not meant for you. » A Buddhist quote.

[Caitlyn Moore · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to love this book more!! From the cover to the synopsis, I expected something different

From the start and the use of “my favourite patient” language, to throughout the book it left an impression of ‘this is how a person dying and their family should act to be the least annoying’. I also didn’t love how it pitted doctors as the true guiding light of end-of-life care and didn’t really acknowledge the multidisciplinary team as it should - yes, I understand it’s from the author’s perspective as a doctor - and even at one point towards the end of the book put down a nurse and their approach

As a community palliative care nurse, I know navigating someone through the process of death and dying is a true privilege. I truly believe the author knows this too. It was just a shame that this wasn’t conveyed in the message of the book!

The quotes were a nice touch and the reason for a 2.5/5 star, but the way it was written just didn’t hit the mark. The author also had such a beautiful writing style too!

The intention of this book was so great, I just wish the message carried through

[Alex Rogers · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed the book, but it pretty much felt like a collection of anecdotes and short stories. I'd been excited to read it, Srivastava is a mut-read columnist in the Guardian, and I really rate her articles and essays there very highly. She is thoughtful, insightful, compassionate, smart, and brings all of that to her writing. I found the book a little less interesting, perhaps because I'd read many of the stories (or very similar ones) from her before - perhaps it all felt a bit much in a book-length treatment that mostly collected the stories, rather than really developing them further into something more. Still, enjoyable and interesting, and if you haven't been following her articles, you are in for a treat.

[Tilda · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a well-written overview of some thoughtful considerations for the dying and their loved ones. I think it is probably better geared towards the loved ones part of that equation as I felt its strongest parts were around how to be helpful and supportive to others. When I reflected on it through the perspective of the dying I couldn't help but bristle against the tendency to valorise the stoic and uncomplaining. I agree with the central premise that underlies the book: that grace, gratitude, acceptance, kindness are all important elements of a good death. But particularly in cancer land there is so much pressure to be a 'good' and 'uncomplaining' patient, when the reality is that confronting mortality is painful, messy and non-linear and sometimes a bit ugly. While I know that is not what the author is promoting, the 'wow, she never dropped a beat when she got her terminal diagnosis' type stories set unrealistic expectations of people put in very existentially challenging circumstances. I'd hate to think of people nearing end of life beating themselves up reading this because their reactions and coping didn't fit the angelic mold. I would have liked to see greater acceptance and acknowledgement of all the complexity of emotions that come with dying - noting the zen state she admires can take some time to arrive at - if at all - and that's ok.

[Vadonna L. Randolph · Rating 5 out of 5]

Doctor's Perspective

Doctors carry a heavy load as they try to bring healing to their patients. They aren't magicians but instead someone who is trying to help us.

[Julie Stielstra · Rating 2 out of 5]

There was nothing wrong with this book, really, but based on the author’s columns in the Guardian, I was expecting something deeper, more insightful, more thought-provoking. This just doesn’t quite rise above most other “death & dying” self-help books. Much of it comprises case histories of her patients - which is fine, as they are often touching - working through their shock, denial, grief to some acceptance of their mortality. She discusses the need for kindness, patience, compassion, and gratitude, and she herself works very hard to practice these qualities. She is very much someone I would want for my oncologist! But… what she describes offers very little beyond what most of us already know; the struggle is how we fail to do so, and need help with! She depicts her “favorite” patients: all of them earnest, compliant, polite, pleasant, grateful. Surely she’s had angry, difficult, rude, obnoxious patients facing death - it might have been enlightening to read about those folks and what we could learn from them. Her emphasis is on dying well, but gives very short shrift to medical aid in dying concerns. The chapter on caring for a parent with dementia was also very disappointing (as I am working through this scenario myself): she tells of a daughter who faithfully visits her mother through long years of dementia. The mom lives in a well-run, nearby memory care facility, and daughter comes once a week to sit with her, and how just that is so meaningful. And what of the family working two jobs, raising kids, AND ALSO doing physical caregiving for a fully-demented elderly parent with co-morbidities living with them, with no money for respite? Though this book is out of Australia, and perhaps (probably…) the healthcare system works better there than here in the US.

Not a bad book, but disappointing. Read Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End or Henry Marsh’s And Finally: Matters of Life and Death instead.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beautifully written book with lots of anecdotal patient stories. Written from the viewpoint of a compassionate and kind oncologist. I am in the midst of loosing a second brother to Cancer and was hoping this would be a good book to send him and his family but I’m just not sure it is right now. The chapter on protecting our health is too late for someone already dying and just adds another level of blame, guilt and distress. I get the sense that this book is better to read after a death or tailored to carers and health carers. We do all need to be able to talk about death better and accept mortality and this book is open and honest on the importance of that. Thank you.

I lost another brother 16 years ago, also to terminal cancer, and I read many books at the time, and since about death and dying. The ones that have stuck with me are the practicality of SWEET SORROW.A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO DEATH and the search for meaning in death found in STARING AT THE SUN: overcoming the terror of death by Irvin D Yalom, where awakening experiences help us acknowledge, accept and make use of our fear of death - a turning point for a meaningful life. My go to book for those grieving became THE YEAR OF MAGICAL THINKING by JOAN DIDION. My first brother’s death was an awakening that is truly helping my dying brother come to terms with his own death. He has commented that very few of his friends are comfortable sharing in conversations about death and dying and quickly change the subject even when talking directly to a dying man.

[Justin Green · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was a bit long as someone mentioned, but otherwise a great read