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I Choose Elena
Aged fifteen and on track to be an Olympic gymnast, Lucia Osborne-Crowley was violently raped on a night out. The injuries she sustained that evening ended her gymnastics career, and eventually manifested in life-long chronic illnesses, which medical professionals now believe can be caused by untreated trauma.
In a brilliantly researched and deeply affecting essay, Osborne-Crowley invites the reader to her on decade-long journey to recovery: from the immediate aftermath of the assault, through years of misdiagnosis, to the solace and strength she found in writers like Elena Ferrante.
The author’s investigations reveal profound societal failures – of law, justice, education and the healthcare system. An essential contribution to the field of literature on assault and trauma, I Choose Elena argues that it is only through empathy than we can begin to address the self-perpetuating cycle of sexual violence.
In a brilliantly researched and deeply affecting essay, Osborne-Crowley invites the reader to her on decade-long journey to recovery: from the immediate aftermath of the assault, through years of misdiagnosis, to the solace and strength she found in writers like Elena Ferrante.
The author’s investigations reveal profound societal failures – of law, justice, education and the healthcare system. An essential contribution to the field of literature on assault and trauma, I Choose Elena argues that it is only through empathy than we can begin to address the self-perpetuating cycle of sexual violence.
144 pages, Paperback
First published September 19, 2019
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 124 reviews
March 9, 2020
A powerful essay about trauma, violence, illness and recovery. Osborne-Crowley's story is a truly horrific one - sexually assaulted as a teenager, followed by years of poorly-treated pain and chronic illness, culminating in something resembling recovery, via the bravery to confront her traumas directly. The writing is clear-eyed and honest - it's painful to read some of the early sections. The concluding sections drift a little, but I think this reflects the ambivalence of Osborne-Crowley's current situation - still sick, still traumatised, but finding a way to live through it.
February 20, 2020
Every book lover I know, at some time or another, has sought solace in a book. I Choose Elena, a long-form literary essay from Lucia Osborne-Crowley, explores that impulse at its very extreme. For over a decade, Osborne-Crowley suffered horrific, debilitating symptoms stemming back to a sexual assault in her teens. Now, she expands upon her struggle to come to a place where she could choose what defines her: the actions of a violent man, the illness of her body, or the joy and wonder she found in the works of writers like Elena Ferrante. As the title might suggest, she chooses Elena. Allen & Unwin were kind enough to send me a copy for review.
You don’t need to be familiar with Ferrante (or any other of the dozens of writers Osborne-Crowley references) to find yourself deeply immersed and irrevocably moved by this story. It’s not often that a book will bring me to tears, even less so a literary essay, but this one did (more than once): tears of anguish, tears of fury, tears of gratitude. I Choose Elena is a must-read for fans of Fiona Wright, Gabrielle Jackson, and Bri Lee.
An extended review will be available to subscribers at Keeping Up With The Penguins.
You don’t need to be familiar with Ferrante (or any other of the dozens of writers Osborne-Crowley references) to find yourself deeply immersed and irrevocably moved by this story. It’s not often that a book will bring me to tears, even less so a literary essay, but this one did (more than once): tears of anguish, tears of fury, tears of gratitude. I Choose Elena is a must-read for fans of Fiona Wright, Gabrielle Jackson, and Bri Lee.
An extended review will be available to subscribers at Keeping Up With The Penguins.
June 13, 2020
‘Growing up, I was a gymnast.’
When Lucia Osborne-Crowley was fifteen years old, she was violently raped in Sydney. She didn’t speak of this rape for ten years. Before the rape, Ms Osborne-Crowley was a young woman on track to be an Olympic gymnast. After the rape, she was chronically ill. In this courageous, confronting but uplifting book and in fewer than 150 pages, Ms Osborne-Crowley writes of her journey.
‘Shame really is the closest thing to death.’
I read this book wondering how many of us do not report rape because of our shame. I wonder how many of us can relate to this:
‘I was so ashamed of my past that I punished myself by recreating it.’
It takes great courage to confront such experiences and to talk about them. It often seems easier, in the short-term at least, to bury the experiences. But such buried experiences fester. Ms Osborne Crowley has had to deal with chronic illness (in the forms of endometriosis and Crohn’s Disease). Both are life-changing inflammatory diseases: I’ve had my own experience with endometriosis.
This book touches on a possible relationship between untreated trauma and chronic illness: I’d like to learn more about this.
Ms Osborne-Crowley read Elena Ferrante’s novels, and made a symbolic choice which is represented in the title:
‘I can choose to be influenced by a violent man in an abandoned bathroom or I can choose to be influenced by the strength and honesty of Elena.’
This is less a memoir than a personal account of a long health-related journey. Ms Osborne-Crowley’s focus is on learning and healing. And sharing.
‘Because of my silence the damage done to me is irreversible.’
Highly recommended.
Jennifer Cameron-Smith
When Lucia Osborne-Crowley was fifteen years old, she was violently raped in Sydney. She didn’t speak of this rape for ten years. Before the rape, Ms Osborne-Crowley was a young woman on track to be an Olympic gymnast. After the rape, she was chronically ill. In this courageous, confronting but uplifting book and in fewer than 150 pages, Ms Osborne-Crowley writes of her journey.
‘Shame really is the closest thing to death.’
I read this book wondering how many of us do not report rape because of our shame. I wonder how many of us can relate to this:
‘I was so ashamed of my past that I punished myself by recreating it.’
It takes great courage to confront such experiences and to talk about them. It often seems easier, in the short-term at least, to bury the experiences. But such buried experiences fester. Ms Osborne Crowley has had to deal with chronic illness (in the forms of endometriosis and Crohn’s Disease). Both are life-changing inflammatory diseases: I’ve had my own experience with endometriosis.
This book touches on a possible relationship between untreated trauma and chronic illness: I’d like to learn more about this.
Ms Osborne-Crowley read Elena Ferrante’s novels, and made a symbolic choice which is represented in the title:
‘I can choose to be influenced by a violent man in an abandoned bathroom or I can choose to be influenced by the strength and honesty of Elena.’
This is less a memoir than a personal account of a long health-related journey. Ms Osborne-Crowley’s focus is on learning and healing. And sharing.
‘Because of my silence the damage done to me is irreversible.’
Highly recommended.
Jennifer Cameron-Smith
March 8, 2020
*https://mrsbbookreviews.wordpress.com
‘We wilt under the predatory gaze of men who turn us into objects for public consumption. We become so conspicuous in this light that we start to think it is all we are. In this light, we wish to be invisible. In this light, we dream we will disappear.’
These are the powerful, but devastating words spoken by Lucia Osborne-Crowley in her literary essay, I Choose Elena. Published by Allen and Unwin in February, this brave and searing memoir style piece, looks closely at the cycle of trauma. Informative, reflective and honest, I Choose Elena is a timely book, that calls for greater recognition of the lasting effects of trauma.
Journalist Lucia Osborne-Crowley puts all her emotional energy and professionalism as a skilled researcher into her critical personal essay, titled I Choose Elena. Charting her early life as a top level gymnast, Lucia was on track to achieve great success in this field when she was violently attacked and raped in her teen years. Hiding from her pain, Lucia lost ten years of her life by burying the trauma of this incident away from her mind. However, the incident and resulting pain from this life defining event refused to go away, instead manifesting itself in Lucia’s battle ridden body. After years of misdiagnosis and unfair treatment from the medical profession, Lucia finally received a diagnosis for her ongoing pain. Following this revelation, Lucia was able to seek the correct support and guidance to set her on a path to recovery. I Choose Elena is an enlightening but desolate tale, that highlights the wide ranging effects of trauma. It also looks closely at the body’s physical ability to cope with a violent rape and it offers a seething interrogation into the construction of women’s complaints by the medical, education, government and justice systems.
I Choose Elena is a little book that really packs a punch. It hits where is hurts, and it examines issues of the utmost importance. Striking hard at the medical, healthcare, judicial, political and education system, along with society’s perceptions of violent attacks, rape, women’s health and wellbeing, Lucia Osborne-Crowley’s personal essay is a poignant meditation on trauma. I Choose Elena is underscored by a sense of urgency and bravery on behalf of the author, who bares all in this personal reflection.
Lucia’s journey opens with ‘Beginnings’, which provides the reader with an insight into her life as a teenage girl competing at Olympic level gymnastics. A horrific event occurs, which Lucia chooses to keep concealed for a number of years, which will have a devastating impact on her life. We then travel through a further six chapters, that takes us deep inside Lucia’s state of mind, her disappointing experiences, setbacks and struggles to overcome the violent attack, as well as resulting physical pain from this experience. I Choose Elena is supported by a comprehensive bibliography, which enables the reader to see that this book is not just a personal account, but it is a progressive essay, informed by a significant amount of research. Many of the facts and experiences raised by Lucia Osborne-Crowley was utterly appalling, it angered me. However, it has always been there, but this book works as a vehicle to air these issues to the public floor.
What personally upset me the most about I Choose Elena, was the way in which Lucia’s trauma was dealt with by medical and health care professionals. To be brave enough to seek medical intervention is a huge step, but the dismissal and misdiagnosis numerous times upset me. I could empathise with Lucia’s experiences in regarding her medical conditions (endometriosis and crohn’s disease). I can only begin to imagine what Lucia went through as she was violently raped as a teen and the resulting impact, which is still felt a decade later. This is a brave account from a woman that I feel exhibits a true sense of resilience, as well as survival.
I was also taken by the careful insertions of pertinent quotes from keynote writers personally selected by the author. From Roxanne Gay, Elena Ferrante, Zadie Smith and Cheryl Strayed, many of these thoughtfully selected statements, draw a great deal of meaning and support Osborne-Crowley’s text.
Drawing from her revered essay, The Lifted Brow, I Choose Elena, is a personal statement for our times. Lucia Osborne-Crowley discloses a decade filled with pain, illness, personal struggle and courage, that strikes at the heart of our very existence. I Choose Elena is an indispensable read.
*Thanks extended to Allen & Unwin for providing a free copy of this book for review purposes.
I Choose Elena is book #22 of the 2020 Australian Women Writers Challenge
‘We wilt under the predatory gaze of men who turn us into objects for public consumption. We become so conspicuous in this light that we start to think it is all we are. In this light, we wish to be invisible. In this light, we dream we will disappear.’
These are the powerful, but devastating words spoken by Lucia Osborne-Crowley in her literary essay, I Choose Elena. Published by Allen and Unwin in February, this brave and searing memoir style piece, looks closely at the cycle of trauma. Informative, reflective and honest, I Choose Elena is a timely book, that calls for greater recognition of the lasting effects of trauma.
Journalist Lucia Osborne-Crowley puts all her emotional energy and professionalism as a skilled researcher into her critical personal essay, titled I Choose Elena. Charting her early life as a top level gymnast, Lucia was on track to achieve great success in this field when she was violently attacked and raped in her teen years. Hiding from her pain, Lucia lost ten years of her life by burying the trauma of this incident away from her mind. However, the incident and resulting pain from this life defining event refused to go away, instead manifesting itself in Lucia’s battle ridden body. After years of misdiagnosis and unfair treatment from the medical profession, Lucia finally received a diagnosis for her ongoing pain. Following this revelation, Lucia was able to seek the correct support and guidance to set her on a path to recovery. I Choose Elena is an enlightening but desolate tale, that highlights the wide ranging effects of trauma. It also looks closely at the body’s physical ability to cope with a violent rape and it offers a seething interrogation into the construction of women’s complaints by the medical, education, government and justice systems.
I Choose Elena is a little book that really packs a punch. It hits where is hurts, and it examines issues of the utmost importance. Striking hard at the medical, healthcare, judicial, political and education system, along with society’s perceptions of violent attacks, rape, women’s health and wellbeing, Lucia Osborne-Crowley’s personal essay is a poignant meditation on trauma. I Choose Elena is underscored by a sense of urgency and bravery on behalf of the author, who bares all in this personal reflection.
Lucia’s journey opens with ‘Beginnings’, which provides the reader with an insight into her life as a teenage girl competing at Olympic level gymnastics. A horrific event occurs, which Lucia chooses to keep concealed for a number of years, which will have a devastating impact on her life. We then travel through a further six chapters, that takes us deep inside Lucia’s state of mind, her disappointing experiences, setbacks and struggles to overcome the violent attack, as well as resulting physical pain from this experience. I Choose Elena is supported by a comprehensive bibliography, which enables the reader to see that this book is not just a personal account, but it is a progressive essay, informed by a significant amount of research. Many of the facts and experiences raised by Lucia Osborne-Crowley was utterly appalling, it angered me. However, it has always been there, but this book works as a vehicle to air these issues to the public floor.
What personally upset me the most about I Choose Elena, was the way in which Lucia’s trauma was dealt with by medical and health care professionals. To be brave enough to seek medical intervention is a huge step, but the dismissal and misdiagnosis numerous times upset me. I could empathise with Lucia’s experiences in regarding her medical conditions (endometriosis and crohn’s disease). I can only begin to imagine what Lucia went through as she was violently raped as a teen and the resulting impact, which is still felt a decade later. This is a brave account from a woman that I feel exhibits a true sense of resilience, as well as survival.
I was also taken by the careful insertions of pertinent quotes from keynote writers personally selected by the author. From Roxanne Gay, Elena Ferrante, Zadie Smith and Cheryl Strayed, many of these thoughtfully selected statements, draw a great deal of meaning and support Osborne-Crowley’s text.
Drawing from her revered essay, The Lifted Brow, I Choose Elena, is a personal statement for our times. Lucia Osborne-Crowley discloses a decade filled with pain, illness, personal struggle and courage, that strikes at the heart of our very existence. I Choose Elena is an indispensable read.
*Thanks extended to Allen & Unwin for providing a free copy of this book for review purposes.
I Choose Elena is book #22 of the 2020 Australian Women Writers Challenge
March 8, 2020
‘By far the most dangerous element of my assault was the fact that I lived in a world where it was unspeakable. I knew, as soon as it happened, without ever being told, that I must say nothing. Indignity is painful but silence is a prison.’
I Choose Elena is one of the most honest and heartbreaking books I have ever read. The bravery that Lucia Osborne-Crowley has demonstrated in writing it just astounds me. But I want to clarify at the outset that this book is not a memoir. It’s more of a long-form medical essay with contextual personal reflections. Lucia writes about her own experiences of trauma and the effects this has had on her body, following this up with her battle for a diagnosis and subsequent surgeries and treatments. Rather than being driven by emotion, the content is presented in a logical manner and underscored by research. I honestly found the entire topic of trauma being stored in your body and manifesting itself physically in the form of illness utterly fascinating and compelling. So much of this book just made perfect sense.
‘What Levine figured out was that if you allowed yourself to be scared, to process the memory in its immediate aftermath, to let the body hurt until it doesn’t hurt any more, the memory no longer stays alive inside you.’
I felt split while reading this book. Part of me approached the book in a clinical manner, seeking information on the link between trauma and the body’s response to it. I have read recently a fair bit about the link between mental health and gut health, so this seemed to me an extension on this area of interest – hence my initial reasons for picking up this book. But the mother part of me, the one with a seventeen year old daughter, just wouldn’t go away. Because the thought of what Lucia endured when she was fifteen, and that she told no one, just splintered me into a thousand tiny pieces. It was harrowing to imagine a teenage girl bearing the weight of such a violent attack. Not just the injustice, but the trauma, and the burden of carrying it buried deep, and then all of the physical horrors she endured after as her body simply refused to live with such trauma imprinted within its cells.
‘But slowly I realised that getting better meant being brave enough to occupy my body again. To be brave enough to feel the pain of it, the weakness of it, to bear witness to how broken it had become. It was only once I started to do that that my body and I started to understand each other again.’
The reference to Elena Ferrante’s novels is related more to symbolism than content, an aspect of Lucia’s recovery that I appreciated and could relate to. This is a slim book, but its words are weighty. Anyone with an interest in trauma will find this book useful, and while Lucia’s trauma is related to sexual violence, sufferers of trauma stemming from other sources will still find this book illuminating. There is also commentary throughout that cannot be overlooked about the way in which women are treated differently to men when presenting at hospital with pain. As a sufferer of pain, the source of which is only just now being pieced together, there was a ring of truth to this for me. Recently I spent approximately five hours at the emergency department of my local hospital in extreme pain with physical evidence of swelling and lack of movement in both of my hands, only to be told that I should take Panadol and an antihistamine and come back again if it doesn’t improve. It did not improve. That a man might have received different treatment with the same symptoms is not something I’m equipped to comment on, but the research Lucia cites is eye opening and quite frankly, disturbing.
‘I thought of all the women writers who kept me company during the darkest moments of my recovery. The women whose strength pushed me ever on, convincing me that there was a world out there that was beautiful and kind and safe, and that it would be waiting for me when I was ready for it.’
I think it’s important to stress that this is not a depressing read. I think it might have been so if it had been structured as a memoir, but in its existing form, it’s far from being so. It is, above all, an extremely interesting read about trauma, and on its way to this, it’s also an incredible account of survival.
Thanks is extended to Allen & Unwin for providing me with a copy of I Choose Elena for review.
I Choose Elena is one of the most honest and heartbreaking books I have ever read. The bravery that Lucia Osborne-Crowley has demonstrated in writing it just astounds me. But I want to clarify at the outset that this book is not a memoir. It’s more of a long-form medical essay with contextual personal reflections. Lucia writes about her own experiences of trauma and the effects this has had on her body, following this up with her battle for a diagnosis and subsequent surgeries and treatments. Rather than being driven by emotion, the content is presented in a logical manner and underscored by research. I honestly found the entire topic of trauma being stored in your body and manifesting itself physically in the form of illness utterly fascinating and compelling. So much of this book just made perfect sense.
‘What Levine figured out was that if you allowed yourself to be scared, to process the memory in its immediate aftermath, to let the body hurt until it doesn’t hurt any more, the memory no longer stays alive inside you.’
I felt split while reading this book. Part of me approached the book in a clinical manner, seeking information on the link between trauma and the body’s response to it. I have read recently a fair bit about the link between mental health and gut health, so this seemed to me an extension on this area of interest – hence my initial reasons for picking up this book. But the mother part of me, the one with a seventeen year old daughter, just wouldn’t go away. Because the thought of what Lucia endured when she was fifteen, and that she told no one, just splintered me into a thousand tiny pieces. It was harrowing to imagine a teenage girl bearing the weight of such a violent attack. Not just the injustice, but the trauma, and the burden of carrying it buried deep, and then all of the physical horrors she endured after as her body simply refused to live with such trauma imprinted within its cells.
‘But slowly I realised that getting better meant being brave enough to occupy my body again. To be brave enough to feel the pain of it, the weakness of it, to bear witness to how broken it had become. It was only once I started to do that that my body and I started to understand each other again.’
The reference to Elena Ferrante’s novels is related more to symbolism than content, an aspect of Lucia’s recovery that I appreciated and could relate to. This is a slim book, but its words are weighty. Anyone with an interest in trauma will find this book useful, and while Lucia’s trauma is related to sexual violence, sufferers of trauma stemming from other sources will still find this book illuminating. There is also commentary throughout that cannot be overlooked about the way in which women are treated differently to men when presenting at hospital with pain. As a sufferer of pain, the source of which is only just now being pieced together, there was a ring of truth to this for me. Recently I spent approximately five hours at the emergency department of my local hospital in extreme pain with physical evidence of swelling and lack of movement in both of my hands, only to be told that I should take Panadol and an antihistamine and come back again if it doesn’t improve. It did not improve. That a man might have received different treatment with the same symptoms is not something I’m equipped to comment on, but the research Lucia cites is eye opening and quite frankly, disturbing.
‘I thought of all the women writers who kept me company during the darkest moments of my recovery. The women whose strength pushed me ever on, convincing me that there was a world out there that was beautiful and kind and safe, and that it would be waiting for me when I was ready for it.’
I think it’s important to stress that this is not a depressing read. I think it might have been so if it had been structured as a memoir, but in its existing form, it’s far from being so. It is, above all, an extremely interesting read about trauma, and on its way to this, it’s also an incredible account of survival.
Thanks is extended to Allen & Unwin for providing me with a copy of I Choose Elena for review.
January 30, 2023
All i can say about this essay is "Wow!", simply one of the most courageous,raw,honest and inspiring memoirs i have ever read!. Not gonna lie but i was really shaken and moved after reading this powerful masterpiece. One of the best things and one of my favourite reads for this month (and for this year!).
To me, Lucia is really a very brave person for all the painful and difficult past experiences she have faced when she was young.Formerly, she was a gymnast training for the Olympics. Unfortunately,on a fateful night out with her friends,she was raped and physically assaulted by a random stranger and that incident has kept her silence for a very long time. She was only 15 years old at that time.For the next 10 years she has been suppressing all her pain and sufferings alone,not even her parents know about 'the incident' until slowly the suppression begin to take its toll on her body up to the point that she felt her body begin to disengaged from herself. She kept losing her balance and would easily fell down several times during her gymnastic practice. At times,she would pass out without any reason and she kept on vomiting and bleeding too. As a result, she had no choice but to quit gymnastics,one of the fields that she loves and excels in,when things begin to spiral out of control one by one.
So, she begin to seek for treatment for her deteriorating conditions,consulted so many doctors and did so many surgeries,trying to figure out what went wrong with her body?. But all her efforts was in vain when none of the doctors could give her the explanations and the answers that she was looking for. All she knew was she had Endometriosis and Crohn's disease which explains the regular bleedings she have been having but how do those two are connected to her always passing out and losing her balance?.
That's where she keeps on digging for answers by herself through reading from so many sources especially relating to rape and physical assault cases. After so many unsuccessful surgeries and failed consultations with the doctors',she finally realised and accepted the truth. The truth was she have been living in denial (by not only suppressing her pain by keeping it all to herself,ignoring and avoiding them,letting them 'consuming' her body and self,little by little) but also she haven't been truthful and honest with the doctors either.She have never told any of the doctors that she have been raped and physically assaulted when she was 15. Infact, she almost about to share her secrets with one of the doctors who suspected that she was raped but she ran out from the doctor's room and never came back. All out of shame,anger and frustrations with herself. "Shame devours us from the inside out and leaves us empty: with no solid form,no edges,no boundaries,no structure".
And yes you guessed it right. So,this is a real life story of how a woman have been battling with her long,suppressed and untreated sexual trauma (and sexual abuse when she was a child) and her long and arduous journey to recovery.After 10 years of living in denial and avoidance,Lucia came to her own self-realization on what's actually happening to herself and her body and she finally learned about what the untreated and suppressed trauma is doing to her body and her self and for the first time she actually sought for medical help and the treatments that she have been avoiding before. All of this while,living in denial has made her ignored her pain and avoid getting the help that she needed. Her self-defense mode was by keeping herself busy with self achievements (she studied law and works as a journalist) and being in a series of unsuccessful relationships one after another while battling with drug and alcohol abuse,serious eating disorder (her weight shrunk down to only 43 kilogram! which is my current weight,apparently is not my normal weight as i too have lost so much weight due to struggling with my own life pressures and challenges living in a very toxic family environment) and potent self-hate."We conceal ourselves because we are so ashamed that if we are seen,the rotten core will be seen too. It is an act of ongoing disappearance.I found myself dependent not only on the approval of others but also on external symbols of success: good marks and gold medals and perfect report cards. It is shame that silences us and spreads our silence to others. It is deathly contagion. If shame is erasure, then its opposite surely be a relentless insistence on structure: on shape,on form. It must surely be a relentless insistence on being seen.On telling the truth. I was determined to run far enough away from my illnesses that i would never have to face their common cause. I couldn't accept that getting better would mean disclosure,would mean breaking the most important promise she had ever made to herself. I simply left my body altogether. I only acknowledged its pain when it was physically crippling me; the rest i numbed it with heavy painkillers,alcohol and potent self-hatred".
By being honest with herself and to the others did help when she slowly found her missing 'self' again and got her body back. All thanks to the trauma therapies that she's had. Lucia finally realizes that,"the only way out of it is through it. As i was trying to heal,i learned to turn all my energy inward. I forced myself to spend an hour every day writing poems,no matter how clumsy and heavy-handed they were,as a way of grounding myself. I started reading books again. When i needed a break from the memories, i would read whole novels in one sitting. I thought of all of the women writers who kept me company during the darkest moments of my recovery. The women whose strength pushed me ever on,convincing me that there was a world out there was a beautiful and kind and safe,and it would be waiting for me when i was ready for it". And she found that strength through Elena Greco,one of the protagonists from Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan novels.Reading Elena Ferrante's books does somehow helped Lucia to find her strengths,through the strong and positive portrayals of her female characters'character.To Lucia,"Elena Ferrante and the way her stories of female friendship showed me that women can be soft and powerful; that tenderness and strength are not antithetical,but equivalent. It takes vulnerability and resilience for women like her protagonist,Elena Greco,to overcome their dangerous pasts and possess their own narratives,in all complexity.In all of their vulnerability".
I am so glad that Lucia finally chose 'Elena' in her journey to recovery. However,the story does not end here. There is so much more shocking and eye-opening things that she shares through this essay besides her lifelong journey to recovery.She also talks about the problems with the healthcare system like the different and discriminating ways women patients were being treated as compared to men patients (how the doctors attended to prioritise treating men patients first over women's and women patients report of being in pain being taken lightly as being overly exaggerated have got my jaws dropped in shock and surprise because i never realised such gender discriminations even existed in receiving hospital treatments before!).And then she also touches on the problems related with the law pertaining to rape cases which apparently one of the main reasons why most rape victims refused to lodge a report is because they are afraid of their words being rejected and dismissed by others."So my rape went unreported,for the same reason so many sexual assaults do: i knew that shame could hurt more than the attack did. I knew that i lived in a world where the cost of speaking up could be much higher than any i had already paid. I had lost so much, and i was scared,and i was tired,and protecting myself from the blame of others was the only way i knew how to regain control.Cross-examination they could ask me why i didn't come forward earlier?where is the evidence?. Like many of the majority of rape defendants, the man with the Swiss army knife would likely be acquitted. They would beg the jury not to let a woman with a decade old allegation ruin the life he has built for himself. They would talk about his career and how far he has come,about how sad it would be to take that all away from him.The jury wouldn't hear anything about her. Except that she's a liar,a rotten thing".
"The notion that women are not to be trusted is the balm we use to excuse us from struggling with the listening or the telling,including that women lie about rape".A 2011 study by Ohio University supported this notion where 66 percents of respondents agreed with some combination of what the literature calls rape myths including that women lie about rape,that women secretly desire rape and that victims ought to be blamed for their sexual assaults. Just like the famous line of B.B King's,"Don't ever trust a woman until she's dead and buried!".So,the idea that women lie about rape contributes to it being criminally under-reported and why majority of sexual assaults go unreported over the years or decades!.
Apart from being informative (in fact very informative as i learned a great deal about trauma including the physiological effects on the body),this is a very eye-opening and very inspiring read where it marvelously details on the flawed and problematic healthcare and legal system relating to rape and violence cases,especially on the part of the women's victims.
Reading this powerful essay have got me thinking about a lot of things,especially about the importance of taking care of my own mental health and like Lucia said,"to fight it is to go through it. The truth is that silence is the darkest of captivities. It is ruinous and gratuitous and wretched".The world may be filled with violence,predators,unjust and discriminatory system but like Lucia says,"Silence itself may be chief among them. It is deadly.When it comes to recovery,silence is the knife edge between illness and health". Even though,we can't do much to change the system and the culture,however like Lucia says, "We can choose the words we wrap it inside of. The words we use to fill 'the silence'.
To me, Lucia is really a very brave person for all the painful and difficult past experiences she have faced when she was young.Formerly, she was a gymnast training for the Olympics. Unfortunately,on a fateful night out with her friends,she was raped and physically assaulted by a random stranger and that incident has kept her silence for a very long time. She was only 15 years old at that time.For the next 10 years she has been suppressing all her pain and sufferings alone,not even her parents know about 'the incident' until slowly the suppression begin to take its toll on her body up to the point that she felt her body begin to disengaged from herself. She kept losing her balance and would easily fell down several times during her gymnastic practice. At times,she would pass out without any reason and she kept on vomiting and bleeding too. As a result, she had no choice but to quit gymnastics,one of the fields that she loves and excels in,when things begin to spiral out of control one by one.
So, she begin to seek for treatment for her deteriorating conditions,consulted so many doctors and did so many surgeries,trying to figure out what went wrong with her body?. But all her efforts was in vain when none of the doctors could give her the explanations and the answers that she was looking for. All she knew was she had Endometriosis and Crohn's disease which explains the regular bleedings she have been having but how do those two are connected to her always passing out and losing her balance?.
That's where she keeps on digging for answers by herself through reading from so many sources especially relating to rape and physical assault cases. After so many unsuccessful surgeries and failed consultations with the doctors',she finally realised and accepted the truth. The truth was she have been living in denial (by not only suppressing her pain by keeping it all to herself,ignoring and avoiding them,letting them 'consuming' her body and self,little by little) but also she haven't been truthful and honest with the doctors either.She have never told any of the doctors that she have been raped and physically assaulted when she was 15. Infact, she almost about to share her secrets with one of the doctors who suspected that she was raped but she ran out from the doctor's room and never came back. All out of shame,anger and frustrations with herself. "Shame devours us from the inside out and leaves us empty: with no solid form,no edges,no boundaries,no structure".
And yes you guessed it right. So,this is a real life story of how a woman have been battling with her long,suppressed and untreated sexual trauma (and sexual abuse when she was a child) and her long and arduous journey to recovery.After 10 years of living in denial and avoidance,Lucia came to her own self-realization on what's actually happening to herself and her body and she finally learned about what the untreated and suppressed trauma is doing to her body and her self and for the first time she actually sought for medical help and the treatments that she have been avoiding before. All of this while,living in denial has made her ignored her pain and avoid getting the help that she needed. Her self-defense mode was by keeping herself busy with self achievements (she studied law and works as a journalist) and being in a series of unsuccessful relationships one after another while battling with drug and alcohol abuse,serious eating disorder (her weight shrunk down to only 43 kilogram! which is my current weight,apparently is not my normal weight as i too have lost so much weight due to struggling with my own life pressures and challenges living in a very toxic family environment) and potent self-hate."We conceal ourselves because we are so ashamed that if we are seen,the rotten core will be seen too. It is an act of ongoing disappearance.I found myself dependent not only on the approval of others but also on external symbols of success: good marks and gold medals and perfect report cards. It is shame that silences us and spreads our silence to others. It is deathly contagion. If shame is erasure, then its opposite surely be a relentless insistence on structure: on shape,on form. It must surely be a relentless insistence on being seen.On telling the truth. I was determined to run far enough away from my illnesses that i would never have to face their common cause. I couldn't accept that getting better would mean disclosure,would mean breaking the most important promise she had ever made to herself. I simply left my body altogether. I only acknowledged its pain when it was physically crippling me; the rest i numbed it with heavy painkillers,alcohol and potent self-hatred".
By being honest with herself and to the others did help when she slowly found her missing 'self' again and got her body back. All thanks to the trauma therapies that she's had. Lucia finally realizes that,"the only way out of it is through it. As i was trying to heal,i learned to turn all my energy inward. I forced myself to spend an hour every day writing poems,no matter how clumsy and heavy-handed they were,as a way of grounding myself. I started reading books again. When i needed a break from the memories, i would read whole novels in one sitting. I thought of all of the women writers who kept me company during the darkest moments of my recovery. The women whose strength pushed me ever on,convincing me that there was a world out there was a beautiful and kind and safe,and it would be waiting for me when i was ready for it". And she found that strength through Elena Greco,one of the protagonists from Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan novels.Reading Elena Ferrante's books does somehow helped Lucia to find her strengths,through the strong and positive portrayals of her female characters'character.To Lucia,"Elena Ferrante and the way her stories of female friendship showed me that women can be soft and powerful; that tenderness and strength are not antithetical,but equivalent. It takes vulnerability and resilience for women like her protagonist,Elena Greco,to overcome their dangerous pasts and possess their own narratives,in all complexity.In all of their vulnerability".
I am so glad that Lucia finally chose 'Elena' in her journey to recovery. However,the story does not end here. There is so much more shocking and eye-opening things that she shares through this essay besides her lifelong journey to recovery.She also talks about the problems with the healthcare system like the different and discriminating ways women patients were being treated as compared to men patients (how the doctors attended to prioritise treating men patients first over women's and women patients report of being in pain being taken lightly as being overly exaggerated have got my jaws dropped in shock and surprise because i never realised such gender discriminations even existed in receiving hospital treatments before!).And then she also touches on the problems related with the law pertaining to rape cases which apparently one of the main reasons why most rape victims refused to lodge a report is because they are afraid of their words being rejected and dismissed by others."So my rape went unreported,for the same reason so many sexual assaults do: i knew that shame could hurt more than the attack did. I knew that i lived in a world where the cost of speaking up could be much higher than any i had already paid. I had lost so much, and i was scared,and i was tired,and protecting myself from the blame of others was the only way i knew how to regain control.Cross-examination they could ask me why i didn't come forward earlier?where is the evidence?. Like many of the majority of rape defendants, the man with the Swiss army knife would likely be acquitted. They would beg the jury not to let a woman with a decade old allegation ruin the life he has built for himself. They would talk about his career and how far he has come,about how sad it would be to take that all away from him.The jury wouldn't hear anything about her. Except that she's a liar,a rotten thing".
"The notion that women are not to be trusted is the balm we use to excuse us from struggling with the listening or the telling,including that women lie about rape".A 2011 study by Ohio University supported this notion where 66 percents of respondents agreed with some combination of what the literature calls rape myths including that women lie about rape,that women secretly desire rape and that victims ought to be blamed for their sexual assaults. Just like the famous line of B.B King's,"Don't ever trust a woman until she's dead and buried!".So,the idea that women lie about rape contributes to it being criminally under-reported and why majority of sexual assaults go unreported over the years or decades!.
Apart from being informative (in fact very informative as i learned a great deal about trauma including the physiological effects on the body),this is a very eye-opening and very inspiring read where it marvelously details on the flawed and problematic healthcare and legal system relating to rape and violence cases,especially on the part of the women's victims.
Reading this powerful essay have got me thinking about a lot of things,especially about the importance of taking care of my own mental health and like Lucia said,"to fight it is to go through it. The truth is that silence is the darkest of captivities. It is ruinous and gratuitous and wretched".The world may be filled with violence,predators,unjust and discriminatory system but like Lucia says,"Silence itself may be chief among them. It is deadly.When it comes to recovery,silence is the knife edge between illness and health". Even though,we can't do much to change the system and the culture,however like Lucia says, "We can choose the words we wrap it inside of. The words we use to fill 'the silence'.
September 22, 2019
4,5
"By far the most dangerous element of my assault was the fact that I lived in a world where it was unspeakable. I knew, as soon, as it happened, without ever being told, that I must say nothing. Indignity is painful but silence is a prison."
At fifteen Lucia Osborne-Crowley is a successful gymnast who feels deeply connected to her body, in control of every micro movement, searing through the air. Then one night, she is raped. She doesn't tell anyone and instead tries by her own to continue with her life. But her body begins to deteriorate. It takes her ten years and diagnoses of endometriosis and Crohn's disease until she is able to start to work through the violence she has experienced.
"I Choose Elena" is the second book I read in The Mood Indigo Essay Series (the other being These Bones Will Rise Again) and it is the second quiet triumph. Osborne-Crowley chronicles her painful journey and writes about the ways the body holds trauma. It's an essay about the realities of and discourses around sexualized violence, recent trauma studies, the hassle of getting chronical illnesses diagnosed (and the ways especially women in pain are treated by medical professionals), the long-time percussions of untreated trauma, and literature (the title alluding to Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan Novels).
This book offers so much on only 150 small pages. In the last pages of the book, Osborne-Crowley emphasises how her access to help (medical etc) is not the norm and connect with privileges. I only wished for a few more sentences here and there to highlight how marginalized women are effected differently (for example when she looks into studies on how women's pain is undertreated).
"Once trauma finds you it does not let you go. And so we re-traumatize ourselves, believing we are rotten because we are the type of people to whom bad things happen, when in fact it is the living, breathing memory of the first bad thing that keeps sending us back, again and again and again, into the volcano."
"By far the most dangerous element of my assault was the fact that I lived in a world where it was unspeakable. I knew, as soon, as it happened, without ever being told, that I must say nothing. Indignity is painful but silence is a prison."
At fifteen Lucia Osborne-Crowley is a successful gymnast who feels deeply connected to her body, in control of every micro movement, searing through the air. Then one night, she is raped. She doesn't tell anyone and instead tries by her own to continue with her life. But her body begins to deteriorate. It takes her ten years and diagnoses of endometriosis and Crohn's disease until she is able to start to work through the violence she has experienced.
"I Choose Elena" is the second book I read in The Mood Indigo Essay Series (the other being These Bones Will Rise Again) and it is the second quiet triumph. Osborne-Crowley chronicles her painful journey and writes about the ways the body holds trauma. It's an essay about the realities of and discourses around sexualized violence, recent trauma studies, the hassle of getting chronical illnesses diagnosed (and the ways especially women in pain are treated by medical professionals), the long-time percussions of untreated trauma, and literature (the title alluding to Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan Novels).
This book offers so much on only 150 small pages. In the last pages of the book, Osborne-Crowley emphasises how her access to help (medical etc) is not the norm and connect with privileges. I only wished for a few more sentences here and there to highlight how marginalized women are effected differently (for example when she looks into studies on how women's pain is undertreated).
"Once trauma finds you it does not let you go. And so we re-traumatize ourselves, believing we are rotten because we are the type of people to whom bad things happen, when in fact it is the living, breathing memory of the first bad thing that keeps sending us back, again and again and again, into the volcano."
Read
May 7, 2020Osbourne-Crowley has packed an almost unmanageable amount of emotion, trauma and investigative work into such a slim volume. I Choose Elena is a powerful and deeply personal essay about trauma and violence and how untreated traumatic events can lead to chronic physical pain and illness. The road to recovery has clearly been long and not without setbacks, but this memoir does not read like one still in need of more work in that area. The writing is clear, concise and unflinchingly honest - some of the early sections are particularly painful and triggering to read. Toward the end she does drift a little into a more stream of consciousness style, there is little in the way of structured thought here but this isn't a disservice to the essay. Instead, the concluding pages read like someone still striving for recovery, someone still sick, still traumatised and still in pain - but someone who is day by day getting through it and making choices about what will define her moving forward.
October 21, 2019
Exquisite. A powerful, moving insight into an incredible personal journey that also highlights the experiences of many other women. It is thoroughly researched, bringing together important learnings about trauma (particularly in relation to sexual assault) across medical, legal and social fields in an accessible way. It is a ground breaking approach to discussing issues that are so often kept in silence. It is brilliantly written, I devoured it in one sitting. The author has a captivating, emotive, seamless, and authentic way with words. This book will change the conversation.
September 29, 2023
Women need to write their stories. Women need to read their stories. I was extremely moved by her honesty about her survival. We have spent so many years in disbelief and silence. So many years without the proper language to express our experiences. Without adequate educational, cultural, medical and political structures in place to mirror, dissolve, and cure the female trauma.
I’m just very happy that she freed herself by sharing her story and by doing so, she freed us all a bit more.
I am a firm believer that “disobedience” starts with language/narrations. Therein lies the power.
I’m just very happy that she freed herself by sharing her story and by doing so, she freed us all a bit more.
I am a firm believer that “disobedience” starts with language/narrations. Therein lies the power.
Read
November 14, 2020Este libro, en realidad, nos habla de trauma, el personal (su violación y el posterior periplo médico para encontrar diagnóstico que explique sus dolencias) y el colectivo, sin duda una herida abierta y purulenta que infecta nuestra sociedad cuando da por sentado que el sufrimiento de una parte de ella es casi un rito de paso, cuando toma por verdad indiscutible que la única mujer de fiar es la mujer muerta.
Me quedo con esta frase: "(...) hemos aceptado el abuso durante tanto tiempo que se ha convertido en una patología. Que la violencia está por todas partes. Que la culpabilidad prolifera. Que el abuso mata. Que el silencio mata. Que las mujeres tenemos pocas probabilidades de sobrevivir".
Afortunadamente, algunas sobrevivimos y podemos contar(nos).
Me quedo con esta frase: "(...) hemos aceptado el abuso durante tanto tiempo que se ha convertido en una patología. Que la violencia está por todas partes. Que la culpabilidad prolifera. Que el abuso mata. Que el silencio mata. Que las mujeres tenemos pocas probabilidades de sobrevivir".
Afortunadamente, algunas sobrevivimos y podemos contar(nos).
January 16, 2024
I wish I could wrap the author and everyone I know who has been through similar in a big healing hug. My heart hurts finishing this book, for all of those mentioned that were abused and for the billions that can/could have related.
My favourite part though, was when Lucia writes of Peter Levine and his knowledge of trauma saving him from that very thing. This is a life-saving tip that I want to carry and share with everyone.
Thank you Lucia, for being so raw and open about an event you so badly wanted to bury deep so that, as you said, can help victims seek help before their trauma manifests physically.
My favourite part though, was when Lucia writes of Peter Levine and his knowledge of trauma saving him from that very thing. This is a life-saving tip that I want to carry and share with everyone.
Thank you Lucia, for being so raw and open about an event you so badly wanted to bury deep so that, as you said, can help victims seek help before their trauma manifests physically.
May 3, 2020
An incredibly powerful memoir that explores predation, grooming, sexual assault and trauma, shame, women and chronic illness, the relationship between sexual violence and chronic illnesses and how the body holds trauma. It’s a slight book and I’m amazed that Osborne-Crowley covered so much. Women speaking their truth and reclaiming their voice from the violence enacted upon them is something I hope we continue to see a lot more of.
March 23, 2024
3.5
“Slowly I realized that getting better meant being brave enough to occupy my body again. To be brave enough to feel the pain of it, the weakness of it, to bear witness to how broken it had become. It was only once I started to do that that my body and I started to understand each other again.”
“Slowly I realized that getting better meant being brave enough to occupy my body again. To be brave enough to feel the pain of it, the weakness of it, to bear witness to how broken it had become. It was only once I started to do that that my body and I started to understand each other again.”
December 10, 2023
When trauma is imbedded deep into the body, it can create a whole life of its own, becoming an author or conductor to the orchestra of the body.
Lucia eloquently and urgently examines trauma, how to understand it, face it, live alongside It - relive it again and again, when the majority of the medical world and society passes it around like a hot potato, not wanting to touch it. (Thank goodness for the rare ones who do.)
I have been trying to choose a quote for this reflection but I will simply end up writing the whole book. I Choose Elena is deeply affecting and hard to read, but through Lucia’s bravery, experience and intelligence, an intimate and necessary feeling is brought to the surface. There can be so much frustration when living in a body with illness, disability and trauma - as I Choose Elena shows, the importance of telling stories, reading stories and listening to stories and experiences, can bring about a strength and undeniable release amidst the intensity of suffering and survival.
I really would love everyone to read this if they felt in a place to be able to. I am so grateful I did.
Lucia eloquently and urgently examines trauma, how to understand it, face it, live alongside It - relive it again and again, when the majority of the medical world and society passes it around like a hot potato, not wanting to touch it. (Thank goodness for the rare ones who do.)
I have been trying to choose a quote for this reflection but I will simply end up writing the whole book. I Choose Elena is deeply affecting and hard to read, but through Lucia’s bravery, experience and intelligence, an intimate and necessary feeling is brought to the surface. There can be so much frustration when living in a body with illness, disability and trauma - as I Choose Elena shows, the importance of telling stories, reading stories and listening to stories and experiences, can bring about a strength and undeniable release amidst the intensity of suffering and survival.
I really would love everyone to read this if they felt in a place to be able to. I am so grateful I did.
January 19, 2020
Extremely touching, honest memoir with a touch of essay (there is some research involved in the writing. In this case this research is made out of the sheer need of the writer to understand her truth).
The book sums up pretty well the ecosystem of sexual assault trauma, where silence plays a key role in making the trauma stronger throughout the years.
While reading it I was thinking how great would it be for books like this to be mandatory in schools, within parents associations, etc. There is still a lot of ignorance and taboo concerning sexual abuse, yet it is way more widespread that we can probably imagine.
A must read.
The book sums up pretty well the ecosystem of sexual assault trauma, where silence plays a key role in making the trauma stronger throughout the years.
While reading it I was thinking how great would it be for books like this to be mandatory in schools, within parents associations, etc. There is still a lot of ignorance and taboo concerning sexual abuse, yet it is way more widespread that we can probably imagine.
A must read.
June 9, 2023
Lucia shares her experience on a violent assault from her teens, her investigation on how PTSD affects sex abuse victims and her difficult recovery. Lucia's mix of research and storytelling create an impactful essay on what happens to victims during the moment of their attack and how PTSD affects their life indefinitely if not treated immediately. As someone that has struggled with PTSD, this is what I wish I could write. Lucia was able to put into words on moments and experiences I've always wanted to share with my friends, family and community. As difficult and heartbreaking this essay was, I personally found peace and comfort. I'd recommend to anyone dealing with or would like a better understanding on how PTSD can affect our mind and body.
June 26, 2020
At work I've been reading research about complex trauma, which is largely what prompted me to pick up I Choose Elena. It's a memoir in the same style as Jenny Valentish's Woman of Substances where personal experience is woven in with research as the author and journalist, Lucia Osborne-Crowley, struggles to make sense of herself.
"But the thing about being a teenage girl is that at a certain point, the outside world intrudes on this narrative and it reconstructions your perception of your body without your knowledge or permission." For most women, this is jarring, for a 15-year old Olympic standard gymnast who is raped at knife-point by a stranger in Sydney's Pitt Street McDonalds, it's particularly horrific. Trauma effectively erases Osborne-Crowley's burgeoning gymnastic career: "Muscle memories of perfect technique and form that I had spend my entire life building were erased in seconds by the need to survive."
Locked even deeper in Osborne-Crowley's memory are other moments of trauma, and one thing this short book does particularly well is connecting the dots between multiple and repeated forms of trauma, and the way that (untreated) they make the victim/survivor more likely to encounter future trauma. "I sought out relationship after relationship in which my consent didn't matter because my body was conditioned to replay the same scene, over and over, to dress-rehearse death just to prove it could survive."
While Michael Salter's research into complex trauma makes great health service recommendations and remarks about the resilience of women with experiences of complex trauma, Osborne-Crowley brings them to life with her book. She connects her rape and resulting complex trauma to a gendered exploration of how women's pain is (mis)treated in our health services, and to an analysis of shame. It's a travesty that the Australian health system has seen Ms Osborne-Crowley left with life-long physical impacts from untreated trauma, something she presented with at our hospitals, over and over again. This book is a testament to Osborne-Crowley's resilience and her desire to live, even in a different form to that which she started: "I have finally relinquished the fantasy that I can go back to the body of the girl I used to be." A worthwhile read.
"But the thing about being a teenage girl is that at a certain point, the outside world intrudes on this narrative and it reconstructions your perception of your body without your knowledge or permission." For most women, this is jarring, for a 15-year old Olympic standard gymnast who is raped at knife-point by a stranger in Sydney's Pitt Street McDonalds, it's particularly horrific. Trauma effectively erases Osborne-Crowley's burgeoning gymnastic career: "Muscle memories of perfect technique and form that I had spend my entire life building were erased in seconds by the need to survive."
Locked even deeper in Osborne-Crowley's memory are other moments of trauma, and one thing this short book does particularly well is connecting the dots between multiple and repeated forms of trauma, and the way that (untreated) they make the victim/survivor more likely to encounter future trauma. "I sought out relationship after relationship in which my consent didn't matter because my body was conditioned to replay the same scene, over and over, to dress-rehearse death just to prove it could survive."
While Michael Salter's research into complex trauma makes great health service recommendations and remarks about the resilience of women with experiences of complex trauma, Osborne-Crowley brings them to life with her book. She connects her rape and resulting complex trauma to a gendered exploration of how women's pain is (mis)treated in our health services, and to an analysis of shame. It's a travesty that the Australian health system has seen Ms Osborne-Crowley left with life-long physical impacts from untreated trauma, something she presented with at our hospitals, over and over again. This book is a testament to Osborne-Crowley's resilience and her desire to live, even in a different form to that which she started: "I have finally relinquished the fantasy that I can go back to the body of the girl I used to be." A worthwhile read.
March 5, 2020
The shortest book with the mightiest punch, exploring the author's experience of abuse and rape, the shame she felt and the secrets she kept, and how the combination of that trauma and secrecy resulted in chronic pain and illness. Then, if that's not bad enough, the way she was disbelieved and unsupported when she sought medical help for that pain and illness.
Such an important book about gender, violence and how the medical profession too often responds to women's pain, but also how literature can lift people out of some dark places.
It was brave, honest, well-researched and beautifully written and I 100% would recommend.
Such an important book about gender, violence and how the medical profession too often responds to women's pain, but also how literature can lift people out of some dark places.
It was brave, honest, well-researched and beautifully written and I 100% would recommend.
March 7, 2020
If there’s a book that needs to be read widely at the moment, by women and men, then it’s this remarkable one. I Choose Elena is an extraordinary memoir about the legacy of trauma, its complex manifestations in the body and the mind and the advances that are being made in the understanding and treatment of PTSD. Lucia Osborne-Crowley is a survivor, but it has taken enormous courage, and by her own admission remains a work in progress, as this meticulously researched, candid and ultimately hopeful account of her recovery attests. This book will enrage you, but it will also give you the language needed to argue against people and institutions intent on victim blaming. Please read it.
October 25, 2020
“Elijo a Elena” está lleno de espacios convergentes, esquinas romas y puertas con bordes afilados. Puede ser una novela autobiográfica que explora y analiza la agresión s.xual que sufrió Osborne. O tal vez, un ensayo sobre el trauma y las consecuencias del mismo. O quizá, también, una obra que analiza, de forma profunda los sistemas que tiene el cuerpo para la conservación y la autoprotección. O un libro que nace para exorcizar la culpa y la vergüenza de todas las mujeres que han sido agredidas s.xualmente.
En ciento treinta páginas, Lucia no solo recrea el trauma de su v.olación, también nos instruye al respecto de cómo un cuerpo se enfrenta a una situación incontrolable, esto es, huyendo, luchando o paralizándose, y cómo, una vez finalizado el trauma, la mente y los músculos empiezan una lucha por la supervivencia. «Me convencí de que había imaginado toda la historia.»
Un cuerpo v.olado no solo tiene que hacer frente a la v.olencia, también tiene que asumir el silencio para no ser juzgado. Debe amoldarse a un mundo que ahora le es hostil y seguir adelante con su vida. Lucia nos da herramientas para aprender a leer a los cuerpos que nos rodean y empatizar con ellos. Si te paralizas ante una agresión, no es tu culpa. Si te callas y no lo cuentas, no es menos cierto, y no es tu culpa. Si sientes vergüenza ante la idea de que las personas que te rodean sepan qué te ha sucedido, debes saber que no es tu vergüenza, porque tú no has hecho nada malo ni tienes la culpa de nada. Si decides hablar y no te creen, no deja de ser cierto, no te lo has inventado, y no tienes la culpa de que no te crean. «Lo más peligroso de mi v.olación era el hecho de que vivía en un mundo donde era innombrable. En el mismo momento que me ocurrió, aunque nadie me dijo que lo hiciera, me juré a mí misma que no se lo contaría a nadie. La humillación es dolorosa, pero el silencio es una cárcel.»
El feminismo exige que seamos empáticas y solidarias. Que trabajemos juntas ante los problemas que nos afectan individual y colectivamente. Este libro nos da herramientas para desmontar los mitos sobre las agresiones s.xuales a través de una cuidada investigación, que va desde el análisis y la presentación de conceptos psicológicos, hasta la elección de Lucia de diferentes citas de autoras que le allanaron el camino hacia la aceptación. «Pero mi deber no es reconfortarte y proporcionarte un relato fácil y sin complicaciones. Mi deber es contar la verdad. Porque la verdad importa y decir la verdad importa. Incluso cuando lo más fácil es callar. Sobre todo cuando lo más fácil es callar.»
Ojalá leáis “Elijo a Elena”.
En ciento treinta páginas, Lucia no solo recrea el trauma de su v.olación, también nos instruye al respecto de cómo un cuerpo se enfrenta a una situación incontrolable, esto es, huyendo, luchando o paralizándose, y cómo, una vez finalizado el trauma, la mente y los músculos empiezan una lucha por la supervivencia. «Me convencí de que había imaginado toda la historia.»
Un cuerpo v.olado no solo tiene que hacer frente a la v.olencia, también tiene que asumir el silencio para no ser juzgado. Debe amoldarse a un mundo que ahora le es hostil y seguir adelante con su vida. Lucia nos da herramientas para aprender a leer a los cuerpos que nos rodean y empatizar con ellos. Si te paralizas ante una agresión, no es tu culpa. Si te callas y no lo cuentas, no es menos cierto, y no es tu culpa. Si sientes vergüenza ante la idea de que las personas que te rodean sepan qué te ha sucedido, debes saber que no es tu vergüenza, porque tú no has hecho nada malo ni tienes la culpa de nada. Si decides hablar y no te creen, no deja de ser cierto, no te lo has inventado, y no tienes la culpa de que no te crean. «Lo más peligroso de mi v.olación era el hecho de que vivía en un mundo donde era innombrable. En el mismo momento que me ocurrió, aunque nadie me dijo que lo hiciera, me juré a mí misma que no se lo contaría a nadie. La humillación es dolorosa, pero el silencio es una cárcel.»
El feminismo exige que seamos empáticas y solidarias. Que trabajemos juntas ante los problemas que nos afectan individual y colectivamente. Este libro nos da herramientas para desmontar los mitos sobre las agresiones s.xuales a través de una cuidada investigación, que va desde el análisis y la presentación de conceptos psicológicos, hasta la elección de Lucia de diferentes citas de autoras que le allanaron el camino hacia la aceptación. «Pero mi deber no es reconfortarte y proporcionarte un relato fácil y sin complicaciones. Mi deber es contar la verdad. Porque la verdad importa y decir la verdad importa. Incluso cuando lo más fácil es callar. Sobre todo cuando lo más fácil es callar.»
Ojalá leáis “Elijo a Elena”.
February 18, 2020
- thank you so much @alllenandunwin for sending the copy my way❤️
First of all, I would like to thank the author for sharing her story with the world. Thank you, Lucia.
Reading non-fiction, it is always a challenge for me, as the way I reflect upon real stories is quite particular. Therefore, I treat these kinds of books differently, taking some sweet time reading them, and processing their contents. I am so glad I put my 100% in this book, although I could not help reading it all in one sitting.
The author's writing is simple and straight-forward, which made the delivery of the message extremely optimal. I was hooked from beginning to end, not only because the story is entirely heart-breaking and incredibly hopeful, but also because I was awestruck by the number of facts that I was utterly oblivious to. I did not know that silencing the deepest secrets could hurt one's body so much, that professionals could misdiagnose more often than not, that treating trauma sooner rather than later is imperative, nor that women are treated differently than men when complaining about physical pain in a medical setting.
Apart from thorough research work, the author excels at explaining the whys and the hows. I have never experienced anything remotely close to what the author did, but as a woman, it was effortless to empathise. The only thing I wanted to do while reading was to get up, find this woman, and hug her.
Overall, I cannot emphasise enough the importance of reading 'I Choose Elena'. There is nothing I can say that can do justice to this work - there is so, so much in less than 150 pages. Please do yourself a favour and read it.
First of all, I would like to thank the author for sharing her story with the world. Thank you, Lucia.
Reading non-fiction, it is always a challenge for me, as the way I reflect upon real stories is quite particular. Therefore, I treat these kinds of books differently, taking some sweet time reading them, and processing their contents. I am so glad I put my 100% in this book, although I could not help reading it all in one sitting.
The author's writing is simple and straight-forward, which made the delivery of the message extremely optimal. I was hooked from beginning to end, not only because the story is entirely heart-breaking and incredibly hopeful, but also because I was awestruck by the number of facts that I was utterly oblivious to. I did not know that silencing the deepest secrets could hurt one's body so much, that professionals could misdiagnose more often than not, that treating trauma sooner rather than later is imperative, nor that women are treated differently than men when complaining about physical pain in a medical setting.
Apart from thorough research work, the author excels at explaining the whys and the hows. I have never experienced anything remotely close to what the author did, but as a woman, it was effortless to empathise. The only thing I wanted to do while reading was to get up, find this woman, and hug her.
Overall, I cannot emphasise enough the importance of reading 'I Choose Elena'. There is nothing I can say that can do justice to this work - there is so, so much in less than 150 pages. Please do yourself a favour and read it.
February 24, 2020
I found this book when a blogger I follow posted about it. The post included an ABC News Australia article on 19 February 2020. This book is not an easy read for the faint-hearted. But it is great for the big-hearted. Lucia, a talented gymnast tells of the horrendous experience of sexual abuse in her life. It takes a while to tell. A long, long while for her to surmount the shame and fear and pain to share. Share then she does. Lucia's story is testimony to the need for honesty, the need to ensure that people's suffering is taken seriously, the need to listen to our bodies even when our minds choose to hide the real searing hurts.
Lucia's story is doubtlessly going to help others. It is now helping her. We are glad she choose Elena and begun to share. We are glad that she is choosing Lucia, who, in her brokenness, is also beautiful and brave. Many may benefit from this book. Those in helping professions, counselors, social workers, pastoral carers, survivors and their loved ones may all gain from this book.
Lucia's story is doubtlessly going to help others. It is now helping her. We are glad she choose Elena and begun to share. We are glad that she is choosing Lucia, who, in her brokenness, is also beautiful and brave. Many may benefit from this book. Those in helping professions, counselors, social workers, pastoral carers, survivors and their loved ones may all gain from this book.
August 23, 2021
At fifteen, Lucia was a precise and strong gymnast, on track for representing at the highest level. But on a night out with friends, a man took all that and more from her, by accosting her forcefully and cunningly, and raping her.
This brutal assault not only has Lucia leave her body through the experience of the freeze trauma response, it damaged her till her body broke down physically to the point of ongoing pain and debilitating chronic illnesses.
The search for medical answers, treatment, and clinicians who believed in women's pain experiences, to also needing to get to a point of wanting and seeking treatment for the psychological damage, via complete bodily breakdown. A harrowing tale.
This is a book that stemmed from a published essay, and explores the traumatic event, it's lead up, it's destruction of self, to the masking of it due to shame, and it's long term emergence into physical manifestations. Working through understanding trauma responses, recognising the connections, to arriving to full engagement in therapeutic treatments, healing, and recovery. A review of resilience and the power of sharing and owning your truths.
I picked this up now, to read in time before Lucia's second book launch at the start of next month. I didn't actually know what the title was referring to before reading it, so I am even more looking forward to picking up My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante in the next week, as planned.
This has all the content warnings imaginable, but a powerful read for anyone seeking healing from trauma, for understanding the impacts of trauma, and a full insight into the devastating long lasting impacts of male sexual abuse and violence.
This brutal assault not only has Lucia leave her body through the experience of the freeze trauma response, it damaged her till her body broke down physically to the point of ongoing pain and debilitating chronic illnesses.
The search for medical answers, treatment, and clinicians who believed in women's pain experiences, to also needing to get to a point of wanting and seeking treatment for the psychological damage, via complete bodily breakdown. A harrowing tale.
This is a book that stemmed from a published essay, and explores the traumatic event, it's lead up, it's destruction of self, to the masking of it due to shame, and it's long term emergence into physical manifestations. Working through understanding trauma responses, recognising the connections, to arriving to full engagement in therapeutic treatments, healing, and recovery. A review of resilience and the power of sharing and owning your truths.
I picked this up now, to read in time before Lucia's second book launch at the start of next month. I didn't actually know what the title was referring to before reading it, so I am even more looking forward to picking up My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante in the next week, as planned.
This has all the content warnings imaginable, but a powerful read for anyone seeking healing from trauma, for understanding the impacts of trauma, and a full insight into the devastating long lasting impacts of male sexual abuse and violence.
December 20, 2020
‘We verwelken onder de roofzuchtige blik van perverse mannen die ons maken tot een object voor publieke consumptie. In dat licht vallen we zo sterk op dat we op den duur gaan denken dat het alles is wat we zijn. In dat licht willen we onzichtbaar worden.’
April 9, 2020
This book was heartbreaking to read, and I had to step away from it a few times. A devastating look into sexual assault and the aftermath. I would highly recommend
February 7, 2021
I learned something new and had a profound realisation upon reading each paragraph of this book. It’s quite a lot to take in. I have much respect to the author for telling her story so honestly and bravely.
October 22, 2024
Heartbreaking, powerful and brave.
October 23, 2020
A brave, generous, revelatory memoir.
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